allyoureadislovemade - Tumblr blog

[allyoureadislovemade]

Hello 2024!

Hi, Just checking with myself for like the first time in a long time. 2023 went too slow, and most of the first quarter of 2024 as well. But hey, we are here, in the moment however best of it and worst of it, it is. Well, these 4 months have been a rollercoaster ride, and how my life is going right now, im probably worried about my health a lot, but lets pray im being paranoid for nothing.... And yeah that's much of what's going on. i'm bored and anxious all the time. This year is going to be a lot anxious for the next 3 months (you know will have to get all check ups done just to be sure i'm not dying soon--- just kidding but who knows) and very hectic for the last quarter of it ( it will be a blasting work schedule). Anyway i will remind myself to keep writing to myself more often. So, tata byebye.... PS- note to self: quit the unhealthy lifestyle already. Xoxo, Love-made!

[allyoureadislovemade]

Husn

Evening! What a year it has been 2023. And to be honest i was very happy by the end of it. i achieved a lot in the end. Moving away, working, making new friends, ohh the highlight for which i came here today after a long time because i do not want to forget this. I made a boyfriend, not on my terms. i just met a amazingly loving person, who made my days and although we kissed and it was not my wish. i wanted to kiss him more, everyday. i wanted to hug him. He became a person who i would want to see everyday, and we got together. he called me his girlfriend. i accepted it. i felt as if i dont feel it that way yet, but i wanted to go with the flow. i spent time with him, eating, sleeping, walking, working. We would steal glances at each other, would steal kisses where we would be caught if not careful. called each other names. he said he found his peace, someone to look for when he is distressed. and maybe i became his stress. because after all that beautiful time, he left me. As he had claimed me his without asking me, he left me the same way. I didnt want to replace his ex, i told him i dont want to be what he wants me to be, he will have to love me as i am, and he left. he said he likes me as a person and he used me to move on from his past, but he doesnt want to anymore. he says he wants to face it, and he cant forget his ex, he cant do relationships anymore, and cant go through the feelings and pain again. he wants to run away. why do we girls want to fix something we didnt break and when it cuts us we regret but still try to feel bad about both the broken glass and our fingers. I hope i am making some sense. therefore, in short im confused, am i heartbroken? am i angry or annoyed? something i thought i didnt want and went with it thinking okay maybe i can deal with leaving him. But now that hes told me to leave, i cant bare the news. im missing him, i am being the clingy type i dont want to be. because i know i cant do life with him , but i still want him. hes a big red flag but i cant make out if he just behaves like that or is it really him. he wanted to build a dream where he has me and a house and kids. but i got scared although i didnt show him, because i wanted to be with him and not run away for once. and now that he is doing the same, leaving me because he cant do this shit, i feel bad. Goddd i dnt know if hes right for me or not, i dont know if i should let it go or hold on to him, maybe try harder. i want to try harder and hold on to him , maybe tell him to be with me and forget the world. but i also understand that he is exactly like me. he doesnt talk, he doesnt know how to let go of the past. can he and me be really a match? or we were just two souls who just interacted with each other for a brief point? I Am Confused. and i dont like it at all. because i feel this can either be my signal to try harder to hold on to things, or this can be a sign to let go of this person. maybe he is not right for me. and right now that i am typing this i feel the later is right. maybe hes a danger zone and he knows it, and is preventing me from it himself. but then isnt he a nice person? but only nice is not the solution right! I do not know. god help me.... Xoxo, Love-made.

[allyoureadislovemade]

Hello i'm here... after such a long time and not because i didn't have anything to say but i was taking my time to know myself. i still am. i'm still somewhere between my down phase and trying to get up phase. BUt today i thought i wanted to write this down. Some days ago me and two of my friends were drinking out. We came across this subject of career, and each of are in different situation. 1- extremely privileged, lots of money in the fam , 2- mid-level citizen like normal people, good life like average people, 3- me... who doesn't know where she stands, comes from a rich fam( i think, at least one with lots of upper connections like the 1st friend) but still so average like the 2nd friend. WELL anyway the point is 2nd is working, taking the monthly salary, and me and 1st is not working. The argument starts about how 1st wants to work but without getting it on their parent's name, because then their efforts are not noticed and somewhere along the way or in the future they will be pushed down by that name... one name that they are where they are today is because of someone else. And the 2nd one doesn't agree, because as any other average person he can see how good of an opportunity that is, that it should be taken advantage of, and thinks 1st is a fool to let it slip away for a future they haven't seen. My point is... i know what 1st is feeling, but also thinking what 2nd can. so where do i stand? yes i had chances to take advantage of my fam but i didn't, so am i the fool? but then i'm also an example for the 1st person who wants to be me, a person struggling to get somewhere, because they want it to be theirs, the win whatever it shall be or even if it is failure. But i can also see that 1st person is too privileged and thinks that maybe their and mine situation is different. whereas i had to choose to struggle so i don't have to answer anyone, they choose to struggle in the future. we are in the same room but today they still have that cushion even if they don't want it, which is not now but the choice they get in the future. And for me i've already torn mine, taken that future in my hands. so maybe we think similarly but we are at different points in life and see it differently from different levels. The 2nd friend understands that they might be seeing things from a very different persons viewpoint. but they don't seem to understand that they are very different than us both. where they have a worn torn cushion but a cushion indeed. That they can take risks but when they fall, they will have at least a cloth to fall upon. i do not know why did i partake into their conversation that day, and took the 1st friend's side, but i didn't think we were different then. So today i thought about this. maybe i have moved on and im only tormenting myself with the thoughts and memories of the past. i know where i stand i keep doing this to myself, keep myself in a cage, no matter where i go. i don't want to do that anymore and i knew this long time back but i wanted to relish the pain a little more. Anyway, where am i? i know it sounds stupid but i was so angry at the 2nd friend to think if we get a chance we should take it without any hard work, or risks.. but i knew where he was coming from as a average person. but i also knew what it is to take that risk and live with it everyday. and now i'm going to risk it all again, going away for work in a different city and state. So i have myself to depend and count on to work hard. Conclusion of all this is im at a different table than anyone else and everybody is... everyone has their lives to live and different opinions. But at the same time we don't know how that opinion turns out until we take it and make it our own. I do feel a little dumb to even take part in their conversation... Well, anyone who would read this, just know i've rambled on and maybe i make sense maybe i don't. But Ur life, ur risks, ur rewards!!! It all depends on you. So whether you want to take help or go thru mud yourself be ready for success or failure and to reap whatever you get. Xoxo, Love Made.

[allyoureadislovemade]

It's my 1 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳 WOW!! i didn't even realize it's been a year... Yay me!! Hopefully this year at tumblr will be more fun than the one before... Xoxo, Love-made!

[allyoureadislovemade]

POSITIVE MINDSET. SELF-LOVE.

[allyoureadislovemade]

Here's to mental health month 🥂

Hope everyone going through darkness, comes into light.

İ write my thoughts here, listen to music, keep my thoughts away for a while by watching Netflix or any other thing... And most of all i read alot. And like fiction and fantasy ( i know it can be a bore to some people and also an easy escape to others)

Trust yourself, take one step at a time each day. And you will be able to face it. Wether it's a decision making situation, self-pity, insecurity or anxiety and depression...

Keep fighting for another 24hours each day and remember to keep urself happy. You will go to lengths...🧿🧿

All the blessings!!

Xoxo,

Love-made!

It’s May, it’s spring 🌼 And that can only mean one thing: it’s Mental Health Month! And we are celebrating it here on Tumblr in the dashboard’s own inimitable style. And we are celebrating it with you, because this month we will need all the help from you we can get. We are asking you to provide the vibes—Good Vibes Only, to be precise. 🎉

We want it all: the content that brings you comfort and joy, helpful resources, tips, advice, and techniques for making it through a bad day, week, month… here on Tumblr, it’s all about fostering the very best vibes to create the kindest atmosphere possible. In doing so, you never know what help you might receive. And you never know what help you might give for others, too. 🫶💌 

We are joining forces with our partners at @Kokobot with a daily act of kindness challenge. And it’s a really rather wonderful challenge—each day, we will share a small prompt to share something that has helped you through your hardest times. It could be anything: a song, a story, a shitpost, a cat video, a precious piece of advice. But don’t forget to tag your responses with #TumblrGoodVibesOnly #goodvibesonly #spreadgoodvibes

Doing something for others It may not be the most obvious choice in the grip of a dark time, but studies show that helping others really can benefit one’s own mental health and well-being. Whether by reducing stress, improving mood, self-esteem, and happiness. Win-wins don’t get much better than that—and these are the ✨ very best 💫 of vibes.  

Sadly these can often feel like dark days, and the internet is no different. However, with a bit of luck and some of your best tips of kindness, we hope to share the wealth of kindness with others, bring the best in Tumblr’s wonderful community, and help others to help ourselves with 🌻Good Vibes Only.💫

And once again, for good luck: don’t forget to tag your responses with #TumblrGoodVibesOnly #goodvibesonly #spreadgoodvibes!

[allyoureadislovemade]

A Quick Disturbing Thought!!! 😅

What if you are suffocated, mentally... You can't think about one thing at a time. You have different places to write your thoughts at and people to tell who will listen. And more than that they would understand , but at the same time you do not wanna tell them. Reason could be u r too vulnerable and can't show it or rather don't wanna. Or you see or sense that the world/ ur people are moving ahead.. or let's just say maybe just moving with you walking with you in life and you do not wanna tell them, stop them to listen to you. And also because you know that they will understand and that's why u can't say it, coz they will worry a lot more than you...

How do you differentiate between a phase and a long term lonliness ? Sometimes you can't write or tell but only keep it in you. You disconnect and still it's not better. You keep thinking one day it will be fine, it's a phase and u just have to wait for it to pass... And then u see urself in it again and again after weeks or some month's time.

How does it feel when u have so much to give willingly ( it's a beautiful feeling, just etheral to feel that love towards someone and want to give, hear them, be there for them ), but sometimes you have to give to some people due to duty or responsibility even when you don't have it in you ?

Don't you get tired? İ get tired a lot and since a long time... Well it's just that i feel it much more now than ever before.

I've said it millions times before in other posts but yes... I'm still, and others are moving. Maybe not too far away but one day it will far enough to leave me stranded alone not lonely but alone... But at the same time I'm thinking that i don't wanna do anything now... So how do I go about it??

İ don't wanna move, i hate being at one place , i wanna help but i don't wanna ask for one for myself.... Knowing that there are these amazing people ready for me, to pick me up if i fall/fail miserably but just i can't accept them somewhere in my heart.

Why do i doubt myself so much. Why i can't just shake this feeling that i can't can't ask or shouldn't. why i am content for the time being just being where i am when i shouldn't be... what am I waiting for really... Why can't I just do something... Why there's so much of this bloody irritatingly annoying self-pity... İt doesn't go away... Aughhhgigiigilesllz..!!!!

Well just another confusing/ knowing, sad but content day in my life!!!!

Xoxo,

Love-made! ( This is becoming very hilarious tho! 🤣)

[allyoureadislovemade]

Hello!

Hey so i was thinking, i have not written anything much in months, i suppose. I was on tumblr for some work for my different blog so i thought i should drop by. My life so far has been a emotional ride. From being happy for bts members to enjoying their new songs and albums (GO AND STREAM FACE & PEOPLE PT.2). And also being so confused. Trying to land a job but not trying enough i think. every week i think lets do this, this time it will be all good and smooth, but turns out i just keep making up my mind and not do anything about it. I have been watching a lot of anime and reading books (two books only in a month this time). I also have been watching a lot of movies with my sister. I am feeling a bit array from 1-2 of my close friends (bts army) who were a part of my life for atleast 3-4 years before we connected again after 2-3 years... all cause of bts. But yes we do talk to each other, share news and all of that... i wish i could talk to her and just listen to her for hours and understand and connect like we did when we were together, studying. Anyways.... i went off track again... so yeah i have been thinking to close my first bts account on instagram as i dont post anything, but i talk myself out of it everytime... coz its my memories and all of that.... That is it.. nobody reads, or if someone reads, this is it, a recap of my boring, regrettable, i do not know what kind of life... hahahhaaha!!! Xoxo, Love-made.

[allyoureadislovemade]

Reckless

" Living life recklessly is an abuse, worse than killing oneself. But unfortunately or fortunately like other abuses you come to enjoy it ". I have been doing the same for sometime now, not the other abuses but living recklessly. What do you do when you know something but still cant seem to get it over with?. when i am just wasting away time, age and energy doing something which i know im not supposed to be doing and i dont deserve this even if i am myself doing it, how do u stop yourself?. how do you tell yourself everyday, every minute and every second to just stop. How do you change, how can you? i am everywhere, people can see me, talk to me, but i am not accessible inside outside. In truth i dont want to be, but someone to see. Want that someone to just stand for a while just stand still, not try to do something for me just for a while. just a little bit. But What is after that? after ""for a while"? There is so much want and need inside but no dreams. Even when i close my eyes or when i am awake there is nothing i see myself chasing, maybe for a while. Or maybe it is just empty. What is ? A body with no dreams. a soul full of life but nothing left to embody it, maybe for a while, maybe not.... i dont know its all still blurry. i wish i could share some good things too sometimes but maybe what i have is only more of this. xoxo, Love-made

[allyoureadislovemade]

Why is everyone and everything around me and i know is annoying and frustating.... 👀

[allyoureadislovemade]

My Mind & Me

I saw this documentary of selena gomez yesterday and it was so heartbreaking.. i know i know sympathy is more ridiculous than just not feeling it... and yesterday the phrase that says that for some people their idols are everything to them actually related to me... i was just watching her and thinking, maybe i didnt pay attention to some parts of it coz i was so engrossed into the previous scenes.. i was remembering the times when i used to listen to her, i adored her ( ofc we all were so interested in selena and justin). But to actually see behind all the TMZ and paparazzi there was so much pain ands depression and sadness.. and for a minute i thought that if we actually lost her like her mother said she thought so too... i thought if this had happened, it would have been so devastating and we wouldnt get to know this amazing person... i saw her struggling, crying and speaking about it.. she felt so lost and tired i could feel her.. but i also saw her fighting everyday and overcome that.. the most beautiful part was her friends and family. her bestfriend who never left her side, i mean to dedicate ur time (almost all of it) is so difficult. well i was in the kitchen today and i was talking to my best friend, shes like my heartbeat but she doesnt know it, or she does? maybe she does, although i dont feel it everyday (living seperate for 5 years can do that) but i know in my heart if i was to lose her, i would be broken for life... So after i had a talk with her about future, i went back again into time and thought about the things i should not, atleast not in the way i do. i thought about who i am, about where i am from, and do i want to even know? but that who i had become a part of also didnt let me feel included... after 20 years of my life, someone who saw me grow up, who did practically raise me left me. Or i did but i had to run away... but did they try to retain me? NO it doesnt matter u know, i dont care much everyday but somedays i do n in my heart ofc i do. you grow up and get to know it was something borrowed ( more like given) it didnt feel IT, that it belonged to me in the first place... when u start to question ur existence, specially ur sanity after sometime, u dont want to accept it, u know it what is right and wrong. what happened and what can happen but u just dont wanna accept it or like u cant. coz basically u never did want it that way.. you were brought up that way to feel it and but to know that deep down somehwere u never belonged coz that very people will tell it to ur face and quite brutally like they meant it. you dont wanna believe it, god knows u dont want to but then they dont seem to care and it crashes for real.. something breaks inside and you want the comfort, u crave it but u know it wont be worth it. its like a lucid dream, it would be so good if it all was actually a dream and you wake up one day and find yourself in ur bed. dad making breakfast, mom going for work and everything you thought u lost to be back. you know whats the outcome gonna be of ur choices in the future... question is will you choose different path if again given the chance or would it be too scary to leave and so memorable besides the fact that it was painful that u go to that same journey? Do i make sense today? ( maybe not like always) xoxo, love-made. (let us all be strong till we can, just hang in there with the hope it will all make sense and be worth it).

PS - i did cry again (5-6mins, letting myself feel deep).

[allyoureadislovemade]

Well, i did it!! i shed 3-4 tears today thats a progress right ?... i voluntarily involuntarily hurt my bestest friends, my closest one... i knew what will be the consequences of my actions and still i kept giving myself excuses... mostly because of the reason i wrote before that i do not want to share my miseries with anyone... i do not know what am i doing, just sitting around, i do not talk when its time to talk about harsh reality or something which probes me to look into the future (even 1-2months)... it feels like everything inside me has shut down... the system is running but it doesn't function... it has oil but still the parts do not work... is it depression? is it something else... i do not know... feels like i want to just shut down sometimes from the world around me and overall... and somedays feel like doing it all and dream big like the dream to travel and work outside india... i have started realizing that since this year has started i have been doing a lot of thinking about my past... remembering every one who had been around me when i was a child... everyone who left and who are still there but did not wish to reach out to me in 12 years... where ever i go, i wanna run... but how much can i run? i run n end up in a similar situation everytime with just different people (maybe a little comfortable on somedays).... its like im running away from the world and in turn people are running away from me or rather are just running towards something which i am not.. there is no escape... something is eating me, it hurts so bad somedays... there are so many questions in my head... and only my assumptions and expectations in the form of answers.. which apparently i am making up on my own to feed my own mind and heart... trying to deceive myself everyday hoping one day it will be all fine.... and maybe it will be...

xoxo, love-made..

[allyoureadislovemade]

Package..

Yeah, that is me i am talking about i think... 😜 i had this crazy thought that i am very emotional and caring and i have a ear to lend it to anyone who needs me or always ready to help people if they ask and i can... basically I'm saying that i do not say no... its rare but i do say no to little things but not all the time. yes so i was thinking that I'm not emotionally strong enough to cater to people all the time, by that i mean i do not know how to console a person coz i think that silence is the best at times, but i also believe i do this with other person and that might not help them at all... but i can not help it u know... that is how i am... i get awkward, i don't cry like literally i cried like heavy crying when i got too drunk and my brain was working fine, i was thinking what am i doing at this party drinking away when my life is a shithole. i cursed everyone that left me, alone, to cater to those who were left behind with me.. always expecting me to be vulnerable but at the same time so decent, mature and understanding. and maybe i am all that but i feel so done... i feel so done with life, with people. i was thinking today while making lunch that maybe it is not that i think i cant give time to other person in my life and that is why i haven't found a guy for myself... or maybe i do not do calls and talk to people everyday. but maybe it is right but also expectations also play a big role in this... its like i want to give enough time to myself because i do not know what i want with my own self and i don't want to have another person to look after for, but maybe also i am done with people expecting from me... for anything... maybe the smallest thing ever it can be... anyways today was another day to think about... (same shit, different day) xoxo, love-made...

[allyoureadislovemade]

SPEAK!!! I am not going to check grammatical mistakes in this post today! Lets just say life is complicated, yes it is full of surprises but do they have to be all happy ones? Surprises can be sad. Likewise news can be bad, gifts can be ugly. To say every right has a wrong. Every wrong has a right. Let us be positive today, and celebrate or rather be happy that everything or everyone have someone or the other to compliment the other. To remind again, i feel i should write too often, like every week or once every three- four days. It is good to let it out no? I will also like to point out why i do not write as often as i want to. Usually my thoughts are all sad thoughts ( when i want to write), it is very rare i am happy and i want to write it down. i do not want to spread sadness around you see( although noone is looking here right!?)... and today too it was sad, but then i thought let us divert the topic... which is silly of me to do.. It is the same way i have been living my life for the last 23 years.. or maybe at least last 12 years. i went for a ted talk once 2 years ago, that woman saw me and told me things about myself which made me cry out because i havent even said a proper hello as she proceeded to sit with me. she told me that she can sense or rather see all around me, the compassion, she said im a pure soul, compassionate and kind. But that i do not see it, or maybe i do but i do not use it as a weapon to save myself. i know im a bit naive in life, i have the knowledge and the brains, sometimes i just think from my heart ( or maybe always do). So as i was saying, my 12 years of life i have been thinking " jaisa hai waisa hai" . i let the world take its course, thinking everything happens for a reason, let it go on as it is, it is because it is supposed to be that way. And while that had been my mindset , i lost time, i lost myself somewhere. everyone who talked me down, beat me, abused me i let it happen because i thought one day i will see back at it and maybe ill be happy that it made me strong or made me hang in there a little more. But what i did not think at that time was why should i let this happen, why should i believe i deserve it, or why i let everything go as they were. As always i have so many questions for my self, so many of them to ask - why, how , when and the biggest of them always being : " what if ", and everytime i think of it, my train of thoughts just takes off to places i do not want to go ( i do, trust me i do torment myself a lot). And like right now i am thinking about the past more than the future, i do not want to write more. it has happened again.... i wrote in length but it did not give me answers or it did not give me much clarity, just more to think about. Now i do not want to even sleep it off, i do not know where i am headed to, where i want to go ( i do not want to go anywhere). Anyone reading this, hope you are not this clueless. i hope you know where to go and where you are going in life. i hope you have purpose to your life. xoxo, Love. (heheh, just wanted to try xoxo)

[allyoureadislovemade]

YO.....😉

Heyoooo...!!!! Well, I'm listening to "winter bear" by V Aka taehung.... and the last time i was listening to it, i had a sudden urge to pick up my laptop and just write away.... Today i do not have particular thoughts as i am listening to everyone's singles (jimin, v, jungkook, jhope... etc). Currently i am reading a book( i read only fictions - all romcom type), so the series I am reading is about of course, a mafia don who falls in dangerous love for a women ( also from a family of don), but he actually signed a contract to marry the younger one. The point is that i was thinking, all the stories about mafia, billionaires, and blah blah rich guys are about them falling in love with either a woman who is also rich i mean is of his league ( variations being she's super hot, or super psycho- in a good way i mean), or the guys falls for a poor woman( poor in the sense maybe monetarily or like sad and broken). To sun up my point i would say its never the middle and normal.... But, truthfully are we all normal, is there anyone who is? And how do we define what being "normal" is exactly?... That brings me to my other topic which popped into my head... its like i just want to talk to you ( anyone reading) or maybe myself and ask these stupid questions sometimes..... A question like "love????" 😂😂 Well there is loadzzzz of love in the world, and different kind of ( maybe its just one type of feeling but we separate it differently for everyone in our lives) .... But what about a love from significant other? is it needed really, can we not live without someone else? and is it really there? out there somewhere and it will come to us or we have to get it with much struggle??? ohhh... there are only so many questions to think about.... is it worth it, especially now-a-days when nobody is loyal or truthful..... who do we trust? and how exactly? how do we know we can share or give a part of ourselves to a person and think or pretend to think that we have faith in them... And still in midst of all this, one fear that tugs at the corners of our minds.... what if the one who deserves us, who we deserve, who is there for us, we just miss it.... miss the chance, miss it because of our thoughts, doubts? or rather we should try to give a small part to everyone to test the waters??? AGAIN.... is it worth it?..... even me thinking all this is worth it? coz seriously it consumes a lot of time and energy... Anyway let me leave you with these questions... and if u already know the answers to these... kudos to you all..... 😉😉😉 Goodnight my peeps....!!!!💖💖( i am leaving the song which I'm listening to right now with you all) PS - i always get emotional listening to bts..... 😜😢😜💜💜

[allyoureadislovemade]

Somedays are peaceful! ❤❤

[allyoureadislovemade]

Sleep- tata-bye-bye!

Hellozzz! Well, i have come to the hospital today. And guess what?? Don't guess its all in the title.... tata-byebye to my sleep... First time in my life i managed to get someone admitted, and checked for tests in the hospital. i had half a sandwich in the afternoon, and halg in the evening. i had my dinner at 9 and then i started feeling fatigued. i changed into my comfy clothes, tried reading a book took a walk in the hall.... could not concentrate much. Got called in the blood bank for further instructions regarding tomorrow's surgery (not mine lol...). Well it was all right till 12 oclock, i attended a video call and laughed a lot with a friend, but after all of this and full days work my body started feeling too tired... My smart ass thought i can pull thru 2 nights on a single chair, but alas maybe its because i got up too early yesterday my body gave up. Right now i am constantly yawning while typing this post. Its 3:30am, i super sleepy, but have nowhere to lie down. i tried to sleep on half foot of the bed for like 20 mins which only lead to back ache and irritation.... I don't know how will i pass this night, the 24 hours before i can crash at my friend's place for some sleep and a good bath too.... i hope i can pull thru... being here is already nerve-wreaking enough and this night situation is like a cherry on top situation... i AM ANNOYED & SLEEPY...!!!!!