500days-of-autumn

[500days-of-autumn]

11:22 pm, 21st of dec ‘24

Years have already passed since my first blog post. It’s crazy how fast time has flown, and yet, I can still remember the exact moment I decided to start this account — with the help of a friend I’ve never even met in real life (missing her extra today!). And here I am, still writing, still reflecting, still moving forward.

It's odd to think how something as simple as starting a blog could turn into a marker of time in itself.

I also just finished watching Lovely Runner, a series centered around the idea of time and the beauty that lies within it. It made me realize how our actions revolve around the idea of making the most out of everything because we’ve been told to believe that, although time is infinite in itself, our time isn’t.

We often label ourselves as productive or lazy based on a simple measure: what time we wake up. A productive day is one where we get up early, check everything off our to-do list, and squeeze in as much as possible. If we sleep in until 11 AM, we feel like we’ve somehow failed. We pack our days so full, as if time is a resource to be hoarded, used up efficiently. Even in pop culture, movies often revolve around the idea of having limited time, with the protagonist making extra efforts to stop it from running out.

The idea of time as something fleeting and irreplaceable does feel like a heavy weight at times, urging us to rush through life, as if we’re running out of it. Time has always been associated with the idea of beginnings and endings. We measure our lives in moments: the start of a race, the sound of an alarm clock, the countdown before a big event. We record time, marking its passage with every new second. Even this post of mine is tethered to a moment in time — it’s a record, a snapshot of where I am right now, in this fleeting instant.

Minutes ago, I found myself reading old letters for me from people who were once, and still are, part of my life. I admit that it made me tear up, reading how they saw me six years ago, and how, even now, I still relate to their words. Most of them are people I’m not close with anymore, and some have been completely cut off from my life. In fact, I can count the number of people remaining in my life on my own hands.

Just thinking about it now, I don’t think that the 16-year-old me would have ever imagined how much I would value those letters post-teenage years. I don’t think she even thought about how grave the changes in her life would be, or how time would fly so fast that she wouldn’t even realize the changes until she stumbled upon these half-decade-old letters to remind her of how quickly time went by.

One common theme that stood out in the letters was how many of my friends didn’t expect to be close to me, just like the people I’m with now. They expressed their love for me, often saying how selfless I was — that I put others first, even at the expense of myself. Maybe it’s just who I am, a people-pleaser who always does more than what’s expected. But reading these words now, I can’t ignore how much I've become aware of this pattern.

I see it, I feel it, but that awareness hasn’t led me to take action. It feels like I’m stuck in a loop of self-awareness that doesn’t quite translate into change.

Sometimes, being aware doesn’t equate with wanting to do anything about it.

For some reason, I thought: Have I always been like this ever since?

I’m trying to work on it, though. It’s a strange realization to be reading these words at a point in my life where I am consciously distancing myself from others, wanting to prioritize myself now. It’s like the very things I was praised for back then — my selflessness, my ability to care — have now become the things I need to work on changing.

The irony isn’t lost on me: I’ve gone from being the person who gave everything to everyone else to someone who is now actively pulling away, trying to find balance. And it feels a little crazy to think about how much I’ve shifted.

What’s even more jarring is how much comfort I found in those letters, though they come from people who no longer walk through my life. If someone were to ask me how I feel now, I’d say I feel self-pity. The person they admired back then, the one they believed in, is now stuck in a place where she doesn’t feel the same way about herself.

I find it ironic that I’m holding on to words from people who aren’t even part of my life anymore, but it’s as if I’m grasping at any remnants of validation I can find. My avoidance of others has left me with no one to talk to, and I feel the weight of that loneliness.

And I find it crazy that those letters are evidence that, although changes happened around me, they still didn’t happen within me. Everything changed, but I didn’t.

Maybe that’s the deeper truth we tend to ignore: in the end, time is an invisible force that will pass, no matter how hard we try to hold onto it. The real beauty lies in accepting that it’s fleeting, embracing the uncertainty, and allowing ourselves to experience those moments fully — not just trying to make them “worth it,” but letting them shape us in ways we don’t always expect.

[500days-of-autumn]

Do these look like he was looking at me? I can't tell. Anyway he's real guys; this isn't a drill!!!

[500days-of-autumn]

Before Sunrise (1995)

Was feeling quite sentimental and I just had to draw this scene that was embedded in my mind for some time now. Before trilogy was really something.

— also @.jflpaints on ig

[500days-of-autumn]

5:35 pm, 22nd of apr ‘24

I’m currently seating alone inside a full-house coffee shop, listening to this Ed Sheeran song called Sunburn, and something suddenly hit me.

It’s another day of being emotional over a whole lot of nothing. Was it the meaning of the song? Was it the weird feeling of being in a coffee shop alone?

Just last night, I was having a semi-deep conversation with a dear friend of mine. It was such a peculiar feeling to have someone blurt out everything you’re scared to say to yourself. Hi, I’m a people pleaser, scared-to-commit, scared-to-disappoint, but nothing-to-prove girl.

I wonder when I started to be like this. And I tried to think if I wasn’t like this before, but no… I have always been someone who wanted to get on the good side of everybody. I wanted to be perceived as a happy-go-lucky, always optimistic person. Throughout my teenage years, I always tried to make everyone like me. Hell, all my recognitions before were partly because I wanted to prove myself to someone.

That kind of thinking and being in that zone for the past years was such a formative experience. It was like my life was centered on the idea of making myself the better one. Always be the better person, they said. And I always tried to.

But now, I’m just so tired. I don’t want to be the life of the party all the time. I don’t want to be the class clown. I’m just so tired of making a fool out of myself just for everyone to see me (this so dramatic)…

I hope someday someone sees through me.

[500days-of-autumn]

1:25 am, 14th of march '24

It's past midnight again.

I've been cramming a month-long of lectures for the finals today, and I have yet to finish these because I feel sad.

Not actually sad but... sappy.

Days ago I went to visit a counselor, hoping for something that could mend all the tiny little breaks that my mind has. I wanted an answer.

And it sounds so funny now because, why the hell am I expecting the answers to be found on another person's mind?

It feels as though I'm relying on the idea that my problems are other people. It feels as though I'm denying the fact that maybe I'm the problem.

And no, not the ‘I’m the problem’ in a bad way. More of like, ‘I need to realize that me not acknowledging that I have problems' type of problem.

All my life, I've spent almost every single day skipping through all my problems, hoping that ditching them would solve it. But it doesn't at all.

I am so over the fact that I know that I should act on this, but I can't and I don't want to.

[500days-of-autumn]

JUNKYU — through the members' eyes : treasure japan memories 2023

[500days-of-autumn]

12:12 am, 16th of feb ‘24

Maybe I’m just not fit for love. Maybe I’m just destined to grow old by myself.

[500days-of-autumn]

12:15 am, 15th of feb ‘24

Happy Valentines.

I have a crush on someone who I know I shouldn’t have feelings with. I don’t know what to do; all my friends dislike him for a reason.

I hate how I still like him despite being told not to do so :(

And the thing that makes me sadder is how I know he doesn’t even feel the same way as I do. Probably, he was just even making fun of my feelings.

I just know he’s not taking me seriously.

S.

[500days-of-autumn]

[500days-of-autumn]

x

[500days-of-autumn]

11:53 pm; 4th of jan ‘24

Happy new year! Just watched Normal People and I’m having a lot of emotions right now.

[500days-of-autumn]

12:02 am, 22nd of november ‘23

I find it funny how I always get the loneliest thoughts every time I try to do something important.

Just now, while I’m on the midst of studying for a long examination, I found myself listening to an OPM song.

If you’re gone.

Kung Wala Ka by Hale has always been one of the OPM classics I’ve known since forever.

As I played this song, I’m immediately reminded of a love I used to have. Help me, this is so silly.

I kept holding on to this love I used to have because of a lot of things. And reasons.

It was the only love that I had. I never got into a relationship that long, before and even after. I honestly thought it was everything. My end-all, be-all.

Thinking about it now, I don’t understand why I kept dwelling on things and past situations that I could never come back to.

He hasn’t thought about me since forever. My friends do think I’ve been overreacting over something that has happened ages ago. No one remembers us anymore.

But I still do.

Despite all the hurt I’ve succumbed to, I still can’t find the way out of this love. I still find it in every song, place, and every corner in my mind. Like it’s a song I’ve known forever.

I’m so tired of this song. And this love too. I hope I’ll get tired of this song, and this love too.

[500days-of-autumn]

00z 는 못말려 🐶🐯🐨

[500days-of-autumn]

Life is sometimes unfair

[500days-of-autumn]

[230907] everyone_woo Instagram Update

카메라 들고 산책

[500days-of-autumn]

i do feel like exploding too …. the more that i realize the movie’s storyline the more it hurts

who do you think they are to each other? / it took me twelve years to find my friend / he was just this kid in my head for such a long time, and I think I just missed him / you dream in a language I can’t understand / you make my life so much bigger, and I just wonder if I do the same for you / this is where I ended up. this is where I’m supposed to be / I just wanted to see you one more time / I didn’t know liking your husband would hurt this much / maybe we were a bird and the branch it decided to rest on one day / who you are is someone who leaves / to arthur, you are someone who stays / if this is already a past life, who do you think we are to each other in the next?

[500days-of-autumn]

photos by olofgrind on instagram