all-before-im-21-blog

[all-before-im-21-blog]

Needing love

Last night my mum called me for the first time in a few weeks. Both of my grandparents have cancer, at the same time. I don’t know much - only that it’s aggressive. I can’t deal with this. I only have 4 people I consider as family - them, my dad (who’s suicidal), and my boyfriend (who I’m probably going to have to leave within the next couple of months). I’m going to lose most of my family and I have no friends to support me through this. 

I don’t know how to cope with this.

[all-before-im-21-blog]

The odds aren’t looking great

So, I just found out that there’s only 10 places on the graduate scheme... and 28 of us applying for it. When I arrived I got told that about 70% of us would get it and we just needed good feedback. That’s turned into a presentation, an interview and good feedback, plus being callibrated against the other interns. 

I’m really scared. It’s going to be so hard to apply for a grad scheme if I don’t get this. I’m struggling to pass my uni exams let alone get the 2:1 that everywhere seems to want before they’ll even look at you. Plus loads want A-Level results as if they’re still relevant. Even with this experience, I’ll be lucky if I get something, and if I don’t, then what?

I’m hoping I’ve done enough to impress them so far, but when I compare to the other interns, I’m not so sure. I certainly want it enough but I don’t know if that’ll be enough to get me through. I’ve never done a proper interview before, and I’m quite awkward when presenting. 

I’m just pissed off that this has happened. When the internship started, I could finally see a future for myself for the first time in years. I thought I could have a career and finally get past all of the mental problems that held back my education. I just keep getting worse luck. Last year they accepted 90% of their interns onto the graduate scheme. It’s stressing all of us out no end and now everyone’s really hostile to each other because we know that we’re in direct competition.

On the last day of the internship, my department is taking us to lunch in a place renowned for two things - it’s amazing roof garden, and suicides. On that day I also find out whether I got through and have some hope for a life after uni, or if I have to return to a guy that hits me, back at square one...

[all-before-im-21-blog]

How I lost trust in people

Tl;dr: trusted a guy I met online who turned out to be a perv . He blocked me while I was on holiday, lied about it, then told me that he could only see me as an object.

So a couple of years ago, I used to play a lot of Payday 2 (4 player co-op bank robbing game). Through a random lobby I met a guy - let’s call him Fox. Fox was fun to play with. He was trying to organise a crew of people who played regularly and wanted me to join. After years of struggling to make friends, I agreed at once.

Turns out Fox was a great confidant. I could talk to him about all of my problems and he’d give me a shoulder to cry on and words of support. It was so different from my boyfriend, who called me a retard every time we fought (still does). I really liked Fox and trusted him with everything. Until one day, a few months late, he revealed what sort of person he was.

See, Fox turned out to be one of the biggest perverts I’ve ever met. Not that bad when compared to the rest of the world but certainly more than I’d ever encountered. He started making sexual comments at me, wanted me to make them back. At first, I tried to keep him happy. I didn’t say anything lewd myself but I stopped trying to stop him. I guess a part of me felt happy that I was getting positive sexual attention. I was always the ugly one at school - the one people would say ‘well at least you’re not as bad as her’ about. I hate the part of me that liked it.

After a month of it, I put my foot down and I said I didn’t want any more of it. A few days later, he convinced me to have a video call with him where, after a few hours of just talking, he showed me his erection through his trousers. I told him to stop and for the next few days we were fine. He promised nothing like that would ever happen again and we continued as normal. Until I went to visit my boyfriend for a week.

At some point during that time, Fox blocked me from everything. Removed me and my boyfriend from steam, blocked me on skype, even kicked me out of the steam group we were both in. I was devastated. I’d been using Fox as a sort of crutch to help me through my relationship problems and my parents splitting up and, without warning, he’d abandoned me. After asking a mutual friend what had happened, Fox had the nerve to lie and say that I had blocked him!

The only reason Fox re-added me was so he could lie. He told me that it was an accident, was supposed to be someone else, and that he could change. That he still wanted to be friends. I wanted to believe him but I knew it was all bullshit. He eventually told me the truth: that he “could only see [me] as an object now”. Fox told me he was sorry and then left me again.

I haven’t joined a random game lobby since. I haven’t let myself get close to anyone else. I have only recently been able to start playing that game again without being plagued by horrible memories. I hope one day I can get past it. The loneliness is becoming crippling at times, but I don’t see how I can trust someone again. Fox wasn’t the first friend I lost this devastatingly. 

So that is my story of the person who made me stop trusting other people.

[all-before-im-21-blog]

I don’t know what to do

So, like I said, I’m doing an internship in London right now. It’s the first time I’ve not been living with my bf in a year. I’d love to say it was liberating but it’s mostly been a battle with trying not to have a breakdown at work. 

I have 3 weeks of it left, then I have to go back.... to him. I can’t afford to leave him. I have very few friends and all of them I only talk to while he’s there. My parents aren’t in the picture. I’d have no support if I left. I’d be completely alone, starting from scratch. I don’t think I could handle that. I can’t make friends by myself at the best of times and when my bf isn’t being horrible is the only time I get any support.

That’s if I could afford to move anyway. Not that he ever pays his half, but I don’t have much in the way of income. My student loan covers less than half of my rent. I’m struggling to make ends meet as it is. Plus I’d have to deal with moving while trying to start my third year of uni.

But I know the alternative is to stay - in a place where I get told I’m great and useless in equal parts. Where I know I will get physically hurt again, although I don’t know how bad. Where once a week we will have a conversation where he starts raising his voice, telling me I’m stupid, treating me like a child and making me feel worthless - all the while trying to justify his behaviour as my fault and that I deserve it. It’s my fault if it gets to me and he is treating me with respect - honest - if he wasn’t then he wouldn’t be talking to me at all.

Both are hell. It’s the choice between the known and unknown. I don’t know which is scarier to me. 

If this internship goes well then I get through to their graduate scheme automatically, but it’s competitive. If I do then I can see a future. If not... I don’t know how anyone will accept me when I’m struggling to pass all of my exams after being regularly told I’m stupid and retarded.

I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared

[all-before-im-21-blog]

The Weekend

Trigger warning (I don’t know how to use these)

So, I’m doing an internship in London right now and haven’t been back home in over a month. Last weekend I came back for the first time since it started. I was nervous to but my bf told me he’d be better; that the weekend would be great, and it was. To start with... 

As he works on Sunday’s, we only really saw each other Friday night and Saturday. Less than 24 hours after I arrived, I had a breakdown which ended with him deciding to choke me. 

See, he gets angry if I ignore him (or he thinks I am) but my natural instinct when overwhelmed with negative feelings is to just shut down. Hide in my head. I could barely hear him as he shouted at me. I didn’t register what was going on until I suddenly couldn’t breathe, and went into full on panic. See, he took my breakdown as me ignoring him deliberately. 

He told me afterwards that at no point during it did he feel sad or sympathetic. The whole time he was just frustrated which turned to anger. I think he blames me for it happening - that I should know that not responding to him will lead to something like that!

Might I add that he was the reason I had the breakdown in the first place. He started acting as he normally does during similar times - calling me names, saying that what I did was stupid, raising his voice, talking to me like I’m a child. He even said I deserved the last one because I was “acting like a child” - for changing my mind on what I wanted to wear for dinner! I just couldn’t take it. We’ve talked so much about how he needs to show respect and stay calm during these fights but he never does. It’s too much to take on top of everything else.

If I could have called the police I would have. I’m too scared to go back home now. I tried telling him that at one point and he said I shouldn’t be scared, and that he can get better - he’s been saying that for years now. I asked him to get therapy, or call Respect - he said I was emotionally manipulating him, and didn’t think they would help.

Is it wrong for me to think if he actually cared he would do it anyway off of his own back? I don’t know if I should ask his mother for help or something. I just don’t know what to do. Leaving isn’t a viable option right now

I just can’t deal with this right now.

[all-before-im-21-blog]

An intro

So... this is me, or at least, what I’ve put up with so far. I know so many people have gone through worse but right now I’m about at the end of my rope.

I’m 20 now - studying maths at uni. From my spelling you can probably guess I’m from England, currently on the south coast. 

I’ll be surprised if anyone reads any of this - I mainly intend this to be a vent space/diary of sorts. Just so you can get a general picture of the sort of things that will be in here, so far I have dealt with:

Ongoing domestic and emotional abuse

Rape

Suicidal dad

Extreme violent bullying (for ginger hair of all things)

Friends abandoning me

My childhood home, my car, and my dog being sold without me knowing

Severe depression/PTSD/god knows what else

Sexuality confusion

My parents splitting up messily

More breakdowns than I can count (and my education being ruined by it)

Numerous suicide attempts

And much more!

So if that sounds like something you’d want to read more about then I’m very confused. If you’re sane, then just keep scrolling :)