alaska333cherry - Tumblr blog

[alaska333cherry]

"And you wrote bad checks just to fill your arm I was young enough, I still believed in war"

[alaska333cherry]

psychic alaska

This may be my schizophrenia acting up again, but I genuinely feel like there is hole in the matrix right now. All my thoughts are coming true, and im scared of accidentally thinking of something bad. Like 2 days, ago - I thought what if this couple broke up, (together 3 years and planning a long future ahead) and what if my friend were to call me right at that moment (she calls me twice a year in a good year.) About 10 minutes later - bam, she calls me saying they broke up. Next hour, I think about my mom not verbally abusing me by going on a bender. Granted, this happens a lot - but it happened within 5 minutes of thinking it. I dont know what is going on, there have been more examples but I dont want to out myself because what if it goes away? is it a blessing or a curse? Thats the age old question.

[alaska333cherry]

part of what i love about this is that its a personal diary that i can vent to without worrying people i dont want to worry. I dont think anyone reads my page so if someone is then skip this post because it will be fucked up and triggering. i have been laying on the floor for the past 24 hours in my own urine drenched in it without my medication in a locked room after i got beat up and stabbed and i dont know what to do its been long and its still open and theres a razor blade that i keep with me and im considering ending it all right now. mr room has been emptied so its just me in my piss and i seriously cannot do this im too fucking done if this is my life then why am i here i cant

[alaska333cherry]

stitches

I hate my mother. Let's start there. It's not teenage angst it's not for petty reasons. She is an abusive narcissist bitch that unfortunately cannot be stopped. This morning we got into an argument, her sharp talons she calls nails - scratched my thigh and it has not stopped bleeding since. It's been 8 hours. this isn't an ordinary scratch. it looks like the self harm cuts i've done where it was one small stretch away from it being an open wound. Right now it's a semi-open wound and I dont know what the fuck to do. It hurts like hell and it has not closed up. If I tell someone about it, they'll call DCF again, and then shit will blow up and then they cant do anything about it but everything will get so much worse because now she's more pissed and I'll suffer the consequences. If I decide to go to the hospital because it got worse, and I tell them it was self harm - I'll be locked up again! Ive been to about 5 rehabs, 1 wilderness program, and 8 different psych wards/ mental hospitals. All were hell but not worse than my mother. I'm so close to graduating so I cannot fuck it up. Not like last time.

[alaska333cherry]

[alaska333cherry]

I relapsed and im mad at the world

Why deprive me of my drugs and alcohol. I am the best I could ever be. This has been the first time i've been happy since the day my school forced me to get sober. Obviously I haven't been sober since then, Ive just been better at hiding it. Just like Elliott Smith said in Twilight "But the drugs you got won't make you feel better, pretty soon you'll find it's the only, little part of your life you're keeping together." God I love that song. it's insane how much I relate to that song. I love Elliott Smith so much that his music has taken control of my life, and it sounds like my life too. Point is that I am never getting sober. I've said this an insane amount of times, but no matter how many times I say it or plaster it on a t-shirt, no one gets it. It's always "You need to try harder" or "Use your resources to help you" but no one ever gets it! I am seriously never ever getting sober. I either die and be sober or alive and not be sober. to be alive and sober is like saying I want to breathe without oxygen. Not possible. Probably an exaggerated example but to me, this is how I view my substances. Like oxygen. no one gets between me and my baby.

[alaska333cherry]

5-day rehab

Last week I went to this janky ass rehab in this town that my grandpa lives in. My parents are originally from this country, and it can be extremely beautiful - but nontheless it's still a third world country. It's no disneyland, but living there can be pretty magical. I didn't get to live that magical part - instead I was sent to a rehab with 2 walls, plastic stools and no bathroom. We slept on dirt, and stray animals (not just dogs and cats - full on livestock) on staring down at us as we woke up. The so called therapy we went through was going various places of worship to pray the sin out of us. I think we went to more temples than the amount of meals we were given. On the last day I saw my grandpa who could not care less about me being there. I spent my spring break in a hot and painful facility I didn't need to be at. Im a drug addict and alcoholic for sure - but im not even doing too bad right now. Im almost sober. My dad definetly used this as another power move because he was mad that I was talking to the counselors about what goes on at home. Because theyre looking at him more closely, he has to get creative in ways that he expresses his hatred for me. He booked a first class one way trip, while I got a economy class seat with a layover over 6 hours worth. He got put up in a fancy hotel and went out with his friends everyday, I got a rehab with no walls. I survived it though, and I feel absolutely nothing. This doesn't even come close to all the shit he's done to me, so i'm kind of indifferent. It just sucked knowing everyone else had a great spring break.

[alaska333cherry]

Been a while

I managed to convince my principal that I should be able to finish my senior year out and not be left alone in a horrible household because of my bipolar disorder which is ironic since the school I go to is for people with issues including mental health. But i'm back! a lot of the teachers kind of look at me like a puppy with 3 legs - but my hot teacher cares about me more so I guess that's a plus. I also started to like this guy in my grade - all year i've been hearing that he likes me which I still don't know if it's true. I liked him too but I was confused if I really did or not. I think I was scared of admitting it to myself because every time I decide I like a guy something bad happens and they suddenly hate me. I found out that I really liked him over my month long suspension, and immediately after, I find out he has a longterm girlfriend that he's going to join the Navy with. what the actual fuck. And then when I came back, he no longer talks to me atl all. it's like he's scared of me ever since I tried to kill myself. It hurts because he's replaced me with my close friend. They joke around all the time like we used to and now hes asking where she is at lunch. I may be exaggerating but this is not what I needed right now.

[alaska333cherry]

"You are a danger to everyone around you" - my principal to me at one of my lowest

[alaska333cherry]

guilt

I contacted about 3 people while I was actively commiting suicide which probably wasn't the best idea but I wanted to feel less alone during my final moments. I tried my best not to tell them I was about to kill myself but somewhere along the line when the drugs started taking over it slipped out. I sent the texts and right after I fell unconsious. I genuinely thought this time it would stick and I would die because of what went down, when I woke up in the hospital bed I knew I fucked up in contacting those people. They obviously being good friends told someone and now im alive, even if I shouldnt be. Im mad at myself not for the event itself, because I wish I went harder in my actions so that I wouldnt have to be blurting my life out on here. Im mad that I let those people be involved in this, and now they are sad and confused and feeling awful because I made them part of this as soon as I texted them. They didnt deserve that. They dont deserve to have to be dealing with something so extreme. It shouldnt be their problem. And now I probably traumatized them because I was too stupid and selfish to think about how this could affect them. I had no right to do that and I feel so bad. I want to apologize but I dont want to disturb them more. Ive done enough to them for a lifetime and i wish they knew how sorry I was. Next time Ill be less of an asshole.

[alaska333cherry]

When life gets hard I think about how I snuck a full bottle of vodka up my vagina. Life doesn't seem so hard anymore.

[alaska333cherry]

failure

I lied when I said the new date was the 13th of feb, instead it became the 9th as a result of an impromptu decision caused by my suspension at school. I got caught with alcohol and drugs again, and when your school knows you're an addict they take that shit seriously. I was feeling suicidal from suspension - which is pretty fucking weak for me. You'd think after getting kicked out of 3 schools and 2 rehabs that Id be used to this shit but apparently I never learn. Im still alive so I failed yet again. I got stitched in my arm and I feel like Frankenstein but not in a hot way. My teacher found me in my secret hideaway covered in Blood and Bacardi. Maybe I should name one of my songs that. She got covered in Blood too and the paramedics came. I feel horrible for that. I have no clue if I'll be allowed back at school. I fucked up. If I just let it be and ride out my suspension I couldve been back in two days. Now I dont even know if they want me back at all. I only had a couple months left until graduation. That meant a lot. I repeated years already and I wasnt looking to restart again. Is restarting even an option? I dont know. All I know is I fucked up.