a-patron-with-warlock-issues - Tumblr blog

[a-patron-with-warlock-issues]

Rant

Hey, 

I guess this is a rant I've been building up in me for some time. You don't have to read it of course. I'm sorry if you do…

I don't expect someone to respond or even read this, but I just need to get this off my chest.

I'm a 24 year old student from Poland and I'm thinking about dropping out from my third year.

There are many reasons for that but I believe that the most important one is my depression. I feel no motivation for studying, neither do I believe in myself being capable of finishing college. My poor health has already caused me to miss classes and catching up with everything tires me out even more. I also mostly hide from my family and close ones how bad my depression is. They know that last year I was attending therapy and that I stopped because I had to move to my family's home. However, they don't know that during this therapy there was barely any progress made and it got much worse since. Everyday I feel like I'm slipping deeper into a hole that I'm digging myself with my lack of action. I'm losing interest in things I enjoyed, sometimes I drive away my friends, and amongst other things I also developed eating and sleeping problems. Anxiety and lack of communication skills also has been a big problem of mine, which also seems to be at its worst point yet. Worst thing is that it feels deserved. My low self esteem and feeling of self worth (or rather lack thereof) are also a problem. Main reason I haven talked with my close ones about it, is that I don't feel like I'm worth their attention, support or stress and nerves I may cause. And it's not that I think they would turn their backs at me or something. They always showed me support in times of need and with the problems I talked about with them.

I'm scared of being a bother and heavy weight when they have their own problems, especially when I often see my problems as entirely my faults. I don't believe I can continue living like this, not to mention continuing college in this state. I guess I just want to hear from someone that even if they disagree with my choices, or see them as mistakes, they can still understand where I'm coming from, say that it's not the end of the world, that I still will be able to makes things right in the future, and say that it's not making me any less of a human being.

[a-patron-with-warlock-issues]

My last 2 brain cells waiting to see if I'll get an anxiety attack while talking to the cashier.

[a-patron-with-warlock-issues]

I could describe myself as a wreck, but that would imply that I was was functional.

[a-patron-with-warlock-issues]

“ I am weak.

At times like this I realize that the weakness of my flesh is only surpassed by the weakness of my mind, for I once again gave in to the temptation of that accursed act. The fact that it mutilates my very flesh seems inconsequential when the ever so temporary relief and tranquility fills my soul. But in the aftermath, when I regain my senses, I can not but bitter. Looking at the state of my body, I can only drown in the very same feelings of anguish that have led me to commit this act in the first place. It is just a damned cycle of addiction, seemingly sent by the most deprived of gods. So far, no matter how much time passes, I can not see an end to this horrible pattern of weakness and compulsion. I can only pray to every deity that’s willing to listen, to hear out my cries and grant me a peace of mind and break me free from my own decrepitude.”

[a-patron-with-warlock-issues]

“The structure stands, left by its creators.

No one knows for sure when it first appeared or for how long it was abandoned. There are no records of the construction, or even the first discovery of the structure. This led some to speculate that it was there from the beginning of time. And even if this suggestion was criticized and ridiculed multiple times, it has yet to be disproven. The design of the structure doesn’t match any known forms of architecture, present or past, and the sheer size surpasses the building capabilities of any known civilization. It consists of untold numbers of (comparatively) flat rectangular “boxes” of various proportions, stacked onto each other. Each of which has multiple openings, some similar to valves. This enormous formation seems to defy physics themself, with parts hanging off the sides, as if held by invisible threads. Upon closer inspection it can be noticed that each “box” is covered in different markings or “paintings”. They seem to be picturing (among other things) various examples of modern plants, usually accompanied by strange symbols. However, the meaning of those paintings and symbols has not been discovered. Many still speculate on what really is inside this construck. Some say it’s completely empty, based on the fact that much of the interior can be seen thru the openings mentioned before. I, personally, think differently. An overwhelming sense of dread and terror always surrounds the construct, a feeling so primal and profane that it cannot be caused by just the size of the structure, or by the many mysteries circulating around it. No, I think that something ungodly and vile is lurking among the walls of this thing, trapped or perhaps hiding… waiting for something.”

[a-patron-with-warlock-issues]

“Dear Brother of mine,

I’m afraid I do not have much time left. The sickness consuming my body seems to be dominating my very soul, leaving this poor fool without any strength or will to convalesce. The memories of my vigorous self seem distant, like a glimmer of a midnight moon hidden behind a layer of rainy clouds. And so, I beg of you, remember your dear brother, not as an ill husk he is now, but as a dumbass and a clown he always was.”