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The analogy of Matty as a “forget him” pill in the Fortnight video and “I took the miracle move on drug, the effects were temporary” is the heart of it I feel. If you had to have an extremely painful surgery and could choose to go medicated or not, what would you pick? She had to end things with Joe but she couldn’t bring herself to do it for years because she knew the pain of actually losing him would be too much to bear, and along comes this person peddling that he can take away all the pain. He sells her a story about how he is the great love of her life, that he’s never forgotten her all this time, that it was supposed to be them all along. He can give her everything she can’t bear to let go of. And who wouldn’t want to believe that, when the alternative is … the love that you thought was forever just ends and there’s nothing and no one? So she does it, she takes the pill, she has the surgery, only to find he was selling not just snake oil but poison that leaves her far worse off than she was in the beginning. She feels all the pain of the surgery and the side effects of the drug in one fell swoop.

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"the big thing that changed for me re: joever. just not awake yet to articulate it" Bestie are you awake yet I'm itching to hear thissss

okay, so here goes. this is completely subject to change so no one hold me accountable for this take if i decide something different in two hours or tomorrow or next week, but here goes (also putting this below a cut because it's long and i feel a little nervous to post it):

obviously what happened with joe in the end was really bad, and we were right about a lot of it. the way things fell apart was ugly. they were engaged in the depression olympics and daring each other to go lower. it was cold and there wasn't a lot of talking anymore. they were living in a pit of sadness. he made her feel small. she changed everything about herself and her life to accommodate him, his needs, his insecurities, his moods. there was (maybe?) cheating. there wasn't a lot of real forward momentum. they both seemingly sort of knew it was over, but there was so much love, so many dreams, so many stories they'd written about themselves that neither of them could pull the trigger because they didn't want to believe they weren't true. i think she's really upset and hurt about that.

but with that said! the grace she gave him really surprised me. all of the songs about him are laced with this underlying tenderness. and i was thinking a lot about why yesterday, and i think at least some of her anger at matty is because she feels like he lured her out of that relationship before she was ready. it was going to end - that's undeniable. and ending it was her choice, not his. but it's like when he reappeared in her life in 2021 or 2022, he became the devil on her shoulder. he let her write a story of pining for him for a decade and craft a narrative that made leaving feel more palatable. he fed her fantasies (look up the lyrics to the downtown lights). he quickly became aware of the sore spots between her and joe because he showed up at the right time and in the right spaces, like the studio. i also think jack feels some blame for this.

and i think it's that that forced her to pull the trigger when she did and how she did. i think his voice in her ear, about it being their time, about seizing the moment, combined with the tour, is what made her decide to do it by email, from afar, kind of coldly. he wanted her to capitalize on may. so she did. and this is not me blaming him. it was her decision, and she knows that! and she needed out! but i wonder if she feels like she did it too soon and incorrectly - that after what they shared, he deserved a better goodbye and more closure. and this is another thing that makes her searingly mad at matty, too, because he took the end of that from her. i still think she hates joe, too, in a way. but i wonder if she wishes she could hate him without feeling like she may done him badly or herself badly. idk.

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the prophecy is like evil invisible string

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i have an essay in my head and i can’t decide if it’s worth irritating people to type it out

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the way the universe is literally rewarding taylor for years of hopeless romanticism and faith… like the universe gave her travis wrapped up in a bow it’s crazy

it just makes me want to weep for her, i'm so happy

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quinn and luke hughes during the national anthem (1-6-24)

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Words can break someone into a million pieces, but they can also put them back together. I hope you use yours for good, because the only words you’ll regret more than the ones left unsaid are the ones you use to intentionally hurt someone. What you say might be too much for some people. Maybe it will come out all wrong and you’ll stutter and you’ll walk away embarrassed, wincing as you play it all back in your head. But I think the words you stop yourself from saying are the ones that will haunt you the longest. So say it to them. Or say it to yourself in the mirror. Say it in a letter you’ll never send or in a book millions might read someday. I think you deserve to look back on your life without a chorus of resounding voices saying ‘I could’ve, but it’s too late now.’ There is a time for silence. There is a time waiting your turn. But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say, you’ll know it. I don’t think you should wait. I think you should speak now.

Speak Now (2010)

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i am a different person than who i was last year. my hair is longer and i cry less and i am stronger. i am a different person than who i was six months ago. i am free and different and am embracing change. i am a different person than who i was a month ago. i sit in the sunlight without worry and i don’t let things stick and i look up and smile. i am a different person than who i was last week. i explore more and look at the sky and laugh more. i am a different person than who i was yesterday. i let go and breathe. i am whole.

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emma macdonald rant

this is something that's been quite noticeable for months now, but it's been a long time since i've come across a lifestyle vlogger as lazy, unmotivated, uninspired, and borderline dispassionate as emma. she is a lifestyle vlogger who struggles to make content of even the most basic aspects of her life. in her "i'm back" vlog from two weeks ago, she straight up verbally recaps her day, and says she "didn't feel like showing" the things she did... does she realize that people want to SEE her doing these "work" things she talks about, and not watch a 10 minute clip of her talking about getting back into hot pilates and yoga, and being in her gym era while driving around? also, obviously the chatty vlogs are nice, but she has a podcast... so her and maggie can chit chat. why doesn't she show her day in her vlogs, and save some of the chatty segments for the podcast? at least then the podcast might be worth a listen.

the worst part is when people comment and tell her that her content is boring, because it is, she just comments back "don't watch it then." i'm not even kidding, she replied to a yt comment with those exact words. i'm sure some people are too harsh (check the reddit threads, yikes), and it must not feel great to receive criticism for something that she's been doing for six years, but wake up, girl. she's hemorrhaging followers and supporters. her views and comments seem to be less than normal, and yet none of that is enough to make her realize that she needs to improve her channel. also, you'd think after six years she'd have mastered her craft, especially when it's as easy as picking up a camera, filming her life, and sending it off to an editor to deal with. but, it seems like as more time goes on, the more she puts her only job on the back burner. and i say only job because let's not act like she puts more effort into her tiktok or instagram content either. i'd get it if this was just a dry spell in her life and she's just having an uneventful few months, but this seems to be it for her. and i can't even imagine what it'll be like after she gets married.

i watch a lot of lifestyle vloggers and from those individuals, the macdonald sisters are arguably two of the most boring ones. maggie a little less so because even if she stays home all the time, at least she puts in more effort and genuinely puts her heart into it. i give her more of a pass because for some reason i still enjoy her content, and i actually believe that maggie has an undying passion for youtube. i haven't felt that from emma in ages. it's just sad seeing someone with an amazing platform and cushy job waste it and basically insult her audience by not even putting 30% of effort into it. also, doesn't emma have an editor? what exactly are her and her team doing that causes her to upload a pre-filmed video like two months later?? i don't understand how someone who does virtually nothing but wake up, go to the gym or pilates, makes simple meals, and travels with her nba fiance, is so tired and exhausted all the time.

for all the shit paige lorenze has received over the years, i will say that she is one of the most entertaining and creative youtubers on the platform right now, specifically in her little niche. her content is truly a breath of fresh air, and most importantly, she too seems to put her heart and soul into the content she creates. say what you want about her, i know i've critiqued her, but she has shown what dedication and passion could look like. it's just ironic that someone who started on the platform years after emma is surpassing her in terms of content quality and quantity by an absurd amount.

i think observing her peers would do emma some good because they are the ones who are going to surpass her and leave her in the dust when more and more people realize that listening to her talking about the gym 24/7 isn't exciting anymore. she's getting married and can't even make more interesting content based on that. not that her channel should become entirely bridal based, but considering getting married has become half of her personality, you'd think she'd milk it for more content. idk if everyone around her is just constantly congratulating her and telling her how hard-working she is, therefore leading her to have this deluded sense of self, but i just can't imagine being proud of this kind of job performance. this trajectory is just sad because she started out so passionate about youtube, and well... here we are.

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THIS IS LITERALLY IT.

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“Without your past, you could never have arrived so wondrously and brutally, by design or some violent, exquisite happenstance ...here” is the thesis of the Eras tour. In this essay I will…

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Taylor releasing Maroon is SOOOOOO wild... Like she released a breakup song called Red and then 10 years later released another song about the same relationship called Maroon and both the title and the themes represent this darkening and lingering feeling from the first song/emotion about the entire thing... Like she just DID that

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btw upon reflection, the best part of taylor’s speech hands down was “this might be hard for you to hear: in your life, you will inevitably misspeak, trust the wrong person, underreact, overreact, hurt the people who didn’t deserve it, overthink, not think at all, self-sabotage, create a reality where only your experience exists, ruin perfectly good moments for yourself and others, deny any wrongdoing, not take the steps to make it right, feel very guilty, let the guilt eat at you, hit rock bottom, finally address the pain you caused, try to do better next time, rinse, repeat. and i’m not going to lie. these mistakes will cause you to lose things. but i’m trying to tell you losing things doesn’t just mean losing. a lot of the times, when we lose things, we gain things too.”

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this is going to be difficult -> i am capable of doing difficult things -> i have done everything prior to this moment -> this difficulty will soon be proof of capability

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november 11, 2023 is my roman empire

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Can I ask you a question...?

The release of 1989 TV exposed the fact that Taylor absolutely loves to ask Harry Styles questions in the songs she writes about him, so here's a comprehensive list of all the questions she's asked him in songs that (we think) are about their relationship:

Are we out of the woods yet?

Are we in the clear yet?

Remember when you hit the brakes too soon?

Remember when we couldn't take the heat?

Why'd you have to lead me on?

Why'd you have to twist the knife?

Why'd you have to make me want you?

Why'd you have to give me nothing back?

Why'd you have to make me love you?

Did you get anxious though, on the way home?

What do you tell your friends we shared dinners and long weekends with?

Was it over when she laid down on your couch?

Was it over when he unbuttoned my blouse?

Was it over then, and is it over now?

Did you think I didn't see you?

Did you ever have someone kiss you in a crowded room?

Then what did you do?

Did you leave her house in the middle of the night?

Did you wish you put up more of a fight when she said it was too much?

Do you wish you could still touch her?

Did you realize out of time she was on your mind?

Do you wish you put up more of a fight when said it was too much?

Does it feel like everything is like second best after that meteor strike?

Can I ask you a question?

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slut! is such an interesting exploration of the larger thesis of wildest dreams (this will end but it’s so good right now), specifically what will happen to her when it ends, what it will cost her, and ultimately taylor deciding that yes this moment is worth them slut shaming me for however long they will. that’s how lovesick she is. (it’s very Romantic but that’s another post.)

in general 1989 is an album obsessed with consequences. out of the woods repeatedly asks if it’ll end well. all you had to do was stay declares that there are consequences to her ex lover’s actions. i wish you would daydreams about what could’ve been if they’d made different choices. bad blood is about the consequences of betrayal. wildest dreams sees the end as it begins. how you get the girl is an instruction manual on how to get the outcome you want. clean describes a woman in the aftermath. wonderland discusses what she should’ve done differently to not end up here (essentially: everything she did.) new romantics takes the theme and plays around with it - maybe this is all gonna fuck me up, but isn’t the aesthetic worth it?! and then there’s the vault.

all of this is to say, 1989 is an album set in the past, with all the wisdom of what is to come. keeping that in mind makes slut! and its promise to pursue the thing that will hurt even more precious