5h4rk1zzl3

[5h4rk1zzl3]

this is probably the stupidest question to ask but im gonna ask it and this is also my first time using hashtags bc i actually want this to be seen but....

has anyone ever actually figured out a way to get rid of stretchmarks??

like im genuinely willing to do anything. i have SO many, theyre bright red, and in the worst spots ever (like my arms and hips and stuff)

has loosing weight help w the appearance of them for some people? idrk how it works bc ive always been on the thinner side and only really had them on my bum. this was up until i "recovered from my ed" (in quotes bc rlly i just traded ana for binging) and i gained so much weight so fast and now have so many stretch marks!

im really interested in knowing everyone experience with them.

[5h4rk1zzl3]

i havent worked out in the past week and i feel like SHIT

i swear i prolly got fatter

but i was super stressed w school and doing make up work (which i still failed a class anyways honestly all tht work for nothing :/)

im starting a new diet & work out regime tomorrow.

it will consist of me eating 500 or less calories a day, and working out around 1400- 3000 calories a day.

[5h4rk1zzl3]

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

DNI if you are

-in recovery from an ED

-dont have an ED

i do not want to encourage my own unhealthy habits unto anybody. i just want a safe space to talk about them as i do not have anywhere else. i just need somewhere to get everything off my chest.

thank you

[5h4rk1zzl3]

my stretch marks are honestly the biggest discouraging thing ever.

like even if/when i DO get skinny/ get to my ugw im still gonna have them

like i try and motivate myself by being like oh imagine the clothes i can wear but then i remember even then i wont even be able to because im forever stuck w these nasty ass stretch marks :/

[5h4rk1zzl3]

i rlly just binged 1100 cals :( god fucking damn

i actually am so bad i just like forgot idek??????

holy fuck im so mad

like i ate 300 in the morning and felt so good bc i wasnt hungry AT ALL after but then later i just idk what even happened☹️☹️

soooooo fucking mad.

imma do 0 tmr to make it up. cause like i been doing less than 500 a day so if i do 0 tmr thtd like kinda balance it out yk w i mean ?

i need to just go to the store & buy alotta monster ultras & a mf scale bc im sick of this

idek what the fuck i weigh and all im j basing anything off pictures and i look so fat still :/

also this video made me cry

[5h4rk1zzl3]

wow i rlly thought i was the only one who was like this

[5h4rk1zzl3]

i need a pro-ana calorie calculator💀

like where itll like yell at u every time u add and encourage lower numbers and stuff

cause all of them dont even LET me set it to lower than 1000 cals like😦😦😦😦😦

[5h4rk1zzl3]

bruh why every day im like im only eating a super low amt or sum and i already ate tht much in the morning my mom always comes home w food later in the day???? LIKE BRUH.

i told her i alr ate my cals for the day (which she thinks is 1500 but oh well) and she was like ok its fine save it for tmr n she saved stuff which i looked up and are 1000 cals total like..... i dont wanna eat tht tmr either its too much my MAX is 500 and i ate tht much today which is already too much so tmr i need to be a little more watchful

but good news i was scrolling thru pics of myself and i found a like pic i took 2 months ago and i realized im actually thinner now than i was in tht pic.... like not ALOT thinner and still absolutely no where near my goal weight but im definitely visibly thinner which motivated me alot <3333

[5h4rk1zzl3]

have no one to fucking say any of this to so im just typing it out and posting it here even tho ik absolutely no one will see it bc i have no followers on this blog & idc to put any tags.

basically i keep eating too much and am so depressed over it which just makes me eat uncontrollably more

and like i was having a whole ass anxiety attach over the fact tht i been working out and being so tought on myself for two months and i dont even think i lost a single pound. tbh i think i just gained weight. like my pants completely fit no differently on me rn than the did two months ago they feel the complete same. and i have no fucking weight scale so i literally have nothing to go off of.

i keep not even working off the amount of calories i plan to work off annoying me even more. like today i planned on eating less than 500 and working out off 2000 cals but i just ate 1300 and only worked off 200 so far i mean i have more time to continue but i have no fucking motivation at all and am so depressed and i ran for less than half a mile on the treadmill and was already so out of breath that i switched to the elliptical. its so embarrassing.

and fucking my Spotify premium is over and the ads ARE PISSING ME OFF SO MUCH BUT I CANT FIND THE CARD FOR MY NEW BANK ACCT TO UPDATE IT

also i literally made plans with friends to hang out with them on saturday and it was going perfectly till my mom was like no i work then and will have the car. BYE WHAT THE FUCK. im so mad. literally she NEVER works at that time and she just suddenly had to this saturday???????? like hanging w them was all i wanted to do for my birthday (which is on saturday) and now not only will i not be able to hang w them on saturday but sunday im going to have to endure a terrible ass family gathering typa party tht i hate bc i dont even talk to any of them at all like why gather for MY birthday and then not even talk to me. and i dont wanna have to be forced to eat a bunch of cake and food and hella shit thrs definitely all so much calories.

like how the fuck am i gonna reach 90 by august if i act like this is literally never gonna happen. like during march i had a whole plan that led me to loose 80 lbs by august while still eating decently and at first i was stupid and thought it was working but now i realized its not at all and now i only have 2 and a half months to get to that.

which i mean i did the math and it IS possible if i just work hard. if i eat less than 500 everyday and work out for 2 hours at 20 cals/ min (on the elliptical thtd be at full resistance 2/3 speed and treadmill itd be 20 incline 5 speed) id be loosing 3500 total calories (2500 from working out and 1000 from just not eating based on my BMR) , aka a lb a day & i can loose the amount i need too loose in the time i have.

[5h4rk1zzl3]

im so angry i binged so much i ate around 1400 calories im so mad. and i say around bc honestly i was barely keeping track i just tried to write it all in after. im so disappointed in myself. i decided im gonna go work out for 3 hours to try and make up for it. i think ill do this exercise i do that looses 1200 an hour and do it for 3 hours to try and make up for the huge amount of calories i ate ://///

i feel like shit too

-my stomach feels extra big

-i somehow feel my arms just getting bigger???

-somehow i feel like my stretchmarks literally hirt like im somehow getting more or they r getting deeper or something i dont fucking know

-it literally hurts to lay down like no position is comfy at all

-i looked in the mirror and was sobbing so much

-i felt the urge to purge but didnt because i wanna remember how horrible this day was and keep it as a reminder to never binge again

-i swear im gonna wake up w new stretch marks tmr or sum idk

-i was going thru pics of my celeb crush and his gf on pinterest just sobbing because shes so pretty and skinny and perfect and like :( plus o also just feel guilty like hes a celebrity i never had a chance anyways... plus shouldnt i just be happy for him idk

-also potatoes are a new fear food :|

[5h4rk1zzl3]

its literally only 9 am and i already ate 120 calories😐 i planned on eating under 500 today but idk how ik gonna do that if i already ate this much... i have dinner w the fam later n they make me eat

[5h4rk1zzl3]

mmmm im tryna avoid binging rn and am bored and we know how tht leads to it soooooo im gonna do all 30 days in one post :)

day 1- idk the exact tbh. dont have a weigh scale at my house bc everyone else is naturally skinny but me, im gonna try and buy one soon tho.

day 2- around 5'4 ehhh im not terribly mad about it but i definitely would prefer to be taller.

day 3- a pic of my thinspiration and why:

i really like how their shoulders are boney & the skinny limbs & the slight abs omg & the collar bones AHHHH

day 4- tbhhh i have quite a few fears:

-i wont look how i wanna look at my ugw

-stretch marks wont fade enough & will still be just as bad when im skinny

-saggy skin :/ im loosing around 60 lbs so i think that might happen idk tho

-people wont even realize i lost weight??? idk i feel like ppl arent even gonna realize for some reason bc i only wear all baggy clothes anyways idk makes no sense cos u can still tell but whtever

-ppl will still view me as the fat sister.... uh idk i just always have been it and i feel like ill still be viewed as it even when im skinny

-ill gain it all back ¿¿ kinda cliche but it already happened to me and i dont wanna let it happen it time.

day 5- yeah im doing it for myself mostly but theres alotta reasons like the main one being i used to be skinny and was so much happier and more comfortable then... but theres alotta smaller reasons like maybe get more (good) attention, get praise from ppl, can wear better clothes, idk not feel so insecure

day 6- yeahhhhhhhhh uhhh i think mostly it happens when i get mad and then i cant help myself :| i gotta work on that but ive been pretty good with it for the past 2 months actually i have binged a fee times but each time i worked out enough to kinda even it out i feel like (if tht even makes sense)

day 7- yeah but they think im doing it healthily because i lie abt my cals

day 8-mostly running on a treadmill

day 9- uhmmm no not rlly besides my parents... actually yeah maybe some of my exes friends :|

day 10- time tbh... the amount of time i spend working out is insane im so behind on all my fkn school work

day 11- idk i dont rlly keep track of blogs i kinda use pinterest for thinspo mostly

day 12-alot of string beans, strawberries & tht 45 calorie toast

day 13- its been pretty healthy because i wanted to avoid going down a spiral again. (eating 1500 working out for 1.5 hours) but im seeing no results and i been doing this for 2 months and now i feel myself starting to slip. ive been eating under 500 for the past week and starting to work out for 2-4 hours a day

day 14- 95, idk i was supposed to reach it by the end of july but now i think it may take alot longer :/

day 15- no

day 16- 2 months ago i used to be pretty skinny march of 2020 and then covid happened and i gained like 40 lbs in a year and now i wanna get back down

day 17- idk?????? sometimes i think i do but no im not diagnosed, like last year i used adderall to loose weight and idk if that counts as one but i wish i could do tht again but cant get my hands on any

day 18- bagels omg. so high in cals. so yummy. like i cant afford it bc ONE is 290 cals and then i always put butter so another 80 (relatively low cal butter)

day 19- its actually been a while so i had to check the door dash app lol. but may 1st i ordered popeyes :,) mostly for my family

day 20- none. i dont diet i just count calories

day 21- idk?????? i wear xlarge hoodies & sweats everyday

day 22-i think around 120, covid and a mix of my bf breaking up wm caused me to be super depressed and i gained sm up to 170

day 23- yeah i wanna look like all the perfect ppl i see

day 24- i dont like it like idk why ppl would be pro why would u wish it upon anyone.

day 25- yeahhhhhhhhh i did before but i learned now not to because it honestly doesnt get rid of all the calories & leaves u hungrier but i did a year ago

day 26- TBHHHHH having sex again LMAOO i havent since i got fat bc im too insecure

day 27- not well :|

day 28- YES. my mom & sister both have it and i want it SO BAD. i didnt even have it a year ago when i was at my lowest weight which is so annoying

day 29- sebastian stan😍😍😍😍😍LMAOOOOOO

day 30- 10 facts ab me

1- im scared of driving a car LMAOO

2- total insomniac

3- can run a 5 min mile (at 0 incline tho)

4- read ALOT

5- obsessed w marvel

6- in love w sebastian stan :,)

7- love jetskiing

8- gonna move to nyc in a year

9- love coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

10- currently am failing 4/6 of my classes

[5h4rk1zzl3]

[5h4rk1zzl3]

im using this account just to say RANDOM stuff i think abt that i have nobody to say it to / dont wanna say it to anyone bc its gross (like ed thoughts/ sex thoughts/ dark thoughts / anger thoughts / missing school work shit idk)