#until marcy finally breaks and begins to cry ;-;

[agalychnisspranneusroseus]

No you don't understand, Anne and Marcy third-wheeling Sasha during the dinner episode (and Sasha third-wheeling herself during battle of the bands) is so important to me. Anne and Marcy have come so far having left Sasha behind. They're happy and confident and strong and closer than ever, all because they were finally free. Because Sasha wasn't there to stunt their growth. Despite how much they love Sasha and how much they don't want to admit the distance helped them, it's true: Anne and Marcy were both victims of a toxic friend and they're learning to move on together. Ik it sounds like I hate Sasha because whenever I write about her I make her out to be a massive piece of shit but that's because... she kinda was! And I love her for that! I love these three, I love their story and their drama and toxicity (I was soooo happy when it was revealed Marcy wasn't as great as she initially seemed like - yes! The CONFLICT is CONFLICTING). Like yes marcanne is my obsession, I have marcanne brain worms, but I think one of the reasons marcanne works so well is because of Sasha. Their past, present and future with her have such a huge impact in Anne and Marcy's relationship with each other and with themselves. You can't separate these three and I love it, how easy it is to ship two of them without making it weird by leaving the third one behind (ironically, Sasha the Character is included by leaving Sasha the Person behind).

Marcanne to me is about two childhood friends living in a toxic situation healing together after leaving, only able to fall in love now that they are free and more comfortable with themselves and each other. They couldn't fully connect with each other before - not really. Anne didn't see the importance of listening to what Marcy had to say nor did she take it too seriously, and Marcy was simply not in contact with real people in the real world at all. None of this was Sasha's fault entirely, but she did third-wheel Marcy and she was possesive with Anne and was just a generally terrible influence on her, while reminding Marcy that, well, she didn't really matter all that much to anyone. Removing Sasha from the equation is not enough but it's a necessary step towards knowing each other better and the fact that they so easily became closer than ever just shows their eagerness to be together for real this time. Marcy's increased confidence and Anne's newfound empathy and admiration for her friend wouldn't have been possible with Sasha's domineering influence present. If they were to fall in love, it'd be because Sasha wasn't there to stop it.

I imagine that, once she finds out, she'd be furious, but mostly just devastated. Her friends only found love once she was gone. As if they think they'll be better off without her.

[borkthemork]

Drabble Request: Anne and Marcy after her rescue

You know what, Anon? You get a 2,600 word draft as a treat. Thank you for your patience!

-----

Anne had read books before.

She wasn't the kind of person to read long-winding literature like the typical bookworms back home, but she did read whatever interested her. From magazines to comics to zoo books about bird mating dances, Anne liked stuff that had meat to it.

Give her enemies to lovers, she'd cheer at the makeouts. Give her gut wrenching biographies about surviving the Himalayas, she'd bawl her eyes out. And if one gave her story about being one's true self under the guise and acceptance of a duck instructor then she'd quack it up and never be heard from again.

There needed to be meat, drama, scenes of people kissing in the rain. Stories were all about getting punched in the gut over some random guy, and that would always be the best part!

So she had no idea why Cynthia Coven never stood out to her.

It might be because of the choppy writing style or perhaps fantasy wasn't her thing, but that didn't make sense to her. After all, she'd read anything as long as it was interesting and somehow the Coven books just…didn't stick?

Sure, Cynthia had a pet squirrel. Anne could find a squirrel at the park anytime. Cynthia had spells, curses, people with talking body parts that shouldn't be talking at all. Okay, cool — ugh, why wasn't she interested? Everything about it seemed right up her alley!

She chalked it up to preferences and moved on. 

But somehow, after all these years, the same book fluttered between the pages in her hands. And she found herself narrating, speaking the paragraphs out loud under the green canvas of her tent. 

All because the bedridden girl beside her couldn't sleep. 

It had been forty-six hours since Anne and the girls united. It felt a lot longer than that, if she wanted to be honest, but all the footing, fighting, and planning they did to get out unharmed from Andrias's castle had taken a toll on them. And for Mar-mar even more so, what with the amount of stuff that went down. A lot of explosions. Crying. Frog-on-frog violence.

So in this tent came privacy. Not enough privacy to basically stop Sprig or Sasha from barging in, but the makeshift walls were one of the most protected cliff faces inside the forests. So they were basically between a rock and a hard place.

And since Amphibia's nature became a hazard to not only the typical frog but aggro robot intruders, nothing got through as a threat in the end. Not even the huge mother frobo that she and Sash fought days prior.

Anne flipped a page.

The cold draft had slipped in and raised goosebumps on her umber skin. It almost seemed surreal that Summer started to transition out with the months passing, but the chirp of birds and the lack of cicada song had marked a new season, and now Anne shivered slightly with her narration.

Marcy's wounds needed to heal. From the remains of the stab wound to the headache to the numerous nicks upon her feet, if she didn't start sleeping then the medicine Maddie gave wouldn't come into effect anytime soon.

And if she didn't snore in the next ten minutes, Sash would have to knock her out with some sleepshroom grub saute and Anne wasn't going to let her get drugged anytime soon.

But from what was currently happening, Anne became unsure.

Marcy's eyes fluttered shut a few times. She would start drifting off at some random part in the story and then jolted back to listening intently as if nothing had happened. Nothing in the book could get her to sleep. Not Cynthia's introduction to werebeasts, her dramatic one-liners, or how she got knocked out for a minute straight from drinking a pint of Canadian beer.

Wait, could teens drink beer in Canada? Gah, that wasn't important!

What was important was that Marcy looked dead — terrifyingly dead — and no matter how much Anne tried to keep her eyes on the words, the fear clung to the recesses of her mind, asking if everything was going to be alright despite the girls' current luck streak.

That maybe this would be the last time she'd ever see Marcy alive. All because she fell asleep.

Anne leveled her voice when these thoughts struck her, and hoped Marcy didn't note the hitch in her throat or how she blinked faster to catch herself from crying.

Because Marcy was strong. She was stronger than people gave her credit for.

Anne peered down. Marcy's thumb had pressed to the side of Anne's fingers, their eyes meeting for a second; one harbored bags under her eyes, the other of worry.

"I promise I'll sleep." Her smile reached her gaze, the weariness plain on her worn out dimples and ashen cheeks. Anne might need a washcloth later. "It's been a long time since I've read the Cynthia Coven series, my brain can't help but pay attention."

"I know, Mar-mar." Anne closed her eyes for a second and let out a relaxed sigh. "Seven months can be pretty long."

"Tell me about it." Marcy's eyes lingered at the ceiling, licking her lips. "I've been so busy with everything that's been happening that I've barely caught up with the latest book."

"Yeah." Anne smiled. "You know they've got a new release out?"

She blinked. Almost as if Anne punched her in the face at that moment. "Are you serious? Aw man, I missed so much."

"Hey, it's alright. It'll be waiting for you when we get back." Besides, Anne already wrapped the edition in a lot of Christmas paper, might as well keep the surprise.

But Marcy still looked miserable. She pouted,  letting her sink more into the mattress almost comically, and Anne bit back a laugh when she groaned. "Oh man, I'm so excited, this sucks! At least tell me if Cynthia gets over the Bridge of Quintessence."

"I don't know what that means and besides, you're two books behind, why would you wanna spoil it!"

They shared a laugh and carried on. Anne missed this. She did. In between the page clips and the eagerness flowing in Marcy's voice, it almost seemed like they were back to what they once were: Two girls laughing and making fun of bad jokes, giggling at stuff that didn't make sense in the story. It almost made the worries over Andrias and her parents grow into background noise.

Almost.

Anne perked up. A question had flown past her, and now Marcy stared at her, inquiry clear in her eyes. "Oh, sorry, I zoned out a bit. What'd you say, Marbles?"

"I'm curious, Annarama."

"Curious about what?"

Marcy's eyes traveled over her shoulder for a second. Was it the fatigue? Judging from how she fiddled with her fingers, the question must've been something serious, maybe something about Andrias or what happened back in the castle.

Whatever it was, Anne readied herself as she waited.

And then:

"Is that mine?"

Anne blinked. She ogled her book, then at the bedside table with its medicinal herbs, then the Thai Go logo printed fresh on her shirt. "What's yours?"

She pointed to Anne's waist.

When Anne looked down, the realization struck her like a bat. Under the filtered sunlight, she almost forgot that the yellow jacket around her waist was there to begin with, snug and tight in that hard knot Anne tied everytime she stepped out of the house.

And somehow, it remained clean from countless dimensional hops and Super Saiyan power-ups. And now it was here. Being scrutinized by her and the girl opposite her.

With that, she started to sweat.

Right, that.

A nervous laugh burst out from her mouth, making Marcy stare at her more out of concern.

How was she going to explain that?

"Oh, yeah! I almost forgot!" She rubbed her neck, trying her best to pick out the right reasons in her mind, but nothing stuck out to her. "It's a funny story actually, so funny that you'll probably forget in the morning so why not another time?"

A smile formed. "I don't know, Anne." Her eyes scrunched up too in pleasure, pressing her thumb against Anne's knuckles. "I'm all for sleeping to a comedy. Remember when we watched Borat? I laughed so hard I passed out."

"Oh, Mar-mar, that's not what I mean."

"Then what do you mean?" She then pulled her hand away, frowning. "Unless I'm pushing you, then I'll just—"

"No, no. You're fine!" What wasn't fine was how her heart pounded against her chest. Or, that the more she tried to take a deep breath, Marcy's growing concern made her laughter sound more like an old man wheezing from an asthma attack.

Anne was about to make a dumbass out of herself and that was fine! As long as she stayed calm and explained then maybe she wouldn't feel nervous about this.

Wait, why was she nervous anyway? It was just a jacket!

Oh, she knew why.

"Okay." Anne placed the book down, trying to regain her breath. Might as well go for it. What was the worst that could happen? Don't answer that. "So you remember how I've been trying to find my way back after I got through the portal?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I didn't want to forget. Not like I would've but I thought you died and I knew taking down Andrias was the only way to avenge you and get Sasha back." Anne sharply inhaled — words speeding past her ears. "So I thought 'Hey, I'll carry your jacket so I don't forget' and I basically wore it around everyday until I finally found a way back. So…"

Marcy's stare didn't help her sweating as she spoke, giving jazz hands to finish it all off. "Here I am. Yeah."

Marcy continued to stare at her. She'd never seen her this gobsmacked before; usually she found a way to ask questions, to let her enthusiasm shine through with eager stride, but now she became a deer in the highlights. All agape. All wide-eyed.

Oh Frog, I broke her.

"Mar-mar, you okay?"

"So you wore my jacket as a reminder to stop Andrias," she asked slowly, "after months of finding a way back?"

Anne puffed out her cheeks. "Maybe?"

"Anne…"

"Okay, okay, yeah." She hung her head, defeat in her voice. "I did."

"Oh." Marcy's eyes widened to the size of saucers, a shaky exhale breaking through. "Oh."

Anne stood up. If she didn't get out in the next fifteen seconds, she was going to explode. "Okay, yep! That's it for the Cynthia Coven series! Goodnight, Mar-mar, I'll check up on you later—!"

"Wait, wait!"

Marcy latched onto her wrist. Her ears pounded on, hard to focus with her sweaty palms and the shallowness of her breath. Because this whole situation was awkward and weird and it made her feel funny things in her heart and darn it Anne should've handled this back on Earth — not while they were stuck in the middle of a Frog darn war!

"Anne, please look at me."

She did. 

When she turned, the sight surprised her. Marcy's cheeks had darkened considerably as they held each other's gazes, the hold on her arm still having them tethered to one another.

Then the touch loosened slightly. It didn't speak of fear nor did it speak of pain. It didn't speak of the desperation Marcy once had when she held her fists in the broken halls of the Newtopian castle. What Anne instead found was reassurance. A reassurance in their interlocked hands, at how they gazed intently under the tent canvas, a heat creeping well onto Anne's cheeks too.

"It's really sweet that you wore my jacket like that." Marcy then bore down at the bedding lines, almost squeaking her words. "And very clever! Yeah! Because a physical reminder is a great alternative to notebooks and to-do list, and since my jacket has emotional connotations to me, of course you'd wear it! It just makes sense."

Marcy coughed into her sleeve, words almost a whisper. "You've always been good at improvising, after all."

"Mar-mar..."

"And thank you."

Anne stopped. She could've honed in on the bustling Wartwoodians outside. Or the rustle of the forest trees. But she focused on the comforting tap of Marcy's fingers, and the gleam in the girl's eyes — almost as if Marcy was about to cry.

"You've always been kind," she murmured. Her fingers trailed circles on Anne's palms, leaving her to shudder slightly under the touch. Especially when Marcy's eyes grew half-lidded. Remorse on her lips. "And to know you worked so hard after everything I did to you and Sash, I don't how I'll ever make it up for it."

"You don't have to do that," she said. Her words drifted between them, remembering what Mrs. Wu said a few months ago: That Marcy was the best out of all of them. Because she always needed to be. "What Andrias did was not your fault, and I'll beat him again if he ever makes you think it is."

"Besides," she said, putting on a smile. "Having you beside me has always been enough. Honest."

But Marcy's grief remained on her face, unspoken as her fingers faltered their dragging on Anne's palms.

Because she wanted to hold her hand instead, both their fingers trembling from the bedridden girl's arm.

"Anne, I hurt you. I did. No matter how much I try to justify myself, I still omitted everything about what I knew." Her eyebrows furrowed, glaring more at their shaky hands. "I was selfish. I wasn't honest."

"Don't say that. You didn't know this would happen, I understand this now."

"But you're still angry." Marcy sighed. "I know you are."

The conifers rustled silently. The faraway bugs whistled, occupying each interval as they held hands, their gazes observing anything but the other. Until Anne couldn't think up a better excuse anymore.

As much as Anne tried to forgive, there was something frightening about the resentment in her skin, underneath all that warmth. It went against every lesson she learned. Every lesson of compassion. Or maybe she was just denying it for what it truly was — a tight angry wound that had reason to exist as much as their handlock. 

Her body sagged at the thought. She'd gotten so far, trying to deny anything about herself would reverse so much.

"Yeah," she said softly. "I'm still mad. I don't want to be, but I am. But that doesn't mean I was gonna leave you guys in the middle of a war." The next words were under her breath. "I never wanted you guys to get hurt in the first place."

Marcy brushed her knuckles. "Take as much time as you need."

"I think a few months is enough."

"Or a year."

A smile. "Maybe more."

And Anne held her hand until the silence heard their heartbeats. Until their smiles returned slowly, surely.

"I talked to Sasha before you came in," Marcy said.

"You did?"

She nodded. "Mhm. And I don't know if she told you this, but we both agreed to a concordance." Marcy faltered. "An agreement I mean."

Anne snorted. "You don't have to dumb yourself down around me."

"Heyy, I'm not, I just don't want this to sound...clinical."

"Right."

The younger girl shuffled closer to her, which was surprising enough with the limited room on the bed itself. But when Anne held her eyes, there came recognition of something new. Was it relief? Worry?

"What we agreed on is that you don't have to forgive us. Maybe you'll be mad at us for a long time—"

"Mar-mar, I'm not—"

"Let me finish," she said softly. Anne hesitated. She resolved to caress Marcy's knuckles instead, and, of course, she didn't seem to mind. "Whatever happens, whatever you decide, we're not going to abandon you. If you want us out of your life, we'll respect it. If you want us to stay, then we'll respect that too."

Marcy inhaled, slow and careful. 

"And when you're ready, I'll make sure to be close by."

There had been times where Anne couldn’t predict what her future held. There had been numerous moments where Anne wanted to quit, to get angry, to question how her life hit upon all these coincidences like pinball and found herself in the most surprising of situations.

But when Marcy finished, stared at her, waiting for her to let her statement sink in, everything seemed to click in place. For just a single moment.

Each word had come out resilient, well thought-out. Anne could imagine the planning so clearly: How Sasha and Marcy sat in the same positions as them, sat with their heads together as they discussed what to say. And the more Anne listened, she could only hope that Sasha was just around the corner, ready to say the same things in her own Sasha-like way.

But for now, they gripped each other's hands, squeezed their fingers until Anne could only think of the heat. The burn in her nose. Then the bit-back sob and her trembling lip as Marcy pressed a thumb carefully to Anne's cheek, rubbing the tear trail away.

Because out of everything Anne predicted to find at the other end of the portal, it wasn’t this. 

"You promise?"

Marcy smiled, the ends of her lips twitching weakly. "I promise this time." Her voice broke. "I do."

With it, came the waterworks.

[scrabbleknight]

Just skimmed (sorry if that's insulting or anything) through your fic and DANG it was amazing. I have a few questions about its version of Season 2: 1. What transpires in the three temples? 2. How would Sasha react to Anne and Marcy's betrayals in True Colors? 3. How would the Boonchuys react after Sasha tells them what happened in Amphibia?

YOOOOOOOOO

I've been waiting for someone to ask stuff about the fic since the finale and you're the first. Thanks for the ask, dude! 🙏

To answer your questions:

1. The 3 Temples 🏛️🛕🏯

The 3 temples will be a bit different in terms of their trials and theme (for narrative reasons). I don't know what they are yet though :I Also, all 3 girls will be there from the beginning, and Anne's temple will be the last one.

Marcy's temple will have one change and that's the jumping puzzle. It was too obvious in canon and really, they didn't even need to read the script to figure out the only 2 green tiles were safe. Also, it talked about envy for some reason??? For SatF, I want it to be more illusion-based and Marcy has to be the one to break them out. I might try to bring the envy thing back.

Anne's temple will be the same. It'll actually be a good trial since she's not as nice as canon now. In the show, the trials was just a way to show how good Anne was and it didn't really expand her character in a meaningful way (bcoz she's already that good). So now, the same trials would have greater impact!

For obvious reasons, Sasha's temple will have the biggest change. In canon, the theme was about "strength with persistence". I've decided to change that because it doesn't fit the story I want to tell. No offense to canon btw! It did it's job well. But "persistence" is not the trait I want to talk about. I have a few ideas but nothing concrete yet. Also, the trials will differ!

2. True Colours ⚔️🔥

This is where all of Sasha's lessons and her villain redemption finally reaches its peak! Much like canon, Anne reveals her betrayal and Marcy reveals the truth in this super tragic way. The trust is broken. But how does Sasha react?

At Anne: Sasha would be pissed. She trusted Anne and gave an olive branch and everything. She goes on angry rant and for the first time ever, Sasha is the one who cuts Anne out.

And Anne agrees. Anne knows early on that what she was doing was horrible and accepted that. By this point, she's tired and depressed (unlike canon!Sasha's controlling jealousy). So she reveals her plans: she's going to send all 3 of them home, and leave Grime in charge. Everyone gets what they want (except for Marcy, ironically).

And after that, they go their separate ways. At least, that's the idea. Anne was never a good planner. Sasha's concerned over Anne easily giving up but is too angry and refuses to make amends. That is, until the Marcy reveal.

At Marcy: Sasha is betrayed. All this time, she's been holding the guilt to herself, blaming herself for what happened when in reality, it was Marcy's doing. Marcy knows how much Sasha was hurt but refused to tell the truth until it was forced. Sasha opened her heart about it, and Marcy just laughed it off. When the reveal occurred, you can see the exact moment both girls break into pieces.

But Anne? Anne feels betrayed the most. Anne was always closer to Marcy than Sasha and to realise that not just one, but two of her friends are liars? It shatters her. That she can't trust anyone? That everyone around her had been using her (Grime included but he got better)? That this world is her Hell.

Then BOOM! Calamity powers. Have you ever watched Naruto? You know that time Naruto fought against Pain and completely lost it when Hinata died? How he entered into a berserk state? Yeah, Anne gets that. The powers are called "Calamity" for crying out loud.

3. The Boonchuys 👨‍👩‍👧🐸

Now, I'm still not sure how and who gets sent back home in True Colours. Right now, I'm actually pushing towards Marcy being sent home, you know for the irony of it. Marcy was the one who wanted to leave and in the end, she's the only one that comes back, without her friends at that. But for the sake of the question, let's assume Sasha gets sent home and goes to the Boonchuys.

Sasha tries her best to explain. She does the same thing Anne does (drawing on some paper, but hers suck) and obviously, leaves out some parts. She doesn't want to worry the Boonchuys any further.

Mommy Boonchuy (yes, I'm calling her that) wants to know more but it's Daddy Boonchuy's level-headedness that keeps her from going emotional. They talk about wanting to call CPS (child protection services) but Sasha says "NO!" because it'll get awkward between her parents and her. So she just lives with them but, like, secretly.

It's tough initially because Mommy doesn't like Sasha and was against her wearing her daughter's clothes but they have a talk and they'll get better. She even starts acting like Sasha is her own daughter and it does get awkward (since Mommy is basically just using Sasha to fill the void and Sasha does the same). It's unhealthy to say the least, but gets healthier!

Daddy Boonchuy is the same as canon. I, uh, don't really know what to do with him.

[bloodied-hunters]

Marcelina/Yamamura

The big post for these two since I deleted my blogs again.

Marcelina and Yamamura’s relationship hadn’t become romantic until three to three and a half years later. When it was that long, the other hunters could see the mutual pining. The older Madaras twin was the one to yell, “Just kiss and do the romance shit already!

In the beginning, Marcelina was pretty clingy/easily jealous with Yamamura. She was scared and had seen her old friends leave her because of her father. Yamamura eventually told her that her behavior was over the top and Marcelina corrected herself.

Whenever there’s a sudden noise or a beast roar in the distance and Marcelina is close to Yamamura, she subconsciously grabs his wrist. It’s a “I can’t lose you” reaction and she usually stays by his side for a while.

Yamamura and Marcelina would hide out in old Yharnam whenever they wanted to get away and just relax for once. Djura was reluctant at first but he let them. Eventually, he’d end up covering for both of them when Henryk, Gascoigne or Eileen came and asked where they went.

Marcelina got drunk once with Yamamura. She convinced him to drink and they both ended up drunk from alcohol. Both became giggling drunks and Valtr and Henryk found this both hilarious and frustrating because they’re down two hunters.

Marcelina is unsure where her husband went and then during the night of her final hunt, her and Roosevelt are in the Hunter’s Nightmare and after she beats Ludwig she goes up the stairs. Then she heard an all to familiar voice. Her finding out Yamamura is here in the nightmare and very much dead. When she finally gets the key and unlocks the cell he doesn’t recognize her and she has no other choice but to kill him. She finally breaks down and sobs.

I had a thought about Marcelina and Yamamura. They sometimes go to Oedon Chapel where the dweller and the others are and just stay there for a bit. Marcelina would sit down and pull Yamamura down into her lap and just hold on to him. Yamamura wouldn’t mind. He’d end up working on his weapons because Marcelina tends to stay like that for a while.

In any other circumstances, Marcelina and Yamamura would’ve had a son. But Yamamura is dead.

Marcelina has these days where she won’t say a word. She’ll lay in bed most of the day only really getting up for food and to go to the bathroom. Yamamura would lay with her and they’d sometimes cuddle.

Marcie could probably lift Yamamura over her head considering she’s a strength build.After Marcelina gave birth to Roosevelt, she was bedridden and sick. Her being sick was because her body had to go through drastic changes for her child. During her time sick, Yamamura came and visited/ helped her often. They had been friends for a few months at this point.

Marcelina’s first language was French then she learned English. Yamamura’s first language was Japanese and then he learned English. Both sometimes forgot words in English and ask others what X is. They sometimes repeat the sentence in English mentally then translate it to their first language. They both talk to each other about any words they end up forgetting in English.

Yamamura is the one who showed Marcelina the arm band thing. He even was the one to help put them on her arms. It ended working in her favor when a beast was ready to bite her and she put her arm up. The leather one her arm took most of the teeth and she was left with a small cuts on her arm from the teeth.

Yamamura has heard Marcelina sing. She really only sings when it’s just them.

Marcelina tanks more than Yamamura, so she gets injured more. Yamamura patching her up whenever he can.

When Yamamura was taken away, Marcelina wasn’t sure what happened to him. She also went into a sort of mourning state a year later. She would cry and shake. She wasn’t sure why this started happening. The reason was actually Roosevelt. He knew that Yamamura had died but didn’t want to tell his mother. He wanted to spare her feelings. This caused him to be upset but his feelings would also go onto his mother.

Happier au with Marcelina and Yamamura. Yamamura isn’t taken away and Marcelina takes the Yharnam Sunrise ending while Roosevelt stays and ascends to his true form with the childhood beginnings ending. Marcelina, Yamamura, Eileen, Djura, Arianna, Adella, Valtr and the Chapel Dweller leave Yharnam for Marcelina’s home. The old lady and narrow minded man stay behind. With the help of Marcelina and the others, Adella gains confidence and does switch to healthier habits. She helps in the towns orphanage. Arianna kinda sticks to the same thing she’s always done for awhile until she gets to work with some actors who needed help. Djura works with any and all animals. He and some others opened up a sort of animal shelter. Eileen and Valtr join up with the towns law enforcement. The chapel dweller gets to help in the towns lighthouse. Marcelina runs the town with Yamamura. They had one son.

[perispinel]

Adventure Time Finale Liveblog

Already this episode is off to a weird start, starting with a flashforward in the future with two random one-off characters and- OH MY GOSH THEY FOUND FINN’S ARM AND THEY LIVE IN MARCELINE’S HOUSE NOW!

Did Finn like die? THis has to be a fakeout about this.

King of Ooo is alive far int he future? he melted in the fire as wax remember writers? 

Oh my gosh this is why they showed the Enchiridion episode last, Mount Kragdor is back!

the king of Ooo is BMO! Wait why does he have PB’s crown... oh my god BMO outlived everybody. he is unfazed by death

BMO is kickin’ em out already, what a savage

That arm is giving BMO some flashbacks. Awww adorable!

Heh after so long BMO is having trouble remembering Finn’s name.

The plot description said NEPTR was telling the story, they faked us out totally!

Finally, more Betty! 

Finally, more Maja!

Looking at Finn is like “you die eventually. BMO has your arm now.”

Having BMO narrate the whole story makes it sound like a five year old trying to describe World War II. 

Finally Duke of Nuts, my favorite character!

Literally no one likes him, he wants to be MacGyver

Justin Roiland has work while R n M is off

Princess Bubblegum is going the Leia route of going from Princess to General

Oh no a little cake spy.

Huntress Wizard, played by Mona Lisa from Parks and Rec, did a good job getting rid of that sky

Come along with me, it is time for war you seeeee

Marceline and PB better makeout RIGHT NOW Marceline, yes, please reconsider PB Oh geez Marceline is just casually like “I saw people die PB.” Marceline be like “I felt worse” all over us

Finn is right.

W-what? Finn whatcha goin on about with nightmares? I thought he was gonna break the fourth wall

I love when a war begins with someone repeating “WAR” over and over

Yep yep there goes the banana guards. What a great plan

“You’re weird” isn’t what I’d say honestly

He doesn’t know what fruit is apparently

Lemongrab is totally piiiiiissed... Oh he’s just sad.

Gumbald literally is backing UP because of them being serious Finny boy

Hey Fern, remember when I accidentally killed ya? Good times boi

“You’re a toddler” is the cue for “I kill you or you give up”

What a great time for a commercial break. 

Okay, time for my thoughts in-between the show: this is giving me crazy feelings. Like, knowing BMO outlives everyone, regardless of the war’s outcome... wait, BMO said Finn was heroic til the end right? Oh my gosh will Finn sacrifice himself? Well either way BMO probably SAW him die, old age or not. BMO is literally the imbodement of a child who doesn’t understand the consequences of anything. Back to the show!

Nice job making me almost sad BMO.

Unconscious world? That’s crazy man.

So no war? Aiight.

Finn was all like “go to dreamworld and talk things out” and they be like “let’s have a war again”

Ooh cool, let’s get those songs for the album here

Jake is going back to his roots

Ooh let’s get Tom Sharpling up in this guys

Aww poor Fern. 

PB isn’t reluctant at all to kill someone even if they look like Finn, as long as they be an enemy. 

Oh sweet evolution Fern! 

Fern is going the toddler solution, that’s fine.

Okay Greg from Steven Universe, enjoy your appearance while it lasts.

Is John DiMaggio spending the episode in a dream state?

Pinching people in the dreamworld really wakes you up? That’s dope.

W-what? why’d they just vibrate

Fern does sound like a knockoff Finn sometimes honestly. Heh prove you’re tormented Finn! 

Oh geez this is really dark, PB had a messup life. Recreating that scene for some symbolism I suppose!

Ooh subconscious world!

Aww his girlfriend is here- I wish I spoke korean.

It’s nice his kids- oh nevermind. 

Is this symbolism for him being connected to his wife like by the sides?

Hahah we got a fart joke everyone, wrap it up! Just kiddin I don’t care either way

I bet Pb is learning what it was like living as a completely unintelligent being without any choice. Will this cause some empathy?

Yeah repressed memories must smell awful.

Obviously Fern and Finn share the same memories, but it’s cool to see them confront it Mindful Education-style

I missed Adventure Time’s art style honestly. 

Oh I get it, Fern originated from the Finnsword.

Oh wow, all of that took place in the span of one second!

PB and Gumbald are learning empathy now, are we not having a war or?

“No no no that happened next.” Good job faking out the fake out.

I love these breaks telling us small bits of lore and secrets about what’s going on that we’re not noticing. Anyway, I am excited to find out what this portal is exactly- I’m guessing Magic Man, Betty, and Maga’s weird cryptic chant is gonna cause some big bad event. Will Adventure Time end with the end of the world? I’d be mega shocked if Finn just died. Wait why isn’t Marceline in the future? Realistically she should be there UNLESS she got killed, soooo... back to the show!! :D

We saved the day! Big scary baby is definitely good!

Wait Fern is in the real world now???

Ice King was just gonna leave until he had that flashback

It is so cute seeing Betty and Simon’s past, I wwant fanart of them having a happy life.

Did I mention FP is super cute? I love Flame Princess

This is getting quite dark man. Even Marcy is scared.

PB don’t martyr yourself

Aww what a great leader, telling her army to flee in terror instead of dying without purpose!

Oooh Fern is on good side now!

Gumball Guardians are her real children

Is this even a kids episode? this should be rared PG-13 man

I hope all this rogue gallery characters still get lines. oh there they go

Heh Jake and Amethyst have some similarities don’t they

Wow what a dark end for someone, skull cracks open and innards bounce around and endanger people

Ice King is the savior! How cute

This is more epic than Reunited but that’s not fair to say exactly, one is finale and one is a special

Oh no poor bananas, so dumb

Let’s go Jake, doing what he does best and being helpful!

Did Jake explode and die?

Remember when LSP and Lemongrab dated?

Aww Lemongrab and LSP is a canon ship, only straight ship allowed for those two

Come on Ice King, remember who you and Betty are!

Ice King is reciting the song from the episode. Oh my gosh come on dude, replace at least ONE word in the song silly!

Betty is too crazy to not throw a tantrum I guess.

Maga the Sky Witch- Kill Count 1

No no no Flame Princesssss! Maybe she’s okay?

Fernnn! 

Did PB just die? Oh my glob

Oh Marcy’s going back to her roots

Okay PB is alive, it’s fine.

Marceline just had a PLanet Hulk moment right there.

Aww it’s canon now guys! Marceline X Bubblegum eternally and they kissssed! Guys they made up for so long of teasing!

Oh no I think they’re breaking them apart layer-by-layer

Ice King is Simon again, yeyyy!

I love that the moment PB and Marcy are confirmed gay for real they just have them holding each other close to prove it even more

Finally Jakei s confirmed not dead

Oh no is Jake dead, 2.0.?

Finally we have a reason BMO knows what happens. He nearly died.

Okay so... Flame Princess and Fern are taken out while Maga is definitely dead. I have a feeling Marceline might die,or else we’ll need a thorough explanation for why she’s not living in her house. Like I can tell that this character voiced by Willow Smith is Jake’s descendant but Marceline is potentially an immortal I assumed so they wouldn’t have her be gone without explanation. Then, here’s a question: is Jake about to sacrifice himself to save BMO?? Also, BMO straight-up says the world ended so I have a feeling that he wasn’t just being coy.

Oh my glob, what’s about to happen. Jake and Finnn’s home is destroyed. 

BMO is getting deep. Okay HE’S SINGING THE SONG :D

Is this about to have a Rogue One ending? How is this going to end happily?

This song is meant to be bittersweet, no way is this a happy ending song guys.

Is BMO secretly badass? CARTOON CONSPIRACY No it’s just the power of music.

Oh I get it! Discord, Harmony, Music, it all makes sense! 

Oh literally everyone sings this! along with screaming!

They got so many voice actors for this! 

Is he going to explode? Oh my glob?

Here lies Finn. he was a good man. I love him. 

“No one gets to choose how it happens. the most important thing is that we’re here together.” Nice way to make me sad twice

Is Simon going to become Simon forever? What’s going on here? Is Betty going to get her bones crushed???

Aww how cute of you Betty. not making my heart any calmer

Ooh yes he’s Simon again :DDD

Oh my gosh this is a crazy kind of ending

Oh no I’m scared now.

thanks for the reminder of The Tandem Elephant’s existence man. Okay, so... this is crazy. Simon is back, like for real, he’s not dying or anything... Betty is potentially dead... Finn didn’t die, which is dope... my eyes are watering, definitely not about to cry. I can’t believe it I’m emotional over cartoon show wow. Just knowing I have eight more minutes until it for real is all over. Maybe I’ll just like, watch it again so I can pretend it didn’t end yet? No that’d be fake. I normally don’t even cry in situations where it’d make sense so this is telling for me I guess. These commercials really make me appreciate how good the show I’m watching are. :’D Okay so, I don’t think Magi actually died, although it’s hard to tell really since I didn’t get a good look at her. I have no idea what is about to happen but I am freaking out. 

Ultimate Adventure continues now

Oh wow Betty fused with the crystal boi

Simon and Marcy, reunited for real

Imagine how much it must suck to wake up after so long of being stuck as someone else

I DON’T FEEL SO GOOD. is that a reference... Oooniverse?

Okay so Gunter is the future beard boy I guess.

Oh wow they grew a Fern. and found a new sword. 

YES HE SCREAMED. THE BOY SCREAMSSS!

Thanks for disobeying me Finn

Finn officially has the singular arm. Dope.

Future baby boy has a big beard

Finn and Jake can’t live forever, this is the past yes

Ooh the music hole is here again! Epic callback broos

Ooh the hole sings the End Credits Song oh geez

New Ice King is Gunter, old ICe King is Simon

Ooh nice glimpses of what might become of some of our friends in the future

Ooooh Lemongrab and Jake get along better. 

Aww cute his dad is going to space now

Flame Princess and NEPTR friends forever

Jiggler callback! 

Susan is here!

Normal Man is cool!

Huntress Wizard continues to be fun! 

PB and Marcy are still gay, Pep But is still edgyyyy

THE HUMANS ARE BAAAAAACCCCCKKKK

They found the sword oh glorb! 

OH WOW THEY JUST HINTED AT WHAT A FUTURE ADVENTURE TIME SPINOFF WOULD BE LIKE!

I LOVE THE FACT THAT THEY DIDN’T RESET BUTTON US BUT DIDN’T KILL EVERYBODY OR SOMETHING! 

Okay I have a lot of thoughts... that was a ffinale. It really was. It was not something I got disappointed in because they didn’t wrap up anything. It wasn’t like waiting 10 years for 10 more episodes of a cartoon. It was like epic man. I naerly teared up guys. It didn’t end with a Reset Button like some finales would- Everything Stays, but it still changed. Sorry, this post is too long for anyone to read all the way through, but I still hope you enjoyed my thoughts on the last Adventure Time episode. A zillion out of ten guys.

[tomarisela]

The Serpent Dance

So I originally wrote this for a fic I was writing but honestly, my fics are written very randomly in sections and never finished. So I decided to write about my favorite Southside Serpent Sweet Pea. 

The characters name is Marci, lives on the Northside. I hope I conveyed Sweet Pea correctly and I hope you enjoyed this

Tagging two people who helped me with this. I absolutely love @ivarsshieldmadien her stuff is amazing and she is so supportive. She gets to look at everything before I post it. I would also like to thank @letdecemberburninflames because she helped me pick out a song when I literally had been debating for two hours which song to do.

Please enjoy and feel free to share and tag other people who love Sweet Pea or Riverdale!

I am sitting next to Toni while the boys are busy playing pool.

“Hey Toni, what would you say if I wanted to join the Southside Serpents?” I ask as I look down at my cup of soda.

“Look for girls there are one of two ways to do it. One is with the same ways the boys joined and I am not going to bother with telling you” Toni scoffs

“Toni come on please” I beg “You know I would not survive the gauntlet. I would get hit like 3 times and then cry my eyes out begging for them to stop”

She sighs exasperated “Sweet Pea will lose his shit if I tell you”

“I promise he won’t” I assure her with a smile

“I can’t believe I am telling you this. It’s called the Serpent Dance. It involves that stage and that pole. I am assuming you can imagine what else you have to do”

I gulp loudly as I look at the pole. ‘Fuck me’ I think to myself

“You don’t have to do that Marci. You already one of us. Have been since the beginning” she assures me

I shake my head “It’s not official. No one would accept that from me because I live on the Northside. The only to get accepted is by doing the damn dance.”

“I can tell I won’t be able to talk you out of this. But I do not approve of this” Toni shakes her head

 It was finally the night of FP’s retirement party. I was at the bar grabbing a little of liquid courage to get ready for my performance tonight.

“How are you feeling?” I look over to see Betty who seems to be as nervous as I am

“I could be better” I say as I tug my skirt down. I went with a simple short skirt, black garters, black heels, and a white button up shirt that was not tucked in. I picked something that could easily be removed but also be put back on. “I will see you later,”

I walked back to Sweet Pea and everybody. Everybody smirked as he saw me. He was drinking me in. I had him eating out of the palm of my hands. But I was eating out of his as well. He had a black long sleeve that was rolled up to his elbows.

He brought me close and kissed my lips “Goddamn, I love when you wear heels” he comments as brings me even closer to him.

“You like them because you don’t have to bend to kiss me and my ass looks good in them”

He shakes his head with a laugh “That always looks good”

I could hear Veronica and Archie singing their song, I watched the performance before Veronica runs off stage followed by Archie. Serpents all start booing including Sweet Pea.

Betty steps on the stage and continues the song slowly removing her shirt and then her skirt. I could feel my heart in my throat and my beat in my ears. I suddenly felt hot and sweaty.

Betty finishes her dance and then the room is quiet until FP gets on stage offering her his jacket. Slowly the room fills with claps and hollering. FP makes the big announcement that actually isn’t retiring and I feel some relief lift from my chest. Jughead was the natural next in line for leader but I could tell he needed more time before taking on that position. I clap and go back to the bar after I kiss Sweet pea quickly.

“Well someone sure looks nervous” Toni comments.

“Toni hush, you are making me feel worst” I whisper

“You will be fine. You already look amazing without even taking your clothes off. So just think about how good you feel, how happy Sweet Pea makes you, and forget everyone else. Seriously, you look drop dead gorgeous” Toni rest her hand on my shoulder and smiles brightly at me

I walk back to Sweet Pea and the boys overhearing a conversation

“I bet Marci won’t go up there”

“I bet she will”

“Dude she is a Northsider”

“We just saw 3 Northsiders go up there in sing. One even did the Serpent dance”

“Marci is a lot more shy then them. They love attention. Marci isn’t like that”

“SOOOO what are we talking about boys?” I ask them

“We are talking about whether or not you will go up there and sing.”

“I don’t think you will.” Sweet Pea shurgs

“I think you will once you have a few drinks” Fangs counter arguments

“And if I do?” I question

“You won’t” Sweet Pea puffs his chest

“What makes you think I won’t?” I counter crossing my arms across my chest and cocking my head to the side

“Oh shit” Fang chuckles

“Come on babe, you won’t do it”

I roll my eyes “Tone down your masculinity and remind yourself that you don’t control me”

“Sweet Pea, I wouldn’t piss her off” Fang says noticing my attitude

“You are right, I don’t. But I know you well enough to know that you won’t go on that stage to do it and you are not going to dressed like that.”

I shake my head at him in disbelief and walk away. I walk to around the bar until I notice Sweet Pea has stopped staring at me. I can tell he is angry. He didn’t like when we argued, no matter how small, in front of people. But he was making me mad especially with the comment about how I was dressed.

I told Toni the song and it started to play over the speakers.

“You don’t own me” I sang as I got on to the stage. “You don’t own me” I sing again as I stand proudly on the stage.

The rap section starts and I see Fangs hit Sweet Pea hit him multiple times as he points with his other hand

I look straight at him with every amount of defiance and confidence I can muster as I stare directly into his eyes.

I slowly unbutton the first few buttons of my shirt as my first comes next

“You don't own me” I shake my head at him “I'm not just one of your many toys, you don't own me. Don't say I can't go with other boys” he is making his way to me biting his lip.

As the beat picks, I feel my hips swaying to the beat “Don't tell me what to do, and don't tell me what to say. Please, when I go out with you, don't put me on display” I rolls my eyes before I look at him challenging him  

I begin to slowly remove my shirt “You don't own me don't try to change me in any way. You don't own me, don't tie me down cause I'd never stay” I smile mischievously as I let the shirt fall to the floor

I grab the microphone gently as I shimmy my skirt down lower and lower on my hips “Don't tell me what to do, and don't tell me what to say. Please, when I go out with you, don't put me on display” Eventually the skirt falls and I swiftly step out of it.

As the rap sections starts, I am now in just a lacy bra that goes down to my ribcage and the matching booty shorts but they were particularly already hiked up in the back because of my curves, my thighs were now completely exposed to the crowd.  I spin in my heels, and sway my hips from side to side much like a belly dancer does imitating a snake. I then walk to the pole and do a spin around with just my hands around the pole. I turn so my back is against the pole and I bend at the hips I flip my long curly locks behind me as I arch my back coming back to stand up straight.

I come back to the microphone taking it off the stand “I don't tell you what to say, I don't tell you what to do. So just let me be myself. That's all I ask of you. I'm young and I love to be young. And I'm free and I love to be free. To live my life the way I want. To say and do whatever I please” I shake my head as I get more and more into the song causing me to smile. Any bit of self-consciousness I was feeling was now gone.

As I vocalize the last part of the song, I slowly go to my knees and then sit on the edge of the stage, my legs hang off the edge. I do the come hither motion to Sweet Pea. He makes his way to me and stands in front of me. I put my hand on his neck and I can feel the slight shiver as it goes into his hair

I look him right into his dark brown eyes “You don’t own me”

Every cheers and hollers as Sweet Pea scoops me up quickly causing me to wrap my legs around his waist and kisses me passionately.

I break out kiss as I realize I am half naked in front of a room full of people. I unwrap my legs from Sweets so I can grab my clothes and I hand Toni the microphone. I wrap the shirt around my shoulders so I can go quickly dress in the bathroom.

Once I dress, I go back to the group where I am greeted with claps and whistles causing me to blush.

“Cut it out” I chuckle shaking my head

“That was so much better than what I had planned” Fangs jokes excitedly

“Remember that’s my girlfriend you are talking about” Sweets warns

“Yeah, yeah”

I look at Sweets and lust is written all over his face. I can tell he is having a hard time keeping himself composed. I walked to him and grabbed his hand gently. I nod toward the exit.

“Hey guys, tonight has been amazing but I am feeling exhausted” I say while I lean on the arm of the couch. “These heels are starting to hurt my feet” I groan out my little lie to make it more believable

“Yeah sure. ‘Your feet hurt’” Fangs air quotes causing everyone to laugh “But on a serious note, welcome to the Southside Serpents Marci. It feels good to have you part of the team”

I hug him tightly and then hug everyone else before Sweets and I walk out to his motorcycle. He gets on and pulls me close to him.

We are silent for a moment as he holds my waist and then grabs my hands only to raise it to his warm lips “I am so happy you decided to join the Serpents. I definitely was not expecting you to do a Serpent dance that’s for sure”

I smile at him “I did it for you. I am not leaving your side. Ever. I don’t care what anyone thinks of us. I was made for you and you alone.”

His hands go to my neck and bring me in for a deep kiss. The kiss was slow but full to the brim with passion. It was us grabbing onto one another as if our lives depended on it. We separated only to get air into our lungs.

“Your place or mine?” he ask between catching his breathe

“Mine” I answer before I jump on to the back of his motorcycle.

 We enter my house and as soon as the door closed, my back was against it and my legs wrapped around Sweets waist. My arms wrapped around his shoulders as our lips crashed in a heated and passionate kiss. His hands were on my bottom gripping tightly. He pushed a little harder against me with his hips causing me to feel his erection against me. He was then able to release his grip on my bottom to rip my shirt, popping all the buttons causing them to fly toward the floor. I can feel him kick off his shoes and then his jacket. I start to kiss down his jaw to his neck where I began to pepper it with love bites cause Sweets to moan. His hands roamed my body grabbing at anything he could. I grind my hips against him which elicits a small growl from his lips. He lowers me down back to the floor.

“Get that ass upstairs to your bedroom” he orders

I nod my head “Yes sir”

I begin to walk upstairs with Sweets right behind me. I feel a quick slap to my bottom causing me to give a quick yelp. We make it to my room and Sweets hangs up his jacket before taking off his shirt to let it fall on the ground. He sits on my bed and leaning back against his hands.

“Come on princess, I am ready for my private show,” he smirks

I smile and play some music. I walk slowly to where he sits on my bed swaying my hips dramatically. I spin around so my back is to him, I move my hips from side to side going down to the floor with each movement. I then brought my hips up first and then pull my skirt down until it hits the floor. I then slowly begin to stand up straighten my back before dipping my hips into Sweets lap. I move my hips in a circle, I then undo my bra and slowly slide it down my arms. I then hold it to the side before letting go to drop it to the floor. Sweets hands go up the sides of my body to my breast before squeezing them causing me to moan softly. He leaves love bites along my shoulders and my neck. Every bite sends a heat wave throughout my body. I can feel the area between my thighs is hot and desperate for some friction. He stops at my neck and begins to mark my neck as I continue to grind against him.

“Lay down on the bed princess” Sweets whispers into my ear

I do as he says as I lay on the bed. Sweets slides between my legs spreading my thighs so he can gain access to my wet core. He kissed up my thighs and then snapped the garter against my thighs. He slides his hand up to my underwear.

“You are absolutely drenched princess”

“Sweets quit teasing me” I groan

He bites at my inner thigh “Just because you are desperate does not mean you can be rude”

“I’m sorry sir” I apologize

He moves my underwear to the side and lick my core. “Mmm, you taste amazing princess”

Sweets pulls my underwear down and tosses it somewhere across the room, he take another long lick while looking me in the eyes with her dark brown ones. He lands on my clit which causes my hips to twitch at the feeling. He flicks it a few times before sucking my clit in between his lips. My fingers twist into his hair, as a loud moan escapes my lips.

There were two things Sweet Pea was really good at: fighting and fucking. He especially loved to prove the second right every time in the bed room.

Sweets then inserted a finger into me and slowly moved in and out. After a few moments he inserted another finger but kept his slow pace which was driving me crazy and he knew it too. I move my hips wanting more.

“Sweet please” I beg “Faster”

He grants my wish by moving faster and he thrust a little harder too causing him to reach the sweet spot inside me that made me instantly curl my toes and arch my back.

“Jesus” I moan loudly “Right there Sweets”

He continues his hard and fast pace while continuing to suck on my clit. My body felt like it was on fire and all of my nerves felt so overwhelmed. I could feel my orgasm approaching quickly and it felt like too much. I could feel my core tighten and my womanhood tighten around Sweets’ fingers.

“Sweets, I am going to-” I could barely finish my sentence as I felt Sweets insert his fingers hitting that sweet spot again and then stay inside to massage it from within “SHIT!” I yell as my orgasm takes over.

My thighs tighten around Sweets head as my orgasm takes control. Sweets never stops for a second, not until I come down from my high.

He pushes my legs apart with his free hand and then comes up to lean against his legs. His mouth glistening from my juices which causes me to instantly start blushing. He removes his fingers and licks them clean in front of me.

“Ain’t nothing to be embarrassed about princess. I love it when you cum. You taste so fucking good too” he compliments me before wiping his face.

He unbuckles his pants and slides them down with his boxers. He settles between my hips and kisses my lips. He rubs the head of his cock at my opening. He slides slowly into me allowing me to adjust to his size. I wrap my legs around his waist and grabbing onto the sheets as I feel myself stretch around him while feeling incredibly filled.

Not only was Sweets tall but he was also well endowed.

He continued to move in and out of me as I adjusted to him with each roll of his back and hips. My lips let out low whimpers each time he pulls out but it is followed by a sweet moan when he enters me once more.

“Sweets, quit fucking me like I am made of glass” I say between moans before I go to his ear “You know how I like it”

He grabs my hips before he moves out of me harder and faster. I arch my back against the bed as he hits my g-spot over and over again relentlessly. Grip is so tight, I am sure I will have bruises in the morning. I feel my breast bounce and my hands are gripping tightly onto his wrist.

“Is this what you wanted?” he ask with a rough, deep voice “to be pounded into?” He moves one of his hands to my thighs pushing it back giving him more access as he rocks his hip back forth with harsh fast thrust “Don’t want to walk straight tomorrow do you?”

“Sweets I am so close” I moan

“Me too” he moans

His thumb goes to my clit and circles with quick motions. I feel my body tighten up as my orgasm begins. I squeeze his wrist as I hit my peak as I moan out his name loudly. His thrust become sloppy before he thrust one last time before he cums inside me.

He leans forward to my ear “Now, let’s get you cleaned up buttercup” he whispers before quickly grabbing me to take me to the bathroom.  

[gingerandpeaches]

baby fever.

Taehyung just really loves kids. And you just really love Taehyung.

Genre: Fluff Word Count: 1.8k

It was no secret that Taehyung loved kids. He loved playing with his nephew, his small cousins, or the child of any stranger that happened to be around him at the time. You’d met him in a park when you were babysitting your neighbor’s toddler, actually, and when she wouldn’t stop crying after scraping her knee he swooped in to save the day.

“Hey! Hey, it’ll be okay,” he cooed, squatting down next to you as you cradled her teary face. You jumped a little at the sudden intrusion, but the handsome stranger seemed harmless enough. “Don’t be upset, do you want ice cream?” he said softly, smiling at your neighbor’s daughter sincerely. She sniffled still, but his proposition stopped the majority of her tears. She gave him a large nod as she wiped her eyes, which made him smile. His adorably rectangle-shaped grin made butterflies appear in your stomach, especially when he turned it on you. “Would you allow me to buy you two some soft serve?”

“I, uh, I mean, sure,” you stuttered, taken aback by how deep his voice was when he wasn’t using his toddler-soft comfort voice.

“Okay then,” he said, standing up and brushing off his pants. “There’s a great place around the corner we can go to, do you know it?” you actually did, and you’d been there a few times. A cute guy and the best strawberry cone on this side of the city? Oh heck yeah.

About 15 minutes later you were sitting in the refreshing AC of the ice cream shop, eating your strawberry cone with one hand and feeding the little girl hers with the other hand. Taehyung had gotten a milkshake, and found your double tasking pretty amusing.

“Here, let me do that. I don’t need hands for mine.” he laughed, reaching his hand out to take the spoon from you. You gave it to him without much of a fight, your ice cream was already starting to melt, and the last thing you wanted was to drip it on your new shirt. You watched Taehyung play airplane with the little girl, and her previous tears were totally forgotten by now. She was laughing so hard at his silly faces and noises, eating her soft serve seemed like the last thing on her mind.

You weren’t completely ignored, and even though you didn’t need to be spoon fed, you still got a lot of attention from the handsome boy. He asked you if the little girl was your sister, and you explained that you were only her babysitter.

“Only a babysitter? I don’t think you credit yourself enough. Taking care of kids is hard and you do it voluntarily. Plus you get paid to play with a little angel like this. It seems like a great job.” he smiled, his eyes crinkling into crescent moons as he looked at you.

“It’s pretty good, but it’s not all that. What do you do, Taehyung?” you asked, genuinely interested in what this man possibly could do.

“I actually grew up farming with my family, but I just moved here to study art. I’m a photography major myself, but I have a love for the classics as well. My whole apartment is covered in Van Gogh prints.” he smiled as he spoke, and you couldn’t help but melt a little bit.

You went your separate ways that afternoon when you needed to get the little one back home to her parents, but you didn’t part without swapping numbers. There was no way you were letting this boy escape. Not one who seemed this great from the beginning.

Four years later, you’d realized that this boy that seemed so great from the beginning would surpass any and every expectation you’ve ever held for a man. He continued to be kind, soft, funny, and oh so godly handsome. He’d taken you out sans toddler to get to know you a little better. He’d taken photos of you for school projects, claiming that you just gave him creative energy. He’d supported you through rough times, and you did the same for him. You fell in love with Kim Taehyung because of the pure kindness that existed in his heart, as he fell for you.

His love for children never changed at all. He still adored playing with his nephew and his cousins, and you definitely couldn’t take him to the mall without him waving at every little one that passed by. When you got married, his whole family jumped on you, asking when you were going to start having little ones of your own. His whole family bombarded you with similar questions, yet Taehyung never did. He didn’t want to pressure you into doing anything that you weren’t completely ready for, and you respected him like hell for it. That behavior was one of the many reasons you loved him.

Two years after your wedding, though, you could tell that he was starting to get antsy. He still never pestered or pressured you, but he’d mention little things here and there.

“Y’know Yoongi just adopted a daughter? I think that’s amazing. I bet him and his partner are so happy. It’s so great.”

“Do you think it’d be a good idea to move into a bigger apartment? Not that we don’t fit in this one, but I’d like to make sure that we have space for any kind of additions. I mean, like, uh, a king size bed. Or a dog. Or whatever.” His little trailed off mumbles left a smile on your face, and you ruffled his hair. You never called him out on his little hints, because you really did want to have a family with him. You did. But it just wasn’t in the cards. Until now.

You stood in the bathroom holding a pregnancy test in your hands. Positive. There were three more from three different brands sitting on the vanity counter, all positive as well. You wanted to be sure, because if you got Taehyung excited for nothing it’d break his heart. But judging by these tests— and a very strong feeling in your gut— you were sure.

“Tae?” you called out, trying to even out your voice. “Baby can you come here for a minute?” It was still kind of early and you knew that he was still in bed, but he was just lazing around on his phone. He wouldn’t mind this interruption. He definitely wouldn’t mind once he saw what you wanted to show him.

“Yeah?” he rasped, rubbing his eyes as he walked into the bathroom. “You okay?” he stopped to look at you, and you only nudged your head in the direction of the sink. His brows furrowed in confusion as he looked over and saw what you wanted him to see. At first he didn’t recognize the little plastic sticks, but once he realized what they were (and the message that they all shared) he gasped loudly. You stood behind him silently as he just stared down at the tests lined up on the counter. It was almost a full minute before he turned around and looked at you with his bottom lip quivering and his eyes brimming with tears that looked like they could fall at any moment. “Please tell me this isn’t a joke.” he asked quietly with an unstable voice.

“It’s not.” you smiled. He closed the space between you immediately, and the tears he had been holding flowed freely. He sobbed into your shoulder, and you could feel his whole body trembling. It was shocking to see him cry like this, because you’d never seen him like this before. These were happy tears, though. This was not a bad reaction, and even though your shirt sleeve was going to be soaked through in a minute or so, you didn’t care. You wrapped your arms around your husband and held him until he was collected enough to look at you and smile. Even though his eyes were red and his nose was running, that boxy grin made your heart melt just as much as it had on the first day you met him.

Four months passed and you only grew closer and more happy every day. Taehyung wouldn’t shut up about the fact that you were carrying his child, and it could be a little embarrassing, but it was still endearing. You didn’t have to worry about him finding a toddler at the mall anymore, but you did have to worry about him telling anyone who would listen about how excited he was to be a dad and what he wanted to do for the nursery and name ideas he had and— you get the picture.

One morning you woke up to a sight you’d absolutely never forget. You awoke to the feeling of Taehyung’s hands on your bare stomach. As you opened your eyes, you saw that he was laying on his side, eye level with your decently sized bump. He had pulled your shirt up to your chest and he was rubbing your stomach gently, whispering things to it so quietly that you could barely hear him. When you sat up on your elbows, he finally realized that you were awake and giggled softly, his cheeks reddening just a little. He placed a small kiss on your stomach before crawling over and giving you a similar kiss on your forehead.

“You weren’t supposed to see that,” he murmured as he pulled back to look at you.

“If you didn’t want me to see you being gross and sappy you shouldn’t have been so touchy about it.” You rolled your eyes at him, but there was still a smirk on your face. He could be so damn adorable sometimes, it was unbearable.

“Can’t you just let me spend time with our daughter alone? We were bonding.” he fake-pouted. You ruffled his hair and sat up to look at your belly yourself. You hadn’t found out the gender of the baby yet, but Tae insisted that it was going to be a little girl. You had kind of hoped for a little boy, to be honest. As much as you loved the idea of all the ribbons and frills that came with a daughter, you dreamed about a son that would be a spitting image of your husband. Especially now, looking at him in the dim light of early morning. God, he was beautiful.

He was kind, and smart, and loyal. You could not be happier to start a family with this man. You worshipped him, just a little, but it was no match to how he adored every single part of you. The person who was making his dreams come true before his very eyes.

- Marcy

[marcys-missadventures]

Well. Here’s we go don’t know who’s gonna read this shit but ok.

Welcome to my life that I’m about to tell you about.

It all started in 2017, I graduated that year and I was just looking for something well, honestly? Some one to be in my life with me and honestly I was dumb, I had dated two guys on line both of which managed to do nothing but gaslight me and mentally fuck me over, then I met my ex boyfriend we’ll call him Ryan (not his real name but close, Marcy isn’t mine but what ever)

Now Ryan, he was honestly my first real and in person boyfriend, and because of this I thought everything that happened was normal and i now find myself looking back and realize it wasn’t. And I hate myself. A lot... now if you’re still reading this you’re probably asking; why do you hate yourself? What did he do? Well I will answer for you that question soon enough.

When I started dating Ryan, he was sweet, caring, respectful and really well perfect.. so I thought at least. The first month or so was great I had met him in November, and we talked on the phone and video chatted and all that lovely stuff, and it was great, up until Christmas/NewYears around that time I was goofing off with a friend and I accidentally sent him a text that was meant for my friend saying “what are you hiding” and I tried to fix it quick by saying I’m sorry that wasn’t meant to be sent to you and I got a “what the fuck” back and then the silent treatment and he removed our relationship status after a week or so.

Of course I was heart broken when he wouldn’t respond to my messages, but when I saw the relationship status change I called him in tears asking if he had something he’d like to say to me. He quickly remedied the situation and honestly I wish I had left him then, that was a red flag I blindly missed. Around my birthday he and I got into a dumb fight over something extremely trivial and he wanted to break up over it and of course had I known what I know now I would’ve let him, but I was young and dumb and didn’t realize what was going to happen, but I talked him into giving it another go and we we’re just fine at least I thought we were, and here’s the part where you’re going to learn exactly why I hate myself for staying with him as long as I did.

February: he said we should have sex, that’s why we’re having squabbles it’s all sexual frustration, I was a virgin and he knew that he didn’t push the issue to much because of that but then he was busy with work so we couldn’t hang out for most of the month.

March: no squabbles and this month I’d finally loose my virginity to this guy I thought loved me, it wasn’t too awkward and it didn’t hurt like had expected, it was alright and I kinda liked it. So every time I saw him he’d ask do you wanna have sex and I’d either say yeah sure or no and if it was no he’d leave it at that for the day unless I wanted it later. Everything is still ok at this point

April: he’s still being respectful but a little more pushy but I thought ok it’s fine my libido was up and I could handle it it’s like one day a week I see him so whatever.

May: he’s beginning to start in on being handsy every time we cuddle, I think nothing of it till he put his hand down my pants with out me saying I even wanted that, note I’ve never been in a real relationship before no one told me this wasn’t ok. But I let him do it cause I didn’t know Any Better I thought this was how you show someone you love them.

June: he’s now wasting no time once I’m there he wants sex it doesn’t matter if I push his hand away he puts it back five minutes later and keeps this up till he gets what he wants. I’ve now learned that this is a form of rape, but I didn’t know this, like I said I thought it was ok. No one told me it wasn’t fine. I thought this was what a relationship was.

July: he’s still pushing it till I get mad or till he gets what he wants, he usually gets what he wants because when I get mad he threatens to basically break up with me, and I don’t want him to do that so I let him fuck me, one time he told me I was too wet(must have been a time I actually wanted it) and since then I’ve been dryer but that doesn’t stop him from going at it. A lot of times when I’d go home, I’d be in pain down there and some times I’d be bleeding, once I started bleeding during sex and he stopped because it was “gross” he wouldn’t touch me for the rest of the day.

August-October: basically the same stuff as July, at this point I might as well have been raped by some random person because he did care if I even got off it was just about him.

October-December: he’s stoped answering my calls and texts till he decided he wanted more sex that’s exactly what it was. It was the sex.

January 2019: he cheated on me and broke up with me by blocking me on everything. I’m heart broken

Fast forward to September 2019-February 2020: I’ve met my now current boyfriend and have been dating for roughly 5 months going on 6 not once has he forced a hand down my pants, threatened to break up with me because I didn’t wanna have sex, or manipulated me in any way shape or form.

In January of this year I looked back on my previous relationship with my ex and realized he raped me, I don’t care what you might think if you’ve gotten this far. Mostly cause I have a hard time going into detail without crying, but my ex raped me half the time my ex had “sex” with me I didn’t want sex but I thought I needed to do it so we could stay together, I’ve learned that’s not at all the case and I was raped, I cry a lot because of this, I feel stupid for letting him do that to me but at least now my boyfriend actually cares about me for real.

This is my back story to why I hate myself is because I let that bastard Ryan rape me. Multiple times just because I thought that it was love.

[danithebookaholic-blog]

REVIEWS! - TEEN ROMANCE

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Valentine’s Day was last month and I made sure to partake in all the romance reeds that I could get my hands on! If love is still in the air for you, then here are a few of the Teen Romances I read last month.

Just a heads-up: you’ll need a box of tissues, your gay best friend, your big-girl (or big-boy) pants ready to speak-up, and your iTunes subscription handy for this list of must reads!

📚Cheyanne Young’s The Last Wish of Sasha Cade (2018 YA Romance) 📚Erin Hahn’s You’d Be Mine (2019 YA Contemporary Romance) 📚Marci Lyn Curtis’ The Leading Edge of Now (2018 YA Romance & Realistic Fiction on Abuse) 📚Olivia Hinebaugh’s The Birds, the Bees, and You and Me (2019 YA LGBT Romance)

From one bookaholic to another, I hope I’ve helped you find your next fix. —Dani

The Last Wish of Sasha Cade 

By Cheyanne Young

Publication Date: October 2, 2018 Genre: Young Adult, Contemporary, Romance, Realistic Fiction

Synopsis:

The day Raquel has been dreading for months has finally arrived. Sasha, her best friend in the whole world -- the best friend in the whole world -- has died of cancer. Raquel can’t imagine life without her. She’s overwhelmed and brokenhearted.

And then a letter from Sasha arrives. Has she somehow found a way to communicate from the afterlife?

In fact, Sasha has planned an elaborate scavenger hunt for Raquel, and when she follows the instructions to return to Sasha’s grave, a mysterious stranger with striking eyes is waiting for her. There’s a secret attached to this boy that only Sasha—and now Raquel—knows.

This boy, Elijah, might be just what Raquel needs to move on from her terrible loss. But can Raquel remain true to herself while also honoring her friend’s final wish?

Purchase:

Amazon / B&N / Kobo / Google Play / IndieBound

Review:

Young Sasha Cade is dying and has one last wish: For her best-friend, Raquel, to keep Elijah a secret and for them to complete the scavenger hunt, that Sasha devised, together.

If you are looking for a tear jerker, then look no further! The Last Wish of Sasha Cade is the teenage version of the movie P.S. I Love You, where friendship and love will survive the biggest hardships, even death.

The Last Wish of Sasha Cade is real as it gets, and shows that the grown-up world isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. Life comes with heartbreak and tragedy, but have no fear, life also comes with love and fortune. You just have to open your heart to both.

Get the box of tissues ready, because The Last Wish of Sasha Cade will have you reaching for them out of heartache and pure joy! I highly recommend to teens and adults alike.

 Dani's Score out of 5: 📚📚📚📚📚

You’d Be Mine

By Erin Hahn

Publication Date: April 2, 2019 Genre: Young Adult, Contemporary, Romance

Synopsis:

Annie Mathers is America’s sweetheart and heir to a country music legacy full of all the things her Gran warned her about. Superstar Clay Coolidge is most definitely going to end up one of those things.  But unfortunately for Clay, if he can’t convince Annie to join his summer tour, his music label is going to drop him. That’s what happens when your bad boy image turns into bad boy reality. Annie has been avoiding the spotlight after her parents’ tragic death, except on her skyrocketing YouTube channel. Clay’s label wants to land Annie, and Clay has to make it happen.  Swayed by Clay’s undeniable charm and good looks, Annie and her band agree to join the tour. From the start fans want them to be more than just tour mates, and Annie and Clay can’t help but wonder if the fans are right. But if there’s one part of fame Annie wants nothing to do with, it’s a high-profile relationship. She had a front row seat to her parents’ volatile marriage and isn’t interested in repeating history. If only she could convince her heart that Clay, with his painful past and head over heels inducing tenor, isn’t worth the risk.

Purchase:

Amazon / B&N / Kobo / Google Play / IndieBound

Review:

Young love is always great, add some Johnny and June Cash, a spunky girl and a jilted boy to the mix and you have a great romance! For anyone who reads You’d Be Mine, I highly recommend - especially if you don’t know and Johnny & June Cash songs - to keep your phone near by so you can play the many songs mentioned while reading this book. It will not only help you to understand the story on a deeper level, but it will also set the mood, and make you a Johnny & June fan! (I also recommend listening to Heidi Newfield’s song Johnny and June for any song downtime while reading. It, too, will set the mood! 😉)

But You’d Be Mine isn’t just a country music teen romance, it also deals with loss, death, and destruction, drug addiction, alcoholism, and (somewhat surprising) God. It teaches you to work hard, fight for what you believe in, and reminds you just how important family and belief is, all while making your heart ache for Clay and Annie.

Looking for a swoony read? Then You’d Be Mind is totally the book for you this week! I 100% fell in love with Clay and Annie, their music and their story, and I think you will, too!

 Dani's Score out of 5: 📚📚📚📚📚

The Leading Edge of Now

By Marci Lyn Curtis

Publication Date: September 4, 2018 Genre: Young Adult, Contemporary, Romance, Mystery, Abuse

Synopsis:

Just when Grace is beginning to get used to being an orphan, her estranged uncle suddenly comes forward to claim her. That might have been okay if he'd spoken to her even once since her father died. Or if moving in with Uncle Rusty didn't mean returning to New Harbor. 

Grace once spent the best summers of her life in New Harbor. Now the place just reminds her of all she's lost: her best friend, her boyfriend and any memory of the night that changed her forever. 

People say the truth will set you free, but Grace isn't sure about that. Once she starts looking for it, the truth about that night is hard to find --- and what happens when her healing hurts the people she cares about the most? 

Purchase:

Amazon / B&N / Kobo / IndieBound

Review:

The Leading Edge of Now is not your typical romance, so if you’re looking for a swoon worthy read, this is not it, however, that doesn’t mean you should not read it, just be expecting a story that goes a bit deeper than the typical teen romance.

Grace’s story is one that unfortunately needs to be told. A story of a girl who is orphaned and who later comes out about the sexual abuse she endured and has lived with quietly for years. Sadly, too many girls so through this and are too scared to speak up about it. In Marci Lyn Curtis’ The Leading Edge of Now, you go through the struggle and mental wear-down that Grace goes through everyday of holding this secret in, and the relief she finally feels when she speaks up. It’s a powerful story with some very powerful messages that girls and boys alike should read and learn.

I don’t know if my review words can do this book justice, and so, instead, I’ll leave it with a couple of my favorite quotes - and lessons - from The Leading Edge of Now:

Because life is hard and it’s messy, but it deserves to be lived. And if you’re always turning away from it, you aren’t really living it. Living, really living, is standing on the very tip of the moment - right on the leading edge of now - no matter how heartbreaking or beautiful or terrible it might be.

I’m crying again, everything inside me ripping open and spilling out, the humiliation I’ve clutched so tightly the past couple of years, the anger I’ve stuffed into my rib cage, the fear that’s cleaved to my cells. God - fear of everything. Of living and dying, of loving and desertion, of friendship and loneliness. The stupid truth of it all is that day after day I’ve been trying to protect myself from things that have been out of my control. I’ve been worrying about getting hurt or getting sick or getting abandoned. But the fact is, people like me get raped every day. People like Dad die every day. People like Owen are involved in accidents that are out of their control every single day.

The world, with all its beauty and wonder and love, is a frightening place.

 Dani's Score out of 5: 📚📚📚📚📚

The Birds, the Bees, and You and Me

By Olivia Hinebaugh

Publication Date: January 22, 2019 Genre: Young Adult, Contemporary, Romance, LGBT+, Sex Education

Synopsis:

Seventeen-year-old Lacey Burke is the last person on the planet who should be doling out sex advice. For starters, she’s never even kissed anyone, and she hates breaking the rules. Up until now, she's been a straight-A music geek that no one even notices. All she cares about is jamming out with her best friends, Theo and Evita. But then everything changes. When Lacey sees first-hand how much damage the abstinence-only sex-ed curriculum of her school can do, she decides to take a stand and starts doling out wisdom and contraception to anyone who seeks her out in the girls' restroom. But things with Theo become complicated quickly, and Lacey is soon not just keeping everyone else’s secrets, but hers as well.

Purchase:

Amazon / B&N / Kobo / Google Play / IndieBound

Review:

The Birds, the Bees, and You and Me is a very informative book without seeming educational. If you have a tween/teen (or are one) looking for answers about sex, then this is a great book to pick up to be informed, but not to an embarrassing degree. The Birds, the Bees… actually acknowledges the fact that most tweens/teen (and even some adults) are embarrassed about sex, and brings about the fact that it shouldn’t be embarrassing. Everyone should be comfortable with asking questions, finding out the correct answers to those questions, and having an education that supports all sexual lifestyles.

But The Birds, the Bees… isn’t just about sex. It’s about a group of wonderfully talented high school music students that are not only finding their way in the sexual world (identifying if they are heterosexual or a part of the LGBT+ community, and how to properly protect themselves), but also musically - Lacey, Evita, Theo and Alice form a band; where they want to go to college and want to do for a living. They grow apart and together as friends, band mates and partners. And they learn to stand-up for themselves and the education in which they are receiving.

The Birds, the Bees, and You and Me is a very powerful book, teaching those who read it how to make judgement calls when it comes to their life. While those around you may not agree with your beliefs, you have to stand up for your rights, beliefs and health and do what is right for you. A great non-traditional romance read that everyone should read!

 Dani's Score out of 5: 📚📚📚📚📚

Sorry, no wine pairing for these teen reads.

Have a book you’d like to suggest or one you’d like me to review? Please feel free to leave your comments down below.

[deathhasnomeaning-blog]

Even Celestial Bodies Wither in the Face of Eternity

     Maple leaves are swept into a cyclone in miniature with each gust of wind, the distillation of violence and disorder into something that might be mistaken for beauty. You can faintly make out the pained yelps of your neighbor’s 16 year-old bichon frise as it struggles to make it down a flight of stairs. Poor thing, you think. Maybe one day that’ll be me.

     It is October 27th, and the block on which you live is in repose, save for the neighbor’s dog, which suffers in solitude. But you can hear it, so is it really alone? you ask yourself. But what do we weigh more strongly when pondering the existence of loneliness: the mere presence of others, known or unknown to the self, or the degree to which these others are perceived as playing some role in our day-to-day? The dog doesn’t know that you can hear it. Your reality and its reality don’t intersect, at least not at this moment.

     But anyway, it is October 27th. The sun lurks behind the veil of cumulonimbus, as your block languishes in silence, supine in the face of its treachery. The din of machinery churns somewhere far beyond the hills that mark the end of your hometown. You can recall nights spent with friends in that abandoned factory district, which even now remains caught up in some sort of simulation of life, perpetually grinding along with no beginning or end. Your old friend Daniel, who you had known since the first grade, once accompanied you to the building that decades prior had been known as the L’Oreal Factory. You didn’t know what L’Oreal was, but you insisted that the two of you check it out regardless. So you snuck out of your homes, crept through side streets and alleyways, and eventually arrived at this brick-and-mortar mausoleum. The two of you not-so-nimbly made ingress via an empty window-frame.

     You found yourself in what used to be the product-testing room, not that you were aware of this. Most of the supplies were still there, frozen in time, waiting to be acted upon by a motley crew of frustrated chemists. Daniel and you took everything in, silently making note of any details that caught your interest. Satisfied that you had done this, you turned to him and caught him looking at you with such profound, tangible sadness. Do you remember what he said? He kept his gaze level with yours and told you that he had recently dreamed of his father’s house burning to a crisp. He was riding his violet mountain bike, coming home from baseball practice, choking on the foul tendrils of smoke before he even knew that something was amiss. Then suddenly, there it was. His father’s house, reduced to a fine black ash. Daniel said he couldn’t stop weeping or smiling, and that each response only magnified the other. He was visibly holding back tears as he told you this. You hesitated for a moment and then grabbed his hand before asking yourself whether that was appropriate, partly because you didn’t know what else to do and partly because you had been in love with him for so long, so very long. Four years later he drowned in the reservoir behind the local library. Love having faded into little more than unpredictable pangs of longing by then, you wanted to cry but couldn’t produce anything more than a whimper. Your closest friends apologized to you, as if you had suffered a great loss. In some ways, maybe you had.

     The weather where you live is all sorts of fucked up. It was 80 °F two weeks ago. Today saw a high of 48 °F with a substantial wind chill.

     Putrefied garbage litters the front porch of a semi-abandoned house down the street. Semi-abandoned in the sense that it is now occupied by a corpse. The cleaners don’t come until Monday. It is currently Thursday. You wonder how much temperature affects the decomposition process, if at all.

     In the room over, a light-bulb wavers in and out of existence. You look out the window and see rays of light briefly explode through holes in the clouds, and suddenly it dawns on you that you haven’t left the house in a year. And maybe that’s because there’s a real risk in that, walking down those steps and out your front door, because you know that once you leave you won’t be able to control the outcome. But how many times have you relied on that very same lack of control as a viable exit strategy? Our rationalizations are so malleable, wouldn’t you agree? They are wonderful evidence of our adaptability. They attract and repulse us in equal measure.

     To your left sits an orange spiral notebook, its pages a distinct Joycean yellow. Near the back rests your proudest moment. During the final weeks of your Junior year in college, after you had stopped taking Xanax and started running ten miles a day, you wrote a poem that linked the Nietzchean concepts of eternal recurrence and Amor Fati to the central tenets of Tantra Yoga, because you are an intellectual first and foremost. Your creative nonfiction professor loved the way it conveyed our need to take solace in our mortality. You loved that you stumbled upon a more academic way of writing about dying.

     After some gentle prodding on the part of your classmates, you submitted it to your school’s poetry journal. What was it called? The Tribune? Something like that, I think. As always, you both loved and loathed your creation, somehow convinced that a) in comparison to the fluffy nonsense your peers had submitted, your poem was an undeniable masterstroke of subtle brilliance, and b) it was the long-sought after piece of evidence that would finally reveal you for the fraud you always suspected you were.

     The truth typically residing somewhere in the middle, what ended up happening was 25 or so of your peers picked up that copy of The Tribune(?!?), skimmed through it once, and promptly forgot about it. Everyone expect one student that is, a trans woman named Marcie who will one day go on to become a well-respected writer and activist. She read your poem night after night, lost in the throes of staggering depression and dysphoria, letting every syllable linger on her lips the way one glides their fingers across the back of a lover that is drifting off to sleep. You will never know that Marcie exists, and surely enough, one week after first reading your poem she couldn’t even remember your name. So maybe you were right all along. Maybe your intuition was spot on, and you’re really a fraud. But Marcie, the only person in the history of the universe that will ever commit your words to memory, would beg to differ.

     By now the sky has grown a dark, somber shade of blue. The lights from the nearby city ensure that you will never be lost in that perfect darkness you desire. Didn’t one of your teammates on the tennis team say something to that effect? It was late one evening, if memory serves. You were walking home from practice. You were standing on the corner of Valley and Styles, waiting for the light to turn red, when they observed that you seek a perfect darkness in which to submerge yourself. You looked at them with what I’ll call feigned surprise. They knew what it was too, because they continued, saying that nothing less than perfect darkness will ever do. Of course, you know damn well that nothing of that caliber will ever truly manifest, because in the innermost recesses of your consciousness you will always be scared to die. But what did they know? you ask yourself while staring at the branches of your neighbor’s evergreen. They moved to California after saving up money that they had earned working at the local food court, only to die a week later when their brakes gave out on the highway.

     Our rationalizations attract and repulse us in equal measure, but at all times they are just a form of system justification. The self, being a system first and foremost, and a fragile one at that, must remain properly insulated at all times, lest the universe tear it to shreds.

     You think about this for a moment. You pour yourself into something that you hope will be remembered as a work of beauty. Like all acts of creation, this process involves a mixture of performance and genuine out-of-body flow, and...well, maybe it isn’t entirely fair to paint the creative process with such broad strokes. But if creativity is an extension of the self, and the self is a constantly generated performance, why would it be unfair to characterize creation as, at the very least, a somewhat performative thing? And at any rate, if........but anyway, you spend all this time cultivating a very particular product, expecting - well, expecting what, exactly? Should people hold their breath because you’ve created something? Might the noosphere become a unified consciousness that subsequently anoints you its sole philosophical and artistic voice?

     No. No, things limp forward as always. And fuck, even if something did happen, then what? Will that make any difference when your body starts breaking down? You put something into the world. Well, what about it? Sooner or later you will die, regardless of whatever faux-profound drivel you deliriously dredge up. You never had any control. Before you know it, all traces of your existence will make their bed amongst the stars. And that is but a temporary state, for even celestial bodies wither in the face of eternity.

     A motorcycle tears down your street like an elemental force. Concrete melts away, revealing a profound, unending void where the core of the world ought to be. Now the houses aren’t connected to anything. They just hover, seemingly untouched by the passing of time. The moon presides over all of this, but only partially. It is utterly disinterested. You wish you could be such an impartial observer.

      Across the way there emerges a simple chord progression. ii-V7-IV-vi7, or something like that - your ear was never the best. But your ears perk up nevertheless, and now the drums are coming in with a steady beat. The synth is playing a familiar melody. A voice intones something in a language you don’t understand, but for the love of god you feel like you know what’s being said.

     What do you think this voice is saying? It’s saying you never had any control, and you never will, but there’s a hell of a gap between domination and passive observance. You don’t want either of these things. You know that life is nothing but a series of potentialities. Though it is tempting to believe that these potentialities can only be realized under strict conditions, the truth is we only believe this because we know these conditions will likely never come to pass. And we don’t want them to. Anything less than perfect won’t do, and perfection is an artificial construct. Comfortable with these facts, we sit stock still and don’t do a god damn thing because we are scared. You are fucking terrified of putting yourself out there because you want to preserve this image of yourself that you didn’t do shit to earn. You pay lip service to perfection and cling to the chaos that keeps it from being, because that lack of control shields you from the sting of failure, even as it opens you up to the much longer-lasting pain of regret. Maybe you want to believe that you won’t become that person whose final days are consumed by an endless litany of what if’s. But that will be you. Rest assured, if you continue to sit still that will almost certainly be you.

     So you take a deep breath and stand up. The quarter note pulse of the drums shakes the walls of your bedroom. You stand up, brace yourself, and leap out the window because by now the ground has disintegrated completely and there’s no longer such a thing as gravity. You float above that infinite void, that imperfect darkness, and before you know it the music has become a cyclone in miniature that envelops you. One year removed since you last left your house, you swear it feels like your flesh is being stripped off the bone. The air is toxic. With every breath you burn from the inside-out. But the music doesn’t mind this. Each chord cuts through the toxicity. So what do you do? You dance. For the first time in your life you dance like you are truly comfortable with yourself. There won’t be many moments like this going forward, though truth be told, there will be more of them than you probably expect. The beat persists and you keep dancing, hovering above the imperfect darkness while the sliver of moon impassively looks on, a truly impartial observer.