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David Whyte, “Self Portrait”

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— unknown

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turning 21...

This is a letter to myself, that I am starting on May 19th, 2022, my last day of being 20. I am starting this at 2:30pm whilst currently working in the IAI lab. Last year before my 20th birthday, I wrote a letter to myself reflecting on my teen years and how I felt about entering my 20s. This letter is to reflect on my time as a 20 year old, and moving forward as I turn 21.

The summer after I turned 20 was a really happy summer. That was when the vaccines started coming out, and we could get closer to a sense of normalcy. The week after my birthday, my friends and I went to get the BTS Mcdonalds meal and we ate it at Brentwood park. That was the first time in a very long time I got to hang out with friends in person, and honestly it was such a happy and core memory for me. It’s crazy to think that that was something we couldn’t do for so long. That summer definitely ranks high in my list of summers. Especially after I finished my summer courses, I was hanging out with my friends very often. We went to the beach, we went to North Van and Lonsdale Quay, we went to restaurants, we went to the casino, and we had lots of sleepovers too. Just being able to spend time with friends, and not have to worry about anything else was definitely my happiest memory of when I was 20.

Afterwards in the Fall, I flew to Toronto. Our school was trying to shift things back in-person, and while some classes were still online, I still had many in-person components. I was definitely excited to get some semblance of a normal university experience after so long of online courses. But I think being online and being at home for so long, had made me too dependent. I had forgotten what it had been like to live away from home. And so, when I came to Toronto, I remember I cried a lot and I called home every day. I was so lonely, in a new city, so far away from home and with no friends by my side. But once I started to develop a schedule, and I got closer to my roommates, and to my peers, I think I started feeling more comfortable in this new city. 

Then in the winter, Omicron hit. And we got pushed back online again. I felt like I was in a repeating cycle. I stayed home for a long time, and I felt myself losing that schedule I worked so hard to make in the fall, and I lost all motivation to do anything and I fell behind a lot. It got a little bit better when we were able to come back to campus.

If I’m honest, these past few months definitely felt like a blur. I felt like a lot happened, but nothing happened all at once. I spent a lot of time focusing on school, but I also got lots of new experiences. Since I participated so actively in my STA303 course, Liza offered to have me be a part of a research cohort on ethical statistical practice. We honestly didn’t do much research, but it was super fun to be a part of and meet all the other amazing students. I also ran for Vice President of SSU! Albeit, I was the only one running, it's definitely something I wouldn’t have done in the past, and I’m proud of myself for taking the challenge! (Adding on, I watched I Told Sunset About You during this semester - it was a great and absolutely beautiful show, I’d love to write a small piece on what I like about it sometime!)

I really did think that this year would be the year my GPA would drop. Although compared to past years, my marks are definitely lower, my GPA is still the same. I described it to my friends, that when it comes to my grades, I feel like I have both imposter syndrome and a god complex. Too many times have I just expected getting good grades, but I am also constantly worried that this bubble will one day burst. I don’t feel like I am smart - but I feel like I am not awful at taking tests. I think this is definitely something that I have realized especially as I came to university. I know that I get better grades than some, but some of the people who my grades are better than are doing some really amazing things and I know that they will go on to make huge impacts in their future. It’s after meeting people like them that I’ve realized that grades really don’t mean much, but it is still so hard for me to break from the mindset that grades are important after it has been so imposed on me and after I have received many benefits due to my grades (scholarhips, research positions).

Something that I’ve come to realize too is what I want to do in the future. I know this is something I always thought about, but I really solidified that what I want is an office job. I think for the longest time I’ve felt like I had to go into research because research was all I heard people going to. I think I came into university forcing myself to go in biostatistics. And yes, it is interesting, but if I could choose again, I don’t think I would choose it. I don’t think I’m a person who is suited to go into academia. I’ve had this conversation, and I really don’t think I am a person who strives to be the very best. Obviously I want to achieve success and do well at my job, but my ultimate goal is happiness and comfort :)

What had always drew me to want an office job is the directions you’re given and the disintiction of work and personal life. Whilst I never knew exactly what I wanted to do, when I was young, I wanted to work a 9 to 5, and then have time to do my hobbies afterwards. I wanted a time to turn my brain off from work and enjoy things I wanted to do. But I think now that graduation is getting closer, and I’m becoming older, this is something I’ve become more determined to achieve. I want a job where I can live comfortably and pursue hobbies I enjoy! 

(I've recently joined the IAI lab - this is my third week, I don’t want to write about it here, but I’ll likely make a reflection doc on it later.)

It’s 11:31pm. It’s weird to think that in half an hour I will be turning 21. I feel so old :). I’m not quite sure how to explain how I feel about it. My teen self would definitely never imagine being this old. My 20 year old self can barely process being 20, being 21 is even stranger. I will be legally old enough to drink alcohol in the USA! I think this is definitely an age where I feel old and young. Old because I am learning about so many new responsibilities I never thought about when I was younger, and because I am able to look back on my past self and realize how naive I was. Young because I know I still have such a long road ahead of me. When I interact with professors and PIs, how much further and how much they’ve accomplished makes me realized how much more I still have to do. And so, I definitely feel in a standstill - I’m not sure how I am supposed to feel anymore. 

I want to end this letter to myself off with some goals I have as I enter my new life. But honestly, I don’t know what to write. Partially, I think it’s because I’ve been so busy and tired working at the lab that I haven’t had the time to think about it. In the past, I’ve always wrote about youth and wanting to grow. Maybe it’s the feeling of getting old? I don’t have the drive to write those as before (but honestly it might be because I’ve been so tired). I feel like I want to write something sentimental (I’m look at the night view I have, so maybe it’s making me in the mood…)

To 21 year old Jessica:

All the past goals you already know. You’ve always been working towards them and you still are. You’re going to be very busy this summer, and in the upcoming school year as you graduate university. I just hope you can be happy. Take the time to do things you enjoy and take care of yourself! To quote Ms. Smith, “stop and smell the roses”. But also don’t lose sight of what you want to do in the future. I hope you can become a better version of yourself. 

With lots of love,

20 year old Jessica

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i hope that one day you look forward to tomorrow

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rainer maria rilke, letters to a young poet

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this blog turned 7 today!

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almost nothing in life is over when you fail. that’s what’s beautiful about it: you can try again. if not now then later, if not later then tomorrow. so accept what didn’t work, discover new approaches, and make use of the endless possibilities still ahead of you. you’re not a failure for not seeing success, you’re a learner for seeing progress in ways you may not like, but still help you move forward.

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You open the entrance to your kingdom, I prostrate myself on the walls of your Valhalla and the sky thunders within your fiery belly.

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“L’être humain perd sa santé à gagner de l’argent et par la suite, il perd son argent à se refaire une santé. Il pense au futur, au point d’oublier le présent, de sorte qu’il ne vit ni dans le présent, ni dans le futur. Finalement, il vit comme s’il n’allait jamais mourir et il meurt comme s’il n’avait jamais vécu.”

— Tenzin Gyatso (XIVe dalaï-lama)

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“On ne peut pas oublier quelqu'un qu'on veut retrouver.”

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many of us still are in the process of learning to stop associating positivity with happiness and peace with control. you can have a positive mindset and be a positive person and still experience negative emotions like sadness or frustration, and you can be at peace without knowing exactly what happens next in your life. you are not failing because you cry sometimes or because you tend to get angry, and you are not inable to be at peace because you don’t know what happens next. live in the moment and do what you can and feel what you feel, that’s all you have to do.

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“You deserve something you don’t have to question. You deserve someone who is sure of you.”

— r.h. Sin

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a message to my teens...

I’m starting this letter to myself on May 15, 5 days before I turn 20. As my teen years come to an end, I want to take the time to reflect a bit on who I am, as I venture into my twenties.

13

13 was the age that you graduated elementary school, and started high school. 

I remember being scared of the change into high school, and all the scary upperclassmen. I was worried how it would feel to not be in the same class all day with all the same classmates. But in a way, I suppose, I was excited to meet new friends. I was always told that in high school you make friends that you keep for a long time. And, I’m still friends with them today.

You wrote a letter to your future self when you were 13. In it you talked about how you were upset about the lack of a proper graduation ceremony and not being able to go to Playland or Cultus. I suppose I still wish we got to go, I know it would’ve been so fun. But I had other chances to go, and I had other opportunities to spend time and make memories with my friends and classmates. Something that you mentioned in your letter was that you were upset that you couldn’t walk criss-cross into the seats, and how it's the little things like this that make the ceremony something worth remembering. I don’t want to invalidate your feelings in any way, I know it was really upsetting, but I want you to know, in the future you completely forgot that walking in criss-cross was a thing. You’ll feel better about this with time.

14

To be honest, I don't feel like I can explicitly recall anything memorable from 14. I think this was when you started making some new friends, some of your closest friends to this day. I hope it brings you comfort to know that whatever troubles you were facing, future you doesn’t remember. Those social studies tests you worried and stressed so much about don’t mean anything now. Whatever grade you got on a project, really doesn’t affect you in the future.

15

I remember, when you turned 15, you had this epiphany of “oh my gosh I’m old”. 15 seemed like that age you always saw in movies and books and tv shows, and now all of a sudden you were that age. There was that time when you went to Vancouver Island, and at the ferry station, you were asked your age, and you weren’t used to being 15 so you said 14. It was a weird moment, and marked the moment where I started to become so self conscious of my age. At this age I started feeling old. (looking back you really were so young). 

I think it was at this age, school started getting a bit more busy and started mattering more to you. Your course load was definitely harder than in grade 8 and 9, and grade 10 marks started showing up on your transcript. I think you were learning for the first time on how to deal with all of these tests and assignments and projects. It 15 was the first time you started feeling overwhelmed at times, and sometimes you had dark thoughts. I want you to know that you got through it all. That despite those worries you had, things were okay. You were strong.

16

You made a portfolio for Mr. Roberts’s English 10H class. It’s really nice to look back on sometimes. I hope that you’ll make one in the future again, or rewrite some of the stuff in there. 16 was another special age of growth. I think when you were 16, that’s when you started to really care about how you looked. And that meant you felt insecure a lot. And that meant you hated the way you looked a lot, you hated it so much. 

You were in grade 11, and you started to feel pressure about university and what you would study in the future. Looking back in my diary, I can tell that you were stressed and you were lost and you were tired. I hope you know things will be okay. It’s okay to be lost sometimes. I hope you can learn to lean on the people around you. And don’t stress too much about university, you made it to one in the end.

17

At 17, you entered your last year of high school. 17 was another where I think I had an epiphany about my sudden oldness. I think the beginning may have been tough, you were worried about SATs and universities and essays and you doubted yourself a lot. At this age you started to care a bit less about others. Maybe it was because you were now part of the oldest students at school, and maybe it was because you knew all your classmates a bit better. You started to care a bit less about others, and you felt a bit more comfortable with class presentations, felt a bit more comfortable just being loud with your friends, but I know deep down you still cared a lot about what others thought. But I'm proud of how far you’ve come. I know at this age you definitely started reflecting a lot on your younger self, and you started thinking a lot about how you wished you did things differently when you were younger. I hope that you learn that this means you can start to change things going forward.

I think 17 was also an age where you started having more adventures with your friends, or just going out with them more. It was likely because you had more time after uni apps. But I really liked it. Artona pics, going out to eat, everything. They’re all precious memories. I think 17 was a really happy year for you.

18

18 was a very special age to you, and it’s a very special age to me now. It was a year of transition. Officially, you became an adult. You were old enough to vote. You graduated high school, and you moved to university. It was a new start into your adulthood, although it didn’t feel so much like adulthood and felt more like “what-the-hell-am-I-doing-hood”. A lot happened at 18. 

At 18, you finished your last month of high school. Honestly, it was the best month of high school. You went to prom, you spent lots of time with your friends, had many new experiences. You graduated high school, and on the last day when you were getting your yearbook signed, you saw a lot of classmates for the last time. A lot of people you realized you would no longer have any reason to see anymore. After graduating high school, you and your friends went on a grad trip. You went to Korea and Taiwan with them, and later to Shanghai by yourself. It was the best summer. It’s one that I think I will always look back on. A trip representing youth. I miss it a lot.

You then moved to Toronto to go to University. In high school, you were always excited by the thought of University. You looked forward to the independence, being able to go out with friends late at night, and being in downtown Toronto, where it was easy to go anywhere. But you remember right? You were so scared when you first moved. You cried on the first night. Some time throughout the year you cried many times. You missed home. You missed the comfort of being in a city you knew. It was hard. You were also shy, and had a hard time making new friends. I want to tell you that it’s okay. It’s okay to cry and miss home, it’s okay to feel lonely. It’s okay. You’ll be okay.

And then covid-19 hit and you got sent home. And things started getting weird.

19

And this is where I am now. It’s May 19, 10:30pm and I’m trying to finish this letter before midnight hits. 

This year was definitely special, not just for me but for the whole world. I spent the entirety of being 19 stuck in this pandemic. (I truly hope things can go back to normal soon.)

19 was definitely a tough year, and I really struggled a lot. With school being online, I found it hard to stay focused and motivated, and I fell behind a lot. I felt isolated. My mental health really plummeted, and I think it was lower than it has ever been in my life. I cried a lot, I was sad a lot, I thought about death a lot. It was a dark time, especially in the first half. I felt lonely a lot too. 

I think I started to get a bit better with a bit of time, and I was able to carry on with a schedule. I’ve been happier, but I’ve also been sadder. This year just seemed to pass by, with days bleeding into each other. School scares me, and the future scares me. It’s hard to think that in less than 2 years I will be graduating and moving even further into adulthood. I’m so scared. I don’t think I can handle the responsibilities, and I don’t think I can manage everything, and I feel overwhelmed just thinking about it. I’m scared of growing up. I’m really scared.

Going into my twenties, I’m scared of so many things that lie ahead. My teen years have always felt like they were supposed to represent my youth. Leaving that behind and walking into what seems like a completely new world is scary. But I hope I can learn to trust myself just a little bit more.

Good luck...

From, 

19 year old Jessica