tisbutapenandiambutitsvessel

[tisbutapenandiambutitsvessel]

So there's this kid I babysit.

She always wants to play her favorite TV shows with her dolls.

Last night she wanted to play The Owl House. Sweet. As a queer person I love the Owl House. She tells me that her dad doesn't like how in the show there's two girls in a relationship . I told her that's what I loved about it. (I like to expose her different perspectives and opinions on things, since she's homeschooled and doesn't really have any friends.) She (being eager to make me happy, because again, I'm basically her only "friend" despite the massive age gap) tells me that she likes it too.

So she pulls out her dolls and we start playing, but instead of Amity and Luz, she's doing Luz and Hunter. And I hated it, I hated it so much but I let it slide and didn't say anything because 1)she's 9 and 2) Luz is bi anyway and that's how I rationalized it in my head to make myself not wanna cry, and 3) I don't feel like it's my place to have a conversation about the harmful implications queer erasure with a literal child. Nor did I have the energy for that.

So whatever, we play her game, the night comes to an end. But I can't help thinking about it.

And the more I think about it, the more it strikes me as a massive case of comphet. Like she's so zoned into her and her family's ways of thinking that even when a different one is presented to her, she feels like she has to twist it back around into her family's school of thought. Sounds a lot like Compulsory Heterosexuality to me. I'm not say this kid is queer, or she's going to be in the future. Nothing like that. She's just so honed into the school of thought of boy+girl, that even when girl+girl is out before her, she feels dismissive of it.

I'd like any other insights on this from others.

And yes, you can ship whoever you want, this isn't about shipping. She's not a fandom nerd like we are. She's a kid. She doesn't even know what shipping is. I feel like she just picked the main white boy, and the MC and thought "let's go, that's what it's supposed to be."

[tisbutapenandiambutitsvessel]

When I first realized I was asexual, only my brother knew. He's my best friend, of course he was the first one to know. That was the only time I'd said it aloud for a long time.

And for the longest time, I was a bit insecure about my Ace identity, only ever whispering "I'm asexual" or "I'm ace" quietly to myself when I was alone, hoping nobody heard me, fearing being outed but needing to affirm myself of who I was—who I am.

After a time, I couldn't say how long, I stopped caring about being outed or feeling like I had to affirm myself self. I just simply was this. This was who and what I am. No shame, no fear. I didn't care if someone knew, or if someone had a problem with it. It was their problem, not mine.

And the thing is, I couldn't tell you what changed. I suppose I just became accustomed to myself, with enough quiet repetition, the affirmations worked. Or perhaps I simply settled into my new normal as I got to know a truer version of myself who prior to my Ace awakening thought themself to be broken.

I wasn't broken.

I'm not broken.

I am Asexual.

[tisbutapenandiambutitsvessel]

I was reading tonight's episode of Marionetta by Miriam Bonastre Tur on Webtoon (absolutely amazing, 10/10, no notes! Gorgeous artwork, vibrant characters! Please please please read it), and I saw the frame of Sahed in the doorway. His styling and manner of dress is very similar to my main OC. And it crossed my mind "Hmm ... Is my OC that hot too?" And as I wondered this and admired the artwork, it occurred to me that since I've been out as Aroace, I've had an increasingly easy time admitting and/or identifying when someone's hot. Not even just fictional characters. I can be scrolling social media and find the most beautiful people and recognize that they're hot. Not that I'm attracted to them in any way other than aesthetics, but I can understand that they're hot in ways I couldn't before I found my Aroace identity. I wonder if other Aroaces or even just Aces and Aros in general have experienced this? Is this something unique to my Aroace experience? That's the beauty of being a-spec huh? We all have such varied experiences! I guess that really could be said for queer folk in general, though. 🩷

[tisbutapenandiambutitsvessel]

My Fault

Constantly I attempt to please you.

And constantly, I fail.

I fail to make you happy.

I fail to do things right.

As hard as I try, it's never enough,

It makes feelings tough.

And it's my fault when it comes crashing down.

My fault your plan fell apart.

My fault you don't have what you want.

My fault that you're mad.

My fault that you're sad.

My fault that it broke.

I feel like such a joke.

Everything is always

My fault

My fault

My fault

It makes me angry

That you blame me,

but I'd never tell...

Because then you'll be furious

No need to be curious,

Because it'll be

My fault.

[tisbutapenandiambutitsvessel]

Fear of Love

I feel it again.

The desire to withdraw,

To pull away.

Away from you,

Away from them,

Away from everyone.

I can't get close,

Can't open up,

Can't let you in.

So I pull away.

It's not you.

Really.

You're amazing.

Anyone would be lucky.

Lucky you're in their life.

Lucky you're their friend.

I'm lucky.

Yet still...

I pull away.

Please,

Pull me back.

Please,

Hold me tight.

Please don't let me

Pull away.

[tisbutapenandiambutitsvessel]

"Auntie?"

I look over at my nephew. He sounds nervous. There's a fear in his voice and my heart goes cold. I try to not let it show. Try to stay calm.

"Yes, baby? What's up?"

Nailed it.

"I have something I need to tell you, and mom, and Dad," he said, looking at the floor. " And I know you're gonna be cool about it, but dad's gonna loose it."

"Well then, for now it can be between us if it's not putting anyone in any danger." I smile sweetly. " So, what's going on? "

I know his dad's a shithead. Don't know what my sister saw in him; openly racist, sexist, and homophobic. Whatever, it was her business. But, I'm basically the one who raised this kid. I changed his diapers when he was a baby, I fed him, bathed him, clothed him, walked him to school and fought bitchy teachers for him, helped him through...male issues when he first hit puberty. I'm more of a father to him than his dad ever was. Fuck that guy.

"Auntie... I... I'm... I think... Gah! This is so hard to actually say out loud!" He took a sharp breath, then all in one breath and quickly strung together he said, "Auntie, I'm a girl! I'm transgender!"

My eyes widened with pride and I hug my niece tightly. "That's wonderful, baby! I'm so proud of you for figuring that out! I just have one question."

"What is it?" She asks me.

" What's your name? " I smile warmly.

She blushes and smiles. " My name's Aurora Dawn. I wanted to choose something related to colours because of you. You taught me everything I know about art, and because of you it's been something I've loved my whole life."

I tear up. " That's a beautiful name, Aurora Dawn."

" Thank you, Auntie," Aurora Dawn says. Her smile fades. "I'm just afraid of what Dad'll do when he finds out. I'm afraid he'll kick me out."

I start laughing hysterically.

"What's so funny?" Aurora asks me.

"He can't kick you out," I scoff.

"What do you mean?" She asks, confused.

"He doesn't own a single atom of this house," I say arrogantly. "It's owned by yours truly, your mother, and your uncle. So if I say you stay, and uncle Tavern says you stay, even if your mom sides with your shithead dad, there's nothing that's gonna happen to you."

" But... He's always threatened to kick me out anytime I did something he considered out of line! " She looked appalled.

" Well as always he's full of shit. He knows full well he ain't got shit for stake in this house. I told him to his face one time he would never have any stake in it. You're not going anywhere, Darling. You're mine, and you will always have a home here. That's not something you ever have to worry about."

" Wow! Thanks for telling me that Auntie. I feel a lot better now. I guess I'm just scared he's not gonna accept me and he's gonna misgender me and still act like I'm a boy or dead name me."

" He does a single lick of that you tell me, I'll fix it and good. Unlike him, I have the power to kick somebody out of this house. " I wink playfully. " You know that nimrod is afraid of me anyway. "

" That's true." She laughs.

We sit in silence for a time.

" You know I'm always gonna love you, right, Aurora Dawn? " I ask. " Like no matter your gender identity, or sexual orientation, you're always gonna be mine."

" I know, Auntie. " She sniffles. " That's why your the first and only person I've told. I knew you'd be safe to come out to. You're so outspoken about queer rights and against homophobic and transphobia that I knew you were safe to talk to."

" You know something? I never came out to you did I? " I laugh. I just now realize that as loud as I am about LGBTQIA issues, and how openly out I've been, I've never let my niece know I'm queer.

"Wait, you're queer?" She's stunned.

"Yup. I'm Aromantic and Asexual; Aroace for short." I pause. "Do you know what that is?"

She shakes her head.

"It basically just means that I'm not interested in relationships and that I'm not physically attracted to anyone of any gender," I explain. "It's a spectrum of course, some Asexuals like sex even though they aren't attracted to people, and some Aromantic people want relationships even though they don't necessarily feel romantic feelings. And some, like me, don't like sex or want a relationship. Matter of fact, I've never even had any crushes on anyone. And when I realized I'm Aroace, it all made sense as to why I never had any. Does that make sense? "

Aurora Dawn nods. " Yeah, I think so."

"I can't believe I never came out to my own niece." I shake my head. "I guess I've just been openly Ace for so long it never dawned on me. Which is insane, because you needed to know I was queer the most. I'm sure it would have made everything a lot less terrifying, huh? I know it was a nightmare figuring myself out at your age. I thought I was a lesbian for a while, I tried to pretend I was straight. But they never really fit. So after a while I just assumed I was broken or something was wrong with me. When I finally learned what I was—"

"It felt like a piece that you didn't know was missing finally got found? Like everything about you finally made sense? And as you really think about it, looking back, there were so many signs it's unholy?" Aurora interrupts.

" Exactly. " I laugh. " The quintessential queer experience is all of those feelings when you finally figure it all out, I think."

" Anyway, thanks for being so amazing, Auntie. " She hugs me.

" You're my neice, and I'm the cool aunt. It's my job to be amazing. " I hug her back. " I have some clothes I could give you if you wanna get dressed as yourself and go to lunch with me? "

Her eyes lit up. " I'd love to!"