Seasons change, so do I. Schizospec, chronic illness, memes, etc. Read my bio :) Ask Box is always open.
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
Text
damn they werenāt lying that mental health medication CAN make the heat even more unbearable
7K notes
Ā·
View notes
Photo
jackalope requested by Rozalyn on my patreon
[Drawing of a green jackalope with brown antlers sayingĀ āItās okay if the years people told you would be the best of your life turned out not to be. There will be better years.ā in a pink speech bubble against a green background.]
2K notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
over the weekend I walked out of the house doing not so good and my mom told my grandpa and he went driving around looking for me
I came home later everything turned out fine, but now it's all have you been taking your meds? do you need them changed again?
once again my mom told me "I was afraid you'd do something crazy"
I'm so sick of having to deal with this. I'm the one who has to live in my head and still have to feel bad about it and feel like a problem and a burden and have people treat me like I'm crazy. They want to help I know. They love me I know. I can't expect too much of them they're only human living in a world where stigma is so strong.
8 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text

1 note
Ā·
View note
Text
alternating between good days and bad days to good days and bad weeks like what the heck when I'm trying to put together a life here
1 note
Ā·
View note
Text
My š§ is so broken why is it š
2 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
i think unfortunately deep down part of me is still the little girl who wouldn't stop to tie her shoes because the people she was walking with wouldn't bother to wait for her
269 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
32K notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
2015? that wasnt even that long ago. it was only... [doing the math] ohhh. ohhh..... oh dear...
22K notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
guys. i really like you. it's nice to be on this dashboard together
18K notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
Oh yeah, I know them, we grew up together on tumblr.com
32K notes
Ā·
View notes
Note
thank you for your reply! hope youāre feeling a little better now, I went back to bed and just woke up again ahaha
one thing I did want to say is while I get it and Iāve said so Iāve actually made a lot of progress when it comes to accommodating myself and what used to be almost daily occurrences are more like isolated events every week or so (like when my train connection is cancelled and misses my bus the other day). Iāve definitely got a lot of other things that I do struggle with in terms of mood and anxiety and maladaptive habits but these days when I think about thatāI donāt really see it controlling my life. just a thing that happens from time to time when I get too overwhelmed, so idk, in some ways feels wrong to say Iām struggling with it, when for sure I do sometimes but for the most part itās manageable and problem solving my life to make that more and more the case is really hard and requires a lot of creativity and making use of everything I can get that even slightly helps but itās not impossible. which isnāt something I can speak for your situation but I did mention it because please donāt feel hopeless for me if you get what I mean? I feel like Iām wording this badly but I guess for me, sometimes both of these things can be true like I have these thoughts I relate to a lot and get frustrated and break things and hurt myself and then I get up and take the next step to getting my needs met and creating a life where my brain has enough rest and enough creative, active etc outlets that Iām able to process and acknowledge what Iām feeling in the moment a little more, where I can sit with the grief when it strips me of energy and acknowledge and make use of the creativity and ideas and passion of the manic phases without feeding the sleep deprivation, where I can remind myself the erratic days donāt last forever and find resolution for the things I want to fix that I canāt control, being aware of whether what Iām doing is working or making it worse a bit more. where I have friends who can witness these things and not judge. really sorry for the long rantāI hope you get these things too and can work towards it at least, whatever version sounds like itād make things a bit easier for you.
anyway something I was reminded of I wanted to ask you if you knew about was the concept of a āthreshold of toleranceā and nervous system activation? I know these are often used in conversations around autism and ptsd (and especially the pda profile of autism which is closely linked with c-ptsd). I really donāt wanna make assumptions since you know your brain better than I doābut when thereās one thing thatās just too much for me on top of everything else, the phone call you mentioned reminded me of that. Iām a PDAer so itās that extra demand on top of all those other things that activate my nervous system (demands and loss of autonomy and lack of novelty, connection and societal balance, but also concerns about the world I turn into demands since I like to try to fix everything, and my own racing thoughts and ideas can fall into this, as can frustrations and just the feeling that Iām not useful where I am) that activates my nervous system past that threshold of tolerance thatāll lead to a meltdown. over time Iāve learned to slow it down and identify everything I feel in the midst of it and knowing Iāve got to build myself a life with less demands, more novelty and more connection on top of managing other mental health things I experience and their impact on relationships isnāt easy but I wouldnāt ever trade knowing I need to do that even if I never fully get there and even if every strategy Iāve seen to do so is for children who have parents who are able to support themāand Iām an adult who doesnāt have any of that support system and Iāve had to grieve that my parents, as much I love them and we have a good relationship now Iāve let go of that expectation, will never be able to be that for me. It takes creativity for sure.
the last thing I want to do is armchair diagnose you with pda autism but I did want to invite you, if youād like, to brainstorm what a low demand life or one that prioritises novelty and connection especially with the intersection of bipolar looks like. One of my favourite educators around this takes a really scientific approach of ātry it and collect the evidence of whether itās helpingā in terms of the accommodations that are typically associated with the PDA profile. and Iām not saying this might help you, I have no idea, but I guess I want to reach out in connection saying āI relate a lot to the story youāre telling because of this aspect of my brain do you want to hear more about itā (and if youād like, your parents too if you at any point did want to float any ideas with them, again your call and Iām not sure what exactly your relationship is like in terms of this especially right now!) but one thing thatās given me a lot of optimism is hearing stories of kids who are a lot like me and the way that they can while still struggling and often needing a lot of support their whole lives, are still able to thrive due to that understanding. I hope I can be that for you even just a little bit, and I hope you get to rest and relax your nervous system even just a little coming down from it.
also, Iāve said a lot and if any of it is presuming anything or feels invalidating, Iām really sorry and let me know what! otherwise more than happy for you to post this publicly so we both have access to it if youād like, your call!
Thanks for taking the time to type all of that out. I hope it was ok that I answered your first ask privately, I'll post this one publicly. I tried my best to process what you said and I definitely relate to the idea of having a threshold or tolerance. I've described it as my nervous system being on fire when I feel overloaded like that, so it makes sense.
Building a life with less demands is something I'm working on. I have a tendency to dismiss the load on me (or that I put on myself) but not working and not to moving out are big ways my load is minimized. There's probably a balance between too many demands and a completely empty/avoidant life that I'm trying to figure out. I need to learn what my threshold is but more importantly I need to learn how to recognize when I've hit my limit and what to do *before* things get out of control. I can see it happening but like a speeding train I just can't slow down fast enough.
Thanks again for taking the time to talk
0 notes