#they write about these topics in a really personal and intimate way. the kind of thing that resonates on a level beyond the superficial

[mc-cookies]

Cannot get the transfemininity of Deltarune out of my head today, specifically Dess Holiday as a kinda tragic and beautifully transgressive perspective on womanhood. This was gonna be a tag rant on another post but I got sick of trying to cut it down short enough to fit in relatively few tags so I guess I'm just gonna throw it out there as an original post? This might get a bit long and tangent-heavy but god I need to get it out of my system at least a bit.

Okay so. Dess is so so so resonant to my experience with (trans)femininity, especially given her thematic connections to the Knight. Like. What if you were constantly told that, if you’re gonna be a woman, there’s only one way you’re allowed to do it. What if you were constantly compared to your sister and your mother and expected to end up becoming them rather than being your own person. What if you had to hide and downplay your interests because if you made them too apparent people would ignore your identity and write you off as a problem child and a bad influence. What if people criticized your clothes and your music taste as offensive and inappropriate. What if, when you changed too much of yourself in response to both self discovery and trauma, you ended up being removed from the narrative, from the only community you’ve ever known. What if your name became scandalous and everyone tried so so hard to forget you. What if they left you for dead, but never put up a gravestone under your name. What if you became something new, something mysterious that pokes holes in the logic of the world and challenges the basic social fiber. What if people used that as an excuse to frame you as a legendary villain, the monstrous beast, the antagonist in the story that they have told for time immemorial. What if you decided that maybe the world as we know it does need to end, to be replaced with something that can accommodate a boisterous and weird and confident and self-assured woman like you. ghhhhh i’m biting and tearing this is literally what it’s like to be a trans woman!!!!!

[ihave-atummyache]

3 way with ur roomie, hey roomie

ot8 blurb/imagine

stray kids

just my personal thoughts on the topic of ur skz!bf sharing u with another member (;

1.5 words

just hard thoughts i guess? idk im just horny and thinking

bang chan:

would share u with seungmin.

i feel like they would have very different approaches to how they are intimate, however, they both very much so give off brat tamer vibes in my opinion! i think seungmin would be more of a hard!dom brat tamer and chan would be more of a soft!dom brat tamer or even like more of an emotional brat tamer than a physical one. in the context that seungmin would spank you, smack you, spit on you, degrade you, chan would rather have you write that youre sorry 100 times on a piece of paper. im sorry its hot idk dont ask me!

i think their dynamic would work well together because they are so opposite but also so similar that it would be really easy to break you.

also they both would definitely love to see you cry. idk thats what theyre saying!!

lee know:

would share u with chan.

okay, hear me out. i know most people would think that he would share you with jisung but i so disagree!! minho is a possessive, jealous, mfer (hot). that being said, he is also basically joined at the hip with jisung and when you come around, its probably quite often the three of you together.

i dont think minho could stand the idea of you being around someone 24/7 that has seen you naked and felt every inch of you. hes sooo jealous.

but!! i think minchan would make for a great time tbh. theyre both so strong and yummy that it could get really rough, fast!! they're both very conscious of your body and how it is reacting to everything and they work in perfect tandem to make sure youre having a good time :p

you definitely cum so many times you can’t walk by the end of it all!

oh! and they both have greatttt stamina so i can just imagine you guys going at it for hours and hours.

most likely to have been made self indulgently, fueled by my own personal desires.

-on my knees for minchan.

changbin:

would share u with hyunjin.

changbin is so obsessed with hyunjin and its the cutest thing in the world. he thinks he can never be more obsessed with anyone but then, he meets you!

the idea of the two people he adores most in the world being intimate with him at the same time??? hot. hot hot hot. i also think that binnie is such a visual person. seeing you and hyunjin together is probably just pure art in his eyes.

i think that it would actually be super intimate. it would definitely not be something that happens often or casually. it probably happened one night on accident and it was a lot more intimate and intense than you all figured it would be.

changbin and hyunjin definitely kiss while they eiffel tower u. im sORRY!

hyunjin:

would share u with felix.

hyunjin loves felix so much. we all know this. i think that it would be very important that you and felix get along for hyunjin to make the relationship work.

honestly, it wouldnt surprise me if hyunjin were to make you two meet before you meet anyone else. he just values lix's opinion so much and its so cute. with that being said, i think that the idea of sharing you would kind of come naturally.

you and felix have GREAT chemistry and i think it would be hyunjin that suggests it. you three are probably sitting around the table or in the living room and he's just listening to you and felix talk and then he just speaks up with something stupid and hyunjin-like, for example: 'do you wanna have a threesome. like us three?' and obviously you and felix are quite surprised but after it being talked about, youre all down.

felix is probably a little softer in bed and i imagine hyunjin being the same way, except if he get particularly worked up. i imagine sex with hyunjin is usually pretty intimate and more like love-making. he is just such a romantic and values intimacy so much.

theres probably a lot of you receiving great head from the two boys and a LOT of kissing. and they have such nice lipshshshsjash

u definitely have a few bruises left as a reminder.

han:

would share u with minho.

okay okay okay so

im sensing the dynamic of minho actually not really participating and youre both kind of submissive BECAUSE voyeur minho>>>>

him telling jisung exactly how he should touch you or what he should say to you and then he gets all frustrated when jisung doesnt do it right and pushes him out the way and is like 'do it like this' and then showing him exactly how its done.

you're definitely being treated like an object more than a person and it's embarrassingly just that much hotter. i feel like jisung would follow every one of minho's commands without much thought. he trusts him whole heartedly even when it comes to you.

when you do actually have sex with both of them, it’s probably super rough. i feel like jisung would feed off minho’s energy and try to match it, yk?

felix:

would share you with changbin.

okay....hear me out! why do i lowk feel like you could dom changbin and felix so well.... and theyre so muscly and like masculine but you can get them both on their knees for you????? HOT

anyways, felix trust changbin a lot and he has said that changbin is his ideal type in men so... youre his ideal type, changbin is his ideal type, felix is in heaven.

a lot of praise from you has them both flustered and blushing and like putty in the palm of your hand. they could definitely dom you too tho!!! dont get me wrong.

manhandled, thrown up against a wall, rough, marked up, the works. they would probably hold you up at an insane angle so they can both fuck into you at the same time. some crazy karma sutra shit. i think they would be the first ones out of all these duos that would be found out. the way that changbin just suddenly gets a lot closer and touchier with you and the way the three of you would interact, it would be suspicious

most likely to end up in a poly relationship, methinks!

seungmin:

would share u with i.n.

THATS HIS BRO FR.

"seungmin, how do i make a girl cum with my fingers?"

"i can show u better than i can tell u"

and thats how you end up sprawled out on the bed getting edged over and over and over until you can barely feel your body!

"no angle your hand like this, there you go! you feel how this pretty pussy just clenched around you? thats good"

"you could probably make her squirt, she does all the time"

seungmin's words would be filthy. actually talking like youre just a sex doll that they can use for their own pleasure. i.n would probably often return and ask you and seungmin different questions and then youre all in the bedroom

he just happens to be more of a visual learner is all!

least likely to become poly, methinks! im under the impression that out of everyone, seungmin and jeongin would be the two that are most likely to keep things platonic. i think these would also be the most likely two members that have a friend with benefits and genuinely never catches feelings, yk?

okay and maybe it's just my own personal hand kink.... but they both have such fucking pretty hands like oh my goshdmsmshx put them down my throat pls!

i.n:

would share u with jisung.

tbh i think jeongin would be the most likely to share you with multiple members (maybe at the same time but uh anyways) but him and jisung just work.

jeongin is genuinely sooooo fond of jisung and you can just tell. he takes good care of jisung, even though he's younger and i think he trusts him a lot.

however, i think there could be a crazy dynamic here...

dom i.n x sub hannie x sub you?????

why is that kind of hot... and you all know im a big advocate for dom!han but i imagine him being a softer dom, at least a lot softer than jeongin. i.n and minho seem like they would be very similar in their dom ways.

i just cant imagine jeongin being a sub!!! like he IS an aquarius…lets not forget.

him and han’s dynamic is very silly and you can tell that they love each other dearly and feel very safe with one another. like they’re very much themselves around one another. i think thats why han would be able to sub to jeongin. and the irony of him being younger and he’s bossing him around… he would dig. jisung a freak!

han is a certified pussy addict. he eats coochie off the bone!! im imagining you sat back against i.n’s chest and jisung is between your legs just devouring and jeongin has his fingers practically gagging you omg i gtg N O

[bountifulchips]

Best Friend Duties: Crowe x reader

Summary: What’s a more fun way to suffer than having your best friend by your side! Spend a late-night moment with Crowe as you dive into research ruckus, deep conversations, and friendships! (Or something more? :D)

word count: 1.1k

Ah yes, the usual late night ventures inside your apartment filled with the radiations of your laptop (and your sanity). You need to sacrifice all of your nights in order to achieve good grades, after all.

But tonight is a little different.

With everything piling up, you needed some emotional backup. And who better to call than your ever-so-charming best friend, Jericho Ichabod — or as most know him, Crowe. He didn’t hesitate to agree to stay the night. A study buddy might just be what you need to survive this academic dilemna.

Truthfully, you've never had any visitors at your apartment until both you and Crowe got drenched and he had to evacuate to yours right away. Things were... Let's just say the past events were rather intimate between you two. Whenever you sit on the same exact spot of the couch, your mind immediately replays the moment where his longing presence was wrapped against you (specifically, your neck). Crowe is undeniably sly, but maybe that’s what keeps you hooked.

When he arrived, you whipped up some midnight snacks before getting started with research chaos. Your chosen topic? It was an investigation into the attachment styles and interpersonal relationships of Titan City's college students — specifically, those from the higher class. Moving on, you both sat on the floor, laptops glowing side-by-side on the coffee table. Back pain is a problem for later

Crowe let out a long yawn, rubbing his cheeks. "Our group needs more participant feedback... The lower years won’t bite, even if there are exclusive incentives." He pinched the bridge of his nose while contemplating his whole life in front of his glowing laptop. Research-1, Crowe-0.

“That’s rough,” you sympathized, typing away. “Keep pestering them. Kill 'em with kindness, right?” You understood his stress. Gathering respondents for a quantitative study felt like picking out roses — roses with thorny opinions that could make or break your data.

Crowe scooted closer, his shoulder resting gently against yours as he peered at your screen. “What about you? Are your participants settled?”

"Just wrapped everything up yesterday,” you said with a grin. “Thank goodness we have Hyugo in our group — guy can charm a freaking tomato in seconds. I contribute the write-ups while he handles everyone else.” You chuckled, recalling how your teal-haired classmate still managed to have his ball of energy despite chattering all day. “Surprisingly, the higher class students were… cooperative enough."

Crowe hummed, amused. "Ah, wonderful. You can finally acquire enough sleep." He skimmed through your paper again, now behind you, leaning in as he scrolled. You could say personal space was not in his dictionary tonight.

"The higher class, huh? What was it like to interact with someone most people fawn and despise?" He murmured, gently moving your hair aside to whisper in your ear. "I’ve been curious as to how that made you feel." He reassured you and waited for your response.

You laughed."Ah, yes... The Trivia Master Ichabod strikes again!" Crowe lightly smacked your shoulder, and you shifted back to a more thoughtful tone.

"Well, there are a lot more privileged beings than what I expected... For starters, the administration did accept the approval letter for conducting research related assessments, which surprised me because I really thought the higher faculty would reject the whole idea! I guess I got lucky." The more you presented your words, the closer he leaned to you.

Crowe nodded, face in deep thought. "Do you think that they treated you with real respect? Or was it just tolerance – waiting for the survey to end?" He ponders and awaits your new answer.

You hesitated. "Perhaps a mix of both. You never truly know someone’s real intentions unless you dig deeper into them." You answered truthfully. Crowe's presence lingers more and moves closer behind you.

"Just be careful with the people you allow to stay in your orbit. Not every star wants to see you shine." He lightly brushed your hair, giving you some comfort. "I look forward to the full results of your research. I could smooth out some grammar issues as well!"

You looked back, ruffling his hair. "You're such a multitasker-king! Or whatever that is. Seriously, thank you, Crowe. Just being with you in every small step means a lot to me. I feel like I don't help you enough, to be honest."

He blinked. "You're kidding, right? Your presence is always there whenever I need it. Every single moment we have together… It's like the stars shift to make room for a new constellation. Just being near you is enough."

He rested his head against the back of yours and sighed. You could feel all of his tensions fading away the moment he said that.

"Oh, Jericho. You and your way of words." you said as you nuzzle your heads together

Crowe smiled and pulled you into a hug. "How lucky I am that our stars crossed. Being your... best friend is the greatest fate the universe can grant me." His voice slightly faltered when he said those two words to describe what the both of you had at the moment: "best friend."

He settled his head on your shoulder again. "Speaking of friends, how do you feel about our friend group? If anything ever feels off… I’m right here."

He was referring to the four knuckleheads that somehow lifted your spirits up: Deryl, Geo, Brittney, and Jess. These past few months with them were the cherry on top in your chaotic college world. Brittney's dashing mindset, Jess's gentleness, Deryl's absurd obsession with Brit's sandwiches, and Geo's quiet yet attentive presence... A day with them is a guaranteed smile on your face.

And Crowe? Well, he was the whole galaxy.

You shut your laptop screen to fully face him. "I adore them all so much! They are incredible in their own ways. And, I wish... Society can see how amazing we are regardless of our state and more on recognizing who we are."

Crowe mumbled something you couldn't comprehend before gripping your arm a little tighter. "Maybe others don’t see it, but I certainly do. In my eyes, you are my brightest star ever." He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on your forehead.

"For the sake of lady physics, you're going to kill me, Jericho." You lightly smacked his head but proceeded to pat it afterwards. "You're too... Tender."

"Hm?” He tilted his head, fingers twirling the strands of your hair. "Is it a bad thing?"

"It might be,” you murmured. “If you keep doing that, you’re responsible for me." Before a second could even pass, Crowe leaned in further, bracing his arms on the table — effectively caging you in between. His damn smirk was as mischievous as ever.

"Maybe... That was my secret agenda all along."

[luvseraphh]

could you do bakugo, kirishima, todoroki and or midoriya x reader with a physical disability? i have one and i’m just curious about your idea of how they would deal with that. i have to use fore-arm crutches and a wheelchair for long distance/if i would have to be on my feet. i don’t see many or any at all of a physically disabled reader lol.

thank youuu 🫶🫶

physical disability k. bakugo, e. kirishima, s. todoroki, i. midoriya

Thank you for the request! I tried to keep it as broad as possible so it could apply to many people but I did make sure to include mobility aid use!

katsuki

Grumbles while pushing your wheelchair for you

If you ever push yourself he gets PISSED

Like more than you should

Hates when he goes places that aren't accessible for you...

Like if you see a restaurant online that claims to be accessible but then you get there and there's no easy way to get inside and there's a very limited amount of tables that are actually accessible?

You better believe he is writing a seething review when you guys get home

He might make you leave and take you to a better restaurant tbh

eijiro

Like I've said before... THIS MAN LOVES PUSHING YOUR WHEELCHAIR!! (Only if you want him to though! He respects boundaries!)

He's skipping behind you as he wheels you around a park or wherever you want to go <3

And he holds all your bags if you let him!

Whether big or small or whatever kind of bag it is, he's offering to hold it

Comes with you to all your doctor's appointments if you feel like you need company/another person there with you <3

shoto

He listens intently whenever you tell him ways to help you out

Practically has the notebook and pen out

Doesn't want to make you upset

He has a tendency of being blunt so he might say a few things that seem offensive...

But he just hasn't really learned correct terminology or social norms because of his dad

He never means any harm

izuku

The second he likes you he's already 48 hours deep into research about physical disabilities

Buys you cute little charms to put on your wheelchair <3

Off topic but I love customizing my mobility aids

If you ever asked him to push your wheelchair he would be so nervous at first

He just thinks it's so intimate and doesn't want to mess it up

He's so cute <3

Taglist - @justmylvr @lwcedribbons @im0nsaturn @dvartefox @failurewater @f0reverfaded @t0asty1 @iv-vee @mp3nai @straows @grenadehearts @hecate-frenchfries

ⓒ luvseraph

[hangryyell]

Sweet Treats Sweet Prizes

Trigger warnings: Unprotected piv, creampies, choking, bush, virginOC, missionary

Word count: 7,465

(Author’s note: This started all because I started the second season! So if you haven’t watched the first episode of season 2 this is kind of a spoiler! Viewer discretion is advised! Also I’m writing this as if the problems don’t really exist cause I just want a happy family of Joel and Eillie, sue me lol. Enjoy my horny ramblings as a fat woman it just makes my mouth water thinking Joel doesn’t really have a type and treats all bodies like bodies. This is for the big men and women out there!)

It was Gail’s birthday and your scheduled appointment. You walk up the stairs to her house with a plate of cookies, and go to open the door and it opened first. Out stepped Joel Miller, the pretty texan man that arrived in Jackson five years ago, the one you’ve been crushing on for three of those five years. It was hard not to, he was rough around the edges, who wasn’t during an apocalypse like this, he was kind regardless of the rumors you’ve heard about him. The way he loved Ellie, put her first before him made sure she had everything she could to live a good life here.

“Joel, hello.” you greet him, his hazel eyes dart up to you and then the plate of cookies before going back. He grumbled a soft hello.

“You are welcome to some, I don’t think Gail will notice.” you tell him with a smile, plate held out to him. Like a scared deer he takes some cookies and gives a nod.

“Thank ya’.” he bites into one and closes his eyes at the taste. “Thank you.” he repeates, mouth full of chocolate chip cookie. You chuckle at his reaction.

“Of course, save some for Ellie if you can.” you try and remind him. Joel gave another nod and then made his way back home.

Your session with Gail went smooth, the “normal” talk about being a bigger woman, having insecurities when getting close to those you find attractive.

“You have got to step out of your comfort zone, push the envelope. You never know who out there will treat you like a normal person.” Gail explained. You chew your bottom lip at that, it’s just easier to not be intimate with anyone, keep them at bay and just stay friends.

“I-I don’t know.” you say softly, hands clasped together in your lap. Gail stares at you, long and hard getting her point across.

“You’re grown I can’t make you do anything. It could be fun though. Should try it.” she pushed a little, voice softer than before. Being burned so many times, just seen as a hole and not a person is what’s kept you from even trying to date in Jackson. Yet one set of eyes always catches yours, hazel, stern, cradled in crows feet.

“Okay, maybe. I’ll get someone a drink at the party this weekend.” you tell her, feeling your hair touch the back of your neck making you shudder.

“There we go, that sounds like a good plan. Bring some of your sweets, theres a small murmur about them throughout Jackson.” Gail said.

You shake your head, “my sweets are for those that are worthy. I’m not baking just for anyone.”

“Me, Joel, Ellie, Tommy and Maria? We’re the worthy ones?” Gail counters.

You open your mouth to say something and then close it, heat burning your cheeks. She was right, Tommy and Maria always have you bake their cakes for their birthdays, for Benjamin's birthday. And Joel...Joel you've been pumping full of sweets for as long as you can remember.

"Fine, fine, fiiine. I'll bring Danishes." you huff at her. Hands unclasping to let the heel of your hand dig into your plump thighs. "Good, good." Gail's timer went off at that exact moment. "Well, our time is done, I'll see you next week." "Enjoy your cookies and have a happy birthday." you get up off the couch and give her a half smile and leave. Still a lot to think about, even though this has been a topic you've been going over with her for weeks almost months at this point. Gail's door closes behind you and off you go back to your house. It was still early, you quickly make a list for things to get to bake for the party this weekend. "Get out of my comfort zone. They call it a comfort zone for a reason. It's comfortable." you mumble to yourself as you look around your quiet living room. You rub your face, sighing, "fine. FINE!" You grab your house keys and leave, locking the door behind you.

You just let your feet take you where you want to go without thinking about it before you chickened out. I can do it. I can do this. I've killed infected! Been taken hostage and this is the scariest thing I can think of? You think to yourself as your pushing open the door to the bar.

There wasn't many people there. Oh thank god. You spot a couple of people probably just getting home from patrol, understandable to want a strong drink. Your eyes land on someone off in the corner, you'd traced those shoulders with your eyes a thousand times, the salt and pepper hair, glasses and a newspaper. Joel. "There goes the comfort zone." you mumble to yourself as you make your way to the bar. Feeling eyes on you made your eyes stick to the floor or right ahead. You were wearing jeans, boots and a thick sweater, being around town you tended to keep the jacket for when you're out of Jackson. Even in the winter you overheated easily. Ordering yourself a drink and take a spot at one end of the bar. It was tough to try and keep your eyes to yourself when you could see him from here. Stop being a creep and go over and talk. You thought. Finishing your first drink you order a second and drink about half of it before getting one for Joel. Taking both cups, you walk over. "I-I thought you could use another drink from a pretty lady." came from your mouth as you set his down in front of him and slid into the chair on the other side of his table.

Joel looks up from the newspaper he's reading, glasses on the tip of his nose. "Pretty woman you are yes. A second drink though? I don't know." he gave you a half smile and a quick wink before taking his glasses off. Heat filled your cheeks at that wink. Oh will you calm down, it wasn't anything crazy!

"Oh come on, are you driving?" you teased as you sipped your second drink slower than before. "Did you save some for Ellie? You did take three cookies." Joel looked down into the new cup you brought him to dodge the question.

"Girl like her don't need sugar." he countered. You couldn't help but chuckle at that.

"Guess I'm just gonna have to make some for just her." you threaten lightly.

Joel met your eyes this time, "oh you don't hav'ta do that. I'm sure there will be plenty for her to share."

You laugh at that response and nod. "Alright, you've pulled my arm, I'll make a batch for the both of you to share. Okay Joel? Sharing." the elder made a face at having to share and nodded nonetheless.

He mumbled, "I guess."

You stare down into your cup. Come on, just say it! Just ask! Worst he could do is say no. Just ask. You take a deep breath. "Look, yes I came to bring you a drink, cause I'm sure in some compacity you need it, or want to enjoy a quiet night. I have ulterior motives with my bringing it to you." you start. When you finally look up from your cup Joel is staring intently.

"More than okay to say no, my feelings will be hurt and that's my own probl-"

He cuts you off, "I'm old baby, get to the point before I expire." Heat warms your cheeks once more at just him calling you baby. Will you grow up! It's just a playful nickname he calls every younger woman!

"Yeah, right, right. So I want to get out of my comfort zone and be intimate with someone and you are the first, well only person that came to mind. And completely fine if you don't want to, I get it. Me being a fat girl, it's tou-"

Joel scoffs cutting you off, "that's a stupid excuse to tell ya no. I'm a grown man, bigger gal means I can just use you harder."

Every thought you had left your brain, your mouth closed as it watered at his words. You take a couple more sips from your drink, stomach rolling as what Joel said continued to replay in your head over and over.

"You alright?" Joel asked, waving a hand towards you to get your attention back.

"Y-y-yeah, yeah I'm fine..." you start and then shake your head. "No, I'm not alright, you didn't have to word it that way." your cheeks feel like you could cook an egg on them.

Joel huffed a laugh. "It's true, no need to beat around the bush. Now go ahead, get to yer point."

You lick your lips. "In short you are the first that comes to mind when the thought of sleeping with someone." you finish off your drink after that. "I would very much like to sleep with you Mr. Miller."

Hazel eyes just stare at you as he takes in your words; leans back in his chair. "Me?" was what was asked next.

"Yes you Joel."

"Me? Why me?" he questions more. He didn't sound disgusted, just really very confused.

Chewing your bottom as you literally couldn't even think of a lie what was the point? "Honestly? You're a smart, funny, attractive man, the relationship you and Ellie have." you start. "In short I have a crush on you, everyone but you knows, so yeah."

There wasn't anything left in your cup, so you resulted to putting your hands in your lap, wringing your fingers one by one. One of your legs shaking as you just waited for an answer.

"Me?" he still sounded confused. "A crush? For how long? And what do you mean everyone else knows but me?" there it is.

You look down at your lap as if you'd been scolded. "Three or so years." you trail off quietly.

Joel runs fingers through his hair and takes you in. A smile spreads across his face as he chuckles. Great now I'm being laughed at. Fuck you Gail and your fucking getting out of your comfort zone.

"I am very dense." came from Joel. "Ellie, she told me I'm dense when it comes to things like this." he chuckled again.

"I could of also said something, so it's on both ends." you try and counter.

"Yeah, but the food should have been my clue though. Breads, cakes, cookies, turnovers, left over soup, stews." he listed.

“I bake for others.” you try and counter and Joel shook his head.

“No the girl told me about you having a crush on me, I just took it as you being nice. Feeding us.” the elder explained. “I’m old baby, like maybe ten years tops. You really want a piece of me?”

“I think old age would be too peaceful for you Joel.” you tease. The texan huffed a laugh at that and nodded. “But yeah, yeah I definitely want a piece of you. It doesn’t have to be a full blown relationship, bu-“

Joel cuts you off again, “but you’d love for me to write my name inside ya huh?” he picked his cup up and drank, letting his question stew.

You shook your head. “Joel Miller. Where is all this language coming from?” the question is out of your mouth before you can even stop it. You liked it, of course you did.

The brunet laughed a little harder than before. "Just like to see you speechless, another clue that should of tipped me off." he countered.

“You can have me darlin’, we’ll just go with the flow.” cup in hand Joel finished the rest of his drink.

“Alright.” was all you said, really wanting another drink or just something to do with your hands. You look down at the table with empty cups. “Uh, could I put a rush on that delivery?” you ask. Joel gives you a smirk and nods.

“Oh you weren’t going home tonight after telling me that.” the brunet explained. Your stomach filled with liquid heat and you couldn’t help but squeeze your thighs together. Now noticing how wet you were. Your cheeks back to burning again.

“Good actually.” you try and get the courage up to say anything remotely as lewd as Joel. Your brain was already short circuiting from this whole interaction.

"I'll take the cups up then and we can get out of here." you stack the cups and bring them back up to the bar.

"Thank you. I'll be back this weekend for the party." you tell Seth.

"Z? Coming to a shindig at the Tipsy Bison? Very rare." Seth teased.

"Yeah, well I'm trying to be better at socializing." you shrug. "Have a good night." you turn to head back to the table you and Joel had shared and found he wasn't there anymore. You looked over to the coat rack, catching Joel pulling on his jacket.

"Are you coming for the thing this weekend?" came the question as you opened the door and followed Joel out of the Bison.

"Maybe, probably to just drop Ellie off and grab myself a plate of food." the elder shrugged about it. "Oh I forgot to ask m-"

"We can go to yours." you cut him off. "Don't want to make you have to head from the other side of town. Old bones in the cold and all." you toss in to tease him.

Joel scoffed at that, "I may be old, I ain't that damn old."

You followed Joel back to his house; you've made this trail a lot over the years. The reality of the situation actually clicking now, you start to play with your fingers as you walk into Joel's open door. He closed the door behind the two of you. "Take your shoes off, make yourself at home." came from the elder as he hung his jacket up.

"Alright." you say softly, kicking your boots off, dropping off in about an inch and a half in height. "I should mention...I," you start, chewing your bottom lip. Joel looks at you, gesturing towards the stairs of his house, large hand on the small of your back. Your skin grew hot under his palm, stomach in your throat.

"Take your time." came the soft reply as you both climbed the stairs. He leads you to his room, the bed unmade, a thick book about space on one of his bedside tables. The way his hand traveled along your spine made you shudder, goosebumps rose under your shirt.

"I’ma virgin." you spit out, coasting further into his room. Unfortunately putting more distance between you.

Joel watched you leave his side and walk away from him. A soft chuckle came from him. "How old are you darlin'?" he questioned, hands settling on his hips to look at you.

"I'm thirty five this fall." you reply, chewing your bottom lip. "I've read enough books to know what I'm kind of doing, I mean there's enough DVDs at the library if I'm being honest. I’m also real good at direction..." you ramble. You didn't notice Joel moved closer, reaching to take your hands that you had been playing with the whole time as you spoke.

"You're alright Zuri. We’ll take it slow, at any point you need me to stop I’ll stop.” Joel explains softly. “And if yer into me not stopping when you say, well, we can get into that next time.” the elder chuckled.

Your brain short circuited from that last sentence, heat filling your stomach again just thinking about that. “Next time?” you say.

Joel looked at you, still smiling. “Darlin’ I’m simple. You have kept me fed and showered with treats. I’ve been smitten too.” came his reply. “You think one time gonna be enough?”

You open your mouth and then close it, shaking your head in agreement. "No, no I don't think one time would be enough." came the quiet reply.

"We can go slow, sum kissin', touching where you're comfortable. You tell me when it's okay to continue." Joel outlined, still letting his thumbs run along the back of your hands. He was warm, the heat coming off him made it feel that all the ice you've kept up was slowly thawing.

"Now 'fore you try and tell me how I should be feelin' about this, I wanna kiss you." the elder gently teased, pulling you closer. His large hands settled on your hips and moved nowhere else.

"When I tell you I've been thinking about that for so long." you laugh, leaning forward to press your lips to his, hands cupping the sides of his face. The feel of his facial hair against your palm helped to know this was actually real. You open your mouth to him, Joel wastes no time in claiming you, tongues dancing, teeth sinking into your bottom lip when you try to pull away for air. God, he tastes just how I thought. Coffee, whiskey, and my cookies. You think to yourself as the kiss turns desperate the longer it continues, soft hums and groans coming from the elder had your stomach churning.

One of your hands move up into his hair, gently gripping at the nape of his neck. You pull away for air fully this time, your bottom lip swollen, your heart hammering, your underwear absolutely soaked. "This okay?" came the question from Joel as one of his hands on your hips moves, sliding up along your side to rest on your back. It almost made you want to pull away, having someone close to your rolls always made you uncomfortable. It being Joel, him asking just made you melt a little. You nod and press yourself closer to him.

"Good. How about this?" his other hand is moving before he finishes and that warm hand cups one of your plump cheeks, squeezing and helping you fit closer to him. It sends a shiver through you straight to your cunt.

"Y-yeah, that's fine." you tell him in a soft voice. Joel leans forward to kiss you again, a soft hum coming from him as he explores your mouth once more. The elder pulls from the kiss this time, lips make a trail along your cheek, jaw and down to your throat. The scratch of his facial hair made you squirm with a soft giggle; it tickled and also lit a fire.

You stare behind Joel as he's nuzzling into your skin, the scraping of his beard just continued to send a thrill through you. His teeth lightly nipping the skin, sometimes sucking a mark into you. Your neck was your weak spot and gods did Joel hit every mark. "F-fuck." you pant quietly against his shoulder, tugging his hair.

After switching to the other side of your neck he marked that one. A muffled moan escaping your mouth as you pressed into his shoulder to keep quiet. "I wanna hear everythin' you gots to say." Joel rasped in your ear, breath ghosting along your neck. When the brunet finally pulled from your neck you could still feel his teeth and tongue.

You lick your lips and just stare at his mouth. "You okay to keep going?" came the question.

"Yes please." you hum, nodding your head along with your answer. "I'm so fucking wet." your eyes dart up to his this time.

Joel's chuckling next, "good to hear."

You let your hands smooth along his shoulders and down his chest before they're settled at your sides again. "How do you want me cowboy?" you ask with a little smile, now the nerves kicking back in. Joel reached for you, gently tugging the hem of your sweater. "Yeah, that would be helpful." you agree, pulling the sweater up over your head and letting it pile on the floor. The shirt you had on was a crop top, your nipples were hard pressing through the fabric. Your stomach rolled over the top of the jeans you were wearing, stretch marks on display. The want to try and cover up; now that the pullover was gone was so damn strong.

Joel gave you a little smile, reaching to take his own shirt off it met the same fate as your first layer. He had a couple more layers than you did, he had you help him with some of them. The final one you bit the bullet, running your hands up under the fabric feeling hot skin dusted with hair; you were sure salt and pepper just like the hair on his head. You pushed the garment off and found the answer to your question.

The palms of your hands smoothed over his chest and arms, you could feel the muscle, you'd seen this man take on a couple of infected alone; regardless of the old age he complains so much about. Joel's hands went to your hips again, pulling you closer, letting his hands wander along your back, your ass, tease under your crop top. The callous feel of his hands on you had goosebumps rising on any ounce of skin that was exposed to the air.

"Let's get rid of these." came from Joel, reaching to remove his jeans. You watched and then did the same, undoing the button and pushing the zipper down. Your jeans hugged every inch of you, pushing them down to your ankles and stepping out of them. Under you wore a pair of boyshorts, they also hugged you in all the right places. You squeezed your thighs together, thoughts of how many different ways this could go. Cheeks heating as embarrassment also flooded your brain. You chewed your bottom lip as you took a deep breath and just pulled the crop top up and over.

Joel looked you over and gave you a smile. "My, can't wait to see what you taste like." he drawled. You blushed at that, the way his words felt like hands along your body. The elder took your hand and led you on over to his bed. You turned the tables on him and pushed him onto the bed. Joel smirked up at you, he was hard and already staining his boxers. You squat in front of him between his legs, hands gliding along his legs, up his thighs. You catch how his muscles tense as you touch him.

Seeing him standing at attention like that had your mouth watering. This wouldn’t be your first time doing this, you were pretty good you’d say so yourself. You wrap a hand around Joel, he jumped in your hand, he was thick and hot and throbbing. Leaning down to let your tongue lick him through his boxers, right where he’s made a mess of himself. He’s musky, almost earthy to you in his taste. A soft groan comes from him, his hands fisting the sheets on his bed to keep them to himself.

Joel shuddered, “Should take these off baby.” You look up at him, those pretty hazel eyes dark with want, his lips swollen from all the kissing you did. Letting his length go you take off his boxers and see him spring to action.

“Oh.” You gasp softly, seeing him now he’s big. You reach to take hold of him again, he jumps once more. He’s smooth in your hand, you can touch your fingers around, tip of your middle finger to the underside of the tip of your thumb. You lean forward, nipples catching the dusting of hair along his thighs it rose goosebumps on your skin. Joel reached forward to take one of them in his hands, rolling your nipple between his index finger and thumb. You hum at the feel of those callous fingers abusing the nub. Licking your lips you lick up the elder’s shaft, loving the feel of him, you suck and lick until you can get the tip into your mouth. Swirling the muscle around him, feeling him gush in your mouth. You close your eyes and enjoy this, taking more of him, the weight of him on your tongue is everything to you.

A groan from the brunet above you. “Fuck baby.” Joel watched intently, your free hand coming to cup his balls as you took more of him into your mouth. His free hand came around to help keep your hair out of the way. You started to finally bob your head, tongue teasing the underside of his shaft. You kept your eyes on him as you took more of him into your mouth, gagging and coughing, slurping and moaning. He spread his legs wider and you got closer, closing your eyes now to savor this. Moaning around him had the elder cursing under his breath.

“You keep up like that and I ain’t gonna last long to be inside ya.” came from Joel, he was breathing hard, his cheeks were red. You finally pull off, licking your lips and seeing how sloppy and wet he was now. You were soaking wet, if you didn’t have your underwear on your juices would be making a mess of your thighs by now.

Joel patted the bed. “Come on up, it’s your turn to be tasted.” your stomach rolled at that, chewing your bottom lip you get to your feet. The elder hums softly looking you over again, he leans forward to kiss along your stomach, large hands fondle your thighs and sides. Then he’s taking one of your nipples into his mouth. You card fingers through his hair, earning a moan from him, he sucked harder and added some pressure with his teeth.

“O-oh fuck.” you pant, leaning into him. His hands coming up to cup your ass and press you closer. He switches nipples and abuses the other one, lightly raking your nails along his scalp has him working harder and biting hard on this nub. “J-just like that.” you whimper. Those calloused hands continue to touch and grope your thighs like he wanted you to sit on him. Just from the way he was holding you could feel his strength, that he could possibly be able to take your weight. Joel pulled from your breast and started to kiss along the valley between them, hands coming up to cup your breasts and tease both nubs at the same time now.

“J-Joel please.” you whine, squeezing your thighs together. You felt so damn empty and so fucking wet. He looks up at you and nods, pulling away and letting you get on the bed. He had you lay with your head on his pillows, large hands roamed along your calfs, lips kiss and nip skin as they go higher along your limbs. You can’t help but squirm, it still felt weird to have someone touching you like this. Joel spread your legs slowly when he needed room, callous finger tips brushed your inner thighs, lips kissed your fupa.

“It’s alright.” came the soft words from Joel. “I’ll talk you through this part. I’m gonna be a tease and play with you through your underwear.” He spread your legs wider, not being able to help himself from pressing his face into one of your inner thighs, kissing, gently biting. All of it went straight to your cunt, your hands stood at your sides, grabbing the sheets under you to have something to do with your hands.

You stutter, “D-do you want me to do anything?”

Joel shook his head. “Nope, just sit back and enjoy, if ya want me ta stop I will.” you nod your head and just look down and watch him. Your stomach rolled with nerves. It’s okay, we’ve gotten this far, he hasn’t done or said anything to make you uncomfortable, we got this. You thought to yourself as you watched. Joel switches thighs and does the same thing, you want to squeeze your thighs together so bad. Just seeing his board shoulders between your legs has you throbbing like never before.

“Alright, I’m gonna start usin’ my hands and mouth okay?” the brunet looked up at you, arms curling the underside of your thighs to hold you open for him. His fingers dug into the tops of your thighs, another show of strength you felt if you tried to move you wouldn’t be able to. That made your cunt throb, god you never thought you’d be into something like that.

You whine, squirming in his hold. “Joel please.” those hazel eyes crinkled, cradled by more crows feet as he chuckled softly. He bent and lightly licked you through your underwear, the feel of that heat had you gasping softly. Your legs tried to close around him, his hold held fast and that just made you squirm even more.

"Fuckin' soakin'. This all for me?" he questioned. You watched his eyes dart down to see the mess you were making in your underwear. This man was going to be the death of you, you knew it. You let go of the sheets you had been gripping since you got into this position. Joel continued to tease you with his tongue, his nose brushing your clit through the fabric. The feel of electricity that went through you, you could see his eyes look up at you when he heard an intake of breath. He did it again, this time pointing his tongue to abuse that bundle of nerves. The way your legs threatened to close very time, the curses falling from your mouth, one of your hands reaching to grab one of Joel's wrists. The other hand taking hold of the sheets once more. Your legs shook in his grip, wanting so bad to close around his head. He stroked your folds through the damp fabric, not letting up no matter how much you tried to move away from him he followed.

"Where you goin'?" he started, "Show's 'bout to start." his voice ran over your body in a wave then went straight to your core. Joel pulled away, letting your legs go. "Keep those open." the elder ordered, just as you were about to try and hide. He stood on his knees before you. He helped you pull your underwear down and tossed them to the floor like the rest of your clothes.

Joel got back into position, this time lifting one of your legs to go over his shoulder. Your instinct was to try and pull away cause of course your leg was definitely too heavy for him. "Ah, no. I'm a big boy, I can take it." he told you. What the fuck? Can he read my mind?

The elder chuckled, "Your face kinda gets this look like you're scared." He kissed along your stomach, hands soothing over skin on your thighs, your hips and stomach as well. It made you shiver at the feel of those rough hands touching you. He settled back between your legs, the leg not over his shoulder is kind of pushed to the side to open you up a little. You chew your bottom lip, the last time you got this far you having not shaved was an issue. Nothing from Joel yet, you were waiting for it.

"Yer fine princess, trust me. Ain’t no bush hurt anyone."

You finally let your bottom lip go, eyes darting down to the man between your legs. Joel didn't wait for an answer, he spread your folds open and you felt the first swipe of the flat of his tongue. The contrast between your pubic hair and his facial hair had your stomach doing summer salts. He didn't stop, tongue swirling around that bundle of nerves this time before he puckered his lips and sucked.

"O-oh!" came the quiet gasp from you. You watched as Joel didn't come up for air, the feel of his nose taking up the mantel for his tongue. "F-fuck." you curse, hips trying to press into his face more. Joel took that sign to press himself closer, hands slipping between your ass and bed cupping your cheeks to hold you there so there was no space between the two of you. The hand that had been gripping the sheets came around and ran through his hair, a groan came from him. You watched as he rutted into the bed as he continued to please you.

Your stomach tightened, mouth falling open as his tongue started to dart into and swirl around where you wanted him the most right now. Fingers tightening your grip in his hair had him doubling his efforts now, the sounds of him groaning and slurping whatever juices he brought to the surface. Your legs shook as he continued to devour you slowly, he took his time. Toes curling, arching into his mouth, soft moans and curses falling from your lips. That first orgasm hit you slow and hard.

"Fuuck Joel!" you sobbed, he held you as you shook apart right in front of him. Legs finally able to close around him, rutting against his face. Nails sank into his shoulder, marking him. You either wanted him closer for more, or to push him away from too much. You just wanted him inside you now for the love of God. The elder finally came up for air, beard covered in your juices, panting and licking his lips.

"That was appetizers baby. You're gettin' the main course soon. It makes it a little easier, won't hurt too much." he explained. Joel wiped his face and got to his knees once more, he took you in. He bent and kissed up your stomach and along your breasts before meeting your lips. You kissed him back lazily, your body felt like jello, small after shocks went through. When Joel pulled away from the kiss you stared up at him, catching your breath.

“Mr. Miller I need you inside right fucking now.”

The elder chuckled, “Alright, alright. It’s gonna be a little uncomfortable.”

“I don’t care, I want to be filled.” you demand.

Joel gives you a smile at that, “Yes ma’am.”

The elder moves towards you, one of your legs pressed against him, he kisses your ankle. Joel takes your other leg and looks at you. “I need you to hold this one for me baby.”

“Okay,” came your answer as you wrapped your arm around your leg and brought it towards your chest.

Joel praised you, “Jus like that, very good.”

“Fuck look at you. Making a mess of my sheets.” he licks his lips as he just stares. He takes cock in hand and gently slides himself through your folds. A groan came from him at how wet and hot you feel. You moan as the tip of him brushes your clit, nails sinking into the underside of the thigh you were holding.

“P-please, please Joel.” you whine, staring up into his face pleading. “Fuck me, write your name inside me like you said.” you bite your bottom lip as your cunt throbs empty and neglected.

The brunet meets your gaze, nodding as he gently slaps your folds with his length a couple of times. The sound of how wet and ready you were had you squirming under him again. He hits your clit and your eyes are darting back down between you. You wanted to watch him disappear inside you.

“Please, want you so bad. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me please.” you beg. Your free hand slides between you and you take hold of his cock, pushing his hand out of the way. You rub him against you some more before the tip of his dick was catching on your hole.

“Right here please Joel?” you ask eyes meeting his face again. The elder groans at the feel of you and nods.

“Alright baby, I gotta go slow though. Going in all at once is gonna hurt.” his voice is husky, you can feel him throbbing in your hand. The leg pressed against him he pushes it back towards you by the back of your knee. He does this with the other, you feel him probing your entrance.

You didn’t hear a damn thing that man said all you were focused on was your core. He took the leg you were holding and did the same. You reached with your free hand now and spread your slick folds for him. “Right here, want you so deep I can taste you please.” you desperately ramble.

Joel groans as he watches you spread yourself for him. “Fuck baby. Want me so bad.” he groaned. He slowly started to feed you inch by inch. Your mouth fell open at the stretch, it was uncomfortable yeah, but after what felt like hours being empty it was perfect,

“Yesss.” you hiss, nodding. “D-don’t stop I want it all.” You reach for his hips to pull him closer, feeling more of him sink into you. The sharp pain was nothing compared to any other pain you've gotten, shot, stabbed, this added to the pleasure of being filled.

“Jesus christ Zuri.” he groans as he finally bottoms out and his hips are pressed to you. You moan as your filled completely, your hands run along his sides and up his chest. You couldn’t breathe it was so much and still felt like not enough. Joel pulled out a little then thrust back in. A moan falls from your lips. He does it again then again.

“Shit princess pussy grippin’ me so tight.” he pants watching himself disappear inside you. The sound of how soaked this man had you was music to your ears; you bit your bottom lip to keep quiet eyes fluttering close as you just enjoy the feel of him.

“Ah, I wanna hear you.” his hips stop moving and you whine. Your eyes open and you meet that heated gaze. “I don’t want you quiet.”

“O-okay, okay. I won’t be quiet please.” your eyes are locked on where you two were connected. Joel turned his head and kissed your calf as he started up another slow pace. You nodded watching him slide in and out of you. More curses and moans fell from your lips, soft breaths of his name. Just like before with his mouth he was taking his sweet ass time. Your hands roamed along his stomach and chest, nails gently raking his sides. The elder hissed at that, pressing his hips into you, trying to get himself as deep as possible. You nod, licking your lips as you stare up at him. Joel moans as he slides out, letting one of your legs go to settle on the bed. Your eyes dart back down between you and shake your head, reaching for his hips.

"No, where you goin'?" you question huskily, eyes meeting his again. The elder takes hold of his cock and slaps your folds again. A whimper leaves you, one of your hands reaching down to circle your clit with your index and middle finger as he teased you.

"Baby girl 'M 'bout damn near close to cummin'," he explained. Large hands glided along your body as he continued to rut against you. The slick slide of him between your folds drove you absolutely crazy.

You shake your head. "What happened to using me harder?' you asked. His hazel eyes met yours when you asked that.

"Fuck me into the bed Mr. Miller, wanna feel you long after you're done with me." you express. Something in his eyes told you he took that challenge. You reached for his arms and pulled him closer to wrap your arms around his neck; lips trailed a line along his throat, you kissed the skin there.

"Gonna be the death of me sweetheart." he panted against your shoulder. He pulled away just enough to kiss you, exploring your mouth once more. You reach between the two of you and line his cock up with your pussy. Joel slides back in and groans into your mouth. He pulled for air and to watch again as he sank into you over and over.

You sob, "Yes, harder. Fuck me harder Joel."

The brunet’s pace was slow deliberate, he slipped one of his arms under one of your legs to open you up a little more. The sound of your juices making both of you a mess, the feel of his balls teasing your puckered hole with every thrust. You moaned as he filled you again and again, hands settling on his biceps to hold on, to have something to do with your hands.

“H-harder please,” you whine staring up into his face. Joel nodded and started to ramp up his thrusts, soon he was pounding you into his bed. “Y-yes, yes, yes, yes.” you chant, nails sinking into his skin, your head nodding along. The leg that wasn’t being manipulated by Joel you wrapped around him wanting him closer if that were possible. The sound of Joel groaning into your breasts, the squelching from your weeping cunt as he pummeled your insides with his cock.

“Don’t stop, please so close, so close Joel.” you pant. You babbled to him, moaning loudly as he bit into one of your breasts. The elder sat up a little, hips never wavering. Hazel eyes taking in the mess between you two.

“Fuck baby, pussy makin’ a mess of me.” he licked his lips.

“I’ma try sum sweetheart let me know if you want me to stop.” came from Joel, he was panting. You nod starting up at him just whispering don’t stop. One of his hands came up and wrapped around your throat, he groaned as your cunt squeezed him at that. Your heart hammered in your chest at the feel of his large warm hand holding you by the neck.

“T-tighter,” you whimper, hand coming to grab his wrist. “Please.”

Joel tightens his hold. Your stomach rolls with want, you were so close. You close your eyes with your blood flow being hindered and him drilling into you. Finally that cord snapped and you came with a shout, nails digging into Joel’s wrist and bicep. He lets go of your leg and throat, you continue to babble his name. The elder cursed and kept going now chasing his own high.

“D-don’t you dare pull out.” you rasp looking up at him. His resolve was crumbling in front of you, he bent and kissed you quiet as his hips stilled and he filled you with a groan. Your legs tightened around him holding the texan to you, your arms going around his neck. When he pulled from the kiss he was panting, catching his breath.

“Holy shit.” came from the brunet as he laid on top, his full weight sinking into you.

“Holy shit is right,” you slur eyes still closed as your heart beat returns to normal. Hands roamed along his shoulders and back as you two laid there in the aftermath.

“I am so sorry for your sheets.” you apologize.

“Shut up.” Joel huffed a laugh. “Means you enjoyed yaself I’m not complaining.”

It was quiet for a little the room cooled, sweat dried on the both of you. Joel had closed his eyes and listened to your heart beat.

“Joel?! JOEL IS EVERYTHING OKAY?!” came from across the room. The elder jumped a little hearing his name being called. He wiped his face and sat up.

“No, don’t get up yet.” you whine, letting your hands drop to your stomach, legs falling open as he pulled out with a hiss. He went to the dresser where you can see a walkie talkie on it.

“Ellie, everything is fine.”

“I heard screaming, you sure everything’s fine?” came her reply. Your cheeks warmed from embarrassment at her words. You were so loud! Ellie fucking heard from the garage.

“Everything is fine. Just have a lady friend over.” Joel explained, shaking his head.

It was silent for a couple of seconds. “Oh…I’ll play a record then bye!”

Joel chuckled and turned the walkie off, stretching bones popping and a groan coming from the elder. You couldn’t move even if you tried to. Your legs felt like jello, your brain was still mush after that.

“You alright darlin’?” drawled the texan.

“Just a couple minutes,” you slur, turning onto your side cuddling into the pillow you were laying on. Joel watched as you got comfy a chuckle leaving him as he walked over.

“Take all the time ya need sweet.” he said letting his hand run along your thigh and pat your cheek. “Showers all yours when you need it.”

You yawn, “Thank you.” You nuzzle into his bed and end up falling asleep.

@munsonmondays @sincity60 @neverneedyeverlovelyjul @honey-flustered @perfectlytenacioushologram @staley83 @xo-maddie-xo @saucyplague7432

Criticism is loved:) enjoy!!

[bogkeep]

being in aroace education mode has me all fired up...... one thing i talk about a lot when given the opportunity is Deconstructing How We Think About Relationships - in short, if we put all of our relationships with other people into a pie chart the 'romantic partner' slice is likely to be a very small slice but gets a disproportionate amount of Relationship Infrastructure compared to other categories, such as vocabulary, rituals, attention and narrative scaffolding - entire systems such as dating / finding "the one" / break-ups / the relationship escalator, etc. on the flipside, 'friend' is such a vast category consisting of a plethora of different relationship, all ranging from Friendly Acquantaince to Extremely Close Childhood Friend You Share Everything With, but we have a lot less language and structure for how we think about these relationships even though many of them can be deeply important and intense to us.

the line between romance and friendship is really blurry, maybe even non-existent, but it feels like the way we think about these categories is that Romantic Partner is this one very specific, formalised box of a category, while Friend is a vast and vague landscape where anything can happen - and it's on this free real estate we have built structures like Queerplatonic Partner. the concept has probably existed since forever, along with many other different types of relationships throughout time and cultures, but it's our current attempt at having a Word for it.

are you with me so far? i want to write a blog post about Deconstructing Intimacy.

just putting a CW here that i'm going to say the word sex a lot and touch on the topic of sexual trauma.

one of the very thorny things about This Whole Topic is that sex and sexuality is extremely political. we just do not live in a world where there's any neutral ground to stand on regarding sex. every demographic comes with a lot of assumptions and expectations and moral judgement tied to sexuality. some demographics are desexualised, some are hypersexualised, some are Both At Once, and in addition to that there's lots of stigma, moralizing, pathologizing, and lawmaking. just a whole mess.

so all of That makes it kind of impossible to fully Dethrone Sex. and by dethroning sex i mean stripping it of the baggage it's accumulated in our cultures. Sex Is A Thing You Can Do With Your Body (And Your Mind?). this does not have to make it any less or more meaningful to you than what it already is. what each person considers intimate is very individual. many people find hugging completely inconsequential and will hug anyone at any time, and for some people a hug is A Lot. For some people, sex is a very fun and casual activity, and for others it's Sacred and carries a lot of meaning and a very close bond. sex is intimate - it requires trust and vulnerability.

it is not the only way to achieve trust and closeness, nor the only thing that requires it.

whenever i take the bus somewhere, i trust the bus driver to take me there safely. i put my literal life in a stranger's hands, but it's a very casual affair i don't think about too much. it's not an act of intimacy, just someone doing their job.

i think the way we talk about sexual assault as the evillest most horribly irredeemably worse-than-death thing, and sexual trauma as a unique kind of trauma amongst traumas, is... indicative. and please do not get me wrong, SA is a horrible thing in every way. it's a violation of trust, vulnerability and personal space. it's an abuse of power. those are the things that make it so horrific - but it's not unique.

an abuse of power, a violation of trust and vulnerability, can happen in so many different forms. emotional abuse, non-sexual violence, medical abuse, et cetera - i don't think it's possible to place trauma into a hierarchy from least to most bad. trauma can be incredibly complex and it's different for everyone. if one day the bus driver on a whim decided to drive off a cliff, i think that would severely fuck up my ability to trust other people to drive me around. if i trusted someone with my innermost thoughts that i have never shared with anyone else, and they used them to be cruel to me, that would severely impede my ability to connect with others.

i just... don't think it does anyone any favours to separate sexual trauma from all other trauma - making it seem like sexual trauma is The Worst Trauma Possible You Can Never Heal From, and on the flipside, make it seem like Well Your Non-Sexual Trauma Cannot Possibly Be That Bad.

TRAUMA TOPIC ASIDE, i think the concept of intimacy has a tendency to get flattened into just the one kind. there are many, Many ways for people to be intimate, many activities that require some form of mutual vulnerability or physical contact, but it seems like we're just very used to placing Acts of Intimacy into the Sexual category. kind of like a venn diagram where the two circles are Sexual Intimacy and Non-sexual Intimacy that are largely overlapping. but what if, instead, it's more that Intimacy is a really big circle, and sex is just one of the circles within it?

the way i think this slots into the whole Relationship Infrastructure thing is that We Like To Categorize Things. if we see two people being very intimate in a way that's not explicitly sexual, it's tempting to think ah yes they are in love AND they're having sex, OBVIOUSLY, because they are clearly capable of having that level of trust and vulnerability together. but what if they're not? does that devalue their relationship? does it make them any less close? these are very chewy questions to ask even without bringing shipping discourse into it, and i would prefer Not To because sexuality is political and there is no right answer.

another way this flattening can be frustrating is all the times non-sexual intimacy is treated as Sexual By Proxy. let's say, for example, you're telling a story, and all forms of intimacy within that story get read as metaphors for sex, despite your actual intentions. there's nothing wrong with using metaphors for sex, especially since Sex Is Political and sometimes we gotta be clever about the storytelling - but it can get very messy if people read sexuality between characters who don't have that, especially characters between which it would be very problematic to portray that. we gotta be able to tell stories about all kinds of close relationships, and surely it should be possible without bringing freud into it at every turn.

intimacy is context-dependent, i would say. a moment of vulnerability can be platonic or romantic or sexual or maybe something else depending on a situation and all the factors involved. human connection is an boundless spectrum, not just a couple boxes.

did any of this make sense? they're just my Thoughts, i'm not a scholar on this i just

[novlr]

I want to write poetry but I have no idea where to start. Any tips?

Poetry is experiencing a massive resurgence. With the rise of social media, poets are becoming the literary heroes of the Instagram feed as more and more people recognise the therapeutic value of poetry and turning their own thoughts to the page.

Maybe you’ve thought about writing poetry but haven’t been sure where to begin. Not to worry —  we’ll guide you through everything you need to know, so that you’ll be writing great poetry in no time. 

Before writing

Learning the art of writing poetry starts before you even pick up the pen. Here are some preliminary steps to take before you write a great poem. 

Read widely

The best thing you can do as a new poet is read the kind of poetry you want to write. Not only will this give you a sense of what other poets are doing well, but it will also help train your inner ear for the sounds and cadences of poetry. It’s a bit like learning a new language; you’ll absorb it best by immersion. 

Learn the basic poetic terms

You don’t need an MFA to write poetry, but it will help if you learn some basic terminology like stanza, line break, enjambment, caesura, metre, and so forth. Being able to put a name to these moving parts will help you make more conscious decisions as you write and heighten your awareness of these choices.  

Study rhyme, rhythm, and metre

Likewise, it will help if you develop an awareness of the way a line of poetry is put together. You don’t necessarily need to worry about technical terms like trimeter and trochee just yet, but try to focus on where the voice rises and falls throughout a poem. 

One of the most popular metres of poetry is called iambic, which is a pattern of unstressed syllables and stressed syllables: “’Tis now the very witching time of night”. This undulation makes the poem soothing to the ear. 

Once you see patterns in the way writers structure their poems, you can choose how to bring these patterns into the way you structure your own poetry. 

During writing

Ready to start writing? Let’s dive in.

Choose a subject to write about

Now it’s time to choose what you want your poem to explore. It can be something minuscule — a drop of dew on a blade of grass that looks a bit like a tiny globe — or something grand, like the corrosion of free education, for example. You might find it helpful to do some journaling on the topic first to explore how you feel about it and get your creative wheels turning. 

Find a format that works for you

Because poetry is so intimate and emotionally driven, it can be beneficial to give it a tactile element by writing with a pen or pencil and paper as well as drafting on a digital platform. Different forms look and feel different depending on where and how they’re composed, so explore what works best for you.

Don’t worry too much about getting it “right” — that’s what revision is for! Just begin structuring your thoughts into some kind of order and practice, practice, practice. 

Overwrite first, trim later

When you’re writing a rough draft, put down lots of material that you can shape into a polished poem later. Many poets find that their poems become a lot shorter as they revise. That’s because they write out a lot of lines and phrases that help them uncover what the heart of the poem is and then cut away the parts they don’t need.

Find your poem’s turning point

Great poems are characterised by what’s called “the turn”, or a shift in the poem’s tone or focus. Often these poems begin by talking about something small and innocent, and then shift into something more emphatic part way through.

For example, maybe a poem starts by talking about a drop of dew on a blade of grass that looks a bit like a tiny globe, but soon the reader realises that what the poet’s really talking about is climate change. Or you could start by writing about a dress you haven’t worn in years, then shift to talking about the person you last saw the night you were wearing that dress. This “turn” gives your poem emotional layers. 

After writing

You wrote a poem! Congratulations!! Now it’s time to make it the very best it can be. 

Read your work out loud 

Great poetry is all about rhythm. The best poets know that reading a finished poem aloud is the key to picking out any snags in the musicality of the piece. Pay attention to any moments in which you get stuck on a hard consonant or trip over any hidden tongue twisters. 

Hearing the way it sounds out loud can help you catch issues that you wouldn’t have noticed on the page and make the language as smooth as it can be. 

Revise, revise, revise

Poets (in fact, any writers) rarely get it just right on the first draft. Once you’ve completed a poem, set it aside for a little while and come back to it with fresh eyes. Then, you can examine how to give each line the maximum impact and how the overall narrative comes together. 

Also, look at the way you’ve shaped your poem and if the line breaks and stanza breaks are pulling their weight. Cut out any material that isn’t necessary — it’s not uncommon for poets to delete the first few lines of a poem because they were just their way of warming up their voice. These superfluous lines are sometimes called “throat clearing” lines. 

Get your poems out into the world

Once your poem is as perfect as you can make it, and you’ve revised each punctuation mark and line break until you’ve gone cross-eyed, you’re ready to send it out. There are thousands (thousands!) of literary journals in the big, wide world that welcome submissions of poems from new writers. Somewhere out there is an editor who is going to love your poem and want to share it with their audience. 

Next stop: worldwide acclaim. Good luck!

[theladyoracle]

hiii! i really like your writing and i’m not sure exactly if you do romance headcanons but if you do i’d love to know what tim is like when he has a crush on someone? like how does he act around them and how does he feel when he realizes he’s in love? if you aren’t comfortable please ignore this :) hope you’re having a great day!

EEEE~! Anon! Thank you so so much for this ask! Spoiler Alert! I AM MORE THAN COMFORTABLE ANSWERING ROMANTIC QUESTIONS!!!! 🌹✨💖 This literally made me SO giddy! So thank you thank you so much! Now hehehe onto the ask!

Tim Wright (with a Crush) Headcanons!

I feel like at his core, Tim is a very cautious person. He is not quick to trust other people

He can come across as extremely standoffish when he meets someone new, preferring to keep others at an arms length to protect them and himself

His caution comes from good reasoning, of course. Tim has learned time and time again that when people grow close to him, they get hurt

Naturally he isn't eager to get anyone roped into any sort of traumatic event, and he's even less eager to put himself through the heartbreak of losing someone

He tries to suppress his emotions in that regard, and so when he starts to develop a crush on someone he's pretty incapable of recognizing it...

So it would start off slow

I imagine Tim doesn't like to be alone with new, unfamiliar people. So if he has to interact with you, he'd feel more comfortable if Brian or literally ANYONE else was around

He would keep quiet, stealing glances at you between conversation topics and nervously avoiding your gaze if you catch him looking in your direction

Any social interaction with him will be met with grunts and grumbles, making it near impossible to determine how he feels about you

He'd try to rationalize with himself that he's just trying to 'figure you out'

Afterall, there must be something strange and unusual with you, because every time you're around him his heart starts pounding in his chest and his hands are shakier than usual...

You're such a mystery to him, and even though he wants to tell himself he doesn't care or couldn't be bothered to find out, he can't help himself

Tim is the kind of person who needs to feel familiar with someone before he can even begin to rationalize having feelings for them

But it's also his second nature to take care of other people

He would feel a tug in his chest, this odd inclination to protect you

Honestly, I think Brian or Toby would probably be able to recognize Tim's feelings for you before he even could

As he warms up to you, they'd be the ones to notice how his eyes soften ever so slightly when he listens to you speak, how he hangs off of every word you say, and how he seems more inclined to start making jokes with you whenever you're around

Not to mention, how he seems so much more eager to do tasks for you than anyone else

He'd go out of his way, breaking up his day-to-day routines to 'bump' into you

He'd ask you if you needed help with anything, offering to get you anything you might need

He'd practically devote himself to making your life as easy as possible if he can help it

It would take a lot though for him to realize he has a crush on you though

So many quiet, intimate moments after dark to get him to open up to you...

Your hands gently brushing against one another as you walk in the woods

Maybe he pulls out a cigarette, and you offer a light. Even though he doesn't need it, he lets you do so anyway, just so he can lean in and be close to you

He will start to give you his jacket as it gets cold out, like it's second nature, and he'll even let himself drink in how absolutely adorable you look when you wear it

It's only when he notices that his mind always drifts to your face when he tries to sleep does he realize that he likes you

And God, it hits him like a truck

He wouldn't be able to sleep that night for sure, and would be stupidly embarrassed that he hadn't realized his feelings sooner

Not to mention, a new fear; what if you don't feel the same way? And what does it mean that he feels this way about you at all?

He would be pacing the cabin all night long! Trying to figure out what to say to you, if anything at all

The next time he sees you, he's so embarrassed and awkward - which is sort of adorable since Tim hardly comes across that way

Usually Tim has such a strong presence, but the day after he comes to terms with how he feels about you...he seems a little jumpy

When you ask him what's wrong, he's terrible at lying to you and inevitably just confesses to you that he enjoys your company

Like....really enjoys your company

Tim's surprised when you tell him you like him too, and will blush excessively when you tell him you were waiting for him to make a move

After its all sorted, he probably wouldn't even know what to do next

Overall the conversation is very sweet and wholesome...maybe a little angsty just because he doesn't want to cause you any harm just because he's interested in you

At the end of it, he'd just pull you into a hug, before changing the subject

Maybe he'd say something along the lines of - "Well, now that that's settled....I suppose I should take you out on a proper date? How about it?"

Or maybe he'd simply clear his throat, take your hand, and offer a walk through the woods...Ya know, to talk about everything that is to come next

Aaaaand that's what I got! :3 Thank you so much for the ask! ❤️

[devine-fem]

Hi! I saw that a little bit ago you said you might write an essay on jondami and if that's something you're still interested in doing I'd love to see your thoughts compiled in that way. No pressure though, I know it's a lot of work!

Okay, took me a bit but here it is: the long awaited essay on Damijon, get a snack and something nice to drink because this is going to be unapologetically long.

Misconceptions. Firstly, I don't know how else to explain that I personally don't exactly see Damian and Jon as children. I mean that they are older to me, and I feel this because with comic books when a character is a child that is their time for development and growing. With Robins they always have this inability to be allowed to grow up due to DC personally wanting Batman to always have a Robin in his arsenal. The thing with Damian and Jon is that they are made to reach a finish line. That finish line being Superman and Batman, which they cannot be before developing and growing into those mantles (if the writer is good and has common sense of course) first. We see that in DCeased, WW23 and other Damian books in the past that becoming Batman and Superman is an important topic for these characters, they have a long way to go. Admittedly, I do enjoy content as to where they are younger because that is where their dynamic peaked to me, I also think it's a very simple serotonin boost and if it's innocent then I really have no issue with indulging. But to me... that's not Damijon. Damijon is about friendship, Damijon is about always being able to seek and find in a certain person and I don't particularly care if this is platonic or romantic. It's important to remember that in canon, they are nothing but friends and I enjoy that all the same, but I also find it interesting to explore their dynamic if it was in a romantic context and that is what Damijon is all about to me. It's just "what would these two characters would do if they developed a different kind of affection towards the other." In my head, with as Damian is now, I doubt he'd be able to hold an intimate relationship without training wheels first and a very understanding partner. He's emotionally distant and he has this great fear of being abandoned which I think would suffocate the relationship. Children are confused and lost people who haven't found themselves yet and while Damian and Jon are both children... I don't exactly think there will be enough room for Jon's problems and Damian's problems as well. I also kind of struggle with wanted to rid them of their age gap, their age gap is just big enough to make it as if Damian has some authority over Jon. It makes it so eventually as Damian and Jon grew that Damian would be somewhat out of reach for Jon and perhaps, he could feel like he'd have to chase after Damian a bit when it comes to milestones and development. It makes them just a little bit more interesting and as I said, I don't exactly want to erase that.

A lot of people bring up the topic of maturity between these two but that would mean that Damian is more mature than Jon and you would know that this is not the case in the comics. The person who slings around insults is Damian, the person who acts brashly is Damian, the person or initiates fights is Damian. The immature one is Damian, he may act like he knows everything but he is a child, he’s incredibly immature and we should remember that.

Damian. It's particularly hard to describe both Jon and Damian separately for me at this point. To me they are something that should had never been separated. Something that comes as a set. Like one of them is missing the other when alone. The thing about Damian Wayne is that he spent his childhood years training to be a natural born winner. He never had a moment in Robin or Damian Al Ghul that let his life be truly his own. The thing about his relationship with both Talia and Bruce is that he feels as though he needs to earn affection and love, similar to how some children may feel this too after going through psychological abuse and neglect - this coming from both Bruce and Talia at times.

It should be noted that the comic that contains this panel is not a good representation of Talia and Damian's relationship but overall, this line is somewhat accurate and holds weight to their dynamic. Damian is someone who feels the need to earn his keep, it's instilled in his brain that basic things that others may get will not be given to him without him having to earn it first. Damian feels like he doesn't belong, like he's stuck between two worlds. He's burdened by constantly having a destiny, a path already carved into the ground for him. Jon. Jon is quite simple. His whole narrative revolves around similar themes as Damian to where Jon feels like he's not truly like his father but also not entirely like his mother. He wants to live up to being like his dad, but a lot of his own individualism gets lost in the process. He has this need to prove himself and make others proud. His upbring was simple and homey. Lois Lane and Clark thought that it'd be best to hide the fact that Clark is Superman and Jon is half kryptonian in order to provide him a mundane foundation as a person. There's not much to say about Jon alone because unfortunately his characterization was cut quite short. Let me talk about the age-up situation. Some people don't understand why this is such a bad thing for Jon's character, but I strongly believe that people of this opinion simply do not care about the character since this is character assassination in the most basic form. Jon's childhood was a very important part of his character as it is for literally all characters. That's where all his personality quirks and traits come in, that's where he can resonate with the audience the most, that's where his bonds with other characters are established. As Jon is now, he's being thrown into the finish line with no prior characterization. Jon's personality is going to be lost when writers pick him up, at times he even seems emotionless and purposeless. He is entirely unrecognizable to me. The only thing that has been established for him is his sexuality and his boyfriend and his solo revolved entirely around said boyfriend. The least they could do is make them good representation, but they aren't even that, sorry, it's jarringly obvious. And it's not just that its "getting in the way of my ship" because I don't want Jon and Damian to be canon, not really, not when this is how they treat a canonically queer character... look at what happened to Jon. I imagine that if they were to be canon then I'd find myself complaining about how DC can't do Jon and Damian's dynamic properly constantly. I don't have that much faith in them. It's disheartening that as a fan of him that I don't have as many good things of him that I do bad. The ship also suffers from this because it's literally about growing up beside someone and that childhood friends to lovers appeal.

Damian & Jon. A lot of time in Damian's stories because of his abrasiveness and offputting/distant personality, he finds it hard to make friends and sometimes it's not entirely the other person's fault. The thing about when he met Jon is that became a past time for him, he was someone who just wanted to be around - who actually went out of his way to be around him as well as they have a wholesome foundation for a friendship. Jon feels deeply for Damian as Damian feels deeply for him. Over and over again, Jon's life is threatened in some way which forces Damian to pull down his emotional walls and show that he does care for Jon.

It's established repeatably that Damian cares a lot for Jon because when he's in danger, he visually starts to panic. Even going as far as calling Jon by his first name which is rare for him because Damian calls everyone by their last name because he speaks very formally but when Jon gets hurt, Damian slips up to suddenly call him by his first name.

Damian was so shaken up that he accidentally calls Jon his friend afterwards, which is important to note because he has always refused to acknowledge their friendship for stubborn reasons. Also to note Damian's stubbornness I'd also like to mention the time where Damian refused to acknowledge Jon could join the teen titans, every time Jon proposed the idea, Damian shut him down till it came the time to vote on whether or not Jon does join the titans and Damian was literally the only person who raised his hand.

This was one of the moments I was most frustrated with Damian because all that arguing with Jon was truly just to annoy him and nothing more, he secretly believed Jon could join the titans the entire time but when it came down to it-

He only made himself and Jon look stupid and proceeds to brush off their friendship once again. I have to admit it is slightly interesting even when frustrating. As for Jon, yes, they bumped heads at first and Jon found himself getting extremely frustrated with Damian's attitude, but it was mostly because Damian is someone, he knows he's going to have to spend a lot of time working besides and he only wanted to be his friend while Damian seemed uninterested.

The thing about these two is that whether they like it or not, they will have to spend their entire lives beside each other. This is something no other dynamic in DC can really replicate. We know Jon feels deeply for Damian, it wasn't able to be verbalized often unfortunately but he has mentioned how highly he thinks of Damian, calling him "the strongest person I know" - stronger than him by far. He's one of the few characters that want to see Damian as he is and doesn't want anything from him, he just likes being around Damian.

And for Damian one of the few ways he knows to provide to Jon is taking him away and going on missions with him, it's kind of sad to think about how this is one of the few ways he knows how to express that he wants to be around Jon. He's gotten up in the middle of the night, went across the city and met up with Jon to hang out with him.

It's sad, yes, but also really sweet. A lot of characters assume the worst for Damian and think that he's bound to end up being the worst version of himself or think he's like a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any moment.

But instead, Jon refuses to acknowledge that Damian can be evil at all, denying entire alternate realities where Damian is slowly becoming the worst version of himself because he deeply believes that in Damian's heart, he could never be anything less than great. Their mantles. Not to talk about DCeased but yes, I will be talking about DCeased because that is the perfect example of how these characters function to me.

This comic showed his the long, excruciating, and lonely years these two would have to face in disaster. The trauma of losing everything, your family and your world and moving mantles to stop it but it being something they had to do together. Like a grave already buried in the ground for them but they laid in it together as kids and adults. If you truly want to understand this ship I deeply think you should turn on your brain and read DCeased.

How they contrast. Jon and Damian's are distinctly different, their personalities are different, their upbringing is different, and what they deeply identify with is different. This is why at times they may argue but at the end of the day, they have to share their life with the other.

How they compare.

At times where they may think they are alone or have no one to talk to then they will always have each other, they're supposed to, that's what their relationship is built on. Understand that in the most basic sense that these two are platonic soulmates. They will be there for each other at the beginning.

And at the end.

They share this great burden together, they share similar paths, fears, worries and goals. They will always be together even when one of them might not want to be because the worst thing you can be when all of these things are happening to you; is alone. Their lives tell the same story just in different places and perspectives, sometimes their most defining moments directly mirror each other.

They both feel like they don’t belong and like they’re stuck between two worlds as well. For Jon, it’s Krypton and Earth, for Damian, its Batman and Al Ghul.

Their mantles supply this destiny they share. It’s what will bring them together and pull them apart.

I feel the need to mention that Jon is one of two characters that sees Damian beyond the son of batman, Damian has said “Well, If I am almost Batman.” and Jon said “You’re so much more than that.”

Damian said “Do you have a better offer?” and Jon said “Well, I have you.”

… I have to love them.

Their relationship with one another platonically. They have the friendship to end all friendships. It quite literally transcends space and time. Regardless of if you like Jon and Damian being friends in the first place or not, you cannot deny that what Jon has done for Damian is not important.

Like I said with Damian, he feels as though the love that he receives has to be earned but when he met Jon, he was introduced to the idea that someone wanted to simply be around him, that someone wanted to be his friend and love him unconditionally. You cannot deny that this friendship helped develop these two in very good directions, not only are these two entertaining but they help each other progress by simply being around the other.

They give to each other what other people can’t. Dick Grayson even admits that Jon sees something in Damian that other people like to ignore. This is very important. Now Jon’s relationship to Damian could help him as well, knowing Damian could grant him an extra layer of empathy and understanding, it already does and he can use what he’s learned from Damian in the future.

Damian teaches Jon what it means to be a hero, Jon teaches Damian what it means to be a kid. Damian shows Jon what love has been and Jon shows Damian what love can be. It’s very compelling. These are two lost people who make each other feel accepted and normal.

The potential of their relationship romantically.

Imagining what it would be like if DC was capable of allowing these two to engage in a romantic relationship with the other is compelling. Firstly, I highly doubt that DC will ever properly portray these two’s relationship with the other if they did pull the trigger.

But in the fantasy world where everything is perfect, I think it’d be nice for these characters to have a relationship free of their narratives. To be allowed to be confused about their feelings and even reject them; to have us as an audience be able to watch these two slowly navigate it over time and especially with them both being same sex, I feel like DC just showing that they’re not afraid to portray that type of relationship between character directly under one of their biggest names is certainly heartwarming.

Jon coming to terms with liking boys and having a crush on someone the same gender as him while also struggling to have that perfect american life that his father’s narrative values so much and that confusing him.

Damian struggling with his feelings and allowing himself to not feel like he’s doing something wrong by falling in love with another person.

And perhaps this love being catalyst for them to want to grow up to be distinctly different from their fathers, to carve a path for themselves because they realize that they are their own person and can’t be entirely perfect for everyone else but just perfect enough for each other.

The wasted potential of the characters overall. Super Sons was a very important comic book, it supplied things for Damian fans that was starved of us. If you look at the internet before Super Sons you will see people complaining about how Damian's stories do not contain a certain element to it which was entirely fixed by Super Sons being created, Super Sons left much to be desired. I still think that series was meant to go on for way longer than it did and contain a lot of meaningful stories for the both of them so it's a real shame that it was cut short.

Unfortunately, even though some writers want to separate Jon and Damian, they’ll never fully be able to because of how engraved Damian is into Jon’s character. Damian is one of Jon’s core personality traits because overall, he is greatly lacking so they’ll never be able to be truly separated. It’s safe to say that his character is ruined and the only way for you to like it is to have bad taste in media.

Why I personally think it’s so good. All of these things I mentioned are not really given to you with other ships like Timkon, Superbat, etc. Nothing speaks to me like this and if you really understood it then you'd know that all of these things are entirely different. Damijon in canon is literally what people think Superbat is, the way that people want Clark to provide release and catharsis to Bruce is literally done for Damijon in canon. Between Superbat, Timkon and Damijon, Damijon evidently has the strongest bond/is allowed to have the strongest bond, these characters distinctly have an effect on the other that cannot be replicated with the others. Not to put these two ships down but it's evident, I've always been against the idea that Timkon and Superbat are similar to Damijon because they just aren't literally at all.

I truly believe that if Jon and Damian weren’t Superman and Batman’s sons then I’d still ship them anyway, I also think with unfortunately the way that DC is dealing with Jon’s character that if Damian was allowed to have a relationship akin to his with Jon’s something almost exactly mirroring Jon and Damian then I’d drop Damijon instantly… but… till that day.

Damian and Jon make each other happy in the purest way possible and till that stops I think I’m shipping that.

What to check out if you’re interested in it. I made a reading list for these two a while back.

[muldermuse]

Coffee Shop Confessions (Gator Tillman X F!Reader)

Reader overhears Glenda (Gator’s girlfriend) bragging about how intimate her and Gator were a few nights ago. You want to remind Gator who he belongs to.

18+ only!!!! Smut below. Smut includes oral (m receiving), mentions of piv, infidelity (huggge thing), facial (f receiving), exhibitionism??, cumplay. If any of these things are not to your tastes, pls do not read the fic!

This is at some point after the two sinners fic. This dynamic is so fun to write because Gator is an awful person (but so are reader and Glenda).

You’re out on a casual coffee date with Jax when you see her walk in. It’s Glenda and as always (as much as it pains you to admit it) she looks great. Her hair is in her signature low ponytail with a white shawl draped around her shoulders. Underneath the shawl it looks like she’s wearing a long green dress but you fear pointing your eyes in her direction for too long. Glenda comes in with the rest of her book club, they usually meet at the Church hall every Wednesday afternoon but renovations are currently in the works so the group meeting has been diverted to your usual coffee shop. 

You saw Gator three nights ago, his afternoon shift was quiet so he spent a few hours fucking you in different places around your home. You know that he hasn’t slept with Glenda yet, he has to marry her first and from what he tells you, his daddy is really on his back about doing it soon. Roy tells him that a woman like Glenda won’t hang around forever and if he isn’t ‘man enough’ to marry her; a better man will. The only reason that Gator would ever marry her is to keep his daddy happy. He’d spend a life betrothed just to appease a man who views him as nothing but a disappointment.

You’re sat on a couch near the back of the shop so Glenda and her group don’t see you as they peruse the menu. Jax is completely unaware that the group have entered and only knows Glenda from around town. He’s chatting to you about this new deal he’s getting close to finishing at his work. You’ve been feigning interest until the ladies walked in but now you’re not even paying attention to him. They choose a big table and unbeknownst to them, sit within earshot of you. They’re all clutching their dogeared copies of Jane Eyre as a barista delivers cups of tea to the table. You try to tune the conversation about the book out until you hear something peaks your interest.

“Okay, I have to ask I can’t wait anymore” Glenda’s friend Holly squeals, all of Glenda’s friend look exactly like her but with interchangeable eyes and hair colour. “Glenda, have you and Gator done anything else since the other night?”. You watch Glenda’s cheeks tinge pink as all of the group turns to look at her, placing their books down and holding their mugs close to them, seemingly waiting for the gossip.

“Oh my, Glenda! Have you and Gator…y’know” Sophie all but whispers. You smirk, none of these ladies would ever say sex out loud in a public place, maybe in the comfort of their homes but never ever out where they could be heard. You imagine if they would ever call it fucking rather than sex. It seems like Gator exclusively refers to it as that and you can’t imagine him using a softer term like ‘making love’. The thought of him saying that to you sends a shiver down your spine.

Glenda places her mug down and a small smile crosses her face. You’ve known Glenda since school and you know how much she loves talking about herself. It’s probably a tie between herself and her relationship with God for her favourite topic of conversation. You watch as Glenda looks at all her friends to seemingly ensure that all attention is placed on her. “So, ladies- some of you may know that Gator and I were…shall we say…intimate the other night?”.

You feel your heart drop into your stomach. Why hadn’t he told you? You honestly never considered that they would do that before getting married.

Glenda continues, “Okay well not ‘intimate’ in that kind of way”. The table erupts with polite giggles as you feel a wave of relief wash over you. Of course they wouldn’t be doing anything like that yet. They’ve been an official couple for 8 months and Gator has been fucking you for just shy of a year. You wonder if it’s difficult for him to pretend he’s never done anything before. This whole topic makes you feel uneasy; discussing Glenda is completely off the table for you and Gator. You don’t talk about their relationship or their future unless you’re in an argument and you want to hurt him. Or, if he wants to make you feel insignificant. Both of these things happen more than you care to admit. Gator didn’t lose his virginity to you, that was long gone by the time you two started…whatever this is. Jax interrupts your train of thought, he can probably tell that you haven’t heard a word he’s been saying for the past few minutes. “I’ve just got to take a call and then I’ll grab us a coffee to go- okay?” You nod and rub your hand against his forearm. He smiles at the gesture but really, that is your way of asking him to hurry up so you can eavesdrop more.

“So he came home from work and ladies, I think we can all agree that he looks very dashing in his little uniform” The groups nods and giggles. “I’d had a small glass of white wine whilst finishing up my new library book and I don’t know what came over me.” The rest of the group look enthralled with the tale and you realise this is probably the most exciting thing that has happened to them in the past month.

“So, he comes and sits next to me and he’s on his phone and I tell him how handsome he looks and I put my hand on his knee…well not on his knee, maybe above it? And I suppose, I just took control! I kissed him and we made out a little. No tongue or anything but it felt really special. I tried to sit up closer to him but he told me that it wasn’t the right time. I love that about him y’know, his commitment to the Lord is really there.” By the end of her tale, she looks flushed as if reciting the interaction has got her worked up. “So I guess, that means we’re going to wait until we’re wed. I know you all understand how much that means to me.” She holds her hands out into the centre of the table and her friends grab and squeeze as a sign of support.

Your phone buzzes and pulls your attention away from the group. Jax is calling and as you look up you see him smiling and holding two coffees to go. You grab your bag and as you turn to leave you accidentally bump your hip into Glenda’s chair.

“Oh…I didn’t see you there. I hope our book club didn’t disrupt your date with this new gentleman friend of yours.” She looks at Jax and waves at him, her eyes don’t leave his as she turns away from you and says, “You just seem to have so many gentleman friends…I guess it’s hard to keep track”. The sound of the group giggling under their breath takes you right back to high school. Right back to hearing Glenda make comments about you and your friends to a roaring laughter from her minions. All of whom would never even look your way without Glenda’s presence. You consider how cowardice always outweighs confidence.

“Y’all have a nice day discussing that book”. You pat Glenda’s shoulder and hold your head high as you leave the coffee shop with Jax. You know the only thing they’ll be discussing for the rest of the afternoon is you and your ‘scandalous’ life.

***

[sent at 19:03] You: need to see u tonight, come round when u finish

[received at 19:07] Gator🐍💩:??? k omw to u now.

He knocks on your door just after quarter past. You’ve changed from your coffee date outfit into your favourite piece of lingerie. You’ve had it for a while and it drives Gator wild every time he sees it. It’s white lace bra and panties with a garter belt and white sheer suspenders. To answer the door, you’ve draped Gator’s plaid shirt over your body- he loves shit like that, it makes him feel more possessive over you. The shirt is completely open and you pray that no one else is on the street. A quick glance through your keyhole just shows Gator looking slightly more fidgety than usual.

You open the door and greet him with “hey Sheriff”. He rushes inside pushing you back, trying to hide your body. He sits down on the couch and covers his eyes with his hands, “are you fuckin’ insane? Why the fuck are you answerin’ the goddamn door like that?”

He keeps his hands covering his eyes as you position yourself on your knees between his legs. You huff out, “I wanted to surprise you…I bet you’ve had such a hard day at work.” You run your hands over his thighs and smile at him when he puts his hands behind his head to look at you. You dropped the shirt when he pushed you back from the front door so now you’re just kneeling in front of him wearing your delicate white lingerie. Your hand stays on the bulge in his pants, your thumb rubbing over it gently as you rest your head on his knee. 

“What the fuck are you doin’ baby,” he lifts his hips to push his bulge into your touch and bites his lip at the contact. His thumb runs against your cheekbone as his eyes bore into yours. It’s a tender moment, a rare one for the pair of you and all you can think about is how much of a fucking bitch his girlfriend is. You want to send her boyfriend back to her completely wrecked.

You unbutton his pants and Gator takes the hint and shimmies them down until they’re pushed down below his knees. You inch closer to him and stick your tongue out as your eyes meet his. He smirks as he taps the head of his hard cock against your tongue. The sound of wet slaps fills the room as he asks you, “y’gonna help me unwind?”. You nod as you take his cock into your mouth. 

You hear him mutter “fuck” under his breath as you swirl your tongue around the head of his cock. His left hand rests on your head as the other stays behind his back. He doesn’t apply any pressure to your head as you take him deeper into your throat. You feel tears filling your eyes as you pull of him with a gag. Spit connects your mouth to his cock as you keep stroking him as you catch your breath. His eyes are hooded and he smirks at you as he teases, “oh honey, I thought you wanted to help me relax…y’were doin’ such a good job too”. He grabs your chin with his forefinger and thumb and presses a kiss to your forehead. He pulls off you and you move your mouth down to his cock again. 

“Make me fuckin’ cum down your throat, pretty girl”. Gator loves to hear you gag on his cock, he is pretty big and hearing you struggle reminds him of that. You get into a steady rhythm of sucking his cock and twisting your hand for whatever your mouth can’t reach. As he gets closer to finishing, he pushes his hips up so his cock is hitting the back of your throat.   

He whimpers above you, “fuck baby, I’m going to fucking cum…quick- where sho-“ before he can finish his sentence you’re giving him your best doe eyes and begging him to cum on your face. He moans at the instruction and finishes before has chance to consider what you’ve said. Ropes of his cum cover your face as you wipe it from your eyes to look at him. 

You pick your phone up from the ground and throw it at his chest, “do I look pretty enough for a picture, Gator?”. He still looks dazed from his orgasm as he holds your phone in his hand and snaps a quick picture. 

“Why the fuck do you want that?” He asks after he gets his breath back. He dresses himself quickly as you tell him it’s probably time for him to leave. 

***

Glenda always posts what she makes Gator for his dinner on her Facebook. The caption usually containing what the meal is and how thankful she is to have such a ‘grateful man’ to cook and care for. Gator’s long gone by the time Glenda posts her chicken casserole picture. You send him a message as soon as she posts the meal. 

[sent at 20:34] You: hope you’re still feeling relaxed baby ❤️

You attach the picture of you from an hour ago. Between Gator’s hairy thighs, smiling with your eyes closed and ropes of Gator’s cum covering your face.  Gator has no manners so will undoubtedly open the text sitting at the dinner table with Glenda. You smile as you go to put your phone on charge. You leave it on silent and turn it so the screen is facing down. 

You’d hate to interrupt the happy couple’s evening.

[bluegekk0]

Random ramble incoming. It's definitely an interesting experience as an aroace person to write a character to whom sex and intimacy is a really big deal.

That's an aspect of Grimm (and Vyrm but to a lesser extent) I don't talk about a lot here, but it's such an interesting part of his character in the AU. To him, that subject is an art form by itself, one that he finds not only extremely enjoyable but also fascinating. Something so primitive and, admittedly, fairly nasty in nature, in his mind is the ultimate manifestation of a deep bond between individuals, one that he feels the other gods often don't understand. Unlike those higher beings, he didn't sleep with mortals to assert some kind of dominance, to flaunt his power over them; he believed that putting himself in an equally vulnerable spot as them was the key. What other gods often found demeaning and beneath them, to him became one of his favorite ways to experience that intimacy.

And I love the inner conflict he experienced for most of his life, where he really craved that deep connection but was too afraid to get attached to anyone. So in all of his experiences, he couldn't shake off the feeling that something was always missing. Sex also became a very unhealthy coping mechanism for him during the period Vyrm was missing, where Grimm was on a verge of a breakdown himself. Instead of getting much enjoyment out of it like before, he used it to briefly forget about his pain, almost as if it was some kind of drug. I like to imagine he still occasionally struggles with it, that at low points he may subconsciously seek Vyrm's closeness, before realizing he needs to find a healthier way to cope, one that doesn't paint the love of his life as a drug he reaches for when he feels terrible. Vyrm can help him, but it shouldn't be through sex.

I also find it kind of sweet that with Vyrm he was not only finally able to achieve that complete experience he wanted, but also help Vyrm overcome his own struggles. His body image issues, his strange assumption that lust is bad and pleasure is something he's not worthy of (to the point it sometimes manifested as something almost resembling religious guilt), and just his general lack of experience. It's such a nice contrast where Vyrm allowed Grimm to see and learn how to love someone in non-sexual way, and in return, Grimm helped him overcome his own fears and trauma in those intimate aspects. They can be a bit much when it comes to being overly affectionate, but I think with that context in mind you can't really blame them.

It's a bit random, I realize that. But from an aroace position it's been really interesting to step out of that comfort zone and approach this aspect of the characters from an angle I think is very compelling once you put it together. Ignoring it would be something I'd likely do a few years ago, the topic is one that can very easily change from interesting to uncomfortable for me, especially with how oversexualized everything is sometimes. But I suppose exploring the sexuality of Grimm and Vyrm was a way for me to remind myself that those aspects can make a character very compelling, even if I personally have no interest in those things myself. And hey, maybe someone in a similar position to me will also appreciate it.

[theislandoflosttoys]

First up is Red! My little apple strudel ^^

So, the boys embody their element more since after their split. Red of course being of the fire element, I went for more of a warm toasty palette. I also went for more of a wider eye shape to make him more friendly looking. As well as kind of upturned curved ears with 'fur' like additions at the base of his ears, because I wanted to add some sort of animal addition to their designs. I gave him curly ginger-strawberry hair because I wanted to go with red but not make it too aggressive, also to go for a nice contrast to his skin tone.

Also I've been bouncing back and forth on the name of my 'au' or interpretation of the gang and decided on: Porcelain AU. The reason behind the choice is a spoiler that will be revealed in due time! ;3 But on that note, any art/writing I do will be tagged under Four Swords Porcelain AU from now on so it's easier to find. ^^

Thanks!

Now for the HCs/Trivia~! ^^

Red is the second tallest at 5'10", I really liked the idea of people thinking he would be the shortest. Thanks @adel-memes you've infected my brain in many ways haha. Spoilers but your order of tallest to shortest is something I hopped on. ^^

All the boys are the same age, which is 25 years old. One this note I should mention that in this AU their adventure was when they were 15 years of age. After their split, and subsequence decision to remain split, they all started to age differently. What I mean by that is that they all started to slowly look less and less like the original "Link", taking on their own unique appearances, as if they were never the same person. This was a point of relief as well as tension among them, some of them were happy to be able to be differentiated from Link (Vio & Red), while to some of the others (Green & Blue) it was anxiety inducing as they struggled with the idea of becoming their own fully fledged person.

I'll touch on the above for each of them individually in their own posts. For Red it was an unspoken relief, he had been happy to be able to explore and develop himself. It has never been something he voiced however, unlike Vio, because it was a major point of tension for a long time. In the beginning, he even felt bad for not wanting to be Link again, and thus is why he never voiced his opinion on the topic whenever it was brought up. Definitely he felt some imposter syndrome. But at the same time he was glad when he started to look different, though he loves the gang and is fiercely loyal to them all and they developed a sort of found family, he and the others never really felt like siblings and their bonds weren't familial in nature. Red was ecstatic at the idea of being able to become his own person and branch out, and out of them all he is the most comfortable being away from the rest for long periods of time.

Red loves baking, he has a wicked sweet tooth. His favourite sweets being cherry & cream cheese danishes as well as honey apple fritters. ^^

Red works as a sort of consultant to the crown in relation to magic. He is currently still debating whether to accept the proposal from Zelda for him to become the court magician.

Red is the one with the highest magic potential, his ability to control and harness his element is unmatched and he is not shy about it, definitely helped to boost his confidence.

He is often admired by the populace due to his friendly personality, confidence, and his overall appearance. Out of all the boys, Red is surprisingly (or maybe not surprisingly) the most popular.

He doesn't look like it, but he can hold a mad grudge. He is the kind of person to have a smiling face while internally seething when he gets mad. Though he embodies fire, he doesn't have a quick temper, it takes a lot to make him mad.

Though it doesn't seem like it due to his friendly personality and open approachability, he has a hard time connecting with people. He is slow to form intimate or friendly connections (friends, lovers, etc), but when he does he is reliable and fiercely loyal. Family is important to him, he is definitely family orientated.

To do one's surprise, he is very good with children. And he takes time to play with them if they come up to him. He is weak to puppy-dog eyes, and can't stand to see others cry. Man folds like a lawn chair.

He is always willing to lend an ear or help out when asked. Very empathetic and emotionally available, he should win a prize in communication.

He doesn't mention it, but one of his wishes for the future is to become a parent. He wants to have a mini him to care for. And man would he ever be an amazing dad. TT^TT

Has a bad habit in taking in strays, has been often caught trying to sneak animals into the house. Not limited to typical pets either, he once tried to persuade Green to let him keep a rope (snake) he saved from a trap before. He pouted for days when he had to release it.

Vio💜

Blue💙

Green💚

Shadow🖤

Masterlist

[crazycurly-77]

A beautiful day - pt. 4

"...If you ever come near Agent Y/L/N in any way again…we will see each other again...and then you will wish you had never been born."

Gibbs' threat or promise, as he called it, was quiet but clearly audible and unmistakable.

And as much as this threat really frightened Adrian, it calmed you down, because you knew that your boss would do anything to protect his people (including you).

At that moment, Tony entered the room, went to the two men and tied up Turner. When Gibbs let go of him, he ordered Tony: "Get him out of my sight." He led him away and Adrian screamed your name over and over so that you had to cover your ears.

But the situation had also something positive, as unbelievable as it may sound. Because Gibbs took you in his arms and gently rubbed your back up and down soothingly. And that actually helped. As always, when he did that.

And as always, you leaned against his broad, strong chest and being embraced in his strong arms you wished he would never stop.

When you had recovered enough, he spoke gently: "Come on, let's write our reports, so we can get this over with. And then we’ll go out to eat together. What do you think?"

That was a wonderful suggestion...especially eating with him, which is why you agreed with a joyful "I'd be happy."

Back in the office, you both immediately sat down to write your reports. This gave Gibbs time to collect himself again as well. In the interrogation room, he was so angry out of fear for you that he wanted to tear the guy to pieces and it was only with difficulty that he was able to held himself back.

But he would personally make sure that Turner could never leave the mental institution again.

By the time you had finally finished your reports it was already late, so your planned meal became dinner. But you both preferred to end the day in each other's company anyway, so that was fine with the two of you.

Gibbs got up from his desk, put down his report and turned off the light. Then he went over to you, turned off your light too and said in a gentle voice and with his irresistible smile: "Time to finish work. Besides, I'm hungry."

How could you say no to that?

During dinner you talked about the case, because your former classmate's reasoning really bothered you. Along with that you asked yourself whether you could have prevented it. No, you wouldn't have. And over time Gibbs managed to make you understand that too.

After this serious topic he then brought the conversation to his boat, which he was building at the moment and immediately your mood became better and more relaxed. He told you about his mishaps, which you both had a good laugh about.

You enjoyed being together so much that neither of you wanted to end the evening. So Gibbs suggested a walk through the adjacent park and of course you agreed enthusiastically.

Like a true gentleman, he paid the bill in the restaurant and then led you out and to the park with his hand resting on your lower back. It felt so good and intimate, almost like a date. 

After you had been strolling chatting through the greenery for a while, he suddenly became thoughtful and remained silent.

"What's wrong? You're suddenly so quiet," you asked him worriedly.

He looked at you with a sigh: "You know, it's kind of ironic..." You didn't understand what he meant and were confused: "What?"

"I'm like Turner, but I hope I have a much better chance with you."

You looked at him, irritated: "What are you talking about?"

He stopped under a lamppost, so that you could see that he was serious. You took two steps towards him to stand in the light with him and only half a step separated you.

Concerned, but also full of budding hope, you asked him: "What chances? For what?"

At first he didn't react, but then he raised his head, looked deep into your eyes and whispered: "For a life with you."

He didn't mean what you hoped he meant, did he? Rather unlikely. So you tried to play it down: "You already have. We are very good friends."

He exhaled briefly and sharply to calm his wildly racing heart. Then he tried to tell you as clearly as possible what exactly he wanted.

He reached up and stroked your cheek, then said softly, "Yes, that's true...but I want more than that."

Before you had a chance to process that, he slowly leaned forward and finally kissed you gently, giving you the opportunity to push him away. But he hoped to the core of his heart that you wouldn't do that.

You stood there and didn't understand what was happening, but your heart did and it was beating like crazy. 

He pulled away from you and asked carefully: "Do you still remember my suggestion?"

You nodded in agreement.

"Good. And what do you think about it?"

It all came so unexpectedly that you had problems processing it:

"I... you..."

You started, but then you were at a loss for words.

He noticed that you needed help and explained:

"You have always been more than a friend to me and almost losing you (again) was too much.

That's why you were transferred, which you fortunately accepted."

"But... If you and I... What about rule 12?"

He grinned:

"You only act as an advisor and also help other teams and because of that you're not actually a direct team member. So…no problem!"

You looked at him in silence and nodded. “So, what do you say?”

He was nervous. 

“Is Jethro really nervous? Crazy.” 

You thought, astonished at this realization.

Then he continued:

“You. And me. A family? The two of us? Together?”

You still couldn't believe it. You and him. The two of you. A family.

You've dreamed of this since you first met.

When you finally woke up from your state of shock and looked into his hopeful eyes, you knew:

This is your home. HE is your home. 

Quietly but firmly, you answered with a big smile:

“Yes, I do. And you know what? You're cute when you sleep,” you winked at him.

“So, am I? I think I should sleep more often. Especially in your company,” he grinned broadly and his eyes shone.

“Oh yes, he is a master at flirting,” you thought very amused. You were very curious and excited to see this happen more often in the future. Jethro playful, casual, relaxed and flirtatious. It was a very fascinating sight.

All in all, it was a beautiful day...because you finally had a family of your own to come home to.

The End

--------------------------------------------

Here you will find the other chapters of this story.

Back to the overview of this story

Back to the main Masterlist

Back to the alternative Masterlist

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Tags: @ilovemark1951, @hobby27

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[thecurioustale]

More Thoughts on Jennyffer

@fipindustries / Amanda Avila recently published Episode 10 of her animated webseries Jennyffer, which is about an edgy trans high schooler. Last year I watched through the rest of the series and wrote down my thoughts, the short version of which is that I enjoyed it and was excited to hear that Episode 10 was coming out.

I didn't know that Episode 10 was going to be the series finale until Fip mentioned it after the fact, but it's a great note to go out on. Anyway, I figure that I should write down my thoughts for this episode too, since it's the big finale after all.

This post contains full spoilers for Jennyffer. You can watch the series yourself on YouTube. I do recommend it! This is one of those small indie works that I would probably never have sought out on my own, but one thing that friends are good for is getting introduced to new stuff through them, including sometimes their own work!

Some Stuff Before the Episode 10 Review

Before I start talking about Episode 10, I want to talk about the series as a whole.

I'm kind of an outlier queer person. I'm not gay; I'm not trans; and in fact the way my own sexual identity works is that I don't actually like looking at the topic of human sexuality all that closely most of the time and in most ways. A lot of sexual stuff grosses me out; I am a sexual person but am very particular about it. And I have no gender at all: I am agender. I don't like gender. Cis, or trans, or other for that matter. In my ideal world "masculine" and "feminine" would not be a thing; the traits from each binary would be assorted into all human beings on the basis of their character alone. This is one of several reasons I say that I would probably never have sought out this series on my own initiative. Other people's explorations of sexuality usually don't mesh well with my own, and explorations of gender irritate me with their very premise. Jennyffer is a series specifically about a trans girl coming into her own in the world, with a lot of overt sexual and genital stuff thrown in the mix, too. Transgender identity itself is both the main theme of the series and the main axis of virtually every plotline. I don't usually seek these things out. And so I just don't see this kind of work very often.

Watching Jennyffer, therefore, is a healthy thing for me, I think. It's good for me to look at more gender-exploration stories. And, on the sexual side, there's a certain level of reptilian-brain discomfort in me when it comes to looking at many spaces in human sexuality (queer or straight), and I would like to have less such discomfort with it, and Jennyffer is exactly the kind of acclimatizing art that helps me progress in that. Fip is an incredibly raunchy person; she really exults in getting nasty and freaky. Jennyffer itself is probably a whole lot tamer in regard than it could have been, yet even in its actual form it runs right up against the limits YouTube's Terms of Service—often satirically, e.g. daring YouTube to classify Jennyffer's bare breasts as female nudity. (A fight which has become significantly more salient given the corporate roll-overs to appease fascist ideals in the new Trump era, as we have seen a marked contraction of overt support for queer rights in the tech, media, and retail sectors, and a collapse in trans rights specifically.)

In any case, my friendship with Fip gave me the occasion to watch Jennyffer, and I am better off for it.

Speaking of: I also look at Jennyffer, the character, and can't help but wonder how quintessential she is to Fip. I know through my own experience with character creation in my storytelling that, for those of us who use art to explore and express ourselves, our central characters can be extremely intimate for us in the sense that they come to serve as vessels, "One Rings" if you will, for pouring so much of our essence and desires into. Fip wrote some things in her blog after publishing Episode 10, which I'll get to later, but, without considering any of those writings now: After observing my own deep-rooted discomfort with Jennyffer's heavy, proud focus on sex and gender, I couldn't help but step outside myself and wonder what Fip herself was seeing when she was creating this. What did it mean to her? Where did it come from? These kinds of questions probably have some pretty obvious answers—fun and goofs, general horniness, power fantasies and wish fulfillment, etc.—but there are probably some deeper rabbit holes here too. In any case, Jennyffer is a very personal work and I evaluate it as such—even more so on my second watchthrough than on my first. This series is not just grist for the mill; this series is someone's naked honesty, and that's special. It is a privilege to get to see artists bare their souls to the world in this way. The thing about passion is that it always says more about us than we mean it to. Something like Jennyffer can never be limited to being the face-value version of itself; there is always more to it underneath, intended or not.

Jennyffer isn't really a coming-of-age story to me. If I had to shoehorn it into a big formulaic category like that, I'd pick "slice of life." Jennyffer is mostly about Jennyffer being Jennyffer (in our messed-up, transphobic world). There isn't really a narrative "point" to the series—no central arc or final showdown—that is, until Episode 10. But Jennyffer's shit is about as together in Episode 1 as it is in Episode 9. Even Episode 10 is climactic mostly because it is declarative; it fills in more about the core of Jennyffer's character, and it does so with a much more serious tonality. Some of the subplots in the series have arcs across episodes, most notably the love arc, but these are never central; they are more like amusements. Jennyffer is a work that rewards paying close attention to detail and assuming that the creator's artistic decisions are always deliberate and intelligent. But most of this power is dedicated in the background simply to being clever and funny—Jennyffer is conceived as a comedy series, after all—and not to making any self-indulgent, grandiose philosophical statements about Jennyffer's "evolution" from child to adult or boy to girl. Arguably, this doesn't apply to Episode 10, which definitely does tread into this more ambitious space, but I think it's also arguable that Episode 10 is simply one more slice of life.

Ahead of writing down my thoughts about Episode 10, I rewatched the entire series (including Episode 10 again at the end), and on my second go-through I found I was immediately familiar with and comfortable with the format. When I sat down to watch this show for the very first time, I had no idea what I was going to get. An indie production can be anything: pure gold, pure crap, or anything else. Fip is a friend and my biggest worry was that I wouldn't be into her work. But that wasn't a problem on my second watchthrough, because I'd already seen the whole series and I knew that I liked it. On that first watchthrough, though, I was very much a stranger in a strange land at first.

Engaging with somebody's art really is like stepping into another world. All the rules are subject to change. So are all the conventions. And I've found over my life that what we bring with us as audience members on our travels into these new worlds is critical. Fip is a friend and so I had a lot of premade goodwill going into the series. I am always telling myself that I should try and be more like this when I engage with strangers' works, too, because the extra patience and good faith often pay off. I got a lot of extra benefit from this series because Fip is a friend and I went into it with so much more good faith and alertness; these postures would benefit me from watching works from strangers too. This is hard to do, of course, because, in general, extra patience and good faith and alertness more often don't pay off, as many works don't deliver on the higher degree of audience investment, and I do find myself becoming less and less patient and attentive as I get older. But Fip got maximum good faith from me, and it paid off handsomely, because Jennyffer starts out pretty rough but it drastically improves.

The title sequence is actually great and was great right from the beginning, an Episode 1 has plenty of good humor and interesting ideas and emotional effects in it, but on the whole it was very unpolished to me when I was watching it for the first time, and my mind was constantly on a tightrope between perceiving it as good and perceiving it as bad. Because I had stepped into a new-to-me world of the artist's own creation, I had to learn what I was actually seeing before I could judge it. But in so doing I also had to resist the temptation to pre-judge it on the basis of tropes, like Jennyffer's smartass behavior style, or cringeworthy elements, like the poor sound design or Fip's uneven voice acting. I also had to keep in mind that this was a one-person animation team. I'm spoiled on animations that cost millions of dollars to make, so I have to recalibrate my expectations to watch one-person, low-budget productions and not get caught up on the animation. (That said, Fip's animation is actually pretty decent, and, once you get used to the style of it, it's completely adequate to the task. Indeed, if anything, Fip's animation is actually probably one of the strong points of the series, because I for one can't imagine animating roughly 90 minutes of runtime with just my ole self to do the animation.)

One thing that stood out to me on my second watchthrough is that Jennyffer got over its uneven starter phase real fast—and I adapted to its idiomatic style even faster. Almost every post-as-you-go indie production starts out pretty rough, and Jennyffer is no exception, especially in production value issues. On second watch, I think Episode 3 (the one where Jennyffer's hormone gel turns the big burly sports team into ladies) is the first one that I unambiguously dig. This is where the show first finds it footing, and this is where I first get really into it. That means it only took Fip two episodes to basically get a feel for her show, which is pretty impressive and speaks to her artistic talent and smarts, her ability to learn from other productions and digest their lessons, and most of all to her passion for the subject matter and characters. This is not a given: All creators improve with practice, but not many improve so quickly or to such heights. And, in that sense, maybe the most exciting thing about Jennyffer is that it invites us to imagine what Fip might create in the future.

But would I have made it to Episode 3 if Fip wasn't a friend? I don't know! I've become a notoriously disloyal YouTube viewer; I used to finish a lot more videos through to the end, but these days I will bail readily. I don't know if Episode 1 would have persuaded me to click on the next one. And Episode 2 is the one and only episode in the series that I dislike more than I like—though I disliked it less on my second watchthrough, as, this time, I got to thinking less about my own lack of amusement at the episode's central joke and more about what parts of Fip went into creating it. But would I have clicked through it on my first watchthrough to see Episode 3 if Fip wasn't a friend? I honestly doubt it. I do know that creators usually have a rough beginning, and in the past I've trudged through many a bad show or webcomic to see where it goes once it improves, so it's possible. But it's definitely not guaranteed. Only Fip's preexisting friendship guaranteed I was going to watch the whole thing. And I don't know if this can really be generalized to an actionable principle for anyone reading this, but the power of friendship certainly profited me this time, because the series really is clever and funny and does all sorts of cool things, if you give it a chance to get there. And I guess I mention all of this to reiterate what I was saying earlier, about how our friendships and other associations can take us to new places we wouldn't otherwise go. It's good to cultivate these opportunities for ourselves in life.

Moving on, I wanted to mention how much I like Jennyffer's character design—that is, the visual design of Jennyffer herself. She's kind of amazing, with a mixture of traits coded as both ugly and pretty. There are moments where she looks cute and charming and sometimes even downright beautiful, like a kid from a faerie-tale; and there are other moments where she looks like a troglodyte or an utter slob or Helga from Hey Arnold. This is one area where animation has more power than live-action, because live-action can only do this through costuming, makeup, and great finesse by the actor of their facial expressions and body language, but animation can redefine the reality of the character's entire physicality from moment to moment. Jennyffer has a believable range of appearance and aesthetic attractiveness, and it's clear that Fip approached the character with a sense of dignity for Jennyffer but also an aversion to making a sacred cow out of her. Many storytellers go one way or the other, either cynical and self-deprecating to the end, or unable to let their precious creations be truly ugly or horrible. Fip can harbor both thoughts simultaneously, and the result is pretty compelling for me. I love that sometimes Jenny is so cute and other times she looks just hideous. It's also interesting to contrast this with Jennyffer's pre-out self in Episode 10. Her male-presenting form is exclusively hideous. (Or, I should say, coded as hideous; an important distinction but not one that I'll necessarily be spelling out each time.) Her female-presenting form is still hideous sometimes, but only rarely, and only as one bookend of a much wider range of good and bad. There's a lot of truth in that. No metamorphosis brings us to Illum, that paradise of the inner mind, the state of perfection spoken of by the Relancii in The Curious Tale. Being true to ourselves only gives us the chance to glimpse paradise once in a while. It does not entitle us to permanent happiness.

Anyway, here's a few scattered notes from my second watchthrough. Apologies if I already said any of this stuff in my first review, and double apologies if anything I say at any point contradicts anything I said in my previous Jennyffer review:

In Episode 4, the fact that the school councilor is by definition unhelpful is some really sublime humor. Fip's acting here is also noticeably improving. The art was good right from Episode 1, but some of Jennyffer's poses and expressions in this episode show a growing familiarity with and grasp of the character that open the door to my favorite thing: nuance!

In Episode 5, Jennyffer's outrageous attitude and ridiculous evil scheme (crack her tutor's egg in order to be able to spend more time with Peter), is channeling pure Calvin (from Calvin and Hobbes). It's delicious! I also love how her cat ears move like real cat ears.

In Episode 6, "Hello dear. You know you don't have to break your computer ever time I come into your room, right?" is still one of my favorite jokes in the series, just because of how dry Peter's mother delivers it. Also, can I just say, growing up in the '90s with a family computer in the den and two parents who scarcely knew how to use it and rarely came into the den was a wonderful thing! I was rarely intruded upon. Granted, I was mostly playing games or writing stuff of surfing the web, not doing anything "dirty," but I think we all know what it feels like to be walked in on when you're doing something private and comfortable. So I can relate to Peter here.

Episode 10, Part 1

I don't really buy the news story opening, because it omits the role of the House of Representatives and because Republicans nowadays would never vote for a teen sex reassignment bill; even many Democrats would not have the courage to pass such a law. However, I do appreciate the jab at single-issue anti-Israel haters on the left being against the Democrats doing anything whatsoever so long as their pet issue isn't being addressed. Single-issue blinders are a huge problem on the left in America, and it's all the more glaring when these issues happen to be greatly overstated or outright illegitimate, which sadly isn't uncommon.

I appreciate pre-out Jennyffer's / JJ's grim, annoyed, completely hopeless self pep talk to "just get through the fucking day" even as the day is only just beginning and nothing has had the chance to go wrong yet. I've become all too familiar with that mindset in my old age, and I have a lot of sympathy for it in others.

JJ struggles, for obvious reasons, to choose the sex of their video game character. That only stands out to me because I have never hesitated to play female characters (and in fact I rarely don't play them when I have the choice). Goes to show how different strains of queerness (and different subjective experiences of the same strains) take different forms for folks.

2'30": The reference on the wall poster is lost on me—I often miss allusions due to my lack of exposure to whatever other people are talking about, but I appreciate the fat tummy on the light-haired, scantily-clad chick in front. Looks a lot like Cherry from Galaxy Federal in her past when she wasn't gaunt. I only point it out because I bet no one else will. Just goes to show that every detail, no matter how small, will find its appreciators, if the audience is large enough.

3'10": I mentioned this in my YouTube comment when Part 1 premiered, but the fucks being given here when JJ catches the bird midair and snaps its neck have dropped below zero and are now in the negative! This is an instance of the artistic exaggeration of emotions and situations that was common in the rest of Jennyffer but is less pronounced in Episode 10 due to the much more serious overall tone. You need to maintain a certain minimum level of over-the-top stuff if you want to keep it in at all, or it gets taken at face-value and stands out too much, creating a likely-unintended reaction in the audience. This bird-neck-snapping gag—and the others, like the headlight-punching gag that occurs shortly after—keep the episode grounded in its series' idiomatic style.

The simultaneous action of the present-day conversation and the two-years ago one is digestible enough, but probably would have benefitted from some supporting sound design and added visual cues to better demarcate the two, although the existing use of darker grays for the inside of the house in the flashback definitely helps.

It's fascinating how supportive and kindly Jenny's parents are to her, considering how hard her life has been and how jaded she is. I suppose they weren't necessarily always this way, but, supposing they were, I think this illustrates how even people in relatively good situations can have miserable lives—which is also an important theme in the Galaxy Federal Inaugural Novel and therefore one that I've thought about a lot in the past several years. I find Jennyffer and her troubled past completely believable.

Overall, this sub-episode sets up the premise of Episode 10 as a whole pretty well: Jenny's transition, and her finding of herself in her new identity. It establishes more definitively (though there were clues earlier in the series) that Jenny's social transition is fairly recent, and also establishes that she was actually even more violent and assertive before she transitioned, which means that her hard edge isn't (solely) a coping mechanism for the discrimination and mistreatment that come with being out as trans. And it also sets up her anatomical transition as the central plot of Episode 10—which, given that this is the series finale (though I didn't know this on my first watchthrough), gives it an incredible amount of weight and retroactively focuses the entire series around this issue of identity and self-acceptance.

This sub-episode, and Episode 10 as a whole, are much more plot-heavy and narrative-driven than the series up till this point, and, together with the much more serious tonality, Episode 10 definitely feels like a step up in Jennyffer's gravitas.

As a critical viewer it is relevant to question why Jennyffer begins having flashbacks to two years ago before she actually commits to the sex reassignment surgery or is even seriously considering it. In fact, in the brief moment where she addresses the matter herself before her parents invite her to pursue it, she actually signals that she is willing to wait. I'm prepared to believe that this is just a continuity error (in the service of telling two simultaneous stories set at different points in time), but I much more so suspect that there's something going on in Jenny's psyche here. I think it implies that, even though she is out as trans and is accepted as such by her family and friend, her journey isn't actually complete yet. I didn't think about this at all on my first watchthrough, because I took the plot device of sex reassignment at face value, but, knowing as I do now that she ends up rejecting reassignment surgery later in Episode 10, I think her moderate stance and flashbacks here are clear indicators of the cognitive dissonance that is brewing inside her. She's smart, and she had seen the news report earlier in this sub-episode, so the premise of reassignment surgery is already in her mind at this point, forcing her to confront a future that she has always deliberately avoided looking at in the past ("Just get through the fucking day.")—and, with it, the question of who she really is.

Episode 10, Part 2

I immediately appreciate how JJ's teeth are almost all a different shape from each other, each one irregular in its own way. This not only contrasts with Jennyffer's dental braces but transforms those braces into a compact yet powerful metaphor: JJ's life was a rudderless, uncaring mess, while Jenny's is "willing to make the effort," whatever that might entail. It also retroactively provides narrative significance to the braces, above and beyond being a teenage character design trait. And Jenny's braces are so essential to her facial expressions!; this is definitely not a trivial or peripheral thing. I absolutely love stuff like this in storytelling, where the significance of something in plain sight isn't evident until later on. We did see JJ at least once earlier in the series (not to mention in the title), so this isn't new to Episode 10, but JJ gets a ton of screentime here so it's much more apparent.

I talked about this a moment ago, but I really love the visual design of this character of Jennyffer. Not only is Jennyffer everything I said earlier, but her pre-transition incarnation as JJ is also really compelling. JJ looks like a muppet monster. This is someone who doesn't care, and whose physical form reflects this lack of care. Trans-haters often accuse trans people, especially transwomen, of looking ludicrous, like they are making a joke of womanhood. Lipstick on a pig as it were. Jennyffer however is drawn in a way that shows she clearly cares and makes an effort to appear feminine and (usually) dignified. It's actually JJ who looks ludicrous, with the snaggle teeth and mop of hair swallowing their head. Again, this is merely coded as ugly; this is not an inherently ugly look (so no shade to anyone who looks like JJ!); but I'm taking it as "ugly" because I think that is the narrative intent.

Now, I've said a couple times that JJ "doesn't care," and actually I know that that's not true; it's actually the exact opposite: JJ cares a lot! If they didn't, JJ's misery wouldn't exist, and we wouldn't have Jennyffer the character later on or Jennyffer the series by Fip. But an outward lack of expression of care is what I'm talking about. I love how JJ's visual design projects their total rejection of the world and life. It's obviously no surprise that Jenny / JJ are drawn with such attention to detail and such artistic oomph, since that would have to be an important component of the point of Jennyffer as a series, but it's still impressive, because a lot of main characters out there do come across as pretty generic or otherwise underwhelming with respect to their narrative and thematic substance (if such things are even present). I love Fip's thoughtfulness and performance of talent here.

Moving on, it's interesting how, in both of the sub-episodes so far—and I noticed this on my first watchthrough too—Jennyffer is more put-together in Episode 10 than we've ever seen her. Her conversations with her parents and the staff at the health clinic show a maturity and well-adjusted attitude that is definitely not present in most of the series. Jenny is also much more frequently drawn in her "cute" poses than in her "gross" ones. I assume this is to deepen the contrast with JJ, but the narrative effect of it is to imply that Jennyffer is already coming more fully to a point of self-acceptance and adult maturity, and is therefore ready to confront the question of an anatomical transition—and I wouldn't put it past Fip to have been clever enough to do this on purpose for this reason, and kill two birds with one stone with respect to also deepening the aforementioned contrast with JJ. But, either way, this maturity and good behavior are a major step forward for Jennyffer as a character, and further legitimize the role of Episode 10 as retroactively giving focus to the entire series. In fact you could almost imagine the boundaries of a metaphor to exactly this effect wrapped around the entire series. I wouldn't expect it to have been deliberately planned from the start of the series, where Jennyffer would become mature just in time for Episode 10, but, if it was planned out this way all along, that's very impressive.

I like how Rebecca, the receptionist at the health clinic, is really obviously the grown-up version of a Mean Girl. The Mean Girls were dropped as a series subplot pretty early on, which I missed, so this callback is nice. (It's actually not that; I subsequently saw in the credits (and the YouTube comments) that it's actually an allusion to another piece of media I'm not familiar with: one of many such instances!)

Since my first watchthrough, I had forgotten that it is a de-transitioner at the clinic who sows the primary seed of doubt in Jennyffer's mind about the reassignment surgery. I don't claim to speak for trans people or detransitioned people, but I know it's a contentious and complicated topic within the community, especially since a not-small number people who detransition go on to become enemies of trans folk and trans legitimacy, sort of like how many fat people who lose weight go on to become some of the worst anti-fat bigots. But the detransitioner in this episode isn't one of those; they're actually very reasonable, and have a valid perspective. I compliment Fip for tackling it head-on, though, in retrospect, I think it is a weakness in the drama for this person to be the main source of Jenny's own doubts, because, even though it is entirely reasonable to imagine that a detransitioning person would be a valid and likely source of such doubt, in storytelling we look for dramatic patterns, and this signal implies that Jenny herself may not be clear in her gender identity, which would be a very significant development for the character and would also establish an incredibly strong symmetry with the events happening concurrently in the two-years-ago storyline.

4'10": I know these are window blinds, but, for the life of me, they look like those metal drop-down barriers that you see in high-crime areas, implying the prison that JJ psychologically dwells in.

In my YouTube comment when Part 2 premiered, at the scene of JJ's mom walking in and dropping the pizzas, I wrote:

This is pretty raw! Wasn't expecting an episode like this, but I like the earnestness of it. The doubt, the uncertainty. I love how pre-out Jennyffer is drawn like a slovenly monster (or a monstrous slob, maybe?) while present-day Jennyffer seems to be drawn more beautifully with each passing episode, and I love all the unspoken things that this says. And most of all I'm digging the parallel storyline and curious to see where it all goes and how it all fits together. I got a laugh when Jennyffer's mom came home with the pizza because I knew as soon as I saw those boxes that their sole purpose in life was to be dropped. 😂

Fip mentioned in reply that it was annoyingly difficult for her to find a sound effect for the sound of them dropping, which made me smile. She also mentioned how hard it was to find a voice actor for the detransitioner, which I suppose is understandable.

I think media like Jennyffer do important work in the space of trans legitimization. Trans representation in storytelling is one thing. I have trans characters in all of my stories. It's good to give as many people as possible the chance to see themselves. But that's sort of a minimum bar. Actually confronting contemporary trans issues and even the stigma on trans legitimacy emanating from the hateful quarters of society, through representation, is a much higher accomplishment, and it's one that is much easier to tackle—and more readily acceptable to others—if you're actually trans yourself. Whenever I talk about trans issues I know I am wading into a minefield, and as a result I am much less assertive and combative than I would have been in the past (in the past I was quite fierce on many issues even if I wasn't super-knowledgeable on them). But that lack of ferocity also makes me less effective as a messenger, not to mention my preexisting level of being less-informed and less experienced. Fip obviously knows a thing or two about being transgender and going through a transition, and Jennyffer is an important work that has the potential to reach a lot of people and sway a lot of minds—and this is certainly a timely time for it, given that the fascists in the US have made trans people and immigrants their two chief scapegoats. Jennyffer is not preachy at all, but it handles the subject matter with a familiarity and an approachable irreverence that get through to some people in a way that well-ordered essays do not. I guess, to put it in other words, it assumes from the onset that the viewer is onboard with trans identity being legitimate, and tells stories on that basis, and this can have a way of drawing people into its underlying premise through the accessibility and relatability of the storytelling. It also helps, I think, to soften many people's shock at the fact of transgenderism, since our thinking about sex and gender is often very tightly codified by society, and even to some extent by our instincts.

Stepping back a couple sentences, and speaking of the US, it's interesting that Jennyffer is set in the United States, considering that Fip is from, and still lives in, Argentina. It takes a lot of knowledge and bravery to do that. I don't think I would dare to set a work in another present-day real country, myself. I'd be uncomfortable even setting a work in a place like Chicago or New York City. But I guess this speaks to Fip's worldliness and also to the freshly-expired US global hegemony. Because we situated ourselves at the center of the world economy and world culture for nearly a century, people all around the world know an unusually high amount about American life, culture, and politics. That will begin to dissipate now that America under Trump has cut itself off from the world, but for now at least we still get things like Jennyffer, where a creator from another continent will set one of her works in the US and voice it in English, because she absorbed a ton of English-language media and hangs out in a bunch of English-speaking communities online, and is actually more comfortable writing dialogue in English! (Fip told me so herself when I brought it up in a conversation a while back.)

Moving on, kudos to Fip for JJ's cross-dressing visual design being clearly distinct from the look she settled into when becoming Jennyffer. That's the kind of attention to detail and realism that I really appreciate, and I always miss it when creators omit it. This essentially required drawing a completely new character, and not only that, but one who has to look relatable to two other characters. Neither of these things is trivial! It's common in storytelling for storytellers to connect two known points with a direct bridge and no intermediate nodes or steps, i.e. to turn a JJ immediately into a Jennyffer with nothing in between. Sometimes this is done to save work but more often it is just done out of lack of imagination; people often don't think of it! Yet it is entirely plausible and extremely likely that JJ's first attempt at presenting as feminine would not be the end of that particular journey for her. What we see in the series title (the animation of JJ becoming Jennyffer) is highly stylized and works very well for what it is trying to do, but it isn't by any means a literal representation of How That Works.

I appreciate the end credits hanging on "Georgie Girl" long enough to not let the song feel cut off.

Episode 10, Part 3

This is my first time realizing that JJ's therapist looks a lot like Fip's own avatar—a not so subtle subtext, if intentional.

I'm always careful never to assume a one-to-one direct relationship between an artist and the surrogate characters they create. None of my own author surrogates are a one-to-one representation of me. They aren't intended to be (with the very asterisk-laden exception of Silence Terlais), and in fact I deliberately give these characters (including Silence) traits that I wouldn't have. I do this for a variety of reasons, but one of them is that otherwise readers who know anything about me can begin to make mistakes about their readings of these characters by mapping what they know about me onto the characters. I also want to be able to put my characters in situations where they can behave in ways that I never could, not in the "power fantasy" sense (although I do that too) but in the "let's explore this from another angle" sense.

And, so, I have never taken Jennyffer as Fip, or Fip as Jennyffer, despite my knowing that there are doubtless manifold similarities between the character and the person, and some profound explorations of self that Fip is doing through Jennyffer, and even despite Fip's own statement (which we'll get to later) that Jennyffer is very much a part of Amanda herself. So to see Fip's own avatar [seem to] appear as Jennyffer's therapist underscores my confidence in the rightness of my decision to keep them separate. And for good reason, lol: I recall a conversation I had with Fip a while ago, where I mentioned that Jennyffer, at least at this point in her life, probably wouldn't like Silence, whereas Fip does like me. 😂

Anyway, moving on: This sub-episode has some issues with the balancing of the sound levels, which had also come up again in Episode 6 (though I don't know if I mentioned it at the time). So I was riding the volume knob here, because being hard of hearing means the soft parts were too quiet otherwise.

In my YouTube comment at the time, I wrote this:

This is my favorite part of Episode 10 so far, and one of the top installments of the whole series!! I'll save most of my thoughts for my eventual Tumblr write-up, but I wanted to say your voice acting during the therapy scene really hit hard, the humor on this one hit me just right, and the photo montage during the song was so heartwarming and one of my favorite moments in the whole series! 🥰😭🥰

I stand by this comment! The therapy scene was very well-done. That said, I think it had more of an impact on me the first time than on my second watchthrough, because it was such a breakthrough moment for the character and I as an audience member could only experience that breakthrough once, but it still stands out as very well voice-acted and drawn by Fip. And the montage afterward is 100% my favorite moment in the series, and Jennyffer has never looked more adorable or more herself than in these extra-effort still images. And she's still Jenny, after all, as shown by how she starts decompiling the face of a classmate who makes fun of her after she's out as trans. <3

And now I guess the time has come due to pay the bill on my "eventual Tumblr write-up." I had intended to write down a great deal of thoughts about Episode 10. The essay you're reading now is only an echo of that intention, because in between then and now Real Life happened to me and I don't have a lot of mental bandwidth for intellectual exercises like composing and articulating my thoughts. I hope this post is readable at all, and that it has anything of value to offer. I don't know when I would have gotten to writing this if Fip hadn't nudged me with a reminder recently. And with her birthday coming up shortly, I knew I had to make the best effort I could, even though it won't be as good as I really wanted.

But such things must be as they are, and, echo or not, I will say this:

Whenever an artist attempts to undertake the actual, on-screen depiction of a major transformative moment in a character's life, that's sort of a sacred calling to me. Not in the religious sense, since I'm not religious, but it really cuts to the heart of our art. It's always appropriate, I think—and it's bred into our nature as human beings, too—that we tend to notice these moments when they happen to others around us, and we naturally give these people the space to have their moment. In moments like these, most rules of social etiquette are suspended. Most norms of conduct are suspended. There is an inherent understanding, that most of us possess, that, in these defining moments of our individuality, we will be given space to act and react naturally and true to ourselves. I like that the therapist knew when to push JJ, and how to push, and that she also knew when to be quiet and listen. This scene illustrates an example of one of the uncommon cases where I think it's okay to adversarially yell at your therapist (or at another person in general). And I like how Jennyffer's mom also pushed, because it's not the choice I would have made in her place, but it was the right choice. It sent Jennyffer over the edge, and "cracked her egg," and that's what she needed and that's what she was heading for. If it had been me in her mom's place, I would probably have never have been tone deaf enough to go pounding on my kid's door like that. I say "probably" because the way Jennyffer was acting in that moment, marching to her room, could plausibly have looked a lot to her mom like something really bad had just happened to her, like a beating or mugging or sexual assault even. And in that case, if I'd inferred that, maybe I would have pounded on the door after all. But, regardless of what I would've done, that's what her mom did, and then, afterward, her mom gave Jenny the space to have her carpet-ruining moment of awakening. It is a privilege and dare I say even an honorable burden to bear witness to these most intimate and stressful moments of metamorphosis and personal development in a person's life, and to depict it in art is a difficult and ambitious undertaking that is incredibly easy to fail at. Especially if the artist is not relying on tropes and formulae, these situations can be really hard to pull off with the right dramatic weight and tonal color. They can be hard to depict in a way that is convincing and compelling. They can be hard to pace properly. In visual media, they can be hard to storyboard and block out. What is the camera doing? What is the lighting doing? What angles and elevations are we using? What props and scenery are going to be in the shot? Etc. Humans have a good nose for sniffing out insincere or uncompelling moments of great personal transformation, and any artist who attempts such a thing seriously is putting themselves at a lot of risk. But it is noble to try; it is that sacred calling; and all the more so when the subject matter is of deep and vulnerable personal significance to us. Felicia's egg-cracking from a few episodes back was played mainly as a joke. While it's not impossible that an adult might realize they are trans by the obvious machinations of a precocious teenager whose main goal is to get out of her lesson and hang out with her friend, it's more likely that this was not intended to be taken as a literal representation of the moment of awakening. But Jennyffer's moment is (notwithstanding the giant beams of energy). And I think Fip pulls it off; I really do. In so doing, she achieves something that most people have not: capturing one of these transformative moments in media authentically. That's a great feat, and it makes me proud of her, and it also makes me dream about all the potential this series has to break through to people and help them in their own journeys of personal understanding within themselves or perhaps with others in their immediate lives.

And, in a nod to Fip's artistic prowess, the therapy and home scenes would not pay off the way they do without the immediate and powerful catharsis of the incredibly upbeat musical montage afterwards where we see the first days of the new life of Jennyffer. That montage is the reward that Fip earns in succeeding with the previous scenes so well.

7'51": Lol at Peter's written note including all the "umms" and so forth. 😂😂😂

I haven't said much about Peter, or the love arc he has with Jennyffer. This arc is the biggest narrative structure in the series, as it becomes clear relatively early on that Peter has a crush on Jenny, and in several episodes we see him trying to confess his feelings for her. (I feel for him, by the way: I confessed to my high school love in senior year, after two-and-a-half years of suffering, and it was the scariest thing I ever did.) Peter is one of those characters who doesn't have a ton of meaning or purpose in and of himself—or, since Fip says that he's a part of her, I should say that Peter doesn't have a highly independent purpose in Jennyffer, but, rather, exists more so to help define Jennyffer as a character and give her a conversation partner whom she can be real with. But despite these humble origins Peter becomes a charming character in his own right relatively early on in the series. The consistency of his characterization as a schlemiel (including in the past) makes him kind of lovable and adorable. He's a cinnamon roll who needs to be protected, and this plays wonderfully well against Jennyffer's headstrong independence and fierceness. As for the love arc, I'll say more about it in the next sub-episode.

Finally for Part 3, I have to say that it caught me by surprise on my first watchthrough that Jennyffer backed out of her surgery. I had been assuming uncritically that this surgery was going to happen and serve as the culmination of her journey. This was set up in Part 2, so that's actually when it caught me by surprise, but Part 3 here is where the actual surprise drops in-plot.

I have to admit to some personal ignorance here. I'm aware that plenty of trans people don't get bottom surgery. But my assumption had always been that this was usually a matter of money or health concerns. For a long time it didn't even occur to me that people with gender dysphoria would pass on sex reassignment surgery if they could get it without much issue. It's one of those things where, once I think about it directly, of course it's obvious that changing your genitalia isn't a direct equal sign with transitioning, and not everyone is going to want to do it. But because I don't watch a ton of media that specifically deal with the issues surrounding transitioning, Jennyffer was one of the only times I've actually seen this reasoning process play out. Like I said before, it caught me by surprise when Jenny backed out. My natural inclination would be to ask "Why wouldn't you go through with it? Isn't it what you want?" And the answer of course is that "It's complicated." Indeed, Jennyffer herself never truly, fully explains it. Once again, this series isn't afraid to go in a difficult direction, and I appreciate that. I appreciate that it isn't all Disneyland and neatly-bowtied ribbons where everything works out the way you expect it'll work out, but instead frequently veers off in other directions for valid and well-articulated reasons.

Episode 10, Part 4

It's a subtle touch that Jennyffer's hair in the bathroom has partially reverted to JJ's hairstyle.

The front-on confrontation of the fact of Peter being gay but also being attracted to a transgender woman falls into a category of queer relationship pairs and sexual preferences that doesn't get explored nearly enough, I think. Jenny herself asks Peter what he's pulling, since at face value that's pretty invalidating toward her. Peter admits that she is essentially his only exception, and she takes that well enough, but in real life this can go all sorts of directions.

This is something I think about myself sometimes. I have a policy: Never apologize for your sexual attractions. You don't get to choose who you're attracted to. It just is what it is. But there's room within such a policy for bias to hide out, and I think we all have to ask ourselves from time to time whether and how guilty we are of harboring such bias, if we should find ourselves habitually unattracted or infrequently attracted to sexual minorities, people of various colors and ethnicities, people of various shapes and sizes, and so on and so forth.

I'm pretty fuckin' straight, personally, or at least "straight" is the word I'd use if I weren't agender. Instead the precise word is the super technical "gynosexual," i.e. "attracted to female bodies"; hence why I usually still use "straight." And so I do occasionally find transwomen attractive, but usually not, because they usually don't scan to my nether-regions as "female-bodied"; and on the other hand I've found more than a few transmen attractive over the years, mainly the ones who go for a look of androgyny and/or possess fat and highly pear-shaped bodies. And that's a difficult position to be in, because, on the surface level at minimum, it is insulting to both transwomen and transmen, but it is also a part of my identity that I don't control and therefore—per my policy—don't apologize for. I would like nothing more than to say that I am pansexual myself; attracted to everyone. But the simple truth is that I'm not. In fact my sexual preferences are very specific (and not just in this one area). This reality, in its commonness among people, is one of the many things that helps populate the cloud of dread that often darkens the sky of trans people's daily lives. "This person's cute, but what if they think I'm just an ugly freak?" Trans people know that a much higher than usual proportion of people are not going to be into them when compared with cis folk. It's a hard pill to swallow, and it's unfair, and it makes me upset because I contribute to the problem and can't authentically be any other way. I've tried to flush out any bias that may be motivating my preferences, and, to the extent that I can trust my findings, I haven't found much. The part of my brain that conceives of things like the peaceful existence with and acceptance of human diversity doesn't live at the same address as the part of my brain that wants to fuck. If anything, finding correctible bias within myself would actually increase my odds of moving closer to being pansexual, because it would imply that I can decondition or unlearn some of those biases, whereas unbiased sexual preferences are basically there to stay.

In any case, I especially appreciate Fip acknowledging this issue, in her own way, by finally addressing Peter's attraction to Jennyffer despite being gay himself. This kind of complexity exists abundantly in the real world, and we don't talk about it often enough, deeply enough, or maturely enough. In Peter's case, it may simply be an instance of him being not completely homosexual, just as most straight people aren't completely heterosexual. Or it may be, less flatteringly, that, like me, his southern brain is something of an essentialist when it comes to matters of sexual orientation, and doesn't process gender as sexual. (As an agender person, my brain definitely doesn't do that, and, in fact, while I am only attracted to bodies that I perceive as female, I am also highly inclined toward female bodies that present as agender or androgynous, not "feminine.") Or it may be that Peter is fully gay, but that his existing bond with Jenny overrides Peter's orientation. The end of the episode suggests that it was actually the second possibility, by stating that they broke up once Peter realized he was too gay and Jenny was too much of a woman, but I'm gonna invoke Death of the Author and state my preference for the third possibility. :p

But seriously though, it's an interesting and fraught topic. Most stuff concerning sexuality usually is. It's good to bring up and grapple with in storytelling.

5'00": I don't imagine this camera shot of the bathroom ceiling light is a deliberate allusion to Taxi or anything else, but it's funny how public bathrooms are such a common setting for "gritty" storytelling and human love and pathos, and there is an episode of the TV show Taxi where such a scene is occurring, and at one point they talk about the ceiling light, and how it's a good light. I always liked that moment.

I don't know how I feel about the culmination of the love arc between Jenny and Peter. I believe that it wasn't meant to be. I do like that all the promise and buildup was delivered upon by Peter finally confessing his feelings—and doing so at a moment perfectly suited to a plot climax. And the two of them consummating their relationship right there on the spot is, well...very Fip! 😂 But I guess I don't know how I feel about whether or not all the buildup was worth it. This was, after all, the biggest arc of the series, and nothing correspondingly big came of it. They just settled back into being the friends they were always meant to be. I suppose it's honest enough that one of them might have developed feelings for the other at some point; that's quite common, especially among teenagers. But in a story with a pretty limited runtime, playing up a romantic tension wasn't necessarily the best use of time, energy, or focus, at least in my opinion.

Then again, as I type that, I can't help but feel that Peter would have been pretty underdeveloped if Jennyffer had not had its love arc. I guess maybe in another timeline there would have been a different arc or arcs in its place, or other material to flesh out Peter's character. But, yeah: Speculation aside, the love story didn't do much for me.

Moving on, I like how Jennyffer's parents aged like twenty years in just two years, heh! I think this is one of those things where you're damned if you do, damned if you don't: You can't really make a character drawn in this style look two years older. So if you want to make them look visibly and noticeably older, you have to overstate it.

I also appreciate Jennyffer's mom putting on (more than) a few pounds. Her dad, too, actually. Given the power of cartoons to play around with body shapes, I really wish we saw this more often, but we rarely do.

8'03": I remember seeing the title in the end credits on my first watchthrough and thinking "This needs to be scrolling credits! It would fit with the ambition and scope of Episode 10!" And, lo and behold, the credits begin scrolling down, movie-style. Very classy, Fip! Well done.

Overall Thoughts

I read a lot of the YouTube comments and was clued in to many references and other artistic flourishes that I missed, despite my being on the lookout. I like it when a work is bigger than me like that. I didn't get even close to catching everything, and, probably, not all of what I did get was actually intentional. But, regardless, there is enough substance there for me to get a lot out of it, and for others to do the same despite loading up their proverbial plates with different food selections. I am reminded once again of how the experience of engaging with the art of thoughtful people is partially a mirror that shows us things about ourselves by fact of what we notice and how we interpret things.

This is a good series. If you've read this far and haven't seen it yet, you should watch it. Doesn't take long; the whole thing is roughly one feature-length movie in runtime. The first few episodes are just a couple minutes apiece. And if you watch it and like it, and have a few coins to spare, you should donate to Fip's Patreon fund! Which I say as a total hypocrite, because I'm not a patron myself, because I'm absolutely broke. (Not figurative "broke" either.) But maybe you are in a place to support. It's important to support small artists. Your money goes so much farther with them than it does with a creator who has dozens or hundreds of patrons. It's Fip's birthday soon, so go give her lots of cash!!

I mentioned earlier that this isn't a work I would have sought out on my own, most likely. I mentioned that sexual stuff kind of grosses me out a lot of the time, and gender stuff kind of pisses me off a lot of the time. I'm also not super heavy into bawdy, raunchy storytelling and humor. But one thing I've noticed over the years is that there is no one genre or category or topic that I categorically dislike. There will always be artists who speak to me, for whatever reasons, in a way that welcomes me into places where I don't normally choose to go. Fip is such an artist, and Jennyffer is a series filled with masterful creativity and genuine human warmth in spite of all the cynicism, and the humor is clever and adorable, and so are the characters. I enjoyed this series a bunch.

There Is No Need to Be Angry Anymore

Fip wrote down her own post-finale thoughts on Tumblr a while back, and I wanted to respond to some of that, too.

long long ago, back in 2008, i made a deviant art account and i started sharing my works online. i made the very concious and very deliberate choice back then, to fake it until i made it. every time i posted something, every time i updated my journal, every time i left any kind of note for a potential audience, i would talk with the register and confidence of someone speaking to a huge audience of adoring fans. would apologize for delays, i would advertize big ambitious porjects i had in the works (which i never finished or published). i would explain what i was going for with every work as if i had my dms filled with questions and fan theories.

much of that was me mimicking the style with which pretty much everyone posted at the time in deviant art. i did this when i only had like 4 followers there.

[...]

except this time is special, is it not?

this time i do have an actual, proper audience.

I used to do this too, a very long time ago—except that my confidence in those years was sincere, not faked. You, Fip, were probably just learning about my existence at about the time that I was definitively dialing back on this. I had gotten tired of promising big things and never delivering on them. And, by the mid-2010s, I was running out of things to say in the nonfiction space, having already articulated all the broad brushstrokes of my philosophy and worldview. And, so, when the Troubles came, I just stopped saying as much. And what I did say was not in the supremely self-confident style of yesteryear; it was in fact the exact opposite: a reflection of all the suffering I was going through at the time.

I never chose the right platform: I was on LiveJournal, a few niche web forums, and my personal website, lol. And I never had a consistent pipeline of published works. And so I went from having maybe a dozen followers to ultimately having the same four or so that you began with: very much the opposite trajectory from you, except even at my biggest I was still small-time, whereas you've built up a much more substantial audience!

I've become pretty familiar with disappointment in my own life, and so it has become all the more important to me over the years to take vicarious pleasure in the adventures and successes of others who richly deserve it. Especially when those others are friends. I hope your next projects build on what you have accomplished, and grow your star ever toward the elusive goal of a livable income as an artist. And if you ever get rich, buy me a house or something!

I'm kind of glad Jennyffer is over. When you mentioned around the turn of the year that you were working on Episode 10 after a hiatus, I remember thinking that, usually when this kind of thing happens, the artist comes back to it briefly and then falls off the wagon again—this time forever. But by choosing your comeback to also be your series finale you completely preempted that timeline and gave completion and closure to your series. It's a good size. And Episode 10 does a lot to cast the rest of the series in a new light. It's almost as long by itself as the rest of the series put together, and it really does serve nicely as the centerpiece, even though it comes at the end. And finishing Jennyffer means you are that much more free to work on something else. When you were posting some animation studies recently, I couldn't help but wonder if there was any secret information to be gleaned from reading those tea leaves.

i was perfectly content to be someone on the same tier as, say, tom sidell or zach morrison or scott dewitt. someone with a well liked webcomic who could feed a relatively small but loyal group of fans that would spurn discussion, analisis and fanart. that was the thing i was looking most of all, praise i can do without, i wanted engagement, i wanted analisis, i wanted the kind of fan interaction that is measured in fan content. i wanted reviews, even bad reviews, it meant people were thinking about my work.

That's exactly what I wanted for my own work, too. There isn't a much more meaningful and valuable gift a fan can give a creator than thoughtful feedback, good or bad. We've talked about the importance of artists doing this for one another in our one-on-one conversations, Fip, but, for anyone else reading, I hope this is something you'll take to heart. Give small creators thoughtful feedback! Don't worry so much about the popular creators who get thousands of comments on everything they post and probably won't even see your comment; spare your energy for the people who often get nothing at all except a few praises. Praises are wonderful, but thoughtful analysis is priceless. Take the time to do it; it's a good deed! That's why I'm doing this, despite my brain hurting to do it. It is meaningful to me because there truly is very little that you can give an artist that they will prize more than your thoughtful and honest feedback.

the actual biggest success of this project id say is the fact that people got me. people truly understood what i was going for. i have heard many analisis of what is art in the last few months, wether there is such a thing as objective criticism of art, what is art for, what is the purpose of art, why we make art. and one position i heard over and over again was that art is not for communication. you know, death of the author and all that, what the creator meant has no bearing on the work and the experience of the work itself.

and yet i cannot help but disagree on some level, because if so what else can i call jennyffer other than an absolute triumph of conveyance. people understood it, time and time again i would see comments where people descrive pointedly, incisively, precisely what i was going for. i felt seen.

🥹

(That just shows up as a black rectangle on my computer, but it's this emoji of eyes welling up with tears of gladness.)

Yes. It feels good to feel seen! Even if the part of us that we are feeling is seen is only a little bit of our entire whole. To steal the conversation back to my own work for a moment, the absence of this feeling of being seen is very closely related to the central theme of the Galaxy Federal Inaugural Novel. I have gone through my life mostly without feeling that I have been seen, and it is deeply dismaying. Wearying, too. The best I have been able to do, in lieu of being seen, being understood, and therein being accepted, is to write down what it feels like not to be, in the voice of my character Cherry, and grapple with the meaning of a world where that is so. It's not a fun book. It's not the book I wanted to write in years past. But it's the best I can do in this lonely world of mine, because it is honest and it is central.

I am always so glad when people have a chance to feel seen. We don't do enough of that in the world. We don't try as hard as we should to understand each other, and indulge each other in the act of gazing upon them with insights and interrogatives. Despite growing up on a media feast of affirmations that we should all embrace our individuality, the harsh truth is that human civilization is viciously conformist and will punish ruthlessly, or ruthlessly ignore, anyone who deviates outside the social order. Counterexamples exist only in the exceptions. Even cultural and political movements do not bring the true, full-figured inclusiveness we wish for them to.

Moving on, I agree with you about your personal importance to the series, and I always have: Your intentions matter to Jennyffer; they deeply enrich it. And this is true in general. The creator's intentions matter, and when those intentions are lost, a part of the work is lost.

Now I want to end this with a talk about the characters themselves in this story. Jennyffer and Peter.

They are based on many many different things, things that i have descrived many times in the past. but one thing i want to put emphasis on is that they are very much two sides of myself. the sensitive, morally punctillious and enciclopediacly nerdy Peter, and the assertive, sarcastic and ebullient Jenny. those who have known me for a while would have seen my inner peter poke out whenever in talking about some interest of mine, or when i first met them and want to cause a good first impression, or when im kinda tired or melancholic. and they would have also noticed my inner jenny get out whenever im salty, or stuck in debate mode, or excited or enthusiastic.

They are two lovely kids. they are endearing, they are funny, they are a little messy and sometimes a bit too much to handle. but it was an absolute delight and a priviledge to have them live in my head for four years and im very greatful that i had the time, the energy and the will to bring them to life.

:333

Actually, I'm not gonna say anything in reply to this. I'm only gonna explicitly appreciate it.

[steddieunderdogfics]

This week’s writer spotlight feature is:  deadratz/@munsonkitten! They have 32 works in the Stranger Things fandom on AO3 and 31 of those are in the Steddie tag!

Our anonymous nominator recommends the following works by @munsonkitten:

the sound of silence

float among the wreckage

share the same space for a minute or two

you make me feel like i am whole again

sugar on my tongue

"In a fandom with over 20 thousand fics, it's hard to find fics that stand out, and Grim has so many that feel like a breath of fresh air for the characters. His specialty is exploring Eddie's trauma, past and present, and being patient with letting him heal in a messy, realistic way that tears your heart out and puts it back. Grim takes on topics that can be difficult to explain, like trauma and gender exploration, and puts them into words so perfectly. His fics are entertaining and heartfelt and always hot, no matter which one you open, you're in for a treat and he has some hidden gems! Regardless of what's popular, Grim stays true to the characters and it's easy to trust him with them, and that's something to appreciate!" -- anonymous

Below the cut, @munsonkitten answered some questions about their writing process and some of their recommended work!

Why do you write Steddie?

When Season 4 came out, I had lost all motivation in my old fandoms. I hadn’t written anything in months, but then I saw Eddie and fell in love instantly. As I was watching, I started to have this little thought like “is anyone else seeing this?” when I saw Steve and Eddie interact, and I ended up on AO3, reading through anything that looked good out of the 300 fics that came out in those first couple of days, and then I kept reading, and I was completely inspired. I was pulled in, and I tried to write something between volumes 1&2 that didn’t go anywhere, but I didn’t want to give up on them because there was just this pull that kept me thinking of them, and then, of course, we saw Eddie’s fate and I immediately had to rectify that in my own way. I love writing Steve and Eddie because they come from very different worlds, but as a queer punk who also played sports in high school, I know firsthand how those worlds can collide and I can relate to both Steve and Eddie and how they fit into their places as the freak/jock. There’s also just a certain coziness that comes with writing Steddie for me, like they’re familiar and something I can find safety in. They’re both complex characters with traumatic experiences and there’s comfort in that and there’s comfort in being able to process my own life through the perspective of the two of them and apply different things to their canon personalities and backstories. It really comes down to, like, even though they’ve fought monsters, they’re really just regular guys, too. They’re relatable and accessible because their lives are pretty average without the monster stuff. I don’t find myself wasting time doing tons of research about certain jobs or lifestyles as I have with other pairings in the past. Steddie has just given me a lot of freedom to do what I want.

What’s your favorite trope to READ?

There are so many tropes that I love. I think a lot of them depend on how they’re written, of course, so even tropes I don’t typically like to read can end up being really good to me. My go-to answer for this is usually pre-dating sharing a bed/only one bed, whether they’re sharing because they get paired up together on a trip; they’re laying low at Steve’s and Steve needs to keep an eye on Eddie while he’s healing; nightmares bringing them to each other in the middle of the night; or one of them just crashing in the other’s bed. I think there’s something so intimate about the way these scenes can be written, something very vulnerable that I just love. There’s a lot of trust that goes into being comfortable enough sleeping near someone else, and I think it’s a really good way to start Steve and Eddie’s relationship. I also love, love like any kind of friends with benefits situation where they’re obviously pining for each other and completely in love but try to pretend the things they do together is just “helping a friend out,” while mutually being in denial of feelings. It serves for great tension and there’s always really good pay off when they start dating.

What’s your favorite trope to WRITE?

My answer for this is really similar to the last one. First and foremost, I write what I want to read. I’m just very drawn to these kinds of fics with pre-relationship intimacy that turns into something solid between them. So I love writing only one bed and pining/fwb/friends to lovers fics as much as I love reading them.

What’s your favorite Steddie fic?

It’s hard to choose just one favorite after almost two years of reading Steddie fics, but some real stand out fics for me that I’ve read fairly recently have been Trouble Looks Good on You by indelicate, Metamorphoses by fastcardotmp3, Play it Right by stereobone, and Doing Nothing with You by redoaktree. All of these give such nice depth to the characters and their situations and have stuck with me. “Trouble” is still ongoing, but I trust Rue (indelicate) with these characters so much that I can say it’s one of my favorites without having the entire fic yet. It just hits so many of my boxes for Steddie, has all the right factors for a phenomenal fic, and stays so true to the characters in my opinion.

Is there a trope you’re excited to explore in a future work but haven’t yet?

I have so many plans for upcoming fics, but one I’ve been trying to find time to write for over a year now deals with a lot of grief/mourning of a loved one and includes rockstar!Eddie with a good slooow burn. It’s all things I’ve somewhat explored, but want to really expand upon with this one. I feel like I haven’t written a proper slow burn, either, because I tend to do fwb situations with slow burns on the emotional aspects and admitting feelings part of their relationship, and I want to do a full slowburn in more aspects of their relationship. 

What is your writing process like?

Usually I’m inspired by something, whether it’s a situation that happens to me or something I see on TV, and I think about what kinds of stories could be told with those elements. Sometimes I take one trope and try to build a fic around it, sometimes I see a tiktok or a scene in a show and decide I need to use that in something. Other times, I just have a sentence in my head that I have to write down and it turns into a whole page and then suddenly I have 5k words. A lot of my process is spent brainstorming with friends, talking through scenarios and seeing what kinds of responses they get, other times I have an idea and I run with it and don’t tell anyone until it’s done. There are some fics I’ve fully outlined and then gone in completely different directions, and there are some fics I never wrote down a single note for. I’ve had a few fics that started as just single sentences and turned into paragraphs and merged them with other ideas in other documents. My process is kind of chaotic and always changes, if I’m being honest, but it works for me. I think it entirely depends on the mood of the fic I’m trying to write, how much research goes into it, and how long it’s going to be, and all of that. Sometimes I’ll sit down to write something fully knowing it won’t go anywhere just to get me into a writing mood. I’m really all over the place with my process.

Do you have any writing quirks?

I don’t know if this is really a quirk, but I’m the type of person who will go weeks without writing anything and then suddenly have an entire chapter or oneshot finished in two days. I procrastinate until I realize I need to do something or until inspiration really hits me and then I just lock it in and write nonstop until it’s done.

Do you prefer posting when you’ve finished writing or on a schedule?

This is kind of fic-dependent. If I know for sure that I have the time and motivation for a story, I post as soon as I get chapters finished. If I know I don’t have the capacity for another long form fic, I’ll write out the first chapter and leave it in my drafts until I get a bit further on it, just working when I’m between other projects or stumped on something else. I wouldn’t exactly say I post on a schedule because it’s nowhere near consistent, but I’ve never finished a full multi-chaptered fic before I start posting. I do write a lot of oneshots and two chapter shorter fics, though, so those two chaptered ones are usually close to finished before I post them.

Which fic are you most proud of?

Hands down, the sound of silence. They’re not done yet, but ‘you make me feel like i am whole again,’ and ‘sugar on my tongue’ are also up there with ‘sound of silence.’ It’s my longest fic in this fandom (currently) and my second longest fic I’ve ever written. I put so much of myself into this fic and I’m just really proud of myself for it. There were some definite challenges with this one, with one character in the main pairing barely having any dialogue for the first half of the fic, with the other half of the pairing navigating his newfound sexuality and his life being turned upside down yet again, and I also have a few outsider POVs like Wayne, El, Robin and Hopper sprinkled in there, which is always difficult to work in for me. I’m proud of myself for doing all of that and finishing it.

How did you get the idea for the sound of silence?

This fic started as two separate documents, just unconnected pieces of different stories, both of them hitting dead ends with no hope for continuation. I had started with just a simple idea of Wayne and Steve meeting after the events of season 4 put Eddie in the hospital, and I wanted to show the way Wayne cares for the people who love Eddie, and that ended up becoming the beginning of the fic once I put all the pieces together. The other document I had started around the same time was a short Wayne POV about living with Eddie after S4 and the person he turned into after losing so much of himself. I wanted to explore the idea of someone as loud as Eddie going non-verbal for weeks to months at a time (something I explored in a different fandom, so that sort of inspired me to write SOS too), and when I finally put those together, it just felt like everything was so clear to me and I took off with these ideas.

When writing float among the wreckage, what was something you didn’t expect?

Oh boy. This one was actually difficult for me because I wanted it to be a hate sex fic, and I realized I’m just incapable of making Steve and Eddie hate each other at all. I did something like that one other time earlier when the fandom was still pretty new, but wreckage came to me nearly a year into writing them and I’d really cemented the idea of these characters in my head, and it was just… Very unexpected that I struggled to tap into that tension and hatred. It ended up being less about hating each other and more about misplaced/misidentified feelings in the end.

What inspired share the same space for a minute or two?

I think my friend Teddy actually gave me the main idea for this one. An end of the world “I’m going to die a virgin” apocalypse setting during “season 5.” From that, I just started writing and saw where it took me, and I’m happy with where I took it. Sometimes all I need is one sentence and then I have 11k words written in just a few days, and that fic was one of those times.

What was your favorite part to write from sugar on my tongue?

This is a really hard question because I love so much of this fic and it’s still ongoing so I might still write something I love even more than any previous parts. Without giving too much away, it’s probably a tie between their first smut scene in chapter 1, their club night in chapter 2, and the part in chapter 3 where Eddie’s walking down the road after he runs out of gas and has a lot of introspection about his life and how he finds safety in Steve. One of my close friends told me the writing in that last part was beautiful and I’ve since decided it’s one of my favorite things I’ve written.

How do/did you feel writing the sound of silence?

Sound of Silence was very cathartic for me. I’m so proud of this fic and it deals with so much I rarely see in fanfiction – some of the topics are unsexy and there are a lot of symptoms of mental illness that are highly stigmatized that people just might not want to read in a story. But I knew it was the story I needed to tell for Eddie, mostly, but for Steve, too, and for myself. It’s not always happy, but it’s real to me. Life can be ugly and people can be volatile and traumatized and struggle with sexual function and have undesirable compulsions, and writing that whole fic felt like a release in a way because it’s stuff I relate to and stuff my best friends have also gone through. And the comments on this fic have made me feel seen and less alone in the things I struggle with that I had Steve and Eddie struggle with, as well. I think it’s just really important to have those fics that give at least one reader some comfort in their own situations.

What was the most difficult part of writing you make me feel like i am whole again?

This fic is about gender identity and pregnancy and love and all sorts of stuff that can be hard to put into words. I’ve never experienced a pregnancy, so there’s a lot of research that goes into that, a lot of reading firsthand accounts and finding out all sorts of things that weren’t taught in sex-ed classes. It’s also been a very vulnerable fic for me because Steve and Eddie both experience gender in ways that I do, too. Every time I write about identity and dysphoria through them, I’m putting parts of myself on display for others, and that can be hard, especially when people don’t always understand. I’m very protective over this fic, and I’ve had to defend aspects of it from people who can’t always accept other people’s experiences with gender identity and queerness. That’s been difficult, even well meaning comments can come across as criticism when the writing is so close to home, and it’s been a struggle to keep my head on straight with this one. But as difficult as that may be, the pros outweigh the cons with this fic. It’s so rewarding when people DO relate to the things I write about, and it’s been validating for my own identity and I’ve been told so many times the fic has felt validating to others, too. So as difficult as it can be, I wouldn’t change anything. 

Do you have a favorite scene and/or line from any of your fics?

I mentioned this bit of sugar on my tongue earlier and I think it’s my current favorite, but I have so many scenes and lines from other fics I’d consider my favorites: The sun beats down on his face and arms. He’s burning, red skin and hot tears. He feels like he needs to crawl out of his own skin. To leave it on the ground and walk away someone else.  Someone who doesn’t have to deal with Al Munson, doesn’t have to deal with a town that hates him for things he didn’t do. He wants to be someone who doesn’t have to be Eddie Munson at all. He just wants to be someone else, to feel safe in the skin he wears.  He thinks Steve might be the only person who makes him feel that way, even if it’s only for a glimpse, a small fraction of his life. Even if it’s just in the quiet hours of the morning when they’re curled up in Eddie’s bed, or when they’re just two boys kissing in a bar where no one knows their names. He wants to feel like that again. Safe. 

Do you have any upcoming projects or fics you’d like to share/promote?

I’m helping with a Sub Eddie Week event in April, so if anyone wants to do a fic or art for that event, you can find all info @subeddieweek. Most of my upcoming work is going to be made for this event, so stay tuned.

Thank you to our author, @munsonkitten, and our anonymous nominator! See more of deadratz works featured on our page throughout the day!

Writer’s Spotlight is every Wednesday! Want to nominate an author? You can nominate them here!

[ciaossu-imagines]

How do you think Nanami would propose to his significant other? Like in a perfect world where everything he might need for it is at his disposal, how do you think he'd do it?

C

Oh, this is a really cute and fun question! Thank you so much for sending it in. I always have a lot of fun thinking of and writing for Nanami, so I hope these headcanons won’t disappoint!

Although Nanami is a very practical and logical person, who sees the benefits of marriage through a practical, financial, and logical lens, isn’t without his own romantic streak. Despite all the benefits being married would bring, he’s not someone who rushes right into marriage upon becoming very serious with his relationship. Even when he knows that his partner is ‘his person’, even when he knows that they’re the one he’s going to spend the rest of his life with, he takes his time with the relationship, building it up and experiencing as much as he can with his love before he even begins to seriously think about proposing.

Because he is someone who realizes that a proposal is about two people, not just the asker, but the askee, when he does get it in his mind that it is about time to propose, he will start guiding conversations very subtly towards the topic of marriage. How do they feel about marriage at this point? Are they traditional in their views on how it should go? Is his partner someone who needs his to ask for their family’s blessings? What kind of ring would they prefer? What do they think of public versus private proposals? Do they want it to be a grand occasion or something simpler?

Like I said, despite being a straight-forward sort of person, Nanami is going about this in a rather subtle manner. He wants his partner to know that he does have marriage on the mind, that way it doesn’t shock them too much when he does propose and they have some time to figure out whether that’s something they want with him as well before he puts them on the spot. But at the same time, he doesn’t completely want to ruin the surprise and the experience of being proposed to for them.

He’ll bring up things like a ‘video he  saw earlier’ that’s a huge public proposal to see how they react to it. He’ll ask them out to do errands with him and just coincidentally has something that needs to be dropped off at the jeweler’s, giving him an excuse to see what style of ring and jewelry his partner looks at the most or comments on to him.

He takes all that information, along with everything he knows about them, to really personalize the proposal to the two of them.

While he’s not one for grand, huge gestures of love, and would personally prefer a small and intimate proposal scene, if it’s really important for his partner to have this big public proposal, he would find a compromise between the two and pop the question at a dinner he had invited their friends and family to.

If his partner, like him, wants the proposal to be simpler and just between the two of them, Nanami waits patiently for just the right day. It’s a day that’s been really rough on his partner. They’ve had a time of it, are sad and a little grumpy, they just need something to cheer them up and some time with their favourite person – him. He knows the feeling – he feels it on his bad days too. So he makes them supper. He asks them to go for a walk with him afterwards and while his partner is getting ready for the walk, Nanami slips the ring into his pants pocket.

They walk to a quiet, pretty little park and they lean against a little kissing bridge, looking at the water and the beautiful pinks and oranges of the setting sun in the sky when Nanami pulls out the ring. Opening the box, he turns to his partner and tells them how honored and happy he would be if they married him.