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inkskinned · 1 month ago

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i'm still trying to piece together the truth of it. when you left, you said: feel free to spin this narrative however you want. i have no idea if you were being cruel or if you just genuinely don't remember what you've done to me.

it's hard because i'd done so much of the work for you. i had seen the parts that flaked off, the rust underneath. i started separating you into two people - the one i loved, and the one who hurt me. i had this fantasy version of you - my partner - and then i had this stranger, a third person who would show up randomly to shatter me. i am deliriously glad i'm no longer with "the stranger". i miss the gentle (unreal?) "other" you terribly.

at first, i was so strict about my boundaries. i remember telling you to get the fuck out of my house if you were going to talk to me like that. by the end: i would justify your behavior for you, accepting even your mistreatment as "my fault" in the grand scheme. i look back on the person i was before you - smart, independent, confident - and i feel a strange sense of detachment. i don't even recognize me.

even in one of our last conversations, you said: if you want a partner that always talks warmly to you, find someone else. there was a time that a comment like that would have made me leave. and instead, somehow, i just placidly accepted that kind of thing. you were literally telling me that i wasn't allowed to have a reaction to your cruelty - and i just took it, because you'd so fully turned things around on me.

when people are faced with irrationality, a rational brain tries to make sense of it. this is the trap. they're lovely in the morning, gentle and blue-eyed and sweet. like nothing even happened, they breeze around the house and kiss you on the mouth. but at night; who is that? they snap almost randomly; flying into an impotent rage about just-about-anything. it just doesn't make sense. so the problem must be me, and my brain, and how i think.

the traumatized brain just wants peace. so maybe i'm misremembering. maybe you were just having a bad day. maybe it's actually me.

you eventually would fully turn on me and start implying that i am the bad actor in our relationship. that's what happens, right? that's literally in the playbook. you went to therapy for all of a month, told her a half-truth, co-opted therapyspeak. you figured out how to reframe your actions as "seeking peace." any time i stood my ground, i was "gaslighting." when i asked you to be more gentle, you said i was "tone policing." you said, randomly, i had emotionally manipulated you - i still have no idea what that's even specifically referring to. maybe my consistent requests for calmness and empathy?

and while i literally know better, and i'm sitting here, trained by you, thinking: wait, fuck. was i actually the person you made me out to be?

and the thing that scares me is that i literally do not know if you ever actually saw what you were doing to me. when you'd tell me how you remember arguments, you'd always summarize them in a way where you come off as gentle and easy: "i was trying to set an important boundary." what had actually happened was 15 minutes of you shouting at me i know you did something shady, just admit it already. eventually you'd say my reaction to your shouting (when i finally reacted, which usually happened around hour three) was inevitably "disappointing" and "another way i'm silencing your feelings."

how many times did i ask you - beg you - to just take accountability? looking back, i don't think i ever heard you say: you're right. the way i talked to you was wrong of me.

i am trying to tie together the two people into a full version of you in my head. yes, you made my coffee and made me laugh and spent hours on the phone with me. and yes - you would scream at me until i had to run away and hide behind something.

i wish i did have a narrative i could pull out and shape to my whim. i wish i did have some semblance of reality. instead i just stand here, strange and vibrating, wondering: what the fuck just happened?

#spilled ink #warm up #tbh more of a diary than a poem #i need to write this stuff down bc my ptsd likes to forget trauma pretty much WHILE it's happening #and any time i find myself making it ''my fault'' again i have to walk myself through the grounding steps #it's so hard to describe emotional abuse. bc it's so fucking easy to get sucked into #like. you're an empathetic person. so when ur partner comes to you after a nasty fight and is like #“i really was trying to get my feelings heard and you didn't hear me last night” you're like - okay you know what #i'll do the right thing. this is my fault. let me take accountability and try to empathize and talk things out.#with the assumption that later - it'll be ''your turn'' right. you'll be able to bring up the screaming and talk about how #you BOTH need to make a safe space for each other. that you can't listen if your partner is literally shouting at you.#since YOU reflect and grow and try to be a better partner. you assume SHE will be doing the same thing.#but it is never your turn. she will never bring up the screaming. you cannot tell if she LEGIT just doesn't feel culpable.#and when u bring it up. she says ''so i deserved you talking to me badly? <- this doesn't go well.#she says you're blaming her. she doesn't understand that arguments are ''two sides and the truth''. it's that 1 person is right and 1 isn't #so u try to talk it out. get both perspectives heard. but over time it just becomes easier to let her get her rant out and shut up about u #until one day you wake up and despite months of treating you terribly - and admitting it 3 weeks ago!!! - she's now saying...#you were always terrible . you were always the issue. she never got her feelings heard.#meanwhile you remember literally MONTHS of supporting her and listening to her and silencing yourself.#and bc she TRAINED you to accept fault ... you just say sorry. you feel insane. you feel incredibly unhinged.#meanwhile. i fully am the kind of person that will reflect. come back after a fight. apologize before you ask. say things like #“i see your side now and i was wrong about this/that/the other thing.” ...... this is EMOTIONAL MATURITY.#she literally started calling it ''mindgames'' and ''flip flopping." ........#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #<- girl who def was emotionally abused but also doesn't really understand that yet #anyway love u get OUT OF THERE IF YOU RELATE BYE!!!!

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batboopp · 24 days ago

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to me, the most brilliant moral that cass had taught herself during Puckett’s run in Batgirl 2000-that she had almost known instinctively- was that every single human life is so insanely precious, no matter how bloodstained that life might’ve been. it’s no wonder that despite the guilt that tore her heart open, she still lived that year before her fight with shiva to the absolute fullest. that despite her death wish, she still went out of her way to eat good food and smile and joke with the people she loved because those people mattered. it’s no wonder that she still took the time to lean against balconies and stare at the stars, that she wanted to feel the sun in her face and to take care of flowers, all because she was evolving and she hadn’t really had a chance to just be alive, without constantly running from something. how, despite everything, despite cain, shiva’s promise of death, and the guilt from all the blood on her hands, cass can not imagine treating any life like it’s worth less than nothing.

Just cass’s mantra that defined her very being since she was on the run from Cain that, even if you did bad things, you deserve the life-and chances that comes with that life-to do good, to be better than you were yesterday. you just have to want it, you just have to choose it before the person you once were. you deserve to live and to live fully, even if you have to sacrifice everything you’ve ever known, because the life you could live beyond that is worth every risk. the future deserves be seen and experienced by you, and not what the people in your life made you. you did one bad thing, but you’re not.

#cass my ultimate champion of rebirth #if you think you are unforgivable or inherently evil just remember: cass would probably get oracle to forge another identity for you #you just have to know you want to be better.#SAY IT WITH ME: NO ONE DIES TONIGHT #gosh! this has me thinking of one of my favorite quotes from her: “all this knowledge. no substitute for knowing.”#that quote was like ringing in my HEAD during issue 18 where tim has his heart-to-heart with cass #he says he was intimidated of her because she “turned herself around and became one of them” despite cain raising her in his image #he says he realizes he was wrong for treating her like a time bomb. he realizes that the very act of cass wanting to change was enough #and you know what cass does? she becomes friends with tim. she trusts him in return!#despite tim having the knowledge of what makes someone redeemable he just didn’t KNOW who cass actually was #so I just think it’s so beautiful that cass inspires everyone that redemption is possible no matter what <3 #ok sorry i’m done.#shoutout to issues 1 13 14 16 17 19 and OFCOURSE 25 #and he isn’t a part of cass’s suicide-by-shiva arc but ALSO SHOUTOUT to alpha #cassandra cain #batgirl #batgirl 2000

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silverwhittlingknife · 1 year ago

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So you're a go to source for all things Dick&Tim bros and you tend to write primarily from Dick's POV. So, odd question, but if you were to summarize their relationship from his POV in FIVE panels which panels would you pick? Keeping in mind that one specific aspect of their relationship that you love needs to be clearly represented by each panel (loyalty, trust etc). I hope this is a fun challenge and not an annoying question so if you don't want to answer that's cool! Have a wonderful day!

No more talk. The same thoughts run through two minds... (SotB 29) / You're my equal. My closest ally. (RR 1) / I can't stop thinking how much I rely on him. (GoG 3)

25 Feelings Dick Has About Tim

This was such a kind ask & a cool challenge which I totally failed; here are TWENTY-five panels of Dick's POV on Tim sdfdsfds Look, I got carried away! Marcia and Cindy! The boys!!

OKAY SO BEFORE I GET TO THE PANELS A FEW NOTES:

WARNING THAT THERE ARE SOME NEGATIVE EMOTIONS IN HERE because I love conflict but but but you gotta remember those are not the final word!! They are complicated people and sometimes they get mad at each other BUT ultimately their relationship is so hugely important in both their lives & they love each other and rely on each other so much -!!! <3

Also I have CONCLUDING THOUGHTS at the end about what Dick's POV leaves out (mostly: a lot of Dick defending & protecting & supporting Tim, which Dick does instinctively but isn't very self-aware about most of the time)

I have loosely organized my list into 5^5 format (5 categories with 5 examples each!), so if you want to skip to a relevant one, here are the categories!!

Below the cut:

I hate him and find him infuriating (#1-5)

On second thought, he's endearing & fun (#6-10)

Grief is complicated & he's all tangled up in mine (#11-15)

I love him & think highly of him (#16-20)

I rely on him & though it's hard for me, I trust him (#21-25)

I hate him and find him infuriating (#1 - 5)

1) He thinks he’s so smart and can psychoanalyze me and Bruce, but he doesn’t know me at all, he should get lost (New Titans 61)

2) He thinks he’s so smart and can psychoanalyze Bruce but he doesn’t know Bruce at all, he should get lost (Gotham Knights 26)

3) He is so nosy about stuff that is MY business (Robin 0)

4) He sounds like an insincere suck-up half the time... but okay, fine, if you push him he's got a sense of humor about it (New Titans 65)

5) I'm sure he's a better vigilante than me. It's my fault for being a failure, but I resent him anyway. (Nightwing 9 - Dick's having a nightmare)

On second thought, he's kinda endearing (#6-10)

6) He worries too much and gets anxious so easily, but it makes him fun to tease (Robin 67)

7) I'm not that competitive - okay, so maybe I'm a little competitive, I gotta make sure he doesn't get a swelled head (Prodigal)

8) I'm supposed to be his favorite! It is not cool for him to be fanboying over my not-girlfriend's not-boyfriend!! (Birds of Prey 19)

9) We have fun together. I can kick back and relax when it's just the two of us. Plus I get to boss him around a bit. (Prodigal)

10) He’s always trying to reassure me, and I guess it's a little comforting, but also he doesn’t really get it. Or me. He makes excuses that he shouldn't, because he doesn't understand that I suck. (Nightwing 64)

Grief is complicated and he's all tangled up in mine (#11 - 15)

11) He reminds me of everything I try not to think about. Sometimes the memories are so strong it hurts to look at him. (Batman 441)

12) WHY IS HE BEING IMPOSSIBLE ALL OF A SUDDEN??? THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING (Nightwing 139)

13) We're the same. He says all the things I don't let myself think about. It's like arguing with myself. (Nightwing 139)

14) He thinks he gets to tell me what to do but he doesn’t, fuck him (Battle for the Cowl)

15) Life sucks, so what. I sucked it up so he should too (RR 1)

I love him and think highly of him (#16 - 20)

16) He’s the closest thing to a brother I’ll ever have. If someone hurts him I will hurt them harder. (Nightwing 6)

17) I can't handle the idea of losing him. (Nightwing 97)

17) He’s so good and I’m not. I'm afraid I’m bad for him. (Nightwing 110)

18) He’s better than me, and it’s kind of a relief because I know no matter what he’ll be okay. (Gates of Gotham 3)

19) In my head he’s the responsible one. (Gotham Knights 10)

I rely on him, and though it's hard for me, I trust him (#20-25)

20) I know I have to trust him but I'm afraid he'll make the wrong choices and get hurt (Nightwing 139)

21) I'm sure I know what he should do because I see myself in him - not that I can take my own advice, but he should (Blackest Night 3)

22) I trust him. When I’m losing my grip on things, he pulls me back. (Gotham Knights 10)

23) I want him to trust me (Red Robin 12)

24) He can tell when I'm lying. Sometimes he sees my weaknesses better than I wish he did. (Detective Comics 874)

25) He’s always there when I need him. (Teen Titans / Outsiders Secret Files)

Final rambling thoughts:

TIM: Uhh, okay, so I'm just skimming this list - do you really trust me? you're not just saying that? - but anyway, I'm confused because you left some stuff out? Like some stuff that's kinda important? DICK: No? I think I got everything? TIM (starts counting on his fingers): The time I was having a bad day but then I called you. The time I got captured by Two-Face but then you saved me. The time I fell off a train but then you saved me. The time I fell off a building but then you saved me. The time I fell off a different building - DICK: I feel like you're trying to make some kind of point but I'm not sure what it could be.

SO THE THING IS, I put 25 panels in here and not a single one has Dick catching Tim when he’s falling!!! But I think that's a central motif of their relationship from Tim’s POV, not Dick’s. I love Dick, but in some ways I think he is spectacularly un-self-aware.

And I think he especially has a lot of blind spots about Tim. He kinda intermittently gets that Tim admires him, and he enjoys it in a playful I-get-to-boss-you-around way. But Dick tends to consistently underestimate all of his own good qualities & skills, and he meets Tim at a point in his life when he's especially down on himself & his abilities. And so he's unable to see his own influence on Tim, & therefore unable to fully understand a lot of Tim's priorities and loyalties and motivations, because you can't actually understand Tim without understanding Dick's impact on him. There's a fascinating moment in Bruce Wayne: Murderer when Dick's completely blindsided & upset to discover that Tim doesn't entirely trust Bruce, even though this has been a definitive fact of Tim's whole thing ever since he showed up with his Batman needs Robin theory, and Barbara has to actively remind Dick of the obvious-to-everyone-except-Dick fact that a lot of Tim's loyalty is to Dick, and Tim loves Bruce but feels free to be more wary of him. (And to give Bruce credit: this is not something he ever begrudges.) But anyway Babs points this out, and Dick manages to sorta process it for about five seconds, but he cannot actually accept it into his worldview so instead he discards it at the speed of light and goes off and has an argument with Tim instead sdfsfdsf

All of Dick's virtues - Dick's kindness at the circus and Dick's determination to fight through grief and Dick's rigid sense of morals and Dick's vigilante skills and every time Dick has ever backed Tim up or listened to him or protected him or saved him from something or just been casually kind to a stranger in Tim's presence etc etc etc - all these things loom really large in Tim's mental story of Who Dick Is, and What Dick And Tim's Relationship Is. Tim meets Dick before he meets Bruce, trusts Dick more than Bruce, aspires to be Robin instead of Batman. And so in Tim's default version of the story, Dick is the super-special and admirable hero and Tim is... nobody in particular, a tagalong outsider who's barely managing to be a hero, not part of Dick and Bruce's family and not part of their story, who, if he's VERY LUCKY and tries REALLY HARD, might be able to fight his way to proving himself and offering something to Dick that Dick will value, if Dick doesn't get fed up with him first.

But that's not Dick's version of the story!!!

Dick's version of the story is almost the exact opposite, a story where Dick's an outcast failure black sheep who's screwing up everything he tries, and meanwhile Tim is The Sudden New Perfect Robin Who's Better Than Me And Probably Bruce Loves Him More And Probably They Gossip About What A Loser I Am, mixed with a complicated edge of Tim Thinks He's So Smart But He Doesn't Know Me/Us At All. Dick gets much more attached to Tim over time, and Tim gets unnervingly better at the know-it-all psychoanalysis so then Dick gets to have complicated feelings about him being right instead of just annoyance at him for being wrong, plus Dick's relationship with Bruce improves a lot, so Tim stops feeling so threatening. But Dick never fundamentally changes his basic theory of their relationship in which Tim is highly impressive and capable, and Dick is not so much.

And so asking Dick about Tim is kinda like if you asked George Bailey to tell you about Harry Bailey in It's A Wonderful Life; like, you'll be there for five hours while he tells you how great Harry is, and how accomplished Harry is, and how he doesn't really get how or why Harry does the things he does, and maybe George does feel a little resentful or jealous sometimes, but that pales in comparison to all his admiration and trust for Harry who he loves so much, who's better than him in so many ways, and he's not gonna openly gripe but secretly he can't help but feel sometimes like he's such a failure in comparison to Harry, a perfect person who emerged fully formed from Zeus's head with all the virtues and also all the accomplishments, etc. etc. etc. --

-- and he will not actually remember the part where he changed and saved Harry's whole entire life unless you literally send him to an alternate timeline in order to force him to remember it. <3

#i enjoyed thinking about this so much i wrote a novel with All My Thoughts sorry sdfsdfs #tim drake #dick grayson #somewhat tangential but as i was writing this i was thinking about zahri's post #about how different types of stories offer different kinds of emotional payoffs #and i think for me for dick and tim the main two payoffs are:#1) someone who sees & understands your grief for deaths that will never get fixed or get better #and who will face your ghosts with you EVEN WHEN you're also mad at each other #2) someone who you look at and you see all the ways that you suck & he's better & you're a loser who's failed him etc etc #but it turns out that you're wrong. that you're good enough. not that none of the failures were real or that they were all in your head #but it turns out that it's okay that you didn't always immediately do or feel the right thing #and it's okay that you weren't perfect. you can fuck up six thousand ways & everything you did right will still matter #not because of making excuses or allowances or somebody pityingly trying to make you feel better #but because in the end the things you did right are just Genuinely More Valuable than anything you did wrong #all the times you tried & everything that you tried to give - everything you think wasn't good enough - it was.#IN OTHER WORDS they are both convinced they're not good enough & they are both wrong <3 #anyway dick and tim are both INCREDIBLY SIMILAR and also CONSTANTLY misreading each other and i love that for them #and like. they will sometimes totally misread each other & then never figure out the part that they misunderstood #but then they manage to keep going anyway. we love each other on purpose <333 #ask tag #dick&tim

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1296-very-good-year · 5 months ago

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Jinx directly and indirectly drives Jayce's entire arc in S1. She nearly kills him 4 times, and almost everything he does is in response to her actions, and the danger she represents by weaponizing Hextech. He only meets Viktor bc of her, and he only enters politics because she stole the gemstone.

They're such interesting foils too. Both genius inventors, one with strict morals and one without, I can't wait to see how season 2 will use this! Jinx abducted and terrified his surrogate little sister, and she blew up the peace deal just as he got every councillor to vote for it in the finale. Their meeting would be so crazy... Jayce must HATE her!

Meanwhile, Season 2:

And when they finally do meet... its offscreen....

#this jayce is a doppleganger #character assassination of the highest order #the writers couldnt continue their conflict bc if they did they wouldnt be able to ignore all the bad things jinx did in season 1 #which is what they needed to do to rehabilitate her #while turning jayce into the one who was wrong all along #for their dumbass world ending evil hextech plot #mine #arcane #arcane critical #jayce talis #jinx arcane #caitlyn kiramman #like damn jayce if only you invented explosives for fun you might have been allowed to live

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strawberryyyenthusiast · 2 months ago

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I personally don’t give a fuck whether Steve or Eddie tops/bottoms/doms/subs bc if the fic is good then I’ll read it‼️

With that being said… vers steddie and they have a designated coin that they flip each night to see which one will take which position. It’s a pink nickel that Steve painted and bedazzled with leftover gems that he found at Robin’s place so they don’t misplace the Coin™️

#steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #stranger things #strawb writes #robin buckley #they are sex fiends #when Dustin found the Coin and asked if he could keep it Steve had to pull the mom stance #one hand on his hip and the other held out for him to drop the Coin back into his palm #that is a very special Coin and cannot be replaced bc it has determined their positions for over two years #and it has never been wrong #Eddie is the type of person to turn all of the stuffed animals around so that they can’t see their -activities-#Miss Pebble is specifically put into the living room bc that is Steve’s child god dammit #diabetic steve harrington #diabetic steve verse #type 1 diabetes #rockstar eddie munson

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kirby-the-gorb · 7 months ago

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#kirby #daily kirby #my art #traditional #hal laboratory #nintendo #bro this weird little dude just turned up on my desk #what's wrong with him #(I got a big set of teeny tiny mini perler beads)#(I do not know how I managed to iron him so unevenly)#oh wait I almost forgot this is technically #1-pixel eyes

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starlingfawn · 3 months ago

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for the number playlist ask game, how about 2, 5, 21, and leafpool?

leafpool with 21!

fuera de contol

requests are still open!!

#art #artists on tumblr #music #starlingfawn's art #2025 #music art #wc #leafpool #warrior cats #asia menor #flores del naranjo #IT'S FINISHEDDDD #this took me 11 hours.........#but it's done aghh #i ❤️ leafpool #music based kitties #<- haven't usesd that tag in a while huh #anyways i had a lot of fun and also i suffered a lot #but i mostly like how it turned out!!!#requests are still open #i need to focus on artfight prep and do my things irl but i'd like to have a backlog of requests #also i like this album. a lot.#btw i'm going to make two minor tweaks to my playlist because 1. i realized i picked the wrong song for on artist #2. i left out one of my favorite bands of all time so i am going to sneakily swap out a song that hasn't been picked for one of theirs....#oh and i may not do requests in chronological order........ so yeah quick warning

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laddertek · 2 years ago

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etho having the time of his life lol

...bonus:

#for context tango's been doing some lackey runs. 1 with X and 2 with zed so far. although I think that warden death was just maintenance lol #(gem's stream)#(bonus context: T didn't know why the shop was giving the wrong embers. etho's “turn it off and on again” suggestion wasn't helpful xD)#decked out 2 #decked out 2 spoilers #hermitcraft #tangotek #tango tek #ethoslab #etho #tangtho

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eegnm · 2 months ago

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This wip has me giggling and twirling my hair at my own drawing faaawk

#why is she lowkey my dream girl SHE ISNT REAL #max verstappen #rule 63 #r 63 #yuri #wip #eggon #im actually so proud how her face turned out bc i didnt have a ref for that angle and had to fuse different ones in my head #f1 #formula 1 #why am i finishing all the wips in the wrong order 🧍‍♀️

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centipedetea · 2 months ago

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its killing me that spamton is going thru that situation where people hate woobifying fanon so much that they lean too far in the opposite direction and create fanon 2 where he's cartoonishly evil for no reason

#* ramblings #i get it i was there back when the salt route happened but. the game doesnt exactly portray him as only irredeemable #dont wanna say he did nothing wrong or contribute to the deltarune equivalent of vriscourse..#he's supposed to be the personification of spam and computer viruses yada yada and i wouldnt want it any other way #but the discussions about him are a bit frustrating specially regarding the weird route #like. he's some insane spiteful manipulative homeless guy with no real agency over his own life anymore #<- again not excusing the shit he does but like u can see why he's desperate #its says a lot about him that he gives you the thorn ring knowing full well what it can do but also #i hate when people act like He gives you the ring so its his fault and hes the one true irredeemable villain of the game #(even in the route where that shit never happens)#like bruh you control the buttons you press maybe just dont buy into the things the mentally unwell guy with revenge fantasies is saying..#it takes away the whole thing abt the weird route being the player's fault where you have the chance to turn back 1 million times #which annoys me a lot #but uhm back to spamton. his thing is that while hes not a good person There is an outcome where he doesnt kill everyone #and sort of warms up to the fun gang i guess..#(I got a bit emotional about kris getting reminded of him bc of the pile of hay Ok Leave me alone.)#he's just. nuanced i guess. due to the aforementioned lack of agency its your actions that decide how he ends up #And i chose that he gets to be around doing whatever the fuck with jevil on kris's pocket #so can twitter please stop showing me spamton discourse. Thank you #if he's so evil then why does he fold the moment he sees tenna kept his invasive species thing huh. take that liberals #<- k i figured it out. hes gay and evil #all that im gonna say is that id appreciate if people came up with their own takes based on the stuff thats in the game instead of-#-mindlessly agreeing with one or two popular takes. art is a mirror of yourself and whatever you think of it should come mainly from you..

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housemdork · 12 days ago

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house md rewatch: 3x08, "whac-a-mole"

number 1 wilson defender, reporting for duty, folks.

the fact that "finding judas" comes after this one is crazy. house md really said "audience goodwill? what's that?" and i'm so here for it.

oops, all wilson!

to be honest, i have been fully prepared to hold down the wilson fort without quite remembering the trenches of season 3, wherein the writers sure did a hell of a lot of work to redeem him, without making it overly simple or sacrificing any character work. i love this guy (could you tell?). i find him remarkably consistent, and i thank RSL each day for the love and care he put into this guy. so yeah - oops, all wilson! awaits you below. this will come at the expense of just about every other character apart from house so apologies in advance.

post car-towing, we very quickly get into the wilson heart of this episode in a rare out-of-hospital-without-house scene between wilson and his divorce lawyer. he's lamenting about this problems with tritter, having faxed him the details to illustrate how in the shitter he is, and his lawyer sure doesn't pull any punches. he grills wilson about the number of vicodin pills found in house's apartment, presses about how one individual could sincerely "need" that much, to which wilson grows increasingly frustrated. wilson eventually asks, "what, are we, like, roleplaying?"

to which his lawyer responds: "yeah, and you suck at it, which is really unfortunate because you're pretending to be you."

and the crowd (me) goes wild!

wilson is actively failing to play a role because house is involved. this scene shows us that, as tritter's investigation carries on, wilson's most beloved persona, the upstanding doctor, won't fit with his attachment to house. these things are incongruous, and his failure to even "pretend" to be himself requires a judgment call: what is more himself, doctoring or house?

me when i'm james wilson and i have to figure out who i am, fundamentally, as a person:

3x08 will then move on to feature the innerworkings of wilson's oncology practice in its most fractured state - a lot like his own state. with his license suspended, he's effectively unable to do anything for his patients, which (immediately and understandably) turns his frustration up to level 11. when house sends cameron off to write wilson's scrips for him (as a means to get chase alone, not to actually help wilson), this doesn't work out, either.

first, cameron is reasonably concerned about any deviation from the rules while under tritter's gaze. when she hesitates to start dishing out prescriptions for patients she hasn't met, wilson gets offended at the implication that she may not trust his medical opinions. that would be another hole in the Doctor Persona, the one that's never supposed to crumble.

what's also worth nothing is wilson's rebuttal to cameron: he has "met them. diagnosed them and everything." the bane of his doctorly existence, just a balcony away, can rarely say the same thing, and has his medical opinion lauded as virtually infallible by everyone BUT wilson.

moving on, their compromise is that cameron will sit in on wilson's appointments. this seems like business-as-usual for a member of house's department, wherein professionalism is often a necessary sacrifice for the greater good, solving the case. but the doctor/patient dynamic is so different in the brief interaction wilson has with beth.

beth and wilson have a real discussion about the benefits and drawbacks of adjusting her medication; she confides her personal reasons to him, and he rebuffs not in a smug, I Know Best Way, but in the voice of someone who wants to work with you, a tone which house just doesn't know. it's actually really reminiscent of how cameron reasons with patients imo - wilson just bears the scars of having done it for however many years.

it makes sense that beth feels uncomfortable with a stranger in an otherwise private portion of her life - a portion that wilson can access because he is a Kind, Upstanding Oncologist (persona or not, it's true and it works!). the appointment ultimately goes awry when cameron accidentally instills the same subliminal doubt for wilson's medical judgment into beth, and it's kinda devastating.

the parting question - "then why is she here?" - is just another ticked box. house, via tritter, has infected every part of wilson's most functional persona. the doctor who people apparently thank for telling them that they're dying can't sustain himself. and much in the same way that self-interest and bureaucracy inhibit house's practice, those same forces inhibit wilson's, just in wildly different forms.

so what i'm getting at, in short, is that wilson is forced to choose behind his operating unconditional love for his profession/his patients or house; 3x08 posits that these things are in opposition to one another. and as wilson will say later on, house will be no help: "you were either gonna help me through this or you weren't. i got my answer."

the next chunk i need to address (and i'm sorry for being so all over the place here!) is how i think jack, the patient and sole caregiver of his 2 younger siblings, is analogous wilson in the ongoing tritter scenario. lowkey thought this was too good to be true as we were watching (we are asked to sympathize with him? outright? sign me up!), but when jack admits that taking care of his brother and sister is a burden to him, i knew we were in business.

throughout 3x07, house will decry all suggestions that jack is noble or self-sacrificing (more on that soon). this harkens back to his 2x02 beef with andi, who he could not believe was brave enough to live on just for her mom. house cannot find meaning in suffering alone, so he insists that jack must resent the hand he's been dealt in life, despite powering through it. when jack admits this, it's only a gotcha moment for house, though. of course this 18 year old is exhausted and bitter; but love can coexist within that and, more importantly, bely it.

house to jack: rejecting the bone marrow transplant "is your way out. guilt free."

jack to house: "i know every second of every day that they need me, but i'm too young to be their dad."

house to jack: "good for you."* this is so fucking rich and evil of house to say and i will be coming back to it.

in this scenario, this agonizing admission that jack wishes he didn't have to take care of his siblings parallels wilson's wish to not take care of house. like the life is being drained from jack from the onslaught of infections the team pumps him with, wilson is being drained of his car, his money, his home, and his remaining sense of self. the fact that the next scene over is house pestering wilson like nothing is wrong speaks volumes.

yet again, this begs one of my favorite questions - is it wrong to gain from loving someone? if jack's decision to delay treatment protects himself, does that mean the love he shows by protecting his brother is canceled out? why can't these things coexist? because we are too human to parse through it. if wilson's love, however self-serving, produces love and kindness in turn, is it wrong?

next to 3x07's talk of "changing conditions," foreman's diatribe to house about self-sacrifice is the most blatant characterization we've had of house and wilson's problems yet. as soon as house opened his mouth to reply, i knew exactly what his ass was gonna say.

foreman: "you're pathetic. you'll analyze anyone's faults, hypocrisies, weaknesses, but this kid's got some strength, and all of a sudden there's no time to talk about anything but the medicine. i know the notion of self-sacrifice is foreign to you."

house: "you want to think that he's sacrificing himself because if one person can do it, then maybe the world isn't the cold, selfish place you know that it is."

house later calls jack's choice to delay treatment "moronic," born only out of duty and no choice. funny how, in the previous episode, wilson highlighted how their relationship is one of few born distinctly out of choice, and house went right along with this diagnosis. house's lack of introspection is maddening in 3x08, very, very well done, and comes to a head in this conversation with wilson that i keep dancing around.

if house could see what the episode was clearly laying down - that jack's self-sacrifice issue is just like wilson's - he'd be telling wilson to just admit that he doesn't want to do this anymore. it would be "good" for wilson to crack, to show some selfishness, to understand that he's done enough. instead, wilson is the one who begs house to take accountability, and what does house say to this?

"you are not gonna make me feel guilty about what tritter is doing to us."

i don't think he's made me this angry yet guys like what the actual fuck ( i love it. i love this episode. i love the confidence house md has to disassemble all the respect we once held for house [and i love how it especially comes to a head in the next episode]).

NOT ONLY THAT. BUT HE THEN HAS THE GALL TO SAY THAT WILSON IS "SUFFERING LOUDLY?" AND WHEN HE BASICALLY PITTED THEIR PATIENTS' URGENCY AGAINST EACH OTHER TO PREVENT CAMERON FROM HELPING WILSON? GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER (i know you will and i love you and i love your complexity and your character).

wilson's rejection of "us" and his throwing house out of his office (which is typically a non-boundary for them) shatters all talk of commitment lately. again, if house knew how to take what he dished out, this would be wilson's "good for you" moment, and wilson would run to tritter that very moment (lol). this is 1x18 on steroids.

the only parting note of positivity that i can find comes from foreman, who's played an interesting go-between role this episode, struggling against the innate house-ism that wants him to believe nobility is a lie. after jack decides to let his siblings go, foreman tells jack that he will make the hard decision, that will eventually lead to the better outcome for himself and his siblings:

"three months from now, six months from now, you'll be visiting them, and you won't be able to say goodbye. you're gonna know you screwed up. you'll take his bone marrow. and then you'll take them back. and they'll be a burden, and a pain, and your life will never be what is was supposed to be, but you'll be proud of yourself."

jack: "i don't think so."

foreman: "it's what i want to believe."

LOOK AT FOREMAN. HOLDING DOWN THE HILSON PROPHECY. HELPING US PREGAME HOUSE'S FIRST STINT IN REHAB (this is sooo wilson-dropping-house-off-at-the-facility-in-season-5-coded).

and it's what the audience wants to believe, too, which is why 3x08 ends with the gut punch of house leaving wilson at the bus stop. what a nice way of contrasting wilson's new lack of mobility after his car was impounded with the vehicle that started this entire tritter mess (the motorcycle).

there's a lot to say about the ducklings in this episode, especially the games and how cameron really embraces her inner house while foreman tries to surpass it. the way he appeals to each of them for vicodin and how his devotees are the ones to waver in the face of a shaken god. how cuddy is the one to crack for the greater good while slighting her friend's best interests. house's shoulder pain. but i am very much distracted by the wilson of it all, and i think i would point to this episode as reasons why maybe we DON'T have to crucify wilson for the season 4 finale.

but that's getting ahead of myself.

#one of those episodes where you have to pause and talk to the invisible audience next to you bc what was just said was so crazy and horrible #turn to your partner and gag at house's villainy #this one has been so hard to write you guys i still get nervous about wilson #i need to unlearn shame i have enough nuance i can defend my points and acquiesce when i'm wrong (self affirmations)#he looks so good too great now i'm nauseous #house md #malpractice md #greg house #james wilson #eric foreman #lisa cuddy #robert chase #allison cameron #house md rewatch #rewatch 1 #season 3 #hilson

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