9erd

[9erd]

Ironies of Life

One of the biggest ironies I can think of, is when you are rock-bottom financially and you need to get a loan from somewhere or someone and you can’t get that loan for the same reason that you don’t have any money. 

Haha! Hahaha. What a laugher.

If you think about it, why would anybody try to get a loan if they have the money? But then again, why would anybody loan money to somebody who they know can’t pay them?

Oh life. Why so ironic sometimes?

[9erd]

How deep does this go? (Blog # 1)

October 25, 2017. Wednesday. 1:58PM

What? I can’t pinpoint the exact date and time when it started, this downward spiral. But, for sure, it’s been more than three years now, and counting.

I’m still fuzzy about the details - did it start when I had to let go of my first business, or on that fateful, terrible day when I discovered about THE betrayal.

I thought hindsight is always 20:20. Not in my case, I guess. Like I said, it’s still fuzzy. And, to be honest, at this point in time I don’t know if it will clear up at all. One could hope, I guess.

Maybe I need more time for hindsight to kick in, I really don’t know. I’m not even sure if I really need that to happen, or want it even. I don’t know if it’s something important, the start of some sort of catharsis, perhaps. I don’t know enough to care, really.

But it sure does suck. DAMN. Feeling crappy at this point is the biggest understatement I can think of. At this point. I don’t even know where to begin with that.

How I’m feeling.

At this point.

Hmmmm...

“Something’s gotta give.” So cliché. But I think that’s where I’m at now. Hence, this.

Maybe writing about it would help. I’ll take anything. I’m just so tired of feeling this way. I don’t even know what “feeling this way” is. Books and articles say it might be depression. SHIT. I don’t know.

What I do know, at this point, is that I’ve been wasting my life these past several years. At this point, that’s what I know. And I hate it. I think.

Hmmmm...

Have you wished so hard for something to happen? A miracle, maybe? Anything, actually. Just not this. This nothingness. Such a waste.

This must be how it feels to be sucked inside a blackhole.

But, what to do? It really is harder if you carry the burden by yourself. But how do you share that burden if you can’t talk to anybody about it? Is that what you call ego? Maybe, I don’t know.

I’m quite sure that I have so much to give this world. Well, I think. I hate that this, whatever this is, is also eating away the little confidence that I have. Fuuuucckkk! Fuck, fuck! And I used to think that I had enough confidence to last me several lifetimes. Sheesh, there goes that thought.

Well, I’m still hanging on. There’s that. Let’s see where this goes. I hope it leads me back to my light, though.

Are you coming? I’d surely appreciate the company. I’m tired of all this loneliness BS.