adrift-in-the-cosmos - Tumblr blog

adrift-in-the-cosmos · 6 years ago

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cringe

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adrift-in-the-cosmos · 6 years ago

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#they only let you do 30 tags now thats stupid #anyway she she would love me and i would love her and i would probably cry with her but maybe im projecting #i want to hug them so bad #i want to be that person who dosent need to try to have the bare minimum #in a little house with their two kids and really great partner and just being fucking happy for once because no matter what she has whats #important she has then she has all of fucking them down to the cat #i dont know i bet bee would love to play with some other kids and rose might tell them about cool bands every once and while if she says 16 #i would play our music and i would tell them our stories and i would read to them until they fell asleep and i would make the choices i #needed to so that we could all be happy and i would fucking do anything for that #if a surgery is developed #i dont care what i need to do to get it #im not getting into a lot of debt with college so i can get into debt with this #as long as they get to be here. as long as i get to be theirs.#and maybe we will adopt #two siblings one older one 8ish and i would do everything i could to keep them safe and i would love them of course its just #not the same #not the same as mine #i dont know what i believe in but if your out there please know i love you #and if theres anything i can do to have you i will i promise. i promise i promise i promise

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adrift-in-the-cosmos · 6 years ago

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#hehe i really wish i had a kid #i wish i was a mom maybe like #30? ish?#and i had like 2 kids #though actually id probably be older #one would be 14 one would be 8 or 9 and assuming the first is when im 23 which is specific but me and casper will have been married for like #4 or 5 years at that point so its honesly a while but idk if we will get married at 20 tho like i absolutely would say yes but idk if #wed be ready you know? but i actually just thought about it and when hes 20 ill be 21 so thats actually a good number #so anyway we will have been together 2 years and i think thats good actually #already had a cat and gotten over the rush of being married which if its anything like when we started dating its gonna be like 8 months #i would get a donor thing and have her and it would be #super #but anyway i digress #they would call me mom and i would ask them how school was and they would say it was fine. then id like hug them because you know #id really love them #i dont know what the cat would be called #the new cat i would let them name #old cat #maybe #its impossible to know it depends on the cat #maybe Murp or something #anyway the kids #i like that #uh but yeah they wouldnt agree but we would figure something out #forgot if i ended that thought im texting dave #anyway yeah i wonder if dave would be like their uncle or another dad #he needs to look after some kids it will really do him good #im off topic #so she wouldnt be my number one fan but she would love me #and when she has problems she would know i would be there to talk any time

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adrift-in-the-cosmos · 6 years ago

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adrift-in-the-cosmos · 6 years ago

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#i know im going to delete that later #edit: im not

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adrift-in-the-cosmos · 6 years ago

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its impossible to be. the pain is impossible to imagine

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adrift-in-the-cosmos · 6 years ago

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i dont even recognize myself anymore

i can see. and i know its me but i dont even have a face

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adrift-in-the-cosmos · 6 years ago

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#she deserves to be happy

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adrift-in-the-cosmos · 6 years ago

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#i would have had short hair #i wouldnt have conformed #but i would have been big and that would have been amazing #i would have felt more about loving women #i can feel it #i can feel all of it #everything i should have been #i would have met him #and would have been conflicted for different reasons than i was #but i wouldnt have hated my body #my ideal body type is what i would have been too #i just want my body but the other way around its easy as can be #we would have bonded over different things #having lived a woman not being trans. other side of the coin #i think thats nice #would it have been better #i dont know #would it have been different #without a doubt

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adrift-in-the-cosmos · 6 years ago

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#its like i said #what i know couldnt be from what i know you know #its instinct #somewhere in the depths of my brain it knows what im supposed to be #im supposed to be #well im supposed to have been born a woman #and i would have drifted from that somewhat #but i would have had all the experiences i was supposed to #even the bad #you know i feel some dysphoria over not experiencing mysoginy?#haha it dosent make sense!#but i know im supposed to!#people are supposed to see a woman when they see me #and theyd be wrong but still #im supposed to have her and im supposed to be big and im supposed to have looked up to these women that i admire now but i didnt #instead i was that and i dont even feel like that is me anymore #completely seperate from my mind #hate thinking about it #but #but no but #i dont want to be a woman i need to be because thats what i was #and im not anymore but thats something i was and always will have been

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adrift-in-the-cosmos · 6 years ago

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I can’t describe how I feel. But I need her really really bad and she won’t exist. Even if she were to she wouldn’t today or tomorrow or in years and years so I will keep lacking who I need to care for which is a horrible feeling. Failing to protect someone sucks but never having them in the first place is worse and I don’t know what to do here!

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adrift-in-the-cosmos · 6 years ago

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#i just hope and i cry and i care until i cant care anymore and if that day ever comes then i wont have been deserving anyway but i know it w #wont #ill keep needing and needing and wanting for as long as time exists #and i will long not just for what i lost but also for her sake because i know that she would be happy too #casper would be a great parent #dave too #all of them really would be atleast alright #but casper is so #everything #everything a child could ask for #absolutely perfect to raise someone with that purity because he holds onto his own #im so greatful that he does because he taught me to find mine #thats how i know #because of him i would too #i would help her grow and teach her about whats important #and i could tell her stories #oh i could read to her of course and it would be wonderful but i could tell my story #about how i transitioned #about how i met her mom #or whatever he is by that point #and i would go over every detail and ill remember it as well as i do now #about when i really learned what love felt like #kindnesses that i received over the years that ill remember and pass on to prove that they mean something #i bet she would have great jokes #a little autistic kid with me and cas as the parents are you kidding she would be amazing #i would listen to those stories that kids tell for hours #and bee would have another person to play with too #they would understand mental health #i guess a lot of stuff runs through our families #i would

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adrift-in-the-cosmos · 6 years ago

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but thats not how the story goes

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adrift-in-the-cosmos · 6 years ago

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#i need to have a kid #kids not even the word because thats too casual #i need #i need to be pregnant and take care of something that is completely pure and innocent #something that has never witnessed the world we survive through #im surviving #im not living #but she would #she would live and get every chance i didnt get because i didnt know any better #she would be smart or maybe creative or maybe both #i wonder what she would like #well no matter what i would keep her so fucking safe and nothing would ever happen to her #i think of her as a girl they might not be #i dont want to raise a nonbinary kid unless they want that #no offense to.#uh nonbinary people who is me i guess #but gender is important and if you have nothing to rebel against it could be harder to be sure #much as it sucks its easy to tell when somethings wrong and not as easy to pick whats right #but i would never pressure her #she could be whatever she wanted to be and i know she would be beautiful and amazing at it #in gender and in general #she would be mine and #and #but #she wont be #a little spark of life #thats what she would be #thats what innocence is #a glowing piece of what makes everything worth it #an off guard smile or an unexpected kiss

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adrift-in-the-cosmos · 6 years ago

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#i cant say that #i cant think that #i cant know that

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adrift-in-the-cosmos · 6 years ago

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i want a baby so fucking bad

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adrift-in-the-cosmos · 6 years ago

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cause that isnt really me. and when i feel my face and think of my body its not good. it sucks and i hate it. its rectangular and too sharp and what i wouldnt do for hips which is something ill never get even with surgery but bones are like that

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