ajsleeper-blog

[ajsleeper-blog]

The pit of anxiety at the bottom of your stomach when your momma calls crying. She's trying to stand up, but the legs tremble too much to house a good foundation. All I can do is listen to the struggle in her voice as she prepares each word. Like a sword being driven through your core by last person you wanna see on Earth. My eyes try to stare away from the words in my anatomy textbook. But I need to do something to make my mom proud. I want her to know that her very existence to make my life easier isn't going to waste. But the cries for my sister to be aware of that just seem unbearable. I'm in total shock of what will happen next - is it my fault that I didn't influence her for the better? I'm not sure how I will finish the week, but I can do this. I did this 3 times already in my life.

[ajsleeper-blog]

My mind paces back and fourth as I sit here. Anxiety built up as if I have something to fear. No beer in the fridge, no getting over this bridge, I am living underneath a glass floor. In your natural disaster, I hope the floor never shatters, because you deserve better than that. Lost in the dark like a bat, all I could listen to was the pestering tap. Although it came once in a while, it bit harder than any crocodile Steve Erwin had encountered. Louder and louder does my mind scream. Screaming "Come back" to the girl I had been dreaming of. With a fierce shove I need to hide these emotions. Because if the high tide comes rollin, my simping ocean will never stop like perpetual motion. Your lotion soft skin, your sideways grin, and your cutest puppy look opened up my book that told my life plot from the bottom of the pot. 

But you've grown up, and so I must too. I just hope these feelings I have are true. I hope I hadn't lied to myself and forced myself to think you were the one. Did I jump the gun? Did I waste my run? or did I run out of fun?

It's like our paths crossed only for a fraction of a second. You gave it your all, and thats what I'm left with. I'm left with the remembrance of your aura inducing trance that involuntarily makes every guy glance. I hope you know in your world of sorrow, I'm over here hoping you still have some heart for me that I'd like to borrow. Or maybe even forget to give it back, because the way I feel like there's something I lack, I feel like it was because I had hopped off your track.

idk if you read any of this, but sorry for being so simpy. I'll get over you soon, even though I dont want you to let me.

[ajsleeper-blog]

Final Unsent Letter

I want to congratulate you, especially all youve been through and all you're gonna go through in the future. You are seriously one strong strong woman that deserves the best. And I didn't make it evident enough that you weren't settling with me. But above all else, I'm so so happy for you and what you're gonna encounter in your future endeavors. I realize that I kept pushing towards having a title because I wanted to reveal my truest of feelings without having the worry of it not being reciprocated. I wanted to feel like you really wanted me there. But it's too late now, and I feel the emotions moving on. But now that the dust is settling, it's safe to say that I did love everything about you, right until the very end. Even the last arguments, because I haven't met anybody else that could beat me in my own game. Your indecisiveness was a true test for my feelings for you, and I even knew that it was. And in my life full of fucking up and unlucky ways, I now have my first regret of college, and that was letting you slip away. 

[ajsleeper-blog]

Cliche

Cliche

[ajsleeper-blog]

I just can't

As I wait for a text or call, my anxiety builds more pressure than Niagara Falls. A subtle tremble in my gait, and I cannot wait until this emotion subsides. Yuknfiddtindstbcsykn

[ajsleeper-blog]

Tears down my face while my heart is racing. I'm sitting down because my legs tremble too much for me to be pacing. I wish you knew how much trust I had in you, like how I was stuck in the under-aged igloo while you ventured to west Nevada. I wish I had the time to write these feelings down before, but busy I was and I couldn't let any time pass through the door. I now realize that you can't fuck up too many times, because the girl of your dream will run out of tries. Really though why am I so dumb?

Lesson officially learned: A relationship is between two people; don't let outside forces consume you.

[ajsleeper-blog]

Its almost May

How do I argue the value of my trust in you when its too late? I really had let you in under my skin. In the relationship where we didn't see it begin, I felt the outside caving in. I guess I should have talked to you more about it, because I certainly could not hold them back on my own. You've made me feel like a king, and now I must continue to sing as I step down from my throne. Lone after the dust has settled, I am left here feeling more anxious than the whistling tea kettle. It was a dream for this to all begin, but now that my dream girl has woke up, I must sleep again.

[ajsleeper-blog]

Mwuahhhh

Your kiss has left me in an abyss. But not of despair, but of the lovely wear and tear that you leave on me each day. I can say I don't think about you on the reg, but even when I'm tryna break a leg in dancing, it's only you that I can feel glancing.

[ajsleeper-blog]

From pieces to peace

How can I describe this perfect weekend? Where just one kiss left me weakened. How can I describe the wide array of emotions I've felt in the past 72 hours? Powerless and unstoppable almost simultaneously. After walking dead brainlessly,you effectively resurrected me. & once again you exceeded my expectation. You succeeded in helping me remember why I'm in this. And if timing doesn't allow us to last, I'm willing to make a life bet, that whatever happens with you won't be something I'll regret.

[ajsleeper-blog]

Curiosity Killed the Cat

It was wrong, to go snooping along and as I stumbled upon the mess, I tried to imagine you in that white dress. But stress came onto me as I realized you probably dont even like me. Maybe you do, maybe an ounce, but not enough to pounce on any of my fatal accounts.

It fuuuucking sucks, to know that you'd look away at a grain of salt if I were to be hit by a big big truck. But I guess its my fault, I let my hormones take control, while my common sense went to a halt. So now I'm really really just gonna do me, fantasize about Levy while I dance to the beat. The beat of my heart was just a start to something that could be, that phrase meaning - for my shoulder is here for you to lean, but seeing as you're on another team, all I can do is follow your dress seams of the wrong wedding dream.

[ajsleeper-blog]

Counting down

As the year comes to a close, here's a cheers to those, who have stood next to me as I rose to what I am today. I came back here to say, that I know that I said I'd stay. "Through thick and thin, through strength and whim," I can now safely say I committed the most awful sin. God's gift of love in the form of a dove, flew underneath my nose. In fact, I chose, chose the wrong path and now I'm laying is waste as I spectate the backdraft. Somebody throw me a life raft because according to my calculations and graphs, my life isn't going to matter like 8th grade math. The only consistent one in my life, who I proclaimed to be my future wife has moved on. Again I say, I was in the wrong.. If only I could write the perfect love song that could explain the residual effects of you. The seepage of sorrow is something you wished you could borrow, but its your love that I stole. Stole and never gave enough back, romance is something I didn't lack, but my passion was fading as I was tired of waiting. I wanted to be with you, but be somewhere at the same time. Its like the flow of these rhymes are gonna heal my pain in time, but in reality I'm just too brave to bury myself in my own grave. I don't wish for you back because you're happier now. But I wish for the warmness you gave me as I saw your face. The warmness I felt as I took a whiff of your grace. The warmness I felt as I held your waist as we peered into the night sky and bayou. By you I'll always stand, whether it be back on that beach in the sand or when you found yourself a new man. But standing is such the paradox. As I'm whimpering on my knees, begging you please to come back. Not you exactly, just the warmness. As I'm standing next to you in the cold, I hope itll get old and the warmness come back to me.

[ajsleeper-blog]

Every Preceding Christmas and Birthday

seem to not even matter. The years pass as I get sadder and sadder. I say something hoping to flatter, but all I got was shot down and splattered. You shattered my hope as you cut my safety rope while I tried to traverse this slippery slope. I try to live this new culture scene, but I'm getting dragged down into this drugged dream. I cant seem to piece everything together. But I hope this all was meant to happen, the drugs, the debt, watching the ekg flatten. 

[ajsleeper-blog]

It must have been a fluke

To get this chance while under the lights listening to laid back luke. I cannot suffice, the way we held each other not once or twice, but thrice times. Each sway to the beat left my starstruck and numbness in my feet. The butterfly fleet causing the goosebumps to creep left me at the top of everest's peak. Maybe I could have gotten a chance, if I took the step after the glance. I'm stuck in a world of romance, where the last dance is just me and my laughs. 

[ajsleeper-blog]

Haven't written in a while, feeling like nothings on file.

I've been living life like I'm in a murder trial. The grin on the devil's chin as he watches me sin should never begin. But November's a new month, where I can show my triumph and stay away from the cocaine bumps. No I haven't railed yay, but when presented with the x I couldn't get away. These feelings are temporary, right? The way she held my hand tight changed my insight on who's heart deserved the fight. But days went on, got faded off the bong, and each second seeing her, I felt like everything went wrong. My life is getting torn apart, the big warm heart is getting colder than ant arc. 

[ajsleeper-blog]

clearly haven't been a puppy before^ tiles are so hard to balance on. 

[ajsleeper-blog]

can't believe I'm reblogging something EDM 

porter robinson & zedd; generation next.

[ajsleeper-blog]

looks like a massacre