#the fact that i was expecting him not to be on s2 and suddenly SUDDENLY!!!!

[mrkdrama]

Squid Game S02 [ 오징어게임 ] (2024) — Wi Ha Joon as Hwang Jun Ho | dir. Hwang Dong Hyuk

[krisdreemurrs]

i could make a millions posts abt arcane and how impressive and meaningful season 1 was and how season 2 just butchers the interesting elements of the story entirely

i loved the previous interpretation of vander and silco not knowing the children they were taking in at all, it added so much weight. vander took vi and powder in because he felt responsible for what happened and silco took in powder because he related to her. implying that they adopted them because they were the kids of a friend cheapens the whole thing.

on the topic of vander, I really found it so cheesy how often they referred to him as their dad this season, especially when they never did in s1. and having jinxs relationship with him suddenly be so much closer just didn't make sense to me. in s1 powder seemed to respect him as an authority figure but she seemed to valued vi more as a guardian. maybe this can be chalked up to the fact that vander only had one scene with powder, but even then powder doesn't open to him like she does with vi. so having jinx suddenly be all affectionate with warwick seemed off but idk maybe that's just me. I also think warwick was handled badly tbh but w/e

moving on to vi and jinx. oh my god the way their arcs and relationship were shoved aside this season makes me want to cry. in s1 they had so much agency. the things vi and jinx did would ripple through the rest of the plot. I came into s2 expecting them to be doing the absolute most but they were so passive. it felt vi kinda just goes with whatever the plot wanted instead of how in s1 it felt like her actions shaped the plot, if that makes sense. and the way jinxs hallucinations are like barely they anymore?? in ep 9 of s1 it's heavily implied that the shimmer surgery made her paranoia and hallucinations worse but in s2 she's kind of just depressed and cold, nothing like the slightly erratic and manic girl she was in s1. dropping a kid on her and making her mellow out so much was kinda corny and I mourn s1 jinx everyday.

[troublesomesnitch]

The Devil You Know

Aemond x Septa!Reader - Pt. 2

Little follow-up to this, but hopefully works OK on its own! There might be a third and final part also.

Contents: Book!Aemond, filth and depravity. Coercion, manipulation, power imbalance, dubious consent, medieval fuckboy Aemond. Just the tip...

Words: 3200

Full disclosure - possibly a bit unpolished because I wanted to get it done before S2.

-

You left the grand sept just days after your investiture. 

At noon on the first day of the new month, a royal courier came to fetch you, loading your meagre belongings onto a cart to bring both that and yourself to the castle. To your new home and abode: a chamber with one bed, one table and one little chair, one sconce and one seven-pointed star on the wall. Naturally in the servant’s quarters, but on the highest floor, along with the ladies’ maids, far away from the damp cellars and busy kitchens.

The queen’s household is large, and you are somewhere in the middle of the hierarchy; expected to follow orders, but able to give them, too. You are a septa now, a woman grown, and for the first time in all of your life you have no Mother Superior to answer to, no Septon Alester, and no other girls sharing your bedchamber - which is both a blessing and a curse. It is nice and quiet to be by yourself, free of prying eyes and Sister Sybella’s snoring. But no one pays notice when you slip out at night, and if you run into a maid or steward, they naturally assume that you are headed towards Her Grace or Princess Helaena’s chambers. 

Luckily, Prince Aemond’s rooms are in roughly the same direction. 

When others are near, he is perfectly honourable. Really, his performance is quite impressive. Not too eager, not too distant, perfectly measured when he greets you in the halls, or sits with his mother in her solar. But at night, at night he is different. When the hour grows late and the royal family say their goodnights, he will find a chance to strike, to brush past you and squeeze your wrist, or run his fingers over the small of your back to let you know that he wishes to see you. That he wants you to come to him tonight. 

To his chamber, to his bed, to his arms. 

It is a humiliating plight, and you climb the steps of Maegor’s Holdfast with all the enthusiasm of a convict walking to the scaffold. Weighed down by the guilt of your actions, terrified that someone should know. And resentful, of the prince for making you dishonour your vows, and of the gods for cursing you with beauty - had they made you ugly, Prince Aemond would never have spared you a glance, and you would not be in this predicament. You would not be forced to indulge his lusts and endure the liberties he takes with your body. 

But most of all, worst of all, you feel ashamed. Of all the things you do together, and of the fact that you cannot deny it does sometimes bring you pleasure, too. 

You have permitted him to kiss your mouth, your throat, your chest. Wrapped your hands  around his member and stroked it while he fondled your breasts. Let him lie on top of you and rut against you, still fully clothed, pressing hard between your legs until both of you were sweaty and panting. And once, only once, you let him slip his hand up under your skirts and touch you there, and it felt more wonderful than anything else you have ever experienced. So wonderful that you have not allowed him to do it again, for fear that it should corrupt your soul and spirit. That you will always crave it, the warm press of his fingers, and the way your body suddenly shook and tightened with a pleasure so exquisite you could not help but cry out in ecstasy. 

But he has never had you. Never put any part of himself inside you, never even seen your naked body. It is the strangest thing - there are surely many ladies who would give themselves to him, wholly and fully, yet for some reason, he wants only you.

And he does not waste time with any sort of pleasantries. The joys of night are short, and he can only keep you for so long - you must be back in time to rest, and at the very least before the scullions and kitchen maids rise. You have hardly latched the door before he wraps you in his longing arms, laying you on his bed and parting your legs. The sheets are soft against your back, and his leathers are smooth and cool, and you do not protest when he lays on top of you. You have grown used to the feel of his chest against yours, the heaviness of him, and the hard and lean lines of his body, so different from your own. You have grown used to his kisses too. You like it when he pecks gently at your lips, and when he slides his tongue into your mouth and curls it around your own. When he strokes your body in all sorts of ways, to see what darling little noises he can coax from you this time. 

“Have you ever been touched like this before?” he breathes - a silly question, since he knows the answer well enough already. 

“No,” you whisper. “Never.”

“Say it again,” he commands, closing his eye and breathing in deeply, pressing his nose to your sweet-smelling hair. 

“No other man has ever touched me - only you.” 

It arouses him very much, hearing those words, and he groans softly when he takes your hand and guides it down between your bodies. Knowing what he wants you to do, you hike your skirts up, just enough to run your own fingers along the folds of your womanhood and hold them up for him to taste. Which he does with the most fervent passion, sighing as he licks them clean of any trace of you. He has asked many times to be allowed to taste your sweetness from its source, but you have staunchly refused, appalled at the mere suggestion. He should not press his mouth to such a dirty place. He should not lick something that serves only the body’s most revolting and shameful functions. 

Usually, once he has kissed you like this for a while, and pressed and rubbed against you, he will either reach his end from that alone, or he will make you pleasure him with your hands. But not tonight. 

“Let me feel you,” he pants. “Just this once let me put it inside - ”

“It is a sin,” you gasp, mortified, but nonetheless shivering when he pulls at your sleeve, exposing your shoulder to cover it with kisses. 

“As is this,” he whispers. “And this, and this - ”

His mouth is lovely and warm on your skin, and his teeth are gentle when they scrape along your throat, nibbling softly above your neckline, and biting down hard below it. Making your breathing uneven as you struggle to string your words together. 

“But it is different - you know that it is, please don’t make me do it…”

The prince lifts his head to look at you, propped up on his elbow. 

“It is the movements that are the most sinful part of the act - is it not?” he says, cupping your face and stroking your cheek in the tenderest of ways. When you nod, he adds, “and if I were to not perform them, would that not be a lesser sin?”

His tone is innocent enough, but you know that wicked look in his eyes, the self-assured draw of his mouth. He knows that he is right - it is the movements, not the insertion itself that makes the act of coupling so sinful. And if he showed restraint and did not move in any such manner, then you suppose it would be a lesser sin. Although they did not mention such possible circumventions in your training, naturally. And there are other issues, still. 

“But my maidenhead…” you mutter, looking bashfully to the side when the prince touches his nose to yours. 

“I will be gentle,” he breathes. “I will be so very gentle - my angel, my love - let me at least have you this way… ”

It never really is your choice to make. To be alone with the prince is to balance on a precarious ledge - you can deny him some things, but only so long as you can offer something else that might appease him. And though he never makes overt threats, you are painfully aware that displeasing him could have dire consequences. That he could hurt you in a multitude of ways if he so wished. 

You squirm under his gaze, riddled with so many conflicting emotions; fearful of his intentions, yet blushing at the terms of endearment. Who would not want to hear such lovely words from a prince?

“Just this once,” he whispers, his voice soft and amorous. Just this once…

All you give him is the faintest nod, a slight incline of your head, and his hands are already pushing at your skirts, bunching them up over your parted knees. His breath hitches at the sight of your womanhood, your most intimate parts that you have never bared to him before; wet and inviting, framed by soft curls. Lovelier than he had ever even imagined, that rosy colour of your innermost lips, that little pearl you will not let him touch. And most of all your maidenhead, the delicate tissue that partially covers your entrance, and that he will earnestly try not to damage beyond what is necessary. 

For reasons he could not say, you have quite enchanted him. So much so that he has lavished more patience and tenderness on you than ever before on a woman, and that despite seeing so little return on the investment. For weeks he has contented himself with just your hand and your reluctant kisses, the mere feel of your body beneath him. Many times, he could have taken you by force, and many times he wanted to, yet somehow he could not bring himself to do it, could not bear the thought that you should hate him for it. That your delicate limbs should be hurt in trying to fight him off. 

He has waited long for this, and he does not want to give you time to change your mind, so he only quickly shrugs off his doublet and unbuttons his breeches to free his manhood. Which is painfully hard and in dire need of relief.

It still looks so strange to you, that unholy appendage, with its swollen shaft and its fat, fleshy head. Like the poisonous mushrooms that grow in the Kingswood, though you always keep that thought to yourself - you doubt the prince would appreciate such a childish comparison. He strokes it slowly while his other hand disappears between your legs, brushing over your womanhood and spreading your folds to reveal your little opening. Untried, uncharted by anything or anyone. 

You grit your teeth when the tips of his fingers are replaced by - something else. 

Slowly, steadily, he begins to ease himself inside of you, and you feel your muscles instantly and unwittingly tensing up, startled at the sensation. At the pressure, and at the sound the prince makes when the tip of his member is enveloped by your body, the tight rim of your entrance squeezing its sensitive head. The rest of him will not fit, but he spits into his palm and strokes it along his shaft, and that makes things glide a little better, as do your slow, deliberate breaths. 

It hurts, it really does, only not in the way you expected. You do not so much feel like anything is being torn or ripped - rather, you feel stretched, forcibly split apart and opened far beyond what should be possible. Your insides burn from it, and you wince with pain when he adjusts his position, spreading your thighs wider and driving his hips forward. Pressing in until he is fully seated. 

And he moans from how perfect you feel around him. So soft, so tight. His seeing eye closes and his breathing is hoarse, strained from how badly he needs to move, needs to thrust; his arms trembling by the sides of your head as he struggles to hold himself still. It is a bizarre thing to do, you think, just laying together like this, one on top of the other, completely motionless. Your legs raised over his hips, his chin resting against your forehead. His manhood swelling within you, throbbing with need. You can only hope it means that he will finish quickly and release you from this chore, from the searing pain that scorches your core, and the feeling of being so trapped, so tethered. Much like one of the many-legged creatures on Princess Helaena’s wall; splayed out and nailed down, held in place by a foreign object piercing your body. 

But the prince likes it. You have never heard such heavy sighs from him as just now, never seen such utter bliss on his face. His forehead is damp with sweat, his brows drawn together, his upper lip subtly twitching. One of his hands trails up the back of your naked thigh, lifting your leg to curl it around his back, and he moans from that too, as the slight shift gives him a brief feeling of movement. It is not at all comfortable for you, but you are distracted when he seeks your lips, claiming your mouth with slow, deep kisses. His tongue rolls over yours, pulling back to lick along your lip before plunging into your mouth again, over and over, in a strangely repetitive way. A rhythmic way. As if he is making love to your mouth, since he cannot make love to your body. 

It feels lovely, so lovely that it makes your insides twitch. Which in turn makes the prince curse, and a violent shudder run through his body. 

“Do it again,” he moans, and like always you do your best to please him. Clenching your muscles, squeezing tight around him, then releasing again. Very slowly, and each time feeling his breathy gasp against your face, and the thrum of a heartbeat inside of you - whether his or yours, you cannot say. It is painful with your already sore muscles, and it must be a poor excuse for what it is supposed to mimic, but it is still better than nothing, judging by how the prince moans. How he bites his lip and furrows his brow as your insides twitch and contract, so tight and slick and warm. 

How strange to think that now you have become one. Now you are as close as two people can ever be. Closer still when the prince slithers his arm underneath your body, pressing you hard against him and cradling your head. Your fingers are clenched in the damp material of his shirt, and he unfurls them gently to wrap your arms around his neck, around his shoulders; wanting you to hold him, to embrace him as a woman should her lover. 

It makes your discomfort somewhat more bearable, having something to cling and anchor yourself to. The closeness, and the intimacy of it, how his face is right above yours, your noses touching and breaths mingling. He drags his mouth against your own, from side to side, his lips brushing over yours, then over the rest of your face; your chin, your cheekbones, your temples. So, so gently, and like often before, you are stunned that he can be both so cruel and so tender with you. So selfish, and so soft. 

He has had countless chances to force himself on you, yet he never did. Even now he is keeping his promise, holding back, fighting hard to not succumb to that most powerful and natural instinct of a man, this urge to thrust, to copulate. You can feel that he is shivering with the force of his need, gritting his teeth, unable to keep completely still - there is a gentle, almost imperceptible swaying of his body that he cannot help, an impossibly slow rocking with each of his ragged breaths. 

He really is beautiful, you think, with his striking eyes and thick, silvery hair; pink lips parted in a breathy sigh. You could not say what possessed you to be so bold, but you find yourself reaching up to place a wet, lingering kiss underneath his jaw, right on top of the constellation of freckles that adorns his neck, swiping your tongue across it and tasting the sweat of his skin. To an almost immediate effect - at the feeling of your timid caresses, the prince curses loudly, clenching his fingers in the sheets, arching his back - 

“No!” you exclaim, “not inside me, not inside - ”

But it is too late; he has already shuddered once, and his manhood is already pulsing and spurting when he manages to withdraw from you. So stiff that it flops up against his stomach, a grotesque thing to look upon, the way it just hangs there, squirting out semen as he groans and gasps. At the very end of his rapture he grasps it with one hand, stroking it hard all the way from the base to the tip, as though wanting to squeeze out every last bit of fluid. And once he is spent, he rolls off of you and onto his back, completely unceremoniously. Leaving you raw and hurting inside, and with the sticky feeling of his semen trickling out between your thighs. 

“If it catches,” you whisper, afraid to even speak the words. “If I should be with child…”

The prince runs a hand over his face, panting and still too lightheaded to be thinking clearly, because he stupidly tells you that needn’t worry, he will have a tea brought to you -

“No! please no,” you shriek, panicked. “They would know I broke my vows - ”

“Then I will bring it myself,” he snaps, but rather than reassure you, his harsh tone only makes you tear up.

At the sigh of your quivering mouth, his face softens, and he reaches out to pull you into his arms, hold you against his chest, stroke your hair and rock you gently. Say forgive me, forgive me, I quite forgot myself, you mustn’t cry, my love -

“Why must you torment me,” you sob. “Sooner or later someone will know, they will shame me and ruin me - “

“They wouldn’t dare,” he says. “I would not let them - I will cut off any hand that hurts you - “

You press your ear to his chest to drown out the sound of his voice, for he has said these same words many times before, and with the same fervour and poignancy. He adores you, he reveres you, he will cut off any hand that hurts you, any eye that ogles you, any tongue that slanders your name. 

You haven’t the courage to tell him - the only hand that hurts you is his own. 

Please feel free to come into my asks or DMs with critique of my fics! Constructive is preferred, but not required.

Tags. @ladythornofrivia, @blackswxnn, @hightpwer, @toodlesxcuddles, @arcielee

@targaryen-madness, @qyburnsghost

And thank you @aemondsbabygirl for being a great one-woman focus group!

[foxxieskies]

The way Ein is treated in PDH S2 is genuinely so frustrating as someone who loves to pick apart characters and their mindsets.

This first section is built on speculation, but I feel like it’s heavily implied that the all-werewolf school he transferred from was very traditional in the way they handled pack politics and daily life. Sniffing people upon first meeting, strict adherence to werewolf rules and customs, how confused and/or uncomfortable he gets when things are settled in a more “human” manner, etc. Like how the fuck is he meant to know things don’t work that way there…? They keep throwing curveball after curveball at him and getting mad when he doesn’t react like everyone else. And it’s not like any of the other werewolves were gonna explain to him how things work at their school considering they all hate him, and Aphmau can’t help with that either because she’s absolutely fucking clueless about the culture she’s shoved herself into and doesn’t bother explaining to him why she leads the way she does outside of “this is how I do things!”. He suddenly went from a very rigid form of the pack system to this weird, mixed-up version, not to mention suddenly going from an all-werewolf school to one with students of all kinds of different races(?) with no adjustment period. Moving schools is already a difficult process for kids but I can only imagine something like that would make it a million times harder. Especially with no support from your peers.

Also I’m sorry but I do not feel fucking bad for Dottie, Daniel, and Rylan having to pick one of them to be the omega. Love them but they didn’t give two shits about bullying and isolating the omega until it got turned around on them and they realized it wasn’t fun being harassed. Maybe I’m just a petty bitch but if I was in Ein’s position and I could get back at someone who bullied me by putting them in my place I would do it too. “Oh well he went too far with it!” I don’t fucking care! He is a 15 year old child who suddenly went from being hated and harassed by his entire community to being in charge of all of them within a day. Obviously it’s going to get to his head. OBVIOUSLY he’s going to do stupid shit because he feels suddenly untouchable. I’m not going to blame a child for not being mature enough to responsibly lead an entire group of like a hundred other children or handle his emotions properly!

Anyway, proceeding to show Aaron keeping his role as omega instead of picking one of those three to make Ein look like an unreasonable asshole was also just an insane thing to witness cuz how on gods green earth was he supposed to know he could do that. The teacher’s reaction in the flashback shows plain as day that that is not something that’s happened before and it’s not like he told Aphmau or Ein they were allowed to do that so how the fuck was he supposed to know that was possible. And it’s not like he was even in the wrong for picking an Omega in the first place because he was LITERALLY TOLD TO. “Oh it’s different bc those three are pups! They can’t defend themselves!” and yet the weakest members of the pack are ALWAYS candidates to be the Omega? You can’t tell us werewolf rules and then expect us to think Ein is in the wrong for adhering to them, that’s fucking stupid.

And, a little bit of a tangent, the fact that the scene of Ein telling Kai he can’t compete to be the werewolf alpha is framed in a way to make it seem like EIN is the one in the wrong is actually fucking bonkers. Kai is not apart of that culture. He has no fucking right trying to insert himself in their politics let alone LEAD them. Ein was completely justified in telling him to fuck off no matter his intentions. Sorry not sorry.

And, love Jess to bits, not trying to come for her, but the entire “Ein was manipulating Aphmau all along” twist was fucking stupid. It relies almost entirely on you watching Emerald Secret alongside it in order for it to not be obviously out of left field. And I’m sorry but if you need to watch an entirely different series for your twist to work, it fucking sucks. The only actual hint toward it is the other wolves being weirded by him but even then it’s implied that’s because he’s 1. A transfer from a different pack and 2. The omega??? So it’s like okay what else do we have. Him finding Aphmau being the alpha as a human weird? Okay well that’s not a hint either cuz it literally IS weird considering she is not apart of their culture. Him insisting Kai can’t compete to become the alpha? Also not a hint because YEAH THATS FUCKING CRAZY???? Not to mention there is no 15yo on this planet who is that good at manipulation. Sorry but it’s true. I think the plot would’ve worked a lot better if they’d gone the “power corrupts’ route instead of the “secret evil master manipulator” route. But yk we can’t have TOO many people sympathizing with our villain, or else they might realize a grown man coming back to beat up this high school sophomore is fucked up! Speaking of.

The fact that we, as the audience, are supposed to see Aaron, a grown man, sneaking into the school in a stolen uniform, beating the shit out of this 15yo child because he tried to sabotage his relationship with another 15yo (which like, technically a dick move but also get away from that little girl), and then throwing one of the kids who is SHOWN to have bullied Ein out with him to make it look like he did it, and view that as a GOOD THING is actually horrific. Aaron gets a pass for this and all the other weird or straight up awful shit he does but god forbid Ein step one foot out of line or else he’ll suffer the narrative’s wrath!

And then he gets manipulated and exploited by a literal demon from hell and somehow he is still the devil! Yeah man! Whatever!

Anyways, rant over. I hate this series and this fandom for the way they treat Ein and refuse to see the nuance in his character.

[starvu]

My Heart Won't Start Anymore || s. reid

where you were always, always there for spencer, but after what happened with maeve you couldn't handle it anymore, you felt betrayed

pairing: spencer reid x bau member!gn!reader

genre: fluff, angst/hurt

content warnings: mention of spencer's addiction, mention of his being shot in the knee, reader was once shot in the stomach, mentions of blood, fairly graphic description of maeve's death, maeve wasn't spencer's girlfriend, but they had feelings, that's for sure, bitter ending (inspired by "you're losing me" ts)

word count: 9,1k

a/n: i described the whole line from s2 to s8 here, i didn't even know i could write that much lol. and i haven't written that much yet, it was a bit of a weird concept and i couldn't put everything into words, but I wanted to write it so much (i suck at dialogue, sorry). i spent like nine hours today only in notes app and writing this, im kinda insane. i won't be posting any more work this year, so i hope your new year will be happy 😽

~

You would never have thought it would end like this. No, no... no. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

No.

You were always each other's support, comfort, comfort. When you joined the BAU, you were just a young girl, full of ambition and hope, joyful and smiling with sprinkles in your eyes, but also a lost girl. Lost in a new environment and new circumstances.

No need to mention that you were a people pleaser who only wanted to be noticed... right?

Of course, you were prepared for such a job, but damn, you didn't expect this. What they learned in training and at the academy was nothing compared to what you had been working on since day one. Theory was just a sliver of practice, yes, it was brutal, but in real work, the same theory seemed like a sugar-coated story with sprinkles. It didn't connect in any way.

But Spencer wanted to help you. He really, genuinely wanted to help you. He wasn't that much older, well, no, you were the same age, actually. He wasn't overly effusive or outgoing, but he wanted you to settle in, and you appreciated that. He was awkward, very awkward, more interested in facts than people, and not really good at social interactions, and your good attitude made him a little intimidated when he first saw you and you eagerly greeted him, introducing yourself.

He wasn't sure what you would find nice and was afraid of imposing, so he did little things like bring you fresh coffee from that not-so-great coffee machine, sometimes gave you little tips about team members, sometimes helped you when your casework was limited to sifting through tedious piles of files tied with string, the letters already shimmering before your eyes and blurring into black spots.

That's why when he went through his own hell, held captive by Tobias Hankel and drugged, you felt the need to help him. You couldn't explain it, but... no, you could actually explain it. You always wanted to help everyone and spread your smile. A smile that didn't fit the job, a smile that was the opposite of the brutality you saw in the job, and only that smile allowed you to keep your sanity.

Hey, do you know that you'll even lose your spark and the twinkle in your eyes?

You felt plain, simple, and human sympathy for him. His addiction problem was one of those ignored ones. You all swept it under the rug, almost like the whole team suddenly had blinkers on and lived in a conspiracy of silence, even if you didn't state it out loud. That just hadn't happened in the history of this team, even if you had noticed Spencer's daily highs. There was nothing wrong with the young genius's mind, after all. More or less.

You hadn't known him very long, but you knew it had little to do with his everyday behavior. Even if you only knew him for a few months before, he couldn't act like this and you noticed that everyone outside the team noticed his behavior as well, which Hotch could always justify because 'Dr. Reid isn't at his best right now'.

Funny how reputation and lack of complications from the people above were more important than Reid's well-being.

Funny how Reid's well-being has become more important to you than your own.

You acted somewhat on your own, you tried to help Spencer, even if he rejected help, he was elusive. He closed himself off, he practically dismissed his problem on his own. And maybe you were a little intrusive, yes, you were aware of it, but how else were you supposed to act in such a situation?

And surprisingly, you succeeded. He didn't look kindly on your actions, but he stopped dismissing you coldly. Your actions were happening behind the team's back, you didn't want to expose yourself as a newbie to something that wouldn't be approved of. If this whole situation is going on behind the backs of the people at the top, why couldn't you go behind the backs of the team?

You took care of him, at least as much as he allowed you. You didn't want to overdo it, but you tried. You didn't force him to do anything, but you still tried everything that could replace the dilaudid, you spent more time with him than was appropriate just to distract him from needing another dose. and when he stopped taking the drug, you were there to help him through the withdrawal symptoms, although withdrawal was the hardest. You were understanding and respected him despite everything, even if it was a difficult and overwhelming experience. You could say that it left a mark on you, however you wouldn't admit it. You just piled on the stress and nerves. It wasn't easy by any means, but you didn't have the heart to leave him.

You never had the heart to leave him.

Or at least that's what you thought.

Anyway, you were there for him.

~

He also felt a spark of sympathy for you when you cared so much for him, because you didn't let up or ignore the problem. He finally felt a little different, other than a drugged-up piece of trash. Someone really wanted to be with him, to suffer especially for him and at some point with him.

You knew that a spark of understanding was being born between you over the years. A spark of something warm, like friendship. Your friendship was close, there was something special and magical about it. He trusted you. He trusted you and opened up to you, he felt exposed to his emotions but he didn't feel bad about it. It wasn't often that he felt this way about anyone, you were important to him.

Sometimes Penelope joked that you were glued together, because wherever Spencer was, you were too, within a radius of a few meters and no further. If you think about it, the sweet, sweet technical analyst wasn't wrong at all, in fact, she was right. Likewise, Derek, who would laugh and sometimes tease you about your glued hips, you dismissed it as bullshit.

You were sitting in her darkened computer lab, your seat was a little lower, so you rested your head on the desk. The quiet hum of computers came from the computer lab. You didn't have much work, so you sat together and talked about things that helped you forget about the hardships and darkness of work for a while. You matched each other with your rather cheerful personalities. You were sipping from plastic cups through colorful straws some overly sweet tea that Penelope had brought earlier. You weren't even sure what kind of tea it was, some brewed herbs with a lavender aftertaste. In any case, it was tasty.

You laughed. "Pen no. There's no match here..."

She stared at you with clear disappointment and determination, she interrupted you suddenly. "Listen, it's in the stars. I beg you, can't you feel it?"

You shook your head slightly. "Penelope. I really love you and appreciate you, but this is a bunch of bullshit. What kind of match in the stars? Just because you, as a fetus, decided to be born on this day and not another, doesn't mean you have a fantastic love match with anyone." You took a sip of tea, but you were still staring at the blonde analyst.

"I'm not just talking about the stars here. It's the whole match, similar vibes, agreement and..." She continued to justify herself when Spencer suddenly entered the computer room with two warm coffees.

"Garcia, there's extra foam and vanilla syrup for you." He put the coffee on the desk. "Here." He looked at you. "They didn't have any almond milk, so I got lactose-free." He put down the second coffee and looked at you apologetically. "Is it okay?"

You just nodded slightly with a warm smile. "Yes, thank you."

Garcia watched your interaction, then took a sip of coffee, she finished her tea earlier. "It's still warm!" She interrupted enthusiastically, and Spencer nodded with her lips pressed into a line, a sign of confirmation.

After a moment he was gone from the computer room, leaving he made his awkward gesture waving at you with his hand, or rather sticking it out motionlessly, and you followed him with your eyes to the door.

On Penelope's face there was an incomprehensible, slightly too wide smile, she looked at you with excitement. "Oh God, it's look of love! Real look of love!"

You sighed. "No, it's not."

"Yes, it is." She continued to chatter happily, not straying from this topic even for a moment.

Penelope believed in the emotional tension between you, personality matching, and other such endearing things that you didn't quite believe in. You hated breaking the worldview of your favorite glitter and pink analyst.

~

When Spencer was shot in the knee and temporarily annihilated, you also tried to help him, although you were more likely to scold him then. What kind of brainless person wanted to ignore all doctor's orders just to fly with the rest of the team to the crime scenes. Second opinion? More like mindless, idiotic and stupid chatter. You wanted to hit him in the back of the head every time he tried to figure out how to avoid being grounded any longer, and even his doctorate couldn’t convince you to implement gentler measures. You didn't have the strength to fight him and you wanted to shoot him in the knee again, but it was out of concern, as strange as it might sound.

But despite his thoughtlessness, you were there for him then too.

~

You could say that you spent a lot of time together, often aimlessly, you could sit up all night and talk nonsense and in the end Spencer would let you drink coffee from his mug, and after difficult cases he was the one who tried to comfort you, your radiance and optimism could not be eternal and unwavering, and you baked his favorite cookies with brown sugar and sea salt. It was as if his worries suddenly disappeared, he spoke freely about whatever interested him without being suddenly silenced or dismissed, and strangest of all, even his aversion to germs was then a secondary matter.

You didn't see anything special about it, unlike anyone else around you. Yeah, you were a bit blinded by each other and sometimes the rest of the team felt like they were just getting in the way when they were around you. They felt like they were intruding on your little moments, your exchanges of glances and incomprehensible gestures.

They all felt that something happening, except you two.

And did it bother anyone? It was fine as it was.

Four years just flew by and you changed, not for the worse, change doesn't have to be bad... or something. You couldn't have peace. Day by day you felt more and more strange, not like usual, definitely not like usual, something was wrong, why were you suddenly stressed by his presence, and why did your nerves almost always get the better of you? You didn't show it, but this feeling started to annoy you. And you were a bit excluded, because there was one thought you didn't even consider, it didn't get into your tangle of thoughts, it just didn't. Or maybe it got into the center of your thoughts, and you cleverly avoided it with full awareness? Either way, when one day at work you were staring at him with your chin resting on your hand, probably looking at him from every possible and potential angle, a sudden realization finally hit you.

Oh.

oh.

It was a little different from friendship. Okay, maybe it was very different from friendship. You missed him faster than you thought, you almost felt anxious when he wasn't around and and you felt those nerves when he appeared next to you and you wanted his unwavering attention and you tried to justify it in every way, as friendship, friendly concern, natural nervous reaction towards loved ones, friendly... blah, blah, blah.

You felt attached to Spencer Reid and infatuated with him. To the same Specter who supported you from the beginning, he remembered what your favorite coffee was, he remembered the little details that made you you, showed you care in the same way you showed him care, he wasn't tired of you usually being full of energy and a little too emotional and were your precious friends. You couldn't say you expected it, but you couldn't say you didn't either.

You were in trouble.

Technically, you didn't have to tell him, but on the other hand you had a hard time keeping your mouth shut. You had to work up the courage to tell him. For God's sake, for half a year you'd felt like throwing up just thinking about that conversation. This could be good, or you could have ruined everything. You couldn't be sure he felt the same way, maybe he was just nice (and the fact that your stomach was tingling and your throat was dry and you just wanted to grab his stupid face and kiss it until you couldn't breathe was a side effect). Too nice. Being nice was never a bad thing, but it made you unable to fully read his intentions.

With shame in your mind, you admitted to yourself that you were observing him much more closely than usual, to investigate his behavior, no matter how stupid it seemed. This case really made an idiot out of you.

One night you were staring at the ceiling in your not too big bedroom and exchanging meaningless conversations, as he carefully ran his long fingers through your hair and occasionally glanced at you. There was a lamp on the nightstand, which gave off a rather shady, flickering light. You should have replaced that bulb. The rest of the light coming into the bedroom was the moonlight, carefully trying to get in through the window, thanks to the open curtains and blinds. The bright moonlight was more shy, though.

You finally, with heavy heart decided to talk to him about it.

This wasn't a good idea, trust me.

You tried to play it cool, even as you swallowed hard and your shaking hands were hidden only by the dim light of your bedroom.

"Umm... Spence." The usual certainty suddenly disappeared from your voice. “You know, there’s this thing.”

He immediately turned his head towards you, now in addition to his unwavering attention you had his gaze as well. "Did something serious happen?" He wasn't the best at talking about emotions, but, as befits a profiler, he read them well.

"Not really. I mean, yes, but no." You swallowed hard. "Depends."

He didn't want to rush you, force you to talk or annoy you. "Okay, no rush." Despite that, he felt a growing curiosity and a bit of stress. You rarely took that tone.

Suddenly you felt his hand no longer in your hair. Instead, he squeezed your hand gently in his, assuring you that everything was okay. The gesture, combined with your nerves, made you feel like you might as well cry. It was a gesture that you had considered nice and didn’t object to, but now it was confusing you even more.

It was now or never.

“I think I love you. No, it's not 'I think', I’m convince. Yeah, I'm convince."

Pretty nice, but you won't be the only one saying it.

He didn’t answer right away, only because he always had the feeling he’d ruin everything the moment he started talking about feelings. But he squeezed your hand tighter and didn’t take his eyes off you, his hazel, puppy eyes fixed on you. His voice lacked confidence, he hesitated for a moment, he asked quietly. "Can I?" You nodded slightly, almost imperceptibly.

After a moment, you felt his lips on yours. It was soft, tender and sweet. You had waited so long for this, and his absolute gentleness and feelings melted your heart without the slightest problem. You felt like you were the only people in the world, especially since everything around you was quiet and calm that night, practically intimate without the actual intimacy. Life just happened and you were somewhere in between, not in a rush. You always had to be rushing somewhere after all.

The conclusion from his actions was one. He felt the same way. You thanked all the gods and heavens for that. You didn't even want to think about the disaster that would happen if he didn't reciprocate your feelings and you had to keep working together, not to mention the tragic ending of your friendship. But at that moment, besides your still shaking hands, something else was hiding in the darkness - a smile on your face.

Maybe everything wasn't supposed to be so bad.

Oh sweet child, what a stupid impression.

~

It wasn't until you became a couple that you realized how little had changed in your relationship. You weren't sure if it was just too romantic before or too platonic now, but it was pretty much the same thing, with the added bonus of showing affection. Your relationship was built on all these little things and there was never a moment when your heart stopped feeling warm. You were really, really happy with the way things were.

For a short moment you regained some of the sparkle in your eyes, take advantage of it.

If Derek had talked about having your hips glued together before, it was hard to say what it could be called now. It wasn't that you were blabbing about your relationship left and right, in fact the fact that your relationship had even happened had stayed between you for a few weeks. You spent a few evenings off from work wondering what to do with the new label of this relationship. Telling Hotch was one option, and keeping it a secret and hiding it in every way possible was another. Both had their pros and cons, because in theory, a relationship between agents wasn't necessarily indicated, so it was more reasonable to admit it than to have him find out later on his own. Hiding it was also reasonable, considering the nature of your work, the dangerous nature, the possibility that someone might use it someday. Well, you didn't come up with a solution right away.

The fact that Spencer would bring you coffee every morning, or the exchange of small smiles, and the fact that you would sit on the edge of his desk while you talked wasn't anything out of the ordinary. It had happened even before there was anything like a relationship between you.

After a few weeks, you decided and went to Hotch to sort it out and not expose yourselves to any unpleasantness related to your new relationship - a relationship between two agents. Potential risk? Hard to say. But maybe it was better to explain it to him honestly, like adults. After all, it was inadvisable, but not forbidden either.

Spencer squeezed your hand in comfort and leaned towards you. "It'll be okay." The warmth of his hand helped a little and brought you back to earth.

"I take you for granted. And you better be right." You turned to face him for a moment. That sounded like one of your joking threats to Spencer. It wasn't the least bit funny to you at the time.

You entered Hotch's office first, with Spencer right behind you. He was on the phone, but quickly put it away. You took a breath. When his gaze landed on you, you still wanted to turn around, run away, hide and hide. But it was too late. You turned your head slightly towards Spencer. And then you wandered with your gaze wherever you could.

To your surprise, the conversation with Hotch was so... ordinary. You felt quite surprised by this turn of events. None of your theories had panned out. Besides, they had no chance of panning out, it was impossible. You loved to imagine a million versions of a single event in your head, and mostly the worst versions. It clashed with your optimism.

Or maybe that optimism was fading anyway.

You noticed out of the corner of your eye through the window of Hotch's office that Derek, with an expression of obvious defeat written on his face, was giving Penelope a twenty dollar bill as soon as they noticed you two. Penelope had just won a bet of sorts and you felt disbelief, but at the same time a smile was also trying to creep up on your lips. You squeezed Spencer's hand imperceptibly tighter. For a moment you were distracted and focused on Morgan and Garcia. You didn't bring it up, it was just a little stupidity between them, one of many

Your relationship wasn't a big obstacle as long as it didn't affect the team's work, your cooperation in the field, or involve showing romantic feelings at work. 'And no intimate contact!' He even emphasized that a few times, but in an even more professional way. Not that you had any plans and you were an adult, so you shouldn't have been nervous, yet your cheeks and nose suddenly became more rosy. It ended with a few signatures and sending you out of the office with nothing. Overall he said that as long as you are happy, it's good. He went back to talking on the phone and reporting, which were more important to him at the time than such problems with agents.

You and Spencer were there for each other.

~

Everything seemed pretty fine until the headache and sleep problems came. And after it another headache and another headache. Sleep problems were nothing new, they happened every once in a while, but then they became more frequent. You thought it was temporary, caused by stress and fatigue, maybe not drinking enough water and being slightly dehydrated, but it only got worse. Often and routinely. The medication didn't help much, and the tests, head and brain scans showed nothing.

Spencer was almost going crazy thinking that this was early schizophrenia, some stage of the disease and he would end up like his own mother, which was his biggest nightmare. The knowledge that in a dozen or so years he might not remember anything, only have flashes of what he knew, become useless. He wanted to use his full potential. He was supposed to be a genius, to come up with something that would help slow down the progression of his mother's disease, not a useless piece of crap whose life would slip through his fingers because of the cavities in his head.

It had nothing to do with schizophrenia at the end of the day, but it was problematic enough. They were migraines, strong and painful migraines. They didn't seem dangerous in a long run, were not comparable in terms of potential danger to anything related to the disorder he suspected, however they were difficult for Spencer and he was clearly suffering, the sight that broke your heart.

You didn't want to see him like this, you wanted to do everything to make him feel better. You weren't an expert in medicine, but you used the comforting methods you knew to make him feel at least a little better, a little more mundane than the medical ones. You stayed at his apartment a lot more often, slept there a lot more often, to be completely sure about his pain, to help him through sleepless nights, to provide him with some peace. At one point, you practically lived there. Despite your sincere efforts, compresses, warm teas, kisses on the head and careful massaging of his temples, it wasn't enough, maybe it just helped slightly. You really tried and he knew it too, sometimes he even thought and mentioned, that he didn't deserve you.

You wanted to find someone who knew about these kinds of conditions. You knew that Spencer had more contacts and connections because he was in the scientific community, so he could do more, he could take care of himself, but you wanted to do something too. You spent your nights just to find a doctor, a scientist, anyone. This situation wasn't good for you either. Almost every time you worried about Spencer, it took its toll on you. The nerves and helplessness became overwhelming. You yourself experienced headaches, but you just clenched your teeth. It was from exhaustion and you wouldn't admit it. Spencer thought you didn't have to do it, to sacrifice and worry so much, he always reminded you of that.

You were there for him, nothing new.

Wait, sweetheart.

You know you weren't the only one anymore? Really, no one told you?

You were about to give up, thinking that there was no point in searching any longer. More frustration than concern flowed through you. Mostly frustration with yourself. But you found it. You had it. You found a geneticist who could help. You felt enlightened and filled with hope. You hadn't felt this kind of hope in a long time.

There she was.

Dr. Maeve Donovan

You felt convinced, you had a feeling she would be the solution to Spencer's problems. He had no doubts when you suggested that Maeve look at the scans. You sent them by email, but you didn't go into why that was the right way for her. It wasn't your business after all. She had reviewed Spencer's MRI scans of brain, partly to help, partly out of pure scientific interest, he was a brilliant mind after all. Unlike other doctors, she saw the solution in these headaches and sleeping problems. After a few weeks of analysis, she wrote everything down, including recommendations and a prescription for some medications that you knew a little about because of how immersed you were in the whole topic of migraines, insomnia, and even paranoid schizophrenia, despite everything, Spencer knew more about these meds.

~

Months passed. I guess. You were losing count. Something was wrong and you knew it. Not with Spencer, he was slowly getting better and was in less and less pain, he didn't wake up at night as often and he wasn't in more pain during the day. You were relieved to see your beloved getting better, the meds were working, and he was regaining his nerdy drive and commitment to everything. It was a precious sight you had been waiting for.

So you should have been happy, it was wiser not to dig anything up. You didn't have a habit of behaving like that. Since Soencer was acting strange at least, you had to find out what was going on and why he wasn't telling you. He always trusted you, he told you everything, and if he didn't say something, he still mentioned the situation. Now he was avoiding anything that could be related to his behavior. He was nervous, as if stressed, sometimes he would suddenly disappear at Sundays and come back after a few minutes without a word. Later he was a bit concerned, but he tried to get back to reality. And later he would even sneak out during work, when you were with the team in the field. Sometimes you'd see notes and a pen left around his apartment, like he was writing letters. You never tried to read them, but you felt a pang in your heart.

Your intuition wasn't some great mechanism, but it wasn't stupid either. You saw him get even more worked up one afternoon. That was when Maeve told him she loved him. But you were so blissfully unaware that you were in that position. Spencer wasn't a cheater, that much was for sure. He froze for a moment after hearing those words, but he didn't answer her. He thought about what to do with this new awareness, he thought a lot.

When, during one of the cases, after Spencer had a quick conversation with Blake, she gave him a ride somewhere, you felt like something was happening completely behind your back. At least Alex already knew what was going on after she confronted him near the telephone booth. And so she promised him she wouldn't tell anyone, so you remained in unconsciousness. Unconsciousness that was no longer blissful.

And then you saw a book wrapped carefully in ribbon in Spencer's apartment, even if Spencer wasn't particularly artistic. You didn't look in there. You didn't know if it would calm down or if you'd find out something you didn't want to know. He didn't even noticed you'd noticed the book, he was behaving the same way as last time. A little nervous, but pretending to be normal. You were also a profiler, he couldn't hide it from you, even if you didn't make a habit of profiling your loved ones, it didn't agree with your morals. Well, you made plenty of exceptions for Spencer, so why should this be any different?

You loved this living room 'cause of the light. As you stood by the bookshelf, staring at the spines of old, yellowed books whose arrangement you already knew by heart, Spencer came up behind you, a slightly sheepish smile on his face. You knew that look on his face. You often cut his hair because he wasn't very comfortable with having a barber do it. He didn't like the feeling of a stranger messing with his hair, it wasn't pleasant in any way, even if most of society disagreed.

“Umm… I’m starting to think I look weird.” He began uncertainly, referring to his hair. “It’s a little too long, I think.”

You stared at him for a moment, your gaze darting between his face and his hair, you smiled. You had thought about proposing a haircut to him a few days ago, but in the end you didn't. The request seemed rather sudden. Finally, you reached out and touched his hair, and he leaned slightly into your touch. He found it a pleasant experience.

"I don't know, I like it. It's not too long yet." You admitted as you focused on his hair and kept running your fingers through it, trying to style it.

"You think so?"

You didn't know why he was so determined about it, or why he cared so much at that time. As if there were already too many strange things happening that you couldn't explain, another one was just happening.

"Yeah, it's fine. Trust me, Spence."

“Okay.” He leaned down and kissed your forehead. This kiss was warm and sincere, as always, but it had a slightly different tone than what he usually gave, more... apologizing? What the hell did he have to apologize for?

You didn't bring up the subject of hair again. You didn't know, but Alex had told him that his hair was fine the way it was and it wouldn't affect what Maeve thought. It would be funny if you were the one who cut his hair to meet her. And your eyes kept returning to the white cover and the ribbon - The narrative of John Smith

You thought you were stupid, that you were really just making up a story to yourself because you were too bored, that it was just your stupid overthinking and nothing was happening, you were drawing too many conclusions and adding a story to everything. You thought you were crazy, that something was wrong with you. You should have been happy that Spencer was no longer suffering and in pain, not making up events that you had no idea about.

What if you were right?

~

While at work one day that seemed as normal as any other, except for the constant doubts in the back of your mind, you saw Spencer briskly walk to Hotch's office without a word. He was there longer than you expected, which certainly didn't comfort you. And then you were all in the bullpen, around Spencer, whose voice was breaking.

"... He thinks he'll get away with this and he might." He stared at the floor and didn't look up. "I have a wealth of knowledge I should be applying to this case. Behavioral patterns of violent stalkers, tactical recovery strategies, victim survival odds. But right now I can't focus on anything for more than four seconds at a time, which makes me the dumbest person in the room." All eyes were fixed on him, it was an unexpected situation. "So... please help me. Help me find her."

Sometimes you felt small glances at you. You clenched your hand on the edge of the desk. You weren't even mad. You felt your stomach drop. Maeve, same Maeve. How could all this be happening so close to you and you were so stupid? You didn't say anything, just like everyone else. The difference was that the others were taken aback, surprised, but you were just numb.

After a moment, Hotch spoke up, even his tone of voice was a little different than usual. "We don't know if we have a case. So we'll be working on personal time. Does anybody want to leave?"

Silence.

You swallowed hard, but did nothing. You didn't leave, you stood there, leaning against the desk. It seemed impossible. This was all a bad dream. If nothing happened, then you weren't betrayed, right? Still, your heart ached. Your heart ached for another reason. You couldn't even feel angry because you were more concerned with his trembling, cracking voice. What the hell was wrong with you. What was even worse was that Spencer didn't have the courage to look at you. His gaze wandered, staring at the floor, his gaze meeting everything and everyone but you.

"Good. Let's get to work."

Soon, you were sitting at the same round table as always. All of their letters in front of you. The same written pages that you had seen in Spencer's apartment, but that you had never touched. You hadn't spoken to him since his confession and plea for help. You should have occupied yourself with the fact that this was about the life of an innocent woman, approached it professionally, but you couldn't. Looking at these letters, holding them in your hands and reading them, you pressed your lips into a line. You didn't share your thoughts or observations. In fact, you didn't have any, because all the letters merged into one, and you weren't able to think deeper.

Spencer was clearly taking it, looking worse than he had during any stressful case, worse than he had during any other stressful event. And you wanted to help him, or take him aside and talk to him. But he didn't seem to have a clear head to talk. What were you supposed to do anyway? Comfort him? You were the first loved one, it wasn't fair to you. Who said feelings were fair? Were you supposed to yell at him? In his condition, it wouldn't do any good anyway, and you'd only say too many words because of how you felt now.

He was angry, he didn't behave rationally, he stretched all possible theories. You had never seen Spencer like this, so emotional.

And you thought he was emotional when you were shot in the stomach during one of the cases five, maybe four years ago.

You remember his panic, your hot, scarlet blood on his hands, the pressure of his hand on your stomach where the bullet was and the tears in his eyes. And you smiled slightly at him, you don't know why, but you weren't even scared. You didn't feel any pain, because of the adrenaline in your body. You lost so much blood at the same time that you started to feel blissful, maybe that's why you weren't afraid. He acted like a hothead, and you thought there was no need to panic.

He sat in the hospital all night, right under the operating room, when you were being operated on. For several days he sat in the hospital almost constantly, slept on those uncomfortable chairs and showed you the greatest care. He was the first person you saw after waking up. The team and the nurses practically had to drag him away from the room and the hospital.

He brought you everything that could help you recover faster and smuggled in some snacks when you made pretty eyes, although according to the regulations he shouldn't do that. He explained that he wasn't doing it because it was your whim, but because after losing so much blood you should eat chocolate to normalize. You knew that wasn't his intention, but you appreciated the clever excuse.

It doesn't change the fact that you lost a part of yourself back then.

But his behavior back then was nothing like what he was now. A nervous wreck. He wanted to do everything in his power to save Maeve. How could you have known they were in touch? You thought that after the meds were prescribed, it was over. But no, she had sent him a letter praising his article on psychology. You tried to work on it, like everyone else, you really did, but you felt like shit. Maybe she was what he had always been looking for? They were interested in similar things, had similar topics and knowledge in different areas. Maybe you were just too stupid for the long term, didn't have that much to offer.

Weren't you his love by any chance?

Anyway, you didn't even talk. You didn't bring yourself to talk, you didn't look at him. The team's hard work had paid off, even if the atmosphere was tense and heavy. You were supposed to find Maeve, find out where Diane was holding her. Diane had already killed Bobby, Donovan's ex-fiancé. After her efforts, Garcia discovered where both women could be. Hotch absolutely forbade Spencer from showing up at the scene, but Spencer clearly protested. He wanted to pretend to Diane what he felt for Maeve - love.

After those words, you really felt like nothing.

You no longer showed him the same sweet support you always did, you couldn't, but by not giving up on your help you also made it clear that you wouldn't just abandon him. Despite the lack of contact between you, you devoted your nights to this matter, you slept worse than usual and drank more coffee. Don't kid yourself, you didn't really sleep because you were thinking about your relationship. Was it real or was it your imagination? You weren't working, you were consumed by thoughts and you were losing all of yourself in it.

So you were there for him, well, more for his cause, but for him.

~

Outskirts of town. Spencer entered the old, abandoned building first. None of you thought it was a good idea, but you didn't stop him. You felt the pain in this whole situation, and you were even more afraid of something happening to him. Well, it was because you loved him. You didn't know if he loved you the same anymore. You couldn't even think about 'no'. You were exhausted for the past few days.

You waited there impatiently, not knowing what was going on inside. At least you didn't see that fake kiss between Diane and Spencer. You knew it would be wiser to step in there, so that's what you did. They tried to keep you at a distance, to the side, so you wouldn't do anything stupid under the influence of emotions. Spencer tried to negotiate with Diane, who was holding a terrified Maeve, while with her other hand she was holding a gun to her own temple. You kept your cool, just like Spencer, but you could see his nervousness.

"He's the one thing you can never take from us." You heard Maeve's last, quiet words, and then a noise.

A bang, a screech in your ears, and a large, spreading stain of blood on the floor. Both women lying on the cold floor, their hair in dark blood, and a gun nearby. You looked at Spencer, who was rooted to the ground, with tears in his eyes. He quickly approached the lying, still warm Maeve. The bullet flew through the head of one and stopped in the head of the other. There was nothing left to save from the shot brain. Spencer's beloved was currently bleeding out in his arms, his hands were completely covered in sticky blood, and tears were running down his cheeks, staining her pale skin and face, from which the life had gone.

Everyone was in shock, no one made a move or said anything. Tears welled up in your own eyes. Partly because of how Spencer felt, how tragic his condition was, partly because you only just realized what was happening. He was crying hard over the body of another woman, whispering quiet words to her, hoping she would hear them, even though it was a foolish hope. He was too stunned to do anything at that point, so you walked up to them, her blood was also on your hands, you thought you could still save her yourself, even though there was no chance of that.

~

He helped her parents bury her. He was there until the end... in fact, he was there even longer. Everyone else had gone, and he was left at the grave. No, he wasn't there alone. He was there with you. You helped him in everything. You loved him and watched him bury and mourn his beloved woman. He hadn't slept in many nights, his eyes were red and his face was drawn and sunken, and he had probably lost weight. He didn't remember much of the ceremony, he was numb and had been on sedatives for several days.

Days passed, and attempts to contact Spencer were in vain, he wasn't at work, he didn't answer his phone. You went to the staircase of his apartment, to the tenement house where he lived. You'd sometimes pass JJ or Blake going up or down the same stairs. You knew the stairs by heart by now, and every time you went on the second floor up them it only got worse. Penelope left more baskets of food and necessary things by his door. Eventually they disappeared, he had to take them when no one was there, he had to survive somehow, not leaving the apartment.

You couldn't handle it, but you tried not to show it. Despite that, the rest seemed to notice your suffering. They certainly did, knowing how close you were. Suddenly you felt betrayed, rejected. What the fuck was that? You were always there for him, always, you loved him, he seemed to love you sincerely too. And in the end, he suffered because of the loss of another woman. How did she achieve this so quickly? You wanted to be understanding, but you didn't know how. You had the right to hate him, but you didn't do that either. You were left empty.

Without optimism, without a spark in the eyes, without what you started with.

You knocked on his door again, even though you had a feeling it wouldn't make much difference. Your voice was loud enough to be heard, but tired.

"You know Spencer, it's me again." You started uncertainly, having to think about every word so as not to say something stupid. It was a delicate situation. After a moment, you continued. "I just want to know how you're holding up." You leaned toward the dark, wooden door with a small plaque with the number 23.

You heard faint movements and rustling on the other side of the door, but no response. You sighed quietly. "Maybe you don't want to talk to anyone. Okay, I'm not forcing you. I think I look a little stupid talking to the door, though."

Suddenly you heard the sound of the lock turning in the door. The door opened slowly, as if he was wondering if he wanted to open it. Finally you saw him in the doorway, dressed in a thick sweater, deep in mourning. His eyes were bloodshot, his hair uncombed. The curtains in the apartment were drawn, and it was a general mess, which you could only see because of what you could see behind him, in the back of the apartment. "Hey." He was barely holding on.

You wanted to help him, to be there for him again, but you no longer felt entitled to do so. He stepped aside, wordlessly inviting you into the apartment. You immediately opened one of the windows, not much, just enough so that the fresh air would make him feel better. You repeated your previous question. You were standing close to him, but at a safe distance. "How are you feeling?" You asked in a soft voice with your typical concern.

"Not so well." He answered shortly, he didn't have the strength to talk.

You didn't push. Hell, you couldn't even talk to him. It was almost like you were standing there with a stranger, not with the man, you loved so much. The light you loved so much was gone from this room. It was almost completely dark. The air was thick with lose and indecision.

He walked over to you, more tears flowing from his eyes. Suddenly you were his support again. He hadn't really cried in days, he just didn't have the strength anymore. Seeing you made him realize everything he had done. He clung to you like you were his last lifeline, he clung to no one else but you. You heard his sobbing and some quiet words, you didn't even understand what they were, there were tears in your eyes too, but you didn't hug him like you usually did.

On the corner of the table, the same book was lying again, this time without the brown ribbon. You were lucky you didn't see the dedication inside. It would have destroyed you even more. Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone; we find it with another.

He cried on your shoulder, and you pressed your lips together to keep from falling apart. Why did he even feel entitled to this, why did he keep leaning on you? You felt like screaming. You really wanted to scold him, but it probably wasn't appropriate at the time.

Again you were there for him, it was always you at the end of the day.

~

The atmosphere at work was tense, heavy. Everyone seemed to be behaving normally, but it wasn't like usual. No one talked to you about the incident anymore, except maybe Penelope, who as always tried to talk to you, to make you feel a little relieved, brought you those herbal, sweet teas with syrups that you loved. She didn't delve into the subject, so as not to drag out your own pain, she skirted the subject all the time. Basically, everyone was tiptoeing around you, which irritated you. Damn, you didn't want any forced pity.

A few weeks passed, Spencer went back to work, but you didn't talk more than necessary and everyone noticed the changes between you. You became colder, distant. After all, your relationship wasn't supposed to affect the team's work. But was it even a relationship anymore?

You bit your nails, picked at the cuticles around your nails, scratched off the polish. You clenched your fists, dug your nails into your palms, leaving indentations in the shape of half moons on the palms of your hands. Every morning you looked at him with a storm in your eyes, and he didn't notice the signals you were sending him.

You had to talk to him, there was no other way. He had avoided you during Maeve's case and the funeral, and after that you had only had this one, harmless conversation because you didn't want to overwhelm him with more things right away. But now you were the one who was overwhelmed. You cared about his well-being, but not your own. It had always been like that, you were mainly concerned about him, even if it was ultimately overwhelming for you.

Was it worth it? Because I don't think so.

Having a free moment, you approached him and approached him. You wondered if you should do it or just back off, but your tongue got the better of you and the words came out. "We should talk."

He immediately turned to you. He knew this conversation would come, but somehow he wasn't ready for it. But he also knew how much worry and pain he had caused you, he couldn't put it off forever and keep running away. Grief wasn't an excuse. "Fine."

You found a spot in the hallway, a little more private, far enough away so you wouldn't be conspicuous through the glass doors. No one in the bullpen needed to hear your conversation or see what you did. You didn't promise predictability.

You could see he wanted to start calmly, like it always was between you, but you started abruptly first. "Spencer, what was that all about?"

He wasn't looking at you again, suddenly the floor seemed much more interesting. "What does that mean?"

"Don't suddenly act stupid, you're not stupid and unintelligent. What was wrong with our relationship?" You play brave, tough. You play because you don't feel that way.

He looked up, his lips pressed into a line. “Nothing. Everything was fine.” His answers were distant.

You shook your head slightly. “Spencer, talk to me, I don’t want any half-spells. You know what, I would expect this from anyone, anyone, but you."

He let you down, he let you down and that hurt him the most. He wasn't what you deserved. "I'm sorry." You could feel the shame in his voice but you didn't want shame or an apology because there was nothing left to save.

"I don't want your sorry. I gave you all my best me's, my endless empathy. I didn't expect anything in return, not even though I got your feelings in return, I'm not saying I didn't, I won't lie. But how did you replace me so easily?" And your bravery quickly crumbled, and tears appeared in your eyes, you blinked a few times.

Silence.

"Do something, say something! You won't lose anything anyway." You were starting to get angry. This was the first time you had been angry at him like this and you had allowed yourself to be angry. "Because what else can you lose?" Maybe you should have kept your mouth shut and not said that. It sucks, it happens.

He swallowed hard. "You. I could lose you." He knew those words wouldn't do much now, but he tried anyway.

"Oh, you're just now thinking about this? And where, excuse me, were you earlier?! Sorry I forgot, in a phone booth. And you didn't see my gray face, how sick we've become, and if you noticed, you wouldn't admit it." You didn't mince your words, you deserved to be genuinely mad.

"I..."

You should have let him talk, you should have, but you didn't. "No, listen to me! You acted like the biggest, selfish asshole and I don't know what you were thinking!" He had never seen you so upset with him, but he didn't interrupt. "What did you miss, what did I miss?"

He deserved those words, he knew he deserved them. He didn't even try to argue, he accepted the harsh words. It hurt him more when he heard your question. "No, no, you didn't lack anything. It's my fault and I'm really sorry. You were so good and sweet to me, it's all my fault." He didn't want to lose you too, but he worked for it.

"You can't change anything, beating yourself up now won't change anything... Spence." You hesitated to address him that way at all. You weren't as loud as you had been a few seconds ago, but I guess he preferred it that way. It was easier for him to accept your anger and the hurling of insults than the disappointment in your voice. And that was exactly what was in your voice - disappointment.

He looked almost like a beaten puppy. "I know, I realize that." He thought for a moment; he wasn't in the habit of swearing. "I screwed up."

"Yes, and I don't deny it. I really thought you'd be honest. I wish I had known from the beginning, maybe it would have been easier." You had tears in your eyes, but you couldn't be stupid enough to cry. "I thought it was honest. My own pain was such an imposition."

He reached out and ran his hand through the hair on top of your head. He didn't want to scare you, to do something you wouldn't like, he held his hand there for a moment. "It wasn't an imposition, don't think like that. And you shouldn't have known this from the start, in fact I shouldn't have done it at the first."

You wanted to ask what Maeve had that you didn't, but you didn't even have the courage. You pulled his hand away from your hair. "Those are nice words, but we both know you can't take back your actions, which said something completely different." You bit the inside of your cheek until you finally spoke again. "You're losing me."

He didn't blame you for rejecting his hand, he understood that perfectly well, you had every right to avoid him, but he still felt a pang. He shook his head slightly. "No, don't say that, please."

"But it's over, Spence. You kind of decided that yourself. I'm really sorry she's gone, but helping with a case like hers is one thing, and love is another. I know you and I saw, well... that." You didn't want to bring up the brutal murder directly. "That's what love looked like."

For a moment you stood in silence, he couldn't deny it and you didn't know what to say. Without a word you turned around and started walking down the hallway towards the glass doors, a few tears in your eyes balanced between your lash line and the corners of your eyes.

Spencer lost something again, but you were no longer there for him.

See? I told you so.

You know what they all say, you don't know what you got until it's gone.

[buggie-eyed]

THERE ARE SPOILERS UP AHEAD FOR NINJAGO DR S3!!!!

This post will be tagged properly, but I placed that warning just to be safe. You have been warned~

Now get ready for my dr s3 notes, in no particular order of importance

- Right off the bat, I love love love Frak. We didn’t get to see his personality on full display in s2, and now that I know what he’s like I freaking love this guy. He’s kind of a dick, but not on purpose, more like in a teenager way. He really reminds me of the early season ninja, when they just said whatever tf they wanted, whenever. With Arin and Sora being pretty sweet most of the time, and Wyldfyre being a little pest but not actually saying anything controversial, I like that an overly opinionated guy got added into the mix.

- with that being said, I really didn’t expect Sora to be given a real love interest, but I don’t hate her and Frak as a possible pairing. Ik people interpreted her as a lesbian but idk pan Sora also works for me. Their dynamic is pretty fun. I like that Lloyd can’t pick up on the fact that they’re bonding and not actually full on arguing.

- PIXAL MY BELOVED IS BACK AND HER EYES ARE OOPY GOOPY AND HUGE!!!!!! WHY ARE THEY SO BIG, IS IT TO SEE HER DARLING HUSBAND WITH?

- Zane being goofy w/Pixal as soon as they reunited was what got me to tear up. That might sound weird but I love love, and their love means so much to me :[

- I didn’t know I needed and Lloyd and Pixal hug until they did it and now I need more Pixal hugs with her friends

- “Wow it’s awesome that Morro got his moment. He’s so epic and noble now, what a guy. I hope we see him again.”

- The second and only other time I cried was because of Arin and Sora’s friendship backstory, and when they hugged again for the first time in ages. God damn the writers didn’t have to make their dynamic and friendship that amazing but they did. They are the definition of platonic love, together until the end. While it’s sad that Sora left with Arin and Ras, it actually makes me so happy that she chose friendship.

- ^^ And now to add on. It was obvious from the start that Ras was lying about Arin’s parents. His non specificity about their deaths cemented it for me, and what shocked me the most wasn’t Jay’s reveal. What shocked me was that Jay instantly knew exactly who the ninja were talking about when they mentioned Arin’s parents. Is his memory really good? (It would be ironic, I know) but if Jay was really managing that many people, for like 7 ish years, the idea that he remembered these people who mean nothing to him right away is so Jay of him.

- NOW FOR JAY. He was really awesome as Rogue. Bro was kind of a beast. He took so many damn hits, yet he was suddenly “really hurt” the minute he was offered a warm and safe place to rest (🥲). I doubt his reluctance to go with the ninja was real and not an act. I think he’s genuinely sad and lost, and then these kind people showed up and he doesn’t know how to react without claiming it’s weird. I’m excited for him to learn to be vulnerable again. That was kind of his whole thing before, wasn’t it?

- I need to know what happened to Zane’s actual body. Is it in the suit? Is it under maintenance somewhere else? Like hello?!?! Imagine transferring bodies and being that chill w/it. It will for sure be addressed (I think)

- I really like that Kai and Nya got so many moments together. They deserve to be with each other, and annoy each other to death after being separated for so long.

- For the people who got sidelined a lot- Wyldfyre and Cole - here is why I don’t mind it too much:

- Wyldfyre was given a boyfriend, and while they like each other a lot, I did think they needed more development. And development is what they’re getting. I also liked seeing Wyldfyre apply her lessons with Kai about remaining calm(ish) when things are looking bad.

- Cole, on the other hand, was nowhere to be seen for most of the first half of s3. Why do I not care too much? Because they’re really trying to hammer in the fact that Cole is a family man now, with a responsibility to his husband (yes husband) and his kids. That’s my interpretation, and now I need the writers to commit to a lostshipping kiss :]

- “Well I think that wraps everything up. I’m glad that boss dragon was defeated, so anyways- Oh, is that Morro again? Cool, maybe he’ll get to see the ninja or- wait what’s happe- THAT DRAGON ATE MORRO? He FucKinG ATe hIM WHAT TJE FUCK YOU CANT END IT LIKE TJAT-“

[cherryblossompink303]

Patience S2:10:~Kyoya's big choice!~

➼ pairing: Kyoya Ootori x Reader ➼ summary: The ouran sports festival is underway, but you have bigger problems to think about. ➼ what to expect; "I...I like us...and what we have, but I...I think maybe we need to think about how much of our situation is actually...about our relationship.." ➼ warnings: angst ➼S2:09 / S2:11

'Your arrangement was effectively null the moment that both of your fathers were dethroned, there is no financial or company reason for your marriage to hold, that being said I would have thought that you would have transferred out of Japan over the summer'

The words had been rattling around in your head for days. You couldn't focus on anything, all you had been doing is wandering back and forth between the two teams meeting room, not fully taking in a word spoken, not fully doing anything.

Although even through your absent mind you ultimately noticed that Tamaki is more chipper than you would have expected as you step into his team's meeting room, jumping around the the Hikaru and Haruhi excitedly "Father's super-excited! Enter as many events as you like!"

"Enough! You're giddier than usual."

"Oh... did you make up with Kyoya?" You question, placing down a tea tray, the next thing you know Tamaki has thrown himself onto the floor in a pool of tears "uh-oh"

"Huh? What? He's been ignoring you in class?" Hikaru crouches over him, translating Tamaki's sob filled mumbling. "So you've been putting on a brave front to hide your hurt feelings..."

You sigh, taking a sip of water "Even if the boss is at fault, doesn't it seem like Kyoya is going a little overboard? Tamaki's silly complacency is nothing new" Hikaru mutters "Using Kyoya as a pretext to hold the festival was pathetic, but... you meant no harm"

"Y/n?" Haruhi looks up to you for some clarification "I...it is certainly not just over the festival, but even I am not fully sure what the exact trigger was, I am making it a point to stay out of this"

"Well...hopefully it becomes clear soon, if Tamaki and Kyoya fall out completely it doesn't bode well for the host club"

While Haruhi spoke in jest, the comment made you freeze up in the doorway as you exited, it was a good point, the club could get torn apart because of this, one of the very few things keeping you in Japan.

Maybe this was a sign...

but also, it wasn't just about going back to europe, you know that.

It is about leaving Kyoya.

Because there is about the truth in the fact that your engagement is held together with a single fraying thread, and that thread is your relationship.

It is not that you want to seperate, but also if the agreement between your families never existed, being engaged this early into your relationship would be mad. It has to be addressed.

Because there was a life you left behind before ouran, it used to be that what was keeping you in Japan was that you were away from your father, now it is something else entirely

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Kyoya's big choice!

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"There's a huge commotion out there, ootori vs kuze has now become ootori vs suoh" you quietly spoke from the doorway to the now empty meeting room where Kyoya is working, somehow feeling the need for an invitation to enter now it is just the two of you.

"Traffic to the host club's website has suddenly doubled too. Plus, for some reason, the photo book is in print again" you push yourself off the frame "Is it selling well?" he doesn't look up from the laptop.

You sigh "Kyoya don't tell me you picked a fight with this in mind all along?"

"What a rude assumption. That actually angers me. But I saw an opportunity, so I decided to drag out our fight and make a profit"

you pinch the bridge of your nose "Okay usually I would find that attractive but- aren't you being a little cruel? I mean, the others think you're angry because he became second in command to the red team but i know that ain't true, Tamaki's antics isn't new, and in terms of boundaries this is no where near as far as he's been before, so why this?"

"Because he's sticking his nose into my business. I don't care what kuze thinks of me, but it's quite annoying being dragged into a competition that is of no benefit to me. He ought to leave things between kuze and myself. I believe that as long as the people we care about understand us, the other stuff doesn't matter, don't you agree?"

You pause at an arms distance away from him "I mean, of course I do, just look at us. But does Tamaki not fall under that group of people?" Kyoya looks away. "Did you come for something?"

You sit opposite him, debating whether or not you should even say anything with the timing "My grandmother visited me last night... and she brought something up-"

"Ah yes, the papers arrived at the house this morning"

You freeze, staring back at him with wide eyes, you knew that she was adamant that you move home and break off the engagement but you didn't think she would go as far as to send over the papers this soon "p-papers?"

"Yes, the emancipation papers, i don't know why they came here instead of to the apartment but if you wanted them I have them here"

the shock of it all puts you off saying anything, speechlessly accepting the papers off him "e-emancipation?"

He raises a brow at your reaction, going back to his laptop "Why do you look so surprised?"

"Because I am- I didn't even- god that woman" you stand, taking out your phone "Wait, if you didn't know what were you going to say?"

"Not the point" You wave him off, leaving the room as you press to call her.

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'Here begins Ouran high school's first sports festival!'

"Oh wow..."

"Ouran has an amazing arena" somehow you end up entering the arena with Ranka, Misuzu and Mei, showing up to support Haruhi "Are you sure we can go in? A high-society sports festival makes me nervous" Misuzu looks on the arena concerned

"Then leave! We didn't invite you in the first place" Mei turns to her "That's mean mei! I even got up early to make your bento!"

"Enough you two" Ranka rolls her eyes. "Don't worry about getting in, you'll be fine" You spoke entering the arena.

'The first event is the ladies' bread-tasting contest! A classic italian table setting in the center of the field. This is a gift to the young ladies from the chairman on the occasion of the sports festival!'

"Huh?" You raise a brow, watching on as the ouran girls proceed to start bread tasting.

"Oh hey haruhi" You spot her and Hikaru nearby at the bottom of the seating area. "Hey y/n" before you can say anything else Tamaki runs over "Haruhi! Why didn't you enter the bread-tasting contest?!"

Haruhi sighs, rolling her eyes "I can't tell the makes of different types of croissants"

"But you've got to try it!" He pleads. "Think about it tamaki it's a girls-only event it would be suspicious"

"B-but I snuck a giant tuna into the red teams bread for haruhi" as if on cue you look over to find some of the girls retorting in disgust at the bread, heaving a little.

'The red team forfeits! The white team wins!'

Tamaki descends into squabbling with kuze over 'poisoning' his own team.

'Next up is the men's 100-meter dash! The first runners at the starting line'

"What's all the commotion?" one of the red team asks, stood at the start line "It looks like our second in command caused the problem"

"What?"

'The distracted red team is off to a slow start! The white team wins!'

You slowly step away from Tamaki who appears to break slightly, accidentally backing into Kaoru on the white team "Captain the enemy has self destructed"

"They're silly huh?" Honey looks over to the opposing team. Kyoya smirks "It's still too early to celebrate, though the side that breaks concentration first will lose, we'll keep scoring points at the current rate"

You bite your tongue, stepping away once more, although as the white team disperses Kyoya lightly grasps your wrists "You don't seem to really be enjoying this" He mutters.

"hm?"

"You usually live for a playful rivalry" You gently slip your hand from his grip "But it isn't playful. Is it?"

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"Suoh!" Kuze storms over to Tamaki "What's the meaning of this?"

"Kuze! I'm so happy you recovered!"

"What is there to be happy about? The white team is in the lead! How did you manage to fall so behind? It was Ootori wasn't it? He must have used one of his dirty tricks" Tamaki's face falls "You couldn't be more wrong Kuze, the red team is responsible for its own failures. The white team is just doing its best so please-"

"What is it?" Kuze stutters out

"If they honor us by competing valiantly like true gentlemen to the very end I humbly request that you refrain from trying to pick fights with Kyoya in the future"

"F-fine"

'The white team wins the men's hurdle race! the white team is strong! Did the red team cave under pressure? Many seem to have been shaken up at the starting line!' echoes across the arena.

"Oh it's the chairman" You mutter spotting Tamaki's father from across the bleachers, wandering over to where Kyoya and Kaoru sat "I though it was only Haruhi's family, but a lot of the parents are here"

"Well my parents are both at work...how about your family Kyoya?" Kaoru asks.

"they would never come, if my parents were attending I would have used a different strategy" even though the two of you knew there was an underlying context to the conversation it did intrigue you "Such as?"

"I would have made it much more apparent that the white team's success was due to my involvement then let Tamaki take the spotlight in the end."

"I see..." this was not the first time that Kyoya had taken that strategy, he did exactly that during the race for the central salon. But you wondered whether or not that the choice to let Tamaki take the spotlight was for appearances or perhaps due to a change of heart.

'The score now is 63 points for the red team, 183 for the white team. The white team leads by an amazing 120 points!'

"Well I think the competition has already been won" you murmur.

"Yes, this has been unexpectedly easy" Kyoya mutters "I thought it would be a closer contest, I told him a sports festival was a silly idea..."

You can't help but watch on in unrecognition, while you and Kyoya were both morally questionable when it came to your calculated scheming it has always been in pure benefit, never to someone elses specific downfall, or at least not anyone who didn't deserve it. You are unsure whether or not you like the look of it on Kyoya.

"Mr. Ootori our unexpectedly regained their spirits"

"Ootori! I thought you said they would use up their energy at the cheering contest and self-destruct"

"Not to worry, they self-destructed early on, so we now have a bigger lead than expected, besides we have our white team elite- honey- participating in the obstacle course"

'A rare first place for red team!'

you turn to him "You were saying?"

"It's fine, one loss won't-"

'The red tea wins the second race!'

'And its the red team again! The white team was favored in this even, but one man has led the tidal-wave comeback the red team leader Takeshi Kuze!'

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'The red teams makes an amazing comeback! The white team leads now by only 12 points, with one event remaining. Thirty points will be awarded to the winner of the relay race. All eyes are on the anchor, the position that both team leaders will race. The team that wins this relay race will win the sports festival!'

"S-suoh" Kuze stutters out breathlessly, exhausted after the previous event "Kuze? Are you alright? There's just the relay left..." Tamaki watches on in concern, Kuze stumbles over to him "I entrust the relay to you. I'll be watching your version of a valiant competition among gentlemen from here"

You take notice of the conversation, nudging Kaoru who also takes notice "Hey, it looks like the red team anchor changed to the boss, he's slower than Kuze, but our teams are neck and neck, hey kyoya!" He grabs Kyoya's attention.

"Why don't you withdraw from the race?"

"Huh?"

"Fortunately, the chairman is watching, if you act like you planned on giving the glory to the boss in the first place, won't it work to your benefit?"

"That won't fool the chairman, besides, this isn't about benefit. This was about pride all along" Kyoya storms off to the track "Oh my god..." Kaoru mutters.

"What is it?" You turn to him

"I understand now, the boss wanted Kyoya to genuinely compete without thinking about how it would benefit him" You smile "Of course it's been about that, I thought that was clear, Tamaki's goals are rarely ever convoluted... although I must admit at first that I thought that he was just getting Kyoya to compete to help Kuze's self esteem"

Tamaki jogs over to the track where Kyoya is already stood "Good luck on our race! You must be disappointed it's not against Kuze, but-"

"You're the only one who'll be disappointed, I never wanted to compete in the first place. You always get by, but don't forget, there are those who find your pushy, nosy tactics bothersome"

"Bothersome? Oh, are you referring to how the white team unknowingly got pulled into your devious, blackhearted schemes? Oh! If I win I get a free year-round use of Kyoya's kotatsu passport! Don't forget now!"

"And if I win, next win you'll wear only a fundoshi to greet customers but you'll keep your european manners"

"If i win, I get the window seat on next months field trip"

"If I win you have to sit in economy class alone and you have to squat"

"How come my punishments are harsher?! and you keep adding bonuses" tamaki cries "It's only fair considering all the trouble you've caused me"

"You were having fun too! You snob! You're never being honest"

"Shut up! Do you realise how much I have to work behind the scenes to rectify your selfish behaviour? Not just me but y/n? You push her too much, appearing unannounced, forcing her to face her anxiety, you are such a selfish idiot!"

Your face falls as you watch on from the bleachers "Kyoya is fighting like a little kid" Hikaru notes "I never knew kyoya could act like that" Neither did you, but now your were starting to realise why.

'and now for the final event, the first runner is off! The red team takes an early lead, will the red team's counterattack carry them through?!'

"Tamaki said, that at any public event, kyoya feels obligated to make the suoh family look good" Haruhi watches on next to you "It's to his benefit to let Tamaki win the crown."

"It's be good to have an event where Kyoya doesn't have to worry about his family's position" Hikaru adds, turning to you "Don't you want to see Kyoya competing passionately for just himself"

You laugh "All he does is compete for himself, today I must admit is a strange occasion but Kyoya lives for stuff like this, he doesn't worry about his family's position, he is determined for his own, most often despite his family"

"What does that mean?"

"Don't worry about it, that is a very long story that we might tell one day" Hikaru squints back at you "What on earth do you two get up to outside of school?"

You just hum dismissively.

'oh no! The fourth red team runner dropped the baton during handoff! The white team is catching up, and now, the anchors grab the batons!'

Your eyes glue to Kyoya, perhaps, just maybe, you had understood all this wrong this entire time. Maybe you were too distracted by everything else that you couldn't take a moment to actually think about it.

'Kyoya Ootori is the winner! The white team wins!'

Tamaki collapses onto his knees dramatically "Wahh! I lost! It hurts! But it was a lot of fun! Wasn't it fun Kyoya? Isn't it nice having a youthful battle once in a while, without regard to how it could benefit you?"

Kyoya pauses, watching on in shock as Tamaki runs over to the rest of the host club, leaving the two of you staring back at eachother from opposite sides of the track.

You take the first move, slowly walking over to his and ressing a small kiss to his cheek "What was that for?" You shrug "tradition is it not? For winners of races to recieve a kiss"

"I'm sweaty" you hand him a towel "A bit late for that now"

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You have been on edge ever since setting foot outside of the arena, knowing that you had been putting off the dreaded conversation for long enough, that the moment that you two got back to the apartment there was really no excuse anymore.

However it turns out that Kyoya had similar plans, placing the papers from the previous day on the counter "what have I missed in this past week?"

you sigh " We need to talk" he raises a brow at your sudden seriousness, leaning back on the sofa "Okay, about?"

"My grandmother, the emancipation papers was only one of her requests"

"I see"

"I can handle her, but she raised a...point to me" you sit opposite him "A point?"

You sigh "Are we still engaged?" you are met with silence, Kyoya seemingly shutting down a little at the question "What?"

"I am here because of an agreement held together by our fathers, an agreement that has fallen apart thanks to us. There is no longer a reason for us to be engaged or for you to fund my living... or even, for me to be in Japan. Or at least no reason beyond choice"

Kyoya tilts his chin up, eyes glaze over as he thinks over your words "So what are you trying to say?"

"I'm not trying to say anything but there is that question, and I think there is a reason why we both have been putting off this conversation, because it has been simpler for us to pretend that we still have to observe the agreement but we don't... so where do we stand?"

Kyoya takes off his glasses, running a hand over his face "I...I don't know..."

"I...I like us...and what we have, but I...I think maybe we need to think about how much of our situation is actually...about our relationship...like I think we can both be honest in the fact that if we had not been engaged before we started to see eachother we probably not be engaged right now"

Kyoya sits up straight "I don't know... I just, need to think"

Next time on patience....'The wizard of Ouran!'

'Y/n finds herself in another strange land and she and Kyoya have a big decision to make Find out next time on patience!'

We'll see you then!'

Tag list (reply to be added): @skottch @cgmajor @rebirthbunbun @bbybubbles @blueberry19000 @katgirl05 @smellslikelovinglies @veras-fanfic-reblogs @sadprimrose @mirtalikesdr @sleeplesssskeleton @ritzes28 @crackpeole @rory-cakes @renjunniex @II-kita-san-II @angelicwillows @missbrebre1012 @sleep-7372 @strawberrbitch @reticent-writer @eternal-dokja @meme848 @mistyhydrangeagarden @nanaloverz @hyuninslutbbgirl @rebel-author-chick @voyager1fan @bubbabobabubbles @haowonbins @justtryingtosurvive02 @darlingxym @funtimefreddynaofficial @lunarthehokage @kiki-kuku @jaeger-did-nothing-wrong

[eddiezpaghetti]

Okay, so my experience with Stranger Things is a weird one.

I didn't care when it first came out, started to watch it out of "might as well" in 2020, wasn't interested in it enough to make it past S2, forgot about it outside of going "oh, hey, cool, there's a lesbian in it now, I guess," in S3, got really annoyed when "Running Up That Hill" got popular from it because it was a song I listened to on fucking loop after one of my best friends died in high school and I fully expected its appearance in the show to ignore the whole survivor's guilt theme of the song (and was very happy to learn later that it did the exact opposite of ignoring the lyrics), saw people drawing Eddie, suddenly got a lot more interested, watched just the fourth season like a fucking psychopath because I was seriously only there for Eddie, then got interested enough to start the show over properly, having mostly forgotten what I did watch of the show before.

And let me tell you something from the perspective of someone who started with the complete fourth season, who wasn't there from the start, who wasn't tainted by ship goggles or this internal battle of hope and despair, who wasn't theorizing about what the painting could be or expecting Mike and Will to kiss when Volume 2 happened or rooting for Mike and Eleven's relationship to go down in flames or whatever the fuck. Just someone who went blind into Season 4.

It's really fucking obvious that Will and Mike are gonna be endgame.

Like holy fuck. It's so fucking blatant I don't even know why people are nervous.

No sane fucking person would shoot this scene this way if they wanted the audience to care about El and Mike as a couple. Despite being all blurry in the background, Will's reaction to what's happening here is smackdab in the fucking middle, clearly showing that the important part is what's going through his head here. What he's feeling. It's like the opposite of that scene from Kingdom Hearts II where Sora and Riku reunite and Kairi just fucking vanishes into the aether while it's happening because, despite the fact that she was standing between them when the scene began, she doesn't matter to the scene, so she's just kind of gone when the camera angle changes. Will could have been behind one of their heads, or so far in the distance he blends in with the background, but he's not. He's so obvious that despite being massively blurred out, he's still the first goddamn thing you look at. What, you think that's an accident? You think he's in the middle of this dramatic fucking scene because of a mistake? He basically has a big flashing neon arrow pointing at him with "THIS IS THE POINT" being screamed through a megaphone.

And then this?

They're paired up like they're taking fucking prom pictures. Each one of these pairs is so fucking close to one another and so fucking far from everyone else. It's not, "Oh, they're standing vaguely near each other in a group shot," it's fucking Noah's Ark out here. Again, there's no way to take this as an accident. It's not just a framing issue. If they wanted to make the shot look balanced while still not hiding anyone else behind El, they would have scattered people around much more naturally. Even if they wanted to keep Nancy with Jonathan and Hopper with Joyce, there's so much room on that hill for three people to stand on El's left and three on her right. But they didn't do that. They put Mike and Will together on purpose in the most obvious way possible.

Like I get that coming up with crackpot theories is fun in and of itself and I'm not blaming anyone for having fun. I totally get the appeal of arguing a point and reaching for every stupid little thing to pull into it because it's like a game, okay? I've done that. But if you're trying to actually convince someone (whether it's someone who wants to believe or someone who's pissed at the very idea that Mike and Will could be in love), stay away from blue and yellow lights, stay away from costume design, stay away from the existence of closets in backgrounds. And don't worry about whether Mike's gay or bi when he's in love with Will either way. I'll give you a little tip about persuasion: You're only as strong as your weakest argument. Even if you've got strong stuff in there, too, the person you're trying to convince is going to dismiss anything you say as complete insanity the second you start going on an entire tangent about the shape of a character's fucking pocket.

Sometimes, clothes are just clothes. Sometimes, there's a closet in the background because it helps establish that a character is in a bedroom. Sometimes, blue and yellow are just a couple of colors that look nice together. And sure, it might be set designers and costume designers and cinematographers smirking and winking at the audience from behind the camera. But if the show was just those things, instead of those things in the context of everything else, they wouldn't be saying anything of note.

But this?

This tells a story all on its own. Someone with no context can look at this and automatically assume that each paired person is standing with someone they care about deeply, seeking comfort as they watch some sort of disaster unfold. And yeah, romantic couples usually come in twos, and we live in an amatonormative society, so that's going to be the first association anyone makes seeing a bunch of people paired off.

It's the same reason you look at this

And go, "Oh..."

"Those two are probably a couple."

And I genuinely don't understand how people could have watched S4 Vol. 2 and gotten scared. Because as someone who went in with no investment whatsoever, I just looked at these two--

--and went, "Oh, those two are a couple. Good for them." And I moved on. Shut up about the trees for five seconds and just see the forest for what it is.

Oh, and if you're still nervous? Little thing from a storyteller here: You don't leave a hanging thread like "Will confessed his romantic feelings for Mike by projecting them onto El, but Mike either didn't understand or at least didn't say he understood," without coming back to that later. That's Chekov's gun hanging on the wall, babes. It's gonna fire at some point. If Mike was going to reject Will's feelings, if they weren't relevant, they would have had that discussion in Argyle's van. There'd be no reason to leave you in suspense.

[genericpuff]

hi, i know the episode came out weeks ago, but i wanted to talk about ep 277 and your essay on it. i thought it was very well thought out and had brought up lots of concerns abt apollo's other victims and the harm persephone caused to others that i just. hadn't really thought about myself because honestly this webcomic is a BLUR to me LOL. thank you for writing these insights and putting them online for others to read ! i think you manage to keep a respectful distance to rachel [1/]

Yeah, regarding how the SA was handled...

I think Rachel did exactly as well as anyone might have expected someone like her to write a plotline like that.

Honestly if Rachel really did want to do the arrow thing, I think it would have worked WAY better if she had used the arrow of hate. First of all, because it had already been established back in S2 when it was shot at him by Psyche, but ALSO because making it an arrow of love confirmed that Eros literally did what Apollo asked despite the fact that he's Persephone's best friend and should have been more suspicious of what he was going to use it for. Why not just do a bait & switch where Apollo is under the impression that it's an arrow of love but Persephone trusts in her friend and pieces it together that it's probably an arrow of hate? It would also payoff the whole "news crew being nearby" thing (as well as all the other gods that just randomly showed up) because uh oh now they all see his true nature and he can't hide behind his lies anymore!

After all, as I mentioned in my previous post about this (the one I believe you're referring to) it's not like there wasn't already foreshadowing that Apollo was going to fall on his own sword the way of Mr Waternoose from Monster's Inc, he was already showing signs of cracking under the guilt that he was feeling towards how he treated Persephone/Eris/Hermes/etc. so why did it have to be Persephone taking a massive risk by sticking him with an arrow of love that still doesn't fully explain why he would even suddenly be a changed man? Loads of people like Apollo think they're in love / define their infatuation as love so I don't see how an arrow of love would suddenly make him empathetic to her pain. Especially when, again, he still begs her not to make him confess, so the guilt he's feeling is still completely empty and unmotivated.

I will leave this with one final thing that I saw the other day that very much reminded me of the Apollo SA plotline and I think it rings very true for the misdirected conclusion of the plot itself:

One of the biggest issues of the Apollo SA plotline, at least in my opinion, is that it never really gets to the root of why people like Apollo exist. There absolutely were strong foundations for this - he's the son of a guy who's known for being a serial cheater, he's popular and egotistical and is used to women wanting him, etc. - but all of those foundations kind of fell to the wayside in favor of turning Apollo into just another boogeyman, especially to lift Hades up as a "good man" by comparison (when Hades himself also falls on this spectrum). But many people like Apollo aren't just random guys in an alleyway or conspiring with some "higher power" that's manipulating them, they're men who fundamentally do not understand consent and assault on the varying spectrums in which it exists from "SA just exists, oh well" passiveness to "I'm an actual monster who gets pleasure out of victimizing women" aggressiveness. I think there's a lot to discuss about how people like Apollo exist WITHOUT sympathizing with them, but LO manages to do neither - not only does it give us uncomfortable and unnecessary looks into the rapist's POV more than we get the victims, but it does it in a way that doesn't actually address the issue of how people like Apollo come to be, it's just "Apollo is the big evil boogeyman who raped Persephone". Not only does it not actually put enough focus on the victims, but it reduces the societal and cultural complexities of where Apollo's brand of egotistical entitlement comes from to just "some guys just be evil like that". Guys like Apollo don't just come out of the womb like that, they're often shaped into what they are by a society that both excuses them for awful behavior towards girls ("Boys will be boys!") and enables - if not outright encourages - them to objectify women as trophies that they're entitled to. Even the seemingly innocent and sentimental practice of "giving away a bride" at a wedding is rooted in these patriarchal systems, with the belief that a woman first "belongs" to her father before being "given to" her husband.

It's the part of feminism that often gets overlooked - it's not just about uplifting female voices and helping survivors speak up about and heal from SA, it's also about deconstructing and challenging the patriarchal systems that lead to SA victims being created in the first place. Sure, Apollo got sentenced to building temples in the Mortal Realm, but what is that actually doing to address the bigger topic of how men like him come to exist in the first place? Especially when it was also treated as a good thing for TGOEM to be disbanded, instead of, idk... reworking it into a women's support group for survivors like Persephone?

IDK, it's a very complicated subject that you can approach from a million different angles, I don't think that my criticizing it should outweigh the opinions of those who were satisfied with the punishment that was given to Apollo (my saying the SA plotline sucked doesn't mean you're not allowed to find your own validation in it) but I do think that, at best, Rachel ended the SA plotline the only way she could because she herself is just not equipped to tackle such broad subjects that require a lot more education, experience, and nuance than what she's capable of writing. There are definitely 1298423108 better ways that plotline could have been resolved, but not with Rachel Smythe at the helm.

And that's my many cents on that.

[sixtychinapots]

thinking about warren and bryony again. how insane the whole fake marriage thing actually was.

warren's earliest memory of them together is just blank, he was suddenly married to his wife after running away from his hometown. they never have sex. they joke around while doing the dishes. she gets angry at him when he disappears without explanation, which seemingly happens often because he's so flighty. they are married in name and legality and with rings but never really feel like a couple. warren forgets anniversaries and brings her petrol station flowers and is a shitty husband. he never even told his sister because bryony likely insisted that emily wouldn't care considering he abandoned her.

then it turns out it was all a lie and warren can't process it because even if they weren't a perfect couple, they loved eachother right? and it's been fake all this time and she's only been observing him and recording him and drugging him and pushing the buttons of his trauma for the better part of a year. and he asks "was any of it real?" and she immediately responds "no" and he's struck by the bluntness of it because when he thinks about it, their 'love' always felt surface level, didn't it?

then he's thrust forward in time to 2064, to a different future where he's alone and not being monitored or experimented on and his fake-wife-turned-captor is gone but so is his best friend, and he's suddenly got a lot of feelings to work through that he's been repressing for months now that he doesn't have to worry about (or look forward to) being enveloped in the empty limbo of hypersleep for months at a time where he can think of nothing and not expect to make it out.

I wonder at what point warren discarded the wedding ring, if he ever did. I think bryony probably took it off without much care upon coming to red valley at the end of s1, but maybe warren kept it on for a while, unsure what to think. perhaps gordon pointed it out sometime during s2, asking why he kept it, and warren couldnt really reply because it held complicated feelings and it'd mean admitting to himself the lie he'd been living for those 9 months and that he was in fact stuck in this facility with his life in the balance at the hands of said fake wife. maybe warren finally takes it off once he has a moment to breathe in s4, signifying taking hold of this new life he's been tentatively offered.

maybe once he's finally discarded it, it allows him the freedom to stand up to bryony the way he does in s4e5, with the snark and bite he's been holding back for so long. new beginnings and all that.

[avelera]

Ok am I allowed to say now that I think Arcane S2 makes a strong case that Mel actually took Jayce’s virginity??

(Truly think he was holding out for Viktor, but the consistent lack of touch/spoken interest resigned him to the fact that Viktor only saw him as a brother, so, heartbroken, he settled for that and so couldn’t really see a reason not to take Mel up on her seduction when she offered. Poor girl had no idea that she was his first and suddenly had a clingy puppy boyfriend that she was NOT expecting)

[chirpsythismorning]

Can we talk about how Jonathan might've been able to clock Mike simply because of what happened with him and Nancy in season two?

This will be a long post, so you might want to strap in or save it for later.

In Will and Mike's case, it would obviously be much different from Jonathan and Nancy's situation, given that you know, they're gay. But we still have Jonathan arguably going through a similar experience as Will, while Mike is going through a similar experience as Nancy.

In s2, we see Nancy confront Jonathan about how she waited for him before getting back with Steve, which is a revelation to him. Then they're at Murray's and she's struggling to say she loves Steve, after a handful of moments between them that felt like she might return Jonathan’s feelings. And you can clearly see it in his eyes, listening to Murray imply that they have feelings for each other, with him looking back and forth sort of in awe of what's happening, like he's starting to question if she might actually like him back.

Will doesn't have that same affordance as Jonathan to really hope, at least not anymore. Which is why these relationships in s2 and s4 end differently for these two brothers.

Based on all the signs he was seeing that Nancy felt the same, Jonathan decided to take the plunge to admit to Nancy how he felt, and at that same moment Nancy had the courage to show how she felt. In Will and Mike's case, Will wasn't ready to take the plunge to admit to Mike how he felt, at the same moment Mike didn't have the courage to show how he felt.

What's so painfully hilarious to me about all of this though, is that Jonathan arguably starts the season in the same shoes as most of the audience, where from his perspective, it's becoming obvious to him now that Will like's Mike, but that Mike does not feel the same way.

First at Rink-O-Mania, Mike appears a little uncomfortable upon hugging Will. Then as the happy couple continues on their adventure into Rink-O-Mania, he watches Will lagging behind moping. And then unfortunately he's out of commission for the rest of the evening...

But once he's sober and back to being an attentive brother the following morning, we see him watching them at breakfast, with Mike barely sparing Will a glance, all while Will is blatantly staring, almost like he's waiting for Mike to look back, only for Mike to get up and walk away.

All of these instances gotta be SCREAMING unrequited gay love to Jonathan. He's already gotten signs for years that Will is gay, these are now just the signs that are instilling his suspicions that Will has feelings for Mike. He could have easily interpreted their relationship in the early seasons as young best friends, with Will seeming to have a crush on Mike, and with them growing up and that potentially including Will's straight friend distancing himself from him because he doesn't feel the same. It's not the most unexpected thing in the world considering.

But then there's a shift.

Suddenly he's creeping up on them talking in his room. And we know he was listening in on the conversation because he brings up Owens when he sits down. As he's eavesdropping, he's probably thinking something innocent like Aww they're making up! And like, hey! Even if Mike doesn't feel the same, which is okay and entirely expected honestly, at least he still cares about Will enough to make things right after acting so out of character. Still, I'm not gonna lie, that sounded a lot like flirting to me--

Then he's knocking on Will's door like 30 minutes or less later only to find Mike and Will back on their bullshit. Mike suddenly isn't going out of his way to ignore or put Will on the back burner. In fact, he's on his bed and they're talking, again! The door is even closed this time, which is interesting. This has gotta be a good sign in Jon's eyes. Nothing to worry about! Right? Right...?

But then suddenly this shift continues, going in a direction he probably didn't expect.

I mean, this is literally an identical jancy parallel we have here with byler on the hood of the car, with Jonathan right there to witness it. Despite him maybe only now subconsciously picking up on the similarities between Will and Mike to him and Nancy here, he's at least taking note (I mean he's even got his gay map out and everything).

It isn't until the van scene happens, that I think Jonathan starts to genuinely consider his suspicions, which is that Mike might actually like Will back.

EVERY time we get a shot of Jonathan looking back at Will and Mike in the van, followed by a shot of his POV from the rearview mirror, we're faced with Mike looking at Will while Will is looking away.

As Jonathan is hearing Will confirm his suspicions about his feelings for Mike, he's simultaneously witnessing Mike not looking at Will with disgust, but something more akin to reverence. All of those moments in the van that we witnessed, including all the ways Mike looked at Will and everything that was said, Jonathan was right there.

And what's even more insane about this scene, is that it circles back to Jonathan as a character himself.

I remember when people were talking about how odd it was that we never saw Jonathan with a camera in s4. After 3 seasons in a row of making his passion for photography a big part of his identity, that part of him was apparently absent entirely this time around... But was it really?

This is the same guy that said, "Sometimes, people don't really say what they're really thinking. But you capture the right moment, it says more."

Jonathan might not have had his camera in s4, but this was without a doubt one of those moments where he captured something more.

Something that I also think get's highly overlooked about this scene, especially when it comes to Jonathan looking back at them, being followed by a shot of Mike staring at Will, is that he could see both of their reactions the whole time, from beginning to end. Will nor the audience had the affordance of knowing because Will was facing the other way at the end, while we on the other-hand were blurred from even having the chance, despite Mike literally being in the frame. But not Jonathan. He even lets us see what he sees, a few times, but not at the very end, which would have been nice after they didn't let us see Mike's reaction seconds before this.

Let's just stop right there for a second though and circle back to what I consider to be the first time Jonathan really picked up on Will's feelings for Mike, which was at the end of s3, in a sequence that is a little too relevant to the van scene if you ask me, given that they are almost direct parallels.

While these parallels are pretty spot on visually, they are also near spot on narratively when it comes to the evolution each of these characters are experiencing.

For Will in the first scene, it's sadness that he's moving away from his friends in Hawkins and also feeling like he's losing Mike, after what looks like him and El making up, which makes him scared he'll distance himself again. For Jonathan, it's sympathy for his brother who appears to have some very deep feelings for his friend, feelings he can't quite grasp yet but soon enough will.

For Will in the second scene, it's heartbreak that he has to accept that Mike will never feel the same, knowing that supporting his relationship with El (encouraging it honestly) will likely turn out just as it did last time, with him losing Mike all over again, for the last time. For Jonathan it's sympathy for his brother who has now confirmed his suspicions that the feelings he has for Mike are more than just that of a friend.

Given that this parallel reinforces the same feelings Will and Jonathan had in s3 to now, why would this not also reinforce those same feelings that Mike had in s3 to now?

In the first scene, Mike was visibly distraught, with dialogue from Hopper in the background applying a little too perfectly with what he was feeling in that moment, which was scared. He’s apparently back together with El now, despite them doing just fine as friends for the last 3 months, as well as him and Will just having finally gone back to them being on good terms again. But now, it’s like he’s right back where he started at the beginning of s3, feeling obligated to be the perfect boyfriend to El, and as a result, having no choice in his eyes but to distance himself from Will. Mike then walks into his house looking like a zombie, almost emotionless stepping into his mother's embrace.

Now, I say almost emotionless because it looks like Mike was trying to hold back showing how he truly felt in this moment. He's not crying like he did in s1 when he lost Will that first time. Time has passed and things have changed (he doesn't want things to change). And he's trying his best to keep it together. But the in-focus close-ups make it clear that he is definitely not okay.

What's so impactful about these parallels is that it presents the inner struggle both of these characters are having, both queer and experiencing doubts, but in different ways and for different reasons.

Will is the one who covers it all up with lies, hiding the tears in his eyes, because boys don't cry.

Mike is the one who has never cried to them, just to his soul (RUN AWAY! TURN AWAY! RUN AWAY! TURN AWAY! RUN AWAY!!!).

If you actually try to get a gage on Mike's in-focus emotions in that first scene vs. his out-of-focus emotions in that second scene, well they're not that far off from each other.

We go from Mike smiling vibrantly at Will, to him now slowly turning away to look back down at the painting, with whatever the hell emotion this is...

It's near impossible to catch because of how out-of-focus it is, but looking a lot closer, it honestly appears like Mike is feeling something akin to sadness that he's trying to mask. For a moment it even looks like he turns his head to wince emotionally, only to correct himself.

And call me crazy, but these shots also low-key parallel each other. Mike looking down trying to keep his emotions in check and failing miserably, only to look up and meet eyes with someone whose witnessing it.

With each shot before this of Jonathan observing Mike looking at Will, with him showing all the emotions Will never got to see and everything else in between, I wonder what Jon saw this time? Probably another thing he didn't expect.

Can you just try to imagine the silence in this van, accompanied by Will's muffled sobs, and then try to imagine Mike turning to look down at the painting, only to sneak a glance, and then go right back to looking at the painting, IN SILENCE, and then try to tell me how the assumption that Mike didn’t notice Will crying makes any sense, like realistically?

Yeah me and Jonathan are confused too.

Right now, Jonathan's probably wondering why Mike was acting a little fruity and repressed during the painting reveal. And that although he may have a penchant for being able to 'capture the right moment', Mike is sticking with his story (despite all the stalling and doubt). He is 100% straight!

And so maybe this is where Jonathan tries to accept what is being presented to him as the truth, despite the contradictions in front of him. It's likely that despite the way Mike looks at Will and acts around him, in ways he would have assumed coming from Nancy in s2 would've been evidence that she felt the same, it probably doesn't apply to Mike.

Maybe Jonathan's ready to accept that it's a lot more likely Will is experiencing unrequited love as a gay kid growing up in a small town, the most predictable experience a gay kid could go through, and in contrast Mike just feels too bad to let Will down easy.

Or who knows, maybe Mike could still be a little bit gay too...

But it doesn't matter anyways. Mike seems to be adamant about this and so there's really nothing else Jonathan can he do besides tell his brother he'll be there for him no matter what. And so he does just that.

But then Mike just has to surprise him one last time.

For those that don't know, the line Mike gives here in his monologue was in part pulled from Will's monologue in the van. Most don't know this because this line didn't make the final cut for the van scene, but in the official script the writers posted, what we find is an almost a direct parallel.

Which makes the reaction shots of Will and Jonathan directly after Mike says this all the more epic.

From Will's end he was probably hearing Mike say this and just thinking 'Damn. Well, that's what you get for using your feelings to inspire Mike to profess his love to El.'

But from Jonathan's end, I don't think his outside POV of these events overlapping was nearly as naive as his brothers understanding of the events. Because why the fuck would Mike need to use Will's feelings to inspire him to profess his love to El in the first place? Is this what Mike has been struggling with? Really? Why before every moment Mike takes action in this scene, is Will's hand literally pushing him into it? Why is Mike being so dramatic about saying I love you, stuttering and rambling about her being a superhero, not saying nearly as meaningful of things as what Will said in the van?

And then it hits him.

Mike is reminding him a little too much of another Wheeler right now...

Nancy Wheeler, who was afraid of what would happen if she accepted herself for who she really was, leading her to retreat back to the safety of Steve. Because Nancy liked Steve, but she didn't love Steve.

And now here is Mike Wheeler, who has went from being incredibly distant with Will after reuniting with El, something that is very unlike the Mike he knew in previous seasons, to something more himself again after they make up, with him looking at Will with adoration after hearing his words in the van, only to turn away and look heartbroken. Mike who is now struggling to simply tell El he loves her with Will right behind him literally yelling at him to do it.

And now it's like all those little moments are starting to add up to Jonathan.

Suddenly all those signs he picked up on from Will when he was younger are now blending in with moments Will shared with Mike. It was Mike who jumped in after him and his mom's speech to Will in the shed in s2, with tears in his eyes recalling the day that they met (without being asked, let alone pushed to). And it's Mike who is now looking like he's at war with himself as he attempts to give encouragement to El, just like he did with Will in s2, but this time he needs someone to push him to do it, and that person just so happens to be Will. After just finding out about Will's feelings and also while assuming El wants him to love her that way still, Mike is stuck.

I don't think it's takes a genius to consider Jonathan is capable of realizing how fucked they all are in this situation.

As much as Mike isn't ready for a sleuth of reasons, Will isn't ready either.

This provides a huge contrast between the bylers ², because while Jonathan and Nancy went through a similar experience to Will and Mike, them being ready to accept it and act on it didn't involve nearly as many factors and risks. Will and Mike also have the added barrier that is homophobia.

Will's internalized homophobia lies in part with assuming Mike could never feel the same based on some of the words he said in their last two fights, with parts being painfully reminiscent of the things his dad and bullies used to say about him. These are also words that contradict Mike's own words and actions from the previous seasons, things that did once give Will hope. The shame and guilt that comes with falling for your best friend, who you now know will never feel the same after being foolish enough to believe it not too long ago, and who might not even want to be your friend anymore upon finding out the truth, is understandable. He can't have hope like Jonathan can. It's just not the same.

Mike's internalized homophobia lies with assuming El wants him to love her, along with their relationship being expected and socially acceptable from everyone around him. Though unfortunately for her he feels abundantly more in love in the moments he shares with Will. Despite trying to make it work with El as hard as he could, because she's amazing and all any guy could hope for in a girlfriend, he can't ignore the fact that the feelings he has for these two people are different. The shame and guilt that comes with you, a boy, falling for your best friend, who is also a boy, and who is starting to show that he feels the same, all while you can't muster up the courage to break up with your girlfriend, nor can you muster up the courage to tell her that you love her, not when she's begging you, dying or even just simply at the end of a letter, is pretty understandable too. He can't have hope like Nancy can. It's just not the same.

Spoiler: They were not ready.

PS: I'm still not over the fact that they low-key confirmed these events elsewhere in the story...

[amuseoffyre]

I was reading the interview with Jes Tom about the trans allegory of Ed dropping his leathers overboard and my brain latched onto it and started gnawing :D

It got me thinking that this definitely vibes with feelings I had back in 1x10 with Izzy keeping this emotionally vulnerable version of Blackbeard safely hidden from public view ("you will not speak of what you see on pain of death"), Lucius encouraging Ed to express himself and the whole "this… whatever it is that you have become" scene.

Ed says it there himself "I am still Blackbeard" and Izzy flat-out tells him he's not unless he presents himself a specific way, dresses and acts a specific way ('this is Blackbeard'.) Simply being "Edward" and expressing himself and his emotions means that Ed faces hostility, derision, implicit threat and "I should have let the English kill you".

Ed pulls on his leathers again again because he's been threatened by someone close to him, but this time it's different - the intent is different. No more "I am still Blackbeard" because apparently his version of Blackbeard isn't enough (and this is already on the back of Stede saying "you can't be Blackbeard without your black beard"). Now it's "the kraken" or "the fucking devil".

More importantly, when he puts the clothes back on, he does it based on one of the propaganda pictures distributed by the English. This isn't his choice of presentation anymore. I find it fascinating that his look at the beginning of S2 is some kind of hybrid of the Mad Devile Pyrate Blackbeard and the image that Izzy shoved in his face in 1x10. (Also love the detail that Izzy's image has elements that appear in Black Pete's fantasy of Blackbeard, to confirm that this image isn't accurate either)

It's a defensive pushback, escalating to the 'viking vampire clown' aesthetic, because if he's being threatened by someone he trusted and he's had past experience of people being nice to him then turning on him ('it's a fickle crowd'), he'll have to go to another extreme to make sure no one will get close enough to hurt him or threaten him again.

The clothing is only a surface element. It's part of an armour to protect himself with his presentation. Stede's line in 1x03 explains it in a nutshell - "It's a power move - make people feel underdressed and suddenly, you're the one in charge". People don't know him/aren't afraid of him when they see him without it (the party ship - "do you know who I am?") and this carries over into S2 as well (the people at the fish shack).

It only hit me now that every scene where he expresses his emotions when he's in his leathers includes some kind of hiding - his hair loose around his face, hiding under a robe in Stede's bath tub, standing at the back of the ship where no one can see his face, closing himself away to cry in an empty room, hiding under a blanket at Mary and Anne's. He's been forced to hide his vulnerabilities when he's in his armour for decades.

Even when he's talking to Stede (and others), he doesn't express his real intentions. It's all skirting around what he actual wants and feels. The "run me through", the "next adventure" - Ed doesn't feel he can express what he wants directly, because he always has to keep his guard up.

The beginning of 2x07 is Ed wanting to shed the need for that surface armour, that visible shield for Edward. He drops them overboard and immediately goes and talks to Stede about his emotions and his feelings for the first time.

The fact that Izzy saw the leather-drop and this time says "maybe you should listen to it" instead of tearing him down shows how far they've come. Ed feels safe with Stede and wants to just be himself, but when faced with the idea of staying in the world where that armour - that presentation and the expectations that come with it - is necessary again, he panics and runs.

Then their entire world is burning and as far as he knows, Stede is injured or dead.

Once again, the leathers come back, but this time, Ed is the one who chooses to put them on. He's taking this piece of himself that he has hated for years and turns it back into the armour that has protected him for this long to get back to Stede. Him having that choice, making that choice, is key.

I think the biggest thing is him realising he can be Blackbeard and Ed and whoever he wants to be without cutting off pieces of himself. So much of the Blackbeard presentation has been code-switching and hiding his real self. This time, he doesn't hide. He finds a letter and has a cry over it and the instant he's back at Stede's side, he drops his weapon and, for the first time, kisses Stede out in the open in front of people and tells him he loves him.

Ed is no longer afraid to be seen and expressing himself. He's letting himself - all aspects of himself - be seen. The clothes aren't him. They just happen to be there while he is himself.

My expectation is that S3 will see him finally being able to leave that armour behind for good and I can't wait for it.

[hooffuloftootsierolls]

Spoilers from leaks for S2(no pictures, just me rambling)

First of all, it's funny in the saddest way to see people depicting Abel and Adam having a healthy relationship with one another and Abel mourning his father. You guys are gonna shatter when S2 releases. Second of all,

I keep thinking about Abel's behavior towards his dad's passing.

In the S2 leaks, Abel only mentions his dad a handful of times, and it's never quite.. with grief. Still, interestingly enough, I feel like he's acting almost like he's trying to be angry or sad about his father's death.

He refers to his dad as "dearly departed", mentions that he's partial on continuing the Exterminations because even though he dislikes confrontation, "they did sorta kinda kill [his] dad a little bit, so... maybe?" and also he tries to retrieve one of Adam's guitars from Adam's quarters to "remember him by" before a grief-crazed Lute screams at him to get out and tries to hit him with the guitar. But this is all said in a normal, unaffected tone, not the kind of way you'd expect someone to talk about their late father.

Overall pretty apathetic behavior, right?

But what intrigues me is the fact that Abel doesn't even necessarily need to act sad.

Lute says it herself, nobody else cares about Adam being dead. This could just be Lute's view, but she doesn't seem wrong(which I am SO pissed about). Emily seems happy as a lark, Sera is moping about the Exterminations, everyone else seems more worried about the Exterminations being kept from them/the possibility of an uprising, and only think of Adam as an example of an angel dying at the claws of a demon, not an actual mourned loss.

Ok, so nobody cares, and I doubt anybody would call out Adam's secondborn son for not caring either. After all, wouldn't that just reinforce a reasoning for their apathy? If his son doesn't care, Adam must have been a real monster undeserving of any grief. After all, according to Lute, Adam didn't even like Abel. So why is Abel still trying to act like he cares instead of just admitting he doesn't feel sad about his dad's death?

I'm going to reference a line from one of my favorite pieces of literature; "And he remembered thinking then that if she died, he was certain he wouldn't cry. For it would be the dying of an unknown, a street face, a newspaper image, and it was suddenly so very wrong that he had begun to cry, not at death but at the thought of not crying at death"(Fahrenheit 451, PDF page 44). (Wow imagine referencing a philosophical classic in a Hazbin Hotel ramble-) To sum this quote up, the main character feels less horrified at the possible death of his wife, and more horrified at how screwed up it is that he wouldn't feel grief.

I think Abel has a similar situation. He's struggling with trying to grieve, trying to convince others that he's grieving, because he feels guilty about his lack of emotions. But still, why? What reason would he have to feel guilty if Adam didn't like him?

This is where things are less speculation and more just me trying to desperately find ways to project onto characters. The chances of this being nitpicky and semantic are through the roof, but Lute's wording of "Adam didn't even fucking like you" suggests Adam never liked him, but she still didn't use the word never. Also she said Adam didn't like him, which isn't the same as dislike, it's just a lack of like. I know this is hyperspecific and far-fetched but work with me here. What if Adam and Abel had a healthy relationship at some point, but they grew apart somehow?

Let's talk about Abel's time alive. Now let's be honest here, Viv is probably gonna find a way to make Adam seem like a horrible asshole father. Obviously he wouldn't be the best dad, but he was literally the first human father. In existence. He had absolutely no frame of reference for how to care for children, him and Eve were just winging it while already struggling to survive by themselves. Please for the love of God, I hope Vivzie doesn't try to paint him as a horrible father. I want to imagine he had a good relationship with his children. Abel might have known Adam as a loving father once, and that would explain why he would feel guilty for not feeling grief. So what about them growing apart?

Well think about how Abel died-- he got his skull fucking bashed in with a rock by his older brother. That had to be traumatizing. With Adam not seeing his son until Adam passed-- maybe even longer, if it's still true that Adam is the first human soul, because maybe Abel ended up manifesting in Heaven later which is a whole nother theory-- and also Abel traumatized by his gruesome death and possibly repressing a lot of memories from life, I wouldn't be surprised if the two were just... disconnected when they saw each other again. Adam didn't like Abel. He had at one point, but now they were distant and felt like strangers with each other.

Still, throughout it all, Abel still knew Adam was his dad and he felt they had been close at some point, so when Adam died this part may or may not be me writing my own feelings surrounding my grief of my late father he felt kind of horrified with himself, that his years of disconnection with his father actually led to him feeling apathetic about his passing. He struggled to bring out any emotion or feeling of grief even if he tried to play the part and act like he was mourning, but all the same also didn't want to reflect on his relationship with his father because he didn't want to feel the anguish of losing his dad.

But let's be realistic here, we're talking about Hazbin Hotel, a show that is desperately trying to make a commentary on things it knows nothing about. More likely, Adam is a shitty father, he never liked Abel, him and Abel never had a good connection, and their relationship was so distant that Abel genuinely couldn't care less about his dead dad and is just trying to act like he does for some unknown reason.

But fuck Vivziepop I'm gonna sit over here in my corner and make these characters more complex by projecting my own experiences and emotions onto them bada boom

[acatwithstockings]

These are the unhinged ramblings of a hamster stuck in a cage with nothing more than a wheel to amuse themselves.

Take it or leave but I am going to talk about how the 1992 movie script might have had some influences on the final Tv-series. In this bout of questionable literary analysis I will question some fandom perceptions, slander(for a lack of a better term since it's pretty much impossible to make him look worse than he already does bc holy fuck) a certain author, point out even the slightest of parallels and no doubt make some people feel some feelings they would rather not, because that is what happens if you bring up the shit!script at family gatherings. I have been banned from many already! Then again maybe barging in on random stranger celebrating grandpappies birthday, might be the bigger problem here. And yes, this is my attempt at being humorous, I know I am not good at it. I am over analysing the shit!script, what do you honestly expect.

(THIS IS A LONG READ SO PACK SNACKS AND SNAKES, YES, PACK A SNAKE FOR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT, I AM SERIOUS)

For those not in the know, which might be some, the 1992 script is the second attempt at a first draft for the first attempt at an adaptation on our beloved story. Rumor has it the producer tried to shift the whole story over to america, Sir Terry and (lets all collectively sigh in inmesserurable contempt) that Gaiman guy said no and delivering a script that was deemed too close to the book by the studio. That script had halo fights in it, so please say "Thank you, Sir Terry" for that halo scene in S2, we might never know who exactly had the idea for it in the first place , but for my own sanity I have chosen to stay delusional. Since that script was rejected, Sir Terry did the right thing and left the project, leaving the other guy to pen the piece of infamous writing, the fandom loves to hate, all on his own. With a few stipulations from consecutive and readable exhaustion in his words he wrote something, that also got rejected by the Studio on the basis of being too different from the book. Then the studio went bankrupt, nobody got paid and in 2004, Gaiman decided to release the script into the world with a limited run under Hillhouse's author's preferred series with 500 numbered and 52 lettered copies available. And as I have learned from the Terry Prattchet wiki Lspace.org, all of them signed by the author. It was titled "A screenplay" and wrapped in blue, mimicking a legitimate scripts used on sets. Proudly taking it's place as curious oddity in the history of our beloved franchise.

Hillhouse also went defunct.

Curiously it's unleasing upon the public coincided with the growing certainty that Terry Gilliams attempt at an adaptation of Good Omens was going nowhere. Which in of itself means nothing but is a fact my brain likes to regurgitate as one of those things that might make you think about other things in highnsight. There might be a case to be made about certain very-keen-on-his-positive-public-image persons trying to hog the limelight and controlling the narrative, HOWEVER this point is not one for that case.

After it's release it got a few positive professional reviews, of which one proudly proclaimed, they had never gotten around to reading the Book since Sir Terry Prattchet's writing had a habit of boring them and so they had been deterred from giving it a try. And a second very pretentiously blows smoke up the author's ass as well. Which might tell you, what we are about to get into. And after that? Well I honestly don't really know. At one point it found its way into fandom circulation, the narrative around it got mixed with details from the Terry Gilliam adaptation that never was, and then someone brought it up to Neil Gaiman and suddenly people were very against the further sharing of the whole thing, bc the author said so.

There seems to be some legal complications around its existence. An author that changed the narrative from 'some of the aspects were changed because of the executives' to 'All of it, all of it is the way because they wanted it so'. Threats of copyright take downs for our own protection (?). Which I honestly always found a bit ironic. Omissions about its unleashing while throwing out that it might get published for charity if the author can circumvent the consequences for himself. Which makes me very much interested into getting a glimpse at the contracts that made it possible for a no longer existent Studio, that didn't pay for the work done mind you, to still have such a monumental hold on the thing. And over all even with my two semesters of mandatory copyright law I can't tell you for certain what in the double stuffed FUCK is going on with that thing in a legal sense.

So if you should be interested in reading it, you can find an archival copy here. I suggest you view it on mobile since the desktop version has a really atrocious add system. And an other version is provided by Kanna-Ophelia (idk if she would want to be tagged in my demented rabelings, so I just put the link in)

All I know is that the author is an unreliable narrator, prone to controlling the narrative in his own favor. Who was very much more concerned with his public image instead of taking accountability for his actions. Remember "It has always been a love story" is just a cope with the right amount of truth to it, so he didn't have to admit that at least for some amount of time he found it mindboggling that people had the audacity to take what was written seriously.

(NG April 08, 2002) Also no, red has not always been included with the dark hair, the costume department just made a good call. And I am pretty salty that we as a fandom still can't quite admit that we made The ineffable spouses happen instead of it always being intended. Yes authorial intent can change, BUT we made it happen. We took our shared custody, acknowledged by Sir Terry Prattchet and ran with it. That everybody else involved with the production seemed to also be very enthusiastic about it probably also helped.

By now you are probably asking: What's with all that nonsense. And well, this long preamble was to make a few things clear. First a rough history of the 1992 script and its publication, putting it in relation to what eventually lead up to the TV-series, mainly pointing towards its existence prior to the talks of a potential sequel, second I have been hyperfixating an that thing (against my will, mind you) for over a year, I just need to get the rambling out of my system, and third, that the author is a deceptive piece of manure that relies on a narrative that reasures the fans that 'it has always been intended' to put himself as an authority over a story that is not entirely his and never had been.

The point is, the 1992 script exists in a very interesting spot in the timeline, so you can neither prove nor completely rebut the possibility that at least subconsciously some parts of it influenced the TV-series. And believing the author when he says "No, I would have never" is a fools errant .

Welp, time for the main course of this long read, which won’t get a TLDR because I, to put it bluntly, can’t keep things short. You might have noticed already.

How did the shit!script (potentially) influence the TV series?

First of all the obvious.

The 1992 script is the first instance where the concept of showing us the ineffables throughout the ages is explored. We all loved the cold open. So please do excuse me if I point to the opening in the script and say, "case and point". While the Eden scene falls to the wayside in favor of it just being a painting, the script opens with a picture show, depicting Aziraphale and Crowley in various scenarios, always side by side. Of course it’s just images of them, however the idea is there. The focus is on them and their relationship instead of the novel's occasionally flavor text usually centering Crowley to make a funny remark about the absurdity of it all.

Second the concept of one coming to the other's rescue out of the blue. Sure in the shit!script it is Aziraphale who goes for a mad dash after sensing something might be wrong with Crowley. But as so many other things got switched around with the characters, it is not a far stretch to say that the concept of one sensing the other being in danger and coming to the rescue originated here as well. Granted in the show we are getting a toned down version of this concept, with Crowley appearing in the Bastile and the church (you could also count Aziraphale bringing the holy water ) and it could be argued it’s simply because the two of them have a habit of hovering in each other’s orbit, however it is still the same concept. One senses/realizes the other is in danger and comes running. Something that is arguably not in the novel.

Third the ending. Yes I am going there. In the novel the status quo in regards of our two beloved idiots doesn’t change. Heaven and hell go their merry way and go right back to ignoring what has happened. You could say it’s the whole point of them. Detached entities that think they can exert authority but in the end have to concede that their involvement is pointless and therefore go right back into just pretending. And Aziraphale and Crowley stay in their role that are essentially the same, stay the same and for them nothing has changed, they haven’t changed. In the script however, there is not just an attempt at punishing Crowley and Aziraphale, Crowley just straight up quits hell. The status quo is disrupted. They both end the story in a different situation than they had been in before. Crowley more so than Aziraphale. Essentially S2 ends with the same constellation as the script. Crowley no longer interested in working for hell while Aziraphale is still (and in the case of S2 again) employed by heaven.

I could go on about a rant how the novel ending is so beautifully Pratchian and how the TV show kinda didn’t do it for me in that regard (don’t worry I still love it I just find the og ending a bit more fitting for the overall flair of the story) but I won’t. Instead I will conjure an imaginary person that says “But the ending could have been a setup for what they had planned for a sequel, you can’t point at the shit!script and say it’s to blame”. And to that person is say “Great point, I can still point to the shit!script and blame it, because talks about a sequel were made AFTER it was written. It very well might have influenced the talks about a sequel as well!”

That’s the beauty of the creative process, influences can persist throughout multiple iterations and things like that can happen subconsciously.

Fourth the focus on Aziraphale and Crowley. Sure Crowley is casted as sort of pov protagonist in the novel as well, however even there he is more of a framing device. Its actually kinda genius how Good Omens is structured in regards of this. But that is a whole different essay. The point is Crowley and Aziraphale act as bystander and occasionally plots devices to the actual actors and in the end the driving force was humanities combined humanity all along. You could not exactly take them out of the story but in the grand scheme of things they are rather useless in the roles they occupy. It’s beautiful, it’s hilarious, it’s again so very Prattchian and it dose remind me of the wizards of the unseen university. The point is the main focus is not on them, despite how hard we as fandom got attached to them from the very beginning.

Well not in the shit!script. While even there the time is mostly occupied with other characters (mainly Adam and Anathema) Crowley and Aziraphale are a driving force here. They occupy a considerably part of the plot and drive the story. And while it is toned down in the tv adaptation it is undeniable that even there the two of them aren’t the mostly self contained Anker points for the human actors anymore. The story telling focus is skewed, no longer on humanities humanity and them as detached decoys but rather them as focal point of the narrative. You can see that in the way content got cut or added. It skews disproportionately towards the ineffables which can only partially be blamed on the general difficulties in adapting a Prattchian story. A decision had been made to actively give the plotfram more

And yes I have to concede that could also just be a quirk of trying to adapt a story that is mostly based on meta humour and clever side jabs. But it is also a thing that is very prominent in the shit!script and therefore influences might be pointed out.

As honourable mention just as little break in the middle before I go full conspiracy mode on you, Satan’s final appearance. For someone so adamant in pointing to Studio execs for wanting Satan to appear, NG was very happy to put that bloke into the TV show, wasn’t he? Him just poofing into smoke without ever having the chance to have everyone panicking paying off was certainly anticlimactic, I give you that. A bit of humor that works better on a page than the screen. But the fact that the dialogue between Satan and Adam is both found in a version intended for the screen is funny to me.

The Tv series had the advantage of a narrator, they wouldn't have needed for Adam to say the 'Not my dad' part out loud. They could also have had Satan not show up, despite all the theatrics (like in the novel) and have Adam just shrugg it of and tell us that way what had happends. But nop they had the exchange.

As an other fun fact. In the 1992 script Satan calls Aziraphale a pathetic excuse of an angel, and I wonder where we heard that .

Could it be?

(Just as a side note, I don't think it was in the novel, I certainly can't remember it being in there and I got nothing Abt it in my notes, but if it should be there I take everything back pfff)

And now to the most controversial part. Not that any of this isn’t in the realm of people rather not wanting to hear about it already, but you know. I think this part is definitely the most subjective. I am talking characterisation.

Ah, I can already hear the resounding “How could you”s. Ok listen, we are in fandom. Apart from all of us having subjective characterisations with only roughly overlapping ideas no matter what, because that is how the human experience works. We are also in a space notorious for, at some point ignoring canon and just having fun. And that’s ok. We all like to have fun and we all deserve to have fun. And overanalysing things is my sort of fun. We can definitely agree to disagree, just please stick to the smaller stones.

So let’s go.

Aziraphale’s and Crowley’s internalized struggles are partially informed by the shit!script version of them.

So hear me out. In the novel Aziraphale and Crowley are very secure persons. Their respective reluctance to engage in certain actions stems more from them trying to perform their job expectations and less from them having an internal struggle. They treat each other as co-workers from different offices in the same building. When they say ‘You are the opposition’, they mean I don’t want the paperwork. Their headquarters are interchangeable for both of them, it just so happens that the one they ended up with fits their personality more. And while Tv them is getting there, they both have more ridged internalized roles that are informed by their headquarters. They are not so much agents that just happen to work for the opposite site, their sides do indeed inform part of their identity, for Tv!Aziraphale more so than for Tv!Crowley. And in s2 it is only getting more pronounced.

You can especially see this in fandom perception. While fandom often overwrites canon in some aspects it also tends to over exaggerate it too. There is definitely a shift in characterisations present in fanfiction that has picked up on this as well. Pre series fics tended to have the both of them be more nonchalant towards their headquarters while post series (even more so post s2) fics often play more with the internalized struggle of it. This can also be ‘blamed’ on a general social shift and common sensibilities changing however canon does play a role in this as well.

The thing is, this shift also happens in the script. Mostly with Crowley. (This is probably a good point to mention that Script! Crowley takes on a few of novel!Aziraphale's actions which makes his character so muddeled, but as I already mentioned even if things get shifted between characters the concept stays) Script!Aziraphale is the more secure one of the both of them. But they both have a theme of unpacking internalized stereotypes based on their respective roles that they have to deal with. In the script Adam has a talk with them where they both realize or at least think about this internalized part of them. And it’s shown (rather clumsily) that both of them put up facades based on what they perceive as their respective role which they start to break out of in the end.

This is in fact not in the novel. Yes they do have questions and discussions about their roles in the grand scheme of things but those are held between the two of them without ever questioning them as a person. They are ridged and are discussing a system they already know as flawed. In the Tv series they are questioning the system and themselves. It especially shows in S2. Take Crowley’s anger management for example.

First of all Crowley’s anger problem is also a thing that can be put down to the shit!script. The wall slam scene could have fit in there as well. The only thing making it not shit!script worthy are the direction and acting choices. But that's besides the point right now. In the novel Crowley doesn’t need to change anything about how he expresses anger (bc he doesn’t really have a anger promblem to begin with) or his treatment of his plants, it’s part of his character that just so happens to fit with his role. In the Tv series he does. He as person is changing in a myriad of small ways because he is deconstructing himself despite the system and even more so once he is outside of it. Aziraphale on the other hand hasn’t started the process fully and is struggling with it but is also determined to get there by intending to dismantle the system from the inside first.

In the 1992 script both Crowley and Aziraphale need to overcome preconceived motions they have about the other while also overcoming their own internalized role.

The script makes a few line from the novel the whole of Crowley’s character. In the novel right before Satan 'appears' and but actually doesn’t, Aziraphale and him have a short exchange.

(Horrible citing etiquette ahead because I didn’t have a digital copy at hand and the text recognition tool didn’t want to pick up the lettering from the physical and I am too lazy to type, so I had the audiobook dictate it and was too lazy to edit it correctly)

[(somewhere around page 209)...] In the jeep Crowley was cursing. Aziraphale laid a hand on his shoulder “There are humans here,” he said.

“Yes," said Crowley "And me.”

“I mean we shouldn’t let this happen to them”

“Well, What?” Crowley began, and stopped.

“I mean, when you think about it, we’ve got them into enough trouble as it is, you and me, over the year, with one thing and another”

“We were only doing our jobs,” muttered Crowley.

“Yes, So what? lots of people in history have only done their jobs and look at the trouble they caused.

“You don't mean we should actually try to stop him?”

“What have you got to lose?”

Crowley started to argue and realised that he couldn't. There was nothing he could lose that he hadn’t lost already. They couldn’t do anything worse to him than he had coming to him already. He felt free at last. He also felt under the seat and found a tyre iron. It wouldn't be any good, but then nothing would. In fact, it would be much more terrible facing the adversary with anything like a decent weapon. That way you might have a bit of hope which would make it worse. [...]

This exchange and insight into Crowley's thought process perfectly encapsulates the whole of script!Crowley’s ark. What is easily dealt with in a few lines in the novel, since he is such a secure and ridged character in it, is made into the whole foundation of the character in the script. A grovelling coward that is afraid of what his side might do to him because he knows what they are capable of and tires to play up the big bad to keep up face.

In the novel Crowley doesn’t need to slam Aziraphale into a wall, or get angry when the angel plays up the innocence and virtuesness. There is no reason for it. They both know the bit of token protest they give when reminding the other of their side is just that, token protest, protocol, an automated response. In the script them both knowing it’s just pretend but struggle with still having internalized some of it is the whole point. And that definitely bled into the series.

There is also a parallel to be drawn between the hurtful things Aziraphale says during the final fifteen and script!Aziraphale's attitude towards Crowley's status as demon. In the script Crowley's demoness is at the same time an excuse and a dismissal of his behavior. He uses it as a tool to dimiss Crowley's distress and excuse his habit of cheating, while also putting himself above Crowley for 'having the pride and virtue from playing honest'.

Litteraly the first thing script!Aziraphale does is dismiss Crowley's concerns using his status as a demon. Doing it again, once script!Crowley is drunk and tries to tell him about his predicament.

To make one thing clear, I am NOT saying the things said in the final fifteen are directly comperable. No, Tv!Aziraphale doesn't have the same motivations as script!Aziraphale. However it is very interesting that in both the script and Tv, Aziraphale gets dialogue that insinuates/could be interpreted as him viewing heaven/being an angel as the better option. And that in both cases these stem from internalized beliefs about his roles that he ends up having to confront.

Of course none of this is a straight line from one version to the other. There are over two full decades and a ton of other people between the two after all. But to fully dismiss the possibility that the oddity that is the shit!script didn’t influence the final adaption is also a bit dishonest. Maybe those patterns that I noticed were just my over active brain spinning around in it's hamster wheel. Sure, I will absolutely admit to that. Maybe my brain is just absolute mush because I just wrote a ~4k word think piece about it, when I could have been sleeping. Maybe, nobody will even read that far, because honestly I probably wouldn’t if I were already staunchly appalled by the existence of that specific piece of writing.

In the end it’s all just a bit of fun and interesting coincidences that may or may not have been related.

At any rate, no, the shit script is still not good. It absolutely lacks that certain Prattchian touch. And yes, I didn’t write about the other parts, because there aren’t many parallels there. Point four and the more severe changes to the story saw to that I suppose.

If you managed to get through my rabelings, congratulations 👏🎉 Have a .... Ehhh ... I can offer a piece of cold homemade lasagna. I do apologize for any grammatical errors and spelling mistakes.

[lexiecon-mp4]

A Loki (S1-S2) Retrospective

Day 7: Free/AU Day

Prompt: what might have been

Something I had always been curious about when watching seasons 1-2 was wondering what the events of the series looked like to the average analyst at the TVA. Considering the entire culture and purpose of the organization changes after Lokius's shenanigans, it would be a wack experience to someone outside of the loop.

But instead of writing a meta or analysis, I decided to go with a more creative route in the hopes of capturing that first-person perspective. Imagine this:

You've worked at the TVA for your entire life; it's all you've ever known and is the entire purpose of your existence. Led by the valiant Timekeepers, the organization worked to preserve the order of all things. Nothing could come in between you and your mission. Every individual quirk or unique trait of yours has either been hidden or steamrolled completely. They're just small defects in the greater role you were designed for, so you ignore any pull of interest towards any life outside of the TVA.

As such, the most interesting things that end up happening in the TVA's halls are whispers of hunter missions gone wrong or a particular unruly variant, but nothing of real interest. At least, not since the rumored incident involving a child variant and former hunter Judge Renslayer. You don't expect anything of the sort to happen again, considering her iron hold on tracking the missing variant down.

And then, witnesses of a particular trial report of something involving a captured Loki variant straight off the sacred timeline. It wasn't supposed to be anything special, just a routine verdict and pruning, but one agent's interruption threw everything into a tailspin.

Renslayer's associate and former partner disrupted her verdict to propose keeping this variant in a time theater in the hopes of finding that elusive variant. No one knows how he got in there, let alone how he knew the trial was happening considering only a few analysts are called to attend them. But most surprising of all, the judge agreed.

The time theaters were rarely used, only for the rare occasions of determining the causes of nexus events by questioning variants. Or, as containment rooms for offsite incidents involving hunters. So despite being a smaller development, the news spread as quick as wildfire. You didn't pay much mind, thinking that soon enough the variant would be pruned as usual once his use was fulfilled.

Suddenly, the captured Loki variant was being spotted all over the TVA. Not trying to escape, but working alongside the agent who saved him.

Almost comical descriptions of the pair being spotted in the halls, the archives, the cafeteria, and all over would be brought up briefly during breaks. The imagery of a variant (specifically, one that was quite deceitful and murderous) following a TVA agent around like some lost puppy seemed too ridiculous to believe. Yet as the pair became more commonplace, more of the TVA's workers began to voice their desires to work with variants, even in jest.

Much of the TVA's policy strictly prohibited fraternization with variants and even with other workers. But this newfound alliance flew directly in the face of all those protocols, so much so that it began to influence the thinking of those from all levels of the TVA's hierarchy. What if analysts, hunters and agents could work with variants to protect the Sacred Timeline? Could it be possible to trust them with the most well-guarded secret in all existence? So while everyone kept their heads and voices down, the hypothetical seemed more and more possible.

At least, until the news broke that the captured Loki variant had, in fact, escaped with the other rogue variant as soon as the hold on him loosened on a timeline. All the talk of brushing shoulders with variants immediately ceased, and the entire TVA went into panic mode trying to find them and repair the destruction they caused.

The disappointment, even on your end, was widespread and astonishingly unexpected. You had anticipated this at first, yet still held hope that it could work out. But it was clear to everyone that something like this would never happen again. Not under Renslayer at least, who likely felt responsible for the breach.

So after the pair were captured again, things were quiet for a while. Both variants would be pruned, the agents and hunters involved properly reprimanded, and that would be it. Everyone would begin to quietly move on from this lapse in the norm as if nothing happened.

You weren't sure how the news broke at first. Just that suddenly, the truth was everywhere and the carefully crafted reality of your existence was blown to smithereens.

Everyone was a variant. Their previous lives had been pruned just as they had done to billions for eons. The Timekeepers didn't exist. All of this had been built as a facade to keep everyone in line. To not ever question the inklings of a past life that still lingered after being turned into servants of a purpose that might not even be true.

There was barely time to digest it before the sacred timeline went haywire as dozens of new branches turned into hundreds. Mass confusion spread as many wondered whether they should listen to the hasty order that prohibited timeline pruning, or continue the job they had been tasked with since their inception. But when a group of rogue hunters managed to eliminate dozens of timelines in one fell swoop, you didn't feel relief. The weight of what you all had been complicit to settled.

And then, when you finally had the chance, you started to wonder; what life was taken from you? What experiences did you have that formed the unique nature of your personality, your dreams, your interests? All of these things that you once considered to be flaws in your design were in fact who you really were. Yet that life was something you could never know of for sure.

The rest of the time before the Event was a blur. Somehow the pruning of the two Loki variants had led them to the man supposedly responsible for the TVA's existence. While the male variant returned to the TVA, the female variant disappeared, and everyone was now searching for her yet again. The rogue hunters and dissenting judge were captured. It was later revealed that a furious Renslayer had killed the entire group for refusing to aid her in restoring order.

Reports of the residing Loki variant and the agent running around started again, and a strange but anchoring sense of deja vu surfaced. But it was clear things were very different now. Not just in the people, but the TVA as a whole. An impending feeling of doom, with every shake and malfunction in the structure, settled like a heavy fog.

Before anyone was the wiser, the shaking escalated with great intensity and blaring evacuation alarms sounded. Panic ensued as no one was really prepared for the idea of leaving the TVA behind entirely; it was everything any of them had ever known. There was barely time to put pens back in desk drawers as hundreds of thousands of workers decended to lower levels to escape onto designated timelines, some of which now looked incredibly different due to the excessive branching. You'd never seen so many of your fellow workers in one place before, and every single one of them was just as afraid as you were.

Now, it was just to wait until it was clear there was no coming back from the destruction. The buildings shook even harder like everything was going to cave in, the lights suddenly going out—

And then, silence.

No one moved in fear of disrupting the sudden quiet that permeated the entire complex.

Eventually, as the lights came back on, it was apparent that the threat was somehow... gone. Things were more still, more peaceful than they had ever been in your entire life here.

When you came back to your desk, with everyone still dead-silent, the files laid open and the terminal blinked like a still life. Remaining just the same as you had left it, but with the feeling that everything had changed.

It took several work cycles before the full story emerged. The Loki variant—which now everyone referred to as just Loki—had used his magic to somehow destroy the technology that had been keeping the Sacred Timeline in order. This "loom" was designed to self-destruct if the timelines grew too severely, and take absolutely everything with it. But in a seemingly calculated endeavor, Loki had exited the TVA and pulled the loom apart, collecting the strands and pulling them together. He then stepped into a hidden dimension and closed the exit behind him, likely as an effort to prevent any future risk to the timelines. It was a heroic and astounding sacrifice. One that secured a new future for all life, especially the variants that made up the TVA.

The group of people that aided him in this journey were now helping to rebuild a system that had caused so much destruction in the name of preservation. Little by little, the TVA expanded in ways never thought possible. Freedoms were granted amongst the people that never would have been possible before. These individuals almost became celebrities amongst the population as they shared the truth about everything going on behind the scenes. The only missing links appeared to be the female variant, and the agent who had started it all. Rumor had it he had left the TVA some time after the Event with a peculiarly heavy heart.

Now, with a lot of continuous reintegration and retraining of hunters, agents and analysts, a new sense of freedom pulses through the organization's walls. Some have chosen to leave and start new lives on a timeline, on their own terms. Some have switched occupations, desiring a role more suited to their personal aspirations. And some, like yourself, have decided to take a peek into a life that was once yours.

A file with your designation sits on your desk. The contents inside could be anything; a terrifying reality which holds the key to unlocking a whole new part of your identity. But unlike before, one thing is for certain. The future now rests in your hands, not with any masked tyrant or man behind the curtain. Your life was now, finally, truly your own. And hopefully, no matter what revelations were made, you'd be able to live knowing the whole truth.

Your own glorious purpose.

---

Thank you to everyone who has been reading my posts over the past week! Your comments have been greatly appreciated and really helped motivate me to keep writing. While I couldn't make a post every day, I really enjoyed this opportunity to write about a show (and a pairing) that is very dear to me.

Thanks for reading, and I hope to see y'all around!