#trying and failing

[loveandleases]

To end the demo on a cliffhanger or to not end the demo on a cliffhanger? That is the question of the day.

[daemon-in-my-head]

Looking at my iPad like it's a boss enemy chanting to myself

I like art. I like drawing. I love creating portraits. It brings me joy. It brings others joy. I don't suck complete ass at it. I can do it. I want to do more studies. If I repeatedly tell myself this, I'll find the strength to unlock my fucking iPad and work.

[extrashortshorts]

If buggy drawing doesn't look like right

just open his big mouth, fixes half of it

[imalsorettish]

Ive been processing materials all week trying to make clay. Heres how it went, ill add to this as the days go by. this is just a recap

Gathered clay from my folks backyard. The soil there has always been shit to grow things in because its so high in clay. And the clay sits directly at the surface as well, its not just a foot down or anything. the whole fucking thing is clay. Ive tried to do this once when i was much younger, less even paced, and far more impulsive. It wasnt successful for a number of reasons.

- Got the material wet before i could even attempt to refine it down to just clay, which then meant id have to pick thru sludge with my hands to remove rocks and other debris.

- I decided to let the bucket sit to dry out, and then i never picked it up again.

- Straight up didnt know what i was doing. Well, i knew the essentials. It was obvious we had clay. I knew it had to be wet. It occurs to me now that i might have had an easy time recogbizing what was there and what to do because my grest grandparents were potters. My Mémé (Great grandma, ik it says meme. whats truly hilarious is she married a guy called pepe.) was a BITTER and mean woman. She and my grandmother would let me play with clay while i visited them, but i dont have good memories of this. I didnt investigate the craft due to the discouragement i got from them both. i found it intensely frustrating and it really clashed w my adhd.

- Clay takes a LOT of patience to work with. Even more to source it yourself and fiddle with the consistencies and ratios so u can manipulate into an actual piece, and EVEN THEN its not guaranteed that it will work well at ALL. Pieces often crack, dry incorrectly, shrink up, and even explode esp in the kiln. I do not nor have ever had a pottery wheel or a kiln. My only goal to satisfy doing this, then, was just to make clay and do nothing with it at all. Just to try it, see what my capabilities were, etc. There was absolutely no plan.

Since then, I found myself thinking about clay periodically. Every few months or so id return back only to the idea, and then brush it off. But ive never quite shaken it. I was 19 then. I turn 24 this march. Its been 5 years. So im trying it again, because i want to, and because i found pottery that finally interested me and i think would be fun and challenging to make.

[les-bonbons]

I love how Lestat always has his hair pulled back into a demure little pony tail (tied with a ribbon no less!) when he’s around Louis’ mother. This silly vampire is really trying to make a good impression.

[goldandorange]

I’m trying really hard not to fall in love with every single ul.tra.m.an

[strawberry-scented-creations]

FMP UPDATE

FMP=final major project

Sorry that I've been inactive, I'm not good at actually posting.

For my FMP I was going to do a short horror film but that fell through badly because me and my actors all fell ill one after the other, so we changed the idea. Instead of a short horror film we are now aiming for the stars with a mockumentary about us failing to make the horror film! I thought this would be easier on me especially with the time restraint, I also had some material for it already from our first horror filming session because we can't do anything without bloopers.

I'll be posting some more posters that I've made for the mockumentary too so stay tuned for that!

[sufficientlylargen]

Advice not valid for skydiving, bull running, or explosives testing.

Hayao Miyazaki

[valtsv]

it's such a bummer that losing control of your emotions only makes the entire situation worse in really embarrassing personal ways. losing control of my emotions should give me pyrokinesis.

[calmmyfears]

in my calendar i put a little task for today that says "go outside and have a break" guess who's not going anywhere and is also not giving herself a break

[astrangertomykin]

So someone stole my parcels and I'm trying not to have a meltdown 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

[neonbluecrayon]

I started my mental health journey in 2023. I started my physical health journey in 2024. December 2024 the universe played a cruel joke on me by giving me some physical health problems (not life threatening just painful). I had to get surgery for part of it but it didn't take care of everything so I'm still dealing with chronic pain daily. Also still recovering from surgery and having some complications from that. I'm telling all of this to get to what I'm currently struggling with the most. People. I never knew until I started to get better mentally and get worse physically how shit everyone I thought was close to me is. And yes I always have this voice in my head that's like "common denominator is you duh". Coworkers at one job were shit because I wasn't physically capable anymore of doing all the things I used to be able to do. So I had to quit. Luckily my entire team at my second job has only been completely and unconditionally supportive and amazing, there are a couple of exceptions to the whole -everyone in my life is shit- thinking atm. Everyone in my family has been unwilling to help me in any way shape or form which is why I'm currently having complications after my surgery because my doctor's nurse said that "I'm doing too much". But I've never been (I don't even know the correct term and "bedridden" is so cringy to me, but I suppose it explains my current situation) stuck like this in my life before. I hate it. Not being physically active significantly contributes to some of the chronic pains intensity. And being in bed all day everyday is excruciatingly boring. Which is kind of funny because when I'm depressed this is how I normally live my life. My "friends" are shit too. I want to change my identity and move far away from everyone I know and live the rest of my life completely alone. Which is ironic because all my life I have absolutely abhorred being by myself. Which brings to the whole dating thing. I've been seeing the same person since 2023. It was supposed to be a casual situation. I accidentally fell in love with them last year. I've tried to end it because I know it's what's best for me, but I don't feel strong enough. They are moving away in a couple of months. We are cutting contact and I am simultaneously relieved and devastated. Ever since I was little all I ever wanted was to get married. Now I don't ever want to date again. I have a very strong "drive" which is going to be hard because I've never gone without for very long, but I don't want anyone touching me ever again. I never want to fall in love with the wrong person ever again. I've tried over and over and failed every time. Everyone's always telling me that I'll find "my person" someday. I know a lot of people that don't. I know a lot of people in bad relationships. I want to make myself happy. I want to learn how being alone isn't the end of the world. I know it's doubtful that I'm the only one who's ever gone through this or felt this way, but right now I feel like I am.

[mizusjawline]

Perhaps that is part of what makes us human: inevitably trying + inevitably failing. Because we are always trying. No matter how often we fail, we get back up, spit the dirt out of our mouths and try again. And again. And again.

Is that a gift or a curse? That no matter how often we get knocked down, we get up? Only to get knocked down again?

[antsypants444]

can’t force them to

[idratherhavefreedom]