aidadigital

[aidadigital]

I want to win!

Good evening! Be kind to yourself. I will try to be kind to me also. I kinda wish there was a pill for being anxious and insecure LOL, I would take a drug to stop that feeling so quick! I think I just want to help my girlfriend whenever I see she's suffering from something, and when it's something I can't fix it feels discouraging. Especially when that thing is mood swings. Mood swings scare me, honestly. I've experienced them too. I guess I'm more scared of someone's mood souring on me. Swinging from violently in love to apathetic. But love isn't an emotion that does that. We may have our moments of less intensity, less passion, less attraction. Those may ebb and flow a bit, but there's always a base line with love. There's always a certain level of trust, security, understanding and affection that comes, even on the shittiest days where you just wanna punch a pillow and cry. I have felt really shitty and still loved my girlfriend. There's not been a moment since I first said I love you that i DIDN'T love my girlfriend, in fact. Trust she feels the same, man. Because she does. She's amazing, and you both can't be freaking out! Kidding, but seriously, she would do anything for you just as you would for her --- stop worrying about what her mood changes, struggles or grief means for her, and start working on how to help whether through constant affection or space! I love you, me. I know I don't always show it, and I know sometimes my brain goes evil for a bit and convinces myself I don't deserve anything. I work hard. I try to be good to people. I love my girlfriend and friends and try to show them love whenever possible. I am a good person, and even if I'm not perfect, I'm still deserving of love and kindness and good circumstance. Everyone who's human does, after all.

[aidadigital]

It's been a long ass time since I used this!

dope ass vibes so many bitches so much money nah I'm kinda in a weird headspace again as usual! I think it's just been an exhausting week and that fatigue is affecting me in other outlets too, so I should probably make some effort to write about it just to like! get it out of my system. It has been a bad week for drama/vibe nation of my friends and loved ones though. Best friend has been talking to his manipulative ex again, who contacted him after he blocked her in other ways. I be on my bullshit too! not as productive as i need to be, and staying off my one addiction basically lasted all of 24 hours (tmi moment I'm sure). gf is having a depressive state, that's probably a large part of it. it kinda sucks to realize that a majority of your insecurities and emotional aversions to stuff in a relationship are caused by one bad partner in the past. like you really underestimate the amount of damage one person can do to you until it happens. Maybe I give them too much power in hindsight. A lot of times when my current (amazing, beautiful, perfect) partner does normal things that an ex of mine would do, I get this larger sadness or irrational anxiety because I feel like I know what's gonna happen. When my ex went silent for a day or two after expressing some sadness, it meant a breakup was coming. It meant a dialogue about how I'm not attractive. i think that stuff really batters someone's self-esteem; mine probably wasn't super high prior. I'm very lucky in that my girlfriend is arguably the best person I've ever met. I know she's got an extremely busy week, I know she's been struggling with motivation issues herself and I know she loves and cares about me.

...which is why it's upsetting that i get clingy or suddenly anxious of an impending breakup whenever the constant 24/7 comms randomly diminishes (for like 48 hours max, usually). I shouldn't become spontaneously paranoid of a breakup, or feel that some bad is destined to happen to me. It's just manifesting bad things for no reason! But truthfully, valentines has never been that great for me. I've been dumped and ignored on Valentine's Day, I've been groomed, I've just...never had a normal positive experience then. Granted, a lot of my relationships frankly never made it to that day, but of the ones that did it never went well. So I'm scared. It's like the last scary hump for me. I just want it to go really, really well so I can show myself that shit is behind me. i was a kid. sometimes an emotionally immature kid. sometimes a kid who dated people who were very, very bad for me. I have better judgement now. I know my partner and I trust her. everything will work out.

I'm sorry I'm feeling this way.

[aidadigital]

give me the strength to change the things I can control, and the wisdom to accept that which I can't

Long distance does not do well for me, which to me shows signs of clingyness and, therefore, insecurity. To be fair I think I've been really stressed ever since the internship debacle. I feel not enough, palpably. It sits really negatively with me that my professor actively didn't recommend me. And I think a real concern of mine is not keeping pace with my girlfriend. We graduate the same time --- a little over a year from now --- but she's just always so much more ahead. Ahead in classes, ahead in opportunities, she's just... a mix of more talented and luckier, I think. Maybe she's a more charismatic interviwee than I. She's definitely a more skilled reporter. If I want everything to work out between us I need to be on the top of my game, arguably better than the top. 110% output at all times to catch up and meet pace, to be able to get a job, to not have to worry about everything. I'm really scared I'll fuck everything up. There is this position my brain takes that I'm not a fan of, but kinda sits in the back of my head. "Things are going well now, so that means things have to get really bad soon." I have nightmares of one of us cheating on the other. I sit anxious and insecure that she's going to tell me she's not really feeling anything anymore, or that she wants to breakup. I'm afraid that if I'm not at my absolute best at any given moment, I'm going to fuck up and our relationship will be over as a result. I really like this girl. I really, really like her --- in a "I see myself marrying her one day" kind of way. There's a certain type of love that feels omnipresent, like a blanket that covers your entire body. The kind of love where you go to the store, see a flower and remember it's her favorite, snapdragons. The kind where you go to a coffee shop and imagine cracking a joke about how caffeine would kill her, the kind where every love song and every romcom is somehow about her and you now. The kind where you sometimes wish you could just fast forward and hold her in your arms, where every night spent with her feels like a dream. I am my own person, one of value to the world, my career, my partner and my friends. I am a good listener. I am good at responding with empathy. I can be good at writing at times. I'm not skilled in much, but when I'm passionate about something I pour my whole being into it. I need to remember these things. If I fear losing my girlfriend I need to pour more passion into giving the best me I can to her! If I worry about my career I need to keep working. If I worry my own anxieties are clouding good moments in my life, I need to meditate and think. I get freaked out incredibly easily, to the point I worry about being a shooting victim in a crowded area, or worry about being arrested even when I'm doing nothing wrong. The anxiety I face is real, and it will probably stick with me in some form forever; I've always worried and over analyzed. This can be used to my benefit, though. It allows me to be thoughtful, and while a real, palpable feeling, I know it's also *just* a feeling. Me stressed my girlfriend hates me because she sometimes responds slow (actually a good thing, she's spending time with her family!) is just my brain being bored and idly crafting problems. All is well, and I also trust her that even if something wasn't well, she'd be willing to tell me. In the end, I try to rest on the laurels of the cliche --- give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to control what I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

also in extremely rare instances there's some wonders of genderqueerness LOL but i think its less i am trans and more I like indulging in feminine things from time to time idk we can tackle that another day!