ace-of-feathers - Tumblr blog

ace-of-feathers · 3 months ago

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tw: DARVO, unsafe kink community member, compulsive lying, details abt a situation i have been asked about.

i've had a lot of people asking about my previous play partner @/socaltickle5. i have been struggling with how to proceed about what happened, but after speaking with 4 play partners/potential play partners (who are also now no longer in any dynamic with him), we have all realized together how unsafe this individual is. as a result, i've decided the fear of creating conflict is outweighed by the responsibility i feel towards the safety of other women in the kink community that i am directly involved with.

safety concerns

gaslighting (telling me i misremembered things, misheard him, or that he downright never said things that he said to me)

telling harmful lies to me about his other play partners and to his other play partners about me (ie. told me @tklmeadi was envious of our dynamic while also telling her i was envious of theirs. told me @itsticklishme23 was returning to the community and repeatedly asking to session with him due to being "jealous of our content," while in reality she was resisting his persistent requests to session with him and make content with him and never spoke negatively about my content to him one time - screenshots were exchanged to verify this as truth)

neglecting my emotional needs that he agreed to meet in the D/s dynamic that i consented to with him (aftercare, communication, consistency, honesty)

convinced me to dismiss multiple warnings i received from his play partners who attempted to warn me about him, telling me that they were only approaching me due to being jealous and vindictive

responding to open communication of my needs with defensiveness, deflection, scorekeeping and guilt-tripping

creating detailed and convoluted stories of things that never happened in order to make himself seem more desirable

push/pull breadcrumbing (pushing away until i would ask to reduce our dynamic expectations due to feeling disconnected, then pulling back with attention and enthusiasm again so i wouldn't end things, then disappearing again, repeat)

socal did everything right in the beginning. he was attentive, affectionate, validating, and enthusiastic about safety and consent. he told me that he wanted me to be his primary lee. he said he wanted to play consistently and he is the one who encouraged me to create this blog and start posting our content. then, everything changed.

he became distant, he stopped debriefing with me after sessions, he stopped engaging in banter, he no longer expressed interest in sessioning with me without me asking him for it or initiating. whenever i tried to approach him about it, he would list off all the ways i had the wrong idea until i believed that i was perceiving things incorrectly.

the first conflict that raised serious red flags was the night that i found out my dog had cancer. one of socal's play partners whom he had recently connected with at a gathering reached out to me in an attempt to warn me that he had shared personal things with her that i had expressed to him in confidence. the alarming part is that the things he told her were never actually said by me.

after finding all of this out, i was exhausted and confused but i needed time to think. i texted socal to explain why i needed some space but expressed that i did not have the emotional capacity to discuss it in detail with him yet because i just found out that my dog had stage 4 lymphoma and i was in the ER vet with her, my partner and my ex at the time.

the above messages are just a tiny glimpse into what turned into 24 hours of harassment, defensiveness, gaslighting, invalidating and cornering me while i was trying to process horrible news about my dog. i was a wreck, but was receiving calls from him and walls of texts all evening and all night. i continuously tried to disengage, but the more i tried, the more hostile he became. he convinced me that she was manipulative, psychotic, vengeful and cruel. he would not stop pressing these accusations, so i tried to divert the conversation into a solution instead.

i was already feeling neglected in our dynamic due to a few of the prior safety concerns mentioned above; he began our connection with intense enthusiasm, attention, effort, and interest. then, once we played, he became distant, detached, and only seemed to pour his energy into new connections (which would have been perfectly ethical had he just been honest about wanting a one or two time thing, rather than stringing me into being a primary and consistent play partner). so, i told him if this individual was really such a crazy master manipulator, maybe it worked on me because i was already noticing such an energy shift and her words confirmed my suspicions.

so, as you can probably tell, throwing it in my face that he agreed to fly me to AUNT with him (which i only asked for because he was parading around tumblr advertising me as his duo ler, tagging me in posts for gang tickles with women i'd never even met before, potentially causing discomfort for them) was my final straw and i became extremely angry. i was done trying to gentle parent a 38 year old "Dom" while simultaneously crying over my sick dog.

i understand this is a lot of information, but i must stress that context is everything in a situation like this. because the truth of the matter is: socal was never unsafe physically. he always respected boundaries during sessions. he never pushed for more than i was comfortable with. on PAPER, he presented himself as the perfect ler.

and that is why it is so important to show what goes on behind the scenes. because emotional responsibility is just as important. i was consistently left feeling crazy, and being convinced that any other play partner who had issues with him was the crazy one. my needs were clearly neglected, and when i repeatedly tried to advocate for myself so that we could have a healthy and fulfilling dynamic, i was hit with scorekeeping, guilt-tripping, defensiveness, and just complete and total dishonesty. socal gave me all of the emotional care that i would need in order to session with me and build a connection with me, but i was left feeling like nothing more than a reputation enhancer. it was at this point that i began to fully detach.

now, this all went down in december. i will admit that after this horrible night continued (and got much worse might i add, but tumblr won't let me put that many screenshots and frankly they're probably too triggering anyway) he continued pushing until i finally called him the next day. he managed to convince me that this play partner was the problem, and i was so exhausted that i gave up. i agreed to move forward and expected whatever apologies he offered. he showered me with attention and care for the next 1-2 weeks.

then, the pathological lies started to unravel. this is what eventually led to me telling him (while literally on the plane to AUNT) that he will never have access to me ever again.

due to this post being way longer than i intended already, i will keep things brief with bullet points.

i started chatting more with @tklmeadi and learned that she was experiencing the same breadcrumbing where he initially put an excessive amount of energy into their connection and then completely fizzled out with no communication to her on the matter.

i admitted to her that i hadn’t tried to connect with her sooner because socal had told me that she wanted their dynamic to be more like mine and his, and that she was jealous/got in her head about my connection with him, but he didn’t want that dynamic with her. she was shocked and shared that she never suggested that to him, and never expressed jealousy.

she was upset about hearing this, so she asked my consent to approach him about it, which i gave. she texted him and said she wanted to talk about some uncomfortable/unsettling things she’d heard that he said about her. he immediately called her, and began texting me while on the phone with her telling me things like “i never said i didn’t want xyz with her, why would i even say that? you must have misheard me!”

i responded to him refusing to allow myself to be gaslit again, stating “no i did not mishear you, i remember exactly what you told me the last time we saw each other. i don’t know why you said it, it didn’t make sense to me at the time, but you said xyz.” i then sent adi a screenshot of my response.

she responded telling me: “he read that text but left out the last sentence.” he was literally on the phone with her, only reading half of my responses, leaving out the parts that he didn’t want her to hear. this was the moment i texted him again and said i no longer want us to continue playing and that i would not be playing with him at AUNT.

he sent more walls of texts but i ignored them. he continued talking in circles to adi on the phone for about an hour, expressing to her how important she was and how i am just saying these things “because i am upset with him.” he also told her “uh oh, Nyx is mad at me again cuz she’s not getting enough attention!” which really really infuriated me to find out.

i continued chatting with adi for the next few days, sharing stories, realizing how much of the same emotional neglect and up/down effort we both experienced. this is when another lovely friend @itsticklishme23 (aka T) happened to ask her how things were going after the play party in LA. adi, T and socal had all been there.

adi admitted that she wasn’t sure what socal was doing because she wasn’t feeling great about him at the moment. T expressed immediate concern/hesitancy because this was apparently not the first sketchy thing she had heard involving socal lately. keeping in mind T and socal have been friends/play partners in the community for 10 years, adi began to share some of the recent things she’d spoken to me about.

next thing you know, we’re all in a group chat with our jaws on the floor. i showed T a screenshot of socal telling me that T “came back to the tickle community because she was jealous of our content!! she’s sent me like 4 dates trying to session this week😑” — and, in shock, T sent me screenshots of her conversation with him from that very same day (and the entire week!) showing where she had never mentioned a session with him at all, and never mentioned my content at all.

i showed T a screenshot where socal asked me “not to say we played last night” when i was about to post a session clip, because he “played hooky from a hangout with T.” he had a whole story about how T “invited him to attend an event with her” that evening. she was again shocked, and sent screenshots of their entire conversation +2 days before and after — there was never any event. she never invited him anywhere.

there were more negative things and lies said that i won’t get into. but at this point, T had the same reaction as adi. shocked, hurt, confused, and she wanted to address these issues with socal directly. so, she also texted him asking him why he would say these things about her after she trusted him as a community friend for 10 years.

he immediately responded in the exact same way that he responded to me in the screenshots above, and to adi. “NONE of it is true. You KNOW me. I would NEVER say anything negative about you. I know who you talked to. It’s Nyx. She’s on her revenge tour right now.” claiming he had “endless screenshots” of me being “jealous and malicious over his other play partners.” not realizing we had all 3 already shared every screenshot we had of our conversations.

he also then texted me extremely aggressively, saying what i was doing was “wrong and i know it.” i told him he was genuinely terrifying and that he would NEVER have access to me ever again. this was literally while i was on the plane to AUNT. i put all my energy into staying as far from him as possible and having the best time that i could possibly have.

believe it or not, this is all merely the tip of the iceberg, but i don’t want to go on and on for too long. i did my best to include as much detail as possible about the points that matter the most in terms of harmful and dangerous behaviors. since these unsafe practices are not so cut-and-dry as violating a physical boundary, it requires a lot of context, detail and explanation. i was honestly afraid of doing this, but i don’t care about the backlash if it helps spare any other women from getting caught up with someone who is legit causing harm and attempting to instill insecurity between play partners.

in summary (tldr)

socaltickle5 was revealed to be an emotionally unsafe play partner and friend, a compulsive liar, and a neglectful Dom/ler. i have now either heard of, or spoken directly to, more than 7 play partners who have had harmful experiences with him. he has been directly caught in detailed and convoluted lies that seem to serve no purpose other than to turn his play partners against each other or to control the narrative at all times.

i was very saddened to find all of this out. i trusted him deeply and we shared a great connection (at least, i thought we did but i was misled). the only reason i am sharing all of this now is because i feel i owe it to those who follow me, after all of the praise and positive vetting i did for him on my blog. i do not want ANYONE to experience harm as a result of his dishonesty, manipulation, or emotional neglect due to believing that he was a responsible Dom/ler based on my posts and content that spoke so highly of him before any of this came to light. i have removed all of our content that i posted on my page. i want nothing more than to offer full transparency to everyone who follows me and trusts my judgment of character, especially if there is misinformation that could lead to them pursuing a connection with a harmful ler. i cannot delete posts that have been reblogged, so i will at least try to explain.

thank you for taking the time to read.

#psa

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