uninformed-headcanons

[uninformed-headcanons]

Weird Al and Hozier are actually brothers and nobody knows about it and they have different accents because they are like Phineas and Ferb.

[uninformed-headcanons]

Friendly reminder that this blog is pro-choice and if you don’t think everyone should have full control of their own body, then kindly unfollow me right now and go to hell

[uninformed-headcanons]

This blog is pro-choice and anti-conservative.

If you don’t like that, you can and should die mad about it.

The sooner, the better.

[uninformed-headcanons]

JAMES BOND

Agent 007 is constantly getting plastic surgery to fully reconstruct his appearance. This is not only why he looks so different throughout his career, but also why he is able to spy on the wealthy and elite without being recognised by them despite being a posh boy who probably went to school with at least some of the people he routinely comes across in the course of his assignments.

[uninformed-headcanons]

DOCTOR WHO

The 5th Doctor carries celery around because he’s hoping someone will offer him peanut butter and raisins so he can make ants on a log.

[uninformed-headcanons]

SPIDER-MAN: INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE HEADCANON

The entire movie (show? I don’t actually know what it is) is just Peter Parker Spiderman’s fan fiction about himself.

[uninformed-headcanons]

WONDER WOMAN (2017)

Okay, this isn’t actually a head canon, exactly, just something I think about every now again:

The absolute worst worst WORST part of Wonder Woman (2017) is

[Spoiler alert, I guess?]

David Thewlis’ moustache.

I mean, it’s fine when he’s the upper crust British politician guy, definitely makes sense, works for the character, but like, then he is revealed to be Ares the God of War, and we are treated to all these images of David Thewlis’ head pasted onto some greased up muscle man body in ancient Greek garb, which again, fine, whatever, but HE STILL HAS THAT POSH LITTLE MOUSTACHE, and I am telling you, I could. Not. Stop. Laughing. This is supposed to be this big dramatic, climactic reveal, and most of the rest of the movie is some extremely high-action fight scene, and I am just sitting in the theatre giggling like a schoolgirl because I simply *can not* get over Ares the Greek God of War sporting that ridiculous face brush, like HOW DID THIS—? WHO—? WHY—??? JUST HAVE HIM REMOVE THE MOUSTACHE WE WILL STILL KNOW WHO HE IS BECAUSE HE IS THE ONE TELLING US “HEY, THAT’S ME, THAT’S ME RIGHT THERE, SEE THAT GUY WITH THE GREASED UP MUSCLES, THAT’S ME”.

The best part of Wonder Woman (2017), however, is every interaction involving Diana and Etta.

The second-worst part of Wonder Woman (2017) is the fact that we were deprived of a series about Diana and Etta: Girls in the City! where they are roomies and best buds, and Etta teaches Diana all about the modern world and English culture, and Diana teaches Etta how to value herself more (and how to fight and kick ass too, obviously), and it would have just been amazing, and a much much better use of everyone’s time and resources than Wonder Woman 1984, and I dunno, I guess maybe that is actually a head canon...

... On second thought, maybe missing out on that was the worst part after all?

Although, no, that moustache was really REALLY bad...

[uninformed-headcanons]

HARRY POTTER

Bathilda Bagshot is Romanian. She changed her name when she came to England and married, after escaping the Nazis. (The actual Nazis, not the wizard Nazis. Though maybe she escaped them, too, I don’t know, I don’t understand that part of the Harry Potter timeline. I honestly don’t know anything at all about Bathilda Bagshot, other than her name and that she is at least middle aged? I think? when the events of the Harry Potter books/films happen. I don’t even know what she is or does in the plot of Harry Potter. Is she old enough to have escaped the Nazis, much less gotten married shortly afterwards? I have no idea, none at all, but I’ve been watching a lot of ‘Dad’s Army’ lately, so that era is in my brain right now. Like, I’m not claiming to make informed headcanons here...)

[uninformed-headcanons]

Ned Stark!!! That’s his name! I finally remembered!

GAME OF THRONES

Sean Bean’s character spent the entire rest of the show as a ghost roaming the castle carrying his head under his arm, but no one ever saw him because ghosts are one of the few supernatural creatures that no one in that series seriously believes in, which is too bad, because the whole time he was every bit as real as the dragons and zombies and stuff, but far, far lonelier.

[uninformed-headcanons]

WANDAVISION

Every episode is a remake of an episode of either ‘I Dream of Jeannie’, ‘Bewitched’, ‘I Love Lucy’, or ‘The Brady Bunch’. Word for word. If there are more characters in the script than are in Wandavision, Wanda does the rest with hand puppets.

[uninformed-headcanons]

While we’re on the subject, the 6th Doctor’s curls are also an at-home perm job.

DOCTOR WHO

The 6th Doctor is a bottle blond. He found out that he had somehow subconsciously chosen to imitate (and even improve upon) the 5th Doctor’s hair color via artificial instead of natural means only after he’d been the 6th Doctor long enough for dark roots to start growing out. It was a very dramatic moment. They even filmed a scene where he got his roots bleached in the hair salon on the TARDIS, but had to cut it for time.

The 13th Doctor decided it was too much faff to keep up with and opted to be a natural blonde when she regenerated.

[uninformed-headcanons]

DOCTOR WHO

After Jamie gets his memory wiped (which is apparently a thing that happens in the plot, according to a gifset I just saw), he returns to Scotland and becomes renowned poet and lyricist Robert Burns.

[uninformed-headcanons]

GAME OF THRONES

Had a dream that I was Jon Snow and I was scheduled to fight a dragon on the edge of a cliff, but I was like, “I don’t have a chance, this dragon is just going to straight-up murder me”, but I knew I couldn’t escape from the cliff without the dragon seeing me as he flew in, so I threw my sword over the edge and just started running back along the cliff path, and sure enough, the dragon flew in and was like, “Hey, where are you going, man, that’s the wrong way?” And I was like, “Oh, yeah, I forgot my sword, I was just going back to the village real quick to get it,” and the dragon was all “Oh cool, okay, I’ll give you a lift.” So it picked me up and flew me back to the village, and all the villagers were freaking out because I’d brought a dragon there, and I had to reassure them like “It’s fine, we’re gonna go back to the cliff for our fight, I’m just looking for my sword, have you seen it?” And then all the villagers kept bringing me swords, and I had to be like, “Um, no, that one’s not mine, mine has black leather instead of brown” and eventually the dragon started getting suspicious and was like “Dude, are you just stalling?” And I was like, “No way, can’t a guy just want to use his own damn sword when he fights a dragon?!” But meanwhile the dragon was getting really annoyed with the delay and the villagers started getting like “What do we do, do we run away? Do we throw rocks at it? What?” But I woke up before I saw how it all got resolved.

But anyway, that is definitely now one of my uninformed headcanons for this show.

[uninformed-headcanons]

TOLKIEN HEADCANON

Tolkien’s goblins are unlike George MacDonald’s goblins, in that they do not hate singing and verse.

Tolkien’s goblins are like George MacDonald’s goblins, in that they have very soft, tender feet with no separation of toes.

[uninformed-headcanons]

THE MANDALORIAN

Helmet Man is actually Baby Yoda’s biological dad, but they are saving that reveal for the last season, when they will also at long last reveal who the mother is. Don’t worry, they promise they have learned from other shows’ mistakes on that front and won’t mess it up.

[uninformed-headcanons]

DOCTOR WHO

The 6th Doctor is a bottle blond. He found out that he had somehow subconsciously chosen to imitate (and even improve upon) the 5th Doctor’s hair color via artificial instead of natural means only after he’d been the 6th Doctor long enough for dark roots to start growing out. It was a very dramatic moment. They even filmed a scene where he got his roots bleached in the hair salon on the TARDIS, but had to cut it for time.

The 13th Doctor decided it was too much faff to keep up with and opted to be a natural blonde when she regenerated.

[uninformed-headcanons]

STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION

Originally, Captain Picard’s accent was fake, but at this point he’s been doing it for so long he no longer even remembers his actual accent.