#what have i become...? (musing)

[mooshroomterrarium]

on a pixel art kick..... cleo be upon ye

[lucabyte]

Different standards

[shehungthemoon]

I've realized that truly the worst thing Stiller and Erickson could do would be to move on from Burt and Irving as a lost cause. I don't want a single stilted flashback to the s1 finale that ends with Irving telling the innies that "oh he was already happy, I have to find a way to move on" with some dejected pining throughout.

I want this tragedy to hurt unimaginably and I want Irving to fight to have it, I want grey morality and apostasy all because of true love, I want to see Burt's outtie put in the worst no-win situation, I want to see Irving revel in it while being in the worst pain of his life. I want them to address how Lumon's most devout servant helped spark a rebellion solely because he found a soulmate. And I want to see how Irving even moves forward when he loses it. (DOES he lose it? I don't know. I don't WANT to know for as long as possible.)

There is so much here and the worst thing imaginable would be for them to relegate it.

[despair-tea]

I think a lot of girls fall into a pit where you transition to overcome depersonalization, and that on its own tides you over for a bit. But once the rush of the new is over and you're living in your new body, if you haven't made a self to go along with it, then you'll fall right back into the hole, right?

You might not have the dysphoria anymore, but you go back to viewing yourself from afar, playing by remote control.

The self-concept is more important than the medicine. I mean it.

Medicine is wonderful, don't get me wrong. The softness is like a dream, the new curves are beyond what I cold have hoped for when I was young. I love having a body I'm comfortable in, that looks beautiful in the mirror, that doesn't repulse me when others tell me it's beautiful. I'm so glad to find out that it wasn't my body that was wrong the whole time, there was always treatment that could have helped me get here.

But those things... they really come down to having a good relationship with my own body, you know? And that won't change even if my hormones do.

I'm dedicated to building my body up the way I want it - to live in the way I think is most beautiful. But I also am a pragmatic beast who's known what it's like to have nothing too. I can still live. I can still be me, even without the medicine that makes my body more comfortable.

A sense of self. "Imagine a future self who has already surpassed her own limits," then make every move you can to get to her.

It sounds like magical thinking because it is. Many of us - rational-minded and pragmatic creatures with both feet on the ground - shy away from ideas rooted in magical thinking. "That's just bullshit," you say, shaking your head. But let me enlighten you: The whole concept of the self is magical thinking. Yet even in the depths of your disconnect you believe in it. You believe other people have one, which is why you feel so alienated from them.

You need to stop and reassess.

The self is inherently magical. It can't be proven or disproven. It can't be quantified or measured. Science has yet to find a way to isolate the sense of self in the body and I suspect it never truly will. Yet we have it. We, as humans, all have it.

So use it to your advantage.

That's how you overcome depersonalization for good. You need to decide who you want to be. Create an image in your mind. "I don't know what I want to be..." Of course you don't know yet - you're afraid of finding out your limits. But all the time you spend not pursuing your ideal self is time that your dreams spend slipping away from you.

What's that? You don't dream, either? Well - you're too old to not have a dream, aren't you? Adults wither away without one - they grow up into bad kids, or maybe like you they grow up into nothing at all.

This world is so vast and we are such small creatures. We can't change the world - there's barely anything you or I can do to change the flow of history or the fact of our era.

But you can change yourself.

Decide who you want to be and become them. That's called Self-Actualization, and it is the one and only magic afforded to us as humans.

I want a future that's kinder, that's full more of hope than the bitter-black despair I've known for so long. I want to be a person who's worth having lived this long. I want to be the person my past self will be proud of having grown up into. And I want to become the future self who has been there by my side this whole time, waiting to meet me in the future. My greatest ally in the whole world.

So even though I'm just a small part of this world, I'll change myself to make it so.

I hope you can find your Worth too. It's right there inside you.

[starrcrossrose]

Sketch Dump of the idiots

I have so much art of them it’s actually insane.

Also they’d be in their early to late 20’s for all of these ✌🏻🐇💙🐢

[mad-hunts]

okay, but it's the way that listening to songs sometimes reminds me of these random OC's that i have come up with over the years though JSJSJ like i have nottt thought of this one in a WHILE... but i once had an OC named ilias whose parents basically had a dream related to wealth due to his birth + so they took it as a prophecy because they always wished to have money as they lived in poverty for as long as they could remember. thus, they were superrr overprotective of him growing up to the point of obsession because they started seeing him as like their 'savior' in a way. and at the age of like six years old, he ended up developing the 'midas touch' or the ability to turn things into gold with a touch except he ALSO couldn't turn it off like midas + it only started with small things like insects at first but then spread to things like people and animals being turned into gold by his touch?

and that is SO incredibly sad whenever i think about it?? but also, IDK... i think i might've been cooking slightly whenever i thought of this idea. not to brag or anything, of course LOL buttt the commentary i could be using this kind of story for related to how capitalism is horrible and how greed can quickly overpower people is something i'd definitely be interested in now, i think. but SKSKS if y'all have any thoughts about this, then please feel free to comment them below because i'd love to hear them :)

[altarfates]

i say i want my muses to have a happy good fun time like a little liar and then sit there kicking my legs going like what if the person they loved the most had to kill them.

[deadn30n-arch]

dating Luo Binghe is the equivalent of adopting one of those scared shelter dogs that was mistreated by it's previous owner and won't trust you at first for months on end, but once they get used to you, they become the most loyal thing you've ever had in your life and will adore you unconditionally and do everything to make you happy

[skitskatdacat63]

Why am I genuinely fantasizing about writing a canon divergence fic for Unforgiven, it's genuinely haunting my brain. I think I'm too taken over by the theme of paternal feelings in genreral right now, and it's affecting my brain in every regard...

[iniziare]

On today's episode of 'Sae counters fanon', whether popular fanon, or minor takes. Not for purposes of 'We read, and we salt', but simply as a reminder of what to let go of if you want to approach my portrayal of Kafka.

Fanon: She's into coats, she looks great, ergo she's into fashion, ergo she's a fashionista, and so she'd be reading mindless fashion magazines, and other 'useless things'. Me: She's actively incredibly knowledgeable on the Aeons, she has great interest in the machinations of the human mind, the workings of psychology and how it plays into choice and whether fate is preordained or not, she has interests in films and books (remember: 'I also enjoy the feeling of reading about and watching others' lives' when telling her you like biographical films), classical instruments, she also wields a very ancient and significant sort of blade. Kafka also actively seems to grow bored, which tells me she needs stimuli, which seems to include intellectualism. Not only that, but it seems that: 'She must have sought something extraordinary. Everything she does comes at a great cost' in one way or another. so no, I don't see her as simply being into nonsensical that have no purpose or goal. Me: Oh and on the note of fashion— yes, most certainly. But can you then also talk about or tell me why her fashion seems unlike anyone else's so far? Can you talk about how intensely conservative it is versus anyone else in a Hoyo game? Can we talk about that, hmm?

So if you come across her waiting for you at a table, you'll see a book in her hands that will inevitably be put face-down. Philosophical works, biographies, written historical events/accounts? Take your pick.

[valise-hy]

Wailbone

"The sun will rise soon."

Just as abruptly as I had heard those words escape the Professor's mouth, I looked up from the ancient scrolls I had been given. "Excuse me?"

Lazily, the Professor ushered my attention away with the simple flick of his wrist. "I wasn't talking to you."

"Then to whom?" I asked. "Or to what?"

He shrugged. "No one in particular. You know I like to talk to myself."

He continued with his work, humming lullabies of a bygone era under his breath, ancient hymns like the nature of the work he had abandoned to continue with his blasphemous acts. What a heretic.

Hypocrite, I heard a voice call from the back of my mind. I brushed it off—the nature of my cooperation with the Professor was not a mutual one. As far as I was concerned, he was never going to succeed with my help.

Until now.

"There!" I heard a triumphant cry from the other desk in our dimly lit laboratory.

Hesitantly, I rose from my seat and peered over the Professor's shoulder. The wooden board he had been hunched over for hours housed a firefly's corpse, trampled unknowingly by passersby. By the time we had found it, it was beyond saving, yet the Professor was adamant that his theory would finally come to fruition.

"You're mad," I remembered telling him.

He only shrugged. "If I am, then why do you still work with me?"

I had my reasons.

Now, I watched as that poor firefly slept, drenched by the lavender alchemical liquid the Professor had brewed for weeks—quite the lavish burial. Silence enveloped the room as the two of us waited for nothing to happen. The firefly kept still. Then, the twitch of a limb. Then another. Then the flutter of wings and the return of light to its dimmed lamp.

"We've done it," said the Professor, mouth agape. "We've done it!"

You've done it, I wanted to tell him, but I kept my mouth shut. I could only watch the firefly begin to hover, wondering why the Professor's brewery hadn't failed like it should have.

My thoughts were interrupted by the man himself, who had grasped my hands and gripped them tightly. "Can't you see now? Death, the plague that befalls all, is reversible."

"I..." The words struggled in my mouth as I pondered, unable to accept my failure—no, his success. "I see."

The Professor frowned. "Cheer up, my friend. Does progress not delight you?"

"I've got other things on my mind," I replied, attempting to distract from the subject. "This text you've given me, it's impossible to decipher."

"Oh? But you decoded the other one so effortlessly." The Professor walked calmly over to my desk to inspect my work. "Let's see here. 'Death', 'moon', 'rebirth', 'taboo'... Yes, common words we've seen before. I see you've made note of those."

Taking advantage of his distraction, I located the reanimated firefly in the room and, luring it to my finger under the false promise of security, snuffed out its light once more.

Sorry, I told it, speaking to myself. You time has long passed.

"Ah," came a surprised remark from the Professor. "How interesting."

"What is?" I asked, discarding the fallen body of the firefly to the floor.

"Look at this." The Professor pointed to a word on the decaying scroll I was studying. "'Wailbone'. We've seen this before."

"What about it? You know the mages' texts often speak of nonsense," I spoke, avoiding his eyes.

"No, but you..." The Professor studied my expression. "You've certainly seen this before. It's what we spoke about when we first met. Do you recall that?"

"I don't," I lied. "Enlighten me, Professor."

The Professor chuckled. "I'm surprised by how much resistance you show to my theories, even after working with me for so long. And here I was thinking we'd finally be on the same page."

"We are," I assured him, following him across the room after he set the text back on the table. "Why are you doubting me?"

"Oh, you know, I have my reasons. You can't blame me. I'm a scholar. We doubt everything. Now, I remember this reminds me of... Aha!" The Professor, strolling across the room, arrived at an ivory scythe sitting idly in the corner of the room. "This weapon. You carried it with you when we first worked together. What did you say this was again?"

"A mage's tool, used in agriculture," I told him. "Its material resonates deeply with their magic."

"Tell me again, like you did back then. What is this made of?" The Professor's prying eyes glanced amusedly at me.

Damn it, I cursed in my head. Why must heretics be so infuriatingly clever? "Whale bone," I replied. "That's what I said."

"That's what I thought," he mused. "But this is not a cetacean's bone. It's an ancient material that slipped past the curiosity of mortals, undocumented by the scholars of old... or so we thought. What I believe you meant to say was 'Wailbone'."

Damn it.

"Do you know what I find quite interesting about you?" The Professor began to pace the room once more. "You translate ancient texts in with ease, yet you seem to struggle to decipher the modern language, such as the book I lent you the other day, which you returned alongside a note with words and their translations to... What's this?" He produced the note from his pocket. "The same ancient tongue as those texts you study. You can say that you've become immersed in old languages, but I imagine this note was not slipped in on purpose."

I froze. Amidst the flurry of accusations, I couldn't find the courage to form a rebuttal.

"And these are quite common words, too," continued the Professor. "I wouldn't bat an eye if these words were linked to our current topics of study, but by the looks of it... It seems as if you're using our translation work to gain more knowledge of the common tongue. Would that be correct?"

The more he talked, the more I found myself drawn to the handle of the Wailbone scythe.

"And if my analysis is correct, this, along with your knowledge of this particular material, combined with the traces of poison I've found in my alchemical brews..." I had to stifle a gasp at the last part of his sentence. "Then you must be far more knowledgeable about this than I am."

Even without turning around, I could see the triumphant grin on the Professor's face. "Am I correct, Psychopomp?"

"Now you've done it," I hissed under my breath, masking any trace of fear I had—not of him.

"Remember what I told you on the day we first met? 'We often betray ourselves'. This isn't nonsense I'm sprouting, these are facts. Now, pray tell," The Professor turned around. "To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit from a guide of souls?"

The scythe had found its way into my hands. "Do you seriously believe in such ridiculous myths and legends?"

"Oh, my friend, do you really think that I wouldn't entertain that possibility, given all the mages' texts we've studied?" He grinned.

"I must admit, your intelligence gets on my nerves," I remarked.

The Professor's gaze lowered to the fallen firefly on the floor behind me. "Look what you've done. You've ruined my experiment."

"I can't have you toying with the natural order of the world like it's a game," I told him. "Why else do you think I volunteered to help you when no one else did?"

He stared blankly at me, then laughed. "And to think you were truly interested. What a fool I was. I assume you're here to finish the job?"

"I wasn't going to." I brandished the Wailbone scythe at him. "But you succeeded. I'm not living with my failed mission."

To my surprise, the Professor seemed more interested in the scythe. "Ah, Wailbone. The legendary weapon of reapers of souls. One strike is enough to shatter a mortal's very core. This punishment is reserved for the most wicked of evildoers. Do you really wish to group me with them?"

"I have no choice." With a deep breath, I took my first step toward him. "Every transaction comes with a price. Such is the price you pay for your blasphemous research."

"Then do it," he said. "Kill me."

I paused. "You wish for death?"

"I don't have another way out," shrugged the Professor. "Or maybe I do. My interest in mortality will not disappear even when I die."

Was he being truthful? I couldn't tell. All I could think of at this moment was those who sent me here, and how their agonising reminders of my mission plagued my every night of rest. With one fell swoop of this cursed scythe, I would end it.

I had to move quickly. The sun would rise soon.

"Go on," spoke the Professor. "Do it."

I raised the scythe's blade to the heretic's neck. "Gladly."

[mad-hunts]

your eyes reflect me in a terrible way.

stolen from: @sanguine-salvation (thank youuu!)

tagging: anyone who wants to do this, tag me, and say i double dog DARED you to create one of these for your muse (:

[marigoldbaker]

Changed my bedsheets from the pretty ones that match everything to the ones designed for children that match nothing. As you can imagine this has made my wednesday

[solomorne]

osu pros are wild. i cant tell if i find it deeply attractive or incredibly disturbing. have yall watched them . its absolutely insane. theyre gonna bugger their fucking hands so fast. its utter madness ! is it sexy ? i think it might be. but oh my god is it disturbing to me at the same time

[fabdante]

tw physical abuse, violence, domestic abuse

*spins* I wonder if anybody ever noticed how quickly reboot Dante heals, and used it as an excuse to hurt him more/worse than they would've otherwise dared to when they knew he was going to be seen out in public? Because they know he can just heal up just fine (he's not fine- healing still takes energy, his healing factor still has a LIMIT, but its not like Dante'll ever tell them that, and they more than likely wouldn't care enough to stop if they knew), "so it doesn't matter what I do to him". Like, abusive foster parents, or guards, or teachers, or other people in positions of power. I wonder if Dante ever used that healing factor of his as an excuse to take physical abuse meant for somebody else, even if the victim wasn't someone he knew or they weren't kind to him, just because Dante knows they don't deserve to be treated like that? It still HURTS, but at least he can take it. (Besides, it hurts less than seeing someone else get hurt, and because he thinks he deserves it for being- who he is. Like maybe he thinks there must be something wrong with him for the demons to keep hunting him so doggedly.)

I wonder if he's ever been stabbed or shot on someone else's behalf? I wonder if he's ever killed someone that took the abuse too far, human or not? I wonder if he ever ran away into Limbo, because it made running from the cops easier?

Plus, reboot Dante has more control over his healing factor than preboot Dante seems to, so if reboot Dante needs to lie there and bleed for a bit to satisfy someone's sadism, he can. Very useful trick, that, sometimes. Especially if/when you need to play dead.

Ok so I may have gotten off topic but I'm very interested in the idea of reboot Dante and violence asdfghjk. I love characters and their complicated relationships to violence, it's a whole thing for me.

But yeah in an effort to keep this short my TLDR is: I think that yeah, Dantes been subject to a lot of abuse and his healing abilities could have enabled that abuse to be worse in the right scenario though I think he's very liable to start hitting back. I think he's definitely protected people he cares about with his healing abilities and he's definitely killed abusive people before (something him and Kat have in common). And I think the ability to play dead would be useful for him dfghjkl

In an effort to ramble about reboot Dante and violence, here's more post asdfghj (I'm not putting it under a read more but if anyone wants me to let me know):

I've come under the realization that I tend to categorize reboot Dante as more...violent and volatile then a lot of the fandom. I tend to characterize him like a scary dog in a lot of ways, largely a persona built out of a desire to protect himself and shut other people out. Which is to say I think he grew up in a lot of abusive and dangerous situations and given his unique circumstances he learned to hit back rather quickly. I wouldn't be surprised if Dante were someone's punching bag when he was younger and I wouldn't be surprised if he, given things like his healing abilities and what not, then decided to take this opportunity to punch back.

From what we see of him in game, particularly the late game conversation with Vergil about finding solace and release (the one where Vergil's like 'yeah I channeled all my energy into hacking because I felt like I didn't quite belong and it made me feel better what about you :)' and Dante was like 'yeah no I just slept around a lot and killed lots of demons' which was definitely not what Vergil wanted him to say asdfghjk), I think it's fair to assume Dante gets some sort of not exactly comfort or enjoyment from violence but a sort of like...it's sort of an outlet for his frustrations and emotions. And it's an easy outlet for those emotions.

I think there's also something to it with that one Barbara Kruger piece, this one:

The piece itself has like a homoerotic tone to it, at least I feel, particularly within the context of when it was made and all. But there's also this idea that like any sort of attention when you are starved from it is good attention. Here it's the idea that like these men want attention from other men but are too scared to receive it in a loving, kind way and so then turn to violence because it is some sort of attention, some sort of contact, with one another.

Which relates to what I want to talk about here, Dante is starved of affection and love which he copes with by both a lot of meaningless sex but also I think there's something to the idea that when you are touch starved, any sort of touch will do after a while. So getting into a physical fight, allowing oneself to engage in that, can give the sort of give a little hit of what he's looking for. Which is that sort of connection with another person, that like 'we're both here we're both alive you're real and I'm real' of a hug except you know, Worse. Like is a fight a kind interaction, no, but you can't really deny the fact you are both here in this moment and you are both alive and real as you drive a fist in a guys face. The idea that any attention is attention, even if it's bad attention.

I also tend to view him with very little care for his own self preservation. A mix of just not caring what happens to him but also that young person invincibility complex that's further enabled by the fact he can heal himself at will. Like he both is aware he can recover from injuries and all, but also fairly sure he's not going to live long, that sort of thing and isn't quite sure how much he cares to. But I definitely can see him, given the big heart he has down there that he likes to pretend he doesn't have, very eagerly playing human shield for people he cares about because he can take it and they can't.

So I think it's very likely he's taken hits on someone else's behalf before lashing out on the abuser/attacker. I don't think he takes abuse well, happening to himself or others.

I'm also very much of mind he has killed people who are not demons before because of the above.

There's also a lot of other angles to look at when it comes to reboot Dante and violence done by him or onto him to but I'm trying to keep this short asdfgh it's just a really interesting subject to me with characters, particularly characters already associated with violence.

[yeonban]

I was thinking there aren't enough memes catered to third parties on this site (ex. two muses talking about a third) which imo make rp flow so much smoother sometimes bc it feels more realistic for interactions to not start & end at only the two people directly involved, but then I realized... blud, you have a meme sideblog. You can literally make your own dreams come true