writingsofabitch

[writingsofabitch]

what the fuck. just saw an old friend of mine that I hadn’t spoken to in over a year. It was weird. She reached out to me, and said she missed me. I’ve missed her too all this time. There was a part of me missing in her absence. Though when I met up with her today it was like meeting a stranger and frankly the interaction did very little for me. I didn’t feel I got closure, I gave it to myself a long time ago. I suppose this was more of a favour to her. Which is fine. I’ll give her that if it’ll make her feel better. I have no animosity towards her. She was my best friend, things happen, life happened, and I was upset.

Leaving that interaction I think it’s best to leave the past in the past and move forward. No resentment towards her but this relationship no longer serves me I think.

I don’t mind being acquaintances moving toward

[writingsofabitch]

My type is strange obese white men with tattoos

[writingsofabitch]

Today was not my best day. But it had all the cardinal signs of a good day. I woke up next to my lovely handsome and sweet boyfriend, we got ready lazily together, we fooled around and I treated us to brunch. Dropped him off and then I had some downtime before getting ready to go to my best friends graduation. Got back home, ate some food and had a nap. Despite this, I felt a nagging sense of pain, depression and dread all day. It began earlier in the day, when I was feeling apprehensive about having sex, I wanted to, but I also didn’t and that brought abotu feelings of doubt and shame. I spoke to him about this and we talked it through after we parted ways. I feel confident and content with how I expressed myself and I am blessed that we are able to have somewhat difficult conversations.

I told him this sentiment but I explained that it can be daunting at times for me to be with someone who is physically attracted to me. Prior to this relationship I was in a borderline asexual relationship, where I was gnawing at the bit for any kind of attention or intimacy. Now things are different, but there are times where I feel as though I can’t keep up, but that i will remain open to flirting and intimacy because that’s what it is all about. A couple may not feel arousal at the same time for the same things but its about maintaining an open mind.

It felt good to express myself, and as I sat in my car driving home I realized I was quite sad today. I needed some time to fill my cup and I had not had the chance in a few days to do some self care. When I got home I tended to my immediate needs which was eat something, and get some rest. So I did just that. I got into my pyjamas, ate some food and watched some YouTube till i had a nap. It felt good. After I woke up i was confronted once again with my feelings of depression and so I called my boyfriend and we caught up about our day over the phone and had a more detailed conversation about my intimacy anxieties. I ordered some not very healthy food and paired it with a hot tea and some salad. Now im sitting here writing on my blog. I knew I wanted to feel a sense of accomplishment today and sometimes writing down my thoughts in here is good enough for me to feel that way.

I need to get a good rest. I haven’t been sleeping well the last few days. I need to cut down on my drinking, and eat better. I want to mobilize more and get tomorrow. Today’s chapter has closed and I am content. Tomorrow will be brighter and better

[writingsofabitch]

I have to be the coolest girl in the small town dive bar tonight

[writingsofabitch]

I started up this new blog because I wanted to tap back into my creative side and write more.

I used to love writing. Whether it was essays for school, short stories, poems, fan fictions, random ramblings.. I loved it. And it brought me so much peace. And it still does, but I find I have a lot more difficult of a time articulating my thoughts and being creative.

I desperately want to write a short story, just something to get me excited! But I have no ideas. And everything I think about falls flat. And if I do have an idea, I lose motivation because I don’t even know where to start.

And that’s really why I started the blog. So that I can just write. With no expectations of what I should write or the quality of it. It’s been freeing yet challenging.

However one thing I have noticed about myself is that, the older I’m becoming, the less interesting I think my thoughts are. And hence I have less of a desire to express myself and to articulate my thoughts. I’m working actively challenge this compliancy. Because writing brings me happiness and it fills me with pride to express myself.

I’ve definitely had more life experiences and so for that I do genuinely believe I have more things to say. But because I’m also older, I don’t seek the approval of others so much anymore. Ideas about feminism, politics, relationships, ways of life, religion, and philosophy were so foreign to me when I was younger and it filled me with excitement and I had more racing thoughts trying to digest it all and figure out what I resonate with most.

Now? I’m a little older, still don’t have it figured all out but I FEEL more comfortable with my beliefs and I’ve sat with them for longer.

I’ve been mulling over these ideas for a long time and they’ve lost those sparkle. Of course I think feminism is essential yet it has a long history of classism and racism. Of course I think abortions should be legal and that the rights and safety of transgender folks should be protected. Of course I believe that everyone has the right to shelter, food and water. Of course I know that not everyone DOES have those things and that it’s a result of capitalism and slavery, and colonialism and a long history of politics. Of course I know my worth as a woman, and know that I must be the man of my dreams before expecting a man to do the same for me. Of course I know the privileges I’m afforded by being a white passing individual even tho I am mixed. And there are so many other thoughts that are second nature to me, it almost seems redundant to express them.

That being said, I still desire seeking new knowledge and experiences and broadening my horizons

It’s just been interesting getting back into journaling and blogging because I sit and think about my life and I sometimes really don’t have a lot to say.

I’m happy.

Really happy.

Happiness is often the killer of creativity and that sucks but I will work around it to keep writing, because I really love this!

[writingsofabitch]

The thing is, one day, he won’t land the backflip.

[writingsofabitch]

If I was a man this is something I’d say;

“I don’t want my girl eating peanuts, the only nuts she should fw are mine”

[writingsofabitch]

7 layer dip. Sunset walks. 8 hour shifts. Sweat. Black tank tops. Falling asleep on the couch. Replaying old YouTube videos. Pictures of him

[writingsofabitch]

New places, new faces.

Living out of a carry on and carrying around books I have no intention of reading.

Feeling blessed to be traveling and to be able to share my passion for psychiatry with the youth.

Hopefully I can inspire at least one person to pursue their passions.

[writingsofabitch]

Who am I right now?

I have been thinking about this more and more as the days go by, and though I feel very far from “complete”, I know each day I am growing closer to myself. I know I will never be necessarily complete, as our lives our insurmountable and dont have a definite end. It only gets cut off when we die.

I think about the kind of person I wanted to be when I was 15, and I truly think I’m living out that dream as I type. I’m 21 now, currently on summer break from psychiatric nursing school, I work as a barista casually and I have independence. I stand up for myself, and I don’t let others disrespect me. I seek the company of others and find joy in making others feel good. I love myself and my appearance, and I work with my body, rather than against it. I can drive freely, going wherever I want, and listen to my music. I can travel, and take opportunities I wouldn’t have before. I am not so paralyzed by the fear of public speaking, and I know I have valuable input when I enter a conversation. The books, movies, songs, people, and lessons I’ve learned in life have become the basis for who I am now.

I enjoy alternative and gothic literature and music. I enjoy western Americana media too. I love classic rock and the orange haze of the 60s and 70s. I enjoy learning about new cultures and developing my relationship with my own background.

I’m both inspired by art, and the outdoors. I love to eat, and I love to cook. I love to give as much as I love to receive. I’m selfish, but have a lot of love to give to others. I’m intelligent, but always eager to learn. I love to be feminine and provided for, but I love my independence, and my autonomy. I love the quiet hours of the night, and waking up early to enjoy the morning.

I enjoy hiking now. I like making frequent stops and taking pictures. I smile as I struggle my way up to a peak. The sweat and pain is worth it when I see a viewpoint. I love sitting alone on the shore, or by a creek, drinking a beer or a soda. I like watching the water slosh against the shore, or watching the sun dance on top of the waves. I like swimming, and that shock of entering a cold lake for the first time. I love taking myself out on dates, and being the man of my own dreams.

I’m all of these things and more, still changing and growing. I don’t know where I will be in a years time from now, but I hope I am happy.

[writingsofabitch]

Things I really like

- Driving around and listening to music

- Being outside and it’s sunny

- Going to bed and wanting to sleep right away

- Drinking cold water

- Being alone

- The crisp feeling I have after showering

- Seeing random displays of affection between people

- Female country artists (Willow Avalon, Ella Langley, Lainey Wilson etc,)

- Blues and Motown

- Wearing flip flops

- Looking at the pictures I look after a long day out exploring or with friends

- Choosing a song to play on my Instagram post

- My blankets, a candle, some wine and catching up on my YouTube

- Uncontrolled laughter

- Hugging my man

- When my dogs get excited to see me

- Applying lotion to my whole body

- Spraying perfume as the final touches to my look

- Knowing what I want to wear and having it work out

- Eating and then stopping when it feels right, even if there’s still food on the plate

- The groggy haze of waking up from a nap

- 10pm

These are the little things in my life that make me happy

[writingsofabitch]

The bouquet is growing, as time passes they’ll start to die and fade but it’s not long before he brings me a new one :’)

[writingsofabitch]

PROPAGANDA IM NOT FALLING FOR:

- hot honey

- being mean in the name of being real

- liquor companies utilizing sober curious movement to release 0% seltzers (just drink club soda tf)

- AI being used in art, as a therapist, writing essays

- AirPods

- the idea that we must all “love” our bodies, coexisting and being neutral about your body is okay

- online sites that have 80% off sales consistently

- the proteinification of food/cottage cheese worship

- dirty soda

- hair training and dry shampoo