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Wow there's a lot of angst crammed into this old sideblog. Like that's what it was for so it's not really surprising. But going through it is a trip

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been a little depressed lately

not like, too severely

but enough

i'm just so tired

everything seems like a lot of work

i get what i need done but....

i've just been so blah

and for long enough now i'm worried it will tip into something worse

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i consider it a true tragedy and failure that we, as a human race, have let lavish masquerade balls go out of fashion

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Not having spent much time in irl queer spaces is wild and as I start it just goes like this

At story games meetup: I feel like the least queer person here even though I think this guy may actually be straight

In my groupchat later: you're all so tragically heterosexual lucky you have me blessing you as the ✨queer friend✨💖✌

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i just encouraged a friend to look into nonbinary gender identities and ask me to help find info if he wants and I think it went good? idk if he will or what he'll decide if he does obviously but he seemed to receive it really well and it felt good to potentially help

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Doing things is haaaaaaaaard

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Sometimes I feel like I just know I'm gonna ruin my own life. Not like especially bad ruin just consistently fail to have enough drive in a single direction to really get anywhere

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Thought of the day is realizing my adult fear of loneliness as an only child feels very similar to my adult fear of loneliness as a probably-aro ace and wondering if either would be as bad if I at least didn't have the other to worry about as well

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I started watching BoJack Horseman....a year ago? More? Specifically because I heard Todd was probably asexual. Back when all we had was “I think I might be....nothing?” which was already great to see-especially in a character only just coming to grips with that part of himself. Before actually beginning this season, I had seen many spoilers in the forms of gifsets and brief takes. So I knew exactly what I was getting into. I knew Todd was going to really come out. I even read much of the dialogue regarding this in advance, thinking mainly “Wow, yeah that looks good.” And I saw him react somewhat badly to Emily’s use of the label-not being ready, so much like I still often feel. But tonight watching the Todd episode, and actually hearing Todd say “I’m asexual”-words I myself have so rarely said out loud-and begin to own it... I cried. I really did. I never would have guessed I’d react so strongly, but it was almost cathartic. And that last couple seconds....his meeting was an ace meetup group? And he really went? 

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that ace feel where u can’t always convince yourself you’re “really ace” because sometimes when you see an Attractive Person you think about sex because you spent years experimenting with forcing yourself to think about sex whenever you saw an Attractive Person to figure out if you were really ace or not but like what if it actually started happening organically how would u Know (tm)

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Made a felt very ace today post on my main and got validation and felt good ☺ my good good friends coming through for me

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I uhhhh read back thru some of my old posts here and apparently I was ready to call myself at least grayromantic or demiromantic and I just........forgot? Now I feel even more confused? I remembered having a romantic identity crisis after the queer panel but I thought I just kinda dropped it? Fuck, was dream!me onto something? I h8 this

Had a very stressful dream last night where a guy I really dislike (irl) was into me but he started redeeming himself a bit and became much less annoying. So everyone started liking him more including me. But then he kissed me. And it was super gross and wet and for some reason we were in front of a ton of people and I pushed him away but then I had to explain myself. And in the dream I like KNEW for some reason I was aroace (even tho irl I am not at all sure about the romantic part and usually stick to ace spec as a label) and also for some reason in the dream the only fathomable response to explain myself was to come out?! Idk I guess with all the people watching and we’d been getting on lately? It was weird but I KNEW it the way you just know some things in dreams. And I could like literally feel the words “I’m aro ace!” echoing in my head and pressing their way out in that heightened dream sense way but I choked up because of all the people around watching. Idk I was certain I didn’t want to come out to everyone but I was also certain I couldn’t say anything else. and so I just looked like a huge jerk and everyone hated me and I still felt scared by the prospect of being all but forced to come out in front of a huge crowd and my head hurt from the physical pressure of not speaking up and then I woke up and was very confused the end

Idk it’s just bothering me still because of the kiss (why would my brain invent that horrible sensation I hated it in a very visceral way, but I’ve never been averse before just inexperienced and now I’m just thinking how gross that was in the dream) and that godawful pressure at the end to come out -except mostly its not the feeling from the dream that’s bothering me it’s really that i don’t even think I am aro ace really?!!! Or at least I don’t know. Not in the way dream me knew. I mean maybe I’ve thought about it occasionally but I’ve never seriously applied that label to myself so wtf. Like I said I haven’t twitted to worry about the romantic part at all in awhile and honestly on bad days I have trouble feeling like I’m really ace spec even although overall I’ve felt pretty Hoi about that for over a year now

I s2g if my subconscious is trying to make a statement about how is silly to gatekeep myself this was the worst way

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Had a very stressful dream last night where a guy I really dislike (irl) was into me but he started redeeming himself a bit and became much less annoying. So everyone started liking him more including me. But then he kissed me. And it was super gross and wet and for some reason we were in front of a ton of people and I pushed him away but then I had to explain myself. And in the dream I like KNEW for some reason I was aroace (even tho irl I am not at all sure about the romantic part and usually stick to ace spec as a label) and also for some reason in the dream the only fathomable response to explain myself was to come out?! Idk I guess with all the people watching and we'd been getting on lately? It was weird but I KNEW it the way you just know some things in dreams. And I could like literally feel the words "I'm aro ace!" echoing in my head and pressing their way out in that heightened dream sense way but I choked up because of all the people around watching. Idk I was certain I didn't want to come out to everyone but I was also certain I couldn't say anything else. and so I just looked like a huge jerk and everyone hated me and I still felt scared by the prospect of being all but forced to come out in front of a huge crowd and my head hurt from the physical pressure of not speaking up and then I woke up and was very confused the end Idk it's just bothering me still because of the kiss (why would my brain invent that horrible sensation I hated it in a very visceral way, but I've never been averse before just inexperienced and now I'm just thinking how gross that was in the dream) and that godawful pressure at the end to come out -except mostly its not the feeling from the dream that's bothering me it's really that i don't even think I am aro ace really?!!! Or at least I don't know. Not in the way dream me knew. I mean maybe I've thought about it occasionally but I've never seriously applied that label to myself so wtf. Like I said I haven't twitted to worry about the romantic part at all in awhile and honestly on bad days I have trouble feeling like I'm really ace spec even although overall I've felt pretty Hoi about that for over a year now I s2g if my subconscious is trying to make a statement about how is silly to gatekeep myself this was the worst way

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A SHOUTOUT

for all the aces/ace spectrum folks who are in their 20s and -have never been in a relationship or even on a date -haven’t had their first kiss ..and.. -get scoffed at because of that -are told that they’ll “change their minds” when they meet “the right person” -secretly worry that those people (parents, strangers, friends, etc) are right -secretly worry that they’re not really ace -have watched all their friends from high school be in happy relationships -have gone to friends’ weddings and are not sure how to feel about that -don’t mind the idea of a relationship but worry that they won’t find someone who respects that they are ace/ace spectrum

you are real. you are wonderful. you can find love and romantic relationships and respect. and I’m writing this down so I don’t forget it. because I feel all of this. a lot.

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Birthday is tomorrow! Excited for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that I am secretly suspecting/hoping my ace friend i came out to this summer got me an ace ring

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I hope I'm not the only one who feels like Cake by the Ocean is the perfect asexual anthem. I mean obviously it's not supposed to be literal but like....it should be. It should be

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MY BEST FRIEND IS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so so worried and I actually called the police but it’s OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have never felt such pure relief in my entire life