ajourneyinbioinformatics

[ajourneyinbioinformatics]

The journey of getting back my academic spark

I'm currently working on my Master's thesis in Bioinformatics and completely lost my spark. What do I mean by that? Over the last year, I have found my place. My nice in the science community but more importantly the nice I want to work in for the rest of my life. I'm only 24, or already 24 depending on the perspective, but I am so certain that I, in fact, found MY place. Until it was taken away from me, leaving me bitter, alone, and empty.

disclaimer: English is not my first language. I'm really sorry for any spelling and grammatical mistakes. Please don't be too harsh on that.

I've been working on my thesis for about a year now. After I finished all classes in February I even decided to carry on a project I'd started during a class in my free time. Just continuing to work for a prof (unpaid and unofficial) because I loved it so much and still saw so many cool things within this project. Also since February, I've worked really intensely on my Thesis including weekly meetings with my supervisor. No break since the summer of 2023. And I loved it. I loved it so much. Most days I woke up, turned on my notebook during the first morning coffee and started working. Small breaks for daily life stuff and working till early morning. Sleep and wake up early to continue working. No weekends. No holidays. Working genuinely brought me joy. It was like my own little safe space. When I tried to hunt down bugs in my code nothing else mattered. And the moments when hours or even days of troubleshooting finally paid off are indescribable. This is MY thing. I thought about these projects while showering, walking the dogs, and sitting on the train. Nothing else mattered. I call that my spark. Both Profs I've worked closer with always said they admired the joy I bring to work. And both independently brought up the possibility of doing a PhD. I previously never thought that would be an option for me. Like yes, I love my work but I'm not good enough. Or am I? I dared to dream about it. Maybe only maybe this could be something for me. I was even more motivated. Motivated by promises of being allowed to do what I love so much and even get paid for it. Promises of being good enough. Constantly getting praised for my work. My supervisor was even telling me that he was concerned that I worked too much. That I never seem to be proud of my work. That it's never good enough for me. Other Master students in the department told me how my profs praised me in front of them too. This was the point where I started to hate it. I stopped believing them whenever they told me my work was good. But I continued to do my best. Not believing their feedback. Just doing the absolute most because I genuinely started to think I could actually get a PhD position. If I just get better maybe I would be good enough for a position there. Still getting so much joy from my work. I did everything for the possibility of being allowed to continue it. Well jokes on me. Now the students that started with me are finishing their thesis. Sending out applications for PhD positions. And I? Well I sit here feeling nothing but disgust when I think about work. Every time I try to start the same words echo through my head. 'I would love to let you sign a contract right now but I just hired 4 other students', 'I would immediately offer you a position but my contract doesn't allow it', 'There is no founding left', 'I don't know why I didn't think about you for this position'. Yeah me neither. But I guess there was no point cause I was already doing the work for free. Now I'm sitting here, nowhere near finishing my Thesis. He wants to add more to it. Make it worth publishing. I get that. But I feel like my time is running out. I get more empty promises. 'I will write you a letter of recommendation and send it next week.' That was over a month ago. 'I will talk to a pi and schedule a meeting. You would fit perfectly in that team.' He never mentioned it again. I think I still love my work. But I'm disgusted by it. I know that every email I send, and every result I present, will get praised endlessly. It makes me sick. They have to lie to me. If I were that good I wouldn't be the only one left behind. Always an afterthought.

I honestly don’t think they have any ill intent. Especially my thesis supervisor. I really could not wish for anyone better than him! He’s super understanding and supportive. He’s the one concerned for me. I think he just forgets about some promises. He doesn’t deserve to have a student who doesn’t feel joy for their work anymore.

It starts to really affect my mental health. I don't feel joy anymore. I am just really empty. And I want to change that. I have to change that. I will try to document my journey here. Even if nobody reads that. Maybe one day a student stumbles across these words and feels seen. And maybe, just maybe, they will be able to read a story of overcoming these struggles and get to a happy end. To my happy end. And maybe that can give someone hope. Take away the feeling of being alone with these struggles. Also maybe I can hold myself accountable with this. I have to work through this down to post about my progress. I have not lost hope yet. I can get my spark back. I have to get my spark back. I will feel this joy again when working. I am not giving up yet