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if i’m sharing it on tumblr it’s still privacy sorry u can’t convince me otherwise this is my house

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Hurts today, hurts a lot today. I miss myself so much. I miss February. I’m trying.

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ig: elen.dali

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zaraynaf via instagram

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m.

I’m literally 22. I don’t know how else to start this except I’m 22. I turned 22 and then I met you and I got drunk and you drove me home and held my hand. and then we kissed 3 days later, right before you left. on the beach with the full moon. you laid me down and kissed me and I got really nervous so I asked to sit in your car. we got food and you drove me home, you kissed me and I told you you were a great kisser. just like that. you had me. it was so simple, I was sending voice notes to my groupchat about you in the elevator because I couldn’t even believe how great everything was. and how much I wanted it. We FaceTimed every day for hours and I never wanted to let you go and because of that I never really noticed you weren’t really as attached as I was. but that’s the thing, I told you. I told you I couldn’t get attached to something that wasn’t real. I couldn’t go through that. and you promised. and then you did it anyway and it’s not your fault? but I want it to be. I want it to be your fault so I can hate you and this can be easier. I hopped on a plane and went to see you. waited so long to see you, waited longer for you to get there, waited while you did your homework, waited for you to come home from talking to stray girls in your complex. once again, your actual job and I know it’s not your fault but fuck. you made me trust you blindly and you let me start falling in love with you and why would you do that? why would you FaceTime me and end it when you knew I was all yours. why would you break my heart? why wasn’t I enough. I really was starting to fall for you and as much as I hoped I wasn’t, I was. you were like love at first sight. No one has treated me the way you have, in such a short time. you made me realize what love looks like and for that I’m thankful. I wish so much for you to come back still but tonight I said goodbye. we’ve been over longer than we were together, and we weren’t together. cant tell if the hardest part is realizing you didn’t have to do the same or realizing that I let you have all of me and we weren’t even together. you fucked me raw and we weren’t even together, cause in my heart we were and we were there and it was fucking Valentine’s Day. Why would you give me anything if you knew? Why didn’t I take the fucking lead? I always do but I didn’t with you because I was so. lost in the connection and all the ideas of our future we came up with. jeez. why did you let me go on and on about being a military wife? why did I want to be a military wife?????? A MILITARY WIFE????? I’m brown and live in America do you KNOW what it is like to WANT to be a little housewife to your white passing partner??? God you don’t even really know how crazy I was about you and that’s the craziest part. You’ll never know just how much I was willing to give, how much I was willing to risk. but I thank you a little. cause I already started to forget what it feels like to kiss you, fuck you. I honestly can’t remember much. I know how I felt though. I wish I could forget that too. all in all, I have memories now that didn’t need to exist and you’re long gone probably chasing after someone new or someone old. just not me. and who knows maybe I don’t give myself enough credit, maybe you’re still hung up over me too. maybe we’ll reunite one day. I hope so. your smile is so unforgettable man. I wish I never met you. almost. I almost wish I never met you. 012321/022821/041621 - I’m gone this time too, can’t keep waiting. not for love, not for you.

thanks one more time for the love, and I guess thank you for the heartbreak too. xo

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melibonni via instagram

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👼🏼