#trying to get out of my mental problems pit currently

[blavatflowers]

' a promise '

[whentherewerebicycles]

.

I’m having kind of a bad brain day today and I can think of two to two point five reasons why but one of them is definitely that I feel a deep pit of dread in my stomach about work a lot of the time lately. I think for a while I got a brief reprieve from the bad feelings because I’d submitted those three applications and was feeling like there might be some escape hatches still. but I think I now have to accept that 1) I’m not even going to get a first interview for these jobs, which is humbling and honestly kind of crushing, 2) given hiring freezes and the current state of higher ed there are not going to be other jobs opening up in my field anytime soon, maybe for years, and 3) this isn’t really a good time to be changing jobs anyway given economic uncertainty. so I think even though nothing about my situation has materially changed I am just right back in that headspace of feeling totally trapped. and even though I am trying so so so hard to look for the positive and to reframe stuff in a more positive way and to handle things maturely and to not take stuff personally and to just in general care less about work, it just takes like. constant effort to do that. and I am so tired of doing it and also just tired of feeling bad when so much else in my life is so good. I was so euphorically happy when I was on family leave and working at my coaching job and now I am just like. still very happy in other parts of my life but also sort of mentally trudging up a steep hill at all times. I feel incredible at 4pm on Fridays when I delete outlook off my phone but by 11am on Sundays I am sliding back into this state of muted despair. why does it make me feel so bad!!! I think I also feel shitty about it because I think other people would probably be able to brush this off and just be like oh that’s weird, seems like that person has some issues, and move on. but for whatever reason I am soooooooo emotionally flayed open by someone implying that I am not competent and speaking to me with barely veiled contempt in their voice. blah blah blah I can’t even write about it without feeling these sick awful stomach-churning feelings of shame. and then to bolster myself emotionally I have to keep reminding myself of all the people who have explicitly told me that this person is the problem, not me, that this person is the one who “doesn’t know the work” and is “in over her head,” and that this person lashes out when they feel unsure or confused, and that it’s not me it’s not me it’s not me it’s not me it’s not me it’s not me it’s not me it’s not me. but that ALSO feels bad because it reminds me of how stuck I am in an untenable situation and how everyone KNOWS about the problem but will not do anything to address it and just blahhhh!!!! blah!!!!!!! I have to vent these feelings here and then I must somehow make myself stop thinking about it because it’s ruining my entire sunday and I should get to count as working hours the hours I spend thinking about how to deal with this person.

[thunder-opossum]

I think the moink blog is a bad thing. Sure, it's cool but 1. Its providing unnecessary stress, and I dont want you to stress more than you already do. 2. Its getting kinda out of hand. And, my question, do you think the pros of the blog outweigh the cons? I'm not saying to ditch the whole thing altogether, maybe just take a while off from the blog. Now I'm aware I'm not good with words, but please seriously consider what I'm getting at here. Skittering away now.

Huff. Oh I complain a lot. If you are reading this i guess you want to hear me complain more

[Yapping and mental health stuff]

I've always had a problem with over working myself. My work ethic is unhealthy, go no stop. If I'm not done with it, but i can't work on it, it makes me anxious. I've talked with my therapist on this before, but I should probably re visit it.

I crave engagement with my art, I will literally get more depressed if a post doesn't get as much engagement as I thought it would. It makes me feel hopeless and unsuccessful. I crave feed back so much to the point where I have been pinning for negative feedback.

The Monk blog gets so much engagement. It gives my asks every day. I get likes comments people coming to me to talk about the blog, I've inspired people. But at the same time my main blog isn't enough for me bc of the monk blog..

It's so unhealthy and I am aware of that but my brain can't just flip a switch to fix it.

1:It is stressing me out. Time management, interactions, juggling the time line, and finding the line between breaking and making the blog. It's changing my behavior at school and home and keeps me fromnsleeping, it takes all of my time and that is all my fault. It's something I have to fix. But it's hard.

2: as i mentioned earlier, i have the need to preform well. Every ask left unanswered is a knife stabbed between my ribs. I let the odd ask get weirder, because people interact with that. And I get tunnel vision until it's too late. I starred at the NSFW asks all day. I reached out to mutuals to ask what to do (sorry abt that btw )my brain tugged back and forth between reasons I don't want to explain?

I can't just take a day off in my current state. But i can try to limit myself. But that means deleting so many asks. Crushing peoples hope to have their words replied to. I can try to limit how many posts I make. But that's difficult. And I'll try to start but I complain without taking action.

The pros of making a successful blog takes priority of other aspects of my life. And I know that is unhealthy, I don't feel good about it.

I'll try ill really try. My life is pitted against me... I can't say anything confidently. But thanks? For the effort? I'm sorry but being honest is all I can give you with confidence.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA/WIBTA for checking up on my abusive ex's current partner?

Everyone involved here is in our mid 20s and knew each other in real life.

🎑🎑🎑

I recently broke up with and then cut off my ex, for a whole realm of reasons that I won't get graphic about, including but not limited to emotional manipulation, borderline assault, faking a medical scare, threats against my life, endangerment, stalking, etc. The relationship was quite honestly pretty traumatic and it put me in a bad mental place that I'm only just now, months later, starting to crawl back out of with the help of therapy and a good support network. My Ex had another partner, who would really go to the ends of the Earth to defend my Ex. They were together for far longer than me and my ex (a few years or longer), and the two of them live together. When I was dating my ex, I got the vibe that the two of them were on shaky ground, but I had mostly chalked that up to me being in the picture and causing some tension, because they had apparently never fought and had been together for a long time beforehand. My Ex would also try to subtly pit the two of us against each other a lot, and as a result we weren't really friends, and any time the two of us would voice similar concerns my Ex would make a big deal about us "ganging up" on them, so we typically didn't talk about our dirty laundry with each other. When me and my Ex parted ways, even before we cut each other off completely, said partner blocked me completely and made it very clear that I was not to ever contact them, and I likewise blocked them. Looking back on shit, I feel really bad about how I treated my Ex's partner. For a while I continued to receive messages from them (from sockpuppet accounts, but I knew it to be them) defending my Ex after I cut them both off, but these messages always felt a little off, like they were defending my Ex to themselves more than they were to me. Eventually I caved and figured that if they were content violating my boundaries to check up on me and keep sending me messages, I was in my right to check up on them. So I did. Apparently my Ex and this partner are still going through a rough patch, because the partner has been posting a lot of personal accounts of abuse strikingly similar to what I went through, alongside what seems to be sexual coercion as well. I feel disgusted, and part of me wants to reach out, but part of me knows it wouldn't do any good right now because they're still very defensive of my Ex, and they kind of see me just as a blatant villain who just hates my Ex. But at this point, I know I'll probably keep checking in periodically, mostly because I feel guilty for how I treated this person and I also know that they have NO support network outside of their current (abusive) relationship. I also just wanna make sure this person doesn't off themselves or something, really, and I want to be prepared to jump in if I need to. I know this "isn't my problem" but I'm probably taking it upon myself anyway all things considered. So, with that said, does that make me the asshole? Am I being a piece of shit for checking this person's socials after they blocked me, even though they did the same to me? etc.

[kobbers]

I continue to love Dwarf Fortress' ability to tell you a story, if you're paying attention.

My current fortress is my first time back in DF in a good 5+ years, and obviously first fort in the shiny new Steam version. I've been a little impulsively reckless because I tried out the tutorial, which autopicks your starting location and supplies. I breached the caverns, had some Fun sending squads after forgotten beasts a little above their level, and after an ettin dropped an adamantine slab on death, that winter's goblin raid spiked to ~100 strong. Most of my soldiers were wiped out stopping the wave of goblins who'd managed to climb over my half-roofed-pasture walls, but the fortress endured.

We've been bunkered in pretty safely ever since, while I try to rebuild my military. The exterior has been secured and meatier defenses have been installed, and the caverns have been walled off while grotesque procedurally-generated monsters roam around down there and tear up all the native serpent-people and troglodytes. I'm not exploiting any mechanics to train my soldiers more quickly (yet), so day-to-day fortress management has settled into a largely hands-off routine.

Except for one very unhappy dwarf, one of my tavern keepers, who began appearing in the logs having mental breakdowns (stumbling around obliviously). These finally escalated to a full tantrum, where he started fistfighting everyone in sight until he'd burned off enough anger to calm down. The disorderly conduct landed him in jail - he served his time, but lost his cool again soon after. This time, he fatally paralyzed a fellow citizen in the brawl.

Back to jail he went. Desperate to try and manage his mood before his mental health reached irreversible lows, I sent dwarves to smooth and engrave his prison cell (dwarves appreciate art!), and build him a bed (to avoid negative thoughts about sleeping on the floor). Unfortunately he threw another tantrum while this work was going on, and killed another dwarf who was just trying to draw pretty pictures on his wall. (Interestingly, this all still counts as "disorderly conduct" and not murder to the justice system, probably because his intent was only to punch people. It just so happened that he punched them in the spine, and injured the nerves that allowed their lungs to function.)

I looked at the unmet needs in his profile. What could I do to help resolve some of the things that were making him unhappy, to help pull him out of the emotional pit he was in? A too-long unfulfilled need to be with family caught my eye. Sometimes you can't do much about this, because the dwarf left their family behind to emigrate to the fortress, but when I checked his relationships I saw his two children were babies. Probably in the fortress, then! Where?

When I zoomed to the location of one of his children, it took my cursor to an empty tile in the caverns, and I had a full-on flashback, suddenly realizing who this man was.

Forgotten beast, four years ago. A giant three-eyed spider invaded the caverns. I sent our primary squad of nearly-legendary fighters to engage, but there was a problem. It was sheltering up in the mushroom trees, spitting from range, and most of our troops used melee weapons. The captain of the guard threw herself into battle regardless, climbing into the mushroom tree and braving the beast's globs of deadly spittle. During the fight, the creature ripped one of the newborn twins she was carrying away from her (dwarven mothers, istg), and threw it out of the tree to the cavern floor. Then it did the same with the other twin. It followed them down and easily stomped them to death, and the captain flew into a rage. Their duel was sadly brief, but unlike so many fights where the loser passes out from pain/exhaustion and gets coup de grâce'd, she stayed on her feet and fought to her last breath. Her squad was able to finish the kill after she perished.

This was why our troublemaker was having such a hard time. I'd built a fancy tomb for my badass captain and the babies who fell in battle back when it happened, and this tavern keeper was the husband left behind. As goblins seiged the fortress and his pining for family only intensified over time, he'd finally reached his limit and could no longer hold it together.

I went back to trying to fix him, with the understanding that it was probably a lost cause. Maybe making sure he could have booze in jail instead of water would help? I waited for his next tantrum, where he helplessly canceled tasks to fight people because he was chained firmly to the prison wall. Then once he calmed, I swooped in and made a stockpile for alcohol that he could reach. Now to wait for someone to bri-- wait, what are those combat logs? There's no new tantrum ongoing, what...?

Turned out he'd earned a beating in addition to his prison sentence this time, and a fortress guard had finally come by to deliver it. The guard was armed, but as this was just a disciplinary beating, she only used her fists. Unfortunately she was still too strong, and it was the tavern keeper's turn to get a badly bruised spinal cord. I deflated a bit as I watched him suffocate, but couldn't help but feel it was a little bittersweet. He was no longer left behind.

[rottingdotcom]

i hope you learn to do kinder things with your time. i'm not sure where you got off thinking that you were doing good by attempting to socially punish someone for their mental illness. it was never any of your obligations to help cheavy at any point, and its baffling that you expected sympathy and pity because you regretted financially assisting him when he was in need. It was especially nasty when you tried to imply the 2000$ he gets in govt assistance is proof he is undeserving of that help. And I know you claim that deep down you "want the best", but if that were really true, you would have handled the situation like a rational adult and solved it person to person or blocked and moved on. the fact you went and deleted that post just goes to show you know all this was wrong to do in the first place. that being said the damage is still done and you've clearly only made his mental health worse and deleting the post will not change that. Human tar pit.

I have had Cheavy blocked for five months on all platforms. I have not unblocked him since the day he used five different platforms in an attempt to contact me after I blocked him on each one. If you had read the full statement, you would see that this was a result of months of this constant cycle of abuse.

I had resolved it on my end for a while until one of his victims came to me for help, and I realized that he had only gotten worse with his abusive behavior. That he had hurt more people and caused more harm to so many more people. That he had been lying about me for months and convincing people, such as you, that I was a one-dimensional villain.

I'm not a good person. I'm really not. I'm a tired, exhausted individual with loads of my own trauma and mental health problems to deal with, who wants nothing more than to see this individual finally stop continuing this cycle.

Cheavy is a repeat abuser. This is his behavior model. This is part of his long lasting, ever repeating cycle. The "psychotic episode" is one component of the "Begging for Forgiveness" stage of his cycle of abuse. As someone who was his punching bag for six months, and is now currently his scapegoat, I have learned to recognize the signs and the signals of when he is lying or being truthful.

Cheavy is not actually trying to kill himself. It's a final plea for sympathy and forgiveness. When he knows he isn't going to win with any of his other manipulative tactics, he resorts to threatening to commit suicide to force his victims into forgiving him and providing him with sympathy. I've called the local non-emergency line and spoken to their community response team (the mental health emergency team) multiple times. Every time we think he's attempted suicide, it turns out he hadn't even left his bed. It's almost always a false alarm.

I hope that Cheavy will one day accept their help and seek out more serious therapy to get out of this constant cycle. When I say we want him to get help, I really mean it. We want him to leave the Internet, get help from his local resources, succeed in college and graduate, maybe even make some friends in real life. We want him to live a healthy life. That's our goal.

But the first step he has to take is admitting he has a problem, and ending this cycle of behavior online. But until he does that, we want to prevent more victims from falling into his cycle.

[kokorrapebbles]

Okokok MY TURN TO SPEAK- *inhale* so Ive realized that (as a person with severe mania) my relationship with people is really really toxic and i need to shift my worldview from an overly extraverted one to a more introverted one because my messages in servers, dm’s, etc all look CRAZY, like dozens and dozens of messages from me and then like a single one from other people (normal people) so i need to just kinda learn to stop talking and like learn to be ok with being alone instead of desperately prying for peoples attention.

Currently im thinking about drawing stuff and/or working out as a replacement to talking to people since people have theyre own lives and its not realistic for me to expect people to make the time i try to for everyone since again people have theyre own lives

FURTHERMORE- I wanna be better, I don’t want people to be partially worried about me tweaking out because of my mental issues so Im gonna try and use this platform as my starting point for getting better and as i mentioned before im gonna be using exercise and art to try and subside the desperate need for human interaction 99% of the time.

The main reason for this sudden change is the tweaking out but I have a bunch of bad habits, beliefs, and just straight up self harming habits that if these mental problems were at the very least lesser if not non-existent, i wouldn’t do the things i do and freak out the way i do when im pit under pressure i cant handle and im not excusing it even if the things i say are realistically not terrible its still not a life i want to lead. I want to be better and for that I need to distance myself from people and kinda like, learn to be an introvert almost since most of my desire for people comes from bad experience and not who i am as a person.

Anyways, hopefully theres more art coming soon! I wanna try one piece a week then move to a piece a day when im better at consistency.

[theressomethinghappeninginparis]

All I can tell you about the next rooms I've been in is that I'm glad someone, probably Trent, was here before me. He could have cleaned up if you ask me, I haven't eaten enough to throw up, I just rush through the rooms and almost run in hopes of finding a safer place. Everything here is dead, sliced up, shot, or mutilated. I found a first aid box and took some painkilers and gauze bandage in case I accidentally hurt myself on anything here, literally no space in here that looks comforting and safe.

Transcript of the first page: This gummy cell had a dead guy inside, lying in his own blood. He had a number on his back- there were so many people down here, I wonder how no one started missing them? Or was someone looking for their friend, their relative? They had corpses in the morgue, laying on a metal table. It was freezing in there and creepy as fuck. The blood was dried and I didn't dare stepping in further.

Transcript of the second page: Further on I found dead inmate and a soldier(?). Someone want amok in here. Or did someone start an outbreak and thus the police or a private security group was involved? There was also a room with tubes similar to the ones I've seen before. But the things swimming in there were men(?) and I think there were horns(?) on him...ist this one of the nephilim I heard being talked about? Are these poor inamtes stripped of their souls and used as bodies for the nephilim? I wish I knew. Or. Think of it. I'm glad I don't.

Transcript of the third page: I came even deeper into the complex, downstairs, and I found this. I'm not sure what it is, it is hanging above a pit I couldn't look into. It's so deep into the ground I can't believe it's part of the sanitarium in the first place. When I went up a ladder, I saw this open door- I think due to the electricity that someone cut someone or something escaped. Let's hope it's not the Proto? What else could they have been keeping down here?

Transcript of the fourth page: My fake Strahov-pass got me into the files on the pc I found in a lab. I had to shove...the scientist a bit to the left. They talk about inmate number 42 and his medical record. They put him through so much, but why? There are mentions of "Proto cells", if this is the angel of death the inmate talked about? The horns I saw on the bodies of the bodies in the tubes were non-human. Not completely. If this really is the "Proto Nephilim" I pverhearf on the conversation, what would they do with its cells? I have an assumption, but I need more research. I think they want to revive the Nephilim with human beings...yeah what the hell.

Transcript of the fifth, sixth, and seventh page: Here's some papers I got for inmate number 42. I printed these out to take them with me. Does anyone know what is going on here? The man is named Hassan Ahmed Emin, and the doctor writing this is Melinda Everst. He speaks Turkish and needed a translator here. He reports restlessness, stress due to driving at night, fear of darkness, and feelings of loneliness. He has two allergies and then they list hsi current medications. They talk about giving him Proto cells, metallurgy on his hed, a lobotomy, Christ all this is so insane. So Eckhardt's fanclub is taking reandom people no one's missing and trying to revive the Nephilim so he can finally stay immortal? He is a rather skinny man and lost his weight in here. His history also includes seizures and neuropathy; lots of bone problems, and mental illnesses. His reports on his quality of life are high, but his emotional and physical well being is low.

I am continueing my walk through this mess and it's getting colder. I hope I'll come across a living non-hostile person soon, the loneliness is really creeping into me. There's another lab I can go in, but right now I'm resting again, hiding in a cell with a shelf I shoved in front. I really need this- this institute to have an end, I need some sunrays and, at some point, my old life back.

[athena5898]

Tumblr's Problem

For a long time, I've heard about "Tumblr's Community" and how toxic it is or how divisive it is and I honestly didn't get it. Why would that be? Is it just an age thing? (I hear most people on here are on the younger side) is it just how this community has come about from dealing with certain issues? None of that made sense. Then I tried to engage with someone in a comment section, and It happened. I hit a character limit. Suddenly my attempts to engage in an honest discussion came out pithy and curt....Just like Twitter.

See, I'm a social media manager. I am, sadly, very familiar with a variety of platforms and their quirks. I often think of it as being a warlock to a fey creature. Trying to talk to people about how algo's work honestly makes you sound like you have figured out a conspiracy of Pepe Silvia. I had thought Tumblr would have been a great place for discussion because you can make really long posts like this one, however, I hadn't really tried to do a whole lot of commenting. When I hit that character limit on a sensitive topic, I knew what the problem was.

Capitalism...again

See most algos and AI on these websites have one thing they care about most. Keeping you clicking and engaged on the website. They have had years of practice with this too. It's why Facebook is the pit that it is today. (https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2021/10/26/facebook-angry-emoji-algorithm/)

Have you ever wondered why Twitter never increased its limit despite many people asking for it? This is why and the same is true for Tumblr. The more limited people are to comment, the harder it is to figure out who is coming at you in good faith.

I'm not surprised, this is after all my personal social media brain dump place, I don't exactly expect Tumblr to be better (a simple scroll on the home screen shows how bad the algo use is for this website). However, I am disappointed. That feeling you get when you get a notification? That feeling of dread that it's someone going to make your day worse? It all stems from this anger formula. We are intentionally pitted against each other, fed with cookies and pats of likes and shares while having our noses rubbed into every bad opinion out there with no hope of discussion to find common ground or how we could be better. Every person is bad and an online troll waiting to pounce.

It doesn't have to be this way. As a social media manager, I have the strange position of sitting in the space between "The internet is a curse and we are better off without it" and "The internet is the best thing to ever happen to us/my interactions online are the be all of humanity's advancement and advocacy"

The internet and to that extent, social media is a tool. Like most tools, it's about how they are used and by who. Thoughslime had a video that is called "The internet is communist as hell" and I agree, however like many things capitalism has come in and has tried to wrestle it into submission and a tool for its own use. It's a testament to the inherent leftism of the internet that it has allowed resistance to this. (You just have to look at current Twitter to see it. If Capitalism had full control over the internet, we'd all just have to deal with muskland with no other alternatives, which is exactly why tech bros are obsessed with the "everything" app but that's a slightly different conversation)

Social media has allowed disenfranchised voices to reach out to each other and find solidarity. Social media has allowed right-wing conspiracy theories to become more easily available. Social media has allowed people to connect with those who they never would interact with, facilitating exposure to new a pathway from fear. Social media has caused apathy, despair, inaction, and other mental health issues. etc etc

The Luddites have been conveniently labeled as "anti-tech" when in reality they were the workers who designed and maitance of the very machines they supposedly feared. They were mislabeled because it allowed the ruling class to sweep their concerns under the rug. Concerns like worker replacement in a world that refuses to take care of people unless they provide for the ruling class. Shoddy workmanship in exchange for mass-produced shitty goods. etc. A lot of the problems that we face today.

Social media/algos/AI is no different. These things should be tools to further our lives and make it easier. However, instead, the capitalist hand reached in and snagged it for their own use.

Do not fall for the anger, the despair, the apathy, and especially the illusion that humans are only one thing. Let us work for the day when we celebrate new technology and jobs becoming obsolete/safer because it means more free time for all.

A world where people get what they need and are able to use the tools to contribute to their abilities.

Hopefully soon.

(TL:DR Fuck social media/tech/ai being used to oppress but never forget they are OUR tools and should be working FOR US)

[writ-in-violant]

🌳 🌺

Thank you!

🌳 What is your OC’s favourite way to relax after a stressful day? Do they have a favourite book to curl up with? A hobby? Or do they have a nice bubble bath and have an early night to bed?

Vivian tends to find something to read -- they're partial to poetry, both that of current Neathy writers and older classics like William Blake, Coleridge, Wordsworth, and the Romantics in general. Also, pulling out "Mrs. Frontispiece"'s poetry is always good to wind down and cheer up.

Blake feeds the cats outside his rooftop shack and pets them. He'd deny it is a hobby or a method of relaxing -- he'd call it gathering secrets and intel -- but it functions much like a way to de-stress. He likes the cats a lot, and they like him back (probably bc he feeds them routinely). Sometimes this hardened spy just ends up with a lapful of purring kitten and is like well. This is how i'm spending my evening I suppose.

Art likes sewing. Usually it's mending his own clothes after they get torn up by his day to day life, but he made money before coming to the Neath by repairing clothes (and poaching, but that's less relaxing) and still likes the ritual and repetition of mending things. Keeps his hands busy and keeps himself grounded.

Celestine saves up money to buy nice soaps and bath products and takes the most lavish baths possible. She's calling herself a lady now and by god she's going to live like one, at least when it comes to baths. Also, doing and removing makeup and the rituals of getting herself ready for either going out or staying in are their own kind of comfort to her.

🌺 What does your OC do to calm down when they’re scared or after a nightmare? Do they have any special comfort items or need to be reassured by a specific person? How do they handle this if they’re alone?

Oh boy. Vivian tends to climb onto the roof; if it's particularly bad, they'll start loosing a Storm-threnody or something similar. This isn't great for their mental stability, but they've gotten to the point of being a poet and scholar in Fallen London when sometimes you have to pit the nightmares you love against the ones that mean you can't sleep. They tend not to seek out other people during this -- most people cannot deal with hearing about Vivian's dreams, anyway.

Blake...well. Blake used to have a very solid way of dealing with nightmares. Liam was extremely good at getting through Blake waking up with a fight-or-flight response, and usually would make tea and hold Blake, who usually is nonverbal in these situations. Now...well, now that's not available. Blake still has a jacket of Liam's that he wraps himself in. It's stopped smelling like Liam, anymore. And it's hard to get the kind of tea that Liam always made, down here. So mostly, Blake just...tries not to sleep more than he has to. The nightmares are bad, but waking up is worse.

Art likes to get moving after a nightmare. Sometimes he'll go out for a run or walk, often he'll end up getting into fights on the way. Usually he wins them. Before he started having quite so many dreams of the Vake, though, he used to try to clean his house or do other similar chores, but these days...he starts feeling more and more stir-crazy after those dreams. Like he needs to be...doing something. Getting into fights...works. It works to calm him down.

My recent fic gave us a peek into how Celestine deals with nightmares. Initially, she'll just shut down and go into denial mode, compartmentalizing her problems, but after a certain point she needs to be around people. Typically she breaks into the house of someone who she at least somewhat trusts, even if she wouldn't admit she trusts that person in the daylight. Or whatever passes for it in the Neath. She also tries to find places that are brightly-lit and where she can at least hear other people, and where she's not stuck in a small space; she had claustrophobia even before she got buried alive.

Feel free to ask me more questions from this ask game: https://writ-in-violant.tumblr.com/post/727735080951463936/soft-oc-asks

[yyxandere]

YANDERE MAJIMA. THATS IT THATS THE POST

ੈ♡˳ 𝐌𝐀𝐃 𝐃𝐎𝐆

[♡]ー ꒱・！CHARACTER！:: MAJIMA GORO.

☆ - Art Credits: HATORI

✧.* gender/pronouns ─ 'You' pronouns

✧.* prompt ─ Yandere Majima Goro General Headcanons

✩.* note ─ Guess cane back from the dead (AGAIN) I tried my best to not make Majima OOC bc I haven't played yakuza for a while (just waiting for yakuza 8 lolz) and its finally my summer break!!, hope yall will love this one!!

✩.* TRIGGER WARNINGS ─ OOC Majima, Spoilers for Majima's backstory, Spoilers for Yakuza 0 and 4 Unhealthy Mindset, Blood, and Unhealthy Coping Mechanism

• Yakuza 0 Majima is a Stalker, Overprotective and Obsessive Yandere in his way.

• Majima is already stressed out in life, first his sworn brother; Taiga got sent into prison, getting tortured and for that, one of his eyes is gone, and just to tip it all of him getting expelled from the Shimano family. And with that, he was held captive in Sotenbori, each day his mental health was getting shittier until he fell down a hole he couldn’t get off, so no wonder why he turned into such vulnerable man.

• So when he meets you, a person who can distract him from all the things he has been feeling, he quickly attached to you. How can he not? You have such gorgeous eyes that make makes him tear up whenever he sees you, an angelic voice that makes him swoon and a such beautiful aura that can make him feel so comfortable around you, he just craves for it and wants to want more of it, but he knows what dangers and problem he will attract if he ever or even shows a single interest about you, may it be his other rivals or the yakuza. Yes, he yearns for your touch but he knows that he can't because of the chain around his neck. Restraining him; Holding him back. . .

• If per se we can think of a situation if you were kidnapped by Majima that time, Majima would be soft but most of the time a very tough (goofy) guy. He tries his best to make up for you like making time with you and stuff but those are rare.

• Majima would try his best not to punish you this time, but if you kept on escaping him, he would have a breakdown. This is what Majima stands for the most when it comes to punishing you. He will not physically harm you in anyways but he will start shouting and bawling his eyes out, he will tell you that he’s doing this for you and most of the time will guilt trip you to pitting him instead of actually trying to reason with him. He knows the cards is playing, but will he stop? We all know the answer to that.

• After all the shit he went through Yakuza 0, that's when the "Mad Dog" comes in, he finally has no restraining him from doing whatever he wants.

• Even if he's not the mad dog you can make him you make him go mad because of you starting making him smile like crazy. No matter how hard he tries, he can't control himself at times, he'll let out his feelings and let out the happiness that you bring to him. And when he finds himself wanting to show you his softer side, he will pour all of his love into you.

• Majima is a broken man so he’s secretly dependent on you, and because of Makoto, he would be even more fragile. But! Don’t even think that Majima would replace you over Makoto, Never! He would rather die than think that you’re just a replacement for Makoto.

• "Mad Dog” Majima is the opposite of his past self. Yes, his “Mad Dog” personality is just an act, that fact is true but his current “personality” is also a facade, a facade which his obsession grew and became too hard to contain and which caused him to be like this.

• Like I said before Majima is clingy towards you, he will show the streets of Kamurocho who you belong to even if you reject his advances you don’t have a choice but to stick with a crazy yakuza man.

• It’s pretty obvious but this current Majima is insane. Majima is Protective and at the same time so Jealous. One time a dude cat called you and before you can even turn around Majima is immediately in that man’s face pulling the man’s tongue out and slowly teasing the man’s tongue with his knife while having a crazy face but eyes full of fury. You physically had to pull him away but that didn’t stop Majima from hunting that man down and killing him brutally and dumping his body near a dumpster. 

• After a long hard day in the Majima family he likes it whenever you massage his temples, it gives him a great sense of comfort after beating guys who even looked at you a great punching, so never ask him about the dried-up blood in his fist mixed with fresh new blood in his knife.

• Getting punished by Majima this time is odd perhaps? I mean yes, unlike before he will not hesitate to lock you in his room and even make side remarks about hurting people you know or are close to, but at the same time he would come at you and will make you try to comfort him even if you are in chains and after that, he’ll leave you again. He has very odd moods no matter how much you stay with him you could never read his mood.

• Majima is greedy for attention from you, he would do very much outlandish things just for you, and God bless the person offices gets to ask you for directions because Majima could be giving them a death stare or being very touchy towards you while he’s behind you sniffing you which causes a person to ask another person.

• Overall which Majima you choose, you will always be with a very unhealthy man who’s fighting his morality while keeping you with no chance of escape. 

Accepting your fate you let your mad lover -Majima- take who abducted you and kept you in his house the same man you tried to fight back against but at the end of the day he always wins. As you slowly lose hope you let the same man lay down on your lap while the smell of strong blood reeking in his yellow boa print snakeskin blazer. You then started caressing his face while doing so Majima held your wrist then kissed it and looked up at you with eyes full of madness. 

“Oh, my sweet (Y/N)-Chan ya do know that yer will never leave me yea’?”

And with that, you knew that you could never escape. No matter how you escaped he would hunt you down like a mad dog.

[spookitordukeit]

Harper is spinning in my mind on a little microwave dish so ig it’s time to write more… I am burdened with inspiration…😔 Oh yeah! I’m calling this fic, Do You Know Who You Know?

Okay okay, so we’ve established that Harper is autistic. She was diagnosed at an early age thanks to Grandma’s insistence that she be evaluated. Grandma is also autistic and grew up not knowing until her like, 40’s. So she immediately clocked that child and said, ‘you’re not going to struggle like I did. Let’s go and get you all sorted, okay precious?’ And then didn’t wait for an answer lol.

Of course that didn’t help Harper be any more desirable in her parents eyes, but at least Harper knew and had grandma to help her.

Autism for Harper manifests Itself mainly in her emotions and communication styles. She’s highly empathetic, to the point of her own detriment at times. She originally struggled a lot with reading faces and body language, so she studied it obsessively as a younger child/teen. She’s very careful when speaking with people of high importance and often writes scripts for herself to follow. If it’s someone really important to her parents, she’ll write more then ten possible scripts just incase certain topics or questions comes up.

She really tries not to, but if something pops up out of left field and she has no previous experience or script to lean on, she’ll freeze or ‘blue-screen’ for a couple moments before she can come up with something. Harper trips over her words a lot more often when she slips up like that, so she always tries to be prepared for anything.

Harper is very sensitive to disapproval or rejection. She can pick up on it through a single twitch in the face or a tiny shift in tone. It puts a pit in her stomach and she’ll either start mentally backpedaling over her words to find the problem or try to shift the subject.

She can get irritated easily when put in an unfamiliar environment. She likes sticking to places or people she’s familiar with, and won’t go out of her way to try new things or meet new people.

With friends she has no scale. You’re either her friend or your not. She doesn’t have ‘close’ friends and ‘not close’ friends. If you’re her friend then you’re her friend, it’s nothing more complicated then that. She doesn’t understand how people have multiple types of friends or different groups of them. It’s something she’s never really gotten.

Harper gets quiet when she’s angry. Both to keep from saying something she’ll regret, and that she just can’t speak after a certain point. She either completely shuts down, or speaking just feels so hard. Like she’s a heavy weight and moving her mouth to speak would be like lifting boulders.

She gets burning and itching sensations when she’s upset or overwhelmed. It feels like her bones are buzzing and there’s ants under her skin. She’ll end up scratching at her arms and neck if it gets too bad. She tries, she really tries not to do it in public, but sometimes it just gets to be too much to ignore.

Her first reaction to something or someone unpleasant is to freeze. Then she gets ‘aggressive’. I put that in quotations because she’ll never throw down or get physical, but she’ll spit venom and hit you wear it hurts verbally. She studied people a lot as a child. It’s not hard to guess people’s emotional wounds.

Internally though, she’s a mix of Irritation, anger, anxiety and fear during those kinds of situations. So she tries her absolute best to avoid confrontation. A bit of a people pleaser, she is.

And as we know, having autism can also leave you at higher risks for things like depression, anxiety, self harming tendencies, and eating disorders… Harper was not lucky enough to avoid these. Not in her current environment, at least.

Eating is a bit difficult, she’ll try a few new things at least once, but if it’s bad the first time then she’s never putting that in her mouth again. Thank you very much. She likes just about any pasta, and hates pb&j’s. If there’s not something she wants to eat within her immediate vicinity(the fridge), then she just won’t eat. And sometimes she just forgets to…

After something stressful or upsetting, Harper will immediately seek comfort, whether she realizes it or not. Soothing sounds, repetitive motions and pressure are great. And if she has no one to provide it, she has tons of weighted blankets and massive plushies in her bed to turn to. Along with her cats of course. Harper will still buy new plushies in moments of weakness… no matter how large her collection has grown.

One thing about Harper’s soul is that it’s a bit of a time bomb. In her universe, most people are very open and transparent with there emotions. But being raised as what is essentially a modern aristocrat, and her tendency to overcompensate for her weaknesses (autism), Harper keeps her soul on lock down. To other people it just feels like nothing, but to Monsters, it feels like dead tv static. Unnerving to listen to and be around. And generally seen as either dangerous, or untrustworthy.

She keeps her emotions locked up, it took a lot of practice, but she mastered it to the point that she only slips up when she’s caught off guard. When that happens, it’s like a tidal wave for whoever is around. It’s like being in a quiet room for hours only to have a megaphone go off right next to your ear.

Harper tries her best, but sometimes her best just isn’t enough. And not everyone is willing to try and understand. Especially if they already have some… preconceived notion’s.

Augh. My fic concepts I posted a bit ago have been getting more attention lately, so mayhaps I will delve further…

I’ve already gone deeper into the Blue Joins The Bad San’s Gang idea, so next I think I’ll work on the anti-harem one >:3

Okay okay. Harper is our MC, and her sister is Kristen. They come from a very well off family, bulit off of high end jobs and generational wealth.

The parents are distant at best. Mother is a model and fashionista, and Father is the numbers guy everyone wants on their side. They all smile for the camera, but at home…

Kristen is the older sister and the apple of their parents eyes. The golden child. She and Harper look similar in appearance, some may even mistake the two as twins. They both have dark hair and bright eyes. They both have tanned and a rich, healthy flush that brings a warmth to their features.

And yet Kristen is the somehow always more wanted.

There’s nothing that Harper can see that would make her parents favor her sister over her, other then that Kristen is older. They get similar grades, receive similar awards. Get accepted into high prestige schools and make connections with people of similar standing.

They even share the same type of soul. And yet Kristen is always favored.

It leaves Harper to grow up angry and bitter. She’s not crass, no no. She wouldn’t purposely disappoint her parents. But she is snide and keeps a dark and curdling wickedness locked tight inside her. Something only Kristen brings out in her.

She is angry. Hurt. Shunned for no reason she can decipher. She’s quietly pessimistic and self sabotaging, she’s a confused, wounded animal who will flee at the first sign of rejection.

But Grandmother, her sweet, loving grandmother- she sees Harper. She knows her. She understands. She’s how Harper got diagnosed as a child, she helped Harper gain understanding on why she sometimes acted the way she did. Not that Harper knew what ‘autism’ meant at the time, but it was a relief for child-her to know that there was something different about her. It wasn’t just in her head.

Grandma is Harpers only friend for most of her life, as sad as it is to say. Harper spends her childhood and teen years running to Grandma’s with angry tears in her eyes. Face flushed bright red and blotchy. ‘Unbecoming’ Mother says.

Grandma never says anything like that. She just holds her tight and hums her old songs she likes to hum until Harper can speak again without her bones feeling ready to buzz out of her skin.

There’s no one to hold her tight and hum songs at Grandmas funeral.

It’s a long and aching affair that punches deep and bleeding holes into her already scarred soul. She grows even quieter, stewing in the black, broiling ichor that coats her thoughts every day.

She takes comfort in Grandmas house, left to Harper in her will. She doesn’t even care that Kristen moves in without so much of a hello, encouraged by their parents. It doesn’t matter.

She can keep Grandma close in the aged wood of the house. She can keep smelling traces of her perfum in odd corners, she can keep hearing her hum her old songs in the way the foundation settles. Harper can still keep Grandmas memory alive in her heart. And that’s all she cares about.

But living in the universal nexus, nothing stays simple for long.

Harper is in collage when the newest wave of verses appear from the mountains. It’s nothing new, verses pop up every few years or so, and either they stick around or go find a universe of their own to fill. It’s none of Harpers business what they do or where they stay.

… it’s none of Harpers business who Kristen befriends. It’s none of her business who she brings around in Grandm— Harpers, house.

Harper has her own friends that she brings around. It would be unfair of her. Nightbat and Metty are sweet. They care about her, they take care of her. They ask if she’s eaten and if she’s slept well. They hold her tight when she can’t speak, and they hum Grandmas old songs… her friendship with Nightbat and Metty is soft and gentle. It’s simple and unquestionable. Need a place to crash? Come stay with us. Hungry? Well me and Nighty made too much pizza last night, have some. Can’t sleep? Nighty’s real good at imbuing collars, and you know how strong his melatonin is. Can’t talk? Upset? Need a sec? Operation GH&H is a go!

It’s nice, and she wouldn’t trade them for anything. She’s… okay, with how life is. She doesn’t want anything to change. She can’t handle any more change.

… recently, Kristen has been bringing her new friends by. They look at everything in wonder, and Harper knows they must be the new arrivals. Blue is a loud and excitable fellow, eager to learn and conquer new ‘quests’.

Stretch is quieter, slouched in a way that Harper reads as purposeful. He talks slow and walks even slower. He looks calm, opting to hang back and observe his surroundings while his brother jumps from place to place.

She doesn’t quite know how, but her and Stretch end up talking. They watch each other, reading little movements and gestures, the things that go unspoken. It’s… new.

She isn’t sure if this is a good of bad new.

Kristen seems hellbent on bringing every skeleton Monster within a fifty mile radius into gran- Harper’s house. Harper hadn’t realized just how many verses had popped up this time. She counts five, if each set of brothers is from a different verse.

She isn’t sure why her older sister is dead set on befriending every one of them, or even how she found them all. She tries to keep her interactions with Kristen to a minimum. Harper has the whole of the attic to herself, Kristen can do whatever she wants down there as long as she doesn’t burn or break anything.

Things… get tense when Kristen gives her latest and most fantastical proposal. She’s always coming up with wild ideas, and sometimes they work. But lodging ten newly surfaced Monsters? Sure- they have the room, but…

But Blue is looking at her with stars in his sockets, and Stretch is trying (and failing) to not look as hopeful as she knows he is. Harper and him have talked, with all the new Monsters coming up at once, with five versus, finding homes, temporary or not has been difficult.

There’s an itch under her skin as she agrees, seeing Kristen look so pleased at having backed her into a corner makes her grit her teeth enough to ache as she excuses herself to take a walk.

There’s a parade of skeletons outside.

Harper gets into her car, fire ants crawling under her skin as she pulls up to Metty and Nightbat’s house. They don’t ask questions.

Harper doesn’t speak for the rest of the night.

It’s late so I’ll just leave this as is. Maybe I’ll expand more idk I’m eepy

[m1yabi]

"SILENT CRY"

"You can show me your tears that you've quietly hidden, to me."

Hyunjin x idol!Reader

Genre: Angst to Comfort

"Going through an endless loop of tears, self abuse, mental pain, breakdowns and selfless acts after forced smiles and fake affection is not easy, especially if you are going through this pitiful loop alone. However, your best friend, Hyunjin, pulled you out of that pit. After accidentally walking in you breaking down, he knew you needed a shoulder to lean on and a chest to cry on."

"Y/n, I told you to drink less coffee!" Your best friend, Hyunjin, said as he got your 4th cup of coffee for this day. "I'll start listening to you, when you listen to your self. How many coffees did you drink today?" You said teasingly. "..That's not important, what's important is you." He said with a sigh. "We are preparing for our comeback and next week we have a concert. Coffee is currently, the only thing keeping me stable." You jokingly said.

"Please just take care of yourself." He sighed as he hugged you. Your body stiffens. It's not rare for him to hug you, you just needed those words and that hug after everything. You can feel tears form, and you pushed him away from the hug. "..Ahem, I will. I have to record something and practice. Talk to you later." You said with a slight shake in your voice, which left Hyunjin even more worried.

You ran to your dorm and in to your room. Locked the door, straight to the bathroom, and washed your face. Trying to cover your tears with water. "Fuck. Why am I like this, so fucking sensitive." You clench your teeth as you mumbled to yourself. "Practice doesn't start till 5..its 2 right now." You said with a shaky voice, still trying to fight your tears. After fighting and trying to hold your tears, you conceded defeat. Tears streamed down as your knees collapsed onto the floor.

Hands on your eyes, wiping tears that came out endlessly. Bad thoughts came rushing through your mind. You bit your lip hard, making sure not a single sob was heard.

knock knock knock

"y/n? It's me Hyunjin. You forgot your phone!" Hyunjin opened the door. It seems that you didn't lock it properly. "Y/n?? Are you in the bathro..." as he opened the door, he was met with a side of you that he never saw. Your eyes as wide as his, mascara smudged all over your face, hair messy from scratching it a lot, and eyes red from the endless tears.

"Ah—Fuck, Hyunjin," You mumbled, immediately standing up and washing your face. "I was about to shower but shampoo got in my eye." You let out a chuckle. The chuckle he always heard. "Oh and my makeup is smudge because I kept washing my face-" you were interrupted by a hug.

"Stop. Please, just stop." He whispered into your ears. His voice was shaking, he sounded like he was gonna cry. "Hyunjin.." Your voice broke as your body collapse onto his, and you began to sob. You were gripping onto his clothes and crying onto his chest. "Let it all out." He said crying a little. He couldn't stand seeing you in such a state. He blamed himself for not noticing sooner.

You both stayed like that for a few minutes before you finally slowly stopped. "Let me get some water." Hyunjin said breaking the silence and standing up to get water. You grabbed his arm, "Please don't leave me." You said in a broken voice. "I'm not going anywhere." He said in the most gentle voice ever.

"I will always listen to your problems, don't be stuck in this loop alone. You can let it all out on me." He said hugging you tightly.

"Please, if possible, let out all of your tears that you've hidden, to me."

[rabbitgardens]

welcoem to my fuck house

Red | 22 | it/its | main blog

making this sideblog to meet people to play games with and justify my ffxiv subscription!

I dont have very much experience with mmos, and my histories with both gw2 and ffxiv are Falling Madly In Love With It Before Ive Even Beaten The Tutorial and Buying All The Expansions and immediately falling off because of some kerfuffle or another game catching my attention. But i wanna get back into them now!

this blog is a big fat work in progress so mind the dust, I’ll make a proper character list with art/pictures and shit Later

(current list under readmore!)

GUILD WARS 2 CHARACTERS

Revylin- it/any sylvari, cycle of dusk,mesmer. Just call it Revyl! My current main im using to relearn the game! Got converted to the nightmare court as a sapling for its higher than usual magical aptitude, had an Awful Time and was rescued by the Wardens before it could become a knight. Now travels around tyria pursuing a wyld hunt he cant remember (itll be fine!! itll come back to him itll be fiiiiiine) working as a dancer/storyteller before getting tangled up in the Plot

Irysel- she/they sylvari elementalist. max level commander from my original 2019 playthrough! idk if i’ll ever play her again but i remember having such a blast with elementalist i’ll probably try her again eventually

Rika Sunstalker- he/they ash legion charr thief. old dnd character made gw character! the campaign he was in stopped so now he only exists here! a gladium, formerly rika sunblaze, who got his warband killed?? Somehow??? and took the stalker name/joins a pirate crew of other disgraced charr to travel and see the world (still working his details out adldjd)

(I havent made these next few characters ingame yet, but plan to once im farther along!)

Irene- he/she sylvari, cycle of noon, guardian. Warden turned adventurer turned revyl's travelling partner (and eventual co-commander and lover!) Very devout dreamer with a strong sense of justice and desire (read: overwhelming uncompromising need) to be the pale tree's most devout, prized, heroic son. Travels around tyria working up the ranks of the vigil, trying very very Vewy hard to fuffil a wyld hunt she cant remember (all he knows is that it Must be tied to revyl. thats why she feels that way whenever revyl looks at her, right?)

Pyrotechnician Taz- she/mirror asura, college of dynamics, engineer. do not let her get in contact with revyl shenanigans will ensue

-------------

FFXIV CHARACTERS

Ciel D’luxe- he/they viera summoner/archer hes my little meow meow so full of problems. hes a drag queen. he has trust issues. hes trying to find love even though he thinks hes the wettest most miserable man in eorzea. his ex is hunting him for sport. the only reason he became a summoner was because he saw a carbuncle for the first time and Lost It. hes a bitch hes a lover hes my little booboo bear

(havent made these characters ingame yet but plan to!)

alta haragin- she/it au'ra pugilist/lancer (or pugilist/gladiator? i know i can technically have all three but shes gotta have two Mains yknow), Rapscallion Criminal turned pit fighter turned adventurer turned ciels girlfriend and co-captain of ciels adventuring party

drakaz verkach-he/him hroth hhhhheavy armor class of some sort. maybe he'll be the gladiator. the beavis to altas butthead. just here for a good time! please pay no attention to my myriad mental health issues/simultaneous identity crises

(this last guy is a joke character but i honestly cant gey him out of my head maybe ill make him a retainer like i wanna do with kaz)

nagayuki ittetsu-any pronouns au'ra(?) spellcaster who wants to ammase enough power to Become A Primal. he is always and forever getting tricked by ascians/beast clans/random fucking guys and gets Almost Murdered several times-

[notquiteaghost]

i dont think bruce wld ever actually forget if a kid is his or not, not cuz he isnt frequently very very tired or cuz he doesnt have a child acquiring problem, but cuz the reason that man functions at all is hypervigilance yknow. he is very aware of who is and isnt supposed to be in his house. he is checking the current occupants of his house against a mental list every five minutes on a good day. dick's here barbara's at the clocktower jason's at the alley safehouse tim's here steph's here cass is here damian's at the kent's duke's here alfred's here okay.

but i do think he's never gonna kick a kid out of his house. his house is Safe. does this friend of his kid actually need a safe place or are they just enjoying alfred's cooking / the stupid big TV / his kid's company? that's irrelevant. steph is testament to this, if you just keep coming over bruce will start giving you an allowance & dad-voice lectures

and all of his kids know this – dick, obviously, saw bruce when it was only ever the three of them in the house & then he started bringing the titans round. bruce will play up the 'wait are you my kid?' angle endlessly, he thinks it's hilarious, but knowing him well enough to tell when he's being a troll is a batkid badge of honour

what happens any time a dark-haired friend of a batkid gets 'mistaken' by bruce for his actual kid, is bruce says "wait are you one of mine?", then either the batkid says "B they have parents", bruce frowns thoughtfully n says "on a scale of one to ten, how happy are you with your current parents?", and then it's an argument pitting bruce against the other parent/s where the batkid is arguing actually bruce doesn't measure up. OR, the batkid says "cmon B do you really not remember? the thing with kiteman? you signed the adoption papers last week, seriously" and then it's just all three of them doing a bit abt the exact convoluted circumstance that led to bruce 'adopting' this friend. "oh right, kiteman was going to hide you inside a windsock mascot so you could spy for him" "yeah, on all that juicy car dealership gossip" "is he trying to start a dealership of his own? we should look into that", etc

[bihansthot]

I had rough times and deleted everything on my phone to feel a bit better. Just downloaded tumblr few mins ago and instantly I got the notification of your post. Damn I missed out what happened lately… first of all I know your bday is passed but still HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Second: CONGRATULATIONS!! That’s a big thing actually but people have different opinions and reactions to stuff so I don’t wanna be all negative about what just happened and your HUSBAND? When did that happened, I feel like I’m in the movie interstellar. Love you and I hope you feel better soon! 🤍🤍

You know I’ve been awful at responding lately when I missed two bday wishes and my bday was over two weeks ago. I’m so sorry it took me so long to get back to you as you probably know my life has just been medical chaos lately.

We sat down and had a good talk about it and it turns out I had totally misconstrued what they meant and I got upset for no reason. My partner (I’m trying to be better about using this term instead of husband now because they are nonbinary) explained that they very much wanted to celebrate my transplant anniversary with me and that I deserved that and reassured me that they were just in a bad head space at the time because they had been so worried about me lately with all the medical problems and hospital visits. I had no idea they had been so worried and stressed out about me because my partner has high functioning autism and adhd so they have a hard time expressing or showing emotion, so we agreed to try and be better about letting one another know when we were worried or anxious.

The current plan is we’re going to go to Las Vegas the weekend of the 25th of Aug and my actual transplant anniversary is the 25th. So it works out nicely for time off purposes for them that it’s on a Friday, I really want to go to the Bacchanal Buffet and Din Tai Fung and stay at the Luxor but everything else is kind of up in the air. I’m really proud of myself for making enough mental progress over these last few years to finally enjoy and celebrate this huge milestone, I may still hate the fact I had to have a heart transplant in the first place but it’s the reason I’m still here and dammit I’m going to eat some amazing food, get drunk and play slot machines because I’ve been through a shit load and deserve a celebration. I also want to honor and celebrate my donor though because without them I wouldn’t still be here and they are no longer with us, so I’ve decided to stop being a sad miserable, depressed, pitiful creature and live life for both of us. It took me a long ass time to get out of the self loathing, wanting to end everything pit but I finally am happy with life and happy with living so I’m going to make sure they get to experience that too in whatever philosophical way you want to interpret that.

So, for clarification sake I’ve been married to my then husband now partner for over 10 years now, we started dating 17 years ago and have been together ever since. I just don’t talk about them or being polyamorous too much because I see a lot of hate towards nonbinary people and polyamorous people, to clarify I’m AFAB personally gender fluid though I lean female and use female pronouns, I’m also pansexual if anyone was wondering but prefer men. My partner is AMAB, bisexual, nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns and I’m super proud of them for discovering who they are, because it hasn’t been easy for them. My boyfriend on the other hand is AMAB uses he/him pronouns and is very heterosexual but isn’t a cis het douche he’s all for trans rights and a good guy all around. So to summarize I’m polyamorous and have a partner of 17 years and a boyfriend of almost 9 months now. Both relationships are going very well and my mental health has never been better.

I hope your doing better my love I know you mentioned you went through a rough patch and I hope that’s all over now. I’m sending all the love.