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A 10 day theatre language research process.
(re-Documenting as a way of summarising and processing)
Participants: paarvathi om, subhashree parthasarathy, and Ganeshram
Supported by: Irumbai, CPA 2024 process, Mala, Kangaroo, Mel, six puppies,Sudan, Bharath, Dilselda, Vaasi Pinnal, Shimmi, Rajiv and all others connected to Aashiyana
In : Asshiyana, Auroville
Dates: 8th Nov to 18th Nov ‘2024
…
There are many speakers in this world. Those who walk are rare. The walkers remain silent. - Ganga Ma, Thiruvannamalai
…
Frame work of inspiration and intent.
How does the process of Self Enquiry translate into process of theatre making?
How can inspirations from the archiving and tech-led digitisation world inform real-world experiential engagements with nature, connection, memory and peace?
Can we find a language that serves our need for freedom? And form a framework for daily practice?
Loose points present in the space/time
Archiving collectives
Labyrinths
Memories of mother/s
Pattern collapse/ hacks
Rewilding land post construction -process
Edible greens
Peace. And palestine Conflict
Separation and solitude
Suffering of the body- mind from ill health and attachment
Walk. Feet. Everyday patterns of women. Room of ones own
Subtle tyranny of male-ambition led institutions and structures…and reclamation of absolute love and sovereignty
Embodying doubt (authentically) as the starting point of trust.
Principles of Vipassana - pure observation
Language making and landscape
…
Highlights
No assumption. Find everything from scratch
Establishing connection to field by a player- with open awareness and using a primary and secondary form (movement/music/words etc)
Recognising elements of a container, depending on means engaged by players present to remain connected to the field.
Transparency of the container. By remaining aware of pulls on one ones gaze / distractions / remaining as authentic as possible - declaring ones intention as truly as possible
Body as listening vehicle
Trust space. To reveal, hold and guide.
Practice and power of witnessing without grabbing while on the floor as player, and as audience/observer. To allow for an empty bed without projections - for transformation of ideas/energies. Basic ethic.
Expanding the freedom for the body to reveal the messages held in space
Observation of nature turning into prayer/ ritual - sketch, words, music / poetry and dance
Acknowledging the presence of all that is there in the space by privileging textural listening sense of the body over the hyper-dominant mental-visual impulses that seek and suggest instant meaning making
Engaging with the idea of appropriation to steer clear of ready made performance tools of physical/body led cultures, and commit to the process of finding what is true to ones own landscape and time
Nuancing layers of observation - 1. Visual. And visual replication. 2. Embodied observation - deep listening 3. Becoming part of the field - Witnessing without any grab
Arriving at the phrase “it works” to mean - are we experiencing a connection to the field or not - have we managed to weave a container. And not about how good does it look or sound.
Does a story go into the container or emerge from the container? - a known one / an unknown / improvised reflection / combination
Qualities - of 1. Trust 2. Care 3. Witnessing without grab - as ingredients to a transformative experience
Staying true to the poet’s heart
The texture of a word, while staying connected to the field using musicality and rhythm, revealing the phrases and ideas in the field. And playing together into the field - forming container.
When in doubt go back to deep neutral natural observation
Connecting legs and voice during voice improvisations - listen from the legs
Segueing into the Vaasi Pinnal workshop by Devamani and Chandiran - exploring the energy meridians, geometry of the body (mama science) while deep listening - as a basis of healing, movement sequences, inspiration for choreographies.
Breath and sounds and internal awareness of energy junctions as a way to awaken/open/release them. An entire language waiting to be explored.
Walking the periphery of the Circle as the form to container and renter the journey of the multiple repeated improvisation experience. Reconnect with what is remaining in the space.
Trusting the space as the first step to remain connected to the textures and the revelations of the body, while having fun. Audience also has fun, is engaged.
Honouring the need to remain authentic by claiming a pause while in the space.
Pausing and being ok pausing is declaring a blank / confusion - and choosing the need for authenticity and clarity over the need to please / deliver/ honour the performer identity
Keep nuancing the elements present in impulse while in the field - visual mental / textural spatial / sound / idea etc
Surprises
Learning through teaching. Helping Sudan learn English by helping him share his knowledge and experience of the natural world with us in English
“ I trust theatre to heal/ reveal. Show me the way”
“ Gratitude to the body for bearing the spirit”
Massage and touch as way of practicing connection to field and neutral gaze
One’s medium is the path - to trust it to give us the answers to question of who am I? And to take care of oneself when on the path and the process.
Appearance and merging of elements during improvisation
Irumbai tree/pond and AnaPana as a grounder
Genesis of the project : Archive of Dreams - memory of compelling dreamscapes experienced by two women as the starting point of work. Pondering the times, its dreams and the fresh storytelling.
Improvisations
Gesture/ word improvisations
Nature - leaf drawing
Natural texture - peacock feather
Women’s feet and gait and surfaces
Walk improvisation
“Ka” improvisations
“Nga”/ nasal improvisations
Kalari vandanam sequence and reversal improv
Hare and tortoise improv
Shape improvisation - flower
Dream improvisations
Questions:
Appropriation - what is the difference between inspiration and appropriation? Embodying. Journeying and connection to ones own landscapes as source - speaking ones lived truth - has something to do with it?
Intersection of practice and daily life?
How to keep up the practice of- look without grab
How can the audience consciously co-create a field of observation? Nuance the observation for the audience. presence of plant / object/ tangible help?
Does a story go into the container or emerge from the container? - a known one / an unknown / improvised reflection / combination **
Explore putting moods, like the base layers used by a painter, into the container
The presence of other “ “ people watching - what does the mover need to maintain the unbroken connection to field?
How does Devamani-Chandiran’s Vaasi Pinnal study weave into theatre?
Keep clarifying and nuancing the elements present in impulse while in the field - visual mental / textural spatial / sound / idea etc - and in daily life
What happens when two bodies enter the field?
How does the artist sustain? - choosing not to entertain this question in the field at this stage - as an expression of surrender and trust
Conversation about creating original work in the medium most familiar- shuba - voice. paarvathi - words. Finding what resource and support one needs for it…and create the environment for its thriving. Big question of - what holds one back from doing it? What stops Shubha from making original music? Or paarvathi from making theatre?
0 notes
Text
A 10 day theatre language research process.
(re-Documenting as a way of summarising and processing)
Participants: paarvathi om, subhashree parthasarathy, and Ganeshram
Supported by: Irumbai, CPA 2024 process, Mala, Kangaroo, Mel, six puppies,Sudan, Bharath, Dilselda, Vaasi Pinnal, Shimmi, Rajiv and all others connected to Aashiyana
In : Asshiyana, Auroville
Dates: 8th Nov to 18th Nov ‘2024
…
There are many speakers in this world. Those who walk are rare. The walkers remain silent. - Ganga Ma, Thiruvannamalai
…
Frame work of inspiration and intent.
How does the process of Self Enquiry translate into process of theatre making?
How can inspirations from the archiving and tech-led digitisation world inform real-world experiential engagements with nature, connection, memory and peace?
Can we find a language that serves our need for freedom? And form a framework for daily practice?
Loose points present in the space/time
Archiving collectives
Labyrinths
Memories of mother/s
Pattern collapse/ hacks
Rewilding land post construction -process
Edible greens
Peace. And palestine Conflict
Separation and solitude
Suffering of the body- mind from ill health and attachment
Walk. Feet. Everyday patterns of women. Room of ones own
Subtle tyranny of male-ambition led institutions and structures…and reclamation of absolute love and sovereignty
Embodying doubt (authentically) as the starting point of trust.
Principles of Vipassana - pure observation
Language making and landscape
…
Highlights
No assumption. Find everything from scratch
Establishing connection to field by a player- with open awareness and using a primary and secondary form (movement/music/words etc)
Recognising elements of a container, depending on means engaged by players present to remain connected to the field.
Transparency of the container. By remaining aware of pulls on one ones gaze / distractions / remaining as authentic as possible - declaring ones intention as truly as possible
Body as listening vehicle
Trust space. To reveal, hold and guide.
Practice and power of witnessing without grabbing while on the floor as player, and as audience/observer. To allow for an empty bed without projections - for transformation of ideas/energies. Basic ethic.
Expanding the freedom for the body to reveal the messages held in space
Observation of nature turning into prayer/ ritual - sketch, words, music / poetry and dance
Acknowledging the presence of all that is there in the space by privileging textural listening sense of the body over the hyper-dominant mental-visual impulses that seek and suggest instant meaning making
Engaging with the idea of appropriation to steer clear of ready made performance tools of physical/body led cultures, and commit to the process of finding what is true to ones own landscape and time
Nuancing layers of observation - 1. Visual. And visual replication. 2. Embodied observation - deep listening 3. Becoming part of the field - Witnessing without any grab
Arriving at the phrase “it works” to mean - are we experiencing a connection to the field or not - have we managed to weave a container. And not about how good does it look or sound.
Does a story go into the container or emerge from the container? - a known one / an unknown / improvised reflection / combination
Qualities - of 1. Trust 2. Care 3. Witnessing without grab - as ingredients to a transformative experience
Staying true to the poet’s heart
The texture of a word, while staying connected to the field using musicality and rhythm, revealing the phrases and ideas in the field. And playing together into the field - forming container.
When in doubt go back to deep neutral natural observation
Connecting legs and voice during voice improvisations - listen from the legs
Segueing into the Vaasi Pinnal workshop by Devamani and Chandiran - exploring the energy meridians, geometry of the body (mama science) while deep listening - as a basis of healing, movement sequences, inspiration for choreographies.
Breath and sounds and internal awareness of energy junctions as a way to awaken/open/release them. An entire language waiting to be explored.
Walking the periphery of the Circle as the form to container and renter the journey of the multiple repeated improvisation experience. Reconnect with what is remaining in the space.
Trusting the space as the first step to remain connected to the textures and the revelations of the body, while having fun. Audience also has fun, is engaged.
Honouring the need to remain authentic by claiming a pause while in the space.
Pausing and being ok pausing is declaring a blank / confusion - and choosing the need for authenticity and clarity over the need to please / deliver/ honour the performer identity
Keep nuancing the elements present in impulse while in the field - visual mental / textural spatial / sound / idea etc
Surprises
Learning through teaching. Helping Sudan learn English by helping him share his knowledge and experience of the natural world with us in English
“ I trust theatre to heal/ reveal. Show me the way”
“ Gratitude to the body for bearing the spirit”
Massage and touch as way of practicing connection to field and neutral gaze
One’s medium is the path - to trust it to give us the answers to question of who am I? And to take care of oneself when on the path and the process.
Appearance and merging of elements during improvisation
Irumbai tree/pond and AnaPana as a grounder
Genesis of the project : Archive of Dreams - memory of compelling dreamscapes experienced by two women as the starting point of work. Pondering the times, its dreams and the fresh storytelling.
Improvisations
Gesture/ word improvisations
Nature - leaf drawing
Natural texture - peacock feather
Women’s feet and gait and surfaces
Walk improvisation
“Ka” improvisations
“Nga”/ nasal improvisations
Kalari vandanam sequence and reversal improv
Hare and tortoise improv
Shape improvisation - flower
Dream improvisations
Questions:
Appropriation - what is the difference between inspiration and appropriation? Embodying. Journeying and connection to ones own landscapes as source - speaking ones lived truth - has something to do with it?
Intersection of practice and daily life?
How to keep up the practice of- look without grab
How can the audience consciously co-create a field of observation? Nuance the observation for the audience. presence of plant / object/ tangible help?
Does a story go into the container or emerge from the container? - a known one / an unknown / improvised reflection / combination **
Explore putting moods, like the base layers used by a painter, into the container
The presence of other “ “ people watching - what does the mover need to maintain the unbroken connection to field?
How does Devamani-Chandiran’s Vaasi Pinnal study weave into theatre?
Keep clarifying and nuancing the elements present in impulse while in the field - visual mental / textural spatial / sound / idea etc - and in daily life
What happens when two bodies enter the field?
How does the artist sustain? - choosing not to entertain this question in the field at this stage - as an expression of surrender and trust
Conversation about creating original work in the medium most familiar- shuba - voice. paarvathi - words. Finding what resource and support one needs for it…and create the environment for its thriving. Big question of - what holds one back from doing it? What stops Shubha from making original music? Or paarvathi from making theatre?
0 notes
Text
A 10 day theatre language research process.
(re-Documenting as a way of summarising and processing)
Participants: paarvathi om, subhashree parthasarathy, and Ganeshram
Supported by: Irumbai, CPA 2024 process, Mala, Kangaroo, Mel, six puppies,Sudan, Bharath, Dilselda, Vaasi Pinnal, Shimmi, Rajiv and all others connected to Aashiyana
In : Asshiyana, Auroville
Dates: 8th Nov to 18th Nov ‘2024
…
There are many speakers in this world. Those who walk are rare. The walkers remain silent. - Ganga Ma, Thiruvannamalai
…
Frame work of inspiration and intent.
How does the process of Self Enquiry translate into process of theatre making?
How can inspirations from the archiving and tech-led digitisation world inform real-world experiential engagements with nature, connection, memory and peace?
Can we find a language that serves our need for freedom? And form a framework for daily practice?
Loose points present in the space/time.
Archiving collectives
Labyrinths
Memories of mother/s
Pattern collapse/ hacks
Rewilding land post construction -process
Edible greens
Peace. And palestine Conflict
Separation and solitude
Suffering of the body- mind from ill health and attachment
Walk. Feet. Everyday patterns of women. Room of ones own
Subtle tyranny of male-ambition led institutions and structures…and reclamation of absolute love and sovereignty
Embodying doubt (authentically) as the starting point of trust.
Principles of Vipassana - pure observation
Language making and landscape
…
Highlights
No assumption. Find everything from scratch
Establishing connection to field by a player- with open awareness and using a primary and secondary form (movement/music/words etc)
Recognising elements of a container, depending on means engaged by players present to remain connected to the field.
Transparency of the container. By remaining aware of pulls on one ones gaze / distractions / remaining as authentic as possible - declaring ones intention as truly as possible
Body as listening vehicle
Trust space. To reveal, hold and guide.
Practice and power of witnessing without grabbing while on the floor as player, and as audience/observer. To allow for an empty bed without projections - for transformation of ideas/energies. Basic ethic.
Expanding the freedom for the body to reveal the messages held in space
Observation of nature turning into prayer/ ritual - sketch, words, music / poetry and dance
Acknowledging the presence of all that is there in the space by privileging textural listening sense of the body over the hyper-dominant mental-visual impulses that seek and suggest instant meaning making
Engaging with the idea of appropriation to steer clear of ready made performance tools of physical/body led cultures, and commit to the process of finding what is true to ones own landscape and time
Nuancing layers of observation - 1. Visual. And visual replication. 2. Embodied observation - deep listening 3. Becoming part of the field - Witnessing without any grab
Arriving at the phrase “it works” to mean - are we experiencing a connection to the field or not - have we managed to weave a container. And not about how good does it look or sound.
Does a story go into the container or emerge from the container? - a known one / an unknown / improvised reflection / combination
Qualities - of 1. Trust 2. Care 3. Witnessing without grab - as ingredients to a transformative experience
Staying true to the poet’s heart
The texture of a word, while staying connected to the field using musicality and rhythm, revealing the phrases and ideas in the field. And playing together into the field - forming container.
When in doubt go back to deep neutral natural observation
Connecting legs and voice during voice improvisations - listen from the legs
Segueing into the Vaasi Pinnal workshop by Devamani and Chandiran - exploring the energy meridians, geometry of the body (mama science) while deep listening - as a basis of healing, movement sequences, inspiration for choreographies.
Breath and sounds and internal awareness of energy junctions as a way to awaken/open/release them. An entire language waiting to be explored.
Walking the periphery of the Circle as the form to container and renter the journey of the multiple repeated improvisation experience. Reconnect with what is remaining in the space.
Trusting the space as the first step to remain connected to the textures and the revelations of the body, while having fun. Audience also has fun, is engaged.
Honouring the need to remain authentic by claiming a pause while in the space.
Pausing and being ok pausing is declaring a blank / confusion - and choosing the need for authenticity and clarity over the need to please / deliver/ honour the performer identity
Keep nuancing the elements present in impulse while in the field - visual mental / textural spatial / sound / idea etc
Surprises
Learning through teaching. Helping Sudan learn English by helping him share his knowledge and experience of the natural world with us in English
“ I trust theatre to heal/ reveal. Show me the way”
“ Gratitude to the body for bearing the spirit”
Massage and touch as way of practicing connection to field and neutral gaze
One’s medium is the path - to trust it to give us the answers to question of who am I? And to take care of oneself when on the path and the process.
Appearance and merging of elements during improvisation
Irumbai tree/pond and AnaPana as a grounder
Genesis of the project : Archive of Dreams - memory of compelling dreamscapes experienced by two women as the starting point of work. Pondering the times, its dreams and the fresh storytelling.
Improvisations
Gesture/ word improvisations
Nature - leaf drawing
Natural texture - peacock feather
Women’s feet and gait and surfaces
Walk improvisation
“Ka” improvisations
“Nga”/ nasal improvisations
Kalari vandanam sequence and reversal improv
Hare and tortoise improv
Shape improvisation - flower
Dream improvisations
Questions:
Appropriation - what is the difference between inspiration and appropriation? Embodying. Journeying and connection to ones own landscapes as source - speaking ones lived truth - has something to do with it?
Intersection of practice and daily life?
How to keep up the practice of- look without grab
How can the audience consciously co-create a field of observation? Nuance the observation for the audience. presence of plant / object/ tangible help?
Does a story go into the container or emerge from the container? - a known one / an unknown / improvised reflection / combination **
Explore putting moods, like the base layers used by a painter, into the container
The presence of other “ “ people watching - what does the mover need to maintain the unbroken connection to field?
How does Devamani-Chandiran’s Vaasi Pinnal study weave into theatre?
Keep clarifying and nuancing the elements present in impulse while in the field - visual mental / textural spatial / sound / idea etc - and in daily life
What happens when two bodies enter the field?
How does the artist sustain? - choosing not to entertain this question in the field at this stage - as an expression of surrender and trust
Conversation about creating original work in the medium most familiar- shuba - voice. paarvathi - words. Finding what resource and support one needs for it…and create the environment for its thriving. Big question of - what holds one back from doing it? What stops Shubha from making original music? Or paarvathi from making theatre?
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Letting go. Of the unknown and unarticulatable that feels stuck in my throat and chest.
6 puppies around
And mommy puppy and her boyfriend
Throat ears and chest still uncomfortable. Keeping the naturopathy going. And foood
And reconnecting to spirit. In solitude.
3 notes
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There are very few
Who can journey j
Into the endless labyrinth
And find me in the crevices
Buried deep
Sitting
In the heart of a scar tissue
Unweaving
Very few can see me
Distinguish me from the scar because only sometimes
Am i shining from having fully completely loved all the webs
back into pure water
Many a times I am swallowed,
weakened I become part of the weaving
And I have to wait
To remember
Find strength again to hold the light and continue the loving unweaving
Either ways.. I always have stories to tell. Of the web. It's weaving.
And it's unweaving into water
0 notes
Text
[18/10, 16:25] ToE: Root of narcissism is self hate...and the inner suffering that is unleashed...from being unable to gaze upon one's inner self with relaxed warmth. And the resulting self obsession from.l the preoccupation with that searing pain and suffering...that nothing else exits or matters. Except their suffering and ways and means to alleviate it or distract from it.
[18/10, 16:26] ToE: It is an affliction like another. Only that this one automatically ripples and results in suffering of those who share are in proximity the mental waves.
[18/10, 16:30] ToE: The being has to look inwards. And keep softening the gaze. Until a new look and way of seeing is learnt. Unblinking...past every mind stuff to flinch to keep look. To keep looking is to keep unlearning and relearning. That one is not the mind stuff at all...or the flinching...or the memories being referenced. Or the shrunk inner gaze that has been held tight shut for so long from the seeming unbearablity of the pain.
[18/10, 16:38] ToE: And is dangerous for the socio- mental fabric if a person with narcissistic affliction is in power and directing course of humanity.
[18/10, 16:38] ToE: Most men are wounded in modern time. And many of them slip into the safety of the patriarchal frame which nestles many of these afflictions like narcissism.
True for women too.
And most likely a woman wounded and afflicted with narcissism and patriarchy must have received the wounded and passed it on. Without having the room of one's own or the gardens Of healing tochart an alternative course for the mind
[18/10, 16:38] ToE: Building on Theory of Vengence And Narcissism
...
[17/10, 19:05] ToE: How about I archive all the plants that have shown up around. Wild and free.
Sorry B.
I'm letting my mind run fre
[18/10, 12:26] ToE: I am liking this more and more
[18/10, 12:29] ToE: Ya.. and it subverts the narrative of a patriarchal funder...
That financial space holding becomes one aspect...not the only.
[18/10, 12:34] ToE: I have to be conscious...that in my relationship angst... iam not trying to erase his presence. Like attempt an eternal sunshine of a spotless mind.
But distributing this idea of ownership. Inside me as well. And zhift around the anthro centric gaze.
And opening up other connections which I have experienced in my growing up as loss of land
[18/10, 12:35] ToE: And this process means I step away from also my oft repeated narrative of devaluation and dispossession
[18/10, 12:36] ToE: Thich nhaht hahns idea of gardens as teachers
[18/10, 12:37] ToE: And the earlier inspiration for the paintings...
Seats of listening
In the gardens Of forgiveness
0 notes
Text
So.
I am inundated with ideas while fully knowing that I need to pause. I am undergoing a rather large life transition of entering my 40s and at the sametime separating from a longterm partner/collaborator.
So a lot of the feeling sense is either overloaded or numb or stunned.
I notice myself filling up pages after pages... but what seems to be around a few central ideas
Women and Solitude : cultivating trust in highest Self
Identity, Martial training and peace of mind: Transforming rage
...
Now I have always intuitively engaged with the body as the primary archive.
What it soaks in enquirey and what it expressed out of it from time to time is the archive... as writings, poetry, painting, and theatre
...
I have been talking to women who live alone... in their 50s and 60s. 3 or 4 so far.
Conversations have been striking around the ideas of menopause, food, boundaries, finances, companionship, values, and markers of freedom.
I have made notes of these...not recordings. And they are meandering conversations. From going and living with them for a couple of days.
I have been walking in the mountains. And reading the poetry of Lal Ded.
I am wondering if I should make lanterns of fabrics collected from the women I am speaking to.
My grandmother lived for almost a decade and half alone. Her sewing machine is one of my inheritances.
I am wondering about what I want to refuse from my mother and what I want to accept. What these women who live solitary lives accepted and rejected. One of them said, only her bhajans... nothing else.
I found a very interesting mental junction in conversation with them- am I finding my sense of truth inherently? Or am I finding it within the context of a structure?
Wow. I'm blown by that reflection.
What is their relationship to their body, health, and strength to be living alone? Fears? What is their source internal balance?
...
Then this thing of identifying oneself. And one traces a link of coming from a warrior / toddy tapping community 4th or 5th generation educated. With martial form forming a core of my theatre practice. And being inherently interested in peace within and without. And being inherently opposed to war mongering structures within and without.
The idea of boundaries appear. Boundaries as mirrors. What I want to receive from my parents and what I don't.
Finding an inner language to move from rage to peace. And outer. From brokenness to continuity.
And idea of care while training.
The community of practitioners around me collecting skills - why? What do they value? What do I value? If they were all a single warrior clan deployed in search of peace?
How do they become aware of their weakness? And how do they approach the idea of weakness?
Kabir's poetry springs out of somewhere. So does Tich Nhat Hahn who began his practice in war zones.
In Kashmir Shaivism, they say ones sense of limitlessness if veiled by 5 layers that create the limited individual identity. Kanchukas. . . How do each of their intuitively order their make up.
Say I shrink my breath. And stop
If I don't shrink.
Or expand my breath. And stop. I don't puff up.
If I am enough already... ?
0 notes
Text
So.
I am inundated with ideas while fully knowing that I need to pause. I am undergoing a rather large life transition of entering my 40s and at the sametime separating from a longterm partner/collaborator.
So a lot of the feeling sense is either overloaded or numb or stunned.
I notice myself filling up pages after pages... but what seems to be around a few central ideas
Women and Solitude : cultivating trust in highest Self
Identity, Martial training and peace of mind: Transforming rage
...
Now I have always intuitively engaged with the body as the primary archive.
What it soaks in enquirey and what it expressed out of it from time to time is the archive... as writings, poetry, painting, and theatre
...
I have been talking to women who live alone... in their 50s and 60s. 3 or 4 so far.
Conversations have been striking around the ideas of menopause, food, boundaries, finances, companionship, values, and markers of freedom.
I have made notes of these...not recordings. And they are meandering conversations. From going and living with them for a couple of days.
I have been walking in the mountains. And reading the poetry of Lal Ded.
I am wondering if I should make lanterns of fabrics collected from the women I am speaking to.
My grandmother lived for almost a decade and half alone. Her sewing machine is one of my inheritances.
I am wondering about what I want to refuse from my mother and what I want to accept. What these women who live solitary lives accepted and rejected. One of them said, only her bhajans... nothing else.
I found a very interesting mental junction in conversation with them- am I finding my sense of truth inherently? Or am I finding it within the context of a structure?
Wow. I'm blown by that reflection.
What is their relationship to their body, health, and strength to be living alone? Fears? What is their source internal balance?
...
Then this thing of identifying oneself. And one traces a link of coming from a warrior / toddy tapping community 4th or 5th generation educated. With martial form forming a core of my theatre practice. And being inherently interested in peace within and without. And being inherently opposed to war mongering structures within and without.
The idea of boundaries appear. Boundaries as mirrors. What I want to receive from my parents and what I don't.
Finding an inner language to move from rage to peace. And outer. From brokenness to continuity.
And idea of care while training.
The community of practitioners around me collecting skills - why? What do they value? What do I value? If they were all a single warrior clan deployed in search of peace?
How do they become aware of their weakness? And how do they approach the idea of weakness?
Kabir's poetry springs out of somewhere. So does Tich Nhat Hahn who began his practice in war zones.
In Kashmir Shaivism, they say ones sense of limitlessness if veiled by 5 layers that create the limited individual identity. Kanchukas. . . How do each of their intuitively order their make up.
Say I shrink my breath. And stop
If I don't shrink.
Or expand my breath. And stop. I don't puff up.
If I am enough already... ?
0 notes
Text
Srinagar and it's teachings of rock, snow and everything in-between. Of soaring uphills and groaning downhills.
...
Some songs
Etched in snow
Turn into lakes
and then join rivers
...
Pic : r
0 notes
Text
I have a question.
That rests on a theory.
The being needs to release energy received. Vengeance is the returning of force, in equal measure, in the direction of the source of pain.
And the energy moves on.
But when, on account of either inherited beliefs of powerlessness- social/economic/yada, this instinct of reaction/response/relataliation, neither has the surplus energy and space available to transform, reimagine and redirect, nor has the space/agency to express itself - its turns on the bearer- as shame, rage, humiliation. And the mind starts eating itself in loops. Restless, negative, mental chatter of the self saboteur.
Who at its worse turns on those weaker than itself to release.
If I am hurt I should have the space to react/retaliate/ respond. Feedback the reception of pain. At altered states of being even transform it. But in the absence of bare basic space - a room of one's own to primally react- rage and respond to hurt with hurt- as is the right of all living creatures...bite back when bitten...where all are built to be equal.. what is one to do?
As a woman, in an unusual relationship with a man, outside the socio-legal frameworks, in an experiment of trust, I find myself being constantly hurt by his choices. And truly, it's not in my capacity or intention to change or inhibit another free human being. Nor in my conscious choice to play games of attention.
They are free...sovereign of their will. It's a truth and a realization that had a long birthing pang.
So how then am I to navigate this pain received socially, romantically and domestically? Which in an arena of physical duel, I could have returned with the same force as I received it. Atleast I would have been fully expressed. Energy discharged.
And what of the accumulated blows received by my mother and grandmothers, that I collect in my body mind?
Theatre? Ritual? Ancestors? Peers? Sisters? Trees? Anyone rowed through these waters before?
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https://www.diva-portal.org/smash/get/diva2:1537186/FULLTEXT01.pdf
Resisting medicalisation of Menopause. And reclaiming the body through design.
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The fabric weaves itself into inexpected spaces.
A conversation with Deepa in Thiru moves through her relationship with her mother, her experience of menopause and her memory of her mother going through menopause and their relationship period then. Got me reflecting. The second great rupture in my relationship with my mother...now inrealise happened when she was entering mid 40s. And yes. She was going through her menopause. There is somethinghere to be engaged with...a window waiting g to be opened. Menopause. That no one talks about and seem to know nothing about. Least of all to.prepare for it. Never mind dealing with it.
Conversation with shalini poi to to.preexistence of.body and emotional awareness.
Something online points to fascial health. And also to pointers of self care.
No. This is not selfindulgencess. This is stringing together broken threads of body wisdom and stages of experience of reality. To keep finding that autonomy. And that violence received be transformed within and not passed on.
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My cupboard clearing process gives me an near accurate description of where I am with regards my mental clarity and inner freedom. Today... clearing up before the upcoming pilligrimmage of a trip I realise...I have veered of the markers considerably.
I barely could throw anything into the give away pile. Infact, I found a new title for it - "material to play with".
The rest of it, 50 per cent of which I haven't worn and .ight not wear, went back into the cupboard slipping through the wide berth of the scanner with gate passes that sounded like
" oh he got me this after that first trip",
" oh this he got me from his trip to us",
" this is from ladakh",
" mom made this",
" mom got me this",
" I used to look good in this, maybe I'll loose weight",
" I love this one, maybe I can get another one made in this design",
" I used to be so myself when I was wearing only this"
So on...
Much clinging to the past versions. And not clear decisive idea of the choices and preferences of the present version. Actually...no. I do know.
I like yellows and pastels and turquoise blues. And soft fabrics and khaki cotton. And large oversized.flowing mysterious stuff. And whites. No collars. And since mom's last batch...knee length wrap around skirts.
I like sleevless. And cowl necks.
I don't like Tshirts except for walks and training.
I like interesting colored dupattas.
I like single slip cotton dresses. No prints.
Just the beauty of the fabric and the pigment. Minimal.
I miss minimal.
I guess I have to let all the buried chaos of the tiny flower prints of my grandmother and the incongruent fabric textures of my mother to all play out...before I can rest I to my minimal indigenous fabrics with earthy colors and no prints.
There. Phew.
Who am I? It really makes me wonder. How long it really takes to get to loin cloth.
The best times I remember, I could just clear out the cupboard. And would have a clear sense of who to give away what to. And there were no second thoughts. The whole thing took no longer than 20 minutes.
But then...truth be told. I have also reduced the number to cupboards I have across cities...to just this one. Everything is here. And this is all there is.
I'll work with it. One layer at a time.
...
What if I decide from today on... I will only wear upcycled bed sheets? Will life choices then be simpler and cohesive?
As I write this I am reminded of time when almost 90 per cent of my clothes were what someone was giving away. And more often than not someone one travelling through and making some more space in their rug sack and at the same times weaving into the fabric of the misty and mystical landscape of sisterhood. And that's how my back pack lightened too...there were enough connections of the soul to want to pull out that favorite top and offer it to another from some part of the world...a
Our crossing in time inevitable and in space unimaginable sometimes.
Nostalgia. First comes with cotton swabs. And then with a chisel and hammer.
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memory. Fabric. Alchemy of turning numb scar tissue into radiant golden weaves.
From when I walk. To.
When we walk.
...
What all is being handed down? What all have been filtered? What to keep and what to let go of?
How to keep that is to be kept?
How to let what needs to leave?
...
Moving women meeting staying men. Staying men start moving. What happens to the men and the women? How do they find still?
What veils are to be seen and known so that they part and breathing body becomes one with the breathing mind?
Where all does the gaze shift through and identify itself into, before noticing the tilts? to know and recognise it actual balanced resting centre?
...
What sanitizations became erasures that turned screaming raging voices in my ears? What voices are those that want to be heard so that they can finally rest and let a lullaby through?
What unremarkable lives are still stories of the earth no less? And are waiting to be seen to fly off as kites or swim away as little fish?
...
Can new relationships be found and repatterned through art making and archival process?
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Yoga Week2
Expereinces:
Forest Walk
Matrimandir inside , Gardens, Amphitheatre ( i much prefer the tree and the amphitheatre)
Farm volunteering
Asana:
Core
Balance
Twists
Attempt at 108 sun salutations
Philosophy
Framework of yoga( need a seprate post on this)
Shiva Siddhanta
Kriya
Trataka
Pranayama
Vajra Pranayama
Uddhyana Bandha
Discoveries
The breath and its shephearding
The jaw slack
Diaphram Tensions
Joy of exploring Vajra pranayama
Sitbones forming triangular base for moola bandha
Hacks
>Is this thought veiling / distracting me from having a full expereince of my true self inthis moment? (and traced back to) Is this gaze / gazer veiling/distracting me away from a true expereince..?
>A rather slow held sooryanamaskar after ever 18 in the the normal pace, Thats 6 rounds. of 18.
Or
in a pair a slow 10 after every 9th.. and 10 of those and then an 8
Connecting practice to life
SHifts
R seems no longer the main locus
Want to try this week
Enema
Jalaneti
Trataka
+ Feldenkrais : basic and soothing the nervous system
MAke more notes as ways of learning and understanding
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Yoga School TTC - cocreation: Week1
Asana Work:
Day1 - Hamstring
Day2- Core
Day3- Opening the heart
Day 4 - Mind / Balance / Twists
Breath Work
Samavritti Pranayam
Box Pranayam
Yogic Breathing
Tamil Shaiva Philosophy:
Aram ( like the Dao)
ANd Oozh
Anatomy
A bit out of depth. Summonging Bonnie Back into my life.
Insights:
Body - breath counts are indivators to arrive at a deep breaht. All 3 breaths cant be deep. But by the 3rd or the 5th or the 7th I arrive at that state and Ruthym
Body - Breath - Tortoise imagery in temples... when the breath went really low... it almost went below my perennium. ANd i understood the imagery in temples of tortpise holding the worlds. Maybe - all the work above-starts only after the tortoise state has been touched.
( i felt it only once. and while relaxing into the samavritti pranayam)
And somewhere it is in this state of breath that imgination kicks in. Else its surface level visualisation/fantasy. Imgination is something else - it engages with the breath ...cant explain. Its a feeling.
Body - Sides of the lower leg are weak - nneds strengthenin. First ever handstand attempt.
Body-Mind
Moola Banda: As bein dfferent from the genital or anal splincher compression. ANd coincidentally I was doing the Secreats of Ring Muscles with Maggie Burrows in Feldie. ANd this sugests that its not the spincher..its what is in between the splinchers.
And coincidentally Nick posted a free lesson on the perenium hold.. its done me a hell lot of good.
Philosophy
I am forgettable and I am forgivable. So that applies to everyone. You are forgetaable and forigveable.
I am either going in - into the world - in that case my heighest level is @pugazh@ - to be reknowned by spilling out of my cup in abundance.
Or I am going out - renunciate - in that case the letting go or detachment is the highest goals as markers bieng givem
In the combination of the 24 Prakritis i start ddiscovering who i am... why am i doing it?>
Memory:
Of JOhn and Cross road choice between John and Rock and how that determined so many things in life
Of school Annual Day hen i was proabaly 7..when i stood up a dance partner on Annual Day despite my interest in Dancing. But sheer fear and overwhelm took over and i hid myself literally. ANd the poop dirl had to faceit all .
That eminds me - of the diaries i used to have in Marian. And i used to lie a lot.
Intnetion - the giant white lotus - of receiving and transforming. for enough strength and joy and clarity that iharm /hurt no one.
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