#the people I'm texting regularly are the exception of course

[random-pile-of-thoughts]

It's a tough task

[tiredslepz]

megumi pining for his childhood friend pls pls pls 🤧 FIGHTING UR SUITORS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL BUT NEVER CONFESSING TILL LIKE YEARSSSS LATER

better late than never, right?

cw: mutual pining, childhood bestfriend! megumi x reader, slight jealousy (from megumi's part), slowwwwww burn, ooc, not proofread

a/n: thank u so much for my first req!! i hope this satisfies u:))

when you were younger, you and megumi were so close. wherever you went, he would follow. you were practically neighbors, so it wasn't that hard to play together. when you went to the playground, megumi would also be there to play with you, even if he didn't actually like the playground. you two would talk together almost 24/7, sometimes resulting in megumi sneaking out of the house at night. and of course, you enjoyed it very much. megumi was your closest, if not only, friend. he'd always be there for you, comforting you, or protecting you.

even when you grew up, you went to the same middle school, and your friendship had not faltered one bit. sure, you may have moved out from your childhood home, but you still do see megumi every weekday.

as the day went on, you heard from the corners of the hallways that megumi had always been getting into fights. you sighed, then walked over to a nearby bench. you placed down your bags, and decided to relax for a bit. a gentle pat on your shoulder woke you up.

"oh, hey," one of your classmates greeted, looking nervous. you fixed yourself up, then tilted your head instinctively. there was a short silence, until they broke eye contact with you, looking away. "u- um.. here!" they handed you a neatly made letter, and quickly ran away. you seemed puzzled, and decided to leave the letter in your bag before reading it. this was like, the fourth time this month? yet, there was only one person you'd want to receive from.

the next day, you completely forgot about the whole letter. you searched for it in your bag, but it wasn't there. at all. well, it probably got blown away by the wind. there were strong winds when you met up with megumi before class. you shrugged the thought away, and fixed your bag again.

sadly, megumi had started to skip class. it wasn't for the whole class, but when it neared the start of the class, or the end, he'd be gone pretty early. though, after your letter got lost, less and less people had approached you. you got more time to rest, considering all the people bugging you before.

after middle school, you and megumi unfortunately didn't get to go to the same school. that also meant that it would be harder to meet up again. the only connection you had with him was via text. you tried to talk to him everyday, but with all the highschool activities you had, and megumi being busy with all his stuff, the conversations shared between the two of you were short-lived.

well, not until megumi regularly invited you to a cafe near your house, and today was no exception. you dressed up quite nicely to see your one and only childhood bestfriend again, and you entered the cafe with grace. you look around, and saw megumi. you gave him a sweet smile, waved, then walked over to his table. "megumi! it's so good to see you again." you sat on the chair across, and put down your purse.

"it's.. nice to see you too, [name]." he returned the smile, not breaking eye contact. "so, hmm, how're you doing?" your eyes sparkled, smiling at him again. you displayed it quite clearly how happy you were to see megumi again. he hummed softly, then shrugged. "i guess i'm.. okay? nothing too special has happened after our last meetup." you nodded, humming a similar tune.

"that's good! well, good that you're doing okay. maybe not too good on the nothing too special, but um, yeah!" you continued, and megumi smiled in return. he looked around, then his eyes found his way back into yours. "[name], do you remember when we were younger? when we'd basically be together everywhere?" you nodded in response, paying full attention to him. "it's sad we don't meet eachother more often." he added, humming. "you know, [name], you're really pretty."

your eyes widened by the compliment, and you squeak in return. "o- oh? thanks- thank you, 'gumi." you nodded, smiling softly. you hate how your heart beated every so slightly faster after the sudden compliment. you hate how the blood rushed to your cheeks so fast. you also hate how easily the nickname rolled off your tounge. "..you're pretty too, you know." you murmured, not expecting him to hear or even understand what you said.

"huh?" his eyes widened, definitely not breakinf eye contact now. it was one for him to basically confess, but now that you've returned the compliment? that's.. way too much for him. "do you...?" he left the question open to continue, and his eyes only widened more when you nodded. "..yes, i do 'gumi. i like you. for a long time, too." you mumbled shyly.

he didn't say anything for a while, none of you did. it was really scary for you, and you don't even know what was going on in megumi's head.

"i like you too, [name]. maybe even longer than... you did?" he inquired, wanting to know more. it's crazy, extremely crazy, especially crazy to him that this was happening. he had spent years yearning for you, and all along, you felt the same?

you looked back at him, admiring him. his eyes, his mouth, his nose, him. as if memorizing him, you smiled, and looked down at your hands and nodded. "maybe."

he smiled, and reached out for you hand, which you slowly took. he squeezed it tightly, and looked at you in your eyes. "well, better late than never, right?" you chuckled, and nodded in response.

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

Two Deaths

Obviously I've written a whole bunch here about my best friend A dying 2 Decembers ago. It's changed so much about my life. About me. I'm permanently altered by his death. I still miss him every day. I'm still sad enough to cry about it regularly. I'll tear up now writing this if I think about it too much. No one got any paid bereavement leave for A dying. I work for a very nice organization and for a very kind person, specifically, so I got to work through my grief without losing my job anyway, but J sure as hell didn't get any allotted time off for me. Our son didn't get any excused absences from school. A was a sudden, totally unforeseen, utterly devastating loss for me and he was a loss felt by J and our son. It changed me, so it changed all of us at least a little. And no one sanctioned my grief, really. There are only a handful of deaths that 'count' when it comes to people in your life giving you grace about it. Best Friend isn't one of them.

One that does count, as far as society is concerned, is your parent, or your spouse's parent. Clearly I'm not saying those deaths shouldn't count. Our sons best friend's mother works with me, and a few months ago she came into work crying. I thought there had been a recent death of someone close to her, so, having A on my mind as he regularly to always is, I offered my condolences. And she said there was no 'fresh' loss; she had just been thinking of her father-in-law that morning, who died right after she married her husband. Her father-in-law never got to meet her children, and that morning something good had happened with my sons best friend that she knew her father-in-law would be proud of, would have loved to have heard about, would have made a fuss over her son for it. "It just made me sad to think that *my favorite person* that's not <her husband> wouldn't get to know my children; my children will never really know him." She was so close to her father-in-law she called him her favorite person besides her husband. Was still mourning his loss more than 18 years later. That long lead in all to say that J's dad died late Sunday night. We have known it was coming since July when doctors did emergency surgery and found cancer he decided not to treat after an ER visit. We put a lot of backbreaking work into fixing up his house, but he was still so coarse and hostile and ungrateful we haven't gotten closer to him emotionally. He hasn't acknowledged my son's birthday in the last 7 years at least. He didn't acknowledge J's last year. He wasn't senile. He was just mean. J was never close to his dad, never thought much of his dad and how he ran his family or treated his mother. J's dad certainly never cared for me. He did do a lot of obligatory work for his dad during the course of our relationship though; things he took days off work to do. Fix things. Buy things. Handle things. I took time off work early in our marriage too, because despite having the ability to rent a car himself, he insisted that J drive 10 hours one way to pick him up in another state and drive the 10 hours back home. I wouldn't let J do it alone, so I blew vacation time on that too. J didn't cry when his sister texted him the news Monday morning. Our son barely knows J's father. Only has few and fleeting memories of even seeing him. He saw A more and he lived 6 hours away in another state. So our son and I didn't cry either. Nothing has really changed in our life as a family or individually either that I can see, except maybe a sense of relief. J is still whistling along to the road trip playlist as we approach home. But our son will get an excused absence for that funeral Monday. J will get 3 days paid off work. I'll get time too.

It doesn't seem fair to me that some relationships 'count' as far as acceptable grief is concerned and some don't. Just trying to keep myself awake on the road by writing about what's on my mind, which is contrasting these two deaths.

[lilypadding]

can you tell us what tags you use on the regularly? can be for anything, stuff you align with, laugh at, find cool etc etc

THANK YOU FOR ASKING I AM SO HAPPY !!!! HUGS YOU HUGS YOU HUGS Y

okay so I'm pretty bad at tagging things/having a tagging system, I had a blog back in 2016 (middle school) and I was so efficient at tagging my reblogged supernatural gifs, dan and phil clips, and voltron posting but when I lost access to that blog and made this new one I told myself not to take it as seriously (and somehow thought it'd be cringey if i was ultra organized?? which doesn't make sense and I'm still upset at myself for,,) SO for the first half of this blog I didn't tag anything I reblogged at all, I'd just go to town and go through tags I liked (mainly danganronpa) and reblogged infinitely. and I LOVE text shit-posts so it was a mix of everything I enjoyed and found funny

recently though I decided I want to be more organized about things I reblog, at least the main stuff. nagito komaeda is a character that my loved ones will have to pry out of my cold dead hands when i decease so i tag most things about him/art of him with just #nagito, similar to #hajime because they're the 2 characters i blog about the most, and of course the ship between them as #komahina -- I scroll through that one whenever I need comfort lols so having posts that I already love tagged as them on here is helpful for that.

if i see any general danganronpa art that isnt mainly nagito and/or hajime, ill add the #danganronpa/#dr2 tag (though not always)

((unfortunately since I got into that habit of not tagging ANYTHING when this blog started, half the time, I don't add tags even though I should. it's really more a vibes feeling, if I'm in a tagging-mood things will be tagged, and if I'm not then I don't))

i tag #taylor swift in case any of my followers want to mute posts about her since my main thing is dangan, and I know a lot of people dont like her. i also tag general other interests like #persona 5 and #sims 2 (the lore in this game goes CRAZY i cant even WHATEVER U GET IT)

i tag #suggestive for anything mildly NSFW again to help filter that content out for anyone uncomfortable seeing that

my #lisa tag is for my partner, anything that reminds me of her. tags like #ref are usually for posts that I want to re-read later or revisit, or anything that will be useful to me one day. sometimes ill see something interesting but dont have time to read it then and there so i reblog in a rush. #reminders is a recent one, it's for the same thing except more personal/more for me. and if i ever use #for me, it's essentially for the same.

ive started trying to use #lilyyaps for any post that I'm directly writing/shit-posting because I've never had a personalized tag for me yapping and posting (i was allergic to it until recently)

but yeah that's the extent of any "system" i have, all vibes no thoughts. nothing strict or crazy as u can tell. THANK you for asking though I really really appreciate the opportunity you handed me to yap <3<3

[journalwritten]

regulations. please read.

ABOUT. BLOG IS A 21+ ZONE. DNI IF UNDER 21. I'm way too old to be hanging out with peeps under the drinking age! :D If you are easily triggered, this may not be a blog for you. Mature or potentially triggering subjects present ranging from mental illness, blood, gore, sexual situations, gas lighting, mental manipulation and control, violent imagery, war, horror themes, murder, torture, suicide, self destructive behavior, loss of limbs, religious themes, demonic possession, questionable intent, learned toxic masculinity, abuse, and mentions of drug and heavy alcohol use.

PRIVATE / MUTUALS ONLY / DNI. Please feel free to approach! Homophobic, transphobic, racist, Tru.mp/M.AG.A/Puti.n/Elo.n M.us.k supporting, hating people based on their religious beliefs or things they can't change about themselves and generally crappy shit like that isn’t welcome on my dash!

NAUGHTY STUFF. I enjoy writing mature threads. But will only do so with familiar partners. If it’s not your thing? We can fade to black! I’m 10000% fine with either. I do have a sideblog where all of my spicy threads go. **TAG TO BLOCK ALL CONTENT OF THAT SORT ACROSS ALL MY BLOGS IS TW OOH LA LA!**

HIGHLY CANON DIVERGENT. To understand my version of John, reading his about is almost a must. To sum it up here, John is horror based Kripke era John but he has been possessed/dealing with possession of either demonic or angelic influence throughout the years since the night Mary died. The main exception to that time was when he was with Adam and his mother. Please browse through his history section to understand in depth. You may encounter Azazel or Michael and even Abel when writing with me. *With plotting, of course!*

SHIP AGES. I reserve the right to restrict age limits on fc's and characters depending on what season of Supernatural we are writing in. __As a default rule, John will never be shipped with any character below the age of 30.__ We may discuss if it is an AU and during his younger years but anything during that time will more than likely be with established partners as I prefer to write John in his later years // present time in my verses.

POST INFO & SPEED. I match my partner. There are times when I get hella inspired write bunches. I don’t do one-liners. I use small text and one icon that is static and the graphic changes per month. I can enlarge your text if needed. Blog will fluctuate in speed. If I don’t heart your reply, I might not have seen it. Sending me a link is great. Poking me to remind me about an ask is fine!

RELATIONSHIPS/KIDS/ETC. I roll with chemistry. Highly dependent character. Canons may have various outcomes. Platonic relationships encouraged! I do not accept any oc children. Family members are HIGHLY dependent on how we vibe. We gotta groove, ya dig? OCs loved! Send me your ladies! Older muses yes! I won't do pregnancy plots or write with children muses. Only exception is children muses of established partners that we've plotted.

AFFILIATES, EXCLUSIVES AND MAINS. Accepting on a limited basis for mains and a very limited basis for exclusives. My requirements are: We must be posting together regularly and be mutuals. Affiliates will come naturally. I don't mind being approached or approaching! I, normally, keep the number of the same characters I write with down to a small amount out of personal preference!

PLEASE NOTE. OOC drama won’t be tolerated. Constant negativity, bullying or harassment are a strict nope. Anons are always off! Open communication regarding any issues is welcome! I don’t have hidden passwords in my rules. Nor will I send in one from yours. Give me a few to check out your blog before I follow! I can be slow occasionally due to work and life!

[agwitow]

So, some weeks back my sister made an off-hand comment about a story I should write, and, like the gremlin I am, I've been knawing on it since. This is the result...

[Instead of alt text, I'm going to break it down under the cut]

It all started with a discussion about the names of bird groups (murder of crows, unkindness of ravens, parliament of owls, etc) and how I should write a series of books about birds based on these names.

So I researched some names and made a list, then classified them into "social classes" based on those names.

With this sorting somewhat in mind, I started coming up with a series of titles and rough/brief outlines of each. Meaning I've got a new 9-book series to write at some point...

The titles and summaries of the Birds of the Brambles series are:

Mischief & Murder: What starts as a prank war between neighbours turns deadly when someone starts recreating the pranks as a means of murder.

A Pretence of Unkindness: Things get complicated when a small time actor is mistaken for the proxy of a gang leader in charge of negotiating a truce.

The Seige of Gangs: The Brambles have been locked down so the authorities can restore order. Except they don't seem all that interested in helping the neighbourhood residents.

The Trouble of Deceit: It's a lesson they should have known -- only the residents of the Brambles care about the residents of the Brambles. And only by coming together can they regain control of their neighbourhood.

Cast of Murder: When your enemies are playing dirty you've got to play even dirtier. But schemes never go as smoothly as intended.

Gangs & Company: Help comes from an unexpected ally when all seems lost. But there will be a price to pay, and it could mean the destruction of all they've worked for.

Deceit of Parliament: Betrayal was inevitable, but no one it expected it to turn out this way. At this point, they will need to work with an old enemy, but trust is in short supply.

A Bevy of Trouble: The old adage "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" has held true so far, but, as things are brought back under control, the fragile alliance threatens to crumble.

Unkind Pity: A new player in the game of power could stabilize things, or could be the spark that finally burns it all to the ground.

I am undecided if the characters will be full-on birds (ala Zootopia), anthropomorphic birds (ala Jonathan from the new D&D movie), or shapeshifters of some sort.

The two pranksters from book 1 will be the main characters throughout the series, but there will be a full cast of others that join one-by-one (or two) over the course of the series. Know nothing about them, other than that one is a crow and the other is a raven, they are 17 and 18 in book 1 and will be 22 and 23 by the end, and will not date/fall in love with each other (though people will ask/assume semi-regularly)

So... yup... lol

Feel free to share thoughts and suggestions 😊

[jeannereames]

Hello, Dr. Reames! I was wondering if you happened to have a post where you describe medicine in ancient Greece and in the Middle East lands that Alexander conquered during his time, their difference and what use did he do of that knew knowledge. As far as I know, middle east medicine was more advance that Greece's, but of course I'm not an expert and I might be wrong. Could you explain this topic a little further, please? Thank you in advance, I hope you're having a great week!

Medicine in the Ancient World

I have not really done any posts on ancient medicine, although I did do one that involved the way humors were understood to affect personality. Medicine is not an area where I have a specific specialty except the general way we all do. (I teach on it for my Intro to Greek History, for instance. I also teach a bit on ANE medicine in the ANE class.)

*So right upfront, let me suggest some books of interest:

Ancient Medicine, 2nd ed., Vivian Nutton, 2012, Routledge: If I had to give you a low-cost place to begin, this would be it. Broad overview of medicine in the ANE and Med basin, as really, these are a continuum.

Oxford Handbook of Science and Medicine in the Classical World, Paul Keyser & John Scarborough, eds., 2022, Oxford UP: This just came out, a bit pricier in paperback, but is a longer text and covers more than just medicine. These companions and handbooks are useful because you get potted summaries of “the state of the field” on various topics under the broader umbrella. ALSO, it’s not just Greece and Rome, despite the title. Includes Mesopotamia, Egypt, as well as India and China.

*Alas, now we jump up to books over $100, so look for them in libraries:

Ancient Greek Medicine in Questions and Answers Diagnostics, Didactics, Dialectics, Michiel Meeusen, 2020, Brill (why it’s so pricey): This is on the academic side of things, looking at language and how medicine fit into the wider world of Greek philosophy.

Magic and Rationality in Ancient Near Eastern and Graeco-Roman Medicine, Manfred Horstmanshoff & Marten Stol, 2004, Brill: Examines how religious and magical thinking wove its way through medicine of various places and periods. Again, on the academic side.

*Finally, books specifically on women and medicine, in Greece, and in Rome:

Birth, Death, and Motherhood in Ancient Greece, Nancy Demand, 1994, Johns Hopkins UP: An oldie but goodie. Demand used the Hippocratic Corpus (et al.) to examine the lives of women in Greece, and how (badly) Greeks understood the female body. (Link to the hardcover as it’s cheaper, used.) I regularly use this in my classes.

Medicine and the Making of Roman Women: Gender, Nature, and Authority from Celsus to Galen, Rebecca Flemming, 2001, Oxford UP: As the title suggests, the focus is on how medical knowledge shaped Roman conceptions of womanhood…and how Roman conceptions of womanhood shaped medical thought.

I also note, with some trepidation, the work on women and medicine by Holt Parker. Medicine is among the things he specializes in, and his scholarship is solid. But he was convicted of child pornography (see this very good Eidolon article). It was quite the shocker. I met him in 2010 at the Missouri Valley History Conference here in Omaha, and he seemed like a perfectly nice guy. Just goes to show what people may be hiding. I won’t link to any of his books that might give him royalties, just his academia.edu page, where his work is free. I’m always a bit at sea in cases like this. His scholarship is excellent and should be mentioned, but he turned out to be a horrible excuse for a human being.

Some general observations:

Roman medicine is Greek medicine, and Greek medicine is Mesopotamian medicine, modified. There is a direct line of development. The oldest pharmacology in the west comes from the middle bronze age in Babylon, and Mesopotamia assembled medical treatises that systematically recorded what was known about various illnesses not long after, although the largest collection we have are Sargonid Neo-Assyrian (late iron age).

In Mesopotamia, there was a distinct “spiritual” (magical/divine) element to medicine. So the asu and ashipu often worked together. The asu was a physician, and ashipu is often translated as exorcist. Spiritual advisor might be more appropriate. Together, they would try to determine not just how to treat the illness, but the cause of it, which was generally attributed either to sin, or to curses from others. However “silly” that may sound today, we might think of it as a holistic approach, treating the whole person, not just the physical body.

Another fun detail about Mesopotamian doctors: after “medical school,” they served a “residency” of sorts under a senior physician before being allowed to hang out their own shingle.

Greeks of Asia Minor and the islands, being in much closer contact with inner Mesopotamia (both by trade and as mercenaries serving in Assyrian armies), picked up on their medicine and adapted it. There were two primary schools on Kos/Cos and Knidos/Cnidos, one based on prognostication, the other on diagnostics. Because the ancients understood the body so badly, the diagnostic school tended to be wrong more often than right, so the prognostic school on Kos won out in the long run.

Yes, that’s Hippokrates’s home. And yes, the Hippokratic Corpus gets its basis from earlier Mesopotamian, although it’s not just a copy. Also, the corpus as we have it isn’t just Hippokrates, but included a lot of later material down into the Hellenistic period (and may also have included older material).

Hippokrates took (at least some of) the religion out of medicine. He began to focus on the physical body apart from notions of sin and demonic possession. In short, he applied the rising trend of CRITICAL REASONING to medicine. This much larger movement that began with Thales and Friends introduced an entirely new way of sifting information and examining the world. Medicine borrowed it. (So did history, resulting in Herodotos.) Hippokrates's students followed in the same vein.

But religion in medicine was still quite popular all over Greece, and more traditional medical approaches mostly absorbed the new ideas of Hippokrates rather than seeing them as a challenge. Temples to Asklepios became the “hospitals” of the ancient world, their priests trained physicians. Hippokrates himself worked in the Asklepion in Kos, the home of his school. So rational medicine was still combined with treatments such as “incubations,” wherein the sick person would sleep in the temple and receive a dream. The priest-physician would hear the dream, hear the symptoms, and prescribe a cure, which often included some religious elements too, such as sacrifices, etc. Again, we might think on this as a holistic approach.

Physicians also traveled. Apart from these major temple centers, as you can imagine, their skill varied a good deal. In addition, they had midwives and herbalists, and, yes, female physicians too by the Hellenistic age. (For those who read Dancing with the Lion, Myrtale/Olympias is a trained herbalist and midwife, and in a scene involving Hephaistion’s injury, her medicine is presented as working better than the physician’s.)

Finally, there were surgeons, who traveled with armies. The job of a surgeon was different. Physicians (mostly) didn’t engage in surgery. Hence the line in the original Hippocratic Oath: “I will neither cut nor kill.” Surgeons did both (the latter as mercy).

If Greek medicine really came into its own in the late Archaic and Classical eras (yes, it pre-existed Hippokrates), it got a big boost in the Hellenistic era with all the new science brought back via Alexander’s conquests from Mesopotamia, but also India too, plus the co-mingling of Greek knowledge with Egyptian in Alexandria. The Romans absorbed it. Even in Rome, Greeks remained the best doctors well into late antiquity. Even the early medieval period, Byzantine (Greek) doctors were prized. Then came the leaps and bounds during the golden age of Islam in Bagdad, and the work of Al-Razi and Ibn-Sina (Avicenna), who built on Greek medicine.

So medical knowledge came out of Mesopotamia, into Greece and the west, then passed back into Mesopotamia, in terms of advancements.

[authoressofdarkness]

I saw that you're taking prompts, from the dialogue list. Can I get number 20? “I’ve never had someone taking care of me before.” for starker obviously. I'm excited, I love reading your works. Thank you in advance!

Hi anon! That means so much to me and I’m v glad to be taking this as my first prompt. Thank you 💙

I kinda want to try some new things with some of these prompts, so I’m gonna go at this with omega Tony and alpha Peter and see where it goes. I hope that’s okay with you anon and that everyone likes it 😘

Same age college AU, omegaverse, alpha Peter Parker, omega Tony Stark, some angst and some fluff at the end.

—

It’s a well known fact that Tony Stark has a shitty family.

Well, at least to anyone who knows him, it is. They know how he’ll do anything to not be at home when his father is around, to get out of the endless pressures of social events and promotional things and questions of mating and management and all of the things that he hated about being born an omega and being attached to the last name Stark to top it all off—

For years, it was just him. Some flings, mainly to piss his father off, but he never had his attention for longer than the time it took to scold him or order him around, and his mother was never much help, either. He had precious few friends growing up, never really made any real ones until college when he met Rhodey and Pepper — an alpha and a beta respectively that helped him manage things there and that were the first people to truly understand the depths of struggles he had going on at home.

And they were great friends, still are, but there was never anything more there between them. They helped him float through the first year of school, and then—

And then came Peter Parker.

Tony doesn’t hate all alphas on principle, although he is often rather tempted to try to, what with how they were shoved in his face most of his life. They were great for a good fling but most of them were meatheads. As horny as Tony was, he couldn’t allow just anyone to be close to him, nothing too get to serious, because he’s got a lot of responsibility coming down to him and he needs the right partner — alpha or otherwise — to be willing to deal with that. Not that he’s particularly interested in mating right now but he also isn’t going to allow someone close enough to potentially mark him knowing the repercussions of that.

He’s the heir to Stark Industries, sure, but he’s still an omega. An alpha will have significant legal power over him once they’re mated. And he wants to be the one to run SI, to take on his legacy, to build, to create, and to run his business, and he’s not going to let anyone stop him, even if that means flings forever.

(Not that that’s legally going to fly because he can’t take over until he’s considered qualified which implies a certain amount of stability that translates into having an alpha that’s more than just a fuck buddy but—)

It doesn’t matter. None of it matters after he meets Peter.

Peter is a year younger than him in school, technically, but biologically they’re the same age. Peter just started a bit later than most — and for good reasons, as Tony comes to find out.

He’s in one of Tony’s engineering classes and his organic chemistry class and the omega would be lying if he said he wasn’t immediately taken with him.

He can’t help it. Peter is cute, with his overgrown curls and slim form and silky skin and shy little smile and—

The other man is all alpha, there’s no doubt about it. He exudes it without even trying, but there’s a shyness to him, too. He’s not a meathead; he’s a sweetheart. From day one he’s respectful of Tony in class, kind when he sees him around campus, and that makes them the perfect lab partners in chemistry, and after knowing that, it’s just the natural choice for them to partner for the project in engineering and then—

Then things spiral, and Tony doesn’t even care.

He’s seeking the alpha’s attention, and Peter, the innocent, shy thing he is, is happy to give, to dote on Tony in ways that he would resist if they were coming from anyone else.

They’re not even fucking, but it’s intimate, so intimate that he can’t even explain it, and he loves it, scarily so. It both soothes and sets all his instincts on edge at the same time.

By mid semester they both have keys to come and go freely from each other’s rooms. It’s more common to see them together than it is to ever spot one of them out alone. The whole school probably thinks they’re a couple, and even though they’ve never made it official — and he’s never allowed himself to even come close to considering it before — Tony can’t bring himself to mind.

As midterms approach, though, Tony locks himself in to focus on his work. He doesn’t mean to, really; it’s just that hours studying slip into full nights and then he hasn’t eaten and he hasn’t left the room, even missing one of his classes because he doesn’t realize the time.

Peter hasn’t come by in days and except for the occasional check in text, Tony hasn’t heard from him, either. But they’re both busy with midterms so he really isn’t surprised. In fact he barely has time to eat, let alone check his phone, so even if he was texting him regularly Tony probably wouldn’t be answering.

Except mid terms or no, of course Peter notices when Tony misses class. And when his texts go unanswered by the absorbed omega, he doesn’t hesitate to show up and let himself in.

Tony doesn’t even realize anyone is there until he feels a hand on his shoulder. He jumps so hard he nearly knocks the chair back, and when he turns around he sees Peter, stepping back and holding his hands up in the universal “I surrender” gesture, clearly not having meant to startle him.

“I’m sorry, I knocked but you didn’t answer so I let myself in. I just— you weren’t in class, and I was worried… are you okay? When was the last time you ate?” It takes all of two seconds for Peter’s sheepishness to melt into concern, and he steps forward again, closing the distance between them to tilt Tony’s chin up, looking at the shadow stretching across his jaw where he hasn’t shaved in a few days. “You’ve lost weight,” he murmurs, thumb brushing over Tony’s cheekbone tenderly — which, yeah, is definitely more prominent than it was at the beginning of the week.

Tony’s eyes flutter and he leans into the touch for a moment before refocusing and shaking it off. “I’m fine. This is normal, Peter. I know what I’m doing.”

“Do you?” Peter raises an eyebrow. “Do you even know what day it is?”

“It’s Saturday—“

“It’s Monday, Tony. 1pm on Monday, at that. You missed engineering this morning and you haven’t answered my texts all weekend.” Surprise flits across Tony’s face at that, because — yeah, last time he checked it was Saturday, and he had no new texts from Peter, so— “When was the last time you ate?” Peter continues to prod, voice gentle but insistent.

Both aspects only serve to spark irritation in him, though. Tony bats Peter’s hand away from his face, frowning. He doesn’t need to be treated with kid gloves. “I ate a little while ago. I’m fine.”

“You don’t even know what day it is—“

“It all kind of blurs together when you’re not doing anything besides working, okay—“

“Two days is a lot of blur, Tony—“

“And just because I need a shave doesn’t mean I haven’t left my desk or that this isn’t totally normal for midterms—“

“You’re the one saying you haven’t left your desk, not me—“

“That’s not what I meant! I’m just saying—“

“I’m just saying you need to take a short break, it’s not that big of a deal—“

“I don’t need a break, I know my limits—“

“Tony, I really don’t think—“

“Jesus fucking— You’re not my alpha, Parker, would you fuck off?”

The words come out before he can stop them, and he flinched himself at the hurt on Peter’s face, the way the alpha physically recoils, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“I’m not— god, I know that, okay? I’m just trying to help you, Tony. Please, this isn’t sustainable. You need to eat. Just— let me find you something, and then I’ll leave, okay?”

Leave? No, he doesn’t want him to leave. But the only thing that comes out is a quiet “whatever,” and he watches Peter escape to the kitchen with a ball of guilt growing in his chest.

Peter is just trying to help. He likes Peter and he doesn’t want him to leave, he just— he panics, and then he snaps.

Because what if Peter wants more? What if he really likes him? And Tony is a fuck up that does shit like this when he feels emotions and has so much baggage attached to being with him and—

And Peter knows that, at least some of it. It’s been a few months of seeing each other nearly every day, now, and his family situation was never a secret.

So why is he still here? Oh god, did Tony just ruin it?

The thought, for reasons that he’s refusing to immediately think about, is almost too much to bear. He stands up, fumbling his way out of the chair and into the kitchen.

The smell hits him almost as soon as he enters, and he sucks in a deep breath. His traitorous stomach growls, loud and demanding.

Soup bubbles on the stove as Peter works at the counter, chopping up some fruits and vegetables. He’s already managed to put a few little storage containers of food together for him, and something in Tony’s gut feels warm at the sight. But it also drops — preparing premade meals most certainly means that Peter isn’t intending to come back.

He looks up when Tony enters, expression wary. “The soup was the quickest thing you had, and since I had to be here for as long as it takes to boil anyway I thought I would just—“

“Peter.” His own voice sounds remarkable calm for how shaky he suddenly feels, lurching towards the alpha at the countertop. “It’s okay. I… thank you, for this. I’m sorry.”

Peter looks taken aback by the apology. “Tony, you don’t have to apologize. You’re right; I’m not your alpha and it’s not my place to give you orders. I just… I care about you, okay? I just want to help. I know you don’t think about me that way, and I’m sorry I overstepped, but—“

“You’re wrong.”

“What?” The words draw Peter up short.

Tony takes a breath, looking down. He focuses on the alpha’s hands, watching him chop instead of looking at his face. It’s easier. “You’re wrong. It’s not that I don’t think of you that way. The problem is… that I do. And I… I’m not used to this. I’ve never had someone take care of me before. Not really, not in any way that mattered. And what I feel for you… it scares me.” He takes a little breath again, looking down at his own hands. “I want you to be my alpha, Peter. But I’m not really a good omega, and I just have so much shit that comes along with being with me. The thought of asking you to do that… what that could do to us… I just don’t think I could handle that.”

He hears the knife ting against the countertop as Peter sets it down, and the pitter patter of footsteps as the alpha crosses the room. He’s suddenly being drawn into a pair of lanky but surprisingly strong arms, surrounded by the musky, relaxing scent of alpha, and he practically melts into it, nestling his nose into the spot between the collar of Peter’s sweatshirt and his throat almost automatically.

Peter’s hand running up and down his back is soothing, relaxing him the rest of the way, and the press of the alpha’s chin against his head is just the perfect weight to be comfortable, reassuring.

“Tony… I’m not an idiot,” he says gently. “I know who you are. What you’ve done, where you came from, what’s expected of you — and yeah, I’m sure there’s more that you haven’t told me and that’s not public, but— I get why this is a struggle for you, and why you feel the need to put so much pressure on yourself. There’s nothing wrong with you for that and it is most definitely not your own fault that you’re not used to being taken care of. And you’ve no idea how badly or how long I’ve wanted to be your alpha.” He pulls back a little to look down at him, fingers scratching Tony’s scalp gently as he works his fingers through his hair. “But that doesn’t mean that this kind of behavior — towards yourself or others — is good or acceptable. It’s okay to let me take care of you — at least in small ways. I know you’re scared of losing your independence, but that’s not what I want for you, either. I just want to help.”

“Help,” Tony echoes, eyes drifting to the pan on the stove and then back to Peter. “I… I think I’d like that.” He bites his lip, looking up at him. They’re about the same size and height, but this close, wrapped in the alpha’s arms and scent, with his steady gaze on him, he can’t help but feel small by comparison. “You really want to be my alpha?”

“Only if you want me to be, but…” Peter looks down at him and cracks his shy little smile. “I’d like to try, if you’d let me.”

“I’d like that,” Tony admits. He shifts to press up against him, putting a hand on his chest. “I’d also really like it if you’d kiss me.”

Peter looks a little surprised, but not unpleasantly. Still, he shakes his head, giving him a little push back. “Tony, you didn’t even know what day it was. God knows when the last time you brushed your teeth is. No offense, but… ew.”

Tony just laughs a little, unable to help himself. “If I brush my teeth…?”

“Maybe. If you eat your food as well.” Peter moves back to the counter, finishing up the container he was working on. “We can’t be doing anything that’s going to burn you extra calories when you don’t have enough to begin with, hm?”

Tony finds himself grinning. “That’s an argument I can get behind. Literally and metaphorically.”

Peter flashes a grin in return, voice back to that gentle but insistent tone that he knows so well when he says, “Go, Tony.”

And for once, Tony is all too happy to obey.

[bloodbagzz]

4, 5, 20, 22, 23 (if you want! i just live for the drama lmao) and 30? 💜💜💕💕💖💖

from this list

4. what’s an inside joke you have with your family or friends?

uhhh hmm i answered one here and i was just gonna tell another one but quite frankly i don't really... know if i have any others? at least ones that are still ongoing? running gag with @kae-karo that i am Definitely Not a childe (genshin impact) kinnie and yet somehow he keeps accidentally being unnervingly relatable? LMAO

5. what made you start your blog?

answered here x but quick recap: all my deviantart friends had migrated here, and all my irl friends were starting blogs, and i didn't wanna get left out!

20. favourite things about the night?

the moon, no traffic, the way nature sounds louder. bonus points if i'm somewhere i can see stars!

22. say 3 things about someone you love

i was like "oh god wait do i pick one person?? how am i gonna pick one person i love??? i love so many people??????" and then i was like "wait sammy sent me this and i love sammy, ez pz" SO three things about YOU :D 1) you're so passionate! you care so much when you love someone/thing and it's really amazing, i always love getting texts from you that are a mile long about something you really care about. 2) this icon of a person helped organize a wholeass university magazine AND got me into it which really ultimately helped me realize what I wanted as a writer and with my life and basically girlbossed (gender neutral) so hard the magazine is now a regularly offered course at our university 3) if i've ever seen a uquiz on tumblr or had someone send me a uquiz, i can guarantee it's getting sent to sam. we r uquiz buddies and honestly that's such a solid cornerstone of friendship

23. say 3 things about someone you hate

hehehe i can indulge in the drama, lmao i think the things the few people i hate have in common is that they're manipulative weirdos who got away with double-standards. they're the people who get exceptions from everyone around them regardless of their behavior - bonus points for behavior that they vilified me for. somehow, yes, i do have multiple people in mind for this one! i wish upon them loneliness and dissatisfaction for the rest of their lives :)

30. what’s one thing that never fails to make you happy/happier?

empathy or solidarity about whatever it is i'm going through. people getting excited about something and me being one of the first people they come to about it. going on late drives with people and getting to talk and get to know them that way. outer space! ice cream! "hey this made me think of you"!

[bewires]

22 and 26 for the fic asks, please. You've written a number of very good Joe/Nicky modern AUs, so these both seem like they must be part of your process on some level.

thank you so much! wow okay so you were right I had a lot more to say about these two questions than I thought please don't feel like you have to read the entire essay I wrote you here

22. What is it about watching the same two idiots falling in love over and over again?

it's the hyperfixation

(kidding but only sort of)

in a reading sense, I enjoy repetition a lot. It's comforting to me. At the same time, I don't often reread physical books these days because it always feels like I *should* be taking in new media. That's a pressure I don't put on myself with fanfic, so this is where I go with my desire to see the stories I want to see over and over and also to reread favorites over and over

in a writing sense, it's basically a prolonged love of character study for me. usually I start an AU with a basic concept of what the AU is and then sort of stumble across character notes I'm particularly interested in for that AU, like with "(let go of) the same dream" it was a combination of Nicky's redemption arc and the sort of "what if we were meant for each other but it was actually real" type thing; with the one I wrote recently called "have a little faith, there's magic in the night" it was different ways of processing love and attraction

of course there is comfort there in writing as well. I don't need to tell anyone else the last few years have been stressful; I hadn't written regularly for a long time beforehand. Around 2019 things started being stressful for me in terms of job and work stuff, so I went back to my oldest coping mechanism, fanfic. And then 2020 happened and I fully dove back in. It's not a surprise that I write a lot of fluffy modern AUs because that's what brings me joy to read

26. What would you describe as OOC?

this is pretty tricky imo because there are levels to OOC, you know? I'll try to exemplify

1) in the text vs. not in the text

by this I mean, is your metric for OOC-ness whether it appears in the written/visual text or not. For instance, I would say that it is in the text of TOG that Nicky views himself as having been in the wrong for his xenophobia when he met Joe ("the love of my life was of the people I had been taught to hate"). It's also in the text that Joe and Nicky killed each other, that Nicky is now motivated to do good, and that Joe has a more questioning, philosophical outlook on the moral quality of their work ("depends on the century")

IMO not in the text would be: Joe views his actions during his and Nicky's meeting as having been in the wrong, Nicky views every job the team takes as having been for the better. So to me it would read as OOC for Joe to feel guilty for how he treated Nicky in 1099 or to be equally at fault for the circumstances of their meeting. This then informs how I write them meeting in AUs; to me it is kind of OOC for any initial friction to be a misunderstanding or a mutual behavior (although this is something I have arrived at after a while, if you read my earlier fics I didn't write it this way)

2) reader/writer subjectivity

So you'll note that above, I kept saying "in my opinion" or "I would say" and this is because different readers read texts differently and different writers write texts differently and no one fully understands someone else's intent perfectly. And that's cool - the aspects of characterization that speak to me are a) changeable and b) individual, and that is true for everyone else as well. Someone else might have a different reading of the text than me, or be reading it with a different set of things they are interested in. For instance, I tend to not be drawn towards characterizing TOG characters as neurodivergent (excepting PTSD), which is a combination of me having that reading of the text and me having a background where I'm less sensitized to that topic than someone with more experience with it might be.

Obvsly someone else's reading of the characters as neurodivergent is awesome and often very founded in the text, it's just not something I would come up with or write, whereas other writers might easily see that subtext in the text and write it. Ultimately this is what makes fanfic so cool, we all read/saw the same text and we all come away with different things that move us. I don't think there's some arbiter up in the sky who decides on objectively OOC or objectively in character, I think there's just all of us down here stumbling about deciding what readings work for us and what don't.

3) ~problematic~

so there's a post going around somewhere on this site about how sometimes fans will latch onto a character totally and completely and characterize them in a way that has nothing to do with the text, but they will claim it does. under that there's a long text about how OOC is not a problem so long as you understand that's what you're doing but when you start to try to convince people your reading is correct and the only possible reading, then you're in trouble.

I agree with this take. Basically, you have to understand number 2) up there, that all reading is subjective, if you're proselytizing the only true way to blorbo you are probably stepping on some toes.

at the risk of decimating my inbox tho, I will say once more that I think there is a difference between projecting your own interests onto a fictional character in the full knowledge of what you're doing, and using a fictional character to project racist stereotypes onto and then demand others agree they are accurate and unproblematic, which is a thing that has happened several times over in several ways in TOG fandom. Writing "in character" is something you don't have to care about in fandom if that's not what you're here for, but if you're doing this and your response to general criticism not even directed at specific fics is to create more of a racist stereotype and claim it is the only correct way to read a character then idk what to say, that's definitely OOC :/

[born-to-lose]

Hey, hope you don't mind me coming here about your addition to my tags on the "meet and greet" post? 🥺

I just wanna add that yes, meeting fans without taking money for it is totally possible even if there are like 400-800 people at the show... (of course it is) and at almost every concert I've been to (exception are twenty one pilots and I think alestorm, but I didn't check if you could meet them because I didn't care about it) the bands were always like "yeah, as always we'll come to our merch stand in a bit to have a chat or a beer, take some pics and give autographs so feel free to join us there!"

And that's what they always did (at a show with 4 bands the main act didn't but that's because I think they don't do anything like this in general?). I can say that I have a bunch of pics with quite a few bands/band members, bands that are about as 'famous' as blind channel or even more known. Also idk how many signed records or shirts I have from these bands (one of them used to be my favorite band until last year so I've seen them quite often before covid started) and they always tried to take their time with as many fans as possible. Young fans, teenagers, young adults or even adults and elders.

Example: I asked most members of my former favorite band if they could record a small audio for a friend of mine who doesn't have the chance to see them but liked them a lot as well and they took their time to do that. Some just a quick "hi, this is xy, sorry to hear you can't be here but I hope you'll get a chance to see us on our next tour!" but one even spoke for a whole minute after already having talked to me and a friend for like 5min and having taken pics with us and given autographs... (even got a hug from the members I asked which... 🥺😭🤲🏻)

So, idk if I'm just spoiled and simply used to very different behavior where the artists are happy to meet the fans and interact with them as much as they can and would never even think about taking money for that (admittedly the members of these bands are between... 30 and 50? So maybe that's a difference as well?) or idk... So maybe I'm not the right person to really form an opinion on this whole topic?

Sorry for this super long text which might be super boring and irrelevant (and very biased/personal) but uhm... Yeah I felt the need to share my experiences when it comes to this whole artist/fan interaction.

Oh and, I've been to probably 20+ shows (club gigs and 'festivals' (not really festivals but it's hard to explain)) so it's not like that was a one time experience ^^

I don't mind at all!! And exactly, so many bands do that for free! Sure, it's not something you should take for granted because they're sacrificing their free time, but that's part of building up some kind of connection with the fans to let them know you're "one of them" and not like, better than them. And often to just thank them for the support

I was in an American band's fan club for almost two years until they broke up and they regularly interacted with the members and sent us stuff they were working on and just random things and exclusive competitions (I won a necklace once lol). Tbh they're probably the band I know that cares the most for their fans

And the audio thing is so sweet omg 😭🥰 a friend of mine got a birthday video from Olli Herman because she's been a Reckless Love fan for so long and he's just the sweetest 🥺

I generally think Scandinavian bands (especially Finnish) tend to be more,,, personal towards their fans? Even when they're already more popular, they come to meet their fans. I've heard of Michael Monroe doing that and he's been huge since the 80s

[jimmygibbsjrrr]

I have a lot of thoughts about the Slaters

namely, I've been wonderin why the Fairfield Survivors got thrown off the boat in Death Toll

in this panel of The Sacrifice comic, Francis confirms the fates of three of the rescue vehicles:

Image ID:

A panel from The Sacrifice: Part 1. Francis is sat in the rescue vehicle from Blood Harvest, speaking to Louis. His dialogue is as follows:

"Louis, I hate to be the one to break this to ya, but we been heading to the safe zone four times now. Helicopter: crashed. Plane: crashed. Boat: kicked us out and left us to die."

/end ID

the chopper from No Mercy was confirmed crashed in Crash Course, and as for the plane from Dead Air, it was pretty easy to guess (and would have been confirmed in the cut campaign Dam It).

but the part about the boat? that's the Slaters' boat from Death Toll. this is the first time we learn this information.

so...why? what happened?

(more under the cut, ended up writing wayyyy more than I expected over these past few days and don't wanna clog people's dashes lol)

so. let's take a quick dive into the last chapter of Death Toll, to see what we can discern about the Slaters from their dialogue.

the rescue vehicle in Death Toll is a civilian boat, Saint Lidia II, owned by John and Amanda Slater, a married couple. Amanda is never heard in-game, but John's reactions to her can be heard over the radio.

the Slaters are explicitly looking for "anyone out there with firearms". John later adds that "once you get on this boat? Your job is keeping our asses alive". it appears that their motivation for saving the Survivors is selfish from the get-go.

this is undoubtedly true in Amanda's case, however, some of John's lines betray a more selfless attitude. he will berate Amanda for not "think[ing] about the little guy". he will ask, "So what, then? We leave 'em to die? I can't do that, Amanda." whilst Amanda is thinking purely of their own survival, John still feels compassionate towards his fellow survivors. despite this, he says that "I don't want our first act of kindness to be our last", acknowledging the conflict between his compassion and his self-preservation.

so. these are the Survivor's saviours in Death Toll. a conflicted married couple looking for bodyguards, offering to take the Survivors upriver to a military safe zone in exchange for protection.

as for why they get thrown off the boat...well, the easiest explanation would be Amanda.

but, stay with me here, because I think it's a little more complicated than that.

this boat? fulla tension. there's the obvious tension between the Slaters, who we've established seem to fight and disagree regularly. then there's the inevitable tension between them and the Survivors. I reckon Louis, with his generally positive and friendly attitude, wouldn't have much of a problem with them, might even attempt some friendly conversation or something. however, he's about the only one.

the comic fully establishes Bill as caring about nobody except the Fairfield Survivors - the most obvious evidence of this being the words he lives and dies by, "we look after our own". he isn't particularly interested in other people, unless they can help the group out. and he'd likely recognise the unstable and conditional nature of their rescue. while I'm sure he'd try and keep the peace, in any reasonable disagreement or fight Bill's likely to take his friends' side, and if anyone's getting thrown off the boat Bill is going with them. this goes for the whole group, to be honest; I don't think they'd want to split up at this point.

Francis hates boats, hates water, and can't swim, so (and I'm getting a little speculate-y here) would probably be in an even sourer mood than usual on the journey. being as abrasive as he is, plus this additional stress, it's fully possible he could piss off the Slaters enough to get himself (or all of them) thrown off the boat.

as for Zoey? well, I don't imagine a married couple who constantly argues is gonna sit well with her, considering her backstory. similarly to Francis, the situation they're in would make her far more stressed, making it more likely for her to lash out.

Amanda didn't want to save the Survivors in the first place, so while I think that John wouldn't throw them off the boat without reason, I reckon she could persuade him to throw them off if they 'caused trouble' - and they would get into an argument with her far easier than they would with John.

in short: yeah, I can see them getting thrown off the boat by the Slaters after some huge fight or disagreement. I think that's a reasonable interpretation of canon, and definitely an interesting concept.

...however, I do wonder if this tension would really be enough to destabilise their mutual need, after everything they went through to come together.

which is why I'm going to bring up The Last Stand!

I gotta quickly address something before this segment: yeah, I'm totally aware this campaign isn't canon. this evidence works with the fact that it exists in an 'alternate timeline'. also, I am missing a few citations for this section - if anyone can provide them I'd really appreciate it, but just a disclaimer that I currently can't prove some of the things the wiki claims members of the Last Stand Community Update Team have said. here and here are the wiki pages where I got this information. in short - the above explanation is simpler and more canon compliant, the conclusion I draw at the end of this post is backed by shakier evidence but I believe is more interesting, and you can make of all that what you will.

allegedly, members of the Last Stand Community Update Team confirmed a strongly-suspected fan theory about The Last Stand: that it branches off from Death Toll in some way, in a non-canon alternative timeline. as well as this, they allegedly confirmed that in this alternative timeline, the Survivors still end up in Newburg for Dead Air. even without the confirmation, this remains a solid fan theory, due to the constant references to Riverside and re-use of many of Death Toll's assets.

who rescues the Survivors in The Last Stand? John Slater. no Amanda - just John. despite her lack of voice actress, if she was still present John would give some indication of this at some point. it can be speculated that whatever happened to her contributed to the lack of rescue at the boathouse that forced the Survivors to take an alternative route. either way, he ends up at the lighthouse when the Survivors call for rescue, alone, and picks them up.

and then later...throws them off the boat. into Newburg.

what reason would John have to do that? without Amanda, surely he wouldn't have that push, as he wanted to rescue the Survivors for multiple reasons in the first place. without his constant arguments with Amanda, Zoey wouldn't be nearly as stressed. and between the three of them I'm sure the other Fairfield Survivors would stop Francis from pissing John off enough to get them thrown off the boat. in short, less Amanda = less tension, and no reason for the Survivors getting chucked off the boat.

...right?

I'd like to remind you that a symptom of the Infection is paranoia.

what if, in both The Last Stand and Death Toll, John and Amanda are infected by the Survivors on the way to the military safe zone? after all, the virus is confirmed to occasionally be airborne, and I doubt two civilians have completely effective, sustained protection against that. likely the only reason they hadn't already been Infected is because they got out on the water early on in the pandemic, and hadn't come into contact with anyone else since. it's unlikely that one of them is immune, and even more unlikely that they're both immune (especially considering those with XX chromosomes may be genetically less likely to be carriers). wouldn't Francis have mentioned it if their rescuers turned or were obviously Infected? yes, but it's possible that the airborne strain works slower as well, meaning that the Survivors are thrown off of the boat after the symptoms kick in but before the Slaters fully turn. even Church Guy had at least an hour from being Infected to turning, and he was bitten. Newburg isn't too far from where the Survivors are rescued in Death Toll anyway (the burning city in the background of the finale is Newburg), so the Survivors clearly didn't last long on the boat anyway. as a result, the Survivors wouldn't realise it was the Infection intensifying the Slaters' paranoia - they'd just think the Slaters were being dicks. Francis also explicitly mentions that they were "left to die", implying negativity or even hostility from the Slaters as the Survivors were being thrown off.

so yeah. that's why I think they got thrown off of the boat in Death Toll - a combination of the intense tension between the two parties, and the Slaters falling victim to Infection-induced paranoia. but an explanation minus the Infection is equally as plausible. it all depends on what you find most interesting, I suppose, and both feel like they fit pretty well into the world.

lord this is a long chunk o text. I know most fandoms prefer art and fanfic over this sorta thing, so please let me know in replies or something if you're interested in more stuff like this. also if any of this makes sense because I like to ramble.

oh and if you'd like to use any of my interpretations in fanworks like art or fic, I'd love to see it :)

[luvdsc]

hi miss cat!!! i was wondering if you had any advice on asking mutuals to beta-read + making friendships here on tumblr? you and your mutuals always seem so close and like irl friends! i'm so sorry if this sounds out of the blue!

hi, honey bee!!! 💛 for asking mutuals to beta read, I just asked them shdjdjd I was like “hey do you wanna read my fic draft” and they were like “hell yeah” so then I just added them to my google doc! tk god (hyoseobie / eggyukhei) actually offered to read my drafts when I was having trouble and she gave me suggestions and whatnot, so she’s my go to for beta reading :’) I will throw every single ridiculous fic idea at her and she responds with 100% energy every time. the dumbing down of love and sweeter than honey wouldn’t have been completed without her !!!! for pussy blocked and august, I believe steph (aqiaquas), ti (m88n), lana (choerrypuffs), moon (wincore), and tk all had access to them. Except !!!! when I was debating on the ending for pussy blocked (aka jeno or jaemin), none of them knew who was endgame, except for moon 💓 she’s an absolute godsend and I heavily discussed everything with her for both august and pussy blocked, especially the ending 💕 so big shout out to her for really helping me out with both of them 🌸🌸

I made friends by either a) gushing about their writing in their ask box or dm’s because have you seen how talented they all are???? or b) they sent me a message! 🥰 I can go more into detail about my closest mutuals below:

tk god (hyoseobie / eggyukhei) — tk was my very first mutual on here and a big reason as to why I even started this blog :’) I found her nct blurbs and fell in love with them and I was like “I wanna write blurbs too!!” so I made this blog and then I sent her an ask and we just kept talking after that 💘 and we got close, and we were supposed to see nct together last june 🤧 nowadays, I just spam her with a lot of meme posts on insta and guilt trip her for dropping yukhei for jaemin and doyoung 😔 I’m sorry for clowning you so much tk

els (taeyongtime) — els is so freaking talented, and I read her tabula rasa fic way back in 2017 when I wasn’t even a fan of nct and didn’t know who each member was. All I knew was that this was the greatest fic I have ever read, and nothing will ever top it. anyway, someone asked me for fic recs, and I had tagged her in it because of course, I would recommend her superior fic 🤩 and then she reached out to me, and now we like to complain about work together lol and text everyday and I send her phyllis pictures and we even mail each other letters !! 💕 also !!!! She’s the closest to my age out of my close friends here, so I feel like it’s super easy to talk to her 💞

lana (choerrypuffs) — she reblogged my neptune’s atlantis fic, and I responded to her reblog and also her blog looked super aesthetic so I clicked on it and then read her fics and was like “wow god tier writing I need to send in some asks to scream about these fics because the TALENT 💓💓” and we talked but we didn’t get close until like a week later when I found this pjo meme and didn’t know who else liked pjo except for her so I randomly dm’ed it to her with some all caps screaming message LOL and now we enjoy shit talking about anything and everything because it’s a safe judge free zone for our unpopular opinions lmaooo and she bullies me for typing all my fics on my phone but it’s ok because at least I’m honest about my bias and I don’t burn toaster strudels in the oven

steph (aqiaquas) — I needed some jeno pictures to make his banner for my not clickbait series and posted a cry for help about it, and she responded !!! I believe she also left a comment earlier regarding my wips about bff renjun faking an aussie accent, but we didn’t talk to each other as much until the jeno pic thing! I dm’ed her for the help and we just continued to talk after that 💕 so thank you jeno I suppose lmaoo and we’re also pen pals now 🥰 big props to her for always giving the nicest advice and for always listening to me 🥺 i talk to her about work issues a lot and we text daily !! I tell her and ti more stuff about me than I do with any of my friends tbh 🤧 I also did a facetime with her and ti a few weeks ago and we got her to stay up past her early bedtime cndjjdjdjdjd she, ti, and i have a gc which she has named “JENO APPRECIATION SOCIETY” LMAO

ti (t-shrt / m88n) — ti left me the kindest words and most detailed asks regarding my fics, and I still cherish them so so much 🥺💗💗 from there, she sent me more asks and I started talking to her more until we began to dm each other! and my god, she just gets me 100% and I can talk to her about anything like even the scariest most personal stuff I don’t tell anyone else about myself, I feel comfy enough to tell her about it, and I hope she feels the same! We text each other everyday and are also pen pals, and I want to visit her and steph one day!!! 💖 honestly I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who has related to me so much before, and you know what? ti, if you’re reading this, I think this is the easy we were talking about before

moon (wincore) — can you believe that we’ve only been friends for 40 days??? I just checked and I am flabbergasted because it feels like so much longer than that. An anon messaged moon a cute ask about how she and I are both yunqis and write fics, and she had tagged me in it! So I sent her an ask, and we were also in the same almost collab, so I dm’ed her afterwards, and we started talking and now she sends me pictures of her doggos and I send pictures of phyllis and I can talk about anything with her and we like to bounce fic ideas off of each other (read: one of us tells the other about a wip and the other person screams and sends a bunch of capslock messages about it) jejdjdjd her only flaw is that she barks at her dogs and doesn’t see this as furry behavior 😔 also we have the same taste in men LOL legends only and I hope she’s having lots of fun in the club listening to t swift rn !!!!

april (dropofgoldensun) — april ilysm okay so she always left the loveliest comments under my fics, and one day, I had this fic idea and was like “I want someone else’s opinion on this” but I wanted a fresh perspective on it, so I decided to dm her out of the blue and ask what she thought of it! And from there, we began to talk more and we also sent each other letters !!! in fact, I got hers last week and it made me 🥺🥺🥺💗💗 I have it pinned up to the corkboard in my room along with drawings by steph 💘

so all in all, I made friends by regularly sending them asks or shooting them a dm, or they sent me asks and continued to have a conversation with me 🥰 as an extrovert, I always love making new friends and never shy away from meeting new people, but I understand that it can be scary for some to reach out and take the first step 🤧 but if you do decide to, you might meet the most wonderful people 💞 I honestly can’t imagine what my life would be like without the friends I made on here now 🤧💖 but also, be careful of stranger danger and talk to those appropriate to your age! quite frankly, for instance, it doesn’t make sense for a 25 year old to want to be friends with a 14 year old. I can understand if the 14 year old wants to ask for advice or something, but having an equal friendship is nearly impossible when you’re at different stages of your life / maturity. Please stay safe! 💛 and omg no need to apologize, lovebug, I hope my answer made sense for you! let me know if you have any other questions 💟

[voidcat]

– Nebula

“ A nebula (Latin for 'cloud' or 'fog'; pl. nebulae, nebulæ or nebulas) is an interstellar cloud of dust, hydrogen, helium and other ionized gases. “

Characters: Oikawa Tooru/Reader, Iwaizumi Hajime

Warnings: mentions of alcohol/drinking few times, few swear words

Summary & wc: Follow up for Stardust & 6.1k words

A/N:  (this was supposed to be happier and not so self indulgent... ops...), here are some songs that I think fits the vibe of this (yes they’re all CSH songs, no I don’t care.) – ao3

Beast Monster Thing (Love Isn't Love Enough)

I Want You to Know That I'm Awake/i Hope That You're Asleep

Hey, Space Cadet (Beast Monster Thing in Space)

The night ceases to exist. Just they like agreed.

Not a single good morning said when they wake up, still lying on the hood of the car. Not a single word is said on your part when he drops you off. Not a word leaves his mouth when he drives away.

It gets a bit too silent at school. Iwaizumi asking both of you, a little worried, if you got sick. Mattsun cracking a joke about how the end is nigh. You ignore them, Oikawa brushes the comments off. Yet they’re right, you are never this silent around one another. A few minutes later the two of you find something to argue over, entering your usual cycle of behavior.

Each day passes in a blur.

The boys still attend practice to teach the younger players as much as they can, to play together as long as they can. Savoring each serve, receive, pass and spike…

Besides their extra curriculum matches, comes the pressing issue of tests. And the unavoidable questions about college, decisions on college, all the excitement people have, and the sadness too.

Talking things over with your friends and getting some things a little clearer, you are all back to normal. As normal as you can be. As normal as anything can be after that night honestly.

The nagging feeling of being left alone never leaves. The whispers of pity, the unwanted, the avoided and such. Everything passes in a blur that you cannot comprehend most days.

Each day feeling like two yet ending so quickly, never long enough to do the things you want to do.

Then again, what do you want to do?

One by one everyone makes plans. Plans of college, of future, of a new life. A new country, a new city, few plans of marriage; isn’t it a bit early? Ignoring the never ending chants of future and what waits ahead, you go with your mundane tasks.

Wake up, have breakfast, go to school. Attend classes, take tests, have lunch, more school work. Go home, sit alone idly, have dinner, go to bed.

Repeat.

Words start to fall on deaf ears after a while, subconsciously blocking anything you don’t want to talk about. A nod and a hum is enough, no one asks about your opinions.

It’s as normal as it can be, as usual as it can be. You’re more self-aware about a few things maybe, after a non-existent rant under the stars yet the course of action everyone takes never changes. Birds eat the same seed every day, people discuss the same things every day. Life is back to normal.

Except it isn’t.

It hasn’t been for too long to pinpoint an exact time. Too long that it has become your normal perhaps. You try not to dwell on it too much, not wanting another restless night filled with heavy thoughts.

 And maybe you’re lucky because you find Oikawa Tooru under your window another night. It only takes one pebble this time.

Not a text, not a word, you go down as he waits. He drives as you play your music. You both look up, in your own worlds.

He doesn’t try to start a conversation, something you’re grateful for. As time passes and the sky changes, you find yourself falling to sleep.

You don’t have any dreams that night and find yourself awake in his arms.

He drives you home in complete silence.

This repeats.

School days after your nonexistent nights are weird to say the least. They feel different. You feel different.

No intrusive thoughts, not your brain attacking you, not blocking out anyone…

You can feel yourself see the bright lights and enjoy the world around you. Enjoying even the tiniest things happening, like a ladybug resting on a friend’s forehead completely catching them off guard. Tiny moments like polaroids, like sweet fruit flavored candy, small cakes on sticks; all waiting to be savored and enjoyed, to be seen and to be lived in. And live, you do.

Yet the tranquility never stays too long. So you hold onto it as much as you can.

Next time Oikawa arrives, you’re already waiting for him.

The escape feels refreshing, something completely yours. Another polaroid you want to keep in your pocket forever.

Maybe he notices it or maybe he just enjoys the passive company. Because he keeps coming, at least twice a week, never on the same days, never regularly. Yet as if planning before-hand, you always know when he will come next. There’s a chance he just observes you and shows up on the days you most need perhaps. For some reason Oikawa Tooru knowing you as much as you do, if not better, does not bother you in the slightest.

The first time the silence is interrupted is on him. The reason of it is absurd, if not in the slightest bit funny. You switch your classical music with Gorillaz that night. No particular reason needed, just feeling like it. And yet Oikawa almost loses his grip on the wheels when he hears the bass entrance of Feel Good Inc. He hits the breaks as he regains control.

“What the hell is this supposed to be?” He sounds exhausted, you can’t help but notice.

“Music?”

“Yes I do know the song Feel Good Inc, I’m not living in a cave.” He sounds exasperated at first but his voice softens after a huff. “It’s just completely opposite to what you’ve played this whole time.”

“I know, I just didn’t feel like classicals tonight.”

Giving a nod your direction, he drives again. It’s a different spot when you arrive.

Higher than the previous location, you feel closer to the stars.

Shining brighter, sending their messages louder, you see Oikawa walking away from the car. Laying a blanket on the ground, placing a small pillow behind him, he sits down. Maybe he’s not the only one looking a change tonight.

You walk up to join him, knees touching one another, physical contact becoming more and more familiar with each brush, on each night.

As El Mañana starts playing, you find yourself leaning back into his arms, the gesture growing on the both of you, as if natural. Each night spent with Oikawa, side by side, sometimes in completely silence, sometimes filled with low singalongs coming from either of you. Each different yet feeling the same in a way. Like entering a bakery as they take out newly baked bread, the smell of yeast filling the air and pulling you in.

It feels good to just not exist for a couple of hours at night, just to sit back and escape the current worries darkening your mind.

“Any plans of where to go next?” Oikawa breaks the silence first, it’s going to be one of these nights.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I know, that’s why I’m asking. You can mutter about anything into the void here.” He sounds different when you’re both lying on the ground, when your head is close to his chest. A voice in your head suggests it’s not just the position you’re in that makes him sound different than during the day.

“Please, not tonight.”

“Fair enough. But you have to answer another question first.” You groan.

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’.” Smacking his arm and getting a little ‘yelp’ from Oikawa, you wait for his question.

“If you could go to space, given the chance, would do agree to it?”

This, you could do. “Is it guaranteed I will arrive at a habitable planet?”

“No. It’ll be with the possibilities and conditions of today’s world only. So, would you?”

“Yes.”

“Why? I, for one, would like to see the stars surrounding me completely, in 3d and all.”

“It’d be a nice escape. A path with endless opportunities and surprises.” He goes quiet after that. Waiting for a while, you reach out for the can you brought along. In that moment uner the bright lights, it seems like the perfect opportunity.

Oikawa gives you a side look when he hears the hiss of the tin can. “Are you sure it’s a good idea for you to drink?” He almost sounds like he cares. Almost.

“It’s one can, plus you’re here and for the last time I am not an alcoholic. Lay off my back for once.” Taking a sip and letting the coldness spread over to your neck, you let out a breath.

“I thought that’s exactly what I have been doing this whole time.” He says playfully, smile becoming a common occurrence each night by his side. Weighing your opinions for a second, you hold out the can to him.

“Here, if you want to.” He takes the can without saying a thing, coughs after taking a sip and gives it back. You’re sure he won’t be asking for it ever again.

“I’ve heard somewhere, the color of space was actually a dark tone of green. I’m not sure where though.”

“You’re joking, right? You can’t have alcohol tolerance this low.”

“…No? What does it have to do with my tolerance?”

“Because I can’t think of any other reason for that dumb statement.”

“Says you, idiotkawa.” You elbow him slightly. He turns to face you fully, holding your unoccupied hand with both of his hands. Saying your name in a very serious tone, he looks at you dead in the eye.

“What, Tooru?”

“It is space. Empty. There is nothingness. No color.” He says the last two words with emphasis. As if by holding your hand, he keeps your eyes on him too. You want to look away, because he is right but you don’t have it in you to break free of his starry eyes. “Therefore black.” He finishes up.

“Alright Mr Space Cadet, we get it. I was just trying to make small talk.” You mumble to yourself. Not making any attempt to pull back your hand or to let go of your hand, you both stay like this. The only movements are of you leaning against him and taking a sip or two once in a while. The air feels buzzy after a while, as if scribbles one does in their notebook whenever they’re bored has come alive, filling the air and your head in the process.

You don’t remember falling asleep in his arms, like any other night.

You never do, it just happens. One minute you lean against him, the feeling and the warmth still unfamiliar but weirdly pleasant. The next thing you know, you’re awaken by his soft voice or the sunlight peering through your lashes.

The day resets like that.

As if your usual worries are not enough, Oikawa Tooru adds a pile of more to them. Now mixed with guilt too. Whenever Hajime is close to you, wraps an arm around you or hugs you. No matter how comfortable you are with him, it all still feels weird, strange even. It caught you off guard when he would hug you after winning a match, it still catches you off even when his hand brushes yours. So how come you can fall asleep so peacefully and easily in the arms of someone you’re never on good terms with?

Maybe it’s the dumb jokes. Or the playful insults that lost all their spite. Or maybe it’s how soft he sounds in those crystal rare moments.

A brand new day starts. Another day of ignoring problems, living as if life will not change so drastically soon, going through the day as if you didn’t spend another night doing things you’d never normally do. You blame it on the time, when you’re too worked up on it. You can be uncharacteristically cheery at nights, or productive, thinking of things you can’t even remember in the day, imagining possibilities you can’t even dream of at night. So you blame it on the late hours that you feel closer to Oikawa Tooru, blame it on the late nights and the shiny stars that you open up to him, of all people.

It develops so quietly that none of you notice it until Makki points it out one day. How you and the trash king have gotten so quiet nowadays, how the judging stares and knife like wordsd are replaced with looks of understatement and concerned nods. You just shrug and say you don’t have time for petty fights like this when the pressing matters of college approaches. He leaves it at that but his eyes show that he’s not buying it.

You don’t need him to, you just need him to stop bringing it up. Stop making it real, giving it life.

Another night and you’re waiting by the door, dressed up thicker than the last time. The breeze is harsher but he arrives shortly.

It’s him to start another conversation using space as a topic, unsurprisingly.

“So what’s the coldest temperature in space?” he says casually, as though you’ve been talking for hours. Eager to get it right this time and not make a fool of yourself, you answer a bit too quickly, your excitement noticeable in your voice.

“Oh! I know this. What was it… -267 celcius or something, right? The perfect crystal form?...” The laugh he lets out at your rambling, facing the sky, is enough to shut you up and stop, to sit back and take in the entity that is Oikawa Tooru.

The form your thoughts about Oikawa seem to take over with each night spent by his side scare you. Since when you ever saw him in that light?

“I think you meant -273 Celcius. But no that’s not the answer.” In a manner like he already knows the curious expression you have on, he goes on: “It hasn’t been measured yet.” He turns to look at you, head titled, a small smile decorating his face.

You hit his bicep and he starts laughing again, louder, brimmed with joy. For a second, you’re sure you’ve seen a supernova.

Shaking your head a little, with an invisible smile on your face, you direct your gaze back on the actual stars. Having looked up more constellations this time, you try to spot as many as you can, recall their stories and the myths, play the scenes in your mind, with your rules this time.

How small and important tragedy sounds in those stories, how vital they can be for catharsis, oh, just how easy things sound sometimes… You’d agree to fight a Minotaur than to live this life perhaps. Physical injury is a guarantee, as long as your cells are young and active, there’s always healing, always getting as good as new. I wish that was the case mentally as well, without having to reboot yourself and your entire system, or the system around you. If you can ever change the system around you. To blame it is the more convenient option, maybe.

“Have you thought about the future, decided on anything yet?” Oikawa pulls you out of your chain of thoughts.

“I am thinking of it as of now, just not about mine.”

“Whose are you thinking about? No need to tire your pretty head about mine or Iwa-chan’s!” the cheeky tone of his ringing in the air.

“I’d never give you the time of the day, thank you very much!” liar. “And to answer your question, the usual. People of the past that may have or may not have existed. Gods, heroes and such, et cetera.” Twirling your hand in the air as listing off, you start to lose your focus on the sky. Turning to face him, you can see the solemn look on his face.

“I mean it. Have you considered any fields yet? Any colleges you want to go and check out? Anything.” Since when does he care? Why does he care? What’s that to him, why is he so caring all of a sudden, when it all is coming to an end at an alarmingly fast pace?

“I haven’t thought much of it.”

“Bullshit.” He spats.

“Excuse me? Who made you the expert of me?” So much for calm nonexistent nights, I should’ve known we couldn’t go any longer without a fight.

“It doesn’t take an expert to know you overthink everything. But I also happen to be an expert and I know when you say ‘haven’t thought much’ it means ‘I’ve thought too much to the point of numbness and I’d like to ignore it altogether until it’s unavoidable.’. Go on. Tell me I am wrong.” He is not and he knows it. He always does.

“I’ve considered the fields my parents want to me major in, but they all seem… so out of reach. I suspect if I’m illiterate whenever I try to read up about them. So many options, all considered ‘respected’ are out of the question I suppose.”

“What about something in fine arts? Maybe writing? That first night, you sounded… touching.”

“Didn’t you say you weren’t listening?” Another smile appears on your face, smiling around him starting to get more and more of an instinct, a reflex. Something easy and subconscious.

“I wasn’t. Just like tonight.” You both look up, closing your senses under the influence of glistening stars.

“You have it easy.” You say after a while. Hearing the light shuffling noises, you know he’s turned to you again. You keep focusing your gaze on star after star, until the lights hurt your eyes.

“You have volleyball, will probably get a scholarship from many places, have a good career. Even if that’s not the case, you still know a shit ton about science and space so you can find something to do with engineering or space physics. While I sit here and just exist. Exist and do nothing else. I don’t even know what I like.”

You don’t realize how tense he gets, how his posture changes drastically. He doesn’t say anything. No comment, no criticism, no jokes, no advices, no insight from his side. Another rare Oikawa Tooru moment, of silence, which you’re glad to undergo.

That night ends in complete silence. Only sounds are of the engine and your music. You don’t hum once, he never grunts at the bad constriction of the road. Both tremendously careful to not shatter the fragile silence.

Another night to lock inside your mind box of “Imaginary Things” reaches its end like that. In silence, not so at ease unlike the previous times. This somehow makes the upcoming day easy to bear, already having a head start at feeling like this, has its perks it seems.

Iwaizumi tries asking you a few times when you’re one by one, if you’re alright or need someone to talk. Thanking for the offer, you try to dismiss his worry and convince him you’re fine. He knows that’s not the case, he always knows what’s going on in your head better than anyone but he doesn’t press it, afraid of driving you away. Iwaizumi Hajime seems too good to be real most of the time.

 “So what do we have tonight?” Oikawa asks, eyes never leaving the road.

“Hibiscus tea.” A hum comes from your right. “But it’s over brewed, you may not like it.”

“I can always try. It can’t be worse than that awful beer.”

“I thought ‘no judgement’ was a rule for these nightly trips.”

“We’re on our way so the night hasn’t begun. And that beer deserves all the judgement it gets. To hell with the rules.”

“I bet you don’t even know the different between different types of beer, whatever”

Smiling becomes natural at night, so is being able to talk without worries. To let out all your problems, feel the weight on your shoulders dropping off… It feels like floating in the air, the sky feels baby blue, illuminated by the sunlight. It feels like a good summer that will never come.

“I don’t want to because I am afraid of what will follow.” You blurt out suddenly. It’s funny how much one can think over what to say, weaving each word to use, putting them in the best order. Then you open your mouth and they all lose their magic.

Oikawa doesn’t say anything, most likely waiting for you to continue.

“When I talked that night, I mean. If I did it more and more often, I fear I will lose myself, or a part of myself. I don’t want to dissociate to the point of extinction. I mean, I do want that sometimes, but in a different way.

It’s almost funny how I know so little about myself yet live in fear of losing myself. Maybe I just want to discover myself before losing completely.” You pause to breathe, to listen. Listen to his breathing closely, to try and tell what he is thinking. You pause to focus on the dark parts of the sky. Imagine yourself getting pulled up, covered in dark matter, if that is even possible.

“If you want to elaborate…” Oikawa speaks at last. You don’t even hear him at first. He has gone quieter than usual.

Fiddling with your fingers and the empty cup you’re holding, your head falls down. Gather your thoughts or not? Form sensible sentences or speak in incoherent blabbering? Doesn’t matter much, either way, no matter wat you do, you’re convinced it all will sound absurd.

“That night, describing it was easy. I just closed my eyes in my mind and imagined myself talking about someone else. Like a character you’re analyzing in a book, or someone you’re trying to make assumptions about to understand them better. Kind of like you, when you break someone into pieces and examine each, then put it all back together in your mind to form them and gain a better perception of them.

That’s what I did, in some ways. Dissected that part of me to bits and pieces and talked in third person, so the words could flow effortlessly. If I kept doing I would only detach from myself completely and it would be too late to build a new me, because it wouldn’t even be me because I don’t even know me!” You don’t realize cradling your head with both hands, wrapping your arms around your face or pulling knees to your chest. You don’t notice the way your voice hitches, or how it gets hitch pitched. The stinging tears at the edges of your eyes feel nothing, just like the fingers wiping them away.

The rest of the night is unknown to you. You don’t remember anything else happening. Did I bury it down deep in my mind or fall asleep? No matter the answer, it doesn’t matter. You prefer not to remember.

The numbness gets worse in time, you notice that a little too late. Trapping yourself inside the gray fog for too long, you never asked Iwa what he was applying for, where he was going. All these nights spent with Oikawa, hours of rants and not even once you knew about his doubts regarding of volleyball. His plans about Argentina were worth celebrating, and celebrate you all did. You’ve never felt more selfish in your life.

That week he didn’t came over once, you didn’t expect him to. It was fine, accumulating back to loneliness was better in the longer term. A lot has happened that requires you to think over.

The days pass in a mixture of colors. You can picture the water when various watercolor brushes are dipped into the cup, all the colors lifting of and disappearing one by one.

Bright and warm colors for short lived happiness, small things that get to you, leaving just like sun light does when a cloud covers the sun suddenly. The cloud stays there for longer. Little moments that remind you you’re alive, like a jolt of electricity. The effect wearing off quickly.

The rest is usual, always tainted, blurred, covered, hidden behind a curtain.

Oikawa comes back another night. You feel like you’re on a deadline.

During the drive, you lean against the window and close your eyes, listening to the low voice of the radio. By the time you turn around a little, to rest on the car seat headrest, you’ve fallen asleep. Awoken by an unfamiliar warmth and luscious eyes, you yawn and leave the car. You must be still sleepy and more tired than you anticipated.

Lying down by his side, just like many other nights, you let yourself see the bright lights, enjoy the ones you cannot reach.

“I think I’ve found it.” You whisper to the stars.

“Found what?” They ask back, he inquires.

“Something I like.” You say matter-of-factly, as if it is that easy.

Taking in the silence as your que, you continue.

“I like the person I become when I am with you. It feels carefree. Talking is easier, the vastness of the sky is comforting. It shows how I am only human, how it’s okay just to worry sometimes. It feels good to look up and think ‘Hey all these humans, all these animals and plants, protists and mushrooms, everything alive and existing. All these living forms we are unaware of, out in the space… With too many to count out there, how can I ever be alone?’ It puts me at ease, just like you do sometimes.”

“What about Iwa-chan?”

“It’s different.”

“We have all the time.”

“With him, I am the best of me, but it’s draining. It exhaust me and I think it drains his stamina mentally. It feels I am too dependent on him sometimes. I can’t keep doing this to him or to myself.

While with you, I can just… be the fuck up I am and live like that. With you I can be many aspects of myself and not receive a single intervention. I can say whatever and you wouldn’t care to intervene. Or maybe you don’t do or say anything simply because you care.” Giving yourself a moment to breathe and gather your thoughts, you pause.

“I don’t want to suck the life out of him until we are left with nothing but dread and dust. I need to grow and improve for him, if not for me, but in my own terms and without him. I think I just like to exist with all these broken and unopened packages of myself, all scattered in a box but somehow managing to be whole.”

“Careful not to dissect yourself further.”

“Don’t worry, these are just former lab results, nothing new.”

Wrapping his arm around your figure and pulling yourself to him, he just nods his head. It’s not like you can see, still a gesture to show he is listening. The night passes away with the close proximity. Pulling you to himself and resting your head on his chest starting to develop as a habit. In the hallways you never stand on Iwaizumi’s other side anymore, always between the two. Almost instinctive and noticed by the others.

You don’t fall a victim to Morpheus’s sand so quickly that night. Still awake and examining the sea above you, you are not startled when Oikawa wraps his other arm around you as well, your breath doesn’t hitch when plants a kiss to your forehead, you heart doesn’t skip a beat when his grip tightens a little. It feels so familiar, they all do. It makes no sense, it is nothing usual. Then why aren’t you surprised?

Needless to say, you don’t sleep that night.

“Astrophysics doesn’t sound so bad actually.”

“Where did that come from?” Iwaizumi asks. He’s walking you home today, insisting the two spend as much time together as you can before graduation comes.

You shrug at him. “It’s time I start thinking about what to do about my future. And space doesn’t sound like a bad idea to discover and learn more about.”

“Aren’t you thinking ahead now? It’s not like we will graduate in a day or two and end another chapter in our lives.”

“Ha ha, very funny Haji.” Shouldering him lightly, you both keep walking. Stopping once in a while to pet a stray you see, which usually ends up with Iwaizumi getting scratched. The sun is setting down, drowning the world in hues of orange and coral. You don’t want this moment come to an end.

It becomes another polaroid you keep hidden in your front pocket, above your heart.

Not hearing it for so long, you don’t grasp what’s happening at first. The second pebble is all the explanation you need.

It’s the last night before the graduation. Last night before you begin a new chapter, before you all enter a new adventure, all on your own merry, separate ways. It may be the last night to spend with a fog stuck your head or a night of good dreamless sleep but Oikawa seems to oppose it.

He drives to the exact place you first went with him, parks in the exact spot too. You wonder if he marked it somehow or if his memory is just that good.

In a way, it’s a fitting way to end. With another non-existent night. Who am I even kidding at this point? These were the most real nights you’ve ever had in the past decade, it’d do no justice to brush them off with a snap.

Just like that first night, you both sit on the hood of the car, looking up to the night sky. So many has changed ever since. It has not even been that long. Time is a funny concept.

You have considered doing that by yourself few times, or with other people. Driving and stargazing one night, escaping civilization and all its expectations behind. Imagination was more than enough of an answer. It’d not feel the same without him, wouldn’t be as welcoming, as relaxing as it is with him. It’d be another sorrowful night spent in your room, with a new setting only. However, you still want to try and you will, when the time is right.

“So, how do you feel tonight?” Hints of something different is painted in his voice.

“Neutral, I suppose.”

“No, I mean, which color you feel tonight.” He’s looking at you again. “Still grey?”

Staring at one of the stars for a while, is it Vega?, you stay silent. “Not exactly.”

“It still has grey-ish tones but I think it is manifesting. Like a pale, pastel color, you know?”

“I think I see your point. Still, you have a weird way of explaining emotions through colors.”

“Maybe it’s because they’re emotions, subjective constructions of the self.” Maybe you shouldn’t have said that so harshly. The ‘hmph’ coming from him justifies that thought.

“But if you really want to know, it’s a soft pink. Not the bright kind, not lively like cotton candy. Champagne can match the tone I think, but it’s not as bubbly as it is either. Almost like a soft tone you can see on a rose petal, the type that seems dirty but adds contrast to the flower itself too.”

He nods his head once. You hope he leaves it at that and the rest of the night goes in silence. You know first-hand how much Oikawa Tooru loves to do against your wishes, tonight is no exception.

“Is that how you feel, about these nights? About me?”

Shrugging in response, you mumble a ‘I guess so.’

“It’s almost funny. How people use pink and red for affection and love but I don’t think these words cover what I truly feel, inside my bones. Does that even make sense? I hope it does, I need it to make sense. I don’t know.”

“Still conflicted about love, I see.”

“I’ve given it a thought, you know. On you and I.” He raises a brow at that, another gesture you fail to see.

“That first night, especially. About how maybe we could be on different terms, were the circumstances different. Maybe I would be closer with you, something similar to what I share with Haji. Or perhaps we would talk a few times and never be friends, not even on speaking terms. Or maybe we could be more. It is effortless and harmless to think about what-ifs to never come. I must’ve been doing that more than I realized on these nights.”

Oikawa doesn’t say anything at first. For a minute, you’re sure you’ve lost him, drove him away for good. Could it be that you spoke so lowly and he fell asleep? That could happen, right?

You try not to think about it, or worry about it. But it’s hard when the current source of your worries lies right next to you, breathes so placid and transparent.

“We could give it a try, if that’s what you want.”

You don’t hear him the first time. Because there is no way these are the words that leave his lips. You must’ve heard him wrong or zoned out. There is no other explanation.

You want to jolt up and yell ‘Are you making fun of me? Of my emotions?’ You want to throw your hands into the air and scream, shriek, yell. ‘What is this? Luring me into a false sense of safety only to fuck with me on the last day, to get the last laugh and make it a grand thing? Were you pretending this whole time? Was it all just a lie? I know we said it would not exist but was it all just an act? Have I been living a lie this whole time?...’

You don’t say any of these. Instead, you sit up, hands in your lap, staring at your hands. You know what he would say. Oikawa has been annoying as long as you’ve known him then again, he would never do something like this. ‘Why would I go and scheme some absurd plan like this? And to what end? To hurt you? You’re already doing that yourself, I am just trying to help for once!’ You’ve been a great support lately, but how much of it did you mean?

Taking a deep breath to clear your head of the imaginary argument you just had in your mind, you turn to look at him. He looks so peaceful, stands out in the best way possible. Almost like a cut out figure, center of a collage.

“Why are you asking me this, Tooru? Why?” he rests one arm on the surface, leaning on it.

“Do you really need a reason?” Taking a look at you, he sighs.

“The same reason you and Iwa-chan became friends in the first place, the same reason I pick you up at nights, the same reason you keep coming along. The same reason we both seek company to fall asleep. The same reason we talk about space and things that make no sense when we could be addressing our real problems.”

He has a point. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. He looks exhausted.

He is right. Since when you’ve needed a reason for everything you do? What is living if you seek reason and logic behind everything? Since when living has been all about reason and purpose and not just surviving the day or enjoying the moment, suffering the pain and laughing under the sun? Since when a motive is required to act as you wish?

“Don’t you agree it is a little too late to ask that question?” You say at last.

“It was never right before, it never fit the moment as much as it does now.”

“Would it even work? You know what I think of ‘love’. Can one even care for someone before caring for themselves first? Do you even see me in that light?

“We don’t have to do anything. That’s why I called it a ‘try’.” He pulls you down with him as he talks.

“Tooru, you’ll be going to Argentina soon. There’s no time for trying.”

“I know, I just want to purpose that out loud. But if you ever want to give it a go in the future, I can wait.” Before you can turn to face him, to object, he tightens his arm around you and continues.

“I am not offering to wait for you. I can simply wait until someone comes into my life. But if you show up before that someone and would like to give it a try, I wouldn’t oppose to the idea.”

You consider his words for a while. It makes sense, sounds reasonable too. What’s there to lose?

Making yourself comfortable in his arms, you wish him a good night for the first time. Reaching to hold one of his hands, you let your mind drift off to sleep. Another kiss atop your head and a chin rested against your head are the last things you remember about that night.

[guiltywisdom]

I'm so happy to have discovered your blog today! If I may ask--I have a problem and I'm interested in your thoughts on it? I'm genderfluid and bi, and I recently told a fellow Catholic friend that I'm not in agreement with the Church on LGBTQ issues. She has become DETERMINED to "help" me change my mind, but she puts it as helping me "understand" church teaching better. Like, talking about this regularly and trying to figure out "why" I'm like this. I DON'T WANT! But how do I make it stop?

I’m happy you found me! I’m not Roman Catholic, rather Orthodox Catholic (and even then I’m a bit of a heretic) but I’ll try my best!

(also before I start, a friendly reminder that Orthodoxy is a collection of decentralized and independent churches, not one large church under one authority like Roman Catholics)

Quoting bible verses verbatim without interpretation can often be helpful. 

The first thing that comes to mind is “Judge not, lest ye be judged.” (Mathew 7:1) and “Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls.” (Romans 14:4). 

However my largest conviction (besides my own morals the Spirit blessed me with of course) comes from my belief that there is no true translation of the Bible yet and rather often it has been read wrong! As the Church Father’s have said, no man can boast that he has the one and only definitive reading of the Bible, more that he is one of many who endeavor our best to interpret the word of God. Also we must look at the historical context first though to even get close!

So, firstly any translation that uses the word “sodomites” is probably using it wrong! A “sodomite” is actually only a person who lived in “Sodom” however the more broader use refers to a person who does not treat guests well nor do they give to the poor. "'Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.” (Ezekiel 16:49). 

Now you probably know the passage in Leviticus, its the one soooo many anti LGBTAQ+ people quote! 

“You shall not lie with a male as with a woman. It is an abomination.” (Leviticus 18:22)

Well here is some facts. If you look around the passages, in the Hebrew/Greek and the historical context you realize it’s referencing male concubines or even sacred prostitution/temple prostitution. I will admit that it might be on unsteady ground, but I think it should be looked into further and not just simply dismissed. 

Now Corinthians is not the same, it’s a lot more obvious.

“Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men.” (1 Corinthians 6:9)

This is how the passage is usually translated but in the Greek from which this was translated it actually is using the words malakoi and arsenkoitai which ACTUALLY translate better as “Adult men who have sex with younger men”

As Cristina Richie says “Paul [in I Corinthians] intended the term malakoi to refer to a catamite, or the boy in the Greek boy/man arrangement [pedophilia victim], and arsenkoitai to refer to a pederast, or the man in the same relationship [pedophile]. These terms are not synonymous (unlike ‘homosexual’) but complementary[…].”

Now after all this, why have I said all this? I’m trying to arm you with some information! That’s the best way. A lot of people will come at you with their own interpretations and you need to arm yourself against those who would try to do you harm both physically, mentally and spiritually! 

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” (Ephesians 6:10-17)

Now that I’ve armed you with some passages I just want to say, if you want this to stop (other than using the armaments I have given you) just be honest with them. Try to make them understand that you don’t want to change. That this is who you are, it’s who God made you to be and this isn’t a thing to be “solved”. The Roman Catholic Church isn’t going to change it’s broader teachings any time soon, I do hear the Pope has spoken out about how he believes God only condemns the act of homosexuality and not the person themselves and don’t get me wrong, this is an important step! Maybe there might be a Vatican III where they decide homosexuality is fine! But this doesn’t change how they view it right now. It’s only a single step and a institution as old as Rome isn’t going to change any time soon in any real meaningful way. I am talking about Homosexuality in general since it’s the only issue directly addressed in the Bible, except maybe “cross dressing” but don’t get me started on that one (What the Hell does Deuteronomy 22:5 MEAN? “A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this.” men wore “dresses” back then though???).

I think your friend has to learn to sympathize with you, to know that this kind of rhetoric is hurting you! That if they want to be your friend, if they want to be a friend at all, that this is NOT how! Jesus and God is first and foremost about love. 

I hope I didn’t overwhelm you with my block of text! 

Even if your friend doesn’t come to accept and love you for who you are, know that I DO, that other people like me do and of course, God does. 

“Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.” (Romans 13:10)

[what-even-is-thiss]

What do you do as an english major? I might major in english so I want to know what's kinda gonna happen, I think I have a good view but I'm still learning new things from friends who majored in english (if you dont have time I understand)

That depends on whether you wanna be a standard English major or an English Education major. English Education majors are going on to be middle school or high school teachers. That’s it. They probably go on to a one or two year teaching credential program and a student teacher assistantship after they get their bachelor’s.

Plain old English majors are there for a variety of reasons. To have a college degree and make it easier to get a job later, to become college level professors, to go into publishing, because they wanna become writers and their school doesn’t have a creative writing major, to become archivists at libraries and museums, because they wanna be librarians, or because they want to go to law school afterwards. More pre-law students are English majors or minors than Political Science these days.

Regular English majors (that’s what I am) have to take literature courses. A lot of people seem to assume we take classes in grammar. That’s not the case. This is an English Literature degree. Not an English Language degree. Every school has different requirements but basically there will be categories and you need to take a certain number of classes in that category to graduate. Except for a few main core classes you can pick and choose which classes you want to take.

My school requires an intro to American literature class, an intro to British literature class (Brit Lit), a Shakespeare course, and a literary analysis training course (introduction to literary criticism).

In intro to lit crit students learn about the major schools of literary criticism (psychological, marxist, queer, etc.) and usually find themselves a focus, although you should be expected to know how to use any form of criticism if it is asked of you. This class is generally more activity heavy then any other class and involves a lot of hands on stuff. Or about as hands on as English can get. (its not that exciting in my opinion) You go through poetry analysis, book analysis, play analysis, history of lit crit, and short story analysis and are taught how to write a professional level academic paper that could potentially be published in a journal. (some undergrads even get published. It’s true!)

Most of the other classes will be about the same. You will be assigned readings relevant to the class and be expected to have notes on them when you come in. Classes usually consist of a combination of group discussion and lecture. Lectures are normally part common analysis of the text and part history lesson. Lectures are where you usually get most of your literary history info, so pay attention and take a lot of notes. Grading usually involves a series of tests and essays. The professor will assign an essay or two (or four if they’re pure evil) and you will follow their instructions. Tests are usually about the history lectures and the contents of the readings. Sometimes you will be expected to write a short timed essay during a final exam but not usually. Often times there will be class discussions or small group discussions and the teacher will ask you to come up with some kind of analysis together. Lectures can be very interactive as well. Professors will often ask for questions and opinions from the class and students regularly ask questions and are encouraged to do so. English classes are usually pretty small too (30 students or less. Sometimes as little as 12 students) so the professor generally knows everyone and will know when someone isn’t engaging with the material. Class participation is usually a part of the final grade.

Normal categories of classes you have to take are world lit, American lit, Brit lit, ancient lit, and lit of diversity. These can have a lot of different classes in them. Mythology, British Medieval, Chaucer, Ancient World lit, Chicano, African American, Women Authors, Asian American, pop fiction, the list goes on.

English Education majors have to do all of this too, but they have to take less classes in the different literature categories. While I have to take two Brit lit classes, an English Ed major only has to take one. In addition to these they have to branch out, taking public speaking classes, drama classes, linguistics classes, etc. To make them a more well rounded teacher, you know.

English Ed majors at my university also have to put together a portfolio of work that they’ve done. I don’t have to do that, but I do have to take a senior seminar class, which is a small intensive class with a really narrow focus and a lot of paper writing. I’m probably gonna have to do that next semester. Ugh.

Oh, and both have a foreign language requirement. You have to do it for two semesters in a row usually.

In addition to all this you have to take general education courses. Those are all really different though so I can’t tell you about them.