advice-to-me

[advice-to-me]

Dear Me,

It's been just over 15 months since the accident, and still things just don't seem to be real yet, do they? It's utterly confusing; the emotions, the reactions, everything. You're still stuck in a bubble, just outside the realm of normalcy, often feeling like a social leper when you do venture out into the world. People you haven't seen since before he died don't really know how to act around you, because it's been "so long". But it hasn't really been that long, has it? Not in your mind, where the wounds are as fresh as the day it happened, and the memories, both happy and sad, still bring tears and anger and frustration. 

People have moved on, for the most part. Continuing on with their lives, while you, and his family, are stuck in a time warp. More friends have come and gone, for various reasons, some being your own fault. Confused emotions leading to poor decisions. Learn from these mistakes, you will probably do it again, but just try and learn for once; okay?

The soul-crushing loneliness is an issue, but at least it doesn't hit as often as it used to. You're still adjusting. It also doesn't help that you allowed yourself to develop feelings for someone you shouldn't have, breaking your own already broken heart again, and ruining a friendship in the process. Yeah, that was a good one. Again, let's learn from these mistakes, yeah?

You keep remembering little things about him, that take you completely by surprise. Happy memories, mostly. Things that seemed so insignificant at the time, but hold so much meaning now. It's great, but terrible at the same time. Sometimes you just wish you could forget.

You keep wondering how you'll ever meet anyone as amazing as him again, even with his faults (because you try and stay objective and not put him on a pedestal, if only so you don't have unrealistic expectations for the future). Let's face it, you probably won't, and it really sucks that every guy from now on is going to be compared to him to a certain extent. 

Apparently these things get easier, or "softer" over time. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Love, Me.

[advice-to-me]

Dear Me,

I know things are confusing right now. There are things happening that are beyond your control. Your emotions are going haywire. You don't feel like you have anywhere to go from here. 

All of this is understandable. You're dealing with the death of your partner. Your soulmate. You knew this wouldn't be easy.

However. 

You are making it harder on yourself by expecting too much. Too much from yourself and too much from others. You know very well where high expectations lead - disappointment. 

There are people in your life making this journey far harder than it should be. Ask yourself, do you really need them? Where would your energy be better directed than worrying about them? That's right. Yourself. Your healing. 

You're lonely. I know this. It's not easy being in love with a dead man. These things can't be rushed. You will know when you're ready to change your relationship status on Facebook. You will know when you're ready to open your heart to someone else. The next time you get your heart broken, just know that it will never hurt as much as this, and that is a positive thing. Your heart will mend, just as it is trying to do now.

I know you don't find enjoyment in many things these days. That motivation is a scarcity. I just think you're thinking too big - what are some small activities that you enjoy doing? Ones that don't require you to attend weekly training sessions, or make you commit to doing something every day. 

Photography. You haven't done much, and you used to love it. I know it has memories associated with time you shared with him, but it was also something you had before he came along. It doesn't require you to go out and mingle with people unless you absolutely want to. It's quiet and relaxing. You enjoy every bit of it; from snapping the shutter to editing the final product. Go out, explore your neighbourhood. Go a little further each time. Embrace the bad, blurry photos. Try new things. Be happy when you get The Perfect Shot and share it with people you care about. Or keep it to yourself. 

Writing. Another hobby you used to love. You always said you wrote better when you're depressed. I know this is a different type of depression than anything you have ever experienced, but you can still use it to express yourself. You don't need to show anyone what you've written. Just save it to read in the future. It will help you see how far you've come.

Once again, be patient with yourself. This is a long road, you've come a long way already, but there is still more to come.

Love, me.

[advice-to-me]

Dear Me,

In a brief moment of clarity, I have decided to make a list of things that might help you get out of your depressive rut, and to hopefully help you move past the shittyness of the past nine months. Don't hate me when you read this again, especially if you're feeling really low. I'm just trying to help you.

Develop a new routine. Old routines lead to thinking about what's missing. New routines will develop new memories.

Get out of the house. Even if you don't want to, or are too depressed to move, go for a short walk or sit in the backyard.

Find a hobby that involves meeting other people. Get back into Roller Skating, think about working towards a spot on the derby team.

Set yourself an achievable number of pieces of jewellery to make. Start off easy with one or two pieces a month, then build on that.

Try not to dwell on what you've lost. Allow yourself time in each day to think about things, but don't let it take over and ruin the entire day.

Practice your cognitive behavioural therapy techniques. Mind clouds, meditation, yoga and breathing. Especially if you can't get to sleep.

Try not to get too frustrated with yourself, or others. You are going through a really stressful, horrible situation, and so are many of your friends. Take it easy and remember that you're still grieving. Grief affects people differently, so they act out differently.

Help yourself. Helping others might make you feel better while you're doing it, but you're investing a lot of yourself in them, leaving nothing for you.

The world doesn't owe you anything. As much as you wish it did. You won't get anywhere without trying to get there first. 

Change is inevitable. I know a lot has changed, and that you've never liked it, but it's something that will keep happening no matter how hard you resist it. You like planning ahead, but it doesn't always work out, it's nothing to freak out about. Just try and roll with it.

I hope this list helps you the next time you read it. If not, at least I tried.

Love, Me.