allmybeansblog

[allmybeansblog]

Broken Reflections

Loving feels like shards of glass,

Fragments scattered, moments passed.

A missing piece I cannot find,

In mirrored masks, I try to bind.

I shut down once, the first of many,

Watched their gestures, each step uncanny.

Not angered there, no shouts or screams,

I borrowed light from others’ dreams.

If I take the parts that shine,

Will love embrace what I've combined?

Yet love was always by my side,

In my true self, I need not hide.

Now I search for who I am,

A tapestry of hope and shame.

A mirror made of broken shards.

Who are we?

[allmybeansblog]

Don’t wanna die

But living seems to be harder

I’m not punching my card anytime soon

But I think I just may let the current take me out to sea

Who knows…maybe I’ll find what I’m looking if I stop struggling and just let it take me

[allmybeansblog]

I’ll never be a Dad and I’m not ok with it.

Sure I can bring a child into this world….but I wouldn’t have anything to offer or give except for love and that isn’t enough.

I wanted a family…

I wanted to work my ass off and come home to people who love me….and don’t get me wrong…I have family and friends…but I wanted a family of my own.

But aside from life reasons…I don’t think I’d be fit to be a father anyway….i csnt even tell if I’m truly capable of loving another person or if my concept of love is just an imitation of what I think it is…

I just….

I just would’ve liked the option of saying “No” as opposed to life telling “No”.

Which is why I can’t fathom there being men who LEAVE their families…I’d give almost anything to be a dad….

[allmybeansblog]

I just spent the better part of 30 minutes drafting a letter, the kind of letter that you write and never send just to get feelings out.

Here I am to tapping away, taking all of my feelings and just putting them in a thing… doing a thing with them, so I can release it into the ether and be done and as I’m writing still having so much more to say… my phone dies.

And the thing I was writing the letter one did not save my text… and while I am upset because I still had more to say it’s fitting that my letter got deleted before I can finish typing it because My spoke at length about unspoken feelings in this letter and then the whole thing is deleted….

Sometimes you just don’t get to say thing…

It sucks.

But sometimes you cant do fuck all about it.

It is what it is

[allmybeansblog]

In Search of Love

In the tapestry of life, I stand apart,

Amidst the laughter and the aching heart.

A sentimental dance in a world so wide,

Yet love feels distant, like a whisper inside.

Emotions flicker, a learned charade,

A flickering candle that might soon fade.

Is it me, or are these feelings borrowed,

A yearning for connection, yet so hollowed?

To want the best for someone near,

To crave their presence, yet live in fear.

The warmth of touch, a fleeting delight,

But the essence of love eludes my sight.

Family and friends, my constant embrace,

In their shadows, I find my place.

Yet what of romance, that elusive art,

A riddle unsolved within my heart?

How do I care? Do I truly know?

Is love just familiarity in a gentle flow?

With each passing moment, I seek to understand,

Am I just a wanderer in a foreign land?

Inside this body, I feel misplaced,

A soul without guidance, lost in the haste.

Though I function well, on this earthly shore,

I wonder, is this what love is meant for?

[allmybeansblog]

I’m just gonna put all of the feelings into writing until I don’t feel them anymore

[allmybeansblog]

No, I’m not mad. I just mentally replayed that conversation 17 times and found new ways to feel weird about it.

[allmybeansblog]

Cult of Chucky (2017)

[allmybeansblog]

DANCE Gavin DANCE

I can't figure out why

“Strawberry Swisher Pt. 2” plays,

And my chest feels tight,

A melody that pulls on my heartstrings,

Reminding me of the weight of unspoken words.

I mean, I KNOW why,

But I don’t know WHY,

Like a puzzle missing pieces,

Each note wraps around me,

In a way that feels familiar,

Yet painfully distant.

Emotionally, it’s a companion,

Alongside “Uneasy Hearts Weigh the Most.”

(Great song btw)

Not quite pain,

But an ache that sinks beneath the surface,

Where longing floats,

And memories drift like shadows,

Whispering secrets I can’t quite discern.

It’s like I’m underwater,

This pressure pressing down,

I’m searching for something,

Missing a feeling—

That spark on the tip of my tongue,

Or buried deep in the back of my mind.

I can see myself,

Holding a face,

In a bed that doesn’t belong to me,

Wishing for just a moment more,

But I can’t see their face…

“Could you stay a little longer?

I could really use the extra time…”

God this is such a good song…

[allmybeansblog]

To die for…

In shadows cast by love so deep,

I ponder why my heart does weep.

To die for cherished ones I hold,

A sacrifice, a tale retold.

But why does worth lie in despair,

In giving all, in laying bare?

Is love alone not strong enough,

To prove my life, to rise above?

Do they know the truth I bear,

That I'd trade my time, my very air?

To see them grow, to watch them thrive,

In every heartbeat, they come alive.

I’d face the fear, the darkest night,

For them, I’d stand, I'd fight the fight.

Yet in my soul, a whisper's plea,

Is my love not enough for me?

More than a sacrifice I seek,

In gentle words and kindness speak.

Am I not whole, just as I am?

Not merely ashes, but a flame?

In everyday moments, let love be unfurled,

For it's in the little things that grace is swirled.

I may not need to lay it down,

To wear this life, to wear this crown.

In presence shared, in laughter’s song,

In simple acts, I still belong.

Each heartbeat counts, each second divine,

For in this love, my life will shine….but is it enough?

[allmybeansblog]

[allmybeansblog]

Communism against capitalism

[allmybeansblog]

[allmybeansblog]

Spit on it.

[allmybeansblog]

[allmybeansblog]

preparing for an everything shower~

[allmybeansblog]

just lil ugly me, aight getting ready for this everything shower ! i feel like I wasted my whole ass weekend, bro.