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[21stcenturymen]

Men Are Lost... ish

Christine Emba’s op-ed about men lacking a good roadmap forward struck a chord with me. Particularly toward the end where she and her sourced experts rang the bell that aging men have a responsibility for both adapting to a changing world and acting as valuable role models to a younger generation presently wading into a vacuum filled - mostly - by right-wing misogynists like Jordan Peterson and Andrew Tate.

This was meant as a limited-run blog, but then this isn’t a limited-run issue. And particularly in the last few years, American culture has really started to grapple with the question of “What is good masculinity?” Ultimately (as Emba points out) that exists on a spectrum between complete denial of both established social moors and biology and utter, dreadful misogyny. We can be healthy, whole humans without hating over half the population... or ourselves.

But what, truly, is the roadmap? No one knows. Even when the Washington Post Sunday email blast claimed that Emba had found such a treasure map, the article itself is lacking of just such a thing. And perhaps that’s for the best. Claiming to have a defined solution to a problem this complex would run afoul of the same hubris and chest thumping of people like Peterson and Tate. So, false advertising aside, Emba does provide (what I believe to be) a real answer to the question: we gotta live in that gray space of trying and not knowing at the same time.

With that in mind, I want to invite readers of this blog to an event! In the spirit of articles like this one (that acknowledges masculinity is something that craves definition and in the absence of a good one will find a bad one) I’ll be performing a piece about masculinity and aging between August 4th and 12th at The Phoenix Theater in Minneapolis. Five performances, and here are some instructions on how to purchase them:

Go here: https://minnesotafringe.org/shows/2023/phoenix-presents#info

On the “More Info” page, you can see the dates that align specifically to my show: Aging In An Age of Change.

Write down the date and time that works for you.

Then purchase your ticket on the “Ticket Options” tab. Note that only 1/3 of the performances are for my show, so make sure you’re selecting the one that aligns with the date and time you picked on the “More Info” tab.

As with Emba, I can provide reassurance, empathy, and a starting point for how to move forward, and you should absolutely read her op-ed. But neither she nor I can provide an absolute roadmap. Anyone who claims otherwise is taking advantage of you. I hope to see you there!

[21stcenturymen]

NYT Extremism Article

It is vital for ALL parents of white boys to read this. A few things to consider:

1. "Why does this article only target boys?" Because girls are some of the targets of this extremism. The neo-Nazis aren't trying to recruit them.

2. YouTube advertising (and even their autoplay algorithm) is racist as hell. If you must have YouTube, and your kids are going to use it, pay the $12/mo for YouTube Premium so they're not exposed to so much advertising.

3. I know this part really sucks - we HAVE to be involved in what content kids are viewing. There's a fuck-ton of it, to be sure, but at the very least, get those parental controls and block Reddit, 4chan, Daily Stormer, and other platforms grown angry men use to spread hate.

4. Please, please, PLEASE encourage your boys to be comfortable AS INDIVIDUALS. Stop pressing them to have girlfriends, asking them who they're interested in, or in other ways pressuring them into romantic situations. The more boys are comfortable with themselves as individuals, the less they'll seek out groups like Incels & Red Pills (which funnel men through to other types of extremism as well) because they won't be as likely to feel entitled to affection from women or resentful about the lack thereof.

5. Prevention: teach kids what white supremacy looks like and what it does before they learn it from someone else. Fear and/or discomfort of talking about race leaves a void extremists are happy to fill.

6. Be careful about punishments. As the article says, "Inevitably, kids who have encountered these messages will mimic extremist talking points, and those of us who find these views repulsive may be tempted to yell at them, ground them or take away their devices in a futile attempt to keep them away from this propaganda. The problem is, punitive responses often create a sense of shame that can feed a growing sense of anger — an anger the alt-right is eager to exploit."

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/12/opinion/sunday/white-supremacist-recruitment.html

[21stcenturymen]

Geeks Without God

Okay, more panel info and recordings are forthcoming (thank you for your patience!) but in the meantime, here's an episode of the podcast Geeks Without God that features yours truly! You can hear Molly, Nick, Tim, and myself discuss misogyny in the gaming industry, standup comedy, and more.

Thanks to the Geeks for the invite!

[21stcenturymen]

MN Fringe - Part III

Our third panel was intended to center around gender, sexuality, and intersectionality, and to a degree, it did. But due to the mass shootings in El Paso and Dayton, and an officer-involved shooting of a black man in North Minneapolis all happening within 36 hours of the discussion, we changed course.

The discussion included 5 luminaries of local activism: Andrea Jenkins, Marcela Michelle, Taiyon J. Coleman, Erica Fields, and Lisa Stratton. I have never in my life experienced such powerful thoughtfulness as I did during this discussion, and it’s re-framed everything I think about how I interact with people since.

The discussion started with a recounting of the past days’ horrors, and a careful association to white supremacy. Because, even the man who shot his wife and was subsequently shot by Minneapolis police was acting in a way commensurate with white male patriarchy. We take, and when what we want is not given freely, we take by force. This is modeled in every version of white male patriarchy since before the Roman empire.

We talked about how white male supremacist behavior models of giving commands instead of asking politely are mirrored in websites like Google and YouTube. For example, watch a Toby Kieth video, let YouTube play on random, and see how long before you’re at some yahoo’s rando white supremacist video. My news feed is another example of Google’s inherent toxicity. Though I keep telling it never to show my sites like The Federalist, or other ultra-right wing content, it keeps popping back into my feed anyway. If the content were truly algorithm-based as they claim, my preferences would be logged and the pattern of avoiding conservative content would be recognized. But it never is. In the local news feed, follow-up on the above-referenced story of an officer-involved shooting is the 11th story in the feed, after such hard-hitting pieces as the City Pages’ hot take on a real estate agent’s bus advertising.

The panel talked about the fact that the South never truly surrendered or lost the Civil War, and are in fact still fighting it. Also, that Donald Trump’s language (while vile and inciting) is a symptom. For however horrific he may be when it comes to race, justice, gender, etc., he was elected by American citizens. The continued racism of America and the individuals who so staunchly defend it are what elected Donald Trump to office, and it’s important to remember that defeating him in 2020 will not resolve those issues, however important that goal may be.

We developed a metaphor for poor white folks who vote for people like Donald Trump and Mitch McConnell (and really anyone who insists on not helping their neighbors). Imagine you’re a white person who has been stepped on by the system - medical bills, job loss, displacement, etc. But you see the media that promised you success simply because you’re white, and you believe you’ve been lied to. At some level, there’s still the hope that you’ll be able to move up. The reality is: this is capitalism. The white men at the top are under no obligation to help you, but your physiological similarities make you kin. This is the nose and the raft. That physiological privilege puts your nose just above water, and while you struggle to survive, it’s easier to push down those drowning to hold yourself up than to reach up and insist on fair treatment from those lounging on the raft.

One of the most important things a white person (and particularly a white man) who cares about the world around them can do, is to recognize their nose is just above water, and that those drowning deserve life as well. What does another human being’s humanity mean to you? Why is it so easy for us to reduce those with whom we are unfamiliar to less-than-human? Never look to others who are suffering to compare your suffering. Look to those who profit from all suffering. They are the ones responsible for not just the harm to people of color, LGBTQIA+, and immigrants, but to you as well.

Speak to the other folks whose noses are just above water. Teach each other about how even that seemingly insignificant amount of privilege saves your children from profiling by police, gets your resume a second look, and avoids erasure in media. You don’t have to be proud of your privilege, or even necessarily grateful for it, but you CAN use it to reduce harm to others.

What does someone’s humanity mean to you? Until we all start treating everyone else’s humanity as on-par with our own, we cannot heal.

[21stcenturymen]

MN Fringe - Part II

Our second panel discussion centered on dating and relationships. It featured local relationship experts Justine Mastin and Kimberly Koehler, and domestic abuse victim advocate Raelene Caswell. Here’s a quick summary:

Represent yourself honestly! Start this long before you vault into the dating scene. Make a list of not just the characteristics you want to avoid in a partner, but the characteristics you want in a partner. Be honest about what your tendencies are. Think, “Do I have a tendency to gravitate toward people whose behavior mirrors previous trauma?” And put those items on the “no” list.

There are no wooly mammoths in Lake Winnihoohoo (you had to be there). What this means is our amygdala (the part of the brain designed to protect us from saber-tooth tigers and other large predators) is still at work in the 21st century. It tells us to be afraid of the different, and to keep close to the familiar. But we don’t live in a tribalistic society anymore. We know humans are just humans. Take stock of how you’re swiping on your dating apps. For example, white folks: are you swiping left on people of color pretty consistently? Don’t let your lizard brain tell you to be afraid of people because they’re not like you.

You are WHOLE whether you’re in a relationship or not. You are not one piece, looking for another piece so you can become whole. If you feel something is missing from your life, really work on making sure you’re your own person before putting the onus of filling that void on someone else. And for parents: when you’re watching media that depicts people as incomplete until they find a partner, do your best to help your kids understand that’s not true. Children inherently see themselves as whole and don’t need another person to complete them. Don’t let culture and media take that sense of wholeness away.

For victims of abuse in relationships, there are many resources available, but in the Twin Cities, please know that Raelene and her organization SafeJourney are available for you. It’s okay to reach out when you need it.

Relationships are hard. Communicate what you actually want, not what you anticipate the other person wants to hear. Be your own advocate, because you’re no good to your partner if your own happiness and honesty are compromised.

There are two more discussions this weekend on extremism and sexism in producing theatre. Get your tickets here!

https://www.minnesotafringe.org/2019-show-information/a-mans-guide-for-appropriate-behavior-in-the-21st-century

[21stcenturymen]

MN Fringe - Part I

Hello folks! The Minnesota Fringe festival is in full-swing, and the panel discussions have been going exceedingly well. Our first panel on August 1 was a hyper-informative discussion about street and workplace harassment featuring local experts Katie LaPlant, Lisa Stratton, and Derek “Duck” Washington.

I’ll have a larger follow-up on this and the other discussions in the near future, but suffice it to say, there were some excellent takeaways:

1. #bethatguy. The International Building Trades promoted the phrase for their workers to learn to step up and identify when something unacceptable was happening in the workplace. You don’t have to be Rambo - you just have to care enough to say something to leadership. Be. That. Guy.

2. Doing the right thing is more profitable. It’s sad, but true that companies who adopt comprehensive harassment policies and codes of conduct pay out less in settlements, and look more favorable to the public.

3. Individuals are not legally responsible for their behavior in the corporate workplace. This means the company is who gets sued. Sure, the company can fire the offender, but the greater pattern is for companies to simply shift the offenders to different jobs or tasks, thereby sweeping the behavior under the rug. There needs to be real consequences for offenders. If you have one in your office, FIRE THEM.

Get your tickets for this weekend’s discussions here:

https://www.minnesotafringe.org/2019-show-information/a-mans-guide-for-appropriate-behavior-in-the-21st-century

[21stcenturymen]

Man’s Guide Preview!

Hello everyone! Here’s a preview of what our show at the Minnesota Fringe is going to be about:

Get your tickets here:

https://www.minnesotafringe.org/2019-show-information/a-mans-guide-for-appropriate-behavior-in-the-21st-century

[21stcenturymen]

Tickets available!

You can secure your tickets to the Man’s Guide panel discussions at the Minnesota Fringe Festival right now. Or, sometime between now and August. Really, I don’t want to stress you out.

Select the discussion(s) that interest you most and reserve your seats here:

A Man’s Guide at the Minnesota Fringe

See you soon!

[21stcenturymen]

Bringing it to the REAL WORLD

Thank you all for your patience. A Man’s Guide has been on hiatus for some time as I get my ducks in a row. As I live in Minnesota, they’re technically grey ducks, and I have no idea how to handle that, so it’s been a bit of a quandary.

BUT! We’re jumping out into the real world. And by “we,” I mean me. In one of my other lives, I’m a theatre writer, performer, and producer, so live theatre is my most cultivated language.

As such, I’ve secured a slot in the Minnesota Fringe Festival that runs from August 1 - 11 of this year. Instead of writing a play, however, I’m going to host a discussion series. I know we talk about toxic masculinity a lot around here, and I want to give the men who read this blog a chance to hear how toxic masculinity manifests from experts in the gender zeitgeist.

There will be more to come (including new artwork!), but put these dates and topics on your calendars:

August 1 - 10:00: Street & workplace harassment August 3 - 5:30: Dating August 4 - 8:30: Gender, sexuality, & intersectionality August 10 - 7:00: Violence, incels, & managing expectations August 11 - 1:00: Producing theatre

I’ll ask the participants questions and have them speak from their expertise. At the end, there’ll be a brief period for questions, but the real focus here is on the guests, who will bring volumes of valuable knowledge right to your fingertips. I’ll then post reference materials and info based on those discussions.

Hope to see you there!

SIDE NOTE: I got married and took my wife’s name, so I’m now Scot Froelich if you’re a little confused. More info on my projects at scotfroelich.com.

[21stcenturymen]

Kindness

This one is straight off-the-cuff. No links, no cited incidents, just... some thoughts.

I am a person who suffers with depression. It’s not bad, and relatively under-control, but I still struggle during the holiday season. Over the years, I’ve been resentful of the holidays because they seemed fake to me. People buying gifts out of obligation, people expecting gifts instead of focusing on giving them...

And as I’ve aged, I don’t know that culture around the holidays has changed that much, but I know I have. It’s about perspective, right? Yes, there is falsehood in the holidays, but there is also kindness and decency. Not from everyone, and not all the time, but we hear these stories. About a family looking for a place to stay when they were strangers. About an oil lamp that miraculously stays lit during the darkest time of year. About the three days of death before mother earth begins returning the sun and life to us. And these stories about hospitality, patience, faith and forgiveness, and hope and rebirth help us through.

It’s really easy to be negative, and to be instructive instead of gracious and accepting. Though these things are culturally endemic to masculinity, we have the opportunity to change those expectations. To listen when others tell us their fears. To be patient when others are lashing out and angry. And to be kind and forgiving when others hurt us. True, it depends on the hurt, how much anger is demonstrated, and all these circumstantial elements, but we can always think just a little more before responding. After all, an eye for an eye just leaves a room full of blind men. Most of the time when others are hurtful, it’s about them, not about us.

The intent behind A Man’s Guide is to have a guide for men to go forward. As we move into the new year, and more and more time is spent writing the book than being present here, I will try to keep in mind that being positive, and providing those steps is more important than pointing out the wrongs of the past.

Happy holidays, and may love, patience, and understanding be in your life this holiday season.

-Scot

[21stcenturymen]

Human Compassion

RATING: Everyone

Leviticus 23:22 says "When you reap the harvest of your land, do not reap to the very edges of your field or gather the gleanings of your harvest. Leave them for the poor and for the foreigner residing among you. I am the LORD your God."

Exodus 22:21 says "You must not mistreat or oppress foreigners in any way. Remember, you yourselves were once foreigners in the land of Egypt."

Luke 14:12-14 says "Then Jesus said to his host, 'When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or sisters, your relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.'"

The Statue of Liberty says "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free..."

William Shakespeare voiced Sir Thomas More, saying, "Should so much come too short of your great trespass, As but to banish you, whither would you go? What country, by the nature of your error, Should give you harbour? ... this is the strangers' case; And this your mountainish inhumanity."

Immigration, homelessness, and the need to flee one's home (becoming a refugee) are endemic to the human condition. Either due to war, lack of opportunity, natural disaster, or other circumstance beyond the control of the traveler, humans have sought asylum in the compassion of others since the beginning of our species. And since the beginning, we have been cruel to them.

As we watch the events unfold in Mexico where over 7,000 refugees make their way to the U.S. border, we must be presented with these thoughts. And so I ask, where is your humanity? As a man, as an American man, how do you demonstrate your strength? How do you demonstrate your humanity? As someone who heeds the call of Jesus, Moses, Emma Lazarus, Shakespeare and thousands of other humanitarians, and seeks to provide safe haven for the refugees? Even if only by contacting your government and demanding they be presented with humane treatment?

Or do you act with cowardice? With a fear of people whose only desire is to survive? This is not the behavior of a thoughtful, mature, or decent man. The purpose of a life well-lived is to reduce human suffering. Maybe you do this by providing insurance to those who need it, entertainment as enrichment, or roads and housing. There are millions of ways to help reduce human suffering, but rejecting the plight of the stranger is not one of them.

PURPOSE: If you seek to reject refugees, their family cohesion, and their right to dignity, the cost is more than their lives. The cost is your soul. And you must, at some point, realize your soul is the currency with which you transact on a daily basis. And you may not believe in a soul - I'm not even sure I do - but you must believe in the inherent worth and dignity of others, if for no reason than you need that same treatment from them to survive. The dignity of your soul demands the dignity of others'.

As Sir Thomas More points out in The Strangers' Case:

"For other ruffians, as their fancies wrought, With self same hand, self reasons, and self right, Would shark on you, and men like ravenous fishes Would feed on one another..."

And it all seems far off when authoritarian forces attack those with whom you are unfamiliar. Surely, you've heard the Trump Administration plans to essentially remove trans persons from existence. "But I'm not trans, and I don't believe in that anyway, so what does it matter?" If that is your belief, then I ask, when is it too late to speak out against hate? I'll leave you with this quote by Martin Niemöller:

"First they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a socialist.

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out— because I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me."

[21stcenturymen]

Tolerance of Intolerance

RATING: Mature

It’s time for a thought experiment. If you had a time machine and could go back and physically stop Hitler, or Columbus, or Pol Pot (together responsible for the deaths of untold millions of human lives) would you do so before they committed their crimes, or after? It sounds like an absurd question, but one that a surprising number of folks seem to be choosing the latter on. And I don't mean fascists or Nazis. I mean liberals.

Since the infamous election of a certain American president, fascists have been returning to the streets to express their "right to free speech" in increasing numbers. Or, they were increasing for a time, but have petered out recently. Merely a couple dozen such folks showed up for a "rally" in Washington D.C. in early August compared with hundreds of counter-protesters.

These guys felt an "atmosphere of intimidation," as rightly they should. It needs to be made very clear that these men are not exercising free speech. Free speech - as defined by any civilized society - must exclude hate speech that promotes genocide. And that's precisely what these people are doing. Whether it's the white supremacists like Richard Spencer who believe the white race is being annihilated and that the only solution is to kill or enslave those who aren't white, or Brother Dean who believes women should be raped.

Dean took a metal baseball bat upside the head for his efforts.

This is not someone standing outside an abortion clinic and saying they differ on the definition of when life begins. That's speech, however much pro-choice advocates may disagree with it, it's speech centered around operational definitions, and may be permitted. It is, of course, ludicrous to think a living, breathing woman's rights to her own body are subservient to the rights of an unborn being within her friggin' body as defined by people who aren’t her, but that's a discussion for another time.

Here’s Richard. See Richard take an elbow to the face.

To the point. Richard Spencer, Brother Dean, and a few others of these racist, misogynist individuals have been publicly assaulted, and with great success. Whiny white supremacists don't complain about an "atmosphere of intimidation" created by counter-protesters because they don't like mean words. They complain about it because they fear getting their skull pounded in. And they should, because they're engaging in what's called stochastic terrorism - the incitement of violence against a person or group. A demonstration of how hate speech becomes action is the administration of Woodrow Wilson. Wilson was (at the time, though we've conveniently forgotten) a well-known white supremacist, and his hateful anti-immigrant, anti-black speech caused an uptick in violence against marginalized groups. Similarly, we see these white supremacist groups having a resurgence not just online, but out on the streets since the election of Donald Trump. Violent speech begets violent acts.

And while Trump's language has certainly dog whistled to white supremacists, he hasn't come right out and said that black people, Jews, or women deserve to be annihilated or raped like Spencer and the others have. The language they are engaging in brings up the issue of tolerance. At what point are we so tolerant of opposing view points that tolerance loses all meaning? Genocide, subjugation, and intolerance of others' rights to exist in peace. That's the line.

This dude crossed that line, and is already unconscious in this image as a result.

If you are tolerant of hate speech and proposed genocide, then you are complicit in it when it happens. In the words of Desmond Tutu, "If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor." This kind of hate speech is injustice, and by tolerating it, you will have chosen the side of the speaker themselves, not the side of "free speech."

Which brings us back to how these haters have been handled. Do I suggest that you go out and punch everyone who espouses these hateful beliefs? Well, no, if for no other reason than you can do damage to yourself. Assault is a crime, and even if you get away with it, there's a possibility you'll break your wrist, like this guy very well may have:

That wrist angle is very unhealthy. Try this instead.

But to say that violence isn't an acceptable action against hate speech is also too simplistic. None of these men were killed, and the demonstration of violence as a consequence for hate speech is working. Instead of a bunch of loudmouth, angry, tiki torch-wielding guys in khakis, the August 2018 demonstration in D.C. was peopled by a handful of cowards who whined about feeling intimidated afterward.

I want to stop short of encouraging people to commit violence. If it can be avoided and you can speak sense to someone, I recommend you do that. Always. But I also want you to understand that a society has a right to defend itself from a cancer of violent ideologies. After all, if we do get that coveted time machine, we would never even consider stopping Hitler after he'd attempted to take over the world and murdered millions of souls based on his racist, misogynist views. We'd stop him before. These men are espousing their hate now. That's a known factor. What they do next week may be out of our hands. These men should feel scared. And if a few of them getting punched or walloped upside the head accomplishes that, I won't cry in my beer for them.

[21stcenturymen]

Suicide

RATING: Everyone

In looking back over the first year of A Man's Guide, I realize suicide has never been discussed directly. That said, I believe the entire blog deals with issues that relate.

Anthony Bourdain took his own life this morning in a hotel in France. He was 61. Robin Williams took his own life at age 63. Chris Cornell committed suicide at age 52. These were not young, hormonally troubled men. These were established, self-determining, thoughtful, grown men. Suicide in general has increased in the US over the past twenty years, but men are three and a half times more likely to die from a suicide attempt. Half of suicides in the United States are committed with guns, and of those, almost exclusively by men.

There's nothing I can say about suicide or depression that someone else hasn't stated more expertly, so instead I'll talk about toxic masculinity and its role in US suicides.

For starters, we're afraid to seek help. And I do mean afraid, not too strong. Our culture of toxic masculinity tells us that men must be strong to be men. That if we seek help for depression we're weak. And for as long as we allow a toxic society to tell us how we're supposed to handle our flaws, we'll continue not to handle them at all. And these three men all sought help for depression at some point or other. Maybe not enough, and maybe they didn't get the help they needed, but these were strong men who often epitomized our ideals of masculinity. And fellas, if they couldn't handle it without help, then you must --MUST-- understand that it's okay for you to admit the same, and seek help as well.

There's no shame in speaking to a therapist. You're not weak for talking to someone. Maybe you even have depression exacerbated by a chemical imbalance that can be treated. Imagine if you decided to suffer through the pain of depression because someone told you to "tough it out" instead of getting help, getting life-saving medication, and starting to enjoy life!

Does it always work? Of course not. Humans are imperfect. Our solutions are imperfect. But to deny help at all because of this mythic John Wayne notion of masculinity - where we bootstrap ourselves out of healthy emotional expression - is to deny our own humanity, our sense of worth, and our sense of belonging.

As I think about the topics we've discussed here, I can tie almost all of them back to a few basic concepts: lack of self worth, a false sense of entitlement, and perceived notions of rightness.

Toxic masculine culture tells us men must look, act, and feel a certain way. We then feel entitled to the rewards of those things, and when the mirror doesn't show us these successes, we internalize a powerful lack of self worth. These manifest in things like street harassment (the idea that a woman walking down the street owes us something), driving like macho idiots (the idea that we must compensate for one failing by acting out in another), talking down to and/or abusing our partners (the idea that another person is responsible for making us whole), and so on.

Our failings as "MEN" manifest in failings as humans. If we want to see a decrease in male suicides, we have to stop placing our lack of self worth on everyone who's not a cis, straight male, and start recognizing it comes from unrealistic, fabricated expectations. And it doesn't matter who started those expectations, it is incumbent upon us to dismantle them.

Bourdain, Williams, and Cornell were not victims of toxic masculinity because they were toxic men. By most accounts, they were flawed, but striving men. They were victims of toxic masculinity because our society didn't allow them to comfortably seek or receive the help they needed. And perhaps, in these three cases, there was some chemical imbalance that no amount of therapy or presently-available medication could have solved, but most of us knew fairly little about their struggles in comparison to others much more comfortable expressing their struggles. Imagine Dragons lead singer Dan Reynolds, for example, frequently talks about his struggles with depression and acts to help dismantle stigmatization of mental health.

And, to be completely open, I struggle with it myself. Prior to age 11, I had already attempted to take my own life three times. In my thirties, I had a breakdown and was very close to attempting it again. When I realized what was happening, I sat up and said, "This is bad. I need help." I was fortunate enough to have health insurance that covered a highly qualified therapist right down the street from me. So I went. I've made progress, but for many of us, these things don't 100% go away. Every day, when I experience something that makes me feel inadequate, a voice in the back of my head says, "BE A MAN! SUCK IT UP!" My therapy taught me to follow that up with, "I am worthy of love."

That thought alone got me through a horrible break-up a few years ago, and I repeat it to myself every chance I get. But a therapist taught me that. Not the Red Pill or some other hateful MRA site. I've survived because of the love and compassion in my life, not by seeking others to blame for my lot.

PURPOSE: You are not alone. We all struggle with feelings of inadequacy and with not belonging. Taking responsibility for that doesn't mean sucking it up and holding it in. Taking responsibility means getting the help we need to mitigate and, if possible, eliminate those feelings of worthlessness.Those are big goals, but if we're MEN who think we can handle it all ourselves, then we're certainly man enough to lighten the load by sharing our fears with others.

If you are struggling with these feelings, that is okay. You are human. You are good. You are worthy of love. Seek help not because you're "weak," but because you are strong enough to know you might need it.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255

[21stcenturymen]

Sexual Assault Grooming

RATING: Teen, with trigger warning

Please note that although this is a shorter post, it still contains some content that folks will find difficult or triggering, but I think parents in particular will benefit.

A new family film called "Show Dogs" contains a scene wherein the anthropomorphic pooch is told to find his "Zen place" to cope with being sexually assaulted as part of his infiltration of a dog show.

Yes, I realize dogs don't talk, but when you give a character a voice and agency, you also don the mantle of acknowledging that character's right to that agency. Children watch children's films and whether they're aware the animal in question is sentient or not, the film is modeling acceptable behavior. In this case, sexual assault grooming.

Sexual predators groom their victims - in part - by teaching them from any early age that assault is normal, which is precisely what happens to our canine hero in Show Dogs.

PURPOSE: In short, I'd ask that you not take your kids to this film. Or, at the very least, have a discussion with them about how that behavior is actually wrong. Though, I'd prefer you avoid it altogether.

[21stcenturymen]

Anniversary Post

RATING: Everyone

A year ago I started this blog with a very specific intent: addressing the destructive and corrosive behaviors commonly exhibited by men. “Particularly cisgendered white men. Because, I grew up one. I’ve been an exceedingly privileged individual for going on [40] years and I am responsible for making my world a better place by - as Caroline Heldman, Ph.D. says - ‘…using [my] position of privilege strategically to speak out.’”

There’s no real way to quantify the effects of speaking out, though. I’ve had readers tell me they love the content. They share it with friends - particularly men - who then read it and… I generally don’t hear from them. Of all the projects I’ve undertaken, this one seems the quietest. I’ve had a few men show up to inform me of how un-informed I am, or that this is garbage, or that I’m racist against white men, or that I need to consider the plight of MGTOWs or incels, but mostly… nothing.

Obviously, some of this boils down to money. 6 years ago when I wrote Gaymerica, I could spend $10 on Facebook and pick up 100 followers. Over the past year, I’ve spent 10 times that and picked up fewer. Facebook's costs and algorithms for generating followers have changed. Without spending a significant amount of money, it’s hard to get the blog in front of people. A lack of exposure guarantees a lack of interaction.

It may also be the content. I realize it’s not flashy or inciting or explosively titled (a la Upworthy) and that’s by design. This blog isn’t about clickbait. It’s about providing concrete, individual solutions to firmly-entrenched cultural problems. The global is local, and if we seek to change ourselves, that change will be represented in the world at large. It just takes time. Relying on clickbait or parlor tricks to gain followers doesn’t help drive that change. Or maybe it does. I'm very much not an expert on promotion.

But I also wasn’t aggressive with promotion because I wanted the content to be vetted. I wanted smaller numbers of people to read it and provide feedback. Because that’s how we grow and change. I can’t ask other people to change how they view the world or act in it if I don’t demonstrate that behavior myself. And it would have been difficult to focus on the changes the blog needed if I was spending all my time dealing with trolls, interlopers, and bad actors instead of listening to a smaller number of more thoughtful readers.

There are now over 50 posts on the topic of toxic masculinity in this blog. All of them with ways men can identify their privilege and seek to dismantle it. That took a year to create and a substantial portion of my life in the process. Never once did someone say, “This is a waste of time.” Even the people who disagreed with the content managed to take enough time to read it. This is good! It means we’re going in the right direction. It doesn’t always strike the right chord, and it doesn’t always fairly cover the subjects or groups it seeks to address, but as a work-in-progress, it’s definitely on its way.

Next week, I’ll post a listing of all the subjects covered in year one. You can use this in your interactions with people you think need it. Or just to keep for yourself. Year two will be a bit different. I’ll try to continue covering new subjects, but I’ll also take time to go more in-depth on existing topics. However, it won’t come as frequently. The writing process is exceedingly time-consuming, and the next phase of the project won’t allow this continued output. “So what’s the next phase?”

The next phase is, I’m writing a book! So in the reduction of original content from me, I’ll look to you for insights. I’ll post articles or incidents and solicit feedback about how these events help fuel toxic masculinity. Your participation has been, and will continue to be crucial in the development of a more well-rounded man’s guide.

[21stcenturymen]

About Those Activists

RATING: Teen

I frequently see men, particularly conservative-thinking men, tear down activists and liberals just for being activists or “SJWs.” So it would make sense that in reading this blog, someone might think, “There’s another SJW trying to change how everyone behaves!” Over the past year, there have been a number of concerns or topics brought up that I want to address:

1. "Scot hates white men." Well, I am a white man. So, it would either be super self-loathing (an MRA's pet descriptor of any man who toes a "feminist" line) or really weird for me to hate white men. Fortunately, neither is true. I was raised by a white man, work with predominantly white men, and comprise a not insignificant portion of my friends group of white men. They're mostly decent humans and I certainly don't hate them. Wanting better for someone doesn't mean you hate them.

2. "You want everyone to be a feminist!" I mean, sure? But people's definition of "feminism" varies depending on their perspective. The generally-accepted academic definition of feminism is that it's the effort for equality of women and men. A hyper-masculine society is dangerous for the emotional and physical health of everyone, though women and gender non-conforming folks bear the brunt of the abuse such a society brings with it. So, use the word, don't use the word... I don't care what you call yourself. Are you treating people with decency and respect, and are you listening when you should be listening? Groovy! That's enough for me.

3. "You just want everyone to be an activist!" Actually, this one is straight-up wrong. I don't. And I want to take a second to talk about liberal "activists."

Everyone contributes in their own way and activism isn't that way for a lot of people. At times, it really sucks. It's a constantly moving target of nitpicking, redirection, and wordplay. "Well, actually..." frequently gets pegged as a phrase used by mansplainers, but if I had a nickel for every time I heard or saw a fellow liberal used that phrase or one of its analogs, I'd have a more robust 401k. And you've probably seen it happen, too. One person tries to make an observation or complaint about something, and a dozen people pile on to say, "That's discriminatory towards ____" or "The way I see it is ____" whether the OP had asked for those opinions or not. It's exhausting. Or, you share your thoughts to someone's original post, and they tear you down for not having mind-read what their personal experience was, even though they left it open to interpretation to begin with. Liberals are kind of horrible to each other at times. Some of them expect people to be perfect, not realizing other people’s individuality and personal experience might cause them to be knowledgable on some things but lacking in others. "They did one ignorant thing! All of their advocacy is a sham!" or, “Oh no! A person who demonstrated ignorance in one thing is a complex, ever-evolving human? Whatever shall we do but block and report that heathen?!”

There is no one right brand of activism. Everyone has things that resonate with them. My particular brand of activism is the emotional health of men and boys. Plenty of liberal activists think this is a waste of time - men just need to do better. But you and I know that can't happen without spending some time on how. So that's where I'm at and what I'm choosing to put my effort into. It doesn't make someone else's activism wrong or misguided, it just means we may have different energies and priorities. And that's fine, because what they do is crucial, too.

PURPOSE: I won't give advice for other activists, but I do have a recommendation for you: ignore them. Acknowledge that the world is screwed up and please listen to their message, but when they start telling you how bad a person you are because you don't share their priorities, decouple the message from the person. Their message is no less valid just because they're rude about how they convey it. Activists don’t block the construction of oil pipelines because they don’t want you to have heating oil or because they want to attack you, personally. Activists don’t block freeways because they want you, personally, to be late to your next appointment. Activists don’t plug up the halls of state legislatures because they want to annoy you, personally. They want to inform, to educate, and to make you aware of the issues that not only affect them, but you. The same as you believe the military may be doing work to protect everyone from foreign threats, these activists believe they are doing work to protect you from toxic drinking water, fascist security forces, and legislation designed to take people’s rights away.

Are activists difficult to communicate with at times? Absolutely. Because they’re human. All humans have moments when they’re difficult. But if all we see in other humans is the ways in which they’re difficult, then we’ve rejected their humanity, and that doesn’t dehumanize them. It dehumanizes you. The same way some of those activists dehumanize themselves when they reduce you to a one-note comment on an internet message board. Find your voice, and realize that other people are striving to find theirs. It’s a lot healthier to assume the best out of people than to constantly assume the worst.

Next Up: Anniversary Recap

[21stcenturymen]

You Are Not a Nice Guy

RATING: Teen

No, you are not a "nice guy." Or a "good guy." I mean, neither am I, so I want to make that clear. This week, we're going to discuss the myth of the “nice guy.”

Men believing themselves entitled to attention from women and dubbing themselves Nice Guys™ is so culturally pervasive that it has its own page on Geek Feminism Wiki, Urban Dictionary, Wikipedia, and numerous other aggregate and news sites. In other words, it's not a unique phenomenon or invention by your neighbor's very pleasant but girlfriend-less son. Lots of guys think they're entitled to female attention based on some mythical metric of niceness.

*I’m going to come back to this abomination.

First of all, there's the belief that nice guys finish last. I'd like to point out that this comment was actually coined by a baseball coach to describe a next-to-last last place team. It was not intended to describe how bad guys always "get the girl." That usage came later. But fine, let's say that women do, in some way (though nothing that's ever been provably demonstrated) prefer the Bad Boy® over the Nice Guy™. What do we expect beating them over the head with "I'M A NICE GUY" to accomplish? Seriously, what does the second half of that interaction look like in your imagination?

"Oh, you're a nice guy?! Well shit! Sign me up!" said no one never.

And how does telling women, "You're idiots for not dating nice guys!" demonstrate you're a nice guy? I hate to break it to you, but a nice guy wouldn't say that. But fine, let's say there are Bad Boys® and Nice Guys™.

If you know women prefer Bad Boy® types, I can't imagine why you insist on them relaxing that standard to date a nice guy. You claim not to live by other people’s standards; why should women pre-cognitively live by yours? So then, that means you have to find the specific women who don’t want Bad Boys® which means you must learn to predict which women prefer which type of guy. Seeing as how that’s not really possible, that leaves you with the alternative of becoming a Bad Boy®. But, of course, that’s ridiculous. By becoming Bad Boys® we relinquish the cudgel with which we can judge women for being interested in literally anyone else but us. As nice guys, we want sex from women just for being nice, the right to judge them for withholding that from us specifically and as a Nice Guy™ monolith, and the authority to maintain competing standards of what other people are allowed to find attractive.

Real Talk: I don’t want you to be or not be anything. Rather, I want you to focus on one thing: you're not a Nice Guy™. You don't have to adopt a Bad Boy® persona. Just admit you aren't a Nice Guy™ to begin with. Because, let's face it, anyone who has to announce how good they are at something is really just profoundly insecure about how good they are at it.

As the saying goes, “Real ganstas don't flex nuts, 'cause real gangstas know they got 'em..." except that's not the real phrase, and you probably sing the real phrase, sans editing, in your car with the windows up when you know there are only other white folks around. Does that sound like something a truly "nice" guy would do?

PURPOSE: Being a Nice Guy™ or expecting women to prefer Nice Guys™ is a false expectation a century of bullshit pop culture has indoctrinated us with, but it's not real. You being a Nice Guy™ means you're attempting to live up to someone else's expectations or standards; to fit yourself into a mold you didn't create, and that Nice Guy™ mold isn't you. It isn't anyone, really. Sure, it's Cameron Fry, Ronald Miller, and a host of other “nice” qualities squeezed into sexless Hollywood white guy characters, but it's not a real person. There’s no mask you can put on to make women like you, and you certainly should never judge women for failing to swoon at such a mask anyway. Because, even if it works, they’re falling in love with something that isn’t really you.

If you’re trying to date someone who doesn’t like you for who you are, thank her for her time and move on. You shouldn’t be with that person in the first place. She’s not wrong for not liking you, just like you weren’t wrong for being you. That one woman doesn’t speak for all women and it’s a waste of your own energy and time to blame all women for the fact that one person was just interested in other things.

Your loneliness isn't unique. Happily-coupled people can be crushingly lonely, too. Loneliness and being alone aren't the same thing, and it's important to decouple your expectations of personal time from your expectations of contentment. If you just want to be coupled, then niceness is irrelevant. If you want to be content, then you must give up on someone else's standards of what you should be or what other people want, and accept that you create your own niceness and compassion for your prospective partner. They won't be impressed by how well you fit an arbitrary set of expectations (holds the door for her, beats up bad guys, mansplains board game rules... etc.) but rather by how well you communicate your intentions and listen to theirs.

Don't try to be a nice guy. Nice Guys™ suck because they're too hung up on proving they're "nice." Just prove you're honest. Prove you actually want to hear what other people have to say. Everything else is posing.

Next Up: About Those Activists...

*"Give the good guys a chance to help you be less afraid of the world" That image made the rounds last year and again this year, and is probably the quintessential example of Nice Guy™ apologia. Essentially, the entire missive boils down to, “Bad boys don’t care what happens to you, but nice guys do as long as we get to decide what it is and when.” Whoever wrote that is an Asshole®.