00nine21

[00nine21]

is the internet a public space

think about it. when you post anything on the web, is anybody actually seeing it? doesn't it feel like you're posting for an empty room? do other users even exist if you can't see them? because you dont. see them. sure, people will have your post on their feeds, but unless it's being interacted with, you don't know if anyone ever saw it. and even if they do interact, did they understand you? do they se you or only the thing in your post? If you share a fanart, do they see you as the creator, or do they just like the media? nobody sees you even if they see your post. welcome to the dead internet.

for all i know i'm talking to a wall.

and all my post are just me standing on a pavement, talking to myself out loud and im as alone as always. unless people i already know interact with me. virtual reality is no different than the world outside our screens. only people that are already in my life care about my life. If i were to speak out loud what i type, nobody would hear me. and nobody will hear this post either. the internet is empty and nobody exists here unless they're someone important. exactly like in real life. unlike me, if lets say... Lady Gaga, was the one talking to herself in the middle of a pavement, everyone would listen, even if she were to speak utter nonsense in a made up language. That's the internet. you're no one in real life, you're no one here. and sometimes i hate it, because i want to be heard. and sometimes i love it because i can freely say whatever the fuck is on my mind and i feel like im doing this publicly, but really - im not.

i live in my own private corner of the internet and so do you.

[00nine21]

the last breakdown i'll ever have

you're 25 - and suddenly you can't take it anymore and you don't even know it. your body goes berserk on you and you loose any grip you've had on reality, you cry for reasons unknown to you; you hurt all over and fail to see how long have you been actually hurting for; you pretend to be at your best behaviour even though everyone watching knows that you've lost it; you drink too much and can't remember the last month of your life - everything is lost in a drunk haze. it's probably for the best; you wouldn't want to remember, something tells you that whatever you were doing wasnt exactly worth remembering. so, youre stuck in a survival mode - can't do anything, but your family takes you to a specialist and you end up drugged up so well you can't even think anymore. you wake up, sit around for 16hours, go to sleep, rinse repeat for over a month. you disappear from the face of the world - you're not online, you're not leaving your bedroom, and nobody wants to talk to the hermit you've become. no, thats false. everyone is scared and nobody taught them how to care for a hurt person. but maybe its okay, you don't talk anymore either. and you surely won't hold that against them in the future. slowly you start to realize - you're hurt because you martyred yourself into it. no award awaits at your funeral for it and your body gladly reminded you about it, even though you'd rather have it write a letter. beggars can't be choosers, shouldve thought about it before you've spend the last 18 years of your life trying to fit a mould, which was never for you to fit. back then you were a child and didnt know better, you also forgot to revisit the idea till your body bluescreened on you. now you're glad it did, because even though you're smart, youre also too dumb to live your life for yourself and youre too damn determined to make everyone happy. and making others happy in your dictonary, means never being yourself. not even in secret. they will know what you do in your own four walls. so once your body starts listening to you again, and you stop taking those fucking meds cuz they're no longer helping - you start working on yourself. slowly. you set new boundaries, one inch at a time. you go back into doing what you like and tells yourself that it's okay. you cry sometime because it feels like betraying principals, which weren't even yours in the first place, so you push forward. one step at the time. each day you can feel yourself changing. you unravel from the shape you weren't supposed to take. your muscles don't tense anymore. your heart doesn't hurt. turns out the people that hurt you the most are the ones that will suffer when you're gone. so when youre changing, you also force them to change. and somehow it works, somehow they stop fighting you and you can finally be free from the martyr burden you've placed upon yourself and fuck me it feels exactly right. and its no longer you, it is now me. i slowly learn how i am and how to care for myself, and things that once scared you, don't affect me. it is no longer you, for now its me.

[00nine21]

ill YEEHAW myself to my own grave

[00nine21]

turning tumblr into my little art safe space 

first concept art  of an OC from a story that maybe someday will be written down and it wil be cool and there will be bamf gallies as MCs and gays and anything thats lacking in most fantasy books im reading :/// 

its called The Last Descendant and it sounds pretty cool if you ask me teheheh

The hottie on the pic is no longer a part of the story because she got replaced by a hotter more badass bitch that girlbossed a little too close to the sun :(((((((((((

theres also good plot and content for a whole trylogy and sequel and spin offs 

did i mention gays?

[00nine21]

uhuh i did a thing

[00nine21]

the reason why i talk in lowercase no punctuation all the time is becuase when i was 14 i got attached to dave strider and never looked back

[00nine21]

Polish tumblr be like…

[00nine21]

Them: What do you remember about Middle School?

Me:

[00nine21]

im starting a cult, yall invited

[00nine21]

i hate people i hang out with daily

i mean it

[00nine21]

Normalize apologizing to children.

[00nine21]

i hate my friends i hate my friends i hate my friends i hate my friends i hate my friends i hate my friends i hate my friends i hate my friends i hatemy my friends i hate my friends i hate my friends i hate my friends i hate my friends i hate my friends

[00nine21]

[00nine21]

i am sad and i want to complain about my parents&friends and tumblr is the only place where none of my real life friends have accs

as an artsy kid sometimes im doing weird things bc i want to, or paint a little creepy painting that i dont want to talk about, wanna hide it and keep for my eyes only

i am also pretty fucked up, mood swings all the time and shit, eating disorders, insomnia and other shit that i dont talk about with my parents or friends cuz it wont do any good

(allright, before you will scream at me to talk about it with them- please dont and keep reading)

so yeah, my parents are great theyre showing me some love and affections, theyre not absent 24/7 (well my dad maybe is like semi-absent figure but i dont really mind) but when it comes to me beeing me, they loose it all

once we were arguing for a week cuz i painted this painting with a naked hanged and bloody lady but in a really cartoon way, so its not gorey, but they kept screaming at me how much they want to hang it on a wall buy a frame and put it somewhere everyone can see. AND I TOLD THEM SO MANY TIMES I DONT WANT THEM TO. that i will feel uncomfortable, i literally started crying begging them to leave it alone(and then hid the paiting for two weeks so they wont find it)

theyre a really traditional familywhen it comes to art "oh my kid know how to paint, lets show everyone how superior they are" and i hate it i hate it I HATE IT they never listen to me if its not important to them or wont reply to my sentence i hate it so much im gonna loose it all

i hate how they wont let me be my-weird-angsty-self even tho they dont really care

and they act like this just bc "what will others think" well i dont give a fuck about other byf my whole country still thinks that way all the time and even my friends

OHHHHH MY "friends"

you know this one lyric from fall out boy? i hate all my friends i miss the days when i pretended? it haunts me cuz it is how my situation looks like

im leaving highschool in three months and ive been hanging around the same ppl for three years. none of them knows about art and when i want to show them smth they dont understand why would i want to draw that or what is it when im going more experimental

mental disorders are still beeing kept in a closet in my country, everyone thinks "theyre pretending, none can me mentally sick" so they joke a lot about ppl with depression, anorexia, beeing hospitalized, suicides, you get it? theyre also rasist (like full on hating everyone, jews, ukrainians, russians, german, and so it goes) and homophobes

thats actually worth a pity laugh cuz half ot them is like

im not homophobic but ewww i cant stand guy i a dress or with make up how can they be like that ewwwww and also please dont talk to me about youre gay friend finally gettin a boyfriend i dont want to hear about it"

but rasism and homophobia is a really common thing about polish teens, most of them will hate you for just beeing you

so i hide who i am in my house and in my school, whenever im with my friends or parents. im so sick and tired of that and it feels like the only gateaway is moving out to another country (wich hopefully ill do in august/september this year)

i needed a shoulder to cry on cuz im always keeping all the negavite emotions in me

[00nine21]

when they tell cecil he has to report on actual news instead of his personal life

[00nine21]

mutuals solve this

[00nine21]

Do NOT spread Brendon’s new address around if you ever come across it. Do NOT go to his house. I don’t care if you’re the biggest fan alive, don’t go to his house unless he invites you. It’s simple. He’s a human being who puts up with enough stuff already, the fact that it’s gotten to the point where he doesn’t feel safe anymore in his OWN HOME and he feels the best decision is to MOVE is completely unfair, and now you need to keep this in your thoughts, tell new fans, people who don’t know. Respect him and his privacy.