afallenwhogottaraise

[afallenwhogottaraise]

I am on the verge of starting something new and facing my biggest fear; Starting my career and using my studies for me. Cause I shall invest in myself now. I am living in the world of poets, mood boards, lip gloss and self investments, computers, mathematics, music and AIs. I crave this obvious paradox between my heart beating for poems and humanity and love in all kinds and my brain seeking answers, ways, and results as if my life depends on it. I don't care how many followers i might get or how many people will read my texts, i think i like to give my ideas and experiences to whoever needs it. And I recently found the courage to speak up about life. So here it is <3

So as you might not know, I studied literature at school. Which means studying the humanities at elementary levels not just literature. So we can pick majors like Law, sociology, philosophy, literature, psychology and more. But even though I loved this major and i enjoyed everything about it, something in my heart yearned for mathematics, for other kinds of science i loved when i was a kid. I was fascinated with mathematics and astrology, to learn English and challenge my brain. I wanted so badly to be a writer and at the same time i wanted to work for NASA and become an astrologist. (Not an astronaut of course lol). And i think all these childhood Passions and thirst just never left my soul ever.

It's a long story of how a person like me from a whole different world and knowledge is now a computer science student. But I think I loved that crazy Change. And i might write more about my life in the future. But for now, about the current situation:

I am learning programming languages. Started by HTML-CSS many years ago before university. Then I learned more about c++ in university classes. It doesn't mean I know everything but i think i know enough to think about investing in myself. And I also know that I'm weak when it comes to mathematics but oh my God! Each time I study and try to actually learn things I come to the conclusion that I'm not stupid. I just need to study!! I won't know if I can do it unless I actually do it! And then I tried facing my fear; the fear of not being smart enough for this major.

I wanted to work on some random projects and post them on GitHub. Maybe i still haven't because I'm scared it might not be good enough. But then i started to ask myself "really? So you're only going to live in theory? Never trying and failing anything in work? Not daring to teach or help others? How do you know if you're not good enough to help people struggling like you when you're not everything but at least you're something." And so I decided to share myself, my life and struggles somewhere i feel comfortable and I like it here probably because no one is going to read this LOL.

[afallenwhogottaraise]

I don't know what I would become without the magic of academic pressure and studies.

[afallenwhogottaraise]

I am the ocean—

vast enough to forgive you,

small enough to slip through your fingers.

I am kind enough to cradle you,

hard enough to crash into you,

patient enough to sit with you—

and reckless enough to storm away,

to swallow you whole into forever,

as if you never were.

-Fed

[afallenwhogottaraise]

Turned out i feel so good about myself when i study hard

[afallenwhogottaraise]

And I am an orphan

A little seashell that rests upon your native shores

One of many that's for sure but because of that

I surely must love you closely to the most out of anyone

-Violet bent backwards over the grass

[afallenwhogottaraise]

I hate it when people are looking forward to getting things magically. Can anyone remember the days when Achieving and earning was a goal?

[afallenwhogottaraise]

Today I just realized that I'm losing my words. I can't seem to have any reply for people. I can't find the right words to express my emotions and thoughts, or to even comfort people. Everything I say tastes like a lie on my tongue, even if my heart believes it. I'm losing words, and I feel like if I could touch people, hold their hands, embrace them, maybe I could express my genuine feelings. But when I'm about to do it, I suddenly feel too sensitive, like someone is touching my soul instead of my hand.

Don't get me wrong—I'm yearning for someone to touch my soul and soothe my aches. Yet, whenever anyone does, it makes me nauseous. It's as if I feel the difference between our scents and our body temperatures way too much. And it hurts my skin in ways I can't put into words.

Maybe it's just stress. Maybe it's the pressure of living a double life—being a young, angry woman who needs to win and an old grandma who thinks she has already lost the battle.

[afallenwhogottaraise]

I'm a sappy man who lost everything and also an angry young woman who lost everything. I don't know if I'm going to get drunk and lay down, or rebuild my life and get my revenge by being confident and strong, and make my bloodline see my success as their revenge.

[afallenwhogottaraise]

It feels nice when it's about me. I'm talking about my life. Gonna keep it that way.