afterblogs-blog - Tumblr blog

[afterblogs-blog]

Jay Is Asked To Do NPR’s “This I Believe”

Hello. 

I, Jay of the Sports Blog, was asked to contribute to NPR’s famed series “This I Believe”. This is a great honor for me, as I’m both a fan of the series and someone with a number of beliefs. 

My contribution to the series is copied below.

This I believe.

I believe that George Washington was not a real person. I understand why some Americans think he was real, but I don’t find their arguments convincing.

I believe that human beings can do anything they put their mind to—and also that human beings as a species are of one mind, namely, my own.

I believe that all human beings, each and every one of us, is a descendant of American president Lyndon Baines Johnson, and that the chronology of his lineage will be sorted out as soon as our species does away with the vain conceptual scaffolding known as time.

I believe that if Jesus Christ and the Prophet Muhammad were to join forces and create a world-historical super-religion, that that religion would be called Islamistianity, or perhaps Christlam.

I believe that the arcade game “Space Invaders” is based on a real space invasion that happened quite a long time ago, and which was a notable invasion both for the remarkably slow pace with which the extraterrestrials approached Earth, and for the relative ease with which the aliens were dispatched by our planet’s dweebs.

I believe that Bobby Darin and Bobby McFerrin are brothers.

I believe that Michael Jordan was right when he said you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, and that I am also right when I say you make 0% of the shots you do take.

I believe in the God of the Christian Bible, but that doesn’t mean I want anything to do with Him.

I believe that when you play the game Hungry Hungry Hippos, the hippos are alive and that you must play three times a day to keep the hippos from starving to death. And I believe it’s okay to cry about this.

I believe that the Gmail mailer-daemon is like my parents, because although the mailer-daemon always responds when I reach out to it, it doesn’t necessarily have anything interesting to say to me.

I believe that numbers are just letters that got all twisted out of shape, and that it’s our job to get them back to the way they were. This is why mathematics is such an important discipline.

I believe that all thunderstorms are just Zeus trying to hit Mark David Chapman with a lightning bolt, and that Zeus simply has very bad aim. I also believe that Mark David Chapman killed John Lennon because he thought he looked like a brown-haired Zeus without the beard, and I believe that Zeus deserves to die because he is arrogant, like Chester Cheetah and James Corden.

I believe that Bob Dylan invented the guitar as a weapon with which to beat up his proselytizing Seventh-Day Adventist uncle for taking him to church on Saturdays. I believe that when he discovered that his invention could make noise, Dylan decided to sell it to Eric Clapton for $30 and a Smith & Wesson revolver-- the very same revolver Mark David Chapman would one day use to kill James Corden.

I believe THIS.

I believe if you stare long enough at the $20 bill, Andrew Jackson will let out a horrifying guttural scream and then tearfully beg you to drive him to the grocery store to buy pickles.

I believe that William James and Henry James were the same person, and that that man would surreptitiously switch facial hair depending on whatever person he wanted to be on whatever day, and that that man was really named Hobarth Rogers Franklin-and-Marshall Jones Spears Wilson.

I believe that George Orwell’s 1984 is an allegory about the dangers of using horses to make glue. I believe that George Orwell’s Animal Farm has no allegorical significance, despite what that charlatan would have us believe. And I believe that George Orwell was a sticky and perspirant ogre of a man who sweat holes into whatever goddam suits he wore whenever the fuck he wore them.

I believe that Noam Chomsky pioneered the discipline of modern linguistics so he could talk all day and not have anyone ask him to be quiet. I DON’T believe that he invented the idea of language after screaming, “Here I am now, I can talk so this sounds like what I will call words now” at the United Nations General Assembly when he was just 26 years old.

I believe that human beings only have eight real fingers, and that pinkies are just the end parts of your wrist. I also believe that hands are good for nothing except fisticuffs, so put up those dukes and take a swing at me, or are you too scared?

I believe that the sun is a giant ball of orange juice and if we could get there we’d be able to know finally what it’s like to swim in a hot pool of citrus beverage, but then we’d sink too deep and have to drink our way out and potentially burn our throats. That’s why I believe NASA won’t pay for us to go to the sun.

I believe that a dog will become president of humans before a human president becomes a dog.

I believe that trees can talk but choose not to because they’re philistines with nothing interesting to say, just like the late James Corden.

I believe that noise is just like color for your ears, but if you tried to paint with noise nothing would happen. This makes me delightfully angry with God for his foolish and altogether pleasing oversight, but not delightfully angry enough to reconcile with Him.

This I believe. 

I believe all of this.

[afterblogs-blog]

An Interview With Broncos Coach Gary Kubiak

Jay: You just won the super bowl. How does it feel?

Kubiak: It feels great. I’m thrilled. Let’s just say those boys who’ve been calling me “Dumbo Kub” for so long don’t have much justification anymore.

Jay: It was a convincing win, and you did it with a quarterback pushing 40. What’s next for the Broncos on offense?

Kubiak: It’s an uncertain time. Right now we’re focused on the draft and on getting guys healthy. Plus, Kyle and Drake, the boys who push me around after practice every so often, well they haven’t been around the stadium of late. The win must have scared ‘em off, I bet. Serves ‘em right.

Jay: Your time as coach of the Texans was filled with ups and downs. Why has Denver been such a good a fit for you?

Kubiak: I’ll say this much: Kyle used to give me a weekly pounding, even after I told on him to Elway. Just made it worse really. Wedgies, wet willies, stickin’ my head in the friggin’ dumpster. You name it. Kyle had it out for me. He’d hang my undies on the goal posts. Drake was the meanest of all, what with his insults. “Kubi-brat”, “Gary the Goon”, “Big Dumb Brute”. But try saying that stuff to a Super Bowl champ. Know what you’ll look like? Well I won’t say it here, but it ain’t pretty…

Jay: So true. Of course you had an historically great defense, which many commentators say helped you pull through. How did it come together?

Kubiak: It’s true that Kyle’s dad is tough. He works a lot. I get it. Kyle doesn’t have the best self-esteem. Drake, honestly, he’s impressionable. I won’t blame them for all my problems.  But they’re cruel. They used to grind up all sorts of stuff—mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, ketchup, tons of stuff—and put it into a mini milk carton and make me drink it. It was PU gross. I don’t wanna be a jerk back to those guys. They’re tough as nails. Drake’s dad works at the pickle jar factory. It’s not easy for them, I know, but why the frick take it out on me? Well we’ll see how they feel next time they come by to grab the rice krispie treat from my lunch and there’s a big ol’ super bowl ring sittin’ on the table. They’re gonna freak…

Jay: Last question: How are your chances for Super Bowl 51?

Kubiak: Oh crud here they come. (He gets up to run away but turns too fast and tears his ACL.)  Good gracious, I’m hit, I’m hit!

Following this interview, Gary Kubiak was fired from the Broncos for naming his son starting quarterback for the rest of his life.  And believe you me, Dirk Dirk Johnson didn’t write a damned word of this piece, not a damned word!

[afterblogs-blog]

Culture Corner: A Conversation With Arcade Fire’s Win Butler About Basketball

Culture Corner is a weekly segment which features interviews about athletics, exercise, and staying fit with people outside the world of sports. This week I sit down with Arcade Fire lead singer Win Butler to talk about his other passion: basketball.

Jay: Good to talk to you, Win.

Butler: Talk is cheap. How’s your jump shot?

Jay: You were MVP of the NBA All-Star Celebrity Game. Congratulations!

Butler: Thanks. It was a great experience. I’ve shared my music with thousands of people all over the world, played at Madison Square Garden, won a Grammy. But it just doesn’t compare to winning a game like this. They’re incomparable, and it doesn’t make sense to compare my art to a game.

Jay: It looks like you’ve still got your uniform on from the game.

Butler: (looks at his clothes) Guh! I forgot to frickin’ change. No wonder I’ve been stinkin’ up the house...

Jay: How do you practice your game?

Butler: 1000 free throws a day. Every day. Rain or shine.

Jay: Wow. That’s an intense regiment for someone who just plays for fun.

Butler: I’m the best to ever play the game.

Jay: How did you discover basketball as a kid?

Butler: I moved to Canada when I was 20 and they didn’t have basketball there, so I picked up a similar game called “Farthing Toss”. Basically a group of men would toss a stone disc across a vast field, long as the Strait of Hormuz and wide as seven great warships laid end-to-end. Needless to say, the switch over to basketball was pretty seamless.

Jay: You’re famous for an album called The Suburbs. Have you thought about writing an album about basketball?

Butler: Hey. That’s not such a bad idea.

(Pulls out a pen and paper)

“I love to play/Shoot hoops all day/My game is all that/And yours is flat…”

Jay: ESPN cut away from your MVP speech because you invoked universal healthcare. Should sports be politicized?

Butler: Truth be told, it’s all politics on the court. The way I see it, the ref is like the president, the coach is VP. Players are congress. The audience are the voters and the scoreboard is the votes. 2 points for appealing to your base and 3 for winning independents. Free throws are like attack ads, and timeouts are basically fundraisers. It checks out.

Jay: How do you think NBA can remain innovative?

Butler: Two words: square rims.

Jay: When I was watching you play in the All-Star game, I had this thought: If I could get a job procrastinating, wouldn't I be incredibly productive? Because then I'd procrastinate my job with real work. Do you think that’s a funny thought?

Butler: Yes, I like your thought.

Jay: I notice you’ve got your Air Jordans on.

Butler: These are Air Blordans.

Jay: I see. Knock offs.

Butler: No, these Blordans are authentic.

Jay: Your song “Wake Up” played during Super Bowl 46. How cool was that?

Butler: It was great to hear them play the song on loop for literally the whole game—for every set of downs, during and after every play, and over the entire halftime show performance.

Jay: What if I told you you could earn $20,000 a month working from home with this free, easy-to-use software?

Butler: Sounds like a scam to me, but I’m listening.

Jay: Steph Curry or LeBron James?

Butler: Kennard Winchester.

Jay: Favorite team?

Butler: I root for the underdog, so whoever forfeits for not having enough players the most.

Jay: Greatest dynasty?

Butler: Qin, 221-206 BC.

Jay: Have you seen the movie The Pest with John Leguizamo?

Butler: Not only have I seen it, I've programmed my phone so that it doesn't unlock unless I watch the entire film.

Jay: How did you and your wife Régine meet?

Butler: It’s funny actually, we sat next to each other on an airplane and hit it off, so I challenged her to one-on-one, schoolyard rules. It was a shut out.

Jay: Anything to say to the kids out there?

Butler: Roger, Bentley, Toblerone, Davey. It’s bedtime!

Jay: I’m weighing a run for state senate. Do I have your vote?

Butler: Absolutely not.

Jay: You know those little nerf hoops? I got one for the office. The guys and I will sit around and just shoot around and talk shop.

Butler: Sounds like a total blast. Awesome.

Jay: Hoop Dreams or Coach Carter?

Butler: I’ve only seen one movie and it’s John Leguizamo’s The Pest.

Jay: Please, I’m a sickly child, without mettle and in need of physic.

Butler: May you heal, my boy, may you heal and grow to be big and strong, as was your father and his father before him.

Jay: Last but not least, any championship predictions?

Butler: We’re gonna go all the way, baby, woo! Woo!

Jay: Well, Win, it’s been a real pleasure talking to you, and I wish you continued success with your group and with your family.

Butler: Thanks, but truth be told I’m not optimistic about the future. Have you read what these sci-fi authors are coming up with these days? Spooky stuff.

Jay: Come chat again soon.

Butler: Fuck you, I’m not for sale.

Win Butler has not been seen since I spoke with him for this interview. If you know of his whereabouts, please email me at eric.writer.turangalila@gmail.com.

Please vote in your state’s primary or attend your state’s caucus in support of Bernie Sanders.

[afterblogs-blog]

Culture Corner: A Conversation With Talking Heads’ David Byrne About Cycling

Culture Corner is a weekly segment which features interviews about athletics, exercise, and staying fit with people outside the world of sports. This week I sat down with legendary lead singer of Talking Heads and avowed cycling nut David Byrne.

Jay: Thanks for talking to me.

Byrne: I biked here.

Jay: You’re a vocal proponent of cycling as exercise and as a mode of transportation. What do you love about biking?

Byrne: I love the freedom it provides. I love that I can bike from my apartment to the grocery store, to the office, or to the stadium. I bike everywhere. I have no furniture in my home because I bike while at home, always. When I’m in a museum or some other crowded public place, I remain on my bike and pedal forwards and backwards rapidly so I don’t fall over. People tell me to get off, but fortunately bikes are very fast, so if they try to stop me I just ride away. Suckers.

Jay: I noticed you’re on your bike right now.

Byrne: It’s possible.

Jay: What sort of bike do you have?

Byrne: I have a Schwing.

Jay: You mean a Schwinn?

Byrne: No.

Jay: What attracted you to biking in the first place?

Byrne: As a boy I had a dream in which I rode a bike off of a very large cliff and survived. I woke up and thought, “Gee, that’s not a bad idea.” So I took my dad’s bike and decided to test whether the dream I had was a true dream. I biked over to Falmouth’s Cliff outside Baltimore and rode right off the cliff and landed with a thump. The bike was destroyed but I was completely unharmed. Not even a scratch. Since then I’ve done this many, many times and I’m never hurt. 

Jay: Do you think this is specific to biking?

Byrne: No, I did something similar with an airplane.

Jay: You’ve got an album called More Songs About Buildings and Food. How about a song about cycling?

Byrne: How ‘bout a song about lip kissin’? Now that’s a song.

Jay: This is embarrassing, but... can I get your autograph?

Byrne: Absolutely.

Jay: You can just make it out to the “Z-man”.

David signs a headshot of me.

Jay: You designed a series of bike stations in New York City. How did that come about?

Byrne: Well about six years ago the mayor of New York at the time, Michael Bloomberg, was this American business magnate, politician, and philanthropist. He served as the 108th Mayor of New York City, holding office for three consecutive terms beginning with his first election in 2001. With a net worth of $36.5 billion, he is the 10th richest person in the United States and the 13th wealthiest in the world.

Jay: That sounds right.

Byrne: Well, he approached me and asked if I would design a strange new device onto which people could somehow lock their bikes on the sidewalk. I thought, “This might just be crazy enough to work...” 

Jay: Anything cycling related planned for the future?

Byrne: I’m currently training for a transatlantic ride.

Jay: If you could hang out with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?

Byrne: Jesus, Gandhi, Einstein. The list goes on!

Jay: How do you feel about Citi Bike?

Byrne: Not a fan, to be honest. When I’m cycling and I see someone on a Citi Bike, I’ll repeatedly cut them off so that they bike into traffic and die.

Jay: You’re passionate about the environment. How can cycling help, say, address the effects of climate change?

Byrne: Get five, six hundred people in a room, throw them on stationary bikes, and hook them up to a generator. You’re telling me we couldn’t produce a couple hundred megawatts of power? 

Jay: How do you feel about folks who oppose bike lanes?

Byrne: I’m ambivalent. Honestly, I prefer to cut my brakes and ride in the middle of the street, shouting, “Look out!!!”

Jay: What if I told you you could earn $20,000 a month working from home with this free, easy-to-use software?

Byrne: Incredible. I’m sold.

Jay: Ever ride one of those bikes with one giant wheel and one tiny wheel?

Byrne: Would that I could, but those never actually existed.

Jay: I went to a carnival and there was a unicycling clown there. He was very good. Something tells me you would have liked it.

Byrne: That sounds good.

Jay: Favorite place to cycle?

Byrne: I like to attempt to outrun subway cars on my bike. I’ll get in front of the train and pedal as hard as I can and try to beat it to the station. It almost never works.

Jay: Lastly, is it true that cars were invented before bicycles?

Byrne: Yes, that is true.

Jay: Well, it was great talking to you, David. You look great and you’re doing great work. Keep on cycling!

Byrne: Thanks, but I don’t need your fucking approval.

[afterblogs-blog]

Chris Berman: “Howard Cosell announcing the death of John Lennon during the Patriots-Dolphins game in 1980 made me want to go into sports broadcasting. It was a profound moment. My dream since then has been to one day be able to announce the death of a Beatle during a Monday night football game myself.”

“I hope it happens soon,” he added.

[afterblogs-blog]

An Interview With BMX Star Matt Hoffman

Matt Hoffman is one of the few household names in extreme sports, and he is considered one of the greatest BMXers in history.  We caught up with the legend to talk sports, being a fan, and enjoying married life.

Jay: You’ve been out of the sport almost a decade now. What are you up to these days?

Hoffman: Still at it. I’ve got a vert ramp that I built in my backyard, and my son and I head out every weekend and I teach him tricks. Other than that, I’m mostly preparing for my new gig, as host of the Tonight Show. Jimmy Fallon is retiring from the Tonight Show and Stephen Burke has offered me the job. I’m assembling a writing staff and practicing monologues, mostly. I’m excited to get started.

Jay: Any hankering to return to the X Games after all this time?

Hoffman: I am very busy with preparation for the Tonight Show, for which I’ll serve as host. I’m currently auditioning people for my Tonight Show band. I’d like a bandleader with whom I can riff, but who won’t get in the way. Maybe Tom DeLonge or Mark Hoppus. I also plan to come out every night on my bike and do a 15 minute vert session before heading to the desk for interviews.

Jay: Are there any particular BMXers of whom you’re a fan?

Hoffman: I’d like to assemble a writing staff of bike nuts. I’d like to make lots of BMX jokes. A BMX joke I thought of goes like this: “I broke my arm the other day BMXing, which is sad because now my total is an odd number. So I broke the other arm to get it back even.” I’m tossing around stuff like that. The joke is that breaking your arm as a BMXer is no big deal. I’d like to write those sorts of jokes.

One thing the execs are on my case about is my lucky BMX helmet, which I plan to wear during the entire show every night. It’s almost impossible to hear me in it, so I have to speak very loudly, like this, [shouts], “Hello! How are you! I am Matt Hoffman! Who the heck are you?”

Jay: You recently got married. How are you enjoying married life?

Hoffman: I’d like the new show to feature a segment called “Biking Celebs” in which I teach a bunch of super hard tricks to celebs, and they all wipe out and it’s so funny. Imagine this: Jessica Biel wiping out trying to do a Christ Air on vert. That’ll go viral in no time. You kiddin’ me? How ‘bout Chris Rock shattering his tibia attempting a 720°? Now that’s good TV.

I’m thinking about changing the name of the show to The Bike Show with Matty H or something that’s a little more lighthearted. Aesthetic? Seapunk. Tom DeLonge on bass singing all the classics: Dude Ranch, Enema of the State.

Jay: Any advice for aspiring BMXers?

Hoffman: Keep at it and, who knows, you might get the chance to host the Tonight Show, too.

Matt Hoffman died immediately after concluding this interview.

RIP Matt Hoffman, 1972-2015

[afterblogs-blog]

Novak Djokovic: “Yes, I’m a man of faith. I believe in God. And I want to destroy him.”

Djokovic when asked how religion motivates him.

[afterblogs-blog]

Federer on his upcoming match with Novak Djokavic: "I strive to be a great tennis player only to make up for the great cowardice Switzerland has historically demonstrated in international affairs. We are a nation of great pusillanimity and I only hope that my many victories will overshadow the shame that I feel and that all the Swiss people ought to feel for their pacifism and neutrality, e.g. during WWII. Switzerland could have been a nation of war, conquest, lust, and destruction during the 20th century, and these are the ideals I embody in my tennis dominance, while eschewing notable Swiss traits like childlike weakness and pathetic cowardice. I carry with me the crippling shame and spiritual destitution of Swiss national character. I will never make amends for this horror, this cancer of the soul, nor for the childish temperament of Swiss leaders across the ages, nor for the pitiable life of the Swiss soldier who can never know the glory of triumph in battle or of selfless death in the face of defeat. He who is born under this flag will know only mediocrity and impotence."

“I’ll try to take it one game at a time on Sunday,” he added.

[afterblogs-blog]

An Interview With Chicago Bulls Star Pau Gasol

Pau Gasol has had an illustrious career in the NBA. Hailing from Spain, Gasol won the NBA championship with the Lakers in 2009 and 2010, before moving to Chicago for the 2014-15 season. I had the opportunity to talk to him before the game on Tuesday.

JAY: You’re no stranger to high pressure scenarios. How do you get into the zone on game-day?

PAU GASOL: Every day I wake up and start to cry, and I shout, “I play the sport that is older than God. I am more powerful than God for my sport of choice predates even His grace.” My wife always joins with me and we hug and cry and scream about the game that not even God had the strength to create for his powers were insufficient. I do this every morning for three hours and I am tempted to do it even more than that, to spite God in his infinite futility and to show that I play a sport created before even the events described in Genesis.

JAY: How is it playing against a superstar athlete like LeBron James?

GASOL: God is weaker than even the puniest ant. I have shown this because I have won more games than you can count on two of your hands. I pray each day for God to fall from His Perch in the Sky and challenge me to the Ancient Game, and for me to crush Him. He would do this were he not such a coward.

JAY: How’s that hamstring injury holding up?

GASOL: The Ancient Sport was created before the universe came into being but after the spontaneous creation of the celestial bodies, when extraterrestrial titans would toss planets into black holes like so much trash. God then created the universe to contain the truly omnipotent basketball playing titans, in His eternal weakness.

JAY: Jimmy Butler is having an excellent postseason. Have you given him any veteran advice given that you’ve been to the championship twice before?

GASOL: God is so weak that his arms flop around like raw meat and he is uglier than even the smelliest rodent. Do you hear me, Father? I challenge you. Hear my cries, God. You are too puny and sad to ever challenge a man of my abilities.

JAY: How’s Kobe Bryant as a teammate?

GASOL: He is a very nice guy.

Let’s see if Gasol can top the Cavs in the series. Best of luck, Pau!

[afterblogs-blog]

The Story of Dunbar “Barehands” Milton

Dunbar “Barehands” Milton played starting catcher for the Yankees from 1911-1914. He became famous for catching the ball with just his bare hands, and always shouting, “Yowwwwccchhh!” after each pitch.

“According to my grandfather, Dunbar used to just reach out and snatch the ball out of the air, totally gloveless,” said Pockethead Rickford, a retired minor league ticket salesman. “’Ooooh oooh, ouch ouch ouch!’ he’d say, juggling a hot pitch. ‘Yowza bowza, my hands are on fire!’ he’d shout. Because the pitches were so fast he always had fresh welts on his palms. He never got over the immense pain of catching without a glove.”

Milton was also known to use other parts of his body to stop errant pitches when his hands wouldn’t suffice, including his chest, his feet, and his forehead. “I remember once Dunbar stood up and rammed his head into the ball to stop it, the nut,” said Milton’s former teammate Richie “The Tongue” Malcolm, who is one-hundred fifty years old. “I’m so old I can’t even see a gosh darn thing and it’s makin’ me angry! That’s why they call me ‘The Tongue’, ‘cause I get so gosh darn mad about being so old and I ain’t afraid to tell people!”

“Dunbar’d come into the locker room all covered in welts, and he’d say, ‘Oochy mama, I hurt all over!’” Malcolm added. “He smelled like dirt and I hated the scumbug for it. But he was a damn good catcher, when he was healthy, which was almost never.”

Milton left the team in 1914 to fight in WWI, where he used his skill as a catcher to impress the German infantry during the regular pick-up soccer games that happened in the middle of battle. “Most people don’t know this, but WWI was basically a series of soccer games between Allied and Axis forces occasionally interrupted by fighting,” historian Ambrose Ambrose said. “Dunbar was a great goalie and won the Medal of Honor for taking his squadron to the championship game at the end of WWI. He played the Kaiser himself, they say, and then they went out for lunch afterward and ate sausages.”

“Even when playing soccer, you could hear Milton shouting out in pain because of the welts on his hands,” Ambrose added. “’Ooshy tooshy my hands feel mushy!’ he’d say. He didn’t give his hands enough time to heal. He was born to use those hands to stop projectiles.”

Milton died tragically after falling into a trash compactor in his home in 1921. Today he’s best remembered, perhaps ironically, for a brand of baseball glove that allegedly makes it feel like you’re not wearing a glove at all. “These gloves are top notch, feels like nothin’s there, get ‘em before they’re gone,” a man selling Milton’s trademark glove said.

“There will never be another catcher like Dunbar,” Pockethead Rickford later told me. “The game just isn’t played like it was back then, when players were praised for not using items that make their respective sports easier. Yep, it was a different time, assuming time is linear.”

“I’m so old I cough dust out of my lungs!” Malcolm butted in. “One-hundred fifty! Wowza! Now that’s old!”

Dirk Dirk Johnson will try to tell you he helped write this piece but he’s a goddam liar and you shouldn’t believe a word he says.

[afterblogs-blog]

Brady: "Nobody move, I lost a contact.”

Tom Brady discussing his technique for getting a free timeout when he’s tired 

[afterblogs-blog]

Sidney Crosby: “I can fit twenty, twenty-five hockey pucks in my mouth, easy.”

Crosby when asked about the biggest lie he ever told

[afterblogs-blog]

Federer: “If I hit the ball too hard it goes into the stands. If I hit the ball too soft it goes into the net. But if I hit it just right, well, you better watch out.”

Federer discussing the nuances of his game

[afterblogs-blog]

Chad Pennington: “What?”

“Why are you talking to me?” Pennington told reporters. “Is this a prank show? Why are you asking me my opinions?”

[afterblogs-blog]

Peyton Manning: “A right buggaroo, isn’t it? Right meddlesome, if you ask me. Oy, but I’m no Pittsfield man, meself, so what have I got to say that hasn’t been said?”

Manning weighing in on Deflategate in his trademark Cockney accent

[afterblogs-blog]

David Ortiz: “Look, I’ll admit it. The song ‘Pinball Wizard’ by The Who is written about me. I’m an absolute pinball fanatic and I will get all the high scores.”

Ortiz on his recent suspension

[afterblogs-blog]

Derrick Rose, What A Shot!

When Derrick Rose landed after nailing a three-pointer at the buzzer to fell the Cavaliers in game 3 tonight, he appeared to enter a state of complete physical and psychological dissociation.

“The game’s over, Derrick, we’ve gotta go,” teammate Jimmy Butler said, tugging at Rose’s jersey as the three-time all-star stood totally still like a statue. “Derrick the press is here to talk to you. The game is over. We gotta go.”

Rose, whose inconsistent play and frequent injuries have stirred controversy this season, did not respond to any reporters’ questions, and stood so still that he appeared to be frozen in time. When teammates picked him up to take him over to the sidelines, his body did not adapt to to the change in position.

“He looked like a porcelain man and he still does,” said teammate Joakim Noah, adding that Rose’s musculature does not appear to be capable of molding to different physical positions, like sitting or laying down. “He’s just standing still. Coach has been shouting incredibly loud into his ear, ‘Derrick, we did it, it’s time to go home,’ for the last hour, but Derrick doesn’t even flinch. He’s lost all reflex. His outside is hard as stone.”

Team doctors say that Rose is questionable for game 4 on Sunday. “We tried bonking him on the head and tossing him down a flight of stairs but he just sort of bounces around like a log,” Dr. James Madison told reporters. “We played his favorite songs, brought his entire extended family out to talk with him, and we’ve even had a group of men on rotation slapping him across the face for two hours to see if it would wake him up. When people slap him, his face does not follow the slapper’s hand.”

“His eyes are open though, and they’re staring straight ahead,” Madison added. “He can’t blink and those puppies are drying up like oatmeal, but he’s chosen to do this and there’s nothing we can do at this point but support him.”

Eight hours after tip-off Rose could still be seen standing expressionless and still in the team’s locker room.

That being said, wow, what a shot!