#that... that does upset me in ways i find hard to articulate | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lithopus · 1 month ago

Note

Hi! I’m the anon who asked about ur thought process, sorry for making it such a broad question. I just wanted to know how you figure out how to write dialogue. Uhm if it’s too broad of a question it’s okay! I just personally have a hard time figuring out how to make some characters feel like they’re having a real conversation. The way you write characters talking flows so smoothly and I just can’t get it to feel right. ((I especially like the snarky quips kaveh and alhaitham share, it’s very old married couple like)) This might be more of a personal thing and since everyone thinks/writes differently I understand if it’s something you can’t really explain to me!

Also! When you write do you usually start with an outline and fill in the rest? Sometimes I just write what I feel like and I get stumped after a while. But thank you for taking the time to help me! Sorry if this just made everything more confusing.

No worries, and no need to apologize! Like I said, a lot of writers probably could’ve easily answered your initial question, but my brain sometimes struggles to articulate a response for things like that. And thank you for sending this follow-up—I understand now!

For both of your questions, I’ll separate my answers into two sections: 1) describing how I personally do those things, and 2) providing actual suggestions/recommendations for doing those things. That’s because I wouldn’t necessarily recommend my personal approach to writing, lol—my very loose “process” can be rather haphazard due to how my brain works, so I’m mostly just sharing examples of my notes in case anyone’s curious about what my drafts look like.

(Also, I think I’ll make a SFW version of this post at some point. Although there’s nothing too sexually explicit here, I do reference several examples from NSFW fics I’ve written, since this post is aimed at the asker and my followers—but because my writing suggestions themselves aren’t explicit in nature, I’d prefer to eventually make this advice accessible to all writers.)

Table of Contents

A. Dialogue 1. How I Plan Dialogue 2. My Actual Suggestions for Planning Dialogue 💡 Know the “arc” or “goal” of the conversation 💡 Listen to actual conversations (and transcribe them) 💡 Writing banter B. Outlining 1. How I Outline 2. My Actual Suggestions for Outlining 💡 Know the goal (or the “point”) of the scene you’re writing 💡 Identify the characters’ goals 💡 Identify the “key elements” of the scene or chapter 💡 Consider rewinding or backtracking a bit 💡 Take a short break from that project

A — DIALOGUE

1: How I Plan Dialogue

So, my answer to your first question actually overlaps with my answer to your second question. I don’t take a strict approach, but I do often outline the main “beats” in a conversation before I actually write a scene. Sometimes that looks like a bulleted list or summary—although, I couldn’t find a good example of that in my files, so I created this example based on some (very lengthy) notes for Chapter 6 of my fic “testing, testing”:

Kaveh is complimenting Alhaitham more in this chapter. For example, maybe he says he prefers coffee made by Alhaitham over the coffee made at Puspa Café.

Alhaitham doesn’t realize Kaveh is complimenting him, and responds in a way that unintentionally undermines Kaveh’s compliment.

Instead of getting upset, Kaveh clarifies what he was trying to say, and the two of them continue talking.

At one point Kaveh asks a genuine question and Alhaitham nearly responds indirectly/sarcastically like he usually does, but lately he’s noticed that things go more smoothly if he directly answers Kaveh’s questions, so he gives Kaveh a straightforward response

Kaveh is flustered by the honest response, and the two flirt a bit before the scene ends

Other times, it’s more of a “play-by-play” description. The notes I used to create the above example actually look more like this mess from my notes for the first scene in Chapter 5:

And Alhaitham kinda eyebrow raises like hm. Okay. You need to get in the mood, you mean? (Saunters over to him, backs him against the wall. Kaveh instantly turned on and starts/tempted to crumble.) Touching him and murmurs you know, it’s not [a den of sin there. People conduct themselves properly/it would be inappropriate to mess around there. Better get it out of your system now if it’s going to distract you etc. Etc.] And Kaveh’s like that’s not what I meant! Alhaitham smirks. Kaveh adds and you KNOW it, you know what I meant, this is just an excuse for you because you’re insatiably horny [maybe: says the man who nakedly accosted me on the couch and demanded that we suck each other off at 10 in the morning—] Kaveh’s face BURNS. I—I—I—that was—because— (He’d been confident enough for 10 seconds to request it & wanted to do it before he lost his nerve.) Alhaitham maybe softens ever so slightly and points out that if he’s confident enough to finally ask, maybe he should just maintain that confidence and go while he’s still in the mood. Kaveh sighs. Like, yeah. (Shit maybe he should have asked in the morning when the place wouldn’t be open.) Alhaitham maybe also reminds him that it’s not like they have to use whatever they buy as soon as they get back. Heh. Unless he wants to.

And other times the dialogue does play out naturally in my head, so I jot down a much “cleaner” play-by-play, like this dialogue from Chapter 2 of “hard-edged, hard-earned”:

Comes back. Asks to sit on couch. No. Can I sit on the floor? No. That would hurt your back. Can I sit on any piece of furniture in this room?! No.

I will say, whenever I end up with “clean” notes like that, it’s often because I spoke all the dialogue out loud (or mouthed it)—as in, I’ll literally be having conversations with myself as the characters. Sometimes I’m talking to myself in front of a mirror, and other times just turning my head back and forth as I jump between characters 😅 It’s not a technique I adopted intentionally, but my brain doesn’t really have much “internal” dialogue/narration in general, and that trait extends to creative stuff. I pretty much have to talk through everything out loud, or physically type out my stream-of-consciousness brainstorming.

So: I plan some of the dialogue ahead of time, and I also plan dialogue throughout the writing process. That is, I might start writing a chapter with a certain conversation already outlined (like the “clean” play-by-play I shared), but other parts of the chapter will be more like a brief summary—e.g., “Kaveh compliments Alhaitham during this scene, and Alhaitham responds positively.” Once I reach that part of the outline during the actual writing stage, I’ll usually pause to hammer out more specific conversation beats.

Not necessarily because that’s the best way to do things, but because my brain moves too fast for my fingers when I’m trying to write a scene. An unpolished “stream” of the scene allows me to follow the flow of the whole conversation as it happens. (Otherwise I’d forget where the dialogue was going once I was halfway through writing the scene 💀)

There are times where I don’t have to do the play-by-play, and can just figure out the dialogue as I write the actual scene…it just depends on the scene and how my brain is working that day, I guess.

**BONUS: For anyone who’s curious, please check the end of this post for a horrifying look at how my play-by-play brainstorming often looks 😂

2: My Actual Suggestions for Planning Dialogue

I’m not saying that these are things you must do, for the record—these are just some ideas you could try, if you think any of them sound useful.

💡 Know the “arc” or “goal” of the conversation

In other words: “Where will this conversation start, and where does it need to end?”

Traditionally—from a “story structure” perspective, or whatever—in every scene, the characters have a goal they’re trying to accomplish. (I say “traditionally” because of course there are some stories that don’t fit this rule—e.g., a story consisting of several vignettes where the character is reminiscing about things.)

This general rule is also true of the conversations in a scene. Even if the characters don’t consciously register it, they each want to accomplish something during their conversations with other characters. For instance, one character might be trying to convince another character to pursue a particular course of action, or they might feel upset and be seeking out a lighthearted conversation to lift their spirits. (Phrased differently: Characters generally want to get something out of talking to each other—but, to clarify, that “something” can be as simple as the characters wanting to enjoy each other’s company.)

I’ll use Chapter 5 of “testing, testing” as an example. In the first scene, Kaveh’s goal when talking to Alhaitham is to ask him about shopping for sex toys. Kaveh is communicating with the goal of making that request, so his dialogue is going to (in theory) move him toward that goal—although of course he might get distracted, or other goals might arise during the conversation, but that’s the starting point, at least.

Alhaitham—who knows that Kaveh was looking for him, but doesn’t initially know why—has a primary goal during the conversation, along with a secondary goal. Alhaitham’s main goal is to find out what Kaveh wanted to ask him, and here are some possible ways he might communicate in order to achieve this goal:

Calm Kaveh’s anxieties so that he feels comfortable enough to make his request

Avoid upsetting Kaveh, since that might cause him to storm off without telling Alhaitham what was on his mind

Remind Kaveh to stay on-topic if his mind starts wandering to something unrelated

But Alhaitham’s secondary goal is to flirt with Kaveh, of course, which guides his initial interactions with Kaveh during the beginning of that scene, and periodically resurfaces throughout the conversation.

Kaveh’s (temporary) goals during the conversation shift in reaction to what Alhaitham is doing. For example, if Alhaitham’s teasing starts to make him feel too flustered or awkward, Kaveh’s temporary goal will be to stop feeling flustered and awkward, which means that he’ll communicate with the goal of getting Alhaitham to stop his teasing. And if Alhaitham stops teasing but seems upset about it, Kaveh’s temporary goal will then be to figure out what’s wrong and find a way to reassure Alhaitham.

Put more concisely:

The “flow” of the conversation comes from the goals that the characters are trying to accomplish at any given point in their discussion

The characters communicate either to 1) respond/react to something another character has done, or 2) address their most “immediate” goal

The characters develop new “goals” in response to what the other speakers say, or how the conversation makes them feel—but they (typically) still maintain their primary goal, as well

I’m not sure whether that makes sense, but hopefully if you look at the first scene in Chapter 5 with this framework in mind, you can “see” how Kaveh’s and Alhaitham’s shifting goals determine the flow of the conversation.

And, at the risk of making my explanation even more confusing, here’s a break-down of the beginning of that scene:

Kaveh’s main goal is to ask Alhaitham to go shopping; Alhaitham’s main goal is to figure out what Kaveh wants, and his secondary goal is to get in Kaveh’s pants.

Kaveh seeks out Alhaitham in order to ask his question, but Alhaitham startles him.

Kaveh reacts to the surprise he’s feeling. His temporary goal is now to compose himself.

However, flustering Kaveh helps Alhaitham achieve his goal of fooling around with him, so Alhaitham starts flirting to prevent Kaveh from regaining his composure.

Kaveh realizes that Alhaitham is proposing sex—but having sex right now would prevent Kaveh from asking his question and accomplishing his goal, so he tells Alhaitham not to undress, with the goal of refocusing the conversation on his request.

With sex off the table, Alhaitham reverts to his main goal and asks Kaveh what his question was.

Kaveh still feels flustered, though, so now his (temporary) goal is to make sure that Alhaitham isn’t going to mock him and make him feel insecure; otherwise he won’t be able to accomplish his main goal of asking Alhaitham to go shopping, since he’ll feel too anxious to make the request. So, he tells Alhaitham not to laugh at him for his question.

Alhaitham’s main goal is to encourage communication, so he responds in a deadpan manner instead of teasing Kaveh more.

Basically, characters aren’t just talking for no reason—there’s a specific “direction” that they’re speaking in, though of course this direction can shift and change as the conversation progresses. If you listen to conversations in real life—on a phone call, or a podcast, or whatever—you’ll hopefully see a similar sort of “flow” in those discussions. People don’t speak merely for the sake of producing frequencies; anything they say, they’re saying for a reason (that is, a goal), and those “reasons” are naturally generated by the progression of the conversation.

Or, looking at it differently…I’m not sure if this is helpful, but when you’re trying to figure out the flow/direction of a conversation, maybe you could approach it as if you’re selecting dialogue options in a visual novel or RPG game. As in, whenever it’s Character A’s turn to speak, a few different options “pop up” depending on that character’s personality and current goals—and then different options are unlocked throughout the conversation depending on the choices made by Character A and the other character(s).

For instance, at the beginning of Chapter 5, Alhaitham’s speaking options would be:

◆ Question Kaveh ◆ Flirt with Kaveh

The conversation continues—but then Kaveh gets upset, so Alhaitham’s default options become unavailable, and these new options appear:

◆ Question Kaveh ◆ Flirt with Kaveh ◆ Comfort Kaveh ◆ Clarify misunderstanding ◆ Rile up Kaveh

Meanwhile, Kaveh’s “Ask Alhaitham to go shopping” option might become inaccessible whenever it’s overridden by other goals/concerns. For example, maybe when Kaveh is upset because Alhaitham teased him, his menu looks like this:

◆ Ask Alhaitham to go shopping ◆ Defend self against insult ◆ Warn Alhaitham to stop teasing ◆ Criticize Alhaitham

When a character’s emotional state changes, that might “unlock” certain dialogue options—e.g., maybe Alhaitham normally wouldn’t have the option to snap at Kaveh, unless Kaveh said something that really upset him, and then Alhaitham would be able to “access” a harsher dialogue option.

Or certain dialogue options might be connected to specific goals, meaning that a character needs to be actively pursuing that goal in order to “use” those dialogue options. For example, if Kaveh doesn’t feel comfortable enough to ask Alhaitham to go shopping, then he can’t access any dialogue choices that are connected to that goal; instead, his options will be limited to whatever his current concern is.

Of course, there’s a lot of room for interpretation with something like this. Going back to one of my examples in this section: I said that if Kaveh gets upset, then Alhaitham no longer has an option to flirt—but depending on the characterization/story, that might not necessarily be the case. For instance, if Alhaitham doesn’t realize that Kaveh is upset or mistakenly thinks that flirting will fix Kaveh’s bad mood, then that “dialogue option” might still be available to him, even though it’s probably not a good idea for him to choose it.

And if I wanted to write a scene where Alhaitham and Kaveh get into a fight, then I certainly might allow Alhaitham to pick that (inadvisable) dialogue option—which is basically what happens during one of the scenes in Chapter 4, where Alhaitham misreads the situation and Kaveh turns down his advances. But if that sort of dialogue choice would send the scene in the wrong direction or completely divert the characters from their conversational goals, it’s probably not the most effective option, writing-wise.

That’s why I like “prewriting” a play-by-play of conversations before I properly write a scene, because that allows me to figure out if certain dialogue choices will make the scene stray too far from its purpose. If I’m outlining the beats of a conversation and the characters start to get a bit distracted—for example, maybe they’ve started flirting instead of focusing on the main point of their discussion—then I can look at that and say, “Okay. Sometime in the next few lines, we need to find a good place for the characters to pivot back toward their main goal during this conversation.”

(And that won’t feel forced, because the characters themselves also want to return to the primary goal of their conversation; it’s perfectly natural for them to conclude their off-topic discussion and then refocus on the main point.)

Or, if the characters have strayed too far from the main topic of their conversation—as in, there’s no “natural” way for the discussion to transition back to where it needs to be—then I’m able to see during the prewriting stage that the dialogue needs to be reworked. I’ll either need to delete the section of dialogue that wandered away from the main point of the conversation, or I’ll need to find a different place in the conversation where I can insert that dialogue and maintain the flow of the discussion.

If you ever get stuck while writing a conversation between characters, that’s possibly happening because the characters have forgotten or abandoned their conversational “goal” and can no longer find their way back to it. Or, similarly, it could be because the mood/emotions of the conversation have evolved too drastically, to the point that any “dialogue options” advancing a character’s primary goals have become inaccessible or unavailable. By retracing your steps back to when things got off-track and picking new dialogue options that move the characters toward their main goal(s), you should be able to get the scene flowing again.

And, ah, if everything I just said makes zero sense, that’s fine. I’ve never approached dialogue-writing that way, so I don’t actually know if something like that could help—it’s just an idea that occurred to me while I was answering this question.

One final note: Knowing the characters’ goals can sometimes help me figure out when a scene should end, too. Once the characters achieve their goal during that scene—or hit a setback and are no longer able to achieve their goal for the time being—that’s potentially a sign that I should move on to the next scene. (Not necessarily a scene break—it could just be that the conversation ends, and then it’s time for the POV character’s internal reaction/reflection to begin.)

💡 Listen to actual conversations (and transcribe them)

I admit, I haven’t really done this, myself—dialogue has always been the easiest part of writing for me, and I’ve been practicing writing for…ah, a while. (Fifteen years, at least. I mean, I wrote little poems and short stories starting from a very young age, as many writers do, but in terms of intentionally studying and practicing long-form writing, it’s been about fifteen years.) So, I can’t recall a distinct “process” in terms of how I learned to write dialogue; all I know is that I’ve gotten better at it by practicing for so many years.

That said, I do remember that “try transcribing actual conversations” was one of the suggestions I encountered back when I first began seeking out writing advice.

Of course, fictional dialogue is different from real-life conversations in some ways, so those transcriptions aren’t necessarily going to work exactly the same way as a fictional conversation, but this is still a potentially useful tool for learning to “feel” the flow of how people speak to each other, in addition to helping a writer make the characters’ voices sound more natural. Real-life conversations typically don’t have the “stilted” feeling that unnatural fictional dialogue has—although of course there are exceptions—so studying human speech patterns might help you identify ways to make your dialogue flow more smoothly.

**As a side note: When I’m writing characters that aren’t mine—as in, writing fanfiction—I’ll often study their voice lines and takes notes on the ways they speak (e.g., tone, vocabulary, sentence structure) and the specific phrases they use.

For fanfiction, you can also analyze conversations between characters in the source material in order to get a feel for how their particular discussions flow. Like this moment from Alhaitham’s story quest:

Kaveh: Oh, so the pot’s calling the kettle black, is he? Hmph, well, having said all that, are you okay? Alhaitham: I’m doing quite well — much better than that painting you’re trying to hang on the wall. Kaveh: You…! You don’t understand anything! Stop criticizing my taste in decoration!

Reading that, we know that one potential “template” for an exchange between Kaveh and Alhaitham is: Kaveh snarks at Alhaitham, then softens and seriously asks if he’s alright; Alhaitham responds, but then immediately goes back to trying to rile Kaveh up again; Kaveh takes the bait and gets worked up, having now entirely forgotten his previous line of inquiry.

💡 Writing banter (???)

As for writing the “married couple” banter…I don’t have any advice for that, unfortunately. I’m a quippy person in general, so my brain generates wordplay and snappy/sarcastic comebacks easily. I assume there must be some method(s) that writers use to figure out those types of conversations more deliberately, but I don’t personally know how to manually do that sort of thing.

I guess my suggestion would be the same as my advice for other things: try analyzing any banter you enjoy, and identify what elements make that banter “work”. I’ve never really tried to do that sort of analysis, but I’ll attempt to provide some examples:

During Alhaitham’s story quest, Kaveh says “Alhaitham could have stayed home where it’s safe”, and then his brain immediately jumps to the thought that if Alhaitham stayed home, he could have cleaned up his books while he was there → Kaveh tends to snark at Alhaitham about the state of their shared living space and nag him about minor annoyances, so he looks for opportunities to bring up these things during their conversations. If there’s some vague word/concept that could connect a piece of dialogue to Kaveh’s latest grievance, then he might use that as a jumping-off point for a jab about Alhaitham needing to do chores.

Kaveh asks Alhaitham to help him with hanging a painting at the very beginning of the scene, and then way later on in the conversation, Alhaitham suddenly makes a dig at Kaveh’s attempts to hang that painting → Alhaitham likes to circle back to things that were mentioned earlier in the conversation in order to catch Kaveh off-guard and rile him up.

The two of them seem to have some preferred “topics” of bickering/teasing—for example, Kaveh likes to harp on Alhaitham for his lack of appreciation for aesthetics, and Alhaitham enjoys mentioning his “financial freedom” (i.e., the fact that he consistently spoils Kaveh).

Along the same lines, there are topics that they don’t tease each other about. Neither one of them makes jokes about the other person’s family situation, and there’s not much lighthearted teasing about their philosophical differences, either.

Again, I can’t really provide much help there, since the banter is just something that “happens” while I’m writing. If anyone has advice for this, feel free to chime in via the replies or by sending me an ask 😅

B — OUTLINING

1: How I Outline

So, yes, I do outline, sort of. It’s messy and haphazard, though, and I don’t end up with a coherent list of scenes and plot points until way later in the process—and even then, I still have to reference my chaotic notes when I’m writing the scenes on my “organized” outlined list.

Typically I start working on a story by jotting down all the random ideas I have for that fic concept. Maybe one day I think of the concept and a few lines of dialogue, and then a few days later I think of a scene that would take place at some point in the story, and so on. (Ideally, these notes end up in the same file on my phone or computer; in practice, they end up scattered across various devices and documents, lol.)

For instance, the other day I thought of a concept for an omegaverse fic with an omega/omega dynamic. (Sorry for anyone who doesn’t enjoy this AU—it’s the most recent “in progress” example in my files, and therefore the easiest to reference.) My initial note-taking more or less went like this:

I jotted down part of an opening scene, and when I ran out of steam (partly because I was typing on my phone lol)

I summarized how the rest of the scene would go

A few more ideas for dialogue occurred to me, so I made a note of those

I thought of some omegaverse “science” to explain things, so I wrote that down

Then I had an idea for a flashback scene, so I described how that would go and wrote a few lines of that

I started to get a really clear image of how that scene would go, so I sat down and started properly writing a potential iteration of that scene

For a fic like that—one that isn’t too complicated, I mean—I won’t necessarily take time to organize all of those notes before I officially start writing. There’s a short and simple “arc” in my head:

Beginning of story: Character A announces that an unexpected heat is starting; Character B says there’s a way he can help, but Character A refuses

Middle: Character A thinks back on a time years ago when the two of them tried to platonically help each other and then things went wrong, hence why he turned down Character B’s present-day offer

End: Character A reconsiders and accepts Character B’s help

In this case, I don’t need to know a lot of details before I start writing, and there’s no need for me to make a “formal” outline organizing the random notes I’ve jotted down; I can easily consult those notes once I reach the relevant scenes in the story. All I really need to know is the “arc” of the plot, and I won’t need to write that down if it’s simple/straightforward enough.

It’s kind of similar to how I might need to print out directions or use a GPS to navigate somewhere I haven’t been before, or somewhere I’ve only visited a few times—whereas for a short trip or a route I’ve taken often, I won’t necessarily need a visual guide.

Now, for a story that’s more complicated—like “testing, testing”—I definitely need to take a more structured approach. (Well, “structured” by my unorganized standards, anyway.) When I began writing that fic, I made a rough outline that sketched out the progression of both the sexual exploration and the romantic relationship. It wasn’t super detailed, but it essentially told me:

What kind of sex the characters are having in each chapter

What “domestic shit” happens in that chapter

How the two characters are feeling about each other at that point in time

Uh, actually, here. You can just look at the first page. (My handwriting is usually neater than this 😅)

The current fic doesn’t 100% match that outline—for instance, the whole “good boy” thing didn’t exist at that point, so the “praise kink” sex scene intended for Chapter 5 was actually a different scene, which I’ve tentatively moved to a later chapter. (And my current outline for the rest of the chapters has rather substantially deviated from that original outline, although the overall arc and most of the sex scenes are still the same.)

In general, I outline so that I’ll know “where” a story is going while I write, and which milestones I need to hit on my way toward the end of that story. I need to know the major ways Alhaitham and Kaveh’s relationship changes throughout the fic, and how those changes are reflected/affected by the sex scenes. I still have a good deal of flexibility—I can add or move scenes, alter plot points, add new story arcs—but I do need to follow a (loosely) predetermined trajectory, in order to make sure the story ends up being cohesive.

Of course, that initial outline for “testing, testing” isn’t what I’m currently using…but I don’t have an updated outline for the entire story, either. I just have a lot of notes for individual chapters, and I know the general direction of the plot—as in, I know that the story will eventually reach the fic’s “Getting Together” tag, and I know which major developments need to happen in order for Kaveh and Alhaitham to reach that point.

Those major developments are:

Alhaitham and Kaveh need to reach a point where they can communicate openly and honestly

They need to realize their feelings for each other

They need to decide to act on those feelings for each other

Notes and outlines for individual chapters help me figure out the smaller-scale developments for that arc, but even without those, I always know that by the end of the fic, Alhaitham and Kaveh will be in a position where they’ve done the three things on that list.

(Examples of “smaller-scale developments” for the arc: specific scenes that improve Alhaitham and Kaveh’s communication skills, the exact moments they realize their feelings for each other, their specific reactions to those realizations, the manner in which they discuss their feelings, et cetera. Basically, the major developments are “what” the plot requires, and these smaller-scale developments are “how” those parts of the plot happen.)

I think I would probably get stuck when I’m writing if I didn’t know where a story was going to end up; I need to have that clear “end point” in mind so that I can anticipate things like plot/character arcs. I basically want to know “what are things like at the beginning of the story?” and “how have those things changed by the end?” before I start writing. I can wait until after I start writing to figure out which specific developments happen in the middle, but I need to at least know the starting position that the characters/situation are changing from, and the ultimate position that they’re changing to.

2: My Actual Suggestions for Outlining

So, outlines can be helpful organizational tools, but they won’t instantly solve everything. That is, if you’re getting stuck when you write, the lack of an outline—or the way you’re currently outlining—isn’t the root cause of the problem. This means that simply making some sort of outline, with your sole intent being “to make an outline”, won’t solve the issue; you need to first determine why you’re getting stuck, in order to know what kind of outline will benefit you. (Like needing to identify a specific type of poison in order to know the correct antidote for it, or whatever.)

I’m probably being Captain Obvious here, lol, but I think it’s potentially useful to note: if I’m stuck and I don’t know what to write, then how am I supposed to make an outline that organizes the things I’m going to write?

In general, an outline is a way for you to see the structure/framework of a story. It allows you to keep track of different developments such as story arcs, character growth, and relationship progress—which is to say, the outline gives you a “structure” within which you can write, but it won’t generate the things that get organized inside that structure.

That said, once you do get around to making an outline: Every writer has their own preferred organizational methods and tools, so you’ll need to figure out which ones work best for you. (Heck, some people are just “seat-of-the-pants” writers who don’t make outlines at all!)

And, at the risk of being Mr. Obvious once again—the best outline is one that enables the writer to keep track of whatever information they personally need to reference while writing, which will depend on both the author and the story. For example, if I’m writing a silly crack one-shot, then I likely don’t need an outline that lays out character arcs. But if I’m writing a slowburn about two characters gradually falling for each other, then I probably want an outline that breaks down the progression of their relationship development, so that I can organize my thoughts and figure out which scenes need to happen in the story, and when.

That doesn’t mean you need to know everything when you make an outline, though. Outlining can also make it easier for you to figure out which “gaps” in the story need to be filled. For example, say I’ve just finished writing Chapter 4 of “testing, testing”, and I know from my outline that an internal conflict is going to occur in Chapter 8. This tells me that the next few chapters need to contain certain plot/character developments building up to the eventual conflict. I can figure out the specifics as I go, but already I can see (in a very general sense) what will fill that gap in the outline:

Chapter 5: Something happens that affects how Alhaitham feels/thinks about his relationship with Kaveh

Chapter 6: We see this reflection in Alhaitham’s POV; more developments occur that push him closer to the problem in Chapter 8

Chapter 7: Some sort of continuation of these developments

Chapter 8: The story arrives at the conflict

Having said all of that—if you get stumped when you’re writing, I can’t say for sure what the solution is, but here are some things you could potentially consider.

💡 Know the goal (or the “point”) of the scene you’re writing, as it relates to the story overall

As in, what does this scene accomplish, in terms of storytelling? Does it demonstrate an important aspect of a character’s personality? Does it progress the plot in a significant way? In general, why is this scene happening and being shown to the reader? (I should note that, especially with fanfiction, your answer doesn’t need to be elaborate—it could be something like “I wanted to show how domestic and disgustingly in love these two characters are” 😂 And you might also have multiple answers to that question, depending on the scene.)

For example, this line was in my preliminary notes for Chapter 5:

How is Kaveh feeling / what part of his emotional development do we want to explore here?

So, when I was planning (and writing) certain scenes in that chapter, I was focused on how I could use those scenes to depict important changes in Kaveh’s perspective and in his relationship with Alhaitham.

💡 Identify the characters’ goals during that scene, and the story as a whole

This is partly repeating what I said before about writing conversations—but, again, it’s often useful to know the direction/destination of what you’re writing, and one way of doing that is to identify the characters’ goals during each individual scene (and throughout the story as a whole).

For any scene you’re writing: What is the character trying to accomplish during this particular part of the story? In general, they will say and do things that move them closer to that goal. (Or closer to some other goal, if their priorities shift during the scene.) Characters are typically pursuing something, whether it’s a concrete goal or a more abstract one like an emotional need. And the goal might not necessarily be a conscious one—as in, the character may not specifically think to themself, “I am pursuing this goal”—but you as the writer will know it.

Knowing the characters’ goals will hopefully give you a direction and endpoint for both the scene and the story. The scenes you write—and the characters’ actions during those scenes—will (in theory) involve accomplishing their goals.

To clarify, I’m not saying that this always has to be the case; every writing “rule” can be broken, after all. And of course there will be scenes where a character encounters a setback or ends up being pushed farther away from their goal, instead of moving closer to it. But if you don’t at least have some idea of what the characters are trying to accomplish in a scene, then you might have more difficulty writing the story.

It’s akin to me offering to give someone a lift, but when I pick them up and they get into my car, they don’t tell me where they’re going. I’m sitting behind the wheel, the keys are in the ignition, and I know that I need to drive the car somewhere…but I can’t proceed or reach the destination without receiving some sort of directions, first.

Mind you, those directions don’t need to be perfectly accurate or 100% complete when the car first starts moving. There’s time during the trip for the person to change their mind about the destination, or to amend the directions they gave me, or to pull up more specific directions on a GPS, et cetera. I just need some sort of preliminary instruction, so that I can at least start driving the car. If the person I’m driving doesn’t give me even the slightest bit of information, though, I’m going to be stuck sitting in an idling vehicle with no way to progress.

(And, to extend the metaphor: Sure, sometimes you might pick up a friend and decide to just aimlessly walk/drive around town until something catches your eye. There’s nothing wrong with taking that approach to writing, so I’m not saying that you absolutely must identify the characters’ goals at the outset of a story. But if you’re specifically stumped while writing, then you might benefit from taking some time to consider that question.)

So, I’m sure there are some folks—like seat-of-the-pants writers—who truly write with no specific destination/direction in mind, and if that works for them, excellent! I am not one of those people, though 😂 And if you’re getting stuck while writing, then that approach isn’t going to be effective for you, at least not for that particular story.

(Also, many writers—like me—do fall somewhere in the middle, in terms of whether they plan nothing or plan everything before writing. I don’t meticulously plan every detail, and I pretty much always end up deviating from my outline somehow, with unexpected plot points and scenes cropping up while I’m writing…but I generally don’t start writing a story without doing some sort of note-taking or planning beforehand.)

💡 Identify the “key developments” that need to happen in the scene, chapter, or story

I probably made that sound fancier than it actually is—I just mean that you can try making a loose checklist, basically.

For instance, when writing Chapter 5 of “testing, testing”, I knew that certain plot points needed to happen in order to progress the kink exploration storyline, and that certain character/relationship developments needed to happen in order to progress the romance storyline. So, my list might look something like this:

Kaveh and Alhaitham go shopping; this scene needs to set up some of the experimentation they do in later chapters (kink exploration)

Kaveh finds out that Alhaitham wants to be called a good boy (kink exploration)

They have sex with Alhaitham submitting and Kaveh calling him a good boy (kink exploration)

Seeing Alhaitham so vulnerable/agreeable in this chapter makes Kaveh think about their friendship as students, and Kaveh tries to mentally sort out the differences between Past Alhaitham and Present Alhaitham (character/relationship development)

Kaveh realizes he’s been dehumanizing Alhaitham and overlooking his feelings/needs, and then Kaveh resolves to stop doing that (character/relationship development)

Once I see the most important elements listed out like that, I can then try to figure out how to include them in the chapter. For example, the shopping scene is fairly straightforward—but which items do Alhaitham and Kaveh need to purchase for future scenes? Can I work in mentions of Alhaitham being more vulnerable/agreeable during that part, or things that remind Kaveh of their friendship as students? Is there a moment during the shopping trip when Alhaitham feels particularly “human” to Kaveh? How might other necessary plot points, conversations, or exposition fit into this shopping trip? (E.g., the explanation for why Kaveh abruptly asked Alhaitham to grab his throat during sex in Chapter 4, or the existence of the commissioned outfit that Kaveh will be wearing in Chapter 6.)

If I really wanted to neatly organize my thoughts—which I rarely end up doing, lol—I could maybe make an outline with two main sections: 1) events in the chapter, and 2) developments in the chapter.

The first section (List 1) would consist of things that physically happen in the chapter. For Chapter 5, that would be:

Kaveh asks Alhaitham to go shopping so that they can buy a dildo

The two of them go shopping at an erotic marketplace

They have sex when they get home, and fall asleep together afterward

They have sex again the next day, during which Kaveh calls Alhaitham a “good boy”

Aftercare & end of chapter

The second section (List 2) would list out the internal/emotional developments that occur in the chapter. For Chapter 5, that would be:

Alhaitham is communicating more straightforwardly and being more outwardly supportive of Kaveh

Kaveh doesn’t misinterpret Alhaitham’s words as much as usual

Kaveh gets closer to realizing that he has romantic feelings for Alhaitham

Kaveh realizes that he’s been dehumanizing Alhaitham and disregarding his feelings and needs

Kaveh realizes that he was mistaken in thinking that Alhaitham is disdainful toward him

From there, I would figure out how the developments from List 2 can be shown during the events of List 1. That is, what “moments” could be included in these events to demonstrate the developments that occur during this chapter’s arc?

You could maybe think of it like playing a trading card game—or a deckbuilding game, or something like that—where:

The match you’re playing = the chapter you’re writing

Each “turn” in that match = a specific event or plot point from List 1

Each card in your hand = a specific development from List 2

During each “turn” in the “game” (during each scene in the chapter), you’re holding those List 2 cards in your hand, and you’re trying to figure out the best way to play those cards. If you can play multiple cards in one turn (one scene), great! Or if you want to focus on playing one card at a time, that works too. Your goal is just to make sure that you’re playing some sort of card each turn (scene), so that the emotional/internal arc of the chapter unfolds via the events of the chapter.

Since that analogy might be a bit confusing and difficult to visualize, below is an extremely unartistic representation made in MS Paint. (Please forgive me for these aesthetic crimes, Kaveh.)

**Also, I wasn’t sure where to mention this, but—the parts of Chapter 5 involving Kaveh’s crisis about sadomasochism actually weren’t in my original plan for the chapter; that storyline spontaneously came up while I was writing. With how I outline and approach writing, though, it was pretty easy to incorporate that new plot thread into the chapter.

Basically, the sadomasochism subplot just meant that Kaveh had a new emotional need and chapter goal, so I added the scene(s) that his new need/goal required. And because I knew the main developments that would occur during the chapter, I was also able to see how this plotline tied into those existing elements and arcs. For example:

The development where Kaveh relies more on Alhaitham for support/comfort was originally only demonstrated when Alhaitham calms Kaveh down during the beginning of their shopping trip; with the new plot point, Kaveh’s attempts to address his kink-related crisis became another event that demonstrated this relationship development

This plot point also fit the chapter development where Kaveh thinks about his feelings toward Alhaitham and realizes that he’s been dehumanizing him—for example, there’s a connection between that and Kaveh’s concern that his kink might mean he subconsciously wants to hurt Alhaitham as revenge for the emotional pain of their falling-out.

Which is to say, I think that outlining these concepts for myself makes it easier for me to integrate new plot points that pop up while I’m writing or brainstorming.

💡 Consider rewinding or backtracking a bit

I know, I know, it can be unpleasant to undo something that you just spent time and effort creating. And you shouldn’t necessarily delete that work, of course. You can always remove it from your draft and save it in a separate document. But if you’ve written in a direction that feels like a dead end—or like you’re hopelessly meandering with no hope of reaching the story’s endpoint within the next century—you might need to rewind to an earlier “character choice” and take the scene in a different direction.

So, I suppose the next question is “How do you know when the solution is to backtrack, versus when you just need to spend more time brainstorming for the story?”

I guess there isn’t a way to know for sure, but you could try asking yourself whether the scene you’re writing—with its current direction—is “accomplishing” your goal for that scene/story.

For example, maybe the scene I’m writing is meant to show how Kaveh and Alhaitham’s relationship is improving, and then Kaveh says something that leads to a huge argument and a tense mood. On its own, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe I’ll decide that Kaveh and Alhaitham resolving the argument is a more effective way to demonstrate their relationship development—or maybe I’ll decide that the scene is actually more interesting if it shows that the two of them are still struggling to keep things civil, and that their relationship “improvement” consists of taking two steps forward and one step back.

But I also might decide that, no, that’s not what I was trying to accomplish by writing this scene, and I’m not interested in exploring a different direction. In that case, I can backtrack to the beginning of the argument and try having Kaveh and Alhaitham make different choices. (E.g., I could still write the dialogue that starts the argument, but then Kaveh and Alhaitham’s initial responses are different this time—or I might rewind the scene even further, and have Kaveh choose to say something besides the thing that started the argument.) From there, hopefully the scene will start going in the direction I want, and I won’t feel stuck or lost while writing it.

**Note: I usually realize problems like this during the outlining/planning stage—so, that’s definitely one way you can use outlining to your advantage. It’s much easier to “backtrack” in notes or an outline than it is to rewind a scene you’ve already partially written.

💡 Take a short break from that project

I realize that this is Ye Olde Advice For Writer’s Block, lol—but like I said, sometimes the problem isn’t that the story is going in the wrong direction. You might just need to give yourself time to figure out a certain part of the story, or maybe you’re starting to get burned out and need to let your brain rest for a bit. It never hurts to take a few days off and see if waiting fixes the issue!

___ ___ ___ ___ ___

So, overall: Getting stuck during the writing process is common, but it’s the type of problem that could be caused by any number of things, so it needs to be tackled on a case-by-case basis.

I guess the good news (?) is that you can absolutely continue to write what you feel like; that’s a completely feasible way to approach a story, and it won’t inherently cause you to get stuck. That said, since you do feel like you’re ending up stumped sometimes, you’ll need to identify which elements of the story are impeding you, and then you’ll need to figure out what kind of planning (or rewriting) most effectively helps you orient your writing and get things moving again.

Anyway, ah, hopefully something in that very long answer was helpful or illuminating 🫡

✨ Bonus ✨

For anyone who for some reason wants to slog through the Chapter 6 notes I used, and see a horrifying glimpse into my attempts to type out a scene as it rapidly plays out in my brain—the gist of the original note I made to myself was something like this:

And here’s the nightmare that spewed forth from my fingers:

Yeah, so, uh…like I said at the beginning of this post, my personal methods of outlining/planning are definitely not the same as my recommendations for outlining/planning 😂

#ask #answered #writing advice

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alystrin03 · 3 months ago

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WIP wednesday

Our beloved @ezriell has tagged me again in a WIP Wednesday. Yesterday I wrote a new chapter of my main fic, so here is a small fragment where Illario and Alecto interact...

Illario moved slightly closer to her, but making sure it wasn't so much as to make her uncomfortable. If he wanted to get results, it was time to get down to business, to do what he knew perfectly well he was best at. He had been doing just that for years: using his personal charm to make other people, especially women, let their guard down when they were with him. And then, he would get what he wanted, no doubt about it. He hadn't lied to her: he sincerely believed that Rook and her group had far more information about Zara's whereabouts than they had shared with him. Lucanis wouldn't tell him anything until the last moment, if at all, but Rook? It wouldn't be hard to loosen that woman's tongue, if she was as unwary as she seemed. “And I'd be happy to question your Talon’s criteria. I'm dead serious.” Rook scowled at him, asking for an explanation without articulating a word. “I'd long heard of the Shadow, of the reputation she was carving out for herself, but I hadn't imagined it would be someone like you” She raised an eyebrow. Mierda, he'd better steer things back to a less dangerous ground “When you hear a nickname like that, associated moreover with the house of De Riva, you imagine a scowling face and someone.... like Viago, honestly. And yet here you are, fighting an inconceivable battle but without losing your sense of humor for an instant.” “Oh, really?” she laughed. Okay, he'd gotten off the hook for this one. “I can be very scowling if I put my mind to it, I had the best teacher at the end of the day.” Illario moved a little closer to her, changing his tone a bit to one that she might find more... appetizing, so to speak. "Believe me I'd love to see it" His voice was little more than a whisper. It had rarely failed him, not seeing how Rook seemed to respond. He turned away slightly, as if to admit something he was ashamed of, and avoided her gaze. "I have to confess that I lied to you" "Oh really?" she replied, not seeming upset at all. He had aroused her curiosity. Her interest. Illario once again locked his blue eyes on hers. "And why is that?" "I knew you were going to be here. I wanted to ask you to share with me whatever information you had about Zara, to trust me more than my traumatized cousin does, to help me with my revenge since he is not going to do it. But you insist on breaking all my schemes the more I get to know you. No wonder Viago tried to hide you from outsiders. Someone with your skills has to be a treasure to his Talon. To him." It was a very risky move, but it was too late to back out. He knew that things between them hadn't exactly ended in a romance, but maybe mentioning it that way would make her feel that, unlike Viago, he could appreciate her good side. And also, that unlike Lucanis, Illario was willing to do something about it. "I have many skills" Rook said softly, lowering her voice too, as she bowed her head graciously with a slight smile. He moved a little closer, watching as she leered at him, but not turning away. She looked him straight in the eye, her face a few inches from his. He definitely had her. "Do you want me to tell you something I'm very good at?" Illario was more than used to using seduction as a weapon, it had never failed him. To him it was just another tool, a complement to his skills as a Crow. Still, the way Rook spoke sent a shiver down his spine. Damn Lucanis, even in this he had to be luckier. "Sure" He replied in a barely audible voice. She laughed again, softly, and moved a little closer to him.

I tag, as usual, @rookinthecrownest @pixiedurango @missingnozw and @nyx-de-riva, but if you are here, consider yourself tagged too!

#dragon age veilguard #dragon age #rook de riva #dragon age fandom #datv #dragon age fanfiction #dragon age rook #antivan crows #dragon age fic #crow rook #illario dellamorte #OC: Alecto de Riva #wip wednesday

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growling · 3 months ago

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Fucked up strange and unusual creature dubbed by the locals as "tumblr user Growling" (pinned post)

Hello everypony this is Growling's blog of tumbler where I post my yaoi. Anything is yaoi if you're open-minded enough

-> collective/blanket names are: Seth, Feliks/Felek, Sójka, Mikołaj/Miki, Stefan, Sylwester, Odolan, Sambor or Lasota. Collecting names like cool rocks. We also get called Growl occassionally. -> transneufemmasc, also fitting the definition for outherine for some of us; however note that this is just an oversimplification as we are not one person and our exact identities vary between headmates quite a lot, ex. Brutus is transfem while someone like Yomi is transneumasc. Individual members prefer different gendered terms so you'd be better off just asking them, but when speakin generally then collectively masculine or neutral are fine. Will not respond to weird speculations about our "agab" or genitals. -> it/its in general, once again just ask a headmate for their actual pronouns if you're speaking to them specifically and you need them -> alterhuman; plural collective/system of many, and physically nonhuman (cat therian, fictionkind, holothere), we use I/we pretty interchangeably. We don't care about origin labels or seeking out diagnoses, and don't have defined roles, either. -> Slavic as shit I will never shut up about being Polish. I am so cool and I love being Slavic unfortunately this also tends to come with The Horrors

I'm a narcissist so I thrive on attention and will not be offended if you "spam like/reblog" my stuff, tag me on things or send me too much asks, it's fine. I am very friendly and chill cat please put your fingers through the bars of my inbox. And while I love receiving them I might take a long while to answer or will not know what to say other than a ":3". If my response sounds dry or cold or anything like that then I'm not mad at you ever (I probably just had trouble with articulation or a bad case of Very Tired), I'm not the kind of guy who's just gonna secretly stew in anger something then never tell you, if something genuinely upsets me then I wouldn't hide that.

Fandoms, fixations, and special interests include, in loose order of intensity: Master Detective Archives: Rain Code, Tribe Nine, Warriors (cats), Breaking Bad & Better Call Saul, Bungou Stray Dogs, cat coat color genetics, Project: Eden's Garden, Akuma Kun, ZENO remake, My Little Pony, Danganronpa, Mouthwashing, The Coffin of Andy and Leyley, Henry Stickmin, Gravity Falls.

I don't have a DNI (we find them ineffective and just stupid as a concept; blocking is your job, not everyone else's. also, what the hell is a "basic DNI criteria"? Are you just virtue signalling or is this some form of code.) and probably won't check yours either if it's not easily accessible, ex. I won't click on a carrd link or read your entire several-paragraph pinned post under a cut unless I'm REALLY interested in your blog. If you don't want me to go through your stuff, the block button is the best way to do that, no hard feelings. If you're wondering, or about to ask as to why I might have you blocked: I block very liberally over all sorts of stuff no matter how small, so most of the time I probably don't even know either.

I don't tag a lot of stuff (either I forget or don't know how, usually forget), but as a general rule for when I do, warnings are tagged in the "cw (thing)" format.

(More about us as well as boundaries under the cut, which are optional reading but might be helpful if you'd want to avoid being blocked over unknowingly breaking some of them)

Neurodevelopmentally + physically disabled, stigmatized mental disorders Georg. My brain works differently than yours probably does, I am usually tired and disoriented/confused, very bad with articulating and will often write things in a kind of incomprehensible way, give you very short answers, take very long to do that, or not answer you at all (you can remind if you want) because of my semiverbality and disorganized thoughts also applying to written words, it doesn't mean I'm ignoring you.

I get confused pretty easily and will probably not discuss more "complex" matters unrelated to my hyperfixations and/or special interests (like politics, some discourse, invitations to "debate" you on something etc.) with you so don't bother bringing those up. Similiarly, I may ask you to rephrase something if your wording was too complicated/difficult for me to understand, or to have something clarified or explained in very simple terms. If even then I won't understand and leave the discussion, it's nothing personal.

I will also probably not read your sarcasm or know if you're telling a lie/misinformation as a joke, unless I know you and already memorized all your speech patterns or something. Do not approach me with any sort of teasing, playful rudeness, or "joke" insults, I will not take it the way you intended, and I actually hate how normalized it is now to just "ironically" be mean to strangers on the internet.

I'm not that empathetic/sympathetic, and my tone may be off or I may come off as uncaring/tactless because I just don't really have an idea how to approach most sensitive stuff and because I can't find it in myself to really be able to care about most things that don't directly concern me, so I will usually just try not to talk about those kinds of subjects. If I said something out of pocket then literally just tell me outright, otherwise I will likely not realize so and thus won't do anything about it.

Any further information you'll gonna have to pry out of me by force, or perhaps embark on an odyssey to obtain (though realistically speaking, if you just ask I have a 50% chance to just start yapping immediately about my entire life story for ten paragraphs)

Other (public) blogs:

director-yomi-hellsmile - yomi's main blog. active. coffeebeancocoa - ashie's main blog. active on and off. wisterintoxin - seweryn's and ashley's sideblog. active on and off. wiewiorczy-lot - squirrelflight's sideblog. active on and off. seth-burroughs - rain code side. active. clowder-system - plurality-focused side. active. amaterasu-corporation - rain code pride icons blog. active on and off. yaoihellsmile - shitpost yomi rp side. on hiatus. strophaia - akuma kun side. active on and off until season 2 comes out. ichinose-kazuma - tribe nine side. active on and off. treecut-place - warriors hypokits side. inactive. palebird - warriors designs side. formerly abandoned, but restarted again.

Bonus: my spotify, if you like cool and epic playlists and think I would have an immaculate music taste. Don't ever assume I pay for spotify I would never do that I have standards

#pinned #mine

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a-small-batch-of-dragons · 11 months ago

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Hero

found u on AO3 and loved u immediately, your writing style is incredible and i’ve binged all your stories :) crack request popped into my mind the other day and i thought i’d share—> the pinocchio phenomenon about “my nose will grow” (i’m sure you’re familiar) except for its the sides (prob logan bc experiment) trying it on janus- “janus will be summoned” or something to that effect idk ily please never stop writing <3 – bumblebea2712

Okay, so I've been thinking about something for a while. In your fic, Silver Box, where Roman has that box labeled 'Ego' with all the positive reinforcement in it? What if one of the things that gets whispered from it is when c!Thomas told Roman "you're my hero"? Like, especially with the angst from POF/SvS Redux. Thinking about how Roman misinterpret Janus' nod as 'Thomas is lying' when he actually meant that Thomas was still the truth when calling Roman his hero again. I wanna see Janus trying to correct him and be like "that nod meant he was telling the truth, he still thinks of you as his hero, he still cares about you", etc. Just some Roman, Janus, and c!Thomas angst all bundled up with hurt/comfort. I have THOUGHTS, and so I wanted to share :3 – oatmeal-stans-the-trash-rat

If you're up to requests rn, could we have a Sanders Sides fic where Thomas himself is actually present maybe? – anon

Hey, would you be interested in perhaps writing a story where Logan assumes Roman is stupid because he isn’t articulate, and one day Roman has enough and is trying so hard to explain to Logan why he’s wrong but he doesn’t know the right way to phrase things so he just ends up getting more and more upset while Logan isn’t listening? – anon

Hey! I love your work (I’m definitely a Roman angst enjoyer 😅, but all of it’s good!!). If you’re open to requests, I was thinking about the control that Patton has over Roman because like,, a prince fights for honor. For good. And who decides what those concepts mean? Patton does. In some way, he controls Roman’s narrative. Anyways, h/c with Roman and potentially protective Remus. Thank you for considering!! – anon

Read on Ao3

Warnings: self esteem issues, self doubt, slightly unsympathetic logan and patton

Pairings: gen

Word Count: 5984

"What honor is there that I can find now? What—how do I know what is right anymore? I've been behind a sword for so long, I fear…I fear I'm forgetting who I am without it." His breath comes out shakier. "And I fear…if I were to ever try to explain this to someone who wasn't you, my words would come out so clumsy they would impale me on their rusted edges." "There is nothing wrong with the way you speak, Roman. Nothing at all." "If only it were something that would be listened to."

Thomas sighs, scrubbing a hand over his face. "Okay, I think—is that all we're gonna be able to get done today?"

"I have no qualms about continuing, but I do not think it would be productive."

"I'm not gonna sit here and listen to you go around in circles again and again," Virgil groans, long ago giving up the pretense of standing and paying attention, his forehead pressed against the stairs railing, "just call it here and let us go."

"Now, kiddo, that's not a very sporting attitude!" Patton puts his hands on his hips. "If Thomas thinks we're all involved in this discussion, then there's no point if trying to discount your own importance."

"I'm not discounting my own importance, I'm questioning my relevance." He glares through a gap in the bars at Logan. "This whole thing isn't gonna make me think it's not worth being cautious about, no matter how much L tries to talk me out of it. I'm Anxiety. Literally it's my job to be irrational sometimes. By definition—"

"But we've previously established that you do have some semblance of logical reasoning at points, and this could very well be one of those points—"

"Okay." Thomas cuts Logan off with a wave of his hand. "I think—yeah, I think we're done. I'm sorry, Logan, but I don't—we're kind of at an impasse."

"Here's an idea." Virgil's hand flops lazily up in a parody of raising his hand. "Why don't we ask someone whose literal job it is to come up with ideas?"

Logan's nose wrinkles momentarily and he sighs. "I do not see the value in asking either Roman or Remus to weigh in on this discussion when it has nothing to do with them."

"Uh-huh, so you wanna try to do the create-an-idea thing without the Sides whose job it is to do that?"

"We are all capable of coming up with ideas, Virgil, Roman and Remus simply represent Thomas's Creativity."

"Oh, yeah?" Virgil heaves himself up onto an elbow. "When's the last time you came up with an idea for an experiment on your own?"

"Preposterous. I'm perfectly capable of coming up with my own experiments."

"Do it. Right now."

"We are in the middle of discussing—"

"No, no," Thomas says, "please, I could use a break from thinking about this."

Logan's mouth works for a second. "Very well. Let's see…ah. A spin on the Pinocchio paradox."

"The what?"

"The Pinocchio paradox. A simple thought experiment on what would happen if the character, Pinocchio, uttered the words: 'My nose will grow now.' An interesting thought, given that—"

"That his nose grows when he lies and if it does grow then he told the truth which means it wouldn't grow which means he lies, sure, sure, sure, what does that have to do with anything?"

Logan adjusts his ties and raises a finger. "Janus will now appear."

Everyone in the room pauses, listening for the telltale whoosh of a Side appearing. Which it does, a few seconds later, and Logan gets cuffed on the shoulder.

"What was that for?"

"I'm not an experiment," Janus says, a bit too amused to be an indictment, "and am perfectly capable of showing up to slap you for being an idiot."

"See? Experiment successful."

"That's not—okay." Thomas pinches the bridge of his nose. "Janus, while you're here, you might as well weigh in on this."

'"Being arbitrarily asked to choose a side with little to no context as to what the options are? My favorite." He claps his hands a few times. "What am I choosing between?"

"Would it be better if I responded to this email now, saying that I'm not available for a call for the rest of the day, or should I wait and just call back tomorrow when I am free?"

"Ooh, what an interesting dilemma. How badly will your life be impacted by a negative outcome to this call?"

"Don't fucking start with me, J," Virgil warns, studiously ignoring Patton's language, "I know you've been listening this whole time."

"Oh, you're no fun." Virgil tips him a lazy two-fingered salute and he sighs. "Very well. Thomas, do you want to respond to this now?"

Thomas frowns. "What? Isn't that what you all are here for?"

"We can manifest different parts of you trying to figure something out, but that doesn't mean you don't have your own thoughts about it that aren't us. What do you want to do?"

"This line of questioning is pointless. Thomas has established that he doesn't know what he wants and he's asked us—well, I suppose that now includes you—what to do."

Janus slides his gaze to Logan, eyes narrowing slightly. "That's awfully presumptuous of you, Logan."

"Thomas? Is that an inaccurate conclusion?"

"…I mean, not really."

Logan gestures at him. "See? There you are. Now, either we are agreeing to call the meeting here and simply wait until tomorrow, or we are going to rehash the same arguments from the past hour and quite frankly, I think there is a better use of our time."

"Why are the twins not here?"

"Excuse me?"

"The twins. The ones who are good at coming up with solutions to problems." Janus glances around. "They seem conspicuously absent from this meeting where we are trying to come up with a solution to something."

"That's what I was saying."

Logan sighs, removing his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Alright, if you insist. I do not see what sort of valuable insight they will be able to give us, but if you all want to hear what they have to say, then I suppose I cannot object."

Thomas smiles and reaches out to summon Creativity. A moment later, Roman appears in front of the TV, wincing.

"Thomas?"

"Hey, Roman, we, uh, we were hoping you could help us out."

Roman rubs the back of his neck, glancing around the room. "Uh, sure. What, uh, what with?"

"Thomas is struggling to choose between responding to a missed phone call and voicemail with either an email today apologizing and explaining his availability tomorrow, or simply calling back tomorrow when he is immediately available," Logan says smoothly. "Which option do you think is preferable?"

Roman just blinks at him for a long second. When Logan raises his eyebrows expectantly, his shoulders hunch a little and he curls in on himself. "I, um, I don't know."

"Just as I suspected. Very well, thank you Roman, you may go."

"Wait, what?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Virgil says, sitting up, "that's not fair, he's been here, what, all of two seconds?"

"Yes, and has just admitted that he doesn't have an answer to us, which is not a productive way to continue this conversation, therefore he can go."

"Wait, Logan—" Thomas holds his hand out, silently asking Roman to stay, "can't we just—how's he gonna be able to actually give his opinion if he doesn't have time to make one?"

"Roman, are the facts I've given to you unclear?"

"Huh? N-no—"

"Do you believe you have a firm enough grasp of the situation to form a conclusion?"

"I mean, yeah, I get it, but—"

"And you still don't know what option you prefer?"

Roman's quiet for a moment, his outstretched hand slowly returning to his side. "…no."

Logan nods. "Settled, then."

"Come on, Logan," Janus says, frowning a little now, "just because you didn't want him here doesn't mean you can throw him away as soon as he's said one thing that vaguely aligns with what you wanted."

"First off, that's an incredible level of irony coming from you—" both Janus and Roman flinch— "and secondly, Roman, would you like to be part of this meeting?"

They all turn to look at Roman, who shuffles under their gazes. He keeps flicking his eyes up to Thomas, then to Patton, then to Janus, before staring back down at his hands. The buzzing of the fridge becomes oppressive. He winces and rubs the back of his neck again.

"Roman?"

"…not really."

"Then it's settled, then. Thank you for your input."

Roman glances once more at Thomas with something almost like longing before he sinks out again. Virgil, who'd been watching him closely, turns to frown at Logan. Logan adjusts his tie.

"If that's all, then, Thomas, would you still like to end the meeting here?"

"Yeah, let's…let's call it."

"Very well. I shall be available if you need me further." He sinks out.

Patton sinks out next, giving Thomas a quick thumbs-up before disappearing. Janus exchanges a brief look with Virgil before he's vanishing too, leaving just the two of them alone in the living room. Thomas puts his hands on his hips, staring at the spot where Roman was.

"So that was weird, right?"

"Yeah." Virgil grunts as he sits up, hands balled up in the pocket of his hoodie. "That…I've never seen them…do that before."

"Did Roman and Logan have a fight or something?"

"I don't think so? I mean, I've seen them argue about stuff, but they always do that and it didn't seem like it was any more, like, intense than usual, so I don't…I don't know why that happened." He shuffles. "I've also never seen Logan be that…short with Roman before."

"Yeah, like, he was here for literally, like—"

"Like two seconds—"

"And then Logan was telling him to go again. And did you notice how he kept looking—"

"At you?"

"At me, yeah, did—did I do something?"

"What? Shit, no, Thomas, I don't think that's it. I think—" he sighs— "look, he's not gonna be happy I'm telling you this, but Princey's been going through some stuff lately and I'm not sure exactly what it is but I know it's been weighing on him a lot."

Thomas frowns. "How so?"

"Well, let me put it this way: have you been daydreaming a lot more lately?"

He thinks. "Uh, yeah, I mean, I guess so, but I haven't been doing that much recently, which kind of makes sense, I guess?"

"Yeah, well, that's Princey in the Imagination." Thomas nods and Virgil gives him a pointed look. "I'm telling you that Princey's been going into the Imagination more."

"Yeah, that's—isn't that what he does?"

Virgil scrubs a hand over his face. "Yeah, it is, but not like this. Normally when he goes in, he's doing it to come up with ideas or work something out, or…something. But recently…"

"But recently that doesn't feel like what he's doing," Thomas finishes, chewing on his lip, "yeah, actually, now that you mention it, it does kind of feel…different. Like—like they're…"

"Comfort," Virgil finishes quietly when he can't quite put his finger on it, "it feels like a comfort."

"Roman's going into the Imagination to comfort himself?" Virgil shrugs. "Why?"

"Like I said, he's going through some stuff. It's not—I'm not all up on how the Imagination translates to whatever your daydreams end up being, but I don't think—Princey's not even telling us what he gets up to in there."

Thomas sucks in a breath. If there's one thing he's learned after listening to them talk about whatever goes on in the Mindscape when they're not with him, it's that Roman loves to regale them with tales of his adventures in the Imagination, even if it comes at the expense of whatever else they're doing. To hear that Roman's been going off more than usual and he isn't telling them about it? Worrying, to say the least.

"When did this start?"

Virgil blows out a breath. "After the wedding."

"Shit, that's…probably not good."

"Yeah."

They both stare at the black TV. A bit of dust gets caught in a gust from the vent and sticks to the corner.

"…he's my hero," Thomas says quietly.

"Huh?"

"He's my hero. Maybe he's…maybe he's going to the Imagination to do the things heroes don't get to do."

"Okay, you gotta break that down for me a little more."

"The heroes don't get to be vulnerable. They don't get to…to actually stop and rest, not really. They have to keep going, they have to…" Thomas swallows. When did this lump in his throat get here? "They're not—oh, god, am I gonna cry?"

"Shit, shit, shit, uh—do you want me to get Patton back?"

"N-no, no, don't—" for some reason the thought of Patton reappearing sends a bolt of fear straight through his chest and he knows Virgil feels it too, shooting to his feet and watching as Thomas stumbles back to the couch— "I—oh, god."

"Hey, hey, hey, buddy," Virgil says, voice soft and low as Thomas buries his face in his hands, "take it easy, okay? You're okay, you're safe in the house, everything's okay. I need you to take a deep breath for me, okay? Just a nice, deep breath, you're okay, that's it, good, now let it out…nice, do it again…"

Virgil helps talk him slowly through the well of emotion suddenly bubbling just at the base of his throat, the breaths coming out shaky but steady. Absentmindedly, he puts a hand to his chest and starts rubbing in slow, firm circles. The pressure does something to the frantic and flighty part of him, helping to soothe him back from whatever brink he hadn't realized he'd walked to.

"Hey," Virgil calls a few minutes later, "you with me again?"

"Yeah, I think so." He takes a couple more seconds just to breathe it out. "Roman's—Roman's my hero, and I don't know if he knows that I…that I still want to listen to him."

"What do you mean?"

"Afterwards. When I—when we were all—when the stuff happened. He said that he thought he was my hero and I told him he was and then he…"

"Freaked," Virgil finishes when he can't, "yeah, I remember."

"I don't…I don't know why that made him so upset."

"Well, hey," he says when that lump starts to come back to his throat, "let's not have you worry about that right now, okay? You—let's go do something else that'll get your mind off of it. Go rewatch the Office bloopers again, that always works."

"Will you—can you keep an eye on him for me?"

"Yeah, Thomas, I can do that. Now c'mon, those bloopers aren't going to rewatch themselves."

***

Roman walks slowly through the woods as the fireflies twinkle around him. He lifts a hand to push aside a branch, stepping through the shadows to emerge onto the thin dirt path that winds through the base of the trees. As the darkness falls, the thin blue lines grow deeper, darker, blending together to weave across the grass as little critters scurry back and forth. The whistle of the wind accompanies the crunch of his footsteps as he makes his way toward the cabin.

Movement from around the side and the man emerges, wiping dirt from his hands with a rag. He looks up and smiles as Roman approaches.

"Roman," he greets, with his voice warm, "how good it is to see you."

"I see I'm a bit too late to help with the chores." He nods to the rag. "I don't mean to impose on you."

"Nonsense, old friend, nothing you do could possibly be an imposition. As it happens, I have a stew on that I won't be able to finish by myself and it would be a great favor to me if you were to help me."

Roman chuckles. "How could I refuse?"

The man holds a hand out to him as he nears, settling it on the curve of Roman's neck and pulling him close for a brief hug of sorts. Roman turns his cheek to rest against the curve of his jaw, breathing out shakily. The man lets out a comforting noise and his fingers card through the delicate hairs at the base of his head.

"Come inside, dear friend, let the fire warm you."

"The night is warm already."

"It is young still, and will grow cold," he says as he begins to lead them up the stairs, "and you look to be the type of cold that does not thaw even in the hottest sun."

"I worry for the state of the realm sometimes, if I am truly so transparent."

"Only to me, dear friend, and only because you have seen fit to allow yourself to be so with me." He's coaxed inside a modest cabin, sat at a simple hewn table as a rich smell fills the room. He closes his eyes to breathe it in, opening them again when the low thud of a bowl and tankard draws his attention. "Eat, please. You know I can't bear a less-than-full stomach under my roof."

"You're too kind to me."

"Nonsense." The hand fits itself around his head once more. "You are worth being kind to, and even more worth allowing me to care for you. Now, come on."

The stew is simple, hearty, and as filling as he could ever want. Under the table, their legs press together, boots against boots, knee against knee. The fire crackles in the hearth as the last of the light fades from outside. He can feel his shoulders beginning to relax, the line of his body growing looser, more languid.

When they've both eaten their fill and the dishes have been set away to deal with later, he sits on the floor near the hearth and stares into the flames. A warm hand lands on his shoulder and brings his head to rest against another, light touch trailing over the bare skin under his sleeve.

"What troubles you tonight, dear friend?"

"I don't want to impose—"

"Shh, none of that now. It's an honor to be troubled by your worries."

He turns his head into the crook of his neck, breathing in the smell of clean sweat, of spiced apple, of wood smoke. "I struggle to remember what it is I fight for."

Gentle nails along his scalp. "How so?"

"There is nothing wrong with the way you speak, Roman. Nothing at all."

"If only it were something that would be listened to."

"Hey." He's nudged until he can look up at the man's face. "You once told me that all you wanted to fight for was this. For the chance for one to sit, in the peace and safety, with those they care for, and have that be alright. Is this still true?"

"Yes. But I don't—I no longer know how to do that."

The man goes quiet, contemplative, running his fingers gently over the edge of Roman's face. The touch coaxes a lump to his throat, a tear to his eye, and the man lets out another comforting noise, pulling him closer.

"Rest for the night, please, dear friend. My bed is warm, my touch willing. You fear losing who you are without your sword? Put it down for the night, stay. Remind yourself of how to enjoy the thing you fight for."

"If only I could be as persuasive as you," he mumbles, allowing himself to sink into the warmth of the touch, "then I might never need a sword again."

He chuckles. "Well, I don't know if I can do all that much, but I have learned how to persuade you, my dear, and that will serve me well enough."

***

"Roman?"

Roman turns, spotting Janus as he trudges back from the Imagination. "What're you doing awake?"

"I was waiting for you."

He winces. "Sorry, I, um, did we have something planned?"

"What? No, no, sweetie, nothing like that, I only—I wanted to talk to you for a moment."

A chill works its way up Roman's spine and he suppresses a shudder, walking slowly to his room and opening the door. Janus follows him in, carefully closing it behind them and waiting while Roman tucks something into a drawer on his desk and sitting down.

"What's up?"

"Are you…are you okay?"

He flinches slightly. "Why, um, why?"

Janus looks pained. He glances around and seemingly comes to a decision before sinking down to the floor, crossing his legs and sighing. "You…seemed very upset after earlier, and I wanted to come and ask you about it."

"Oh, no, I'm fine, I wasn't—Logan was right, I wasn't going to be useful in that conversation."

"The one you were in for all of three seconds before you were being shunted out of it again?"

Roman narrows his eyes. "You know, it is kind of ironic that you of all people are worrying about that right now."

Janus barely has time to process how he feels about that sentence before Roman's eyes are widening and he's leaning back.

"Sorry, I'm sorry, that came out really rude, I didn't mean that."

"You did, and that's okay. No, no—really, it is okay, Roman, you don't have to pretend like I didn't hurt you—that I'm not hurting you when I do things like that. No, no—" he stands as Roman covers his face with his hands— "please, sweetie, just—just listen to me for a second, okay?"

Roman nods, his face still hidden. Janus hesitates for a moment before gloved hands come down to rest on his shoulders. He leans down and carefully, carefully presses his chin to the top of Roman's head. Roman shudders a little under the contact but stays still.

"You've been distant lately," Janus whispers, as though afraid of breaking the silence, "and that's not a bad thing, sweetie, but it's…it seems like it's hurting you. And I'm worried because Thomas isn't—I don't know what Thomas would do without you."

Roman stiffens and immediately he knows it was the wrong thing to say. "I won't let Thomas down again, I know what I'm doing. I'm just—I'm sorry I haven't been very present lately, but I'm—"

"No, no, that's not what I meant—wait, what do you mean, 'again?'"

Roman hunches his shoulders. "I know I'm not Thomas's hero anymore, okay? You don't need to keep acting like I'm—"

"Wait, wait, sweetie." Janus crouches down, cupping Roman's face in his hands. "What do you mean, you're not Thomas's hero anymore?"

"That's what you said! After the wedding, when he said—when I said—and you nodded! Like it was a lie!" He jerks away. "We don't need to pretend that didn't happen, okay? I remember, it's not like I could forget something like that."

"No, no, Roman—no, that's not what I meant, I didn't—it wasn't a lie."

Roman goes still. He stares at Janus for a long moment, long enough for a bit of a smile to come to his face, like Roman's actually listening to him. Then Roman's expression darkens and the voice that comes out of him is darker and more venomous than anything Janus has ever heard.

"Do not lie to me."

"R-Roman—"

"No." Roman pulls away, standing up, towering over him. "You will not lie to me. Not about that, not about anything like that. Use me as your puppet all you want, everyone knows I can't stop you, but I won't let you lie to me about this. Ever."

He's already fumbling to get his gloves off, surging up and grabbing Roman in a tight hug, so close he couldn't hope to get an inch of distance between them. "I'm not lying," he hisses, almost into Roman's nose, "I'm not lying about this, Roman, I'm not. Thomas wasn't lying. You're his hero. You still are."

"Stop it—"

"My gloves are off! I can't lie with my gloves off, Thomas loves you—you're his hero—"

"Stop it!" The words leave Roman in a breathless cry and Janus is left struggling to heft his weight as his knees buckle. "Stop it, stop it—stop it, it's not true, it can't be true, it's a lie—it—it has to be—"

"Why does it have to be, sweetie?" They're back on the floor, Janus smoothing hair back from Roman's flushed face, awkwardly holding him in his lap. "Why did it have to be a lie?"

"Because—because—" he sniffles— "nothing makes sense anymore. I don't—I can't—I can't do anything."

He frowns. "What do you mean you can't do anything?"

Hands come up to circle his wrists, not to push him away, just to have somewhere else to hold onto. "Princes fight for honor, for what's good. I can't—I can't fight anymore."

Not much can break Janus's heart like hearing Roman admit something like that, fewer things still can threaten tears at the corners of his eyes like the ones badly concealed in Roman's voice. "What do you mean, sweetie? Why can't you fight anymore?"

"I don't know anything! I don't know what's good, what's honorable, what's—what's right, I can't…I'm wrong, Janus, I'm just wrong and I don't—I don't know how to be right again."

"Shh, shh, shh, easy, now, sweetie, shh…" Janus hauls him closer, pressing his mouth to his flushed cheek, still murmuring comfort. "Shh…that's it, just stay here with me a moment, okay?"

"J-Janus—"

"I'm here, sweetie, I'm right here."

Roman's stifled sobs land like mines in the room, creating a mess around them as he curls up tighter, tighter still. The door to the Imagination glistens softly and he can almost hear the distant crackle of a fireplace and that alone sends him further into the fit. Janus's hands remain gentle, holding him close, but everything keeps spinning and nothing, nothing makes sense except the hurt in his chest.

He's going to cry himself to sleep again, he realizes faintly as exhaustion starts to seep through him, but then Janus is kissing his forehead again and gently shaking him awake.

"Sweetie, listen to me: no one knows what you fight for better than you, okay? You're Thomas's Hopes and Dreams, his hero—" Roman whimpers— "you do know what's right."

"N-no, I don't."

"Then who does know?"

"Patton."

Janus's blood runs cold. "Patton? Why Patton?"

"Patton's the Heart, he's M—he's Morality. He knows—he decides. I'm—I just follow." He sniffles. "And Logan—Logan, he's right, I don't—I'm so stupid—"

"That's enough, now." He runs a hand through his hair again. "That's enough, sweetie. You're not stupid. No—shh, shh, you're not. You know you're not."

"I am. I can't—I can't talk right and I don't know what I'm doing and—an' I'm just gonna mess everything up again."

Janus closes his eyes, bowing his head and taking a deep breath of his own. Cradling Roman's head to his chest, he leans down and kisses both his forehead and his cheeks, just staying there for a long, long moment. Roman's soft sobs echo gently in his ear and he tucks a stray piece of hair back from his face.

"You're not stupid," he murmurs, "you're not going to mess everything up again. You're okay. You're okay, sweetie."

Roman sniffles and shakes his head. "No, it's not. It's not okay."

"…no," Janus concedes, pulling Roman close, "I suppose it's not."

***

Not many things can happen in the Mindscape without Remus noticing, and almost nothing can happen to his brother without him showing up to knock some heads.

Case in point: when there's a tug in his gut telling him that Roman is upset, he grabs his Morningstar and sinks out without hesitating.

When he rises up in the living room, it takes less than two seconds for him to determine one: that Logan is picking on his brother, two: Patton isn't doing anything to stop him, and three: Roman is crying.

"Remus, not now," Logan sighs, "we're in the middle of something."

"You're in the middle of hurting my brother."

"R-Re?" He's got his arm around Roman's shoulders in the next moment. "W-wait, I need to—I have to—I gotta explain."

"Explain what, Roro?"

Logan sighs. "Roman has been trying, unsuccessfully, to explain that we are at fault for—"

"Ah, no." Remus throws a knife at Logan. "I didn't ask you. Shush."

"Remus! Throwing knives at people isn't nice!"

"Neither is making them cry! We're all in agreement." He tucks his head against Roman's, gentling his voice. "What're you trying to explain, Roro?"

"The—" he sniffles— "Janus said I should try—try talking to them and I said it wouldn't work but he—he insisted an' I—"

"Shh, shh, take your time, Ro, you're doing great."

"Heart. Morality. Prince. Logic."

Remus's little black heart breaks in two and he wraps his arms tightly around his brother. "Oh, Ro, it's okay. It's gonna be okay, lemme get you somewhere safe and I'll do it for you, okay?"

"You don't have to—"

"Trust me, Ro-bro, I got this."

Roman sags in his arms. "O-okay."

Remus quickly bids the Imagination to open its doors and sinks Roman out, giving him a gentle push into the forest before reappearing in the living room. He cracks his knuckles and grins.

"Alright, where were we?"

Logan sighs. "Remus, I don't—"

"Ah, that's right!" Remus throws another knife at him. "You, not listening to people who can't articulate things as well as you can! Rude and ableist, Loganberry, not a good look on you."

"I am not—"

"Roman can't articulate his thoughts as well as you can and so you think you're better than him, smarter than him, and that he's not worth listening to, is that explicit enough?" Logan opens and closes his mouth a few times but doesn't say anything. "Mm. And you!"

Patton yelps as Remus throws something at him too.

"You have a nasty habit of making Roman feel like a helpless little kid! You have a lot of sway over things like Thomas's sense of right and wrong and when you don't talk to Roman like he's your equal, you really fuck him up!"

"Language—"

"Don't fucking talk to me about my language," Remus says with artificial cheeriness, "talk to yourself about how not to give my brother an identity crisis!"

He stops throwing things, mainly because the rest of them are exploding or things he knows Roman would rather he didn't throw at them, no matter how tempting it is. The two of them slowly get their shit together, each with a different amount of regret. He doesn't really care about that, though, so long as they're not going to hurt Roman like that again.

"Good chat!"

And he sinks out to tackle Roman into Ollie's pond so they can have fun playing and not crying.

God, he loves his brother.

***

"Hey, Thomas?"

Thomas looks up and sees Virgil on the stairs. "Oh, hey, Virge, what's up?"

"You, uh, you asked me to keep an eye on Princey."

He sits up straight. "Yeah, what's—what's going on?"

Virgil sighs, rubbing his hands together. "There was a…not a fight, but some stuff happened. Turns out that Roman, uh, didn't believe you when you said you still thought of him as your hero and it…got bad."

"Do I want to know how bad?"

"Like, bad enough that Roman wasn't—shit, Thomas, no, I don't think you wanna know. Let's just say it was bad enough that he wasn't just going to the Imagination for comfort, he was going there because it was the only place he felt safe."

"Oh, Roman…"

"The fight—the thing was about Roman trying to explain to Patton and Logan how it fucked him up really badly, and he wasn't—you know how Roman's not always the best at explaining himself?"

"Yeah?"

"It—it wasn't really going well. Remus had to step in and do it for him."

"Wait, Remus?"

"Yeah, they're brothers. Remus—shit, Remus is really protective of Roman sometimes and this time wasn't an exception. Everyone's fine now, but it's…" Virgil sighs. "Logan and Patton have apologized and everybody's working on it, but I thought you'd want to know."

"How much stuff happens with you guys that I don't know about?"

"Honestly? I don't think you want the answer to that either."

"Jesus." Thomas scrubs a hand over his face. "Alright, well, thanks for telling me, Virgil. If…if there's anything I can do, let me know?"

Virgil nods and sinks out. Thomas puts a hand to his chest, rubbing in slow circles. There's a part of him that feels cold, still. Maybe…maybe he can figure out some way to help warm it up.

***

Roman wakes up to the sound of a crackling fire. He hums, rolling over, reaching for the edge of the bed, only to stop when his hands meet the thick red comforter. He frowns. This…this is his bed. He didn't fall asleep in the Imagination. So then why…?

He looks over and his eyes widen.

Across the room, tucked into a neat little alcove that definitely wasn't there when he went to sleep, is a merrily crackling fireplace. Above it, mounted on a gold plaque, is a cardboard sword with the words you're my hero written on it in red ink.

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#sanders sides #roman sanders #roman angst #roman sanders angst #remus sanders #sympathetic remus #janus sanders #deceit sanders #sympathetic deceit #patton sanders #logan sanders #virgil sanders #dragonbabbles #fic

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crowbasils · 1 year ago

Note

What do you think about autistic Basil headcanon?

I made a post about this, I relate to him a lot and I see a lot of his behavioral patterns in me.

YES. i see it!! and i’ve been meaning to talk about the possibility of basil being autistic for quite a while, so, i’ll talk about it here. it’s harder to see it in comparison to sunny’s since he’s most likely masking (which sunny doesn’t really do), but it’s still there!!

(this tweet will kinda be a mess, since it’s not like an analysis analysis. if i’m wrong, please do correct me!)

according to the nhs (https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/autism/signs/children/) signs of autism in older children include:

- not seeming to understand what others are thinking or feeling

- unusual speech, such as repeating phrases and talking ‘at’ others

- liking a strict daily routine and getting very upset if it changes

- having a very keen interest in certain subjects or activities

- getting very upset if you ask them to do something

- finding it hard to make friends or preferring to be on their own

- taking things very literally – for example, they may not understand phrases like "break a leg"

- finding it hard to say how they feel

from what we know about him & from what the duet cutscene says, he was alone for most of his life before meeting the friend group. he also has a line (though said by headspace basil) about this! while that may not necessarily be a sign of autism, it’s what he says next that stands out to me.

“you’ve all taught me so much… how to care for others and how to care for myself too!”

that specific line stands out to me because of how it tells us that basil wasn’t always as caring and cheery as he was as a 12 year old. he learned from his friends—through experience with them, and through observation.

he’s also implied to have a hard time making friends. other than aubrey (who he likely met later in his life rather than in early childhood like sunny and kel), he had no friends before that. how awkward he is in the cutscene where aubrey introduces him to her new-found friend group also implies that he hasn’t had experience with friends. (he also looks like he’s somewhat ‘copying’ aubrey’s smile, just in a more awkward way)

basil most likely has difficulty when it comes to identifying feelings—specifically ones he hasn’t experienced himself. such as the fear of spiders. he doesn’t seem to get that others can fear spiders due to how he doesn’t fear spiders and sees them as a positive instead.

(icon can’t be seen due to my bad internet, but it’s headspace basil. a lot of the headspace basil lines in blackspace and omori route help when it comes to understanding his character better. stranger’s lines help as well :3)

(it should be noted, though, that otherwise, he’s good at reading sunny specifically. may not be a sign of it on itself, but taking into consideration that sunny is also likely autistic, it might be. both of them understand each other despite their childhood different experiences due to it.)

he’s also… pretty bad at articulating and identifying feelings.

“…but the words don’t come out.”

“i don’t know if i should apologize”

“but why does part of of me still cling on?”

the feeling of not knowing if you should apologize or not, the inability to form words and articulating yourself, the feeling of not knowing why you do something… that counts, right?

basil has a very keen interest in plants and flowers. he memorized the symbolism of the flowers that the he assigned to the friend group, and we see plants all over and even outside basil’s house.

he also insists on only taking photos of people when they’re not posing for him and genuinely expressing emotion (which does give the headcanon of him observing expressions and feelings through the photo album a little more merit :3)

from OMORI canon, we know how attached he is to the past and how he dislikes sudden changes. it’s why the photo album exists, it’s why he says “everything will be okay”, it’s why he did what he did. this is something that both sunny and basil have in common!

to me, basil is an autistic person who learned how to mask because he’s afraid to be seen as weird by his friends & others. his relationship with sunny is the only one where he’s able to drop that mask and be “free” in a sense. post-incident basil tries to mask too, but fails at it since he has… a lot more going on his mind.

#OMORI #BASIL OMORI #OMORI BASIL #basil answers !!#basil analysis #kinda #i stand by the autistic basil headcanon #it just makes so much sense to me #ahhhahah #also remember how basil has a weak stomach?#apparently autistic people have a higher statistic of having gastrointestinal problems #not sure why but yeah #god hates us #i guess #i relate to his behavioral patterns too #which is why i see him as very muchautistic.

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catoz0 · 6 months ago

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Hey its me! I have returned with more rambling nonsense and I am very glad for it

So this is yet another Au that I guess I will call the roommates AU???? The general gist for this is that Henry finds William post Springtrapping and agrees to rebuild and revive him in exchange for William helping him undo all the harm he has caused. Not really having much of a choice but also incapable of really ever saying no to Henry he agrees and as such roommates!!!! There is some other finer details but this thing is already way too fucking long already so lets just get into it

One last thing, I have a Patreon!!! So if you like my stuff and wanna help out you can support me over there. I am not able to fully articulate how much help it would be but regardless thank you

patreon.com/user?u=84853314

Enjoy!

Tap Tap Tap

When Henry starts to think on it almost absentmindedly he starts to equate the tap,tap,tap of Williams feet as the sounds of a dog patrolling its territory

The click of claws on tile

When Henry had first discovered William slumped in that backroom he had known that the damage was bad, when they came to the agreement Williams rotted hand encircling his he knew it would be difficult

As if trying to snatch someone form the jaws of death would ever be an easy endeavour.

Remnant had done alot of the work but some parts had simply been unsalvageable and had to be replaced with metal

William hadn't seemed too upset about it but Henry hadn't expected him to be.

One of the main problem areas had been anything small, teeth fingers toes.

Henry wasn't sure why

Maybe it was like working with clay?

Once as Henry is doing a generalised repair he had leaned over to check something when William had reached out and touched him trailing his hands over his left arm

His metal arm

Henry hadn't been able to do anything but go stock stiff

“What a pair we make darling” William had rasped

After that Henry had disconnected his arm for three days before begrudgingly reattaching it when he realised how annoying it was to do everything and purposefully handicapping himself to prove a non-existent point wasn't worth it

However despite everything William wasn't the worst roommate he had ever had

The first time Henry had returned home from work so exhausted that he couldn't see straight and discovered that William had not only done all the chores but made dinner he had been able to do nothing but stare.

The smile that William had given him when he meekly said thank you had almost been more unnerving than the act itself

Since then William had continued doing it and when he finally stopped procrastinating talking to him about it William had said that it was only fair.

Henry was currently the only source of income for obvious reasons, anytime he broached the topic of William going outside for anything he would simply stare at him until he trailed off and dropped it. He really should get around to checking to see if William was ever legally declared dead or was simply just missing.

Williams casual helpfulness wasn't the only thing that was unnerving though

William stares

This actually took quite a long time for Henry to figure out due to his avoidance of the cryptid he had invited into his apartment. Being constantly plagued with thoughts about how this was all a huge mistake and how William was absolutely just going to stab him in his sleep, its due to this that Henry only notices when he begins to get somewhat used to his new roommate

So the first time that Henry notices it is when he glances up in response to the fridge clunking to find William gazing at him from across the room

The most disquieting fact about the entire thing was that it wasn't even like an out of the corner of his eye kind of thing no dead on eyes FULLY unblinking. NOT helped by how bright his eyes are so it kinda feels like he has a pair of high beams aimed at him

What does Henry in that moment, headphones on sketchpad on his thighs?

Nothing

Well not entirely true he actually blushes so hard he almost vomits and hurriedly looks back down

He sits there for two hours without drawing anything.

William doesn't move or acknowledge it once.

Since then Henry has noticed it alot but he cant quite parse out a pattern other than often, and he's equally at a loss to discern a reason for why he's doing it

He eventually decides that he's doing it to unnerve him

His mind occasionally starts to whisper other possible reasons but he swiftly shuts them down

Until comes the night where he cant anymore

Its important to note that Henry is an incredibly deep sleeper to the point of constant inconvenience, granted this is due in part to his tendency to stay up for two days straight before crashing into a state of unconsciousness so deep that nothing can reach him

In his more idle thoughts he hopes its what death is like but after seeing William he doesn't have much hope.

There was more than one occasion where William had come to fetch him for a meeting and then spend so long to rouse him that he would wind up being late for said meeting

Eventually William would enter the room see he was sleeping and simply turn around and walk out.

With that in mind he isn't quite sure what made him awaken that night but he does

Henrys sleepy half awake mind registers weight and warmth without assigning any meaning to it other than that its pleasant, pleasant enough that he almost goes right back to sleep

But then there's the puff of hot air on his neck and he goes from half asleep to wide awake as he FINALLY connect the dots.

William is in the bed with him

His first panicked instinct to wriggle away proves fruitless as William had fully wound himself around him, his head shoved into the junction between his neck and shoulder. His struggling doesn't even cause William to stir, his panic only increases when he remembers that he doesn't have his arm connected.

Rational thought completely evicted Henry leans down and sinks his teeth into the bridge of Williams nose.

THAT finally gets him his reaction as William shoves him away

Henry hits the floor and scrambles to his feet exceptionally fast considering the lack of arm and stares at the figure on his bed heart rabbiting so fast that he can scarcely think of anything else.

William is still as death, stuck halfway prone with blood running down his face, his eyes are as they always are and that, that maddeningly familiar detail cracks something in Henry

“William” he bites out with alot of effort “What the Fuck!”

William as FUCKING always simply stares

Henry lets out a string of unintelligible hisses before stomping over and awkwardly jamming his feet into his shoes, before turning and awkwardly patting down his discarded jeans for his wallet and keys.

He really needs to get his fucking arm

This of all things is what spurs William into action “Where are you going?” he asks uncertainty

“Out” he hisses from where he's still crouched on the floor

He's startled by William reaching out to touch him

Henry shoots up from the floor, teeth bared

“William I swear to FUCK”

“Please don't go” the words are hushed and said with a desperation that unnerves him more than anything else. But the anger ever present is still there and still hot

“Why not?” he says breathlessly, a bared smile crosses his face “ unless you want to somehow explain?”

Williams face has turned to stone “ Explain what?” he says lowly.

Henry almost laughs but he instead walks over grabs his arm off the nightstand and turns to storm out.

“I dreamed of you” William says

Henry stops and stares

William is standing in the center of the room illuminated by the moonlight falling in from the window. As he watches he raises a hand to run it through his hair, a nervous tick that Henry hadn't seen from him in so long that he has to close his eyes against the rush of nostalgia so sweet it tastes like poison.

His gaze is fixed on the floor as he continues

“In that room, in the dark time ceased to be real” he says lowly “but” he hesitates for a second “sometimes I would dream”

Henry knows where this is going but he cant bring himself to say anything

“Sometimes I would dream of my children” as he says this a smile so soft and dreamlike crosses his face.

Henry looks away

“But in others” he walks forward as he says it “ I would dream of you, but in all my dreams you were always unchanging”

He's standing before him now and when he reaches out to touch him Henry doesn't move away

He traces his fingers over his face “ Sometimes in moments of quiet, I begin to think that none of this quite real, that I will blink and be staring at the same yellowed wall”

Henry finally raises his gaze to his partners

“ In all of them however, you were never within reach and never quite so warm”

#fnaf #fnaf au #fnaf fanart #william afton #henry emily #roomates au #unhealthy relationships??? is that even worth mentioning this entire fuckin series is one big unhealthy relationship including mine with it

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paragonrobits · 8 months ago

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there's been some real drama with that Youtuber I Hate and a youtuber whom i have come to greatly respect and honestly its been a delight seeing that youtuber i dont like going full circle on 'fuck around and find out' and apparently rapid-fire switching between constantly crying about being victimized and being a vicious and hateful person to apparently EVERYONE who interacts with her (follower or not) and it's a real case of a kind of internet personality i find exhausting but its made me realize a few things:

one is she apparently considers superhero comics an inherently Bad genre without artistic value (a bold statement coming from someone whose big media opinons are 'the entirety of Japan are man-children who do sex crimes' and 'i'm going to hate on these cartoons for not turning into a murder frenzy at the last second'). i'd say she's clearly never read Magneto's story arc under Claremont, or anything to do with the Morrison run on Doom Patrol (its artistic, demented, filled with coming to terms with horrific trauma, your own depersonalization, and also the primary antagonist is literal nonsense) or the famous story God Loves Man Kills but i ain't holding my breath

the second thing is that apparently she's under the belief that once you have been victimized, it excuses all your actions. This lines up with some common elements i've seen in fandom, especially those who fixate on villlains as the True Heroes, similar to some of my other thoughts on how people seem to tihnk a compelling/tragic origin justifies anything the character does. This is the mentality of completely divorcing a character's moral place in a narrative from their actions, and instead based on their victimhood. It really explains the whole idea i keep seeing there, and its something to address in my story concepts.

Third thing is more important, more profound. Its hard for me to articulate WHY people like this bother me so much; that they're so unrelentingly unpleasant, cruel to everyone around them, and even similar attitudes of people who are just casually rude. Even if there's no harm meant, you can just... not talk like that. You don't have to be mean with every single word you say, and you can resist the urge to turn every exchange or observation into an opportunity to sound like a smart ass; that's how you get stuff after James Earl Jones dies, you post pictures of Mufasa's death and then fail to understand why people are upset by you immediately making a joke about an inoffensive, much beloved voice actor who never did anything to you.

So i think about how to describe this... or perhaps how to AVOID this. How to talk and act in ways that's softer and doesn't hurt people for a quick joke or jibe, or acts like they can't understand why its wrong. And then I remember the game Undertale, where in the Pacifist route (the only route I've ever played), Sans will warmly tell a player who has actively refused to ever kill or hurt a single monster by saying that 'it just means you kept tenderness in your heart', and i think that's a good way to do it.

Just keep some tenderness in your heart. Let yourself be open and be gentle as much as you can. A thing that is tender ache when it hurts something or hits something pretty much at all, so its important to keep that tenderness so you DON'T hurt others too.

The world is sad and unpleasant enough as it is. You don't need to make things worse just so you can feel better about yourself.

#queued

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ceilidho · 1 year ago

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What do you see in poetry? Sorry if this is blunt, but sometimes I struggle to figure out what I'm supposed to do with poetry. Which I realize is probably illogical because poetry doesn't have to be interpreted or have meaning, or do anything. But, I don't know? You have such a wonderful collection, and I love listening to people talk about their passions (I am a sponge), so I was wondering if you'd share what you see in poetry?? What draws you to it? What it means to you?? I'm not sure. I'm sure each of these questions will take you somewhere else, but I definitely would not be upset to listen.

Okay, thanks! Love you and your writing (all of it, even the poetry I'm still trying to figure out how to appreciate)

hmmm i think something that puts a lot of people off poetry is that they feel like the language is unnecessarily complicated or obfuscating, like you need a degree or something to understand the poem's "meaning".

and while i do agree to an extent that some poems are more difficult to dig into than others (im sorry, i will never been a john ashbery fan for this exact reason) and developing the skill to appreciate good poetry does take some time and effort, like it's not an easy, instantaneous thing, i think the beauty of poetry is how it's able to use language in a roundabout way to get at and communicate very complex and nuanced parts of life/human culture.

i love reading poetry for the sheer beauty of language and seeing how it can be bent and twisted into new shapes that somehow still clearly communicate an emotion or a moment or an event. poetry is doing stuff with language that is just out of this world, like stuff you just can't get from prose. it's like quicksilver to me. sometimes something is just too hard to articulate in regular words, but you can get at the root of it by talking around it.

the pleasure of reading a really good poem is part trying to grasp the meaning and part just appreciating and enjoying the way the writer has crafted the language. and you don't have to even "get it" to love a poem - you could come back to it again and again and always take something new away from it.

i also don't think you have to force yourself to appreciate it because it doesn't happen instantaneously and sometimes it's just reading the right thing at the right time. it's like how i never got abstract art, used to actually think little of it, and then one day i came across cy twombly and i was like OH. I GET IT NOW!!!

this is my absolute favourite poem ever written like ever and still i come back to it and find something new and fresh and life changing. the first time i read this in university, i felt something in me just shift two inches to the right, like my whole world was just suddenly different.

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mymarifae · 9 months ago

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idk how to put this exactly but I 100% get what u mean. Sometimes a gacha game will somehow actually have good writing (like. Actually decent acknowledgement of real world issues that isn't perfect but shows CARE) and then it does something that just fucking puts a hole in your stomach for no fucking reason and it's like. It had no reason to do that and it fucking hurts to lose that little bit of faith u had. Sorry if this is written incomprehensiblely I hope. Idk I hope they fix that shit even if it's unlikely

oh no you misunderstand ! i wasn't upset yesterday because mizu5 was written badly. i was upset because it hit so fucking hard it sent me into a bit of a mental breakdown but we don't need to talk about that HAHAAAAAA

i still think it's bizarre to like. not immediately continue an event that quite literally removes a character from the game's "real world" and changes all of her menu sprites and voicelines. like wdym we have to go watch vbs beach episode after this (unless akito5 IS a continuation but that's highly unlikely...???????) . but the event itself did play out really well. and an event having a direct impact on the game's like... UI and shit is really cool and they should totally do this again sometime if the opportunity arises. it just hurt like a fucking bitch

i honestly do feel like the trans route is more likely than the cross-dresser route. after seeing. everything. i still don't know how to articulate it fully but just the specific way mizuki's classmates were talking about her. the "(she's) kinda cute if you ignore how weird (she) is" shit idr the exact comment... and the way they call ena a "normal" girl - meaning that even though they're actively misgendering her, they don't exactly see mizuki as a boy either, but instead as some kind of weird Other. a very apt representation of transmisogyny i'd say.

and just mizuki's reaction to ena finding out as a whole. the revelation that she wasn't really afraid of nightcord not accepting her - i think she knew they wouldn't exactly care. what really scared her was being looked at differently. nightcord was the first time she's been accepted into a group of people as just... a girl. not a trans girl. not a "girl who used to be a boy." she could just exist and be herself and no one's giving her any side eyes or whispering behind her back or walking on eggshells around her, because they don't know. they thought she was a cis girl, and having a space where she passes perfectly made her really happy. she was just scared of change. because like sometimes you come out to people and they do accept you (at least to your face) but YOU are no longer the first thing they see. they see your gender/sexuality first instead. and treat you differently because of that

IDK I'M RAMBLING but like. i feel a little more hopeful... this could still end badly but this feels so much more like a trans narrative than anything else. so far it's going well. it hurts a lot, but it feels real. i was just distraught because mizuki is such an important character to me and i wasn't like, emotionally prepared to see her in so much pain LOL 😭😭 i feel better and more normal about it now tho

#i still can't really look at scenes from this event or art related to it without feelign like i'm going to die. but. whatever #jwhgjbkbgkfjdkjg #mailbox

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rayan12sworld · 1 year ago

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💙A Thousand Things

By:tickertape

Summary:

Wei Ying can’t find his words. “What would I do in Gusu?”

The man’s mouth quirks in what Wei Ying cannot interpret as anything but a tiny, smug smirk. “Learn.”

Wei Ying has made a fine life for himself. He’s got his jiejies and his talismans; he doesn’t need anyone’s charity. But spending a whole year in Gusu? That’s hard to turn down.

Chapter:11/11

Words:108,237

Status:completed

(Wei Ying isn't adopted by Jiangs)

...Lan Qiren has been a teacher for many years; he’s seen his share of naturally gifted students. Wei Ying, the scruffy, arrogant, waspish boy from the marketplace, is something altogether different. He watches from a distance as his nephew and Wei Ying sit together at a table in the library, discussing a text on advanced meditation techniques. Wei Ying is slovenly, completely slouched over the book, gesticulating wildly. The end of his brush is gnawed on, his fingers ink-stained. His words are rapid, too loud. His hair is a mess. Wangji is watching him like he hung the moon. Despite himself, Lan Qiren also finds his gaze gravitating repeatedly towards the bright spark that has the usual Cloud Recesses balance spinning off-kilter. There’s something about him that’s difficult to look away from. Something familiar. His smile, his laugh, and something in the way he moves his hands as he writes. It sparks something deep in Lan Qiren’s memory. It isn’t until he watches him spar that suddenly things click into clearer focus. His quicksilver motions, instinctive and foxlike. Cangse Sanren.

he will know of his parents one day; Lan Qiren could not deprive him of that. But just for this year, he wants to watch and see. He could not articulate it if he tried, but he watched his brother be destroyed by their sect’s rules and agendas. He has seen good men dig their own righteous graves, and callous men abuse the integrity of others. Wei Ying has come from nothing, as far as he or the world knows, and to go from that to bearing the weight of all that came before him is more than Lan Qiren would wish on anybody. So when Jiang Fengmian visits to discuss trade treaties, Lan Qiren does not tell him. When he marvels at their new disciple’s capabilities in the field, Lan Qiren does not tell him. When he mentions blithely over dinner that the boy seems almost familiar, Lan Qiren does not tell him. He has a sense that, no matter how much his old friend may think himself balanced and impartial, the desire to guard and guide Cangse Sanren’s son would prove too much for him. It would just lock Wei Ying in the same cage of well-intended but misplaced expectations. Lan Qiren has been a teacher for many years; he’s seen his share of naturally gifted students, and he’s seen his share of tragedies, both the preventable and the inexorable. Wei Ying, the scruffy, arrogant, remarkable boy with too many ideas and too much heart, has the potential to be something altogether different. To watch how high he can soar without a tether, if just for the moment— it might be something to behold.

~~~ wow he really didn't tell him

Wei Ying makes it all the way to Destroy the five poisons before he can’t concentrate any more. He drops his brush onto the table with a clatter, exhaling loudly. “Trouble with the precepts, Lan Zhan?” Lan Zhan freezes, his eyes still cut towards Wei Ying. He gently lowers his brush onto the stand and adjusts his sleeves. “You… seem upset.” Wei Ying fights the urge to just punch himself in the face. “I’m tired.” This just sends Lan Zhan’s brows furrowing lower. “You didn’t come to the jingshi.” “I was out.” “Are you having difficulty sleeping due to nightma—” “No.” Wei Ying jolts the table, sending his brush tumbling to the floor. “And even if I was, it’s not your job to— to make me sleep, or whatever.” He breathes out hard through his nose, aiming for ‘calm’ and probably missing by about a thousand lǐ. Lan Zhan’s properly frowning now. “Wei Ying—” “Drop it, Lan Zhan. Finish your work.” But he doesn’t return to his text. “Wei Ying, whatever is upsetting you—” Yesterday’s hurt flares up in him in a burst. Lan Zhan’s words; It’s not about his conduct. It is about him. He does not belong here. Wei Ying grips the wooden table in front of him, trying not to raise his voice. “—is my business.” He finishes for him through gritted teeth. Lan Zhan reaches for him; too close, too much, too little, and that’s the last straw. Wei Ying slaps his hand away, the smack resounding loud and sharp in the stiff silence of the library.

~~ 🫠

“Wei Ying.” Ah, there he is. Wei Ying is pretty sure he’s heard his name spoken more times today than ever before. “Lan Zhan.” He responds dryly. There’s no response for a few breaths, and Wei Ying risks a glance. Lan Zhan’s dark hair is damp, curling at the ends, and there are tiny droplets of shining water caught on his eyelashes. He really seems like a jade sculpture. Unfairly beautiful. Lan Zhan worries at his lip, and Wei Ying watches that, too. “I have upset you.” He says, finally. Wei Ying exhales, breath furling out before him like dragon smoke. He wants to be angry. There’s so much burning up in him, but...Maybe Lingxin is right. “Yeah. Yes. You have.”

Lan Zhan nods, his gaze fixed on a point somewhere in the water between them. “I... admit that I do not know what I did, or have done. But I am sorry.” Wei Ying doesn’t know what to say— how much to say. “Thanks,” feels safest. Because no matter how good the advice was, he doesn’t want to talk about it. He just wants Lan Zhan to unsay it, unfeel it. Cold, fierce tension runs through him in jitters, locking his jaw painfully tight. Wanting is pointless. Lan Zhan did say those things. No amount of misinterpretation can make that an untruth. He turns away to hide his face, which he can feel contorting with emotion. He doesn’t want to think about this any more. But then Lan Zhan’s voice comes from beside him, painfully tentative. “Was— was it our conversation at the inn? Did I misspeak about your intentions towards cultivation?” Fuck. Lan Zhan had been so gentle with him on the balcony, more than he had needed to be towards someone putting such unnecessary strain on his life. Wei Ying shakes his head, feeling the corners of his mouth wobble. The cold is beginning to feel stifling. He needs to go to bed. “Was it about coming home?” Wei Ying’s heart clenches in his chest. He whips around, furious tears welling in his eyes. “Home?” He says, voice strained. “What home, Lan Zhan? You said I didn’t belong here.” Lan Zhan looks stricken. His eyes go wide. “I—” “I heard you speaking to your brother. Wei Ying is not a Lan. He will never be one. He doesn’t belong here. I heard you.” Lan Zhan stares, mouth agape. Wei Ying can’t stop. “It’s only until the conference, Wangji! I can’t— why? It’s one thing to feel like that, but to— to—?” He flails his arms, trying to find his point. “Just tell me that you think I’m worthless, that you hate me. It would have been easier.” His words break off with a crack, and he slams a fist into the water. Icy droplets splash miserably onto his face. He sniffs, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. The night sits still and frigid and still around them. It drains the last of Wei Ying’s anger, and he sinks into himself, feeling hollow and… sad. He’s sad. Hurt. He wants things to go back to the way they were.

~~~😭😭

“You kissed me.” In a whisper, barely leaving his tongue: “We kissed.” Lan Zhan freezes, and Wei Ying can hear the way his breath catches in his chest. The way the hand resting over his tenses. Shit. Shit, he’s ruined it. He has to backtrack— “It was silly, I—” “No.” Wei Ying bites his tongue with how hard his jaw snaps shut. “Not silly.” Lan Zhan says, and it comes out a bit choked. He seems to be scrabbling for words. His Lan Zhan, scrabbling. “I— I had thought I dreamt it.” Wei Ying feels time stop. Feels his world tilt a little bit, as Lan Zhan gazes imploringly at him. “It would not have been the first time.” And then, all in one breath, like it takes everything in him: “Kissing you is all I have ever wished to do, since we first met.” The air seems to leave the room in one big rush, taking the breath from Wei Ying’s lungs with it. Lan Zhan wanted to… kiss him? Lan Zhan wanted to kiss him. Has been wanting. Just like Wei Ying has been wanting. Except longer. Longer, Wei Ying realises as he watches the tense line of his brow and mouth, the dark intensity of his golden eyes as they search his face. Lan Zhan wanted to kiss him the night of the festival. And before. “All this time?” He whispers. Lan Zhan gives the faintest nod. He’s so beautiful. Even nervous, even when he’s radiating apprehension. Lan Zhan has been wanting. He’s been staring at Wei Ying’s mouth right back. Like Wei Ying, he’s been wondering how the wine would taste shared between their tongues, how his hands would feel reaching underneath Wei Ying’s robe, touching his bared skin. Heat rushes through him; a dam bursting over shallow fields, dancing over his body in goosebumps. Wei Ying parts his lips to call out for him, but Lan Zhan is already there, barely a breath away. He’s there and his face is so close that Wei Ying can smell him. Sandalwood and cool, clean linen. And a new note; deeper, muskier.

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