abstemiousvagabond-blog

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‘No fence uncut

No one is illegal’

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This has, so far, been my morning routine of how I take the teaspoon of kratom I have to ingest. I do have to eat something before hand or I'll feel sick all day. I take a non citrus tea, with 2 teaspoons of honey, 2 packets of stevia and a teaspoon of kratom. I only make my tea this sweet because it helps nuetralize the bitter taste of the kratom. Even with all that it is still incredibly bitter. I am going to buy capsules soon. I have a few but I save those for later in the day if I really need them. I'm using Maeng Da kratom. I've tried larger doses in the past and they made me quite sick so this is the dosage that's been working best so far.

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Day 2 out of 365

I actually slept okay last night. My pup Navi has sensed I haven't been feeling to good and has been keeping me company while I try to fall asleep.

I woke up ready to start the day right. Ate oatmeal because it's the only thing we had at my cooperative that was community food, fuck oatmeal, but I needed it to drink my kratom tea.

My kratom tea, this time it was muuuuuch better. I used a nice herbal that wasn't very harsh, a couple packets of stevia and two teaspoons of honeywith a teaspoon of kratom. Normally I would never make my tea that sweet but to help with the kratom taste it worked wonders.

I meditated with Stop,Breathe,& Think app and it was the first time in awhile I had an option for a different meditation, it was on forgiveness. Probably prompted me because of how sad my body and mind scan was.

The beauty was it gave me my mantra for today:

"Anyway I've harmed someone else, through my thoughts, words or actions, I forgive myself and continue to have an open heart."

I feel like crying right now but I have work to do. Before I leave quick question, what is your daily self care routine?

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Day I Fucked Up and Don’t Remember What Day I Would Even Be On

I am currently in Olympia,WA with my partner and his best friend. What I have seen so far is beautiful. We did spend the day in Seattle yesterday and it gave me a very equisitive inspired mind on my gentrification piece and seeing what is happening in other cities.

I am not naive, I know Seattle is expensive, they were the first state to raise their  minimum wage to $15 but that makes sense because the cost of living here is so high. Just to walk around downtown, by the needle and around, all the buildings being so new, the restaurants and bars with menus exceeding $16 for a simple meal..I wonder where the people who used to live here went. 

I got into a conversation with a patron at one of the bars we stopped at and he said what is happening in Seattle is very similar to Austin. The locals are being pushed farther out because they can’t afford their property taxes, gentrification comes in and instead of making things better for people who live their, it forces them to relocate. There has to be a better way.  These are just my opinions being in the city for a few hours, I don’t know it’s history. But it makes me more curious now.

Weed is legal here. We haven’t gone to a dispensary but our host says they aren’t as strict as Colorado where you have to show your ID in the front and be escorted to the back to a second area. Also the few candies I’ve had here didn’t have labels saying they had thc in them at all, the container but not individually packed candy. 

I do really love being in legal states. I feel like I’m less tempted to drink. That is from an alcoholics brain though and could be seen as setting aside one vice for another. Marijuana helps expand my mind more than alcohol that’s for sure, my thought process going deeper. Also traveling to a new place AND being in nature.

We are heading to the Olympia National Forest. I think the plan is to camp for a few days and head back Saturday, the guys have a Water Rogers show they’re going too. My love tried to convince me to go, using Waters political expression to allure me but it wasn’t enough, this way now his friends wife can go and they have a sitter and although she doesn’t care for Waters either he wants his wife to experience this band he truly loves and I can get that. 

I’m going to write more. 

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Day 6

I have yet to take the kratom, it’s been my back up plan. I need to cap it out. Mo decided to be my model. I’ve been preoccupying my mind with an article I’m working on about right-wing terrorists in the United States and the rise in attacks since Trumps election. I’m also rereading a book called Flourish: An Alternative to Government and Other Hierarchies and seeing how it coincides with the show The OA and the book The Cats Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut. 

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Day 4/5

Yesterday I didn’t drink. 

Today I haven’t drank. A friend who owns a botanical business gave me free green maeng da kratom. I haven’t taken it yet, I really need to buy some capsules  because tosh and swish medicine is absolutely terrible, there is no way I could do that everyday, even thinking about it now makes my mouth salivate. 

My anxiety is worse today. I was jumping in the car thinking a car was coming into our lane, I scared my friend jumping so hard. I’ve felt incredibly antisocial but also a large portion of my work has been online and people are distracting. 

I’ve been working on SOUP today, an idea that came from Detroit SOUP, a live crowdfunding community event. Four projects have four minutes to explain their project to the audience, everyone pays $5 to get in which gets them a food, a drink and a vote, at the end of the night everyone votes and the winner gets ALL the money raised. I’ve helped organize one other SOUP. I love the organic, community aspect of it all. The community chooses what they want to win, what is best for their community.

 Ah, that is the other beautiful thing about SOUP the only stipulations to be a project in SOUP is they must benefit the city they’re in and they can’t use technology in their presentation. And in some places, like Detroit where it began, they even have neighborhood SOUP, which means the projects must benefit the neighborhood themselves. 

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I spoke to a woman today about what she did when she went out to settings where she knew there would be alcohol, bars, shows, parties, etc. She said she would always have a topo chico or some sort of sparkling water and take between .2 and .4g of magic mush. Grounding them and putting them in capsules they would still feel a slight trippy feeling and but no visuals and not overwhelming. 

I would like to try this. As much as I don’t like mushrooms when it comes to full trips because of the handful of times I’ve done them I don’t have a very pleasant trip, it is very uncomfortable and although I do learn something out of the trips themselves when it comes to psychedelic it is not one that I enjoy. But in my research, these small amounts, in a tea, capsules, really help people. 

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This was yesterday, heat of the moment. Frustrated to the point that writing on a piece of paper to release some of it was all I could do, reading over it I think I sound like a child. I little girl writing in her diary after becoming upset. But it honestly, it helped, for the time being. It helped me not go into a state of fuck you, yelling bullshit that I tend to put on my partner. 

I talked to him that night about this and it went well, I know it did because this morning when I told him I had cancelled on going to a friends Memorial Day bbq because I knew I’d be tempted to drink he hugged me and kissed me and just made me feel like he knew that was hard for me. It fucking frustrates me that it’s hard for me. 

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Day One

I am at the end of my first day not drinking, for the time I am right at 24 hours since my last drink, a 34oz Bud Light at Pluckers. I haven’t told to many people what I am trying to do, I’ve done that so many times. Wanting to share my struggle and thinking it will hold me accountable. Well so far it hasn’t so let’s try this way. 

I am still going to document, record and write when I can. That is one of the main reasons I started this blog, to have a spot to put my thoughts if I’m needing a place to vent. 

The beginning of this year I went 22 days no booze and then fell back for a couple days, then stopped again for another six. Then thought, you can manage this, you can monitor the amount you drink but no. That is the end goal but at this point in my life, my mental health, psychical health and on can’t handle that so I need to buck up and get healthy and then I’ll figure out what I can do. 

I have been to rehab, detox, intensive outpatient treatments, therapy, aa meetings, tried kratom and nothing has fixed it, they’ve all helped in ways but nothing lasting. This time I’m going to use a mixture of marijuana, cbd oil and kratom to help with my cravings and anxiety throughout the process. Eventually I’d like to try San Pedro and if the opportunity presents itself I will try ayahuasca. I’m going to workout regularly, do yoga, meditate and start seeing a counselor. 

I want to live a better life. I want my sharp mind back. I want to accomplish my goals and be a better journalist and filmmaker. I want to travel. Really I know I will accomplish all of that if I can control my drinking and these next 365 that is what I am going to do.

For the sake of documentation I’m starting at 171 pounds. I can’t concentrate on things for very long. I procrastinate like no other. I am so angry and mean to the ones I love. I can’t save money for shit. 

Today I’ve just smoked to help with cravings and anxiety. I want to get xanax to help with the intense anxiety that I know is to come the next couple days. Since leading up to this stop I had been binge drinking for 3 days and only slowly weening off having about 2 or 3 beers a day until yesterday when I had the 34oz.

I got this.