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You know what's absolutely fucking hilarious? Finally dropping to my UGW. I'd been dreaming of it so long that I stupidly thought I would suddenly become pretty at 40kg.

I have beautiful, prominent collarbones and a thin neck- but what the fuck is up with all that flab on my arms? Those broad, round shoulders?

My wristbones stick out so prettily but why do my thighs still rub together? Why does my stomach still form rolls when I sit?

How come I can still pick at any part of my body and yet feel nothing but a disgusting flesh sack?

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together we will create a home with no loud anger, no explosive rage, no slamming doors or breaking glass, no holes punched into the walls so hard that the foundation rocks and cracks. our home will be gentle, it will be warm. i will keep you safe and you will keep me still. no fear, no hurt, no worry. we come from broken and twisted places but together we will build something whole and safe. we will curl around each other like a pair of quotation marks at night, warm and comforted. in the mornings, you’ll sing in the shower again. we will heal, and we will raise a family that doesn’t need to heal.

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I’m at 362 Kcals for the whole day, I’m craving something sweet and stressing myself out deciding wether I can eat some low cal dessert.

send sweetspo pls x

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Depression: I want to die

Anxiety: but what if you do die

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Getting real about Ana

I’ve been doing this for a while so I’ve decided to share a few things I’m going through. There are both positive and negative points and I don’t want anyone to feel motivated to start because of me This is simply to record this experience.

I used to feel bad about thinspo, manly because I didn’t look like those people and desperately wanted to. Now when I look at it I feel somewhat inspired to go on.

I’m worried about going too far and becoming one those people who sees a picture of a girl who is nothing but bones and actually believes that is healthy and/or acceptable

I can do more with my body without the extra weight holding me down. I run faster, jump higher and feel like I’m stronger than before.

I feel cold. Always. Whenever the temperature drops, I can feel it. My blood pressure is also lower, so sometimes I feel lightheaded and/or nauseous

I can fit into places. I don’t have to dodge people in doorways or on the street, I slip right through without effort.

Mah hands. So pretty, so delicate. Before, people used to comment on my nails, how they’re always nice etc. But I always had chubby fingers. Now people constantly tell me how my hands are beautiful and “elegant”

I can buy anything I want. There’s no more of “will it fit me tho?”. Basically all the clothes look good, which also motivated me to try different styles.

I spent more money on clothes lately because my old ones didn’t fit anymore.

I’m dating more. I used to stay at home and never do anything. Now I go to parties and have been with a few people , so I’m enjoying this a lot.

Overall, how people are nicer to me. Don’t know how, but I’ve noticed how I’m treated differently now that I look good and in shape. People smile more and give me freebies at diners and shops.

Something important keep in mind is:

It’s working because I don’t obsess over it.

I don’t count calories

I don’t avoid eating junk food and

I do not purge. Ever.

But how, then?

I drink A LOT of water. Always have a bottle on me. Always sippin

I eat twice a day. EVERYDAY. The secret? Eat a regular portion of food but with a shitload of salad on it. Avoid anything fried/industrial, and DONT DRINK DURING MEALS. Btw, I’m vegetarian, so no meat.

Exercise like a hoe. But I don’t go to the gym cause I’m poor. So, I walk a lot everyday (about 12km) and also run when I can and do yoga. I mostly use the Nike Training Club app and it’s awesome. My stomach is flat so now the six pack is coming through

Eat once or twice between meals. But again nothing industrial so fruit, grains and if I really crave something I make it myself so I can make sure it’s healthy.

Now, the absolute nail in the coffin: vitamins. Be smart about it, do some research to find the healthiest choice. Also, use your brain and don’t fall into those scams on Instagram. It doesn’t work.

Why the vitamins? Well, my hair looks great, and also my skin. My nails are strong af and I don’t “look sick” or “feel weak” throughout the day.

NO appetite suppressants. They don’t really work and will wreck your body

So, why do you do things differently?

Cause I’m a smart bitch and y’all should be too.

I know I can only push my body so far before it breaks down and takes me with it. I wanna enjoy being skinny, ya know? I wanna live and be pretty and feel good about myself. I wanna look like a model and smile and take pics and go places and meet people. I wanna live.

Also, I’m a biology student so I KNOW the science behind all of it. I know how much it destroys your body.

I’ve studied real corpses and body parts and cells and the whole process of metabolism. I know shit, not because I saw it on a blog and believed it. But because I did actual research and read books on this whole thing.

The catch?

What I do still isn’t healthy. Really. I still get lightheaded and starve myself. I know it’s doing awful things to my body.

And why do I keep doing it?

Cause I’d rather do minimal damage to myself than be completely destructive. That’s all.

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PSA

I think i speak for every ED blog when i say that even though i hate myself and my body - i do not think the same about any of my followers.

you could weigh 200lbs more than me and i still would not think you’re ugly, MY body dysmorphia and my ED does not extend to you

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I CAN’T WEAR OVERSIZED SWEATERS IF I MYSELF AM OVERSIZED

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"But I can't have an eating disorder BECAUSE..."

“I eat too much!” There is no maximum calorie limit for eating disorders. An eating disorder is not about what you eat, but how you eat- your feelings/thoughts about your body and your intake.

“I’m not underweight!” The majority of people who develop an eating disorder will never become underweight. The only disorder that is diagnosed based partially on weight is anorexia- and for that, if you’re an average weight but meet every other criteria, you’ll still be diagnosed with ‘atypical anorexia nervosa’. It doesn’t mean you aren’t sick or that you don’t need help.

“I don’t meet the anorexia/bulimia guidelines!” OSFED (formerly known as EDNOS) is not a ‘failed’ eating disorder. It is every bit as serious as anorexia or bulimia. It is also the most commonly diagnosed eating disorder, meaning more people have this than anorexia or bulimia.

“I don’t make myself sick!” Vomiting is only one form of purging. You can have bulimia, anorexia or OSFED/ARFID and not make yourself sick.

“I still eat!” So does everybody else. You can’t photosynthesise, after all. Even people with eating disorders eat.

“I feel like a fake/ a fraud!” So does basically every single other eating disordered person. This is a really, really, really, really common feeling. You might feel guilty for ‘misleading’ other people into believing the problem is more serious than it is, or feel like you’re overblowing things. That’s totally normal and it is not true. You are not a fake or a fraud.

“I eat things that no real anorexic would eat!” I have known eating disordered patients with these safe foods: chocolate, frozen meat pizza, fruit, ice cream cones, potatoes, granola I have known eating disordered patients with these fear foods: : chocolate, frozen meat pizza, fruit, ice cream cones, potatoes, granola Safe/fear foods are not based on logic or reason. They are individualised. There are even people who don’t have any fear foods- they’ll eat anything, they’ll just feel crappy and purge it/ restrict afterwards. All of the experiences described here are those of a person with an eating disorder.

“I’ve never been inpatient!” Neither have most eating disorder sufferers.

“I’ve never been tube fed!” Neither have most eating disorder sufferers.

“I’ve never been near death!” Neither have most eating disorder sufferers.

“My blood work/ blood pressure is fine! Eating disorders affect different bodies in different ways. Some people find their blood work suffers; others find their blood pressure or pulse dips; others find that, whilst they’re suffering hugely mentally, their bodies hold up well. This is not a measure of how ‘sick’ you are. All of these things- weight, bp, pulse etc- are just symptoms of the sickness. The sickness is in your head.

“I don’t feel sick enough.” You never will. Sorry. “I’m not sick enough!” is one of the most common ED thoughts there is; please don’t listen to it. It is a lie. Do not compare your misery to someone else’s; nobody with stage I cancer says ‘yeah, but that person is a stage III, so I’m not really that bad and I won’t get any treatment yet’.

“I still get my period!” ‘Period loss’ has been removed from the DSM as necessary for a diagnosis of anorexia, and no other eating disorder requires it. It was viewed as a flawed measure of illness, and so it has been removed. Whether or not you get your period is not an indication of how ill you are.

“But I binge eat without throwing up” Binge eating disorder is a newly added eating disorder in the DSM, where people eat large amounts of food in an ‘out of control’ manner but then do not compensate inappropriately for it. It is very much a real eating disorder.

“I don’t calorie count/ weigh myself!” I know many people with eating disorders- including anorexia- who have never calorie counted, or who don’t own a pair of scales. It’s not required for diagnosis.

“I think about food all the time!” This is a symptom of an eating disorder. Malnutrition causes the brain to focus 100% of its attention on food- finding it, getting it, eating it. Daydreaming or fantasizing about food does not mean you are not sick; quite the opposite, in fact.

“But I enjoy eating!” Most people do. Eating is enjoyable. Even in the depths of my restriction, the food I ate brought me great pleasure. It’s linked to the previous point, to a certain extent. Enjoying food does not mean you don’t have an ED.

“But this is just how I am!” Eating disorders often start in early childhood, and it can be hard to break out of a pattern that well-entrenched. It’s not impossible, though. Chronic eating disorders can be harder to beat, but they can be beaten.

–

(part of Mental Health Awareness week)

For more information on eating disorders and what to do if you think you have one, visit

www.b-eat.co.uk

www.webiteback.com

http://www.something-fishy.org

NHS- overcoming eating disorders

www.joyproject.org

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i got a coca cola zero at the gas station and

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@ ppl who r pretty ,,, whats that like

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me: has a Literal eating disorder

anyone: i didn’t have time to eat breakfast today :(

me: oh m…oh my god……my son………my sweet starved son please,….have some stew…u need ur strength…..

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friends: ew how can you not shower for like days on end don’t you feel gross?? and how can you let your room get in such a mess wtf??

me, leaning forward so my lips touch the microphone: I Have Depression

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Ed community looking at memes about starving, lying to friends and family and hating your own body: