16pysche

[16pysche]

on mondays we macerate

[16pysche]

Death Witchcraft Masterpost

-Beginner Death Witchcraft

-Unusual Death Witchcraft

-Spring Death Witchcraft

-Lost Cost Death Witchcraft

-Safe Crossings for Someone Who’s Passed (pet-friendly as well)

-Massaging the Bones (attuning tools and bones to your space)

-Web of Protection (symbiotic/deathwork based ward)

-A semi-theistic Prayer for Passing/Grief

-My Humorous Retelling of “Koschei the Deathless”

Graveyards:

-Ways to Bond with a Graveyard

-Graveyard Dirt Uses

-Graveyard Alternatives

-Graveyard Dirt Alternatives

-Subtle Graveyard Offerings

-Bereavement Traditions

Spirit Work/Ghosts:

-Spirit Work 101

-Autumn Spirit Work

-Communication with Ghosts

-Non-verbal Spirit Communication

-Using a Spirit/Ouija Board

-Spirit Work Techniques: Keys

-Spirit Work Techniques: Energy Directives

-Spirit Banishing Tip

Recipes/Spells:

-Spirited Jack O’Lantern

-Safe Crossings Jar

-Baked Apple Offerings

-Pumpkin Seed Offerings -Underworld Powder Series- Styx

-Underworld Powder Series- Lethe

-Underworld Powder Series- Cocytus

-Underworld Powder Series- Phlegethon

-Underworld Powder Series- Acheron

-Contacting a Loved One

-Death Witch Tip

-Death Witch Tip 2

[16pysche]

I keep trying so fucking hard no for the last few years for the last month not to relapse but I truly don’t know how much longer I can Hold out. I am doing the best I fucking can but the urges are the worst they have been in so many years. It doesn’t help that a 8 years ago this coming week will be the anniversary of my overdose. I have not a single fucking friend to talk to about any of it either. My heart hurts I’m tired of silently crying I am tired of my eyes bruising from it I am tired of the pathetic whimpering and choking back screaming as loud as I can. The easier undetectable way to hurt myself is starving myself and I’ve been restricting like hell. I haven’t been hitting 1000 calories for a two weeks now and it’s not enough. I just feel lighter I don’t feel the relief I keep begging for. It doesnt help I kept burning myself on accident baking. It’s like a tiny little taste of what I’ve been wanting for so long and it’s driving me insane. I hate the way scars look I hate I have to hide them for so long before they turn white and I hate there is no place for me to to hurt myself without someone seeing. I fucking hate it so much. I’ve tried to go through this year as sober as possible. I’ve drank maybe 3 times the whole year and it wasn’t heavy at all. I haven’t smoked I don’t do other drugs. I have done so much to try to be okay, I picked up writing again, I stared praying again, I have listened to books and podcasts and I have done so much so fucking much to just get through the bad stuff but it’s not fucking enough. It’s just not fucking enough.

[16pysche]

It’s not fair how you always run to everyone else’s when they need you no matter how hard it is for you

But when it’s me needing you for the same shit you turn away from me and do yo ur best to forget about it all together and you don’t care at all

It’s not fair

I make myself so small for you to take off stress from you I go without all the time to make things easier on you I don’t feel like I am a whole person anymore and maybe you don’t ask me to do this but if I don’t then things don’t get handled well. You always overindulge and I have to make up for it

I would do it over and over and over if you just let me breathe sometime

If you helped me when I needed you

Why does everyone else get you and I’m alone

Why can you do the simple task of just holding me and helping me and just communicating

You think I’m all better bc I don’t bother you with things anymore

But you reject me constantly

I open arm and my heart for you and you don’t fucking care at all

It’s not fair it’s not fair

You will look for love and seek help and refuge in any place but me when I’m the safe place

You don’t ever try to make a safe place for you you just get irritated and become self centered

I know you have problems and I always take that into account I really fucking do but my god why do you always do shit like this to me ? Why do you yo-yo with my feelings. I choke down my borderline so often and of course right when I truly can not afford for you to break me into pieces you do so causally

I give my whole life for you I’ll do it over and over again but I just wish I felt the love that I give to you in return. Just simple love and peace that’s all I want

It’s not fucking fair

[16pysche]

I am so tired

I don’t know if I’ll keep holding on

These days the lights are dim

I tell myself im fine and it’s okay but it’s not and I’m not

No one checked on me but when someone else aches they run to them just to be beside them

I’m just the wrong type of hurt

I’m the wrong type of content

I’m not enough for them

The scariest part a few years ago about the deep depression I fell into

Was not fearing death anymore

Even with my spiritual journey it’s brought me comfort

I believe what I believe and it’s true

Even now with someone else on the other side I love and miss so much it’s so much more tempting

Like always I’m not scared of dying but it’s the pain I don’t want

Or living through it again for things to be even more messed up all over again

I keep suppressing myself for others I live so small

I’m tired of this

I want release

Just peace please

[16pysche]

every day i think about jesus and the samaritan woman at the well. she really said why are you bothering to speak to me? do i matter to someone? does god see people like me? and jesus really said i see you. i love you. god loves all the people you've been told god doesn't love. and honestly when i realized that i wanted to drop a water pot and run screaming about it into town too

[16pysche]

I open my social media and you’re one of the faces that greet me when I go to share something to anyone, sometimes I stop myself and realize you won’t open the message even if I do send it.

I miss you, it still doesn’t feel real. It’s only been a little over a month and I’m still processing. I’m torn up inside. I want to talk about you and to you for days. I want a night to speak to the moon, to feel the humid breeze under candle light.

It’s humbling to see your face. But it’s not torture. I’m scared to forget you. I want to etch you into my brain forever. You’ve helped shape my soul. I learn from you everyday still. I’ll hold your sweet hand one day again, we will create art in our celestial bodies. We will be so divine, together. Wait for me. Be patient with me a little longer. I’ll ensure that my heart never stops burning for you. I’ll do my best to honor you like the goddess you are.

[16pysche]

I have most def released very very hard back into my ED and I am so overwhelmed by it

And the worst part is I’m so scared bc I hate that everyone tries to feed me over and over and im in a position where I have to plan and cook and pay attention for other people everyday

[16pysche]

I look pain and see pain that turned into shame that took home in my body. It burrowed its way in there and there are times where I even carved parts of myself to make room for it. It shocks me looking back and it’s obvious to see that it manifested inside off me and hangs off my flesh. I carried something, so much of a pest, inside of me.

It never went away, it just changed shape. It eventually changed me. No confidence, lead me to trusting people blindly. To pushing my own ideals and purists so deep down. To never standing up for myself which became resentment. Which lead me to hiding in fear of upsetting someone. To not knowing it was okay to fight for myself. To forcing myself to break down everything, everything, everything.

To feeling so unloveable that I forgot to love myself and had to fight tooth and nail to finally come back to me over the course of these years

I would take naive sweet authentic me everyday forever for the rest of my life over ever forcing myself to be anyone else ever again. I love me so much I love me I love me I love me I’ll worship me I pray to myself I pamper myself I enchant myself I built this cathedral of myself brick by brick, with the ash of every candle that blew out, with the sticks and the leaves in the forest in my mind, I watered this garden with my tears and the tears of angels. The blood I bled was mine alone. The cemetery filled with stones that say my name of many years ago, that read old ideals I grew out of and of parts of mine that became infected that I had to kill. The bones are mine too. The decomposition that fuels this ecosystem, It’s is all holy ground, to me. I’ll protect it with every inch of me, mind, body and soul.

When I look back and I feel lonely, it’s not just being alone. I know how I struggle with accepting help. I don’t think I am a collaborative project. I know me the best, I love me the best. In all reality I like that this is something of a secret to me. The moments where I feel misunderstood are not reflections of me. I am not meant to be so easily deconstructed. My layers are not layers of protection but simple petals of moon flower bloom.

[16pysche]

I keep having these moments i swear im awake but i go back and try to make sense of the situation and i just cant. I see things, not like "things" but on totally different occasions i've seen or maybe a better word would be read things that i end up not being able to find later and they are some how also just not exactly the way they should be, at the second im a little thrown off but i try not to feed into it. for example before facing a really hard truth that was setting me and my family up for a particularly rough time i got a hint of it while scrolling on facebook. there was a strange new source reporting the situations we found ourselves in. I searched all over to find the new outlet or at least the article and nothing. I then realized how there was little to no way that anyone would of even known about it as it was not something we went public with and was also not reported to the police. It bugged me but i shrugged it off. Part of me felt like it was like a heads up but from who or what? Now i go to search for an email related to a job hunt ive been on and i can not find it for the life of me. i check every single inch of my email and NOTHING again. I have yet to see if this is also a case of it being a heads up and being true but i will be doing so shorty. i have had a lot of stress on me lately but this feels weird. I have had vivid dreams for a long time now but it didnt feel like a dream at all esp considering that you are not usually able like read in dreams, not guess what something is saying or just "know" but truly read something. i do have issues with delusions aits and i dont want to say divine intervention just yet but its most certainly something i want to keep an eye on. If someone is watchin out for me i would love to be able to honor and thank them properly.

[16pysche]

In my times of great great need i am alone I think this means I’ve always been alone. I am ok with alone. But a little disturbed I guess that I was convinced I wasn’t. I was convinced that when I needed community it was gonna be there. A hand, an ear. The harder things get the less I am surrounded by love no matter how good I am. This says a lot to me. It’s ok to always be good, bc regardless ppl will just leave and overlook you. You’re good for you and no one else that’s what matters. Me. It does irk me slightly to have been guilted at and shamed for being so off-put just for things to come around and really prove to me I was doing the right things. Those reactions people had over me weren’t about me. They could of been about anyone. I could of been anyone. I was just an anchor to make the pain real, to set their sails on. I apologize for any resent I carry due to that. I now know I’ve always been right. It was never wasted energy. More an experiment. I’ve learned so much about others, the world and myself. Now my heart feels restless. I have become accustomed to have my words become fleeting at the dis-regulation i am living through. Now is not the time for connection. Now is the time to labor a hard summer once again. I now see the signs were clear, I was just unaware. It makes sense now. All of it. Reality no longer feels like a glass window. I can see it and smell it. It is terrifying. The beauty I miss out on everyday. How I yearn for it. One day I’ll be that beauty. Submerged. Now I am replanting myself. With that I must find a new way to care for myself. Tend to myself. I now need to understand what I need. How to keep growing. How much water? How much light? To create sugar. Sweetness.

[16pysche]

Necropolis of the St. Alexander Nevsky Lavra of the Holy Trinity, Saint-Petersburg, Russia.

[16pysche]

Like truly it is isolating for things to get worse and crazy when all my loved ones are so well. I am so happy for them none of my pain will ever turn my love sour bc they deserve the world and I do too it’s just hard when it’s not just not one or two humps I have to get over and it’s a whole life time worth of them. I pray I can celebrate hand and hand with them one day. Everyday now it’s the very little things I’m happy for. Water, food, a place to stay. A bed, safety in the physical sense. It’s so precious. I know at least I’ll always truly adore the small details

[16pysche]

I inhale life and exhale nothing.

My lungs empty 

My rib cage broken

Nothing could protect me.

Like the beast the damage was great

No concern for tidiness

Took my heart like a trophy.

Left as a carcass to carry on

A body with no means to survive.

No reason to live. 

All i was left with was this rot.

Maggots married to me.. 

[16pysche]

I want to badly to just be free and so perfectly serine. Be full of warmth and love. Just endless being wrapped up.

[16pysche]

Sometimes I feel like I am as a person a battery charging up. Compartmentalizing parts about myself helps me understand myself. Focusing on one aspect of something I want/need to take take up such a large chunk of my daily routine. Taking full acknowledge helped me realize it truly takes up my whole day, I wake up around 5 and stay awake atleast till 7:30 and sometimes even later if it’s bad and I can’t sleep. I used to only still sleep till 10, now it’s 11-1. I’m very ashamed of sleeping in so late. Being awake has been very hard, I am able to usually take care of myself and the things I have accustomed to doing everyday. The bare min routine.

Wake up, make breakfast and prep lunches. Clean buttercups area, feed and water her. Lock up and try to sleep. The less satisfying my sleep, upon awake has been, the less I enjoy it. I wake up with dread in my stomach, I’ve usually had a dramatic dream highlighting that stress. I have very bad ptsd especially in the summer. Homelessness, natural disasters, losing family and community, being broken to bits, it’s all so much.I am breaking through with learning, I do leave behind so much else of me. Everything is just crossing off a list, getting a chore done. I begin to loathe. My energy is carefully curated to survive day by day.

I still feel like I’m in danger and truly need to just calm down but I can’t. I rather disassociate heavily. I am on auto pilot. Feelings of depersonalization and derealization.

I long for being a person, being able to enjoy my life, take care of myself. I want above this so badly. I think about how I truly want to enjoy the mundane. I love the everyday life. I feel most alive when I am connected to my space. I cherish slow living greatly.

I look at the person I want to. Living because the actions i preform make me feel so happy, so alive, to confident not because I want people to look. I don’t. It scares me. I want to hide away but I crave to also be sociable, friendly. I want to get better with connection, in the proper way, for the proper settings. Finally embracing and connecting so many things I hurt myself over. Just realizing and collecting myself.

Writing stuff like this makes me feel much better. Not just to get it out but as a writer I miss is so much. I am trying to recollect my thoughts i hoarded for years. Trying to untangle it all. There’s so much i need and want to say. I used to be able to channel my feelings. Being numb, but not enough. I also feel as if I write I am less likely to word vomit. My intimacy issues strike, I feel so boring and a burden.

I will one day write down my thoughts more often again. I’ll be able to stay awake long enough, be able to give energy to something. I feel stuck, the last time I felt this restless was years ago. I want the numbing tingle of medication. I ache to drink too much, to hurt myself. Just to give myself something to hold onto. Anchoring me. I won’t. Sadly. I want to mis use medicine. I have refrained. I am trying to control my emotions. I’m praying I can hold out. I feel fuzzy and infected. Icky. I want peaceful life so badly. I want to be safe so badly. I’m trying so hard to pull out of it. My spoons are so low. I’m thankful for the people in my life who understand. It’s taken me so long to as well.

[16pysche]

I understand I have love and support in other places, small places. Single digits. I’m grateful nonetheless. But it’s so painfully obvious how difficult is for others outside of my situation to even level or to grasp the deep level it affects me. It’s hard enough to explain the issues and not feel crazy. I feel so disconnect from it all. It’s the PTSD, it ruins in my blood but I can’t make the picture out it’s so blurry.I can’t just not care, I wish I could sometime. I care so much about so many things and so many people. I have to be numb to it all in order to keep going but when it rears it’s ugly head I have no choice but to pay attention when it’s demanding me to. I’ll be free from this one day, but at what cost? I guess it’s not a cost from me, it was always going to be this way.