words-and-hues

[words-and-hues]

I put on my brightest lipstick/ to cheer me up/ but then wipe it off./ who cares, /I look ugly anyways./ I watch the newest song/ of my favourite artist/ and cry a little./ I pick out the saddest song in my playlist/ and then play it on loop.

I've always had trouble falling asleep,/ but it's gotten worse these days./ so I've gone back to drawing patterns/ that are said to reduce anxiety./I draw these circles and lines/ hoping they'd put me to sleep somehow./ but they don't,/ yet I keep drawing them anyways.

-devika// it's not the circles and lines, we're the pattern- my anxiety and I//

[words-and-hues]

I write in my diary-/ " I'm a li'l less obsessed with him today" / and then strike it out./ 'cause I don't wanna lie,/ not in diary,/ not to myself./ the truth is,/ I still think about you/ as much as I used to./ isn't that why I'm writing about you?

your texts still make my heart/ skip a beat,/ hearing your name/ or hearing your voice/ still makes me smile./ I still miss you/ more than ever./ but here's what's changed-/ I won't text you/ when you leave me on read./ I won't burden you/ with my 'I miss yous'/ or 'I love yous'/ when I know you don't feel the same.

so I'll say it again-/ I'm a lil less obsessed today-/ not with him,/ but with wanting to love him back.

-devika// can I love someone and still let them go?//

[words-and-hues]

it's not like

I've never loved before,

but if I name what I felt,

I'd have to name the pain

that came with it

and the ache

when it left too.

I'd no more be able to deny

that the cracks on my heart

are from the times

it was broken,

that the missing pieces

of my heart

are what's stuck in my lungs

making it hard to breathe.

it's not like

I've never felt love before

but I've never felt this way either.

is it 'cause

I've never loved anyone

with my broken heart,

or would it still be different

if I'd found you

when my heart was whole?

-devika//would I have been braver then?//

[words-and-hues]

These days, the only thing that made me feel something was music. But even the songs I loved are losing the magic they seemed to have all this time.

So today when I heard a song that I didn't want to grow tired of, I made a playlist, a playlist for all the songs that I like a bit too much, so much that I'd rather not hear them at all than hear them one too many times and become weary of it.

In a drama I watched, he thought it was better to keep things you love away from you and I thought I didn't agree with him. But isn't that what I'm doing right now? Keeping what I love away from me for the fear that I won't love them anymore if I let them get too close to me.

Isn't that why I pushed you away when all I wanted to do was make you stay with me?

-devika

the love I pushed away

[words-and-hues]

Love me the way you love the moon.

The same face of the moon faces the earth. We only ever see one side of the moon. We know a part of her being will always stay hidden. Yet we love the whole of the moon.

If we can love the moon in parts,if we can love her scars, know that there is a side of her that we might never see and not have our hearts waver, I wish I were that moon. I wish you loved me the way you love the moon.

-devika

the way you love the moon

[words-and-hues]

I've been walking in the dark for quite sometime now. But it doesn't seem like the tunnel wants to end. So where is that light everybody was talking about, the light beyond the tunnel. Is there something even there beyond this tunnel?

Or maybe this is it. Maybe I got out of the tunnel long ago and the world beyond was equally dark. So I didn't even notice it. Maybe if I keep walking, my eyes will adjust enough so that I can see enough in this dark,lonely tunnel.

-Devika

[words-and-hues]

the single scream

that pierced

into the

flesh of insanity

threatening to grow

over the burnt skin

of my mind

dies

and I wonder if I'm alone now,

alone in this

long lost fight

me and my screams

have been battling

against the silence of night.

-Devika

[words-and-hues]

My neck hurts so I look down. I must've been looking up for way too long than I intended. The night was quiet. I stepped out and the night wrapped me in it's cold embrace. I see a single star, or is it a planet now? It's been a while since I've looked at the stars. I switch off the lights and wait for my eyes to adjust.

Slowly, I see more of them. But one shines brighter than the rest and keeps coming closer each time it twinkles.

No, I'm not hallucinating.

It's a firefly.

There's light all around but the night is dark. There's no moon. Or maybe there is. That part of the sky behind those trees that is a shade lighter than the rest? Is that where the moon is? Or is it right in front of my eyes but I'm looking at its darker side?

[words-and-hues]

So today I stumbled on this quote-

"If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders."

My heart has been missing from its place for quite sometime now.I don't remember the last time I felt it beat fast or ache for something. And this little quote gave me hope that maybe finally I can find it. So I let it wander, my mind. But it wouldn't budge, it stays as cold and unmoving as death itself.

Death.

Yes.

Now that I think about it, the last time I found my mind wandering, it was wandering to you. But then you left and my mind eventually found its way back to me. And if I didn't check whether it was still alive, if it was breathing when it came back, I can only blame myself for my dead mind and my missing heart, right?

Because you wouldn't take the blame, would you?

[words-and-hues]

windows.

windows shouldn't exist. because even when I have so many things I'm supposed to be doing, all I do is stare out the window. because when places get too loud,too crowded, I start looking for a window.

I thought of them as a symbol of hope that there's always something pretty and interesting outside when things get stuffy inside.but nothing would ever have gotten stuffy if not for these walls.if not for these walls, I'd have nowhere to hide, I'd have never tried to hide in the first place.there would be no outside to look at. I'd have found beauty everywhere.

we wouldn't need windows if there were no walls. walls shouldn't exist and neither should windows.

[words-and-hues]

In an attempt to have a meaningful conversation, she asks me what I think love is. When I say the word 'love' ,it sounds foreign to my tongue because I've rarely used it before. It's funny how she thought of asking me this today when just a day ago I thought to myself that I wanted everyone I loved to know I loved them, but I didn't want to tell them. Funny how she asked me what love is and all I wanted to tell her was that love is what I felt for her.

Loved is how I felt.... with her.

[words-and-hues]

the night

is too quiet

to not

hear you.

if you must

disappear,

do it

under the sun

when there are

too many

to talk

but none

who'd listen.

- Devika

[words-and-hues]

writing should be fun.

make oc playlists. spend hours on moodboards that have no purpose. write self-indulgent fluff that’s never going to be published. scribble three lines of poetry in the back of your history notebook. draw fanart of your own characters. write stupid dialogue that your publishers might hate. start new wips that you might never finish but write those three chapters that make you happy because if you don’t write them, who else will?

writing shouldn’t always be about “will publishers like this” or “i have to reach this word count” or “how do i get the most likes”.

have fun with your writing.

[words-and-hues]

And all I did was draw lines..

[words-and-hues]

[words-and-hues]

Feather Wing Crochet Shawl Pattern

Crafty Intentions on Etsy

[words-and-hues]

tired

of standing

far off the shore

wondering

how it'd be

to let the waves

crash into me

take out my feet

from beneath me

drowning

and out of breath

yet breathing