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Is it possible to still have crushes?

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Is this depression?

I don’t even have the energy to type it all. Being a caretaker is bring back some ptsd of solely taking care of my mom after her accident. This makes me not want to have kids. I haven’t left my home. I’ve been glued to the hip to Blu. Lucky that work is slow and they’ve let me wfh for his recovery. I finally went to walk today. After months of walking 5 times a week. It was a refresher. This year has been heartbreaking so far. I just want to skip to the part where it gets better. I don’t even feel like being affectionate to my dude. He is my safety net but my mind isn’t on affection, just protection and being able to collapse emotionally in his arms.

That’s all I got

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Just turned 27 and already having a crisis. Who the fuck am I, what the fuck am I doing, what is life, what do I have to show for it? Shit has been really trippin’ me up. I feel like I’m in a grey area fr.

Can’t wait til the fog clears.

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Well, well, well…

Damn, it’s been truly forever since I’ve opened this app up. So much has changed, especially recently. New job, new style of life, more realizations, and just life in general. It’s all been happening back to back to back that I haven’t had the chance to take a breather and just process. I guess you can say this is me doing that. Man in just the few weeks I’ve been at this new spot, I very much realized how fucking toxic my last place was. It’s disheartening, but on the flip side, very necessary for me to go through. That place brought out my voice, which I always had, but it was very silent. So kinda got to thank them for getting me mad enough to speak. Back to the agency grind and it’s nice to feel like your work is making a difference and everyone is on the same work flow. Productive as fuck. Agency’s tagline is literally “Get Shit Done.” Its intimidating to be there but I know the growth will be worth it. I unlocked the next level of life and just working through the quirks of a new change. All in time.

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Feels different,

Like... it’s crazy how when you get older you start to really come into your own. I feel myself in this growing phase of really trying to unravel what kind of woman I am. Some of it is positive, and some of it is negative. And I’m struggling with the negatives. To many around me - they are surprised when I tell them that I truly don’t notice the traits I display before them. I’ve come to the realization that I’m a perfectionist and I’m pretty competitive. Both are a blessing and a curse tbh. Another that I’ve recently been told is that I’m stubborn. And tbh it’s hard to hear.

Recently had an argument with one of my closest friends and we both weren’t ready for that. This is the first time we’ve not been on the same page + it showed. A thought crossed my head at one point that was like “Do I even want this person in my life? Is this causing unnecessary drama? Is it worth it?” And that’s sad to even think about. So much more details to this situation that it’s made me question what kind of friend I am.

I like to think that I’m a supportive friend. But maybe idk I don’t show it often? I’ve never been one to randomly text friends and ask them how they’re doing... it just always seemed like a convo we would have when seeing each other in person. Or I would see them so often that asking how they were never really comes up. But we’re all adults and things are different.

Like have I made a career my priority? Yes. Has that affected my friendships? Maybe. Do I feel somewhat embarrassed for admitting that? Yes. Has my long term relationship been a factor? Subconsciously maybe, but I truly don’t think it has any direct effect on it.

At the end of the day it all comes back to me. What kind of friend can I be from now on without trying to be some type of person or friend that I’m not? How can I strive to be better while it still feeling genuine to my character?

A fucking twister of emotional shit. Lord help ya girl.

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Wow.

It’s definitely been a minute since pouring my thoughts on here. Things have been so crazy since, especially in my work life. So much that I haven’t even had the chance to process it yet.

It’s crazy how much your body can react to stress. I didn’t find out until recently. My body took a toll over the lack of sleep, anxiety of hitting deadlines, change of pace, and even more. And the craziest thing, is that I didn’t even know it was happening.

I’ve taken on a couple extra jobs outside my full time and at the time I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal but man it has kicked my ass. But in a weird retrospect way- I enjoy being busy and being involved with other creators / actual creative/art directors. It validated my career in a bit to be busy and building decks and working with clients.

Shoutout to networking; I would not have those freelance jobs if it wasn’t because of it. This will all be worth it since it’s a big financial help to the process of me getting braces. Adult braces, I know, but it is genuinely something I’ve always wanted and unfortunately growing up my parents were not financially capable of doing it. So now that I have a strong financial foundation, I’m making it happen for myself and it feels amazing and fucking liberating.

So much more to catch up on, but I’ll leave it here for now.

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It’s been great...

Yooo I almost forgot about this digital diary for a bit there. I’ve been so bliss and happy tbh. My boyfriend has been on vacation for the past week and a half and it’s been the best thing. We’ve been able to spend some real time together. Joke around, be goofy, late night drives, long walks, deep conversations, and of course the love!

Really don’t want to see this end but reality has to set in sometime. He also got into CSUN! Crazy how I talked about that a couple post ago and here I am confirming that idea. Shit is looking up.

As far as me creatively, I feel like everyone around me is creating some dope ass shit. And I’m just trash lol this could be normal I guess but I straight up feel like im following the same system design wise, especially at work. Tryna see if they’ll pay me a bit more so I can just get the bag, pay my debts, and move on to something that can fill this creative void.

Til then, listen to World We Created - Giveon . The lyrics hit me different this past week. Maybe you’ll see why.

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Look at me yo.

Wow, I was looking back at my old posts and damn, my mindset has changed so much. Going on over a month working out 5 days out of the week + I feel great. Already seeing tiny progress and for the first time I don’t want to stop. It’s so weird, like where did this motivation come from lol

But on the other side, besides bs at work, I haven’t been too creative or working on anything on the side. I got this passion project Lettered Tunes and I haven’t even touched my ipad for the past month.

I also said I would update my website but I also haven’t touched that. But tbh, it’s okay.

I don’t always have to be creating and I’m slowly learning that. Like it’s okay to take a break and focus on myself, making myself feel good ya know?

Hope this grind continues and maybe down the line I’ll find that balance of creating + showing myself some love.

Til then though, might fuck around and get skinny ?!?!??! Haha I hope so.

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Really don’t want to work out tonight, but I’m on a 3 week streak, need some motivation asappppp

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Well...

I’m trying to find new ways, to keep this alive. Other things may be occupying the time and I should understand that and I do, but there should always be effort to at least try. I tried. And my efforts became silenced when no light or attention was put on it. I need to feel like I’m not walking into the expected because then it’s.... boring. I usually am not one for change but I have been openly inviting it ever since the pandemic hit. I don’t want to see this fall, hence my efforts. But I can’t keep giving direction and laying out instructions on how to fill this weird void that’s been building and I’ve given it no attention until I stepped back and really started to examine it’s surroundings.

Could be the times, or just the day. Some days I’m enfatuated and others my attention is elsewhere. Is it me? Not 100% on that one to be honest. Hope this can all change soon or just take a step into the direction of change. At least.

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Do yourself a favor and listen

Stay Tru - Mereba

We drivin' on the west side

9:45 you ask should we light up

I say alright that would be delightful

I think I like you, kinda enticing

So, you wanna know what it's looking like and

That's justified 'cause it's been some time but

I don't know, no, I don't know

See I'm hella hip this time

Ain't going down with no ship this time

Cut the bullshit this time

Crazy how some lips could just kiss me blind

No, no, not this time

See I'm hella hip this time

Ain't going down with no ship this time

So cut the bullshit this time

Crazy how some lips could just kiss me blind

No no, not this

Don't play me like a fiddle

Keep another love with me up in the middle

No, stay true like a true one do

Don't play me like a fiddle, I'm a clever one

I'm up on all your riddles

No, stay true like a true one do

I'm sick and tired of the compromising

I'd rather sleep with no one beside me

Than with a ghost with a heart that froze

Don't get it twisted or I'll have to dip

It's imperative that you don't forget

Just who it is that you playing with

See I'm hella hip this time

Ain't going down with no ship this time

Cut the bullshit this time

Crazy how some lips could just kiss me blind

No, no, not this time

See I'm hella hip this time

Ain't going down with no ship this time

So cut the bullshit this time

Crazy how some lips could just kiss me blind

No, no, not this time

Don't play me like a fiddle

Keep another love with me up in the middle

No, stay true like a true one do

Don't play me like a fiddle, I'm a clever one

I'm up on all your riddles

No, stay true like a true one do

Don't play me like a fiddle

Keep another love with me up in the middle

No, stay true like a true one do

Don't play me like a fiddle, I'm a clever one

I'm up on all your riddles

No, stay true like a true one do

Hip this time

Ain't going down with no ship this time

Cut the bullshit

Please, just cut the bullshit

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Would you?

Saw a job posting for, tbh, a dream job. I’ve wanted to work here since I discovered the people, the brand, and have literally fallen in love with everything they do.

Job is in Waco, Texas. Seriously considering it. Texas sounds so fun. I’ve never been so open to just leaving LA. It’s been my home my whole life, down to the same neighborhood.

My ass doesn’t have anything updated and I would be doing myself a disservice if I were to apply with the portfolio, website, and resume I have right now. I’m way better than what they look up under my name.

This also probably means I would be going out there alone, my boyfriend has school to worry about and I don’t want him to stop on my account. Long distance relationship. Crazy! Never done that before, so it’s a scary thought.

Lol I’m over here acting like I got the damn job already. I gotta chilllll. This fuels me to get the ball rollin’ on my work though. Maybe this was the jump I needed.

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He said “Just cause”

He got me flowers today, just because. I love that so much. It made my day, my week. Something so simple. “I thought about you all day today.” Warmed my heart.

Seven years. Seems like a long time, but time really does fly when you’re in love. Keep dating everyone says, and they are so right. Never stop trying to impress eachother, keep flirting, and be raw as fuck. Longevity is a result of all of those things and more...

My boyfriend is literally my best friend. And I usually use that term extremely loosely. Never really believed in that idea at all. But he’s proven me wrong, and that someone you can count on 150% of the time, one who will always hear you out, catch you when you fall, and help you jump any hurdle in your way really does exist.

So why aren’t you guys married?

We get that question constantly. It’s a little annoying, but I get the question. It’s all in timing. We are still young, still things we want to accomplish... together and individually before we really decide to settle down. Can’t wait though, and we’ll be the best parents if we ever really decide to procreate. Thinking about that gives me chills in the very best ways. We’ll get there on our own, and it’ll be OUR story.

Fucked up how society expects all relationships to hit milestones at the same time. All of them are different. Let’s respect that shit.

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Nothing is worse

Nothing is worse than being uncomfortable in your own skin. Been uncomfortable for as long as I can remember. Some days I shine and I feel confident as fuck. Other days I’m just like how did I let myself get to this size? Maybe society did that. I know better than to pay attention to all of this outside noise but for some reason I can’t help it. I know what I have to do to get to the size and figure I would like to be, but I can never do it.

Currently feeling like just wrapping myself in a blanket and just zoning out. But that isn’t productive. So I’ll start again tomorrow for the 18374829484729292nd time.

Don’t even feel like being at work and dealing with all the bullshit I gotta catch up with after missing a couple days.

Anyways, cheers to a better Liz, hopefully.

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My boyfriend has worked overtime for a whole week now and now it might be more overtime this upcoming week.

I understand he has to make money and all that but fuck, I miss him. Between his job and me taking care of my mom there really isn’t “us” time.

I hate his job. To those couples who actually have the luxury to fall asleep next to your partner, man, consider yourselves lucky.

A late night vent.

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Just got iff a 45 minute call with my dad. We don’t see eachother often, even pre-covid. Maybe once every other week or sometimes once a month and usually just for him to drop off some money to help me financially.

It’s kinda always been like that. He had been there financially for me and maybe emotionally in my early years. I mean, he is the reason I’m such a huge laker fan. Laying on his chest watching the games and always loving being able to scream whenever Kobe made a shot.

Then it got to the weird time where we moved to our first family home. I swear to god that place was haunted and I realize, now that I’m older, that that place is what fucked it all up. My brothers got even more involved in gangs, drug abuse, a brother moved out, another brother landed in prison and being disgnosed mentally ill. And is still serving his time as we speak, but that’s an emotional rollercoaster for another time.

It’s also the time in my life where my parents split, the recession hit, and our home got sold to the bank so we were forced to move out. My older sister left for college around this time and my other sister was getting into the street life; hardly home. Hell, I would help her sneak out all the time, I’m the real MVP for that lol

& I feel like that could have fucked me all up mentally but tbh i was also never home. My mom was so on top of my brothers since they needed her attention more than the rest of us, and my dad had a set routine of going to work, coming home, shower and dinner, then head out to his nightly AA meetings. I was always at my friend Jazzys house, who was the daughter of my drill team coach, Ms. Ruiz. She was basically my second mom, even lived with them for a year after we lost the house.

So to bring this all back around, we all got disconnected. Especially me and my dad. It turned into a phone relationship. I still feel odd when he tells me “I love you” and not because its creepy or weird, but its cause its not something we said very often. We werent the “love you” kind of family. We didnt really show affection.

But being on this 45 minute call with him, it felt so genuine. We talked lakers, old stories about his childhood, his dad being an alcoholic (which i just learned, which makes sense that it kinda runs in my family) and my cats. I even gave him relationship advice! Lol we laughed. I love hearing my dad laugh, it’s the funniest thing. He is such a sweet dude and he means so well. Our relationship might be weird and not the usual like others, but I’m glad it’s unique to us and our story.

Family. Shit is twisted.