amandakrystalpersonal-blog - Tumblr blog

[amandakrystalpersonal-blog]

God's kinda really amazing.

Yesterday morning, I had to be at church by 9:30am for band practice. I planned on taking the bus to campus and walking across UT (because that would only take 10 min) rather than my usual route of taking the bus downtown and then waiting for another bus to take me back north to my church, which would take longer and the buses aren't very predictable sometimes. So I slept in and left for the bus at 8:45. 

As I got closer to campus, I felt God tell me to go downtown instead. At first I was like, "Um, no thanks God, I'm going to be late." (Also, it was a really pretty day so I really wanted to walk). But still, He persisted so I made a deal with Him. I decided that if someone pulled the cord for the stop I needed, than I would get off and walk and if not, that God really did want me to go downtown.

So obviously my stop didn't get pulled and I had to take the bus downtown.

The whole time I was pretty upset with God and I told Him that if I was late, He was in so much trouble. haha But every time I would say this, He simply replied, "Don't you trust me?" 

He reminded me something that I've told a lot of people in the past: that I enjoy taking the bus because it requires me to be totally reliant on God. Ironic, yet true. 

So our conversation went on.

"Don't you have faith?"

"Apparently not. Help me with that?"

"What do you think I'm doing?"

Bus after bus came, none of them being mine. It was getting close (9:10) and finally my bus showed up. I was still holding out on God; "I better not be late God or else you haven't proved anything."

So I get to the doors of my church and check the time: exactly 9:30. And I just have to laugh at myself for doubting Him and honestly, I'm just completely in awe of how amazing He is to me, ESPECIALLY when I don't even deserve it. 

[amandakrystalpersonal-blog]

First the Ring now the Throne

[amandakrystalpersonal-blog]

We feel UNSEEN, even by those who are closest to us. We feel UNSOUGHT—that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel UNCERTAIN—uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.

“Captivating” by John and Stasi Eldredge (via amandakrystal)

[amandakrystalpersonal-blog]

all i want is to be special enough to someone that they’re willing to fight for me. not in a duel or anything like that, but when times are hard and tempers are high and things look black as night, i want someone who thinks i’m worth the trouble and will stay.

because i’m that important to him. 

[amandakrystalpersonal-blog]

this made me want to cry/:

[amandakrystalpersonal-blog]

No voice.

I feel like no one ever listens to anything I have to say. It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to say anything.

I noticed it today. A lady was talking to me and whenever I would try to say something, she would go on talking. And then I noticed that whenever I had something to contribute to the conversation, I would just say it in my head because I wouldn't have time to say it out loud.

And I do this all the time. The only time where I talk with people is to say short comments because I know if my contributions are short, they're not likely to be interrupted. Or I'll try to make some small funny comment because it's the only way to make a name for myself and get my thoughts out there.

"Why are you so quiet?"

Because no one cares what I have to say. Not my parents, not my friends, not adults, not kids.

I have no voice.

I feel like no one knows who I truly am because no one listens long enough.

[amandakrystalpersonal-blog]

12/12/12

There’s this book I’ve read once called “Invisible Monsters” by Chuck Palahniuk. (SPOILER ALERT!) It’s about this girl who was this absolutely gorgeous model who had the perfect life, the hot boyfriend, and the beautiful bestfriend. And then she gets her face shot off. So now she can’t talk, plus she loses her “perfect life”—that we find out wasn’t perfect after all, her “hot boyfriend”—who cheated on her with her best friend and who turns out to be gay, and her “beautiful bestfriend”—who ends up engaged to the main girl’s boyfriend and who turns out to be a cross-gendered boy. And at the very end, after discovering all of these things, the main character tells us readers that the person who shot her face off, was herself. MINDBLOWN. She said she did it because she could see her life and how unsatisfied she was with it and she didn’t know how to change it without falling back into the trap. She said she could get really fat, but she could lose the weight. She needed something she couldn’t come back from. Thus, the bullet to her face.

Last night, I shot my face off.

I’ve had this off and on thing with my exboyfriend who I’m still head-over-heels for, but he doesn’t feel the same. And I’ve been trying to be his friend and make it work, but I can’t stop my feelings for him and it hurts so much because he doesn’t feel the same. God has been dealing heavily with me about it as well. He’s been burdening my heart, telling me that I deserve more than what I’m getting, what I’m settling for. I deserve to be loved. So last night, I told him that we can’t be friends right now and I proceeded to completely cut off contact with him. So I cried myself to sleep and woke up and deleted him from everything—facebook, tumblr, instagram, everything. And then I turned to God and told Him, “Alright, it’s just You and me now. I’ve done what you’ve asked of me. I’ve left him in order to pursue a relationship with You so show me that You’re worth it. And please comfort my heart. I’m hurting.” So all day, whenever I had a thought about my ex, I turned to God and pleaded with Him to help me get through this and to give me peace. I was around some great friends today, which helped distract me, but I didn’t really get to talk to anyone about what had happened, which made me feel completely alone. By dinner, I had found an empty table in the Student Union on campus and just sat there feeling sorry for myself. As I was about to leave, these two girls came up to me and asked me if I could spare two minutes for a survey so I said sure and they sat down with me.

On the table in front of me, they spread out about 30 or so pictures of random scenes—trees, people walking, water, etc—and then they asked me some questions.

“Pick three images that describe your life right now.”

I sorted through the pictures and found three that were adequate. One was of a man with a bunch of post-its with reminders on them stuck to his head while he held his head in his hands. The second was of a kid walking to school with books in hand. The third I honestly can’t remember.

“Now why did you pick each of them?”

I looked at them and stated my reasons: “The man with post-its because he looks stressed out and filled with anxiety. The second because it’s final week and I’m so stressed out. The third….” (I seriously can’t even remember.)

They put the cards back together and asked me another question.

“Pick three images that describe how you wish your life was right now.”

I looked through the deck again and picked out three more cards. The first was of an old married couple holding hands. The second was of a bunch of paint cans and artistic things. And the last was of a young girl running through a field with balloons in her hand.

“Why did you pick these?”

“The couple because I would really like to have a significant other right now, even though I really shouldn’t have one. The paint cans because I wish I had free time to just create and be crafty. And the girl because I wish I was young and carefree again.”

They shuffled the deck again and asked one last question:

“Now pick one card that describes how you view God.”

I looked at the cards again and started separating them until I found the perfect picture. I put it on top.

“Explain why you chose this.”

It was a man standing still in a train station. Around him was a blur of motion, people rushing past trying to get to their destination.

“The people represent how busy my life is and how I’m always running around trying to do things and get things and how distracted I am all the time. And then there’s God, standing still, waiting for us to notice Him and come to Him. I’ve been learning that a lot recently.”

They looked at me and smiled, telling me that that was a great answer. I told them how I’ve been having such a hard time with everything right now and how I just need to stop and let God take control but how hard that is!

Then they asked me if they could pray for me and I started crying. I told them how much I needed that right now, so they stopped at that moment and took time to pray for me. And I couldn’t stop crying because THIS was God answering my prayers. I had asked Him over and over today to comfort me and here was God, showing me how faithful He is(: After hugging it out, one of the girls gave me her phone number so I could text her if I ever needed anything and then they went on their way.

I ended up calling my best friend and as I recalled the events of today, I started crying all over again and we both just reveled in how amazing our God truly is. She gave me the verses Isaiah 43:1-4 and we talked for some time.

After getting off the phone with her, I texted the girl and told her how much of a blessing she had been to me and how much God had used her to comfort my heart. She texted back, saying how they would keep praying for me and then she gave me a verse: Isaiah 41:10. I am still in complete awe of how God works. What are the odds of how close these verses are in the Bible??!! And both say nearly the same thing and I’m just amazed by God and His love for me(:

[amandakrystalpersonal-blog]

omg you are perfect girl :3 that post, just so many feels. it hurts me to know that everyone i want to get close to lives hundreds of miles away.

i am nowhere neaaaar perfect. hahah but thank you for thinking so(:

that only means that you need to get out there!!!(;

[amandakrystalpersonal-blog]

DONE

I am done, done, done, DONE pursing boys. I am tired of chasing after them long after they've stopped chasing me. And I'm so sick of it because all the guys I've ever wanted could never appreciate me--ALL of me. Every single blessing and curse and beauty and flaw and foolish and intelligent and joyful and depressed part of me. I am more than a body. I am more than a mind. I am more than my emotions. I am more. And even I cannot fathom my worth.

But God can(: And He created the person who can appreciate me the way He does. I just need to be patient and rely on Him and trust in His wisdom because I am quite lost without it.

[amandakrystalpersonal-blog]

You are beautiful and deserving of authentic romance. My love knows no bounds

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD(: THANK YOU SO MUCH(: (: (: BESTFRIENDSFOREVER(: (: (:

[amandakrystalpersonal-blog]

Going home.

It's strange how familiar and yet strange everything feels now. I know this place and it is the same, and yet I react differently to things, I expect different responses and things feel differently to me somehow. I think this is what they mean when they say you never notice how far you've come until you look back and see everything has changed. I feel like a different person even though I'm still so much the same. I hope the change is good(:

[amandakrystalpersonal-blog]

Random acts of kindness--receiving end(:

The other day, I was feeling pretty down and just utterly drowning in my low self-esteem. I was waiting outside my italian class with some of my classmates and one of the guys that never talks to me sees my shirt and makes a comment about the video it's from (Llamas with Hats). Another guy joins in the conversation and he abruptly says that he meant to tell me before, but that I always wear the coolest shirts(:

A minute later, we were walking into the classroom door and I bump into a really pretty girl and we both laugh and say sorry and she says that, she meant to tell me a long time ago, but that she really loves my hair.

And it all just really made my day a thousand times better(:

[amandakrystalpersonal-blog]

Can I just have a lasting-relationship?

I feel like I'm the odd one out these days. Everyone around me just talks about hooking up and having sex, and one of my close guy friends just wants to have a girl who doesn't want a relationship and just wants to fuck.

Am I the only one who wants a relationship that will last?

I just want someone who will be there for me at the end of the day with open arms, who will better me and comfort me. I want someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. I don't want to be his whole world, just his favourite part.

I want that friendship.

I want that love.

I want that feeling.

And I want it forever.

[amandakrystalpersonal-blog]

Curse of the web.

I feel like my life would be so much happier without the internet. I'll be having a great day and then I'll get on the computer and see something I don't want to see and just everything dies inside of me.

[amandakrystalpersonal-blog]

I wish I could take you shopping and out to dinner and watch Dr Who with you and cuddle under a big blanket so I could make you feel better. And it would make me feel better too.

you're wonderful(: (: (: thank you(:

[amandakrystalpersonal-blog]

Date Day

So I think I'm going to have a Date Day with myself today and just treat myself because I've had a really tough week and all the stress is just making me more and more sick. So far the plan is to get my hair done, maybe shop for supplies, and then cook/bake something because I have a potluck tonight at the Zone boys' house(:

I'm really happy about my plans(:

PS: then DOCTOR WHOOOOOOOOO.

[amandakrystalpersonal-blog]

Slowly, slowly, and then all at once.

That's how change happens. That's how letting go happens.

Little by little, you try to let the feelings go. And then one day you forget why you held on so long. You remember everything as it was--not how you thought it was or imagined it was. And you cherish the good memories but see the bad for what it was.

Off come the rose-tinted glasses.

And that's that.