#thoughts_of_a_lazy_mind

[im-that-random-girl]

How did it feel?

When you kept yourself guarded-

Stone faced and iron hearted.

How did it feel?

When they barged in, all things disregarded.

Brought in sunshine and your walls melted.

How did it feel?

Running through flower fields

And being more happy than you thought you could be

Now how does it feel?

When they pulled all of that from under your feet?

They came in like a storm and left with the breeze.

Traces left behind on your skin like feathers on your fingertips

How does it feel?

Do you feel cold and empty?

Do you again keep yourself guarded?

Stone faced and Iron hearted?

[acollectionofwordsunspoken]

2021/07/15

Rage

A fit of anger-

I might step out of line.

I may spew crude words to you,

Before my tongue found the time to refine.

Sharp truths laced with my pain,

May find you before you can defend.

But please forgive my actions,

I only cared about you till the end.

But today you fill me with rage-

And all you will witness is a smile.

I take all control back from you,

And all beautiful moments intertwined.

If you thought you could ever see my cry,

Oh, I regret to say- for you, misery lies ahead.

I'll make sure you see me happiest, my dear,

While all I see is red.

[im-that-random-girl]

I wish, I wish,

I was more.

More than who I am today,

To do more, to be more,

To help more, to love more-

To give more and to receive more.

I wish, I wish,

I knew how to be less.

To take less spaces,

To be less loud,

To be less of a problem.

I wish to do everything and to fade away to nothing.

I wish to be freed from this pity party I'm hosting.

[im-that-random-girl]

I hope you are happy with the decisions you made.

I hope that your regrets don't keep you awake.

I wonder how your regrets changed from the past year?

I wonder if your conflicting emotions finally cleared?

I hope you stay happy with the decisions you make.

I hope you aren't only left to ponder over your mistake.

[im-that-random-girl]

I'll never wish bad on your heart,

I promise.

Break mine, let it shatter-

Then deny it all.

Make me the bad one to curse you.

But I'll never wish bad on your heart,

I promise.

I wish for karma to play it's part,

I hope you only get what you deserve.

Lest you never broke my heart,

May yours never even chip.

Fear nothing my dear.

But if you find karma in your path-

Let it let you fall in love-

Let it break your heart.

[im-that-random-girl]

26/05/2022

-

And nothing takes away the pain,

Nothing lessens the ache.

So I go back,

If the burning desn't seize,

I'll set myself on fire-

Combust to ashes, scatter by wind.

I hope no one finds me hereafter.

I hope I don't find myself.

[im-that-random-girl]

The path you choose

You've wondered too far,

You've forgotten who you are.

Let down the ones you love-

Yet given up too much.

//

You once made a deal with time,

But it's slipping by too fast.

Now you can't borrow from the future

To make up for the past.

//

You forsake all you hold dear,

For a dream that is not your own,

For you would rather live a lie

Than to face yourself alone.

[im-that-random-girl]

Love//Patience

Once I learned that love was patience,

I finally understood-

Why I was convinced,

I was unlovable.

Why I loved more than anyone,

More than they loved me back.

A million pieces fell into place-

I finally understood

That love was patience.

And in the haste to be perfect-

In the eyes of the world,

I forgot to forgive and wait for my ownself.

I no longer accept sweet words with empty calories,

Unless you can wait for me at my most bitter.

Now that I understand -

That love is patience.

You are welcome to sit beside me,

While I no longer strive to be perfect,

And navigate this new found world.

And maybe I'll sit beside you,

Patiently.

[im-that-random-girl]

What a gamble

Will I get better?

Will I get worse?

Will I get break before I can break the curse?

Come watch the thrill of this comedy-

A satire of an unfortunate tragedy.

This life is a joke

That lost it's humour long ago.

Twists and turns- this story doesn't lack.

Will I get through before the screen turns black?

But the theatre is empty, no witness in sight

The curtain closes in the dead of night.

[im-that-random-girl]

If you never treated me bad,

Then I hope someone treats you as well as you do.

I hope that you fall in love with them.

I hope you fall so deep that you don't even remember my name.

But I hope you remember what I said.

I hope they give you all of what you so righteously gave me.

I pray, that you get the fairytale you presented to me.

May you forget my name

May I forget yours.

But may you learn the same lesson,

That I learned

The hard way.

[im-that-random-girl]

2021/08/11

Game

Today i wear my heart on my sleeves.

For I've started a new kind of game-

And spectacle for all to see.

I'll pour my heart out to you,

And you make a ridicule out of me.

The game ends when my heart is broken-

Shattered beyond repair.

You'll leave, realized you were mistaken,

I don't have what you were looking for.

But you knew that before you came here,

You knew

You knew

You knew

I knew

I knew

I knew

I know.

But I play this game anyway,

I wait for you to tear me apart.

For this might be the only time

I feel something in my heart.

[acollectionofwordsunspoken]

2021/06/14

I know// Second-choice

I know.

I know you search for her,

While your eyes are on me-

You look right through,

While i write love letters to you.

I take your pain and all your distress,

And you give me words you wrote for someone else.

I know it all,

I feel it all in my heart;

When i look at you,

I know it's all true.

I'll pick up your mess ,

And broken shards you leave behind

Its always the same-

Im just an afterthought in everyone's mind

You think about the past

And fear the future,

While I pass by you in the moment.

As I reach out for you

I know you aren't here.

Yet i silently bear this torment,

That knows no end.

Do you feel no guilt?

Or do you think I dont realize?

Just because i dont call you out on all your lies?

Do you take solace,

At the thought of my ignorance?

Do does it not even matter in the end?

But I know those eyes.

I know when they look at mine,

You dont see my anger,

You dont see my pain.

You just search for someone that you can no longer find.

But I dont know what to do

Keep my silence,

Or bring up the truth?

All I want to be is happy,

And the first choice to you.

[acollectionofwordsunspoken]

2021/05/02

Almost.

Some days cotton candy sunsets bring storm clouds.

On those days, happiness feels like sand-

Slipping away, even though

You thought you had it in you hands.

Almost.

Some nights the thousand stars twinkling in your eyes

Remind you that you stand alone.

On those days, your voice feels hollow-

In a crowd, the words feel incomprehensible,

They hear it all, but meaning passes through them.

Almost.

Those days come without warning;

And they long overstay their welcome.

Those days bring promises of beauty and peace,

But they take more than they give.

Those days hit worse each time they come around,

And they around stay a bit longer.

But now I welcome it's cruelty

I await the melancholy.

I adorn those days with pretty flowers,

I paint the sad thoughts with bright colours.

The melancholy isn't that bad company

And it's irony makes it less lonely.

Almost.

[acollectionofwordsunspoken]

2021/05/28

On Days That the Universe Swallows Me Whole

On the days that the universe swallows me whole,

I forget that my existence

has touched other souls.

I forget that there is a world

Beyond the void-

That isnt bleak

And isnt grey.

On days like this,

I forget you exist.

On the days the universe swallows me whole,

The air around me forgets that i need it.

My lungs collapse into itself,

My eyes pick flaws off of a mirror

That no longer reflects me.

Words condemn my lips

And my dry tongue,

A graveyard of screams never voiced.

On days like this,

My body forgets that i exist.

On the days that the universe swallows me whole,

I become a part of a world that didnt need me.

On those days i move to a bigger prison-

That allows no visitors,

Even if it is surrounded by people.

I am swallowed within a crowd,

That didnt witness my disappearance.

I become both the void and infinity

I feel everything and nothing;

As I watch everyone walk by me,

Oblivious to the execution in plain sight.

On days like this,

The world forgets I exist.

[acollectionofwordsunspoken]

2021/05/17

Façade.

I am tearing apart at the seams-

These hasty stitches don't last for long.

Don't look inside.

I don't know what you will see.

Some days I am empty,

Some days I am all things ugly.

My mask is chipping away at every edge-

This facade doesn't last for long.

Why did you try to peer inside?

You will never like what you'll see.

It's only a matter of time before you leave,

But I promise my intentions weren't to decieve.

I don' know how to wear my own skin.

I don't know how to live my own truth.

So I put a hundred locks on my tongue,

And a thousand on my heart.

I ask you to keep your distance for your own sake.

Because each time you get closer,

These locks are tempted to break.

But all that awaits is misery and pain.

So don't let yourself suffer

For this life wasted in vain.

[acollectionofwordsunspoken]

2021/03/26

Whose Fault?

Was it me or you?

Whose name do we write?

Was it lust or greed?

Or do we chalk it all up to pride?

How do I explain this mess?

How do I narrate this story?

As a tale of a failed romance?

Or an ode to an epic tragedy?

Questions,

Questions,

Too many to count.

I dont have the answers you want,

Even if i witnessed it all play out.

I witnessed your cruel envy,

While i took the heat of your wrath;

I guess there is no end to this suffering,

And no escape from your fears.

Now, i beg you to give up chasing all that isnt yours,

For this hopelessness I can no longer bear.