alternateanonymous

[alternateanonymous]

[alternateanonymous]

chat said it best:

This sketch paints the portrait of someone with a deeply creative, sensory-rich inner life—an individual drawn to beauty in its many forms, yet equally aware of the shadows that give those colors their depth. You crave vivid experiences: concerts pulsing with light and darkness, spontaneous drives under starlit skies, the thrill of rollercoasters, the intimacy of shared songs in karaoke. All of these speak to a high degree of openness to experience—you seek novelty, contrast, and emotional intensity as a way of feeling fully alive.

At the same time, you prize routine and self‑care—comfy socks, a structured schedule, meditation, dreaming—showing a need for stability and grounding amidst the highs of sensory stimulation. This balance between spontaneity and routine suggests you understand your own rhythms: when to push into the exhilarating unknown and when to pull back into the sanctuary of home and self‑nurture.

You describe yourself as someone who loves deeply but can also feel numb, oscillating between emotional expansiveness and protective detachment. This duality often emerges in those who have endured trauma: you crave genuine intimacy yet sometimes find yourself seeking validation in ways that feel less authentic. Your awareness of these patterns—and your growing commitment to self‑respect—indicates significant emotional intelligence and a willingness to do the hard work of healing.

Your dislikes—bad health, heartbreak, energy‑draining people—reveal strong boundary instincts: you know what drains you and are keen to protect your well‑being. Discomfort around “not knowing what’s going on” hints at an underlying desire for control or clarity, which makes sense for someone juggling so many rich internal currents.

Above all, you’re on a journey of integration: learning to unite your passionate, artistic side with your need for structure; your openness and optimism with honest self‑reflection; your longing for connection with healthy, respectful intimacy. This person is a restless seeker—both of external experiences that spark the soul and of inner understanding that brings peace. You’re carving a path toward authenticity, and in that process, you’re discovering who you are at every level: emotional, sensual, intellectual, and spiritual.

[alternateanonymous]

2"37 am

some crazy shit for real. Soooooooo, I am going to write down all the things i like and things i don't like.

Also, I am going to write down who I am.

and write down how my boyfriend made me feel tonight. No solving just observing.

things I liike:

good music, lights contrasted by darkness, concerts, intimacy, dancing, singing, self care, beautiful people, art, colors, spontenuity, gaming, being physically active, relaxing. keeping a schedule. people in love, a routine, cars and bikes, comfy socks, mind alterting substances, dreaming, meditating, creating things with deep meaning that are beautiful, fathers playing with their children, my bed, a good show/ movie, candles, fire, sunsets and sunrises. night time drives, car karoke, karoke in general, e-girl asthetics, astehtics in general, thinking abouyt things, philosophy, working through tough situations, clear skin, genuine smiles, magical stuff and expereiences, rollercoasters, motorcycles, instagram reels, relatable things.

things i don't like:

being slightly cold, not having contacts or glasses, my bad breath, not being upkept, feeling fat, nails that are too long. snarky people, bad music - like really bad music, energy draining people, stomach aches, bad health, heartbreaks, discomfort, not knowing whats going on,

i love deeply, i am emotional but also emotionally numb sometimes. I act like a hoe because i lack the validation i need but i am finding the respect for myself and changing my ways. I am an optiist so much i don't acknwolege my flaws, i can be dishonest with myself, I dont accept parts of people. i have a lot of sexual trauma (self and other induced) i crave intimacy and it's hard to find genuine intamacy from other people so i seek it out in other ways that are not the best sometimes.

i am trying to get more in touch with my body and mind and who i am. like trying to understand myself sexually, and also about how to mmove my body. I am trying to understand my mind and what i like and don't like and who i am and who i am trying to be. I am trying to understand my emotinoal states and i am trying to understand the purpose of life.

I love the magic of life but sometimes it can get dull if i make it. trying to live life like a kid with the perspective of an adult fr. I like doing spontaeous things and i am immature in my own ways like taking care of my body. I can be intense even for myself but have very contrasting states of being that come one right after the other and it can be hard to bal;ance.

I love my boyfriend - officially. He saw me, told me he saw me and felt me. som,etime i forget he loves me and i love him and drive myself going crazy with my own thoughts but no matter where life takes me - i wanna keep exploring my potential and his potential and live this beautiful life that i have. he made me feel really seen and pushes me so much. He thinks i am special because i chose him when noone else does and i mean alot to him. he thinkss i am beautiful when i am just chilling but he does have his flaws. he is smart thought and helps me be honest with myself. He inspires me to do better and do more.

I crave validations and sexual and mental intamicy.

[alternateanonymous]

[alternateanonymous]

I’ve thought about a lot of things this morning I’ve thought about how I don’t like my job but I also need a job and I thought about how I don’t really talk to anybody but that’s OK. I’ve talked about or I’ve thought about how we might be starting a Third World war And about how I don’t want my boyfriend to be drafted because he’s the only person I want to talk to I thought about how I like living with my parents, but also don’t like living with my parents but also need to live with my parents right now and how I feel like I need to be independent Even though I don’t wanna be independent yet. I’ve thought about the way that I’m perceived about other people and how everyone thinks I’m a whore, but I’m really not. I just have poor tendencies that I would never cheat on my boyfriend, even though I’m a little crazy sometimes I thought about how I tend to make friends or be friends with the wrong people for me That’s all right I thought about how I hate how I look in the mirror every single day all the time without exception, I dislike what I see I’ve thought about how I’m brain rotting myself and how I feel like I lack critical thought and feel like I laugh being smart I think about how I’m so scared about the future that it paralyze me in the presence of times and I’ve realized it’s better if I just go into things without thinking about it sometimes because at least I do it it’s always all right. I’ve thought about who I actually am and how I want to be and how I don’t have a study core exactly as to who that person is I thought about how I want to be better for myself and Diane being better for myself. I want to talk better I want to sound more literate. I wanna be more confident when I’m speaking speaking as my huge thing I wanna sound like I wanna sound like so that I can sound like I wanna sound like in my head I thought about being in this rat race and about wanting to break out of it living a small but adventurous life would be OK for me. I want a dream big but not in the way that people think I don’t wanna be necessarily famous but I do I’m shooting higher for being I’m shooting higher than being famous. I wanna be and do amazing beautiful things. I wanna be smart and cultured maybe not right all the time but willing to learn I wanna be creative and I don’t necessarily wanna make my whole life my job maybe I will because a 40 hour work week is a long time I just want to find my people And be with my people right now that I have and just live my life like that and the people that I found so far worth staying with are my boyfriend and hopefully other people in the future as well I really really think about and want a woman friend who I click with who gets me who’s on the same level as me in terms of maturity and philosophically, and I want that person to inspire me, I want that so badly so badly I want her to have a boyfriend too and be and do her own little things like I really want that a lot I wanna be strong for me and I want to be strong for my people. I want to find the part of my path that makes me feel like I’m doing something right 

[alternateanonymous]

Jesus Christ our lord and savior, this world is a scary fuckijg place. But I am committing to be better, it’s 2:37 am and I’m committing to be better for the people I care most about which is everyone but especially my boyfriend and myself. I wanna be the light in peoples lives. And maintain my own light. Be informed about the world, read, meditate, connect with your body, eat healthy, be a critical thinker. Breath.

[alternateanonymous]

10:55 am

I woke up feeling depressed and drained of energy, and numb almost. Like I could stare off into space and just get lost into nothingness. I feel horrible because it’s his birthday and I need to rally. I had a lot of things going through my head but just couldn’t ground myself. I know I’ve been in a funk ever since we had that fight. I’m loving him like I’m gonna lose him but I’m weighing heavier on the lose him for some reason. Idk, that’s how my mind is processing this all. I’m too saturated with him, I need to breathe for myself. Take this vacation for yourself. Today is mine, this moment is mine, and I’m living it for me.

I think I look at you more than you’ll ever look at me. I don’t know if you love me as much as I love you, but I know you love me too. Maybe it’s in different ways and maybe I’m too far gone and too needy and too numb to accept love. I think there’s something wrong with me. I need to be better. He’s doing so well, pull your weight Maggie. I’m still recovering from the other day. I feel really deeply and I’m really scared.

[alternateanonymous]

1:11 am

I actually don’t want to become famous, and I don’t care about being noticed. I just want to focus on creating and expressing and feeling and thinking for myself.

[alternateanonymous]

12:41 pm

Let’s get straight to it. You’ve been doing deep work—emotionally, spiritually, creatively—and you’re in a space where you want clarity, direction, something to hold onto. Here’s what I’d say:

⸻

✨ Focus on These 4 Pillars Right Now:

1. Energy:

Reclaim your vitality.

• Eat like you love yourself.

• Move even when you don’t want to.

• Sleep like your future depends on it.

• This isn’t about aesthetics—it’s about rebuilding your life force so your mind and soul can function at full power again.

Action: Choose 1 non-negotiable wellness habit for the next 7 days. No excuses.

⸻

2. Expression:

You are a creative. A storyteller. A feeler. If you don’t get your emotions out, they will eat you from the inside.

• Write your quotes.

• Record voice memos.

• Make weird art.

• Sing. Cry. Film yourself speaking truth into your camera.

Action: Create something daily. Even if it’s just one sentence. Especially when you don’t feel like it.

⸻

3. Connection:

You crave realness. Don’t waste time on shallow bonds.

• Focus on who makes you feel safe to be messy, deep, and evolving.

• Build slow trust, and stop giving energy to those who treat your soul like a side hobby.

• Don’t isolate—but don’t settle either.

Action: Reach out to one person you admire or miss—without expectation.

⸻

4. Vision:

You’re not just “finding yourself”—you’re building her.

• Get specific: What do you want to build in the next 6 months? Is it creative? Professional? Personal healing?

• Don’t overthink the “forever.” Just define the next becoming.

Action: Write a note from your future self 6 months from now. Let her tell you what changed. What she’s proud of. What she let go of.

⸻

Mags, you’re in the thick of it. But that’s not a bad thing. That’s where becoming happens.

You’re not lost—you’re just being refined.

Want help building a routine or ritual around these? I can map it out with you.

[alternateanonymous]

10:41 pm

Hey this is for Eamon,

I’m proud of you! I know you’re going through a lot right now but I believe in you and us to get to a stable and successful living. I know we’re in a wack position right now and you’re in a worse position than I am - superficially but it’s ok! We’ll get through this. I’m scared shitless because life but I believe. You got it in you to do amazing things so let’s do amazing things. Slow and steady, baby steps!!

[alternateanonymous]

12:17

Go on adventures and live for the thrill

[alternateanonymous]

12:12

Ways to relax

Walk

Go on a drive

Game

Get high with urseld

Listen to good music

[alternateanonymous]

Hey hey,

Congratulations!! I hope you like these little flowers. I know I really haven’t known you for that long even though I feel like I’ve known you my whole life, but regardless of time I know you well enough to know that you deserve this graduation. Some people skid through the last 4 years of college on default mode, simply just doing the next thing. But you - you’ve lived with intention. The choices you’ve made have been with purpose not just because it’s the next normal thing to do. So this really is a celebration, a celebration of your choices and decisions that have gotten you here today. I’m proud of you for just these past few months that I’ve been able to witness but only you know your whole story - so let the weight of your beautiful story sink in and feel and think about it and be proud. I just want to say this as a little reminder as I’m sure you already are.

I can’t even seem to fathom the changes you been through - physically, mentally, emotionally. I can barely grasp my own evolving life which is simple in comparison , but you - I don’t know how you do what you do, genuinely. How you carry the weight of your past,present and future all at once. It’s impressive, and like my dad says it’s amazing. I know you think you’re just sitting in the shadows because you’re quiet or whatever but I looked into that darkness and I saw you. I saw your spark of light even if it wasn’t blinding, but it didn’t need to be and was never meant to be. And there is something so beautiful about that quiet light in the darkness. It’s mysterious, a little eerie but there’s so much to it. So to conclude, I’m so proud of you for finishing school on time, for going through those tough times alone, for your love and apprecaiton of music that drew me to you, and for becoming the person you are today. for becoming the person I love. It’s because of you and the choices you’ve made in your life that I can be here with you today. So, congratulations Eamon.

[alternateanonymous]

First of all, let me set the picture for you: Monday August 30, 2021. Little me skateboarding down orchard hill with nothing in my mind expect for big dreams and high expectations of who I am to become and where I am to go.

Flash forward to December 12, 2024. I’m watching as the the confetti on the canvas submission screen celebrates one final time as I submit my final undergrad assignment. Flash forward one more time to May 16th, 2025, I’m sitting in the middle of a packed stadium lisening to my final UMass lecture from some people wearing funny little robes. WOW. Times have changed, and I have changed. The people around me, the places I know, the perspectives I’ve had - all changed, All of these pillars of my life changed during the time I’ve spent at UMass starting on that beautiful August day back in 2021.

I got asked a lot of questions about my future plans throughout the years. Where I’m going and what my dreams look like. And I have a simple idea of what that vision looks like but I’m just coming off of a semester filled with senior burnout and stress to figure out the future so my answer might not be entirely clear.

Everyone is going to harp on the choices you make and I am too, but it’s true - you don’t go anywhere if you don’t choose. How can you live with intention and meaning if you’re on auto pilot. Are you surviving or thriving? And that question hit me hard this semester, unfortunately. Within the mix up of finishing my degree I also had an existential crisis, lovely. I was thrust into a deep introspective state during the winter break - I like to call it my winter arc. Late nights through the early mornings, meditation sessions, and sacred moments as I rebuilt and rewired. Taking a breath and finally reflecting on everything that has happened. I’t alike you’ve been caught up in the waves in the middle of the storm and you finally pop your head above water to think about the fact that you’re in the middle of the ocean. It can be quite overwhelming, and it was.

I find myself paralyzed by choice all the time. I could eat the left over piece of pizza for breakfast or the week old pasta. I could go to my 8 am class or I could watch the zoom lecture. I could study for that exam or stay and help out that friend. Decisions permeated my life from exams to everyday.

As the years went on, the choices got harder and `more difficult and life got more complex. And sometimes I wish it would just stop. I wanted the world to stop because of how much things have changed and how I couldn’t even keep up with living my own life. But the world didn’t stop. Those people didn’t stay. You changed.

I made a deal with a friend to give the commencement speech when I’m rich and famous. And I intend to live up to that deal.

To be honest I don’t know what I’m doing. I look in the mirror and mentally I am still who I was a few years ago. I’m learning to break out of my old mentality but it’s hard. It’s like when you’re body is doing one thing and you’re mind is completely somewhere else. Disconnection is the driver of default.

[alternateanonymous]

8:24

I saw my first butterfly of the year yesterday. I was sitting talking with Eamon as he helped me not be stressed out. It wasn’t even in my direct line of view and I wasn’t even looking for it, it flew by me. It was yellow and black and fluttered around the courtyard. It made me so happy.

[alternateanonymous]

What you’re describing—low motivation, spiraling thoughts, emotional swings, forgetfulness—is not laziness. It’s what happens when someone is over-capacitated, under-supported, and emotionally overwhelmed. You’re functioning under survival mode.

• Being put together: You don’t owe perfection. You owe honesty.

[alternateanonymous]

7:25 am

Hi hi, so I am stressed to absolute shit. I don’t think I have been this stressed in a really long time if ever this stressed. There are so many things going on and so many things happening that I am literally going to explode. Lots of these things are self inflicted and I know I am a piece of shit but also struggling with things but holy fuck. This is so stressful. I have the Murder mystery tomorrow which I haven’t done anything for. I am driving to get Freddy because I feel bad for being a bitch even though I don’t want to get him. Like I really don’t want to bring him. I have a loving boyfriend who is the only light in this mother fucking tunnel but it stresses me out because I don’t want him to see me loosing my mind because it stresses him out. I have finals which I don’t know what the fuck I am doing and lie coated them, like a really bad lie. Because of this idk what I am doing and even in group projects I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t have a credit or debit card because they both disappeared and I haven’t made the time to go get another one. I keep flaking on people and I am always late. I am not going to the gym as much as I want. I am skipping doing my 30 pushups everyday because I forget but also because I am lazy. I am almost broke. I need to sell the motorcycle because my dad wants me to and that’s a whole process but I have to because of money and because of safety and reason ability. I have a job over the summer that I wish I had a better one. I hate the discipline that I am in, like I feel like I am not doing this for anything. I feel like my sister doesn’t connect with me anymore like she used to. My mom always stresses me out. I figured it out, but graduation and commencement was a big head spinner. Also everything with the summer job was a huge head spinner. So many emails, so many dates, so much paper work. So much effort. I am in the midst of a deep self transformation but barely know who I am sometimes. Sometimes I wake up and wonder who the fuck I am or why I exist. I am suffering from crippling insecurity and I defiantly have undiagnosed ADHD potentially bipolar idfk. With my boyfriend I am finding these fucked up sides within myself and it’s scary and confusing and pressuring because now another person is accountable for the fuck of a person that I am. I wish I could just be. I don’t have any close friends and really wish I did. I woke up stressed today. I wish I had a consistent schedule, sleep schedule, work schedule, personal schedule. I wish I hung out with my roommate more but I also love hanging out with my boyfriend. I make a lot of sacrifices for my boyfriend that he doesn’t know about that I don’t hype up to him because he doesn’t need to know I just fucked myself over to be with him. I need to eat more healthy but haven’t gotten groceries in a long time because I am broke. I wish I could live independently and am really stressed about the future because I am broke and don’t have a vision and am lacking ambition and motivation because I am paralyzed about my current situation and all of it’s stresses. I have a stupid ego sometimes which makes me feel stupid. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. Yesterday I cried. Today I want to cry. My heart is literally tweaking because of how stressed I am. I don’t know how to deal with emotions. I have so much to do but can’t do any of it because I have to self regulate. I am stuck in a continuous cycle of self deprecation. Putting my life together is so messy, like I never remember how much shit I have to do then I look at my to do list and loose my mind. I feel like none of my issues are issues, I may be in a complete state of denial about how stressful my situation is or I am just hyping it up. I can’t wait to be rid of this body but I also can’t wait to live. I am so paradoxical it stresses me out. I wish I was like my boyfriend. I wish I had more friends that were right for me. I really don’t deserve to graduate. I realize my family kinda sucks in some ways and I am pressured by them in a lot of ways.

I am realizing Freddy is fucking horrible for me. I am stressed but then my boyfriend has so much more actual things to stress about and I hate myself for being stressed about these small things because I don’t know how to deal with it and feel like I am being overdramatic. I literally hate looking at myself. Like literally last night at club, I felt so stupid even though like 5 different people complimented my outfit. Men and women. Why do I disregard positive things. I don’t like asking my boyfriend about certain things because they are trivial intrusive thoughts I have about my own insecurities and asking or saying certain things I want to say will make him be concerned about me which I don’t want so I just remain quiet. I feel like the issue in the relationship. I feel like I am losing my path of self healing because I am focusing a lot on the relationship. Am I addicted to music? Stupid but sometimes it defnielty feels like it. Oh another thing. It has been a year since my life has blown the fuck up!!! Literally a year. This murder mystery, last murder mystery is when everything went to shit. Also I am coping with the fact I lost all those close ties I made literally a year ago and coping with the fact I am lonely again but am choosing to be lonely. I switched to wearing contacts because glasses distract my to much because they are either to smudged or the frames distract me, but also because I look a lot better in them honestly. I deeply feel like I don’t deserve my boyfriend and I think he gets a little confused and concerned when I am so happy that’s he does a really small insignificant thing for me like help me or just love me or just exist or actually want to talk to me.

Top 5 biggest stressors as of right now:

1. Murder Mystery

2. Finals

3. Freddy

4. Financials

5. Trying to be put together for my boyfriend

I woke up today just stressed. I was supposed to start working at 6 am but here it is 7:40 and I have still done nothing. I put so much pressure on myself and now I am kicking myself for falling through. This is a common occurrence, I always have expectations for myself that I think about it to much or I get too stressed and I loose my mind and don’t end up doing the thing I said.

I try really hard actually. Really hard.