alexisthinksalot

[alexisthinksalot]

to: my other half

theres alot of things i dont tell you bcs you’ll gun it down in the moment.

for example:

i want to cancel our minecraft realms bullshit & get gym membership ....

if i were to tell you that now , you’d say “hell nah. how bout we cancel and thats it.”

but watch me catch you in a good mood , where youre the one talking about getting memberships & then i’ll ‘pitch the idea’ , “since we dont use realms lets cancel that and get memberships for the gym!”

& BAM ! thats my philosophy on you.

[alexisthinksalot]

well , i’m up , 5:34am

staurday, november 30

its so early.

i’m in the RV

tired as hell. but cant sleep bcs my stomach problems. i think im home sick.

i remember that last night i said “I’m breaking up with you” to Raul.... not really meaning it ... but ...

if i really didnt mean it, would i have said it at all ?

i get he’s busy; but any body who has time; will make time for the things that matter most to them.

Raul coulve at least texted me when he got home yesterday after work n he never did ubtil i said something. & before that ... he didnt say goodmorning or anything like that. which okay. idrc. i get mornings suck ass.

but then later that day (yesterday) he tells me whats really been on his mind. why he really wasnt talking to me.

Turns out this nigga , QUOTE ON QUOTE said “i just want a woman” “a woman who will help me. you dont do shit. you make me go broke. you came into my life n just made me broke agian.”

first of all) he was practically begging me to date him again. everyday he would nag nag nag “be my girlfriend” “date me already” & he would always make jokes and aide comments about how if i was dating him he would buy me this or that of which we would be looking at when we would go out together.

second) it was NEVER like i was telling him to buy me this and buy me that. he decided on his own terms to spend his money. not me. bcs thats not my money.

third) ha just wow i just really cant believe this nigga wants to talk about this while im out on a family trip. like really nigga ? we spend 24/7 together and you wanna wait until im spending quality time w family // fucking refreshing my soul. and he wants to text me “i want a woman. youre not enough. you make me broke. you dont help”

it just upsets me that he brought this own himself (he told me to be his after multiple times of me rejecting him) and now he wants to complain about how im not enough....

that shit hurt me. and it was out of nowhere. and whats even worse is that hes been feeling this way for a fat minute. it explains ... omg everything makes since now .... this all explains why he’s been so quiet this week ... and probably last ... buti know forsure its been all this weekthat he’s been feeling this way.

what a dick. instead of telling me how he feels about our relationship , he just sits back and thinks to himself “i need a real woman. someone else who can help me. i wish she would.” instead of telling me his thoughts. -

communication is everything.

otherwise; i’m out here lookin stupid.

- instead , he got me out her lookin mad dumb !

i’m over here actin like we’re all good. like theres no problems between me and my boo !

but nah apperently there is problems. and i guess he just HAD to wait until i was with my family , enjoying my family time for him to THEN tell me how he’s negatively been thinking about us. about me.

... so yeah i said i didnt want a relationship bcs why tf would i want to stress myself out like dat ?

all of a sudden im a part of someone elses life/problems and honestly thats just too much for me. i have enough of my own shit to deal with. why add another load of shit to my plate ??????

im only 19 ... growing up , i didnt have a stable home so alot of things i shouldve learned ; i didnt get the chance to ... so i feel like i need to be alone. a one man army until i can get myself situated.

bcs truth be told. im not situated.

and thats why raul’s over here sayin what he’s sayin.

maybe it is best if i stay single.

but here’s the catch:

i was kicked out at 17 & my mom will NOT let me back into her home under any circumstances. (bcs her husband will not allow it🙄 like he says what goes in this family !? ha bitch 😒)

i ended up house hoping from rauls to friends to family ...

i lived in OK for a year

got my GED (bcs my dumbass dropped out) & Drivers License (bcs my mom never had time for me) & I even got an ID for oklahoma. 😎

Tía took care of me like she promised. 🥰

but that was last year ... here i am now.

feeling like im back at square one ....

... i feel like this is my cycle ... men ... 🥺

i came from a broken home , then i spent years growing up, looking for a place to call home but having no place to call home ....

... i just want to be happy while being my own person. i wanna feel like i can do this life shit without a man.

cause rn , the way the universe is playin me; i feel like i’m cursed and i will forever have “daddy issues”