alexis-nichole-blog

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When things were going good...

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Currently

Currently it is July 7th, 2016. I still think about him, the night I lost my virginity, the funny memories, the serious ones…. I think about what we could have been if he weren’t a cheater. I’ve thought about these things everyday since we’ve been apart. It seems like everything reminds me of him. The last few days he has texted me and told me he misses me. Before summer school ended I wrote him a letter and he actually wrote me back. He told me how he wishes things could have been different and that he wants to work things out. I can’t. I can’t work things out with him. Not now. Maybe a long time from now when we are both older and he becomes mature, I might give him a last chance to redeem himself. That’s if we haven’t both found someone because we didn’t want to wait on somthing that might never work. I do miss him but I won’t continue to hurt myself by taking him back only for the same thing to happen again. I do love him. “Forever and always superman” [written 7/7/16]

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The Ending

A month went by and we hadn't talked to or even looked at eachother. We hadn't texted eachother. Nothing....... Close to the middle of March he texted me. He told me how he knew he'd fucked up and again how sorry he was. Again I believed him... I thought if it's been a month and he still wants me maybe he really does care. He had met a girl named Kaila the month we were seperated. And they were sort of a thing I guess. When we started talking again he told her, but she didn't really care and neither did he. It did upset me because I thought we were trying to work things out. Since we weren't actually together I couldn't really do anything about it. Late one night (March 13, 2016) I had told him I couldn't take it anymore. I just felt like dying. Everything I had put so much effort into was gone. He told me not to do anything stupid and that he was going to come over to talk to me.... at 2 in the morning (technically a Monday morning). He did. He snuck out of his house to come see me. He lives pretty far from where I live, but he came anyways. He rode his bike all the way to my house in the cold. We talked for a long time. We talked about us and we talked about random things. We goofed around a lot. Then it got more serious. He looked at me and told me how much he loved me. That night I lost my virginity to him. (he had only ever had sex with one other person) It was an experience I will never forget. If I didn't actually love him I would have never done that, but I did, so it happened. Neither of us had slept in over 24 hours because we had to go to school that same morning. The whole day he acted kind of different and I figured maybe it's just because he's tired or what had just happened. At the end of last period he told me he was just going to get straight on the bus. He got out the door before I did, but I knew which bus was his and where he sat. As soon as I walked out of the door and looked up at his bus I saw it happen. With my own two eyes I watched him kiss another girl. In that moment I couldn't breathe. It was like I was living in a bad dream I couldn't escape. It was over..... we were finally done.... [written 7/7/16]

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Shortly After That

Sometime in January after his birthday we had another falling out… It was because he had a “bestfriend” named Sadie…. I didn’t approve of this and I hadn’t when we first got together. I talked to this girl multiple times, but it didn’t seem to matter. My bestfriend was at the same bus stop as him and she told me he was always all up on this Sadie girl because she started going to his bus stop instead of her own…. finally I just got tired of it and broke up with him. I couldn’t take it. I didn’t want to be someones second choice. It was hard. I cried uncontrollably for days. I tried to stop, but I just couldnt. I would lay in bed and think about all the memories we have together and end up crying more knowing it was just a waste of time. I would try to sleep, but It didn’t help because he was now in all of my dreams. Still till today, when I think of him I can hear his voice. I can see his smile and hear his laugh. I can see his gorgeous hazel eyes staring into mine when our noses are almost touching before we kiss. Everything….. I tried to delete the album with all of the cute messages and pictures of him and us, but I couldn’t. I still cant. Everytime I read them I just sit there wondering if anything he ever said to me was true. Did he really love me? Was he always going to be there for me? Did he ever actually want to be together forever? All of these questions are unanswered…. even though he says it’s true how do I know he really meant it? It’s still weird waking up everyday not reaching for my phone to say goodmorning, not getting to look into those stunning eyes, not feeling the warmth of his fingers between mine, not feeling our lips touch any longer. There was no more of that left. Not even a hug. We just sort of ended….. [written 7/7/16]

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His smile was contagious.... and his laugh was irresistible.

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His 15th birthday

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The Middle

After he cheated on me the first time I thought maybe he really can fix this…. little did I know the whole relationship was going to end up being a rollercoaster of emotions. Not in a good way though. All the time he would send me pictures of one of his female friends (that I insisted he shouldn’t have) and say “bae” or somthing suggesting he likes her just to make me mad to fuck with me. And honestly it really did. He would eventually tell me he was just kidding…. sometimes. I learned just to ignore him whenever he did this. That was the only thing that seemed to get him to stop. Ignoring him was the key to getting his attention. I didn’t ignore him all the time, but if he said somthing I found offensive or he joked with me about liking other girls, yes, I ignored him. He was (and still is)overly childish………….. January 17th was his birthday. He was turning 15. I had never been to a boyfriends house because I was never really that into the whole “serious boyfriend” thing because I figured it wouldn’t work because of my dad. I asked my mom if I could go to his house and suprisinyly she said I could. He had never had a girl at his house before and I had the wonderful privilege of meeting a lot of his family at the same time. Mom, grandparents, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles….. it was uncomfortable at first because I’m shy and he was constantly venturing off through his house while I sat there watching his little cousin be weird and made small talk with his uncle. I had gotten him a card and Chrome cologne for his birthday, but I had bought a few things for him before, like a welding t-shirt and confederate flag wallet. I can still remember him struggling to get the box of cologne out of the bag. I’m pretty sure he was just nervous that I was with him and his family now knew who I was. After everyone had left I stayed to hang out with him. We sat in the back room where a smaller tv was and played video games and watched stupid Donnie baker videos…. Just being in his company made me happy. After I had went home that night he texted me and said “that was one of the best nights I’ve ever had” so I knew my company made him happy also……. [Written 7/7/16]

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2 Months in

We were crazy over eachother. Constantly texting eachother and Meeting after every class. The only time we could see eachother was during school because my dad hated the fact I had a boyfriend because he didn’t want anything bad to happen because I’m his only little girl…. We were always sending long meaningful texts to eachother randomly. He would send me the sweetest goodmorning and goodnight texts. When we were together my cheeks hurt because he constantly made me smile. Just looking at him made me happy. He would say stupid or corny jokes all the time, but I never got tired of hearing them. He made my life better. I became a happier person. I felt like God had given me the best blessing in the world. He was everything I had ever found attractive. The perfect smile, well built, not too tall, amazing laugh, gorgeous eyes, always smelt good, southern accent…. everything about this boy seized to amaze me. I was satisfied. I wanted to have this boys children one day and marry him. He was more of the “bad boy” type, but I didn’t really care because I had fallen in love with him…… He texted me late one night and confessed to me that he had kissed another girl. I was irate. Imagining his lips on another girl killed me. Before we got together I asked him if he had ever cheated or if he would ever cheat. His reply was “no” and I believed him. Because I belive you have to have trust and honesty in a relationship. He was honest, but I hated it in a way. We were only broken up for a day or two. I ignored all of his texts for a whole day until he finally texted my bestfriend to text me…. I can still remember her texting me “text _____ back before he has a hernia” lol…. so I did. He had texted me so many times. He texted a long paragraph about how much he loved me and how sorry he was. He promised me he would never do it again. I believed him…. That was the first mistake I had made in this relationship....... [written 7/6/16]

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When we first got together....

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How it First Started

I was in my third period class (nutritional wellness) baking cookies and he had texted me that he was walking by…. He was a little rebel and spent most of his time roaming the halls instead of actually being in class. When I seen him pass I decided I would go out there. My teacher was helping some other students in the class so I didn’t think she would notice and even if she did she’s a real sweet old lady… We talked for a few minutes and then there was a pause. Every time I was face to face with this boy my heart pounced and I could hardly swallow, but this time it was different, i was even more nervous. I could tell by the look in his eyes exactly what he was going to ask me. And he did. He asked me to be his girlfriend. All I could do at first was smile, but I hugged him and said yes. Before we became official I had asked him so many questions I knew a lot about him. His favorite color is camo, he hunts with a compound bow, his since of humor, that he raced cars and go carts ever since he was four years old, I knew all his classes in order, when his birthday was, his middle name, his dogs name, how much he loved to weld, his siblings names, that his parents were seperated….. He seemed perfect. Like someone I could see myself being with for the rest of my life. Someone I could have kids and grow old with. He became my bestfriend…… [written 7/6/16]

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The Beginning of an Ending

August 20, 2015 was the first day I had talked to someone that I didn’t know was going to end up meaning so much to me…. It started out just talking about casual things, stupid questions, and joking around. As we became more like friends he started being flirtatious. I had known previously before ever talking to him that he liked me because my friend told me that he said “she’s hot”….. I’m a shy girl and was never in a serious relationship that I actually cared about or thought about the future with my significant other. So the fact I had never met this boy in person made things a little out of the ordinary for me, but I decided maybe it’s time for a change in my life since I’m becoming a young woman. Eventually I started to flirt back by saying simple things like complementing his appearance or personality. He was funny, handsome, and we shared a lot of similar interests. I took a liking to him after talking for a few days. August 25th I met him in person. He was taller than I thought he was and even more handsome and well built in person than in his pictures. We didn’t say much to eachother because we were both shy and didn’t really know what to say. I had no clue he even went to my school before we had started talking. I keep to myself, hang out with few people, and try not to make eye contact with anyone so that’s probably why I had never noticed him. He was a 14 year old freshman and I was a 15 year old sophomore at the time….. [written 7/6/16]