abirthofastranger

[abirthofastranger]

Bear, beast, body by Erica Jong

I was sick of being a woman,

sick of the pain,

the irrelevant detail of sex,

my own concavity

uselessly hungering

and emptier whenever it is filled,

by its own emptiness,

seeking for a garden of solitude

instead of men.

The white bed

in the green garden —

I looked forward

to sleep alone

the way some long

for a lover.

Even when you arrived,

I tried to beat you

away with my sadness,

my cynical…

[abirthofastranger]

Take.a.breather

I’ve been careless of my health.

In a week, I’ve lost some weight.

I’ve tired myself out and yet, I can’t fall asleep at night.

Eating is not an appetising time for me. How sad…

My heart races above 110bpm and I am able to look like still water on the facade.

I don’t wear the same smile anymore — because I’ve faked it for perfection.

I consume too much coffee till my palm sweats off anxiousness.

[abirthofastranger]

Today, I’ve missed you the most out of all days. I shouldn’t be. There is no use to it. I shall not cling onto the past.

There are days when you are non-existent — just like how it’s supposed to be. I reckon it’s guilt that is pulling me in to this web of dream.

Twice. This year.

That is the number of times I’ve been seeing you in my sleep. I don’t hope for anything.

Just disappear forever.

[abirthofastranger]

Being comfortable

About a week or so, I'd decided to meet up with a friend of mine after months of contemplating it. The reason why I agreed to it was because I knew I would say yes to it. The exact moment when I gave a green light, I panicked. For no reason. It was not the first time I'd felt this way - not the jittery feeling though. It was the anxiousness of getting ready and facing hours of having a company. I was not prepared to have a long conversation with someone whom I'd not met in months. I'd thought of cancelling it again (yes, not the first time) and reason it with another excuse. Fast forward, I made it till the end but I was so disgusted with myself. I did not like how I was not comfortable being myself. I hated how I was so submissive in carrying myself as I was listening to the person sitting opposite of me. 

All of these could just be me being over-dramatic with myself and I wish it would never have to happen again. 

[abirthofastranger]

An Update

What’s the difference between 22 and 23?

A step closer to being 25 and questioning my quarter life crisis? This year, I’ve grown at least 1cm taller, and a little wider and less around the torso area.

Food still fascinates me and I’ve never been hungrier by day. I am forever homesick and I spend most of my time watching funny videos on the couch. If not, sleeping. If not the latter, it will be…

[abirthofastranger]

I finish up my coffee, It's time to catch the train #tomsdiner #midnightdrawing

[abirthofastranger]

Dreams that repeat after you

Here you are again / in my sleep / wearing the same smile / that I’ve seen 6 years ago / You look the same to me / your squinty eyes/ grinning at me / I’ve lost count of / your visits to my untidy sleep / How did you manage to find your way to meet me / when we’ve lost touch with one another /  without your number on my WhatsApp list / Last year / on my birthday / my phone beeped to / an unknown…

[abirthofastranger]

Overdue rant

You’ve once said, your love is grand, it’s limited edition; that no one will ever receive such singular presence from a man that exudes honest talks and warmth. You speak as your seat sinks into the depth of the ocean till no one can reach upon you. What is the meaning of your intellect? Are you trying to force feed us with the negative space around you so we would all become like you? Depression…

[abirthofastranger]

Skinship

  It is merely a kind gesture, she convinces herself. A simple greeting, with a pat on the back to say “hi”. She is clothed, with layers to cover her pale skin. But even the slightest warmth startles her  — sending chills to her back, like a mimosa, “I close at your touch.” The sight of men, she bears in mind from the scarring incident. Not a long-lost trauma, but a constant reminder when she is…

[abirthofastranger]

One last smile

I’ve arrived at the late scene in the past year. The era when you’ve just begun to bloom with popularity and gaining love emojis when I was blindsided by hatred. At this point, I’ve missed out on the vast sea of yellow lights that wave unanimously. When I first met you, it was winter and you looked cool. After many seasons, I’ve finally given in to you. Soon, I realized that I am accompanied by…

[abirthofastranger]

A girl's growth

A girl’s growth

[abirthofastranger]

A girl's growth

A girl’s growth

By 25, My hair will reach my feet Growing of independence that my mother will begin to furrow determined to cage me in I will grow out of the corners as the bricks begin to crumble to food bits, I will no longer sing in the shower, but to assert confidently without any barrier, hoping she would be lenient. Her glares pierce through my growth, hitting like a laser defending my guard up She said…

[abirthofastranger]

[abirthofastranger]

[abirthofastranger]

Wave hello at Dadddy, Rose. *.*

[abirthofastranger]

Anger is a pain, throbbing in depths When I no longer feel its numb, that is when I give up on you

[abirthofastranger]

I Am My Worst Enemy

I Am My Worst Enemy

  The kind of struggle that never leaves your mind. They stay. They will linger around in your head and strike hard when mistakes occur. You are afraid – afraid of exposing your vulnerabilities. Every night gets a little tougher to tuck yourself to bed, shutting your eyes but all it seems that you can’t stop thinking about every mistake that you’ve had made this morning. But… I can’t help it. I’m…