#tender violent and queer ;; post

[the-crooked-library]

Human vs Vampire Violence in Nosferatu

I've talked about this in the tags of another post already but i can't stop thinking about this so here it goes:

The majority of Ellen's suffering is due to mundane and socially acceptable forms of violence (e.g. medical) and that is not an accident. The script intends this. It is the primary underlying theme of Nosferatu (2024), it is the undercurrent to all her motivations, and the film wants the viewers to be aware of this, at least on some level.

Over the course of the story, Ellen Hutter is forcibly isolated by her father, dismissed and infantilized by her husband, drugged and tied to her bed by a doctor and her husband's friends, pierced through the arm by another doctor just to demonstrate that her soul "isn't there," insulted and kicked out from the Hardings' house (while still having psychic fits nightly), left to care for her sick husband alone without any support, never listened to - and all these things are excused!..

There's always some sort of justification, and it's usually either misogynistic or medical or both.

Her father isolated her because her psychic abilities frightened him, because she was too abnormal, and he thought that she wasn't fit to be around other people. Thomas dismissed her nightmares and ignored her emotional needs because he thought her anxieties were childish, that she prioritized the wrong things in life (love over financial advancement), and that she was incapable of good judgement; it's also the reason he is unaware that she doesn't like cut flowers, or that Harding hates her (even though she is very well aware of that, she evidently didn't feel like she could tell her husband). Similarly, Dr. Sievers believed that he had to do what he did, because Ellen was mad and had to be controlled. Harding, naturally, let him do it, and then did worse, and justified it all with “logic” and family values.

The point is that every single character harms Ellen on some level, despite what they might consider best intentions; and I think that a significant drive behind some of the more vitriolic online responses to this film is that many people are uncomfortable with that aspect of the story. Nosferatu demands that the viewer confront a fundamental truth of human imperfection - that someone who looks soft and Normal is, in fact, capable of causing pain regardless; and that invites a deeper sort of self-reflection. Perhaps, even accountability.

Our recently-resurgent purity culture shares this discomfort with Ellen's societal setting. For Thomas, for Sievers, for Harding, for us, it is much easier to blame harm and sin on a Monster From Somewhere Else, and pretend that a witch-hunt would entirely eradicate the problem.

However, the film demonstrates the inherent falseness behind this assumption. Even if Ellen had not followed Orlok into death, she would not have suddenly become happy with her human life - because his destruction would not have changed how she is perceived. She would have continued to endure far more insidious, systemic, violent abuse as a disabled, arguably queer wife and woman.

This is why the sensuality of her death/wedding is so crucial to the presentation of the film.

in Orlok, she embraces her own perceived "darkness," the aspects of her that her society believes are harmful and grotesque - her lack of deference to her husband (he terrorizes Thomas), her queerness (he drains Anna and destroys Harding's family), her psychic disability (he kisses Ellen's heart and drinks from her, reverent and tender). it is a scene steeped in both terror and ecstasy. She is joining Orlok in sin and in death - a twisted version of his proposed eternity; and in doing so, she is ascended.

It is incredibly poignant that, when her power over him is actually shown, it is far more emotional and commonplace than could be expected. There are no torches or stakes, no physical explicit battle; Ellen's unique, magnificent, holy power is merely the ability to ask for "more!.. More!" - and be granted that wish without question. Here, in a monster's embrace, she is valued more than a promotion, or propriety, or even Orlok's own life.

All that to say - Ellen's personal journey through the film does not culminate in a straightforward battle of "victim vs abuser." Despite what a cursory overview might imply, the Final Struggle is a minor aspect; instead, the overwhelming majority of her story revolves around a build-up to a Final Choice. Similar to I Saw The TV Glow, or NBC's Hannibal, or a multitude of other narratives, it explores the balance between the horror of transformation and the horror of staying the same. A monster might grant the first one if you ask, and it will feel like dying - but society's already forced you into the second.

All there is left to do is make damn sure it kills you.

[cozmicnymph]

lol dumbass can't even have the guts to answer for their transphobia. No one is "erasing lesbians" by HC VI as a trans man. You're just looking for an excuse to be transphobic and claiming "lesbian erasure" as a deflection. There's nothing wrong with a trans man seeing themselves in VI and wanting to HC her as a trans man, especially considering that lots of trans men still have a relationship with lesbianism and sapphic culture. VI is still a cis woman at the end of the day and a random trans man feeling seen by VI or relating to CaitVI and making a HC on tumblr.com does not "erase lesbians." Again, youre just looking for an excuse to be transphobic and then being so cowardly that you have to immediately block anyone who points it out.

first of all. learn to read my tags. I said very clearly that Vi can have a complicated relationship with gender. I never said she couldn't be transmasc or gnc or fluid — I literally acknowledged all of that. What I said was: making her a man while keeping Caitlyn a woman erases lesbians. And yes, that’s a problem.

I’m trans. I’ve dated across the spectrum — trans men, trans women, nonbinary people. I’ve been open about that for years. My issue here has nothing to do with being “anti-trans” and everything to do with how people love to take the masculine woman in a sapphic ship and decide she must be a man. That’s a pattern. That’s a problem.

Vi is a woman. She's canonically referred to with she/her pronouns in both Arcane and League. She has a masculine presentation — and that’s part of what makes her so powerful in a sapphic context. Masculine women exist. Lesbians who look like Vi exist. And every time someone says “well she’s basically a man to me,” what you’re saying is “I don’t see masculine women as real women.”

That is lesbophobic. That is erasure.

This also refers to the fact that people always keep Caitlyn as a cisgendered woman. If both of them have a complicated relationship with gender? If it’s a little funky, if it’s a little queer-coded or strange — sure, queer culture runs deep, I know that. But I’m saying: when you make Vi a man and keep Caitlyn a cis woman, that erases lesbianism. Period.

Because — and I shouldn’t have to spell this out, but apparently I do — trans men are not lesbians. Trans men can relate to lesbianism. Trans men can have a past with it, trans men can engage in sapphic culture. But trans men. Are. Men. And the entire point of lesbianism is that there is no man in the relationship.

Yes, masculine people can be lesbians. Yes, nonbinary lesbians exist. No, I’m not debating the finer points of queer identity in this post because Tumblr dot com has forgotten what reading comprehension is. My issue — clearly stated — is: you make Vi the man because she’s masculine, and you keep Caitlyn the woman because she’s feminine. That’s the logic. That’s the pattern. And that’s why it’s f***ed.

Vi can absolutely be transmasc. Vi can be gender-nonconforming. Vi can have a weird little gender. But when you decide she's a man with a dick and Caitlyn is still a cis woman and it’s presented as a ship, yeah — that erases lesbianism. Straight up.

It feels misogynistic. It feels lesbophobic. Because what you're telling people is that masculine women are basically men and only feminine women get to stay women. That every sapphic dynamic must have a “man” and a “woman.” And that’s f***ed up.

I’m a masculine woman. I want to relate to Vi. I do relate to Vi. I don’t want her to be seen as a man because I am not a man. I want to know that I can be dominant, strong, protective, and masculine — and still be a woman. Vi gave us that. She was tough. She bound her chest. She protected Caitlyn. She was messy and tender and violent and soft. And she was still a woman. That matters.

So let me end it here: if you make one of the lesbians a man, and that one is the masculine one, and you keep the feminine one a woman — it is lesbophobic. It is misogynistic. You don’t have to like that, but you do have to own it.

And the wildest part? You had to hop onto a sideblog and misrepresent what I said in order to accuse me of transphobia, instead of just reading the post and tags like a grown adult. So maybe ask yourself why you felt the need to do all that mental gymnastics just to avoid engaging with the actual critique.

Grow up.

[cobragardens]

In the first essay in this post Maya Gittelman articulates something that I think is really important: it's not just the gender(fuck) of the characters' coding that makes Good Omens a queer story, it's that the story is about queerness itself.

Gittelman's essay:

The thing is, this is the shit I’ve been waiting for my whole life.

Before I knew the words, I was impacted by how every epic romance, every classic adventure, every story I had access to and enjoyed was cishet. I needed to translate either the story or myself to find myself in it—every single time. I grew up in the oughts, in the days of the Tumblr fandoms you’re thinking of. I wrote about this a bit more in my essay on the first season of Our Flag Means Death last year, and that first line applies here—queer heartache has never felt this good.

I’ve been able to consume a lot of queer storytelling lately—mostly white cis m/m, but not exclusively and more than I’ve ever been able to in my life, because I’ve been searching for it for a long time. Yet as we know, there are a lot of mainstream stories with queer “rep” that at their core about what marginalized queer people have been cautioning around for generations—normalization. Assimilation. Respectability. See, we can be just like you. We too desire to marry, participate as cogs in the violent machine of imperialism. We too want the right to give you our service, our allegiance. We too want to join your armies. I certainly can enjoy plenty of that media, but I’m still desperate for queer storytelling that’s not sanitized, not flattened out to fit cishet beats, something that tells a good story that’s queer on every level. And that means we deserve to see queer characters who are messy, who hurt each other, because sometimes, love isn’t enough.

While Good Omens in some ways still white cis m/m, it’s also not entirely, and what works for me is that it actually delves into asking the damned question: What if this love is a threat, actually?

What if this love is something that does disrupt your norms, your ways of life? What if it’s an open danger to the systems you’re used to? What if this love could disrupt everything? What if it goes against God’s will and Satan’s too, what if it flies in the face of the ineffable plan?

What I’m saying is, I’ve wanted stories that let queer people be characters, with all the nuance and complexity that entails. Stories that are queer, intentionally, in both subtext and text, that aren’t asking an audience to justify their right to exist. Instead, they’re giving voice to the specifics of queer experience that don’t typically get mainstream care, multi-season tenderness. We deserve queer love stories that are wistful, epic, tragic not because they’re of the “same gender” but because the tangled truths of safety and trauma are inextricable from queer love. We deserve stories that are queer as subtext and text, metaphor and central plot and side plot too. We deserve queer stories that explore how queer love is infinite variety. We deserve genre stories that explore what immortality or something close to it does to pining, to longing, for wanting the one person in the universe you can’t have.

We deserve queer stories without homophobia that still explore the traumas of marginalized desire, in which neither party is truly the villain, just victims of the same system, at different stages of knowing it.

Show me what it looks like beyond the happily ever after, the will they/won’t they, the beats of a privileged cis white coming out. Breathe arcs of nuance and poetry and history into it. We deserve that epic romance, and we deserve to see how much it can hurt, because the depths of that wound evidence the ferocity of that love.

Growing up queer can feel monstrous, and I need to see that on screen. When you get preached at that people like you go to Hell for what you are and the ways you want, you start to relate to the demons. When you’re taught the truest, most joyful parts of you are unholy, it’s fair to ask—why should I respect the authority of a system that hates me for reasons I can’t control?

You learn to disguise your desire, and it changes you. It changes you to choke down your feelings, to deny them, to believe that they are sin. You learn to pour them into the hidden language of love that arises between you and whoever you’re lucky enough to share it with, so you don’t learn how to say them aloud. (Their arrangement, “little demonic miracle of my own,” the fourth alternative rendezvous. This is what queer love has looked like for millennia: something beautiful and true, despite, despite, despite.) Unlike those whose love has only ever been legal, permitted, “normal,” “holy”—your relationship is inescapably shaped by the threat behind it. You don’t get to see them as often as you like. You don’t get to talk, either to them or about them, because it might disturb the precious existence you have carved out together. You have to make up excuses, you can’t admit to anyone exactly why you can’t stop going back, and in this way you don’t always have to confront it yourself.

At the same time, that’s why queer love can be one of the most powerful forces in the universe—it saved the world last time, even if they didn’t call it that, yet. Aziraphale and Crowley don’t know so many details about each other’s lives and yet they know nearly everything important.

This is love—this natural state of slipping into the truth, until you awaken to it, inevitable and encompassing, all around you.

You might find yourself almost helpless to the magnetism. You can’t stop going back, finding your way to them, taking the risk, basking in the thrill of the comfort of their company.

And that’s why this finale, this story, this couple works so well for me—it’s queer in the telling, and while it always has been, this season literalized it on a new level and that matters.

[wickymicky]

listen to idles

[practcritus]

all gabe wanted was a quiet cigarette, but the campus wasn’t generally quiet at this time of day, and finding a corner to stand and smoke when every other person wanted to give you the evils for such a thing was next to impossible these days. he’d tried the whole vaping thing for about ten minutes, but it wasn’t the same to him - the feel of the cigarette between his fingers was half the comfort, as much as he hated it about himself. add to that his lighter wasn’t working, and gabe was starting to become pretty agitated. he could feel a pair of eyes on him and he scowled, not looking up as he tried his lighter again, to no avail. “you wanna take a fucking picture, or you wanna leave before i shove this down your throat?”

[icannotweave]

god god god I'm literally in tears over this post.

izzy hands is a goddamn walking tragedy because he’s trapped in the prison of subtext!! he’s not a part of the narrative, people like him aren’t heroes, they don't get to be happy or safe or loved gently. i also thought the speech about how People Like Them don’t get retirement was very queer (”we’re not those kinds of people/we don’t get nice things”). happy endings for queers are against the rules and izzy does nothing if not play by a homophobic story’s rules. 

he’s playing so so carefully by the rules of the supposed genre to survive and it’s so so sad. there really is a whole-ass theme of repeating cycles of abuse to feel safe, cycles which brutalize oneself and others (e.g. ed, the crew, etc.). where the possibility of something gentler and kinder hurts too much and therefore seems unsafe! but only cause insanity and danger are normative.

open queer love and joy and tenderness feel wrong (dangerous, unsafe, frightening) cause repression and violence are your love language (the only love language you are or will ever be allowed and no human being can survive without love, really, you have to find it where and however you can). the abuse of normative heterosexuality and masculinity have atrophied and warped him. he’s literally a victim who maintains systems which create victims, oh my god. 

izzy’s coping mechanisms (survival tools) of hurting rather than helping make so much sense when you think about them even a little bit through this lens. like! yes, it’s repetition compulsion probably but also...wow...no wonder he thinks he’s saving ed by forcing him to be brutal? (its for Your Own Good).

not just cause Things Make Sense Again (cause nothing is worse to an abuse survivor than chaos and instability - and nothing warps your ability to judge bad stability from good stability like abuse) when things are finally violent and chaotic again but also!! we can be Safe again! his manic joy makes so much sense cause! we followed all The Rules! we can be safe now, you and me! (”blackbeard is himself again” fuck me I'm sobbing). The Rules said we have to be this way and now things are safe and make sense again and nothing is unusual scary and bad anymore (it’s all the scary and bad I am used to once more). 

but also also...he can express and experience Love (abuse) once more now that blackbeard is back. he can have his Intricate Rituals back. he can have his nice safe little pining spot where he and blackbeard can go back to their subtext marriage and domestic bliss is reestablished. that’s why “he’s under strict orders not to mention his sexuality” wrecks me so much because!! I genuinely do hope he can also escape these abusive cycles and find queer joy and love for himself and know he’s not the narrative’s Bad Gay Man. 

if this show has taught us anything, it’s that we deserve the chance to not be the monster. 

(tldr: the real villain of this series is Toxic White Heterosexual Masculinity and izzy hands is its most beaten-down victim/tool.)

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

fresh reads TUESDAY breaking news: what is Drake reading?

hi everybody, in a pretty marked departure from how I usually run this blog I'm about to do something silly. twitter has informed me that Canadian rapper Aubrey Graham, aka Drake, best known for work such as "Degrassi," has posted a picture on instagram consisting of a thick stack of very buzzy books, on top of which he has perched a shoe that presumably costs more than my student loans, house, and life.

naturally, I am now unable to rest until I tell you, dear readers, exactly what Drake is (allegedly) reading. (no shade, I just firmly believe most celebrities are illiterate.)

(starting from the top:

From Paradise, Hanya Yanagihara (2022):

In an alternate version of 1893 America, New York is part of the Free States, where people may live and love whomever they please (or so it seems). The fragile young scion of a distinguished family resists betrothal to a worthy suitor, drawn to a charming music teacher of no means. In a 1993 Manhattan besieged by the AIDS epidemic, a young Hawaiian man lives with his much older, wealthier partner, hiding his troubled childhood and the fate of his father. And in 2093, in a world riven by plagues and governed by totalitarian rule, a powerful scientist’s damaged granddaughter tries to navigate life without him—and solve the mystery of her husband’s disappearances. (x)

this book featured prominently on pretty much every "most anticipated releases of 2022" this year, which was wild to me since I had never heard of Yanagihara prior to that. however, I'm told by reliable sources (every reviewer on twitter and youtube) that her work tends to be emotionally devastating and absolutely gorgeous, so good for her! that's way too many pages for me personally, but I hope Drake has fun.

Our Wives Under the Sea, Julia Armfield (2022)

Miri thinks she has got her wife back, when Leah finally returns after a deep sea mission that ended in catastrophe. It soon becomes clear, though, that Leah may have come back wrong. Whatever happened in that vessel, whatever it was they were supposed to be studying before they were stranded on the ocean floor, Leah has carried part of it with her, onto dry land and into their home. To have the woman she loves back should mean a return to normal life, but Miri can feel Leah slipping from her grasp. Memories of what they had before – the jokes they shared, the films they watched, all the small things that made Leah hers – only remind Miri of what she stands to lose. Living in the same space but suddenly separate, Miri comes to realize that the life that they had might be gone. (x)

y'all know that if there are two things I love it's queer women and the ocean being creepy, so this is an absolutely perfect intersection of my interests. this book literally just dropped last month and I am pissing, shitting, crying, etc that Drake got his hands on it before me.

Maps of Our Spectacular Bodies, Maddie Mortimer (2022)

Lia, her husband Harry, and their beloved daughter, Iris, are a precisely balanced family of three. With Iris struggling to navigate the social tightrope of early adolescence, their tender home is a much-needed refuge. But when a sudden diagnosis threatens to derail each of their lives, the secrets of Lia’s past come rushing into the present, and the world around them begins to transform. Deftly guided through time, we discover the people who shaped Lia’s youth; from her deeply religious mother to her troubled first love. In turn, each will take their place in the shifting landscape of Lia’s body; at the center of which dances a gleeful narrator, learning her life from the inside, growing more emboldened by the day. (x)

hipster points for this one: it's the first on the list I haven't heard of, and it won't even be released until JUNE.

Young Mungo, Douglas Stewart (2022)

Born under different stars, Protestant Mungo and Catholic James live in the hyper-masculine and violently sectarian world of Glasgow's housing estates. They should be sworn enemies if they're to be seen as men at all, and yet they become best friends as they find a sanctuary in the pigeon dovecote that James has built for his prize racing birds. As they find themselves falling in love, they dream of escaping the grey city, and Mungo works especially hard to hide his true self from all those around him, especially from his elder brother Hamish, a local gang leader with a brutal reputation to uphold.

But the threat of discovery is constant and the punishment unspeakable. When Mungo's mother sends him on a fishing trip to a loch in Western Scotland with two strange men whose drunken banter belies murky pasts, he will need to summon all his inner strength and courage to get back to a place of safety, a place where he and James might still have a future. (x)

another book not actually available to the general public yet; this one doesn't drop until April. anyways, I am ALWAYS saying I wish more queer romance started with pigeons.

Brave New World, Aldous Huxley (1932)

Hundreds of years in the future, the World Controllers have created an ideal civilization. Its members, shaped by genetic engineering and behavioral conditioning, are productive and content in roles they have been assigned at conception. Government-sanctioned drugs and recreational sex ensure that everyone is a happy, unquestioning consumer; messy emotions have been anesthetized and private attachments are considered obscene. Only Bernard Marx is discontented, developing an unnatural desire for solitude and a distaste for compulsory promiscuity. When he brings back a young man from one of the few remaining Savage Reservations, where the old unenlightened ways still continue, he unleashes a dramatic clash of cultures that will force him to consider whether freedom, dignity, and individuality are worth suffering for. (x)

just in case you weren't aware of one of the most talked-about works of English science fiction in the world, there you go.

Nightbitch, Rachel Yoder (2021)

An ambitious mother puts her art career on hold to stay at home with her newborn son, but the experience does not match her imagination. Two years later, she steps into the bathroom for a break from her toddler's demands, only to discover a dense patch of hair on the back of her neck. In the mirror, her canines suddenly look sharper than she remembers. Her husband, who travels for work five days a week, casually dismisses her fears from faraway hotel rooms.

As the mother's symptoms intensify, and her temptation to give into her new dog impulses peak, she struggles to keep her alter-canine-identity secret. Seeking a cure at the library, she discovers the mysterious academic tome which becomes her bible, "A Field Guide to Magical Women: A Mythical Ethnography," and meets a group of mommies involved in a multi-level-marketing scheme who may also be more than what they seem. (x)

this was one of the most exciting drops of 2021 to me; don't let the fact that I haven't actually read it yet fool you. it's (metaphorically) very high on the list.

Tin Man, Sarah Winman (2019)

Ellis and Michael are twelve-year-old boys when they first become friends, and for a long time it is just the two of them, cycling the streets of Oxford, teaching themselves how to swim, discovering poetry, and dodging the fists of overbearing fathers. And then one day this closest of friendships grows into something more.

But then we fast-forward a decade or so, to find that Ellis is married to Annie, and Michael is nowhere in sight. Which leads to the question: What happened in the years between? (x)

I'm sure there's something smart to say about this novel but the whole time I was assembling this blurb I was just thinking about how delightful it is that the title rhymes with the author's name. anyway if you follow that link you can get a VERY reasonably priced paperback copy on bookshop dot org right now.

The Promise, Damon Galgut (2021)

Haunted by an unmet promise, the Swart family loses touch after the death of their matriarch. Adrift, the lives of the three siblings move separately through the uncharted waters of South Africa; Anton, the golden boy who bitterly resents his life's unfulfilled potential; Astrid, whose beauty is her power; and the youngest, Amor, whose life is shaped by a nebulous feeling of guilt.

Reunited by four funerals over three decades, the dwindling family reflects the atmosphere of its country--one of resentment, renewal, and, ultimately, hope. The Promise is an epic drama that unfurls against the unrelenting march of national history, sure to please current fans and attract many new ones. (x)

I have literally nothing to say about this. we sure do love a messy family drama in literary fiction, don't we?

This One Sky Day, Leone Ross (2021)

Set in a fictional archipelago called Popisho, where goats are jealous, gods are mischievous, vulvas drop off unexpectedly and everyone is a tiny bit bored with magic, the novel spans a single day.

A man and a woman, once in love, are walking across the islands towards each other. Xavier Pere, 39 is a master chef, the illegitimate son of a god, formerly addicted to hallucinogenic moths, mourning the death of his wife and forced by a corrupt governor to travel the land, seeking ingredients for the most romantic meal in the world. The female lead is Anise Latibeaudearre, 35, recovering from the loss of her fourth stillborn child. She is investigating a rumour that her husband has made his mistress pregnant.

Xavier and Anise will meet a variety of people throughout the novel: for Xavier, most important will be a paternal connection with a young, indigent graffiti artist called Romanza, who knows a lie when he hears one - and helps him as he struggles not to relapse into moth addiction. For Anise, it will be spending time with other women in a whorehouse. (x)

wow wow wow HELLO? I need to know everything about this world immediately, especially the hallucinogenic moth addiction and the people whose vulvas are just falling off! this is the wildest book in the bunch by far, and feels like a real tasty payoff for working my way all the way to the bottom of the list like this.

[babyboywilson]

will you love me in december as you do in may?

Kiss #5 - Throwing their arms around the other person's neck, hugging them close before kissing them passionately on the mouth.

50 types of kisses masterpost. Also posted on ao3.

Dean loved his job as a literary professor. Exploring novels from the Beat Generation was everything Dean could’ve ever hoped for. Being invited to the annual literary convention as a guest speaker for queer poets had been a dream come true, and he’d loved every second of it.

Except for being away from Cas.

A month and a half stuck in Washington while Cas was back home in Kansas had felt like a lifetime. They’d Facetimed every night and texted everyday, but it wasn’t enough. Dean ached to be home; to be in Cas’ arms and to remember what it felt like to sleep next to the love of his life.

But right now, he wished Cas was sitting next to him on the cramped musty airplane. Cas was the only one who could distract Dean and ease his fear of flying; usually with soft conversations or hummed Metallica songs. Sometimes even a stolen kiss or two.

Another round of turbulence rocked the metal-flying-death-trap and Dean squeezed his eyes shut; yearning to feel Cas’ hand wrapped around his in reassurance. Just one more hour until he finally saw Cas again.

If Cas still wanted him.

The thought had been gnawing at the back of his mind the entire conference. Even with Cas’ face filling his phone screen as they drifted off to sleep with whispered ‘I love you’s’, Dean couldn’t stop the worry creeping through his mind that Cas didn’t love him anymore.

As the airplane shuddered through the air on its downward descent, Dean took a deep breath. If Cas was waiting for him at the airport, then he still loved him. If he wasn’t there… no. Cas said he’d be there. Dean believed him.

The wheels of the plane bumped violently on the tarmac, and Dean kept thinking of Cas’ face; those soft blue eyes and gentle lips finding his in their first kiss in almost two months.

The second he had a cell signal, his fingers flew across the keys; texting Cas.

>> ‘Just landed. I never wanna fly without you again. God, I miss you. T-minus 15 minutes until I can see your beautiful face again.’

As the rows slowly deboarded, Dean checked his phone every five seconds to see if Cas had texted him back, but he got no response.

A curl of panic coiled in Dean’s stomach, and he desperately shoved it down. Cas was probably just waiting to surprise him at Arrivals. Yanking his suitcase from the baggage claim carousel, Dean made his way through the crowded airport in search of Cas.

Even though the plane had landed safely, Dean still felt shaky and nauseous. All he wanted was to let Cas ground him; to feel safe in his lover’s arms. Rounding the corner towards Arrivals, Dean’s heart jumped in his throat. Darting his gaze over the families reuniting- little kids crying with happiness and couples falling into each other’s arms- Dean scanned the crowd for the dumb trenchcoat he secretly adored.

His eyes instantly settled on what was his. Bright blue eyes welling with tears and a soft smile that still took Dean’s breath away. There Cas stood, a bouquet of roses in one hand and a little sign in the other that read, ‘Welcome home Dean,’ in green letters.

Oh God. It was so cliche and Dean loved it.

One second he had a hand on his suitcase, and the next he was being barrelled over with an armful of Cas.

Cas threw his arms around his neck; flowers and homemade sign pressed firmly against Dean’s back as Cas pulled him into a heartfelt and affectionate hug. The force of the hug knocked the air from Dean’s lungs, and he barely had time to catch his breath before Cas was crashing their lips together in a passionate kiss.

The second Cas’ tongue darted across his lower lip, Dean utterly melted. He felt weak in the knees and he locked his arms around Cas’ waist, yanking him closer as Cas slipped his tongue into Dean’s mouth.

It was tortuously arousing and achingly good as Cas leaned further into the kiss, pushing his weight into Dean as he stole the air from Dean’s lungs. One kiss just didn’t seem to appease Cas, because he pulled back for half a second before chasing Dean’s lips again.

One kiss led to two and then three. Cas’ mouth was hot and desperate against his, and Dean just couldn’t get enough. It was as if Cas was making up for lost time; cramming nearly two months worth of kisses into one breathtaking, earth-shattering kiss.

Just as the passion burned deep into Dean’s bones, Cas softened against him. The kisses turned gentle and slow; tracing their lips against each other’s in delicate grazes. Tender touches and sweet sighs had Dean clutching at Cas until he was seeing stars.

Cas finally broke the kisses, murmuring a soft, “Hi” against Dean’s mouth.

Dean’s heart clenched in his chest, and his fingers tightened against Cas’ hipbone. “You still love me?” Dean mumbled, half a question and half a statement.

“I utterly adore you, Dean Winchester,” Cas said, pulling Dean into another kiss as if to prove his point. After a few blissful seconds, Cas shyly offered him the roses with a light blush. “These are for you,” he said, letting their fingers linger against each other as he handed over the flowers.

Dean took the bouquet, taking a second to literally smell the roses before he looped his arm around Cas’ waist again. “You’re a sentimental sap. But, God, I love you,” Dean murmured against Cas’ ear.

“I love you, too. Let’s finally go home,” Cas said softly, hand reaching out to take Dean’s forgotten suitcase.

But Dean didn’t let him step away; seeking Cas’ lips for one last spine-tingling kiss. “As long as I’m with you, I’m already home,” Dean hummed against Cas’ mouth.

“And you call me the sap,” Cas teased, but he kissed Dean even more tenderly in response.

Beta’d by the lovely @aussie-twat!

Tag List Below- (tag list closed at this time! please let me know if you’d like to be added to the waitlist if a spot opens up!)

Tag List: @likepurplemuses @expectingtofly @neo-neo-neo @shadowywerewolfqueen @feraladoration @adsp-destielcockles @milf-dean @y-yo-a-ti-cas67 @toxic-nebula @proudace

@galaxymysteryelephant @you-changedmedean @destielfactory @welcome-to-crowleys-hellhole @sapphirecobalt-1 @galaxycastiel @belacoded @bennedict @jackles-acting-choices @dean-you-assbutt-cas-loves-you

@cassiecasyl @can-i-just-stay-in-the-corner @chaoticdean @wigglebox @50shadesofcockles @trasherasswood @spittingpagan @top13zepptraxx @love-neve-dies @tearsofgrace

@one-more-offbeat-anthem @naturallyathief @queen-rowenas @seffersonjtarship @imjustgenerallyclueless @wormstacheangel @bubblecarr @unamusedelipsis @i-know-like-four-things @lifbitch

@starlightcastiel @sinnabonka @cas-and-dean @faithcastiel @leftistcas @footstepsontherun @apatheticanvas67482 @deancas-bumblebee @professorerudite @llamasdumpsterfire

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@kaylee-tam @donvex @petrichoravellichor @takemetotheworld @ireallydontknowhowtolife @moirindeclermont @casthyelle @lateral-org @im-sam-fucking-winchester @dont-steal-my-demons

@jmjlover @chocolatecakecas @ishipdestiel-lovesofmylifeistg85 @tasersloth @casbelieves @castiels-bumble-bee @destieldisaster @lovesagoodstory1 @marvolord @dean-humanity-winchester

@deanwinvhester @falling-through-void @all-bi-mysellf @cassgirl11 @cas-loves-dean @dailydestieldose @theeditchablepromdate @manifestingdestiel @ciniluv @organicpurplepants

[wickedpact]

A ranking of all the TTT stories in order of how much I liked them.

(Oh god this is so long)

1 My Mother's Axe

BABY ANDYYYYYYYYYYYY. Honestly this one had the trifecta of developing a character's motivations, developing a character's backstory, & developing their personality. The story starting out with Andy teaching Nile to use the axe was so charming and fun, and you could feel that chemistry they had in Opening Fire, the way they teased and bickered with each other so naturally. I loved the wedge between them on the subject of the axe, how Nile was perhaps a little too young to understand Andy's feelings about whether or not its the 'same' axe. I also love how the axe is obviously the symbol of the franchise and hugely important, but you never get a sense of exactly how important it is to Andy until you read the story.

I love the entire Ship of Theseus theme, and how it feels so natural that for Andy she has to get attached to the idea of things rather than the things themselves because she'll always outlive the things themselves-- the axe is symbolically her mom's axe, even if physically it isn't. And I love how she clearly clings to that concept so tightly. "This is the labrys she held in her hands...." IT GETS ME.

And the fact that this sense of BELONGING, of FAMILY, of CULTURE is so important to Andy that she clings to it (figuratively and literally) with both hands. And of course it's important to her, she spent so long alone that the woman doesn't even remember her birth name. That axe (or the idea of that axe) is all she has left of her mother and that family/culture she was born into.

PLUS on that note I love how Andy doesn't remember if her mom was her actual biological mother, but it doesn't matter to her. This woman was her mother in all the ways that counted. And how her mom BETRAYED AND KILLED Andy but Andy loved her so much that she avenged her and carried her axe for thousands of years. THOUSANDS OF YEARS!!!!!!

I also loved how the story transcends the timeline of the whole franchise and seeing Andy through the years. Loved seeing her with the varying squads and with varying axes. Also baby Andy was so cute. It was cool seeing her so young. like holy fuck. Andromache The Scythian, Immortal Warrior (but smol). Love that.

Also I think this one is one of the few ttt stories that doesn't suffer from length problems.

tldr: goddammit greg you've done it again.

2 Zanzibar and Other Harbors

Zanzibar my beloved. I've said before, but it's downright comedic how little regard there was for Joe and Nicky's character designs in this story. The same person who does the colors for the regular comic did the colors for this one too, and you can tell, every panel of this story was Beautiful.

Ik there was A Lot of criticism of this one (lmao @ how the fandom had no idea what was to come) but I thought a lot of The Discourse was a bit dramatic. I did think Nicky came off as a little oblivious to Joe's feelings in this story, but I've said before, I honestly think that was a 'tone not translating' thing. It felt like Nicky was nagging Joe for [checks notes] saving innocent people, but Joe was so amused by Nicky's complaints I really do think it was supposed to come off as teasing.

Plus I know the 'Joe running off into danger and Nicky reluctantly following' dynamic wasn't popular (I'm a pretty meh on it meself) but I did love how Joe's impulsiveness (if you want to call it that) was interpreted as heroism and not hot-hotheadedness. All of the examples Nicky and Joe talked about included Joe explicitly saving people. (and it also took A Lot for the nazi to actually provoke Joe).

I also feel like their characterization here was closest to the movie canon-- the bit where they hear the woman scream and Joe goes running in to save her while Nicky swoops in on Joe's heels to comfort her while Joe and the nazi were fighting reminds me of the train car scene. Joe had suggested First that they go find Nile because she needed to be protected, and Nicky later added that Nile probably also needed emotional support. Similar reactions.

But it was So Good, the themes of queer community and the enduring nature of queer culture are Not themes you see in media that often and it was such a delight how it was done. Also it's one of the few more modern TTT stories that has a completely valid excuse for taking place when it did. Chef's kiss.

3 Passchendaele

I love the Duality between seeing baby Andy and then seeing Mama Andy in the very next issue. This story doesn't have a ton of meat to it, but the entire concept of Andy adopting a war orphan straight off the battlefield PLUCKS MY TENDER LITTLE HEARTSTRINGS, and I think it's especially poignant for comic!Andy. I think most people wouldn't think twice about movie!Andy doing something like that but comic Andy is so hardened and almost cruel sometimes, and seeing that even for her the world hasn't beaten all of the compassion from her yet is SO!!!!!!! this woman contains MULTITUDES okay, she's violent and angry and tired and Done but she's also so kind and compassionate and THE STRENGTH OF HER!!!!! Also the idea of her and Yitzhak co-raising a kid together is so damn cute. It was #mysterious pre-Yitzhak-story but now it's cute. holy fuck. It's cute.

& the headbonk panel of her and Zeus lives in my heart. anyways.

4 Many Happy Returns

I Know people weren't thrilled about Booker being in this one, but I've developed a pet-peeve about that: this story was *not* booker-centric. Booker only exists in this story to the extent required to explain the importance of the gesture Nile makes towards him. If there was a story about Booker making some grand gesture of kindness to Nile no one would be saying it was Nile-centric. bc it wouldn't be! Booker exists in this story to explore Nile's kindness, its not about him. I saw that a couple times and it bothered me. anyways.

AAAAAAAAAA I loved this one, the art was beautiful, I loved how Andy Nile and Booker were drawn (like their comic selves but.. more looking like actual people). I loved Andy and Nile's Bants, how Andy wanted to jump right in and Do Violence but Nile was basically telling her to hold her horses.

I feel like I'm just repeating the post I made on this story a few days ago, but I LOVED how Nile's plan revolves not around violence or Cool Mercenary Skills but on Nile's own life skills (as she canonly did a lot of minimum wage job-hopping before the marines in comics canon). Her plan used her skills, not the skills of an immortal warrior, and HER SKILLS were in fact more useful for the situation! lov to see Nile's resourcefulness and planning skills.

AND HOW NILE WAS PROBABLY WATCHING BOOKER??? it's so Much bc 1.) nile knew booker A SINGLE DAY and yet he made such an impression on her emotionally that she had to keep an eye on him and 2.) she said in the movie she wanted Booker to get off free with an apology. Yes she's a member of the team but that doesn't mean she's necessarily going to follow orders like a good little soldier. I also love how she convinced Andy to go along with it. her HEART, her KINDNESS, her THOUGHTFULNESS, UGH.

5 The Bear

Honestly I have like no negative things to say about this one other than a.) character design issues which is less about the story itself and is more of a 'tog comic in general' criticism and b.) too short, but it was supposed to be a tease, so.

But I loved Yitzhak, I wasn't expecting to really like him at all but like I said in my other post, he tickled me. I love characters who are Kind™, especially if they have little reason to be so given their backgrounds. Chef's kiss. Lov him.

6 Bonsai Shokunin

I know this one was a little controversial bc of the outsider POV but whenever I see people upset about that they never point out that the Outsider Guy (the samurai) existed as a reflection on Noriko. His ideas are explained in the text to develop hers. The whole story follows how she gave mercy to a scared young man and in response he murdered Noriko, repeatedly! Who gave him the right to inflict such pain and suffering on the world? In his opinion, the lack of response from the gods was his permission. And for Noriko-- over and over again she dies and suffers because she gave mercy, which lines up with her ideas in FM about how it's their fate to rule mortals and if they don't align with that plan/fate/whatever then they suffer. It shows some background to those ideas and how they developed in her mind outside of Ocean Madness™. Additionally, his idea of 'the Gods have done nothing to strike me down so it's fine if I do these things' kind of explains how Noriko may justify her own morally corrupt actions-- she's died so many times and it's never stuck. Maybe if she did die any of those times, or while she was in the water, maybe that would've been a sign she was doing something right, or at least doing something normal. But she hasn't died. Fate isn't done with Noriko yet. And maybe there's a reason for that. In her mind, it's just not a very pleasant reason, is all.

There were things I was kind of meh about tho. I did kind of wish we saw something of Noriko and the team, or smth explaining the way she was before her dip in the pool-- personality, likes dislikes, etc. but it wasn't bad or anything. It was super vague tho, I had to read it a few times before I got what it was going for. Liked the art. Liked the bonsai metaphor. And of course I Respect the decision to use the 1300s (1200s? I don't remember off the top of my head) rather than using the last 200 years.

7 Strong Medicine

Honestly looking back, this one made me kind of sad because both this one and Bonsai Shokunin explored character's ideas on Fate and The Divine and how that intersects with immortality and I totally thought that theme would be continued, especially with Love Letters. But Then It Wasn't™.

Admittedly.... I had to re-read this one to remember most of it. I liked Booker's ideas on God, 'The conductor of the symphony just may not be very good at his trade' but the plot itself was kind of forgettable. Some fuckin cowboys try to kill a doctor (their second) because he couldn't save their sickly brother. Book tries to stop them, gets killed, and then comes back and kills them all before they get the doctor. Alright. I liked the artstyle because the characters were ugly in a similar way that leandro's are, but way more bearable.

I love the Irony of Booker concluding that there is no such thing as fate or destiny and nothing has meaning, AS HE UNKNOWINGLY SAVES MERRICK'S GRANDFATHER FROM BEING KILLED. Booker getting fucked over by life/god/destiny yet again. It also kind of explains about where the fuck hell Merrick's interest in immortal mercenaries even came from.

I originally had this one a lot higher and then I thought about it and moved it down like two spots.

8 Never Gets Old

I liked seeing Booker interact with his kid. And we got a name for the kid! Philippe was a little bitch though, he was a little obnoxious. I liked how Booker was so thrilled to experience a restaurant with his kid (and since we know he was there before, it can be assumed he went with all of his kids and yet he was so charmed each time). It fits with his line to Nicky in the moon landing story about how you don't appreciate beautiful things 'unless you have someone to share them with'. It was charming to see Booker interact with his kid, and to see him so happy. Also lmao @ Booker's big fat Ye Olde Crush on Andy.

However at the same time it was like.. of all the things to write about,,, I guess? Booker's Night Out...... alright. Especially since Book had so many stories.

I don't know, it was alright. The old man killing him really came out of nowhere, (but the 'Salut, asshole!' panel was funny tho).

9 How To Make a Ghost Town

I've hit a point where talking about these stories has gotten less fun. I liked this one but I felt like Achilles getting lynched was not really necessary for a story that was already tragic (a story that already involved Achilles doing a lot of suffering at the hand of bigots). When we first got the blurb for this story I thought it would be about Andy returning to the squad and making friends with Booker after losing Achilles and them butting heads on the idea of family and when to cut off ties. So a little bit of my underwhelmedness about this one might be just my expectations being different.

Honestly I was pretty interested in Andy and Achilles' relationship and I would've liked to see more of them-- like, what was their dynamic like? What did they love about each other?

But anyways Andy leaving and Achilles getting killed anyways feels so pointlessly tragic (which I suppose is the point..... I don't like tragedies) she left to save him and yet people killed him anyway. Meh.

I did love the bits about Andy wanting to have a domestic life (Andy and her multitudes again) and the little detail about how she buried her axe near the road but he buried his guns under his bed-- he was an escaped slave, he never had the luxury of assuredness like Andy did. It was a sad story.

10 Lacus Solitudinis

'You put this one above love letters crim??? how could you???' easy, lmao.

There was stuff in this one I liked. But to talk about stuff I didn't like: (I'll keep it brief, I know ragging on this story has been done time and time again)

UH, setting aside the 6 year cold shoulder between Joe and Nicky, I thought their chosen method of conflict resolution was... bad at best. Nicky's inability to talk about his feelings was also annoying, especially since the entire point of this story is a fight Joe and Nicky had, and yet we don't get both sides to the story, which is...... important? That fact is especially annoying bc in the absence of Nicky explaining his side of the story, it's absolutely a possible (and admittedly probably unintentional) interpretation of the text that we do get that Joe routinely resolves conflict between him and Nicky by simply cutting Nicky out of his life entirely until Nicky just. caves? Even if it takes years?

WHICH i could get into that interpretation and how fucked up i find it. but im not going to. out of restraint.

I don't know, I think there are a lot of interesting ways to go about this conflict but 'Nicky wants to kill a guy and Joe refuses to acknowledge his existence until he stops because he thinks Nicky is too much of a Good Boy to get his hands dirty like that' ('I wont watch as the world turns his (...) compassion into something ugly'. ) wasn't.. how I would've done it. (I mean you know Joe doesn't give a shit about what Nicky is doing in a moral way, because Joe doesn't even care or mention that Booker is killing those cops too. Joe only cares because he doesn't like the idea of Nicky changing in a way he finds undesirable.)

admittedly I've said before, I do like the emphasis Joe's reaction puts on Nicky's kindness. Joe has a complete inability to cope with Nicky simply Not Being Kind. It speaks to the steadiness of Nicky's compassion all those years. but still that fact doesn't make it the conflict feel worth it

hm. I said I would be brief and I wasn't.

oh well. basically I thought there was interesting conflict potential there but it wasn't done the way I would've liked, and the way it was done leaves a lot of disturbing (and again probably unintended) interpretations to lie.

What I did like? Andy and Joe having that pessimist/optimist dynamic. Joe nerding out about science. Andy not being impressed by The Achievements Of Man. I loved Booker needling at Nicky about his outdated slang and also trying to give him Older Brother advice practically in the same breath. I loved Booker giving The Worst relationship advice ever and Nicky being like 'I Will Not Do That, Ever, Thanks.' the family vibes were so good. The Joenicky vibes left a lot to be desired tho.

11 Love Letters

I talked about my problems with Nicky in this story (and Lacus Solitudinis). I don't know, the story isn't bad but I do hold a little bit of a grudge towards it because its very existence begs the existence of a solo Joe story and we didn't get one. If we never got this story, then we could happily count Lacus Solitudinis and Zanzibar as The Joenicky Stories™ and move on with our lives. sigh.

I remember when we first got the blurb for this story I was really curious about why Nicky specifically + the setting, and the answer kind of feels like 'the author had an idea for a story like this and saw ttt as a good enough place to utilize that idea'. Plus I was really underwhelmed by the Romantic Sentiment in the letter. If you look at it line-by-line, the majority of the letter is actually Nicky talking about how lonely and disturbed he is, rather than actual,, yknow,,, Romantic Sentiment. I mean, compare the van speech and this letter and this letter is just kind of meh in comparison. I liked nicky calling joe wise! and I liked the brief sun/moon metaphor! and otherwise it was eh. It didn't even have cute squad banter, which is why Lacus Solitudinis is above this one.

12 An Old Soul

Nun orgy. Nun orgy?????? Nun orgy.......

The whole story felt like a setup to have a nun orgy. Why did Booker have abs? Why did they do that to Andy's nose? ?????? the art was good at least.

nun orgy.

[luhrmannatural]

Favorite Destiel Fics of 2021

We’re a few days into 2022 now but I wanted to make a list of my favorite fics I read in 2021! I keep track of all the fics I read using notion but I thought it would be cool to also have a list somewhere of what my actual favorites were. I’m going to list 10 short fics and 10 longer fics, which I placed in arbitrary categories based on which fics I thought were long enough to download and read offline. Honorable mention to deathbanjo who I read for the first time this year and whose work will not be forgotten <3 List of fics under the cut (in order of length, not preference)!

Short Fics

The Right Time by relucant, T, 776 words. I somehow unearthed this one day after spending way too much time on fanlore reading about the No Homo Intern in the writers’ room, which was a spnblr meme literal years ago. The meme was still really hazy in my memory even after I read about it, but this fic felt like a time capsule into 2015/16 destiel fandom. None of the characters are in this. It’s basically just a scene about the writers debating whether or not to make destiel canon. It’s so true to how we as fans viewed each writer back then, and even still do to this day. This one just really made me laugh and was full of nostalgia.

Your Will Be Done by awed_frog, T, 3k. Sam centric fic that takes place during the Casifer arc and explores how Sam feels about Lucifer possessing his best friend with a side of destiel. Perfect for me because understanding Sam doesn’t come as naturally to me as some of the other characters but I love reading about him when he’s written by people who really get him. As a Dean understander I can be pretty picky about what I’ll like, but when it comes to Sam I’m just SO excited to be reading about him that I know I’ll love anything that focuses on him without falling into some of the more common tropes (ie being secondary to/obsessed with Dean and Cas).

what needed to happen by lamphouse, G, 3.8k. Post Empty rescue fic based on the New Girl cookie scene. Somehow made me incredibly emotional despite being based on a scene from a sitcom. I’ll never see New Girl in the same way again.

the nature and scope of knowledge by saltyfeathers, T, 4.4k. Coda to The Prisoner that manages to be SO tender despite how violent that episode is. I read this right after getting to this episode on my rewatch and I totally recommend that experience.

Remember us in life by a_good_soldier, T, 5.1k. Finale fix it that deals with TFW’s perceptions of self. This fic deals a lot with queerness in relation to Christianity and is probably the shortest fic to ever make me fully break down sobbing. I don’t think I will ever forget reading this. It was incredibly therapeutic for me because of my experiences, but I think even if I hadn’t had those experiences, I’d love this fic because of how incredibly the characters are written, especially Sam, who usually just doesn’t get enough love in destiel fics (as I already mentioned).

Noctambulation by MalMuses, T, 5.8k. Yet another fix it, because that’s 90% of the short fics that I read this year. Cas becomes human after being rescued and starts sleepwalking. One of the softest things I’ve ever read and the writing style reflects that from beginning to end.

what’s there to talk about by FagurFiskur, M, 6k. This fic is all about how Sam views Dean’s bisexuality at different points in his life. By now I think it’s obvious how much I love getting solid Sam content out of a fic, and anything that centers bi Dean automatically becomes a must read for me, so getting two in one was great. To me it just feels like a really honest portrait about how family members are affected by a loved one’s journey with their sexuality. I think it shows how much Sam really loves Dean and wants him to be happy without veering into shipper!Sam territory, which is not my favorite thing to read.

In Due Time (Dean Winchester is Saved) by caelum_writes, T, 11k. Post finale fic where pre-series Dean gets transported to the present day and sees what his life is like (featuring baby Jack). I love anything with pre-series Dean, but this one really stood out to me. What I love about it is how young Dean gets the space to talk with all three members of TFW in the present and get their perspectives on the path their lives have taken. And the ending brought it all together so beautifully.

Broadway Musical by Griftings, M, 12k. Heaven wants Dean and Jo to be together, and Cas is charged with making it happen. I read this one before I decided to start keeping track of what I read in more detail, so it’s a little fuzzy by now, but I remember thinking this fic was absolutely hilarious.

pieces by museaway, M, 15k. This fic is basically just a series of scenes from Cas’ POV except Destiel is canon the entire time. I read this pretty early on in the year when I was still damaged from the finale and I think it fixed me.

Long(er) Fics

an emptying by museaway, M, 26k. After falling, Cas loses his memories but keeps having nightmares about Dean. Dean eventually finds him and Cas learns more about who he is. I’m being vague so I don’t spoil it, but this one is great and very underrated compared to some of this author’s other work.

Undone by domesticadventures, E, 27k. This is an endverse fic that diverges from canon during season 4 and follows endverse Cas’ POV through the events of 5x04. Also the reason I’m making this list in 2022 since I finished it on December 31. This is a heavy fic, so mind the tags! This author simply does not miss, so if you like this one you should also check out their episode codas!

the inexhaustible silence of houses by Askance, T, 31k, MCD. I remember this fic being one of the only ones that was regularly mentioned when I first joined tumblr in 2013. It has a lot of hits, but I feel like newer fans might not know about it since I haven’t really seen it around much since I created this sideblog last year. I never read it when I was on spnblr the first time, but I remembered the title for all these years, so it was one of the first ones I downloaded when I decided I wanted to start reading fic again. I was apprehensive about it because I was afraid of being disappointed after how popular I remember it being, but it drew me in right away. The writing was so atmospheric, and it was such a beautiful story despite the heavy content. Also probably one of the best closing lines I’ve ever read.

Dark Side of the Moon by imogenbynight, M, 37k. AU where Dean gets stranded on the moon after a mission goes wrong and Cas is on the team that rescues him. This is a really creative AU that I read pretty recently. Thinking about the amount of research that must have gone into this makes me appreciate it so much more than I did just from reading it. I especially loved all the side characters and how they contributed to the story.

Put up your Dukes by saltyfeathers, E, 38k. This one is pretty popular so I don’t think I need to say too much, but it’s an incredibly h*rny case fic that also has some really sweet moments and had me laughing out loud at multiple points.

Every Part of the Animal by Askance and komodobits, M, 47k, MCD. I genuinely think this is the best komodobits fic even though I love them all. This is a canon divergent horror fic based on The Descent, which is a movie I have never seen. For that reason, I can’t say how accurate it is compared to the film, but I thought the way it weaved spn canon into a pre-existing movie was really interesting and clever. Extremely underrated as far as komodobits goes, probably because of the MCD tag combined with all the other tags. This is the only work of horror I’ve ever read that’s had me feeling genuinely scared. My jaw actually dropped at one point and I was reading with my mouth open. This story just did not stop. I also felt like there was a point to all the horror, which isn’t always the case for me.

And This, Your Living Kiss by opal_bullets, M, 56k. I think everyone has read this at this point, but I’m listing it anyway because I’d be lying if I didn’t. THEE poet Dean fic. AUs can be really hit or miss for me, but this one definitely hits. It somehow manages to be one of the best Dean character studies I’ve ever read despite not being canonverse, and it also has some of my favorite scenes between Sam and Dean across all fics.

The Goldenrod Revisions by aethylas, M, 66k. The ultimate finale fix it. Another fic I’ve seen on my dash fairly often, and for good reason. I think this fic is going to become a staple even when I rewatch the show. I don’t think I’ll ever watch (the acceptable parts of) season 15 again without reading this immediately after.

i want to do with you (what spring does with cherry trees) by sobsicles, E, 74k. Sobsicles has a lot of great fics but this one is easily my favorite. I love anything that reworks canon over the long term, but the focus on Dean losing Cas over and over and how he copes with it in this one makes it hit on a different level.

Cinderwings by bendingsignpost, M, 181k. Another well-known fic but it deserves it! Cinderella AU but it’s so much more than that. Cas goes to a masquerade ball in disguise to complete a mission that will save his people. In addition to a great overarching story, there are so many small details that really make this one stand out, like how Cas perceives the cultural differences he encounters. If you’re going to read any long fic, it should be this one.

[for-hunger]

Hello my INSANE Will-Graham-Is-Trans-Coded essay is about halfway done at this point and I’m posting my progress here in hopes that someone will give me some kind of feedback? I’m literally just writing a goddamn manifesto for my own enjoyment/hyperfixation/therapy as I haven’t written an essay since college. I’m also citing various peoples’ metas and stuff from here. CW for the usual Hannibal stuff as well as liberal use of the words vagina/female with regards to transmasculinity, mention of SA/r*pe

First, because of the depiction of Will Graham’s mind as vaginal, and because of his alienation from traditional masculinity that that vaginality causes him, I am defining him as a metaphorical transmasculine figure: a man whose talent is coded as debilitatingly female. Graham is introduced as a thirty-something professor at the FBI academy, antisocial despite his intelligence and physical ability. The reason for his alienation is his “pure empathy” disorder, a way of “[feeling] way too much” (“It’s a Matter of Taste"). This is a pure fantasy invention, explained at points as “too many mirror neurons” (cite). He describes it as manifesting “[close to] Asperger’s and autistics” (1.01). This makes him a medical and psychological curiosity, although he avoids professional attention, as well as leading to his recruitment as an FBI Special Agent by Jack Crawford. Crawford gives him a job as a criminal profiler; he visits particularly brutal crime scenes and, alone in the room, imagines himself acting out the crimes of the murderers, including their feelings. The murderers’ thoughts, feelings, and actions, lingering at their crime scenes, penetrate his overly empathetic (empathic?words lol) mind. Unfortunately, he cannot compartmentalize these penetrations. Like a trauma survivor, he finds motifs, urges, and feelings from these scenes following him into his psychic life. At times, his control slips, and he will blurt out a thought from one of the killers rather than himself (cite?).

Will constantly being described as “liquid”/ “fluid”

Graham’s power, rather than lying in a masculine field such as analysis, forensics, or violence, is distinctly feminized; his mind is a psychological vessel for violent men, whose penetrations corrupt him, body and soul.

Secondly, Graham is non-functional socially as a masculine figure. He has no close personal relationships, instead rescuing stray dogs. At one point, he initiates a kiss with his colleague, but she rejects him because he is “too unstable” (cite). In his past as a police officer, he retired because he was unable to shoot and kill a dangerous suspect, an obvious phallic failure in a show full of weapons. In addition, the show sets up Will’s unfulfilled longing to be a parent through Abigail Hobbs, the daughter of a serial killer who he catches and kills in the show’s opening episode.

Throughout the narrative, Will’s masculinity is contrasted with the masculinity of his boss and paternal figure Jack Crawford. Crawford, despite his tenderness and care for Will, often misunderstands him, either patronizing him or treating his unique needs with impatient scorn. In the first episode, Crawford asks him about his autism, leaning down to gently push up his glasses and force him to make eye contact (Fig 1). Crawford and Graham frequently clash over his inability to compartmentalize and deal with the workload Crawford puts on him, emphasizing how Crawford misunderstands the toll the work takes and expects him to be functional in ways that he’s not. In Jack’s world, the properly emotionally repressed, masculine world of the father, there is no reverence for either Will’s vulnerability or his talent. In addition, Jack’s relationship with Will is caught between the personal (as his quasi-father-figure) and the professional. Jack ultimately values Will’s importance as a tool over his personhood, and a tool that needs to function correctly within its place to be valuable. This further communicates to the viewer that Will’s existence is something unique and dysfunctionally extra-masculine.

If Jack Crawford represents the morally correct masculinity of the father, Hannibal Lecter is a morally neutral, but highly destructive masculine power. It is not a functional masculinity, but a pure force of masculine power that exists beyond good and evil, and even beyond traditional gender and sexuality roles. Hannibal’s pansexuality- Tobias, Will, Alana 3some. The show’s creators represent Lecter as he sees himself, as a godlike figure. A few sentences about Hannibal and god?

Although Lecter is somewhat queer-coded, he’s also by far the most functional, moral, and successful character on the show, a kind of modern renaissance man who charms and is useful to everyone around him. His life is immaculately groomed, planned, and predictable, “without friends, family, or messy romantic attachments” (ailichi). However, as a surgeon and a serial cannibal, he is deeply involved in the work of life and death through bodily violence. At one key early moment, Graham watches Lecter perform emergency surgery on a dying man in the back of an ambulance. Graham and Lecter make sustained eye contact while Lecter is wrist-deep in the man’s chest. At this moment, Graham realizes Lecter not only has the skill set to be the killer, the Chesapeake Ripper, but also more broadly that he possesses the great power to reach into bodies and determine who lives and who dies- he is not simply some fussy European with strange taste.

In general Lecter’s cannibalism is in contrast with his overtly immaculate life- it is a “‘dirty’ crime; gore and liquidity and uncivilisation”. It reveals his true “fertility and passion and eroticism in the quiet abiotic clinical sterility that is his life … his only vice in the eyes of the world… is actually the only thing that humanises him” (ailichi). His dinners with the other characters, in which he feeds them his victims, represent not simply a joke he is playing on them, but also his only ability to provide for and connect honestly with those around him.

Lecter therefore for the viewer and for Graham, comes to represent the truth of a masculinity that can be accessed by them- an amoral masculinity that includes breaking the boundaries of the body, as is Graham’s mind’s power. Lecter and Graham quickly connect intellectually; he is in a unique position to understand the violation, the pleasure, and the shame involved in Graham’s work, because his own humanity depends on his ability to break the boundaries of the body and mind in a way that is too messy and bodily to be simply masculine. The abject as corrupting the gendered?

[enter-a-newsies-obsession]

Dark Alleys and Dark Bruises- Javid

Helllloooo!!! I haven’t posted a Javid oneshot for awhile so here you go! (also on Wattpad: Forbidden Thoughts~Javid Oneshots)

TW: blood, homophobia, use of f****t, angst (with happy ending!!)

The dirty puddles twinkled in the soft lamplight as Jack Kelly's footsteps disturbed them. He watched the ripples disappear into the edges, humming with slight interest. Leaning on the wall beside him, Jack looked up at the few stars that he could see through the clouds.

That kid's really killin' me, he thought bitterly. Again, his mind landed on a subject that he could never escape: David Jacobs.

Jack was on the way back to the Lodge from walking Davey and Les to their home, "It's dangerous out these days," was the only excuse he could muster, trying to hide the fact he just wanted more time with Davey.

Now, as Jack stood alone, he looked glumly around. Everything here could only remain him of Davey- the grimy pavement as dark as the boys hair, the soft lamplight as tender as his cheek, hidden alleyways where Jack would fantasise pulling him into, the twinkling stars matching his shining eyes.

Jack shook his head angrily.

He pushed off the wall and stuffed his hands roughly in his pockets. Girls, boys, he loved them both. Too bad none but the newsies really liked that.

So caught up in his thoughts as he was, Jack didn't see the two shadows slither up  behind him.

A voice dripped in sarcasm drifted out from the darkness as Jack froze in his tracks.

"Oi! What'd we's have here now? That the famous Jack Kelly, is it?"

Oscar and Morris Delancey scuffled out from behind him. Jack sighed loudly, turning back with a fake, smug smile and threw his hands up.

"Oscar, Morris. What cha doing down in these parts, shouldn't yer be crawlin' 'round by someone else's feet at this time of night?"

Oh, they didn't like that comment.

Their smiles faded and clean shaven jaw clenched.

"We's was just passin' by 'til we saw ya round 'ere alone." Oscar spat, cracked his knuckles and advanced. Jack tried to stand his ground but when Oscars hot and mucky breath washed over his cold face, he clenched his fists and stepped back.

"My fists have been aching without anything to punch-" before Jack could respond, Morris took a swing at him, but he dodged it with a gulp. What were they playing at? What did they want?

"Oi, where's yer little boyfriend, aye Kelly? Davey was it?"

Ah, so that's what they wanted.

"Don't have a boyfriend," Jack shrugged, "What, you offering Morris?"

Morris growled and pushed him roughly into an empty alley way. Jack, who hadn't prepared to be pushed, fell violently onto his back, hitting his head on the pavement. Before he could get up, Oscar dug his heel into his chest and forced him back down.

He leaned over him, "Come on Jaaaack, you can tell us if yer a dirty homosexual. We's won't tell."

Jack struggled against his foot and attempted to push him off.

"I ain't gonna. An' if I were, I don't  appreciate yer callin' us dirty."

Oscar let Jack scramble up to stand, then kicked him in the stomach, winding him and making him double over in a vulnerable position where they could sock him right in the jaw.

"We's ain't stupid," Morris growled, "You're a disgusting f****t, we've seen the way you and that Davey kid look at each other."

Jack coughed up bright red blood onto the grimy pavement.

"Burn in hell." He snarled.

They leaned forward, "Oh, we won't be the only ones, Queer."

Before another breath could be taken, they started kicking him down, punching him in the jaw, bruising his ribs, cutting his head until it bled on the ground, spitting on his face.

Then, they left him in the cold, bleeding and bruised, hardly able to sit up, slurs echoing through his head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Where's Jack?" Les whined, looking around at the Newsies Square. Davey's smile flattered but he straightened up to pat his brother reassuringly on his head.

"He'll be here."

A minute passed, then five, then fifteen.

Crutchie hobbled over to them.

"You's seen Jack this mornin'?"

Davey's brow furrowed and shook his head. "No. Didn't he come back last night?"

It was Crutchies turn to shake his head.

Davey looked around anxiously, "He wouldn't have gone to Brooklyn or Queens or somethin'?"

Crutchie looked around as if he would sense him. "Nah, he woulda told one a us," he frowned. "Or you's guys," he added.

Worry started to tease at the edge off Davey's mind. Jack was strong. He would be fine.

If he's strong he would've made it back by now, Daveys brain argued.

  Okay, now his mind was full of fear of every single bad thing that could happen to a Newsies around these parts- especially in the middle of the night when Jack had left.

Racer- who had previous joined the conversation- laid a reassuring hand on David's shoulder, "Aye..... Aye Dave what ya worrying about? It's gonna be-"

"I'm gonna go look for 'em," Davey snapped, turning sharply away before giving Les the money and waving a quick goodbye for now. After a nod from Crutchie, Racetrack went with him.

~~~~~~~~~~~

They had been following the route back to Davey's apartment for a while now, checking each dark alley, each shop window, each side street, just for a small glimpse of where Jack was.

Davey had started panicking when they had gone almost half an hour without a clue, taking off his hat to run his clammy fingers through his dark hair.

"I really dunno," Race sighed, kicking a stick on the road into the alleyway next to them, "he could be anywhere by now, Davey, I-"

There was a groan from the alleyway. Race and David froze.

"What was that....?" Davey half-heartily whispered as Race was already approaching the dark clump .

"Err.....Dave, you better come 'ere quick..."

Davey ran. Then, just as fast, he froze..

Davey found it hard to believe that Jack Kelly- one of the strongest leaders Dave knew, the hard muscled boy with an equally quick witted come back always ready, the boy who never flinched in the way of danger- was the same boy who curled and flinched as Dave put a trembling hand to his shoulder.

"Jack?" He didn't respond as Davey crouched beside him, next to Race, "Hey Jackie?"

"...Dave?"

The voice that whispered was hoarse and cold, nothing like the Jack Dave knew. His head lolled towards where Davey's voice came from. His fingers were crusted with old blood, his face was covered in darkening bruises and an angled nose was red and dried, but through the pain he was still able to reach towards his Dave.

"Hey Jack, it's gonna be okay, it'll be okay, just wait," Dave leaned down to wrap his finger around Jacks, whispering soft assurances. As soon as he had finished he whipped his head up to Race and hissed instructions.

"Racetrack we're getting Jack back to my house."

Race looked between them and opened his mouth to say something.

"Now."

Race, suddenly extremely scared of David, jumped up to push Jack up to sitting.

"Slowly!"

Race flinched.

Jack moaned in pain as he was forced up. Davey reached forward to caress gently at one of Jacks bigger bruises on his face, and held his head when Jack nuzzled into his soft, warm hand.

"It'll be okay..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After helping (well, more precisely, dragging) Jack back to Davey's apartment Race went back to Newsies Square to tell the others what happened. He could only gesture a quick goodbye through the fussing of David's mother.

"Is this the Jack Kelly you've been talking so much about? I can help- if you need. I....I can...Help clean the wounds- oh I'll go make something hot! How 'bout I-"

"I can do it, Ma," Davey interrupted his mother, smiling softly afterward. Jack was currently asleep on Davey's bed, words and movements too hard on his body at the moment. David's mother insisted on helping.

"I can handle it, Ma, I swear. I... actually, when I think about it, can you get me a cloth and some water?"

"Of course!"

That would occupy her for a bit.

Letting out a breath, Davey moved over to where Jack was laid, sleeping peacefully, and sat at his feet.

Dave's mother came in to give her son the rag and water, then, after Davey asked her to close the door on her way out, left hesitantly.

Then they were alone.

The resting boy grunted softly in his dream. Dampening the cloth, Davey pressed it against Jacks forehead.

It went on like that for quite some time, and even though it was lonely, Dave enjoyed watching Jack's chest gently rise and fall with each of his quiet breaths, no pain or stress currently weighing it down.

When it came to unbuttoning Jacks vest to reveal his bare chest to clean the wounds underneath, Davey did it hesitantly and slowly.

Jack would understand, wouldn't he? Yeah...yeah.

~

A sudden coldness and sticky pain was what woke him. Jack stirred slightly, peeling open his heavy eyelids to squint at the hazy silhouette of a beautiful boy.

He looked to the side and Jack made out the curve of a nose through the shining light which shone behind the boy he stared at.

An angel?

Jack blinked the sand out of his eyes and grunted gingerly, moving his arms under him to lift himself up.

Davey turned. "Oh! Hey Jackie, how ya feeling?" He whispered, the edges of his lips curling in both happiness and worry.

"Aye, er," he winced as he moved his ribs, "could be better, i think."

Davey didn't like seeing Jack in pain, so he made a practiced move to help him sit up and positioned the pillow so he could rest on it.

Jack looked down at his open shirt, took one glance at a blushed Davey, and said nothing about it.

"So..." Davey whispered, "What happened? Who did it, 'cuz I'll go soak 'em right now if I have to, I'll knock some bloody sense inter 'em, you don't mess with Jack Kelly and get away with it-"

"Nah, nah, Davey don't do that it's fine." Davey huffed out a breath. Jack smirked as he watched him wrestle his thoughts and eventually- and angrily might I add- brought the cloth back up to a wound on Jacks cheek that had already been cleaned.

The silence stretched out for longer than what was comfortable.

"It was the Delancey's..." Jack muttered after awhile.

Davey gritted his teeth.

"They's were just pickin' on me, that's all." Jack could tell Dave didn't bye it. He didn't meet his eye, but the pause in his cleaning told a tale.

"What did they say?" David hissed, finally bringing back his hand and looking Jack in his beautifully dark eyes. Jack looked away.

"Theys....nothin'.....it was nothin' Dave..."

"It was not nothing, Jack, don't lie to me, I found you lying in an alley, hardly bloody conscious!"

Jack blinked. He hadn't heard Davey this angry since the strike.

"I....Fine.....T.....Theys were callin' me slurs. Sayin' I should die for being.....for liking boys like I do...." Jack looked away again.

David froze. Then he started to move, eyes cold as he pushed off the bed. But Jack caught his arm- trying to hide his flinch at the sudden movement.

"Davey....David, don't. Yer won't do no good, ya just get yourself beat up too."

"Well if that's what it takes-"

"Davey. P....Please just stay 'ere."

Dave sat back down, somewhat sad and reluctant, and they sat in silence for a time.

"You's don't deserve to die, Jack. Don't let them get to you."

Looking up slowly, Jack smiled- the kind of smile he would normally hide, or the one he wore while blushing. Then, he reached towards Dave's hand.

"Thanks, Dave, ya really are a....pal."

Davey focused his gaze intently on the floorboards, lips frowned, opened, closed, blew out a laboured breath. Previously furrowed brows deepened further.

Chuckling hurt, but Jack thought it was worth it. Reaching up to rest his hand on Dave's jaw, he sat up slightly further. He turned the boys face toward him.

They looked at each other tenderly, taking in each feature and strand of hair they were both so in love with.

Then, Davey leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the top of Jacks forehead, smiling against his skin.

He pulled back and Jack instantly grabbed his waist and pulled him in for a long needed hug.

[mego42]

Shamelessly stealing @foxmagpie​’s monthly rec thing without the ability to get my life together to do these on a monthly basis so, seasonal recs! So excited to see if I manage to do this again with anything remotely resembling consistency but i’ve been keeping the notes for approximately 43 years (or since ~september, whatever that means) so by god i’m gonna use them. 

found my thrill - s_t_c_s / @sothischickshe​

Turner POV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

guys turner is SO OBSESSED with Beth and Rio

both canonically and in this fic

it’s gr9

also features a weirdly soothing and relatable cord untangling moment as a metaphor

truly disturbingly relatable turner pov tbh

relentless boomer disdain, always a plus

led to the creation of this monstrosity, not sure what kind of a monster would do that

War In My Mind - mintletters16

Backread!!!!

post-213, gorgeous character study 

guaranteed to make you feEl stUfF

I really love the like, cyclical, fractured pattern of Beth’s internal monologue, it gives the whole thing a really affecting at times dreamy, at times haunted vibe

the end twist is *chef’s kiss*

mourning bells - Ejunkiet / @ejunkiet​

Backread!!!!

Later s2 era, Rio’s at a funeral, gets drunk and calls Beth

V short, kind of…..mmm, not sweet, but almost? Idk

It’s got a wistful sort of almost/i can be quiet with you vibe that i go extremely bonkers for

delinquents - foxmagpie / @foxmagpie​

Lol are any of you actually not reading this yet?

g o d ch 8 where do i start

First off how ABSOLUTELY VERY DARE for the tragic angst that is delinquents!beth boland. This poor baby, this precious bean. MUST PROTEC

SHE’S TRYING HER BEST AND I LOVE HER

zero percent deserves dean’s clammy hands, no i have not forgotten, tattooed on my brain, will never forgive

I also love love love love LOVE the ruby/stan subplot happening

(and ruby’s mom!!!!!) (seriously though you write the best moms)

oh god and baby beth starting to have confusing feelings about rio?????? *chef’s kiss*

p sure i was just like, straight screaming the entire end of the chapter

the dugout is like, pure serotonin

I can’t even talk about the closet

tHe teNsiOn

thank you i will take eleventy billion

don't give it a hand, offer it a soul - medievalraven / @medievalraven

am a desperate heaux for any fic that features rio and mick friendship

you are all incredibly shocked i know

still would not be mad if this swerved into rio x mick fake dating but beth x rio is cool too i guess

Speaking of things i am a desperate heaux for: DIANE!!!!!!!!

and DATING ANNIE???????????? Blessed

honestly this fic is worth it purely for the assertion that mick watches queer eye

Why don't we go to Venus? - watermelonriddles / @bensonstablers​

another grief study! 

apparently i was working through some stuff in september, idk, that was like 4 years ago

considering it’s the premise of the fic, i don’t think it’s a spoiler to say this fic is canon divergent and working with the premise that rio killed beth in 302

he is uh, not coping well

extremely haunted you might say

lots of marcus and rhea which is a delight!

rhea is to good for him tbh

i said what i said

truly top notch dream (nightmare?) sequences

the conversation at the end is extremely uncalled for

drop the game - Ejunkiet / @ejunkiet​

Backread!!!!

Am going to die mad Beth and Rio didn’t hook up in 211 but luckily this fic scratched the itch 

(temporarily, it’s a fairly permanent itch)

Bonus rec: missing scene series i wanna do bad things to you featuring 2x02 and 2x04

Viva Voce - zetuslapetus / @querenaxx​

Whoops we woke up married Vegas shenanigans!! 

So cute!!!!! So sexy!!!!! 

What more do you want?

am desperately obsessed with how beth can’t help stalking rio

feels right, feels organic

this makes me feel a lot of stuff about how they could be without their canon garbage between them

🎶 we could’ve had it aaaaaaaaaaall 🎶

you showed me colors (i can't see them with anyone else) - gild_fire / @gild-and-fire​

really into the use of color to illustrate beth’s emotional state, i feel like there’s a word for that but idk what it is

UNIMPORTANT

really nice job capturing beth’s inner vulnerability balanced by her outer stubbornness

am DESPERATELY into Mick playing matchmaker

more please???????

Both Sides of the Law - JoeyLee / @joeyjoeylee​

LAW SCHOOL AU! I suuuuuuper love Beth and Rio here (alt pov!! a gift!!!!) I love how initially prickly they are, I love how it’s evolving into a grudging respect, I love how INCREDIBLY AND HILARIOUSLY OBSESSED WITH EACH OTHER THEY ARE and neither one of them seems to see it

listen I know we’re all already foaming at the mouth over this one but as it’s gonna go down as one of my all time favorites it bears repeating/rereccing

cannot stress enough how masterful the use of POV is here, both voices feel completely true and distinct and I love how the alternating chapters revisit, reveal and emphasize pieces of each other

i can’t talk about this fic without hyperventilating

I LOVE IT SO MUCH YOU GUYS

the slow burn is going to ACTUALLY KILL ME

rip, no regrats

Earned It - wakeupflawless / @wakeupflawless​

spanking

that’s it that’s the pitch

H O T

living for beth’s exit in the first chapter, rio and i are both incredibly into it

second chapter also features violently possessive Rio who cannot deal with anyone messing with his girl so if that’s your thing boy howdy get on it

shake, baby, shake - openhearts

backread!!!!!

according to my bookmarks this was a reread but ???????

must’ve read it in the fugue state that followed reading for a moment we were strangers which is gr9 and I believe I have recced it before. If not, horrible oversight, reccing it now

beth and Rio POV lead up to the bathroom break, beautifully done, low-key feel bad reccing it bc the end point of both chapters makes me want to throw things but it’s super worth it for the tEnsiOn. ENJOY

What the Sea Wants, the Sea Will Have - flashindie / @pynkhues​

I’m assuming all of y’all are already reading this

If not OH MY GOD FIX YOUR LIVES

P I R A T E  A U

I’m sorry maybe you didn’t hear me piRaTE aU

meticulously researched, brain-meltingly vibrant, already painfully sexy slow-burning PIRATE AU

god where to start okay so first off, the world-building here straight up breaks my brain, sophie’s put in the work and it SHOWS

second, the atmosphere. i’m generally a pretty like, vague mental picture sort of reader but the sensory detail here grabs you by the throat and like, forcibly hauls you in whether your brain’s wired that way or no

and hey speaking of throats if you, like me, go a little funny about the knees at the idea of beth holding a knife to rio’s throat (he’s fine, calm down), there’s a v excellent beth-in-a-barrel moment for you

oh christ and the sexy tension

it’s gonna be a race to see which slow burn takes me out first, this or law school

Stunner - foxmagpie / @foxmagpie​

Another high school AU, this time with baby Rio absolutely head over heels for his older sister’s bff

stunner!Rio has an emotional earnestness about him that I feel like delinquents!Rio has already outgrown and it’s so SWEET I can’t get enough

Desperately cute!!!!!!

alL he waNts iS foR beTh tO bE hiS girL

also unreasonably angsty???????

ANN ARBOR IS NOT THAT FAR MEGAN

A Heart's A Heavy Burden - tooshyforthis / @bathroombreaks​

Howl’s Moving Castle AU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love Howl’s!!!!!!!!!!!

perfect opp to roast Rio for being a Dramatique Heaux 

and it’s gonna be 9 chapters?????? H Y P E

author’s note boldly presumes I did not know I needed this AU when the reality is I did in fact know I needed this AU, I just wasn’t expecting anyone to deliver

so blessed

author also claims to not be team nose stud and yet it features prominently in all its magnificent glory

what is the truth dot gif

A Bit of a Stretch - septiembre / @septiembur​

SO????? CUTE?????????

would be on this list for Rio calling Beth E alone tbh

really really really really really love this Rio POV of being settled into a relationship with Beth

It manages to be sweetly domestic af while still holding the edge that makes brio brio which is a neat trick

@septiembur may be a witch

beth’s approach to getting rio to do yoga with her is hilarious and exactly right, canon-typical amounts of subtlety 

1000000/10

Post Break-Up Sex - femalegothic / @bethsuglywigs​

stg this was called Hit Shuffle

no matter

h O T

with a side of damn i’ve made some questionable choices in my life haven’t i introspection

(no regrats tho)

(esp not with this fic)

not the point of the fic by a long shot but i’m also extremely obsessed with Weed Eddie, so real

She drains my soul... she drains it not - niham87 / @niham87​

ABSOLUTELY OBSESSED WITH THIS CONCEPT

am a complete sucker for paranormal world building that satirizes bureaucracy 

Is that a trope? If so that’s my favorite

I did it. I’m picking a single favorite. You know what that is growth dot gif

ANYWAY i love the concept, i love the humor, i love beth instantly clicking with annie

I love her and mick’s sort of grudging professional courtesy

Love beth as a champion of environmental responsibility and all of the underworld being like …...okay??

cannot wait to see where this goes

Nine-Tenths - riosnecktattoo / @riosnecktattoo​

*INCOHERENT PTERODACTYL SCREECHING*

sometimes i think about rio putting beth’s hair in a ponytail and have to go lie down

science please explain why this rUinS mE

wait hold on i skipped ahead

HEY KIDS DO YOU LIKE UNBEARABLY CUTE DOMESTIC TENDERNESS

opens with rio sleepily holding beth’s hand to his heart so that’s the kind of thing you’ll be dealing with

uGH theY’RE sO CUTe

idk why precisely but rio adding hair ties to his bracelet collection is my undoing every time

Missed Call - foxmagpie / @foxmagpie​

Rio doesn’t come home from a job when he’s supposed to. Beth (and I!!!!!!!) slowly loses her mind

Truly a masterpiece of rising tension

Will literally never forgive her for calling this light angst

I was SO STRESSED OUT

The first person to point out there was an author’s note at the beginning I obvs didn’t read is getting blocked

crush - foxmagpie / @foxmagpie​

Listen even though this is centered around two OCs, they are OCs FROM a (n iconic) brio fic AND Beth, Ruby and Rio all make cameos (I mean, Rio’s pretty present since he lives in Mar’s mind rent free bc they are THE SWEETEST MOST ADORABLE BEST OF FRIENDS so idk if i’d call it a cameo but whatever)

and even if it didn’t feature any official GG characters I’d still rec is bc that’s mY SON AND this fic is TOO CUTE

I have so many feelings over mar and rio growing up and not knowing how to cope with girls becoming a Thing in their life and how it affects their friendship and mar feeling left behind but (SPOILERS) at the end of the story rio starts feeling that too and it’s so poignant knowing how that’s going to continue in delinquents

while mar may be my son, i also claim elena’s #1 stan status

before you’re like meg you’re only reccing it bc it’s a bday present ask yourselves do i really strike you as the kind of person that wouldn’t be equally obnoxious about this either way?

truly cannot fathom how hard i have fallen for these OCs i don’t normally do that

@foxmagpie is definitely a witch

The Ottoman - Niham87 / @niham87​

look i will be the first to admit that i don’t go near as bonkers over the ottoman line in 308 as y’all do

(don’t get me wrong, i love it!!! I love that he laughs and i love that she’s pleased it just doesn’t hit my lose my whole mind button like idk, the dubby or the 306 convo, idk why)

BUT i v v v much love the context this delightful Rio POV pwp gives it

am also absolutely feral for 209 missing scene fic

and anything that captures the complexity of Rio’s s3 feelings for Beth and how twisted they’ve become

so this scratches a bunch of itches, is what i’m trying to say

Bet On It - zetuslapetus / @querenaxx​

*INCOHERENT PTERODACTYL SCREECHING*

That’s what my brain does when I think about Beth and Rio meeting in ch 1

am DESPERATELY OBSESSED WITH the tension between the two of them in this fic

I love how it plays with the ways they have to rely on but don’t trust each other

plus FAKE DATING and BED SHARING (fair warning hasn’t happened yet but the set up is there)

originally supposed to be 2 chapters, already up to 4, prayer circle it goes on forever

do you like drugs (tonight) - s_t_c_s / @sothischickshe​

v important focus on hydration, other fic should take note

extremely about the use of cut to and then flashback to enhance the ‘we were on drugs’ vibe

speaking of, beth and rio absolutely would take ecstasy to prove they are fun bc they are the exact kind of idiots that would peer pressure themselves

so glad beth kept her purse, got a bit stressed there for a second, clutches in that kind of circumstance are A Risk

not that i would know

FLAWLESS USE OF VOICEMAIL TBH

really love the ongoing denial that they are remotely into each other while proceeding to demonstrate how they are in fact, extremely into each other, great vibe

rio dances

I know my brain broke too

mmmm bacon

Navigate A Broken Path - flashindie / @pynkhues​

*INCOHERENT PTERODACTYL SCREECHING*

I have a long standing tradition of getting unreasonably obsessed with side characters so i’m not like, entirely surprised by how obsessed i am with both Mick and Mary Pat but i never in a million years considered them as a ship

AND Y E T

they fit????? so perfectly?????? It’s amazing how she developes them individually enough that i look at them together and think ah yes this makes perfect sense for both characters

and they’re such an amazing foil to Beth and Rio? 

can ships have foils? do i know what a foil is? 

unimportant

GUYS you dON’T uNDERStAN d 

hell i don’t understand

how absolutely very dare you make me care about YET ANOTHER set of gg ‘verse children

do not read this fic if you have no interest in feelings you zero percent asked for

wHA t hAPPeNED iN aLASkA?????????

A Moment’s Silence - femalegothic / @bethsuglywigs​

*makes sign of the cross*

y’all are gonna make me rediscover religion

extremely appreciate the author’s note approach to backstory top notch prioritization

listen it’s basically 3k of beth deep throating rio idk what more you need me to say about it

it is…..good stuff

bless the kinkmeme or fest whatever we’re calling it

praise - civillove / @blainesebastian​

I mean you had me at “three times rio calls beth a good girl and one time he really means it”

ephemeral rio

I left that note for myself in here in the middle of the night and haven’t the foggiest what i was thinking but i stand by it none the less

okay okay i think i know what i meant, this fic (as do all of my fav civillove brio fics) has this sort of like, liminal, in the quiet moments feel to them that makes the moments and feelings somehow feel like i’m catching a glimpse of something secret and precious???

idk i just really like it okay

Heart and Soul - riosnecktattoo / @riosnecktattoo​

oh look more unbearably sweet domestic tenderness, this time to music

thank you ma’am for my life

rio remembers beth used to play piano and gets her one and revoltingly cute shenanigans result

also hilarity

and sexiness

this fic has it all, truly

shout out to mick who sees no reason to keep rio’s feelings to himself

good girls tumblr fic - prettylittlementirosa / @hypermania​​

cheating and reccing a whole series

It’s my list and i can do what i wanna

stop crying about it, it’s four fics and they’re all AMAZING absolutely impossible to pick a fav

truly flawless characterization, next level ability to capture evocative mood, cannot get enough

three’s a crowd: who knew ballroom dancing while dean watches and grinds his teeth could be so sexy 

(trick question everything about that premise sounds A++++ and boy howdy does it live up)

feel it on the way home: rio tries to break up with beth, it goes about as well as you’d expect

(thE angSty tenSioN)

i want to play the game: [from the floor] i’m still not ready to talk about it

(rio/turner, missing scene, 10000000% a taste of what went down in that hotel room)

june after dark: pitch perfect annie pov, really really love the take that Annie is the baby whisperer, can’t fully explain why but it feels incredibly right

(ANNIE X NANCY COULD WORK SO WELL YOU GUYS)

[allthecolorsofourlove]

on tone, ink, blood and bluntness: a writer’s guide to learning to love again

you misread! or i do? either way, i chastise you. i want this. i just am trying to learn how to want this again. i am learning how to let you bite me and to bite you back and to let it be something worth blood. i say, often, to be seen is mortifying. the mortifying ordeal of being known. but i’m letting myself trust you this time. reaching my wrist out, letting you sink fangs into the tender flesh around my veins. i want this. i want you. i am trying to relearn to wash the fear from a wound like that.

your wounds don’t worry me either. you’re right!; according to a morality older than either of us, they probably should and mine should scare you too. this is something akin to the salem witch trials: you’re committing treason, i’m committing dark magic. but you’re also right: this is good. it feels so fucking good. i explained this to a new friend at a post-rehearsal gossip session—she responded with; “if you were thirty? i would tell you to grow up. but it’s fun, you’re having fun, and you’re eighteen. who is gonna deny you that?” she’s right. it’s fun. it’s good. i’m being loved and i’m loving and like always, like always you are right too: this could be something else. (transparency. you always manage to see right through me, don’t you?) we’ll just have to let it grow. water those sprouts for me, would you?

while you reach for the watering can, another reminder: you’re not forcing me, you’re the reason i wake up and grab my phone first thing and you’re the notification i look for when the anxiety seizes my throat. i’ve felt like shit the past two days, on and off like waves on white sand. you are the seafoam that softens the blow. you are not forcing me. i am just learning how to swim again. you are being so gentle. you’re a kindness i had almost forgotten. patience i don’t… remember. i am removing that other word from the dictionary—i promise.

oh! by the way, here’s ink for your blood: you’ve loved and lost and burned and bled many times. one almost dragged you under, one didn’t drag you far enough (he is trying to do something about that.), one only lit you on fire and the other couldn’t drag you at all. a new one did all four (and something new), in the loveliest of ways and in the most violent. you flushed red and leaked the same color and you grew up holding hands with someone very kind but very sad; someone who needed bandages every friday. the mortifying ordeal of being known can patch old wounds and open new ones. you’re remembering that. you remembered that. and you decided it was best if you turned out the lights and doused the fire and tended to your own burns for once, saved bandages for your own skin. now you’re a little scared to be alone and you’re seeking comfort and you’re seeking old, and you know i watch you like a sentry or an old forest god. and you know i’m always here. so i’m here. and i’ll take care of you. and you’ll take care of me.

correct me if i’m wrong. i could be. but i know you, and her, and i’ve reached out for both of you once. i know how this goes. apologies if i am assuming.

in light of all this?: you never have to apologize for simplicity. when you are feeling most tired i will kiss your forehead and haunt our kitchen for something warm for your hands before i take my place as something warm for your lap. healing isn’t linear. i’m remembering that. i’m sure you are too. we are just stitching each other’s wounds and wondering whether being this close, borderline mouth-to-mouth, will do anything to our brain chemistry. who knows. i just like this moment, the one i am writing where i get to see you again (two idiot queers! caught on tape!) and i’m repressing the sun that’s threatening to spill out of my mouth and i am flushed and bleeding and burning and in front of you. i get to be in front of you. i get to look at your eyes for real. i am trying to not think about the future or what ifs and instead relish in a void and something that is being written with our own hands as we speak, be it at 1am or 3pm or in that liminal timeless space where we just sit, and we do this. forever. i love to write for you—i love to write to you. do you not see it? christ almighty, i’m writing like a fucking machine. i have never had so much ink. i’m poeticizing all of this. i’m poeticizing you. i’m obsessed. it’s fun. i’m waiting for you to respond like a housewife waiting for a soldier to come back from war. and your face is so warm. and your words are twice as cozy. and i am just letting myself be safe and be happy for once without thinking about all the shit that is blowing around outside our door.

wrote somewhere else and compared this to a tornado bunker. i’m taking you down to our tornado bunker. i don’t know how this will end up but you’re so fucking safe to me in this moment. you’re almost 900 miles away and yet your hands are all over my ribs and my hair and you have me thinking about you half the day, waiting to hear back. you have to understand, that i am learning to brush away whatever the possibilities are or the fears for something that hasn’t yet come or the knowledge that we are both doing this to fill something that died in us. i am just living in it. i’m finally just living in it and in you. and fuck, i am happy. i’m so happy. i’m not scared anymore. i know our rules and i’m taking it day by day. don’t you get it? i want this. i’m letting myself just want something (someone) for a change. is that a crime? jail me if it is. you look so good when you smile.

anyways, don’t worry about deadpan. don’t worry about bleeding. i feel like shit some days. you do too. we’re both running from something. but our fingers are laced. isn’t that nice? isn’t that the point?

like i said: i’m obsessed. is that a goddamn crime? whether you’re just filling a void or becoming something more, it doesn’t matter to me. i don’t know if that’s the answer you want to hear. i’m sorry. like previously stated: i am just trying to take this one day at a time.

but jesus, i am happy. you look so good when you smile. i’m living right now (and maybe in march, in my fantasies.) and i am fucking loving it. anyone could ask me how i am: i am so happy.

on that note, sleep well, sleep gently, sleep hungry. in my head we are trying to fit in my lofted twin bed and we are giggling as my roommates try to drown us out. you’ll say, “wow, your bathroom is disgusting.” and i’ll make a knowing face and whisper to you that i’m the only one who cleans it. we’ll try to climb into the bed again for sleep but won’t fit with my stuffed animals or weighted blanket or barely functional guard rail. i’ll walk you around campus. we’ll both smoke from a borrowed pen. when our hands no longer have feeling we’ll take to a lounge, be the menaces that practically fuck on a public couch, i’ll fall asleep in your arms and know that my RA doesn’t give a shit. i’m being young. i’m being an idiot. you make me into an idiot, man. look, i’ve grown up a little, and i’m better about honesty. i’ll tell you if i need this to stop but i’ll also tell you how i feel every step of the way. yesterday i needed reassurance and now you’re sounding like you need it too (or, i am just feeling docile. feeling like i want to give it.) that’s my reassurance—putting it bluntly (deadpan, even): i fucking wish you were here.

[honmakurara]

What Kyuso is, and what it isn’t

A few thoughts about Kyuso wa cheese no yume o miru upcoming movie release

Warning 1: spoilers ahead!

Warning 2: I wrote this post quite long ago but the movie was delayed due to the spread of the pandemic, and so I chose to postpone my thoughts as well. So if you find that some thoughts might sound a bit "old", that is the reason why.

**

I can remember there was at first a lot of criticization towards Ohkura's upcoming Otomo role in the Kyuuso wa Cheese no yume o miru movie, which honestly I cannot fully understand.

While I can understand not everyone might be comfortable "enjoying" a story starting out of repeatedly cheats towards women and a blackmail, it sure does not just sit back on this alone (quite the contrary), and I think that both character and story-wise it can be an amazing opportunity for Ohkura's career.

Same for the Boys' Love theme: live action adaptations of BL stories have so far generally lacked too much and definitely failed to adequately portray the BL theme itself, due to poor budget, poor staff, poor attention and poor everything. A brilliant exception is the Double Mints movie: a very dark, violent and angsty story (beware if you're not incline to these themes) and yet a very touching and heart-wrenching movie, where the BL relationship is as much sad as realistic.

Back to the Kyuso movie.

Ohkura's Otomo character in the Kyuso no cheese BL movie isn't just a "bisex" one, and isn't just a "gay" one either. The original manga is actually no real BL because it was not published in a Boys' Love magazine, it had been written in a josei magazine whose target is the adult female audience. That is to say the story does not aim to be a queer manifesto, even though I think it deals amazingly great with such themes. What's (I reckon) great about Mizushiro sensei's story isn't the yaoi theme itself (alone), but rather the excellent way she portrays the human weaknesses and dark sides of her characters (male and female ones), which is not to say I "cheer" for the characters, because I don't, but introspection-development-wise, the story is gorgeous.

Even after the re-prints of the volumes, which have partially edited illustration (not a big thing, only the genital depiction has been censored), the illustrations, dialogues and themes keep being the original ones.

As I said above, the several twists this story carries are also why I reckon this role might be a huge and challenging opportunity for Ohkura's career as an actor, together with his "controversial" Kumon Onna and recent Montecristo ones, and why I won't go easy with 'judging' the movie as proper adaptation of the manga, should it turn out to be disappointing on screen.   - Spoilers ahead, you're warned -

While living is life as a "regular het" guy, Otomo is married and repeatedly cheats on his wife. Should he be praised for leading this life? I guess no, definitely not. So, we start out from a mean man doing despicable actions who suddenly gets "blackmailed" for his bad behaviour by a homosexual kohai of his.

Is Imagase the only bad guy here, for daring such blackmail? I guess not.

And yet, despite (or thanks to) these premises, the story evolves into something very, very different.

It takes a gay kohai of his to make Otomo realize that his marriage is just an empty shell, that he basically married out of any deep feelings for his wife and was 'happy' with just 'life going on'. It's the meeting with Imagase that forces him to think deeply about his life, to realize he's never cared for other people's feelings to start with. In short, Otomo is a womanizer, a selfish and rather empty guy. The sexual relationship with Imagase reveals him also as being jealous and passive, masochistic and dominant at the same time, very much incline to temptation, whatever its shape or time. He's not to be praised, not a little bit. He's not to be looked down at, at the same time. Because he's human, because that is how life takes his toll on everyone of us (nothing is black or white, rather being endless shades of gray), and because it's only when Otomo realizes who he is and what he wants -thanks to Imagase- that he finally manages to be more "himself". "I'll turn 30 soon. I might still have to know what true love is." -Kyoichi Otomo-

These 'simple' words are one of the keys of the whole story to me: I was aghast when I read it in the manga, I still remember them 10 years later, and I was so relieved to  notice it was kept in the trailer, at least. Which is to say I'm not the only one thinking they're valuable.

 Otomo has met and has been with a lot of women, but none of them is able to rip a hole inside his soul. And then, yes, it's Imagase who "makes the miracle", he's the only one who intercepts the black hole and bluntly tells him so. Because sometimes this can happen through the most unexpected of encounters. It's Imagase who makes Otomo finally realize how important it is to pursue a relationship where both parts openly discuss, argue and talk constantly about each other... in bed or not. It's Imagase, a cheeky, blunt, capricious, selfish, impetuous, fickle and mean guy. It's not a woman, nor a good boy. But it's him who is there for Otomo when the latter needs it (and even when he does not). This is what makes this story not just good but special, to me: a cynical analysis about love relationships and human growth/twists, but at the same time a very humble and realistic one.

 Personally speaking, I don't "like" Otomo nor Imagase nor their petty behaviours, and yet I cannot wait to see how Ohkura and Narita will portray them in every little bit of these flawed characters, because I have been hooked to the story as a whole since the very beginning (ten years ago) and I still am this bewitched, and probably forever will be (yes I know, Ohkura: there is no thing like forever anymore. But bear with my feels, please). I would lie if I were to say I don't care about the sex scenes because, hey, it's a very sexy story after all, but that is not where the real point is, to me. The point is that thanks to this movie adaptation, Ohkura has been given a great (maybe not the greatest itself, but greatest so far) opportunity and I'm cheering on him eternally for this.

I had honestly never thought that one day this story could actually become a movie, and even if I did, last thing I would imagine would be that Ohkura could be starring in it.

But it happened. Not to mention Ohkura himself seems to have become fairly fond of this story... thinking deeply about his character, the staff involved, the story and its themes, just like he did during Dr. DMAT, Hanachan no Mizoshiru and Montecristo filming time. Should the movie even fail to hit my (absurdly high) expectations, I won't love the manga less. So far, the theatrical trailer looks a bit different from the sophisticated 'air' I thought it would have, but still quite nice: way more tender and cute than I thought, but with a palpable longing atmosphere which I find very much on point. We'll see. Cannot wait. In the meantime, ganbatte Ohkura, I'm proud <3  

** Post Scriptum: Besides, I find it very nice that Kyuso movie will be distributed by Phantom Films, which so far handled a lot of quite interesting movies. Among these I definitely recommend: - Call Boy (with Tori Matsuzaka), story of a host/gigolò in Tokyo. Photography is amazing in this movie and so are all the actors. - Hoshigaoka Wonderland (Suda Masaki has a very small part in it, but he's amazing);

- HIS: latest release, story of a gay couple that split up during University and meets again several years later... when one of the guys has become father of a young girl. The movie is a sequel of a coming of age drama aired in 2019 in Japan. 

- (not by Phantom Films but anyway) Double Mints: the BEST "yaoi" movie I have ever seen, so fa. A dark story filled with angst, violence, abuse and still, the touching story of a bond&love that cannot be torn off. Definitely not an easy movie, but definitely recommended if you're interested watching how a movie should be done and how "gay feels" are definitely not in the way nor "like a shojo manga".

[i-watch-too-many-movies]

Favorite First Viewings of August 2020

The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T (1953) (dir. Roy Rowland)

A bright, bold, surreal musical about a boy who wakes to find himself trapped in a bizarre dystopia where he and a bunch of other kids are forced to play the piano for a dictator. The set design is creative, the characters are weird, and Dr. Seuss’ script is delightful, showcasing humanity’s fear of tyranny post-World War II all while being as playful and childlike as it could be. 

All About Eve (1950) (dir. Joseph L. Mankiewickz)

“Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night.” Bette Davis is a pure movie star, and she owns it in All About Eve as Margo Channing, a Broadway actress trapped in a sexist industry that decides it’s done with its leading ladies when they turn 40, and forces them to compete with younger stars, like Eve Harrington. A hilarious, catty, and yet dark look at the entertainment world. 

Born in Flames (1983) (dir. Lizzie Borden)

An Afrofuturist film, a look at a future that shows that a revolution did happen, but morphed into neoliberalism. It successfully showcases the rage that Black queer women had felt, how they were ignored, and how they plan to revolt again for true equality. I love how the documentary-style filmmaking intersects news footage telling people how great everything is with the injustices of America, particularly that through bosses and police officers.

Elephant (2003) (dir. Gus van Sant)

A cold, minimalist film, one that’s about a school shooting in Portland, Oregon, based off of the tragic Columbine massacre. The violence and the shootings are not romanticized by any stretch of the imagination, as the kids are shown as the uncool, Nazi sympathizing dumbasses with guns that they are. I like to believe that the tracking shots on the kids who are eating lunch, walking from place to place, and developing photographs are Van Sant and cinematographer Harris Savdies’ tribute to the kids who lost their lives. 

Losing Ground (1982) (dir. Kathleen Collins)

Kathleen Collins’ semi-autobiographical film, one that shows the struggles that people can go through anytime they date self-important male artists. How they are not treated with respect and are seen as getting in the way of the man’s art, and when they manage to get away from that toxic environment, they become happier. The costume design and color palettes are to die for. 

Millennium Actress (2001) (dir. Satoshi Kon)

Another film to add to my favorite genre, “Falling in love in a short amount of time.” Gorgeously animated, and full of ache and longing. It perfectly showcases that quest to feel that same brief moment of bliss and love that you felt as a young person. The work you put into your art stems from the desire to be loved again, as well as from the heartbreak you experienced. Much like Kon’s previous film Perfect Blue, the lines between reality and fantasy are blurred, but the emotion that is felt is the viewer’s guide to understanding where Chiyoko is in her life.

Night Moves (2013) (dir. Kelly Reichardt) 

What starts as a thriller about three environmentalists and their plan to blow up a dam turns into a crushing study about the nature of guilt and how it affects the human body and mind. One of Jesse Eisenberg’s best performances, as he perfectly plays a character who tries to remain calm and collected yet constantly lets his own negative emotions and dark impulses get the best of him, and Reichardt’s direction and Christopher Brauvelt’s cinematography showcases a lonely, cold world for the characters of Josh and Dena. 

Rafiki (2018) (dir. Wanuri Kahu)

A sweet, lovely Kenyan romance between two women, and much like Gus van Sant’s My Own Private Idaho, it deals with the choice of being able to truly express yourself and conforming in a town that hates you but you must conform to in order to survive comfortably. The colors and lighting pop, and the last conversation between Kena and Ziwi is just beyond heartbreaking.

Safety Last! (1923) (dir. Sam Taylor & Fred C. Newmeyer)

An iconic silent comedy, with Harold Lloyd’s innocent charm and cute glasses and hat making him one of the greatest figures of classic Hollywood. Best remembered for its climb up the clock tower, which is still one of the most thrilling moments in film history.

Sherlock Jr. (1924) (dir. Buster Keaton)

Another silent classic, with Buster Keaton arguably being the greatest stuntman of all time. Silent films are some of the greatest uses of the visual medium, as Keaton’s timing as a comic actor is pitch-perfect, and his direction allows him to perfectly sync up his stunts to the score. I love how heroic he tries to be in this one, imagining himself as the world’s greatest detective so he can finally impress the woman he loves and clear his name. 

Shirley (2020) (dir. Josephine Decker)

One of my favorite films of the year so far. A surreal, swampy, sweaty look into the life of Shirley Jackson as seen through two friends of hers that move into her house. I love the way it explores mental illness and isolation. Even though Jackson was a writer worth taking seriously, her husband’s need to control her and her colleagues’ way of shutting her out because her depression is too much for them to handle is heartbreaking. Shirley and her roommate Rose’s relationship is complex and showcases a mutual bond born out of their frustration with their spouses. 

Sun Don’t Shine (2012) (dir. Amy Seimetz)

There are no logos or opening titles in Sun Don’t Shine, the film puts you immediately in the violent and worst parts of Crystal and Leo's relationship. Seimetz's direction and use of close-ups on Crystal and Leo's face show an abusive relationship you can't look away from. And yet, those same close-ups show an intimacy that is there, showing how Crystal can fall for Leo's abuse, as his face is full of faux innocence and false love. Now that we know what a garbage human being ex-partner Shane Carruth turned out to be, this movie only becomes scarier as a result. A strong feature debut from director Amy Seimetz, I'm even more excited for She Dies Tomorrow. 

Synecdoche, New York (2008) (dir. Charlie Kaufman)

A film about a crushing loneliness that follows theater director Caden Cotard. He can’t maintain a loving relationship with his wife, his daughter, or even close friends because all he can think about how he can use these moments shared with them in his art. If we ever met Caden, we could see him as an asshole, but Philip Seymour Hoffman brings such tenderness and vulnerability to this character, making it one of his greatest performances. A surreal, saddening film, with a final shot and line that will be burned into my brain forever,

Totally Fucked Up (1993) (dir. Gregg Araki)

Gregg Araki’s follow-up to The Living End shows a group of disillusioned gay teenagers, their loneliness and sadness. A beautiful lo-fi aesthetic and a script that perfectly captures the real-life angst these Gen X queer teens had went through, as well as the violence and hatred that was inflicted upon them. One of the saddest endings I can remember.