222-h4unting

[222-h4unting]

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[222-h4unting]

[222-h4unting]

[222-h4unting]

#2

Im trying to remember who you are but i cant. I don’t recognise you anymore. You’re merely a fraction of who you were. It hurts because i can’t disassociate you from all this care but i can’t comfortably believe that you’re a kind person either. You’re just as good at making me feel heard as you are at making me feel so small. I want to be there for you because i know you need me right now, i really do, but being around you these days feels like im deliberately putting myself in danger. I’ve never liked anyone this much before and it scares me because i know there’s nothing i can do to make myself feel better. I know you’re selfish, i know you don’t care enough and I don’t know if you ever will. I’m not willing to be patient. I can’t wait around for you, it’s killing me. You never want me to leave completely but all you do is push me away. Every time im near you it feels like im losing autonomy of myself. I don’t want to feel like im chasing you, i don’t want to be put in a cage. I don’t want lose any more of my self trying to replicate the way you made me feel. I’ve devoted this past year to healing, i felt severed, i had no other choice but to learn to be by-myself. It was gut wrenching. Most of the time I didn’t really know if it was worth it or not, i didn’t know if i was worth it. I was tired of fighting for myself but i did it, somehow in the pit of fucking hopelessness i did it. I came out even stronger, i came out kinder, more patient. Everything was starting to feel okay again, I started to recognise myself and as if pre-planned and strategically conceived, the universe abruptly presented me with another challenge. You. I wasn’t afraid to be hurt, i was afraid of you. I was afraid of the consequences of my actions, i was afraid of hating myself again after all the inner peace I’d developed. I knew how i would feel after this was all over. I knew I would come out of it left with that same severed feeling in my stomach. But as I mentioned earlier, as if pre-planned by the universe itself, i knew I couldn’t ignore you. I don’t regret letting you in. I don’t regret letting you kiss me or hold me. I felt safe, really really safe. And similarly to how you wrapped me in your arms i wrapped myself in your words. I invited your love in because i knew I couldn’t refrain mine and I don’t regret it for a second. I’ve spent hours, weeks trying to recollect those feelings, trying to feel safe again, trying to feel warm again, trying to remember those butterflies, trying to remember you. I know i’m hurt but i’m a different person now. I more whole now and i’m not going to let you pull me apart. I invited you into my space, I invited you into the most vulnerable parts of my heart and i let you peer into the most sensitive parts of my soul. I invited you into those places because while my rational mind fought with every fibre in my being, my heart felt you were familiar. You weren’t a foreign entity threatening attack, you were kindness and comfort and safety. I’ve never needed you to fix me or save me but the way i felt resting on your shoulder was too comfortable to resist. And while i dont regret any of it I’m exactly where I thought i would end up. Hurt and alone, a fucking afterthought. But i’ve been alone before, i’ve been here before in a capacity that felt much worse than this. I know i can pick myself up again, i know that i don’t need you, i never have. I’m not drowning. I’m refusing to let you suffocate me this time. I’ve let you have autonomy over me for too long. I’m not thirteen anymore i don’t need you to make me feel secure. I’d be lying if I didn’t say i wanted to be with you, i do, all the time. I think about you a-lot and i miss you all the time. Other boys are dull in comparison to you. But i know that if we’re ever meant to be together its not now. And while i’ve lost all sense of who you actually are, my soul still recognises you. I’m sad now but i’ll be okay. It hurts now but maybe one day you’ll understand me again. I hope you understand yourself again one day too, because i know that now i do.

[222-h4unting]

[222-h4unting]

[222-h4unting]

[222-h4unting]

[222-h4unting]

[222-h4unting]

[222-h4unting]

[222-h4unting]

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[222-h4unting]

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