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Here is a photo of an old man dramatically watching the trees and buildings passed by.

Words by Juan Miguel Severo

It’s been way too long since the last time I posted here. School made me do it as always. I am still trying to figure out what to do with my blog now that I am planning to become active again. 

Right now, I am currently reading All the Bright Places and Road Trip (a christian book) and just killing my time before my review starts next Tuesday. I am also currently watching Riverdale and makes me want to read Archie Comics. I am mostly busy whenever there is a church activity but other than that, my summer is just normal like the other summers I had growing up. 

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A sad excerpt from my random thoughts while making a design for a tarpaulin. 

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In search of your presence.

All I ever did was to wander inside this familiar room. 

to look for your memories in the corners, 

to feel your presence in this cold air,

to make myself believe that you’re here.

But still, nothing. 

Months have passed already but I think the years 

we shared together can never transcend the memories I, alone, am making now. 

My eyes can still see you, I must say Even if I close it, you are there. 

In the loud crowd, I hear your words. 

In their movements, your stillness blooms. 

Yet, you are still not here. 

A lot of people tried knocking at my door 

but looking through the hole, I keep praying that it was you. 

But I am never granted. 

They say moving on is the best way to collect and to fix your broken heart,

I say the otherwise. 

Because everytime I try to take a step away from the shades of all the memories we planted, 

I keep finding myself stopping in the middle and going back to those stories.   

The sun hurts my skin. 

The rain makes me gloomy but all of those didn’t matter when you were with me. 

You clothed me with words devoid of joy and sadness 

and now, I feel nothing but nakedness. 

It’s not your fault, my heart just longs for you 

and in case you come back, 

you’ll find me lying under the tree that bloomed in this room, 

still looking for you.   

For my beloved friends that went out of their comfort zone, Rizal 2015-2016 and Batch Brave. I have so much love for you!

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Don’t fall for his eyes.

The moment your eyes met his gaze was also a moment that you didn’t see coming; a moment you never thought of writing on a piece of paper. You know to yourself that your hands are getting weaker and weaker from grasping to the frightened feelings that made you so strong to stand alone, before. You are falling and you are aware of that, yet you didn’t hold back. You saw something in his eyes and it is not you getting hurt, it is not your eyes finally letting go of the tears you’ve been treasuring many years ago and you, not regretting that you let yourself be trapped inside of his gaze. But instead, you saw yourself changing words of love with him, you saw your hands intertwined with his while the angels are painting smiles on your faces. You saw yourself staring at him between the books you’ve never read before while being parted by a shelf alone. You saw yourself laughing, living like someone in a romantic movie and being in loved at the same time. You saw a love that can transcend all the hate you feel for yourself. His eyes reflect nothing but everything you’ve been looking for. But then he blinked and all of the images that were once in there vanished. And for that moment you realized that you are not falling into his arms, but you are falling for the love the you, alone made. You are falling from the universe that has no planets, has no earth, has no ground and has no him in it that is willing to catch you before you land and wreck your heart. You tried to look at his eyes once again, but you never saw yourself for another time even for a short span of time but instead you saw someone else. And that someone will never be you.

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Hellooo! Nice bloggg! :-) happy blogging

Hello to you too! Thank you so much! And I see you have Christian posts too, wow seriously. I can’t wait to spend time reading them. Happy Blogging to you also :D God bless!

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Dear person I like,

Dear person I like,

Leave me please especially my mind. You’ve had enough of wandering inside and I will not and never let you enter my heart before you wreck it. I hate you. I hate you for making me feel like this. Baffled and in loved. And it should not be like that. But I like you for giving me smiles and hopes, for staring at me while I was busy and making faces everytime I would catch you because I know, I like looking at you too. Leave me! I am serious! I have so much hatred for you actually but love always transcends it. Bye! Have a life and bring back MINE! 

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Dear future me,

Dear future me, 

Ready yourself for many questions, I must say. Hello, it’s me 2016 Angelee! How have you been? Good? Better? or just the same? Are you still doing what I have been doing today? Or have you changed a lot? But I pray that you are happy right now. How about the choices I made today? Did they make you a lot better? If yes, very much welcome but if no, I am sorry for being reckless today. Enjoy your life please, enjoy it. Don’t be ever like me again. Always grumpy and lackadaisical. Always look for me. I can remind of you things such, hey don’t do that! I have tried that and it is not good. or do it! it made me happy and I you want to also be. I can show you what we were once again. The sad ones, the happy ones and even the worst. I am always here at the back of your mind and inside of you heart. Don’t forget me please and don’t regret me. Accept me. But if you choose otherwise, I will still and always hunt you because I am a part of you. Future me, I hope you have a stronger faith and relationship with God than I have right now. I love you. Always. 

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I know your facing an issue and only jesus christ can rescue you. It’s time to stop being stubborn just look for Jesus and he will find you.

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I wrote something while I was on a road trip.

“REBORN”

It is now 5 AM and though my eyes are feeling heavy and begging me for a wink of sleep already, I cannot let it happen. Otherwise, make them suffer for me to feel this. The feeling of like being born once again or reborn perhaps.  The way the coolness of the breeze devoid of the gasoline from the cars rushing in front of us touch my brown pale skin, the smell of the newly bought bread that you can even sense how hot it is as of this time and the voices in the radio preaching about the goodness of the Lord in our lives, they all make me feel like I have been reborn in this world.  The clouds. The clouds are  painted stunningly and beautifully  on the sky. Just like one of the paintings you can see in the art museums I have never been to.  I am reborn, surely I am.  My mind has peace, a kind of peace you cannot just find and feel anywhere in this world. A peace that despite of all the rushing sound of the engines of the cars with their horns signalling the others that they are coming through, my mind is quite and cannot be disturbed; like the other I is still sleeping deeply on the inside.

There is this feeling in my heart that all of my worries are being cast out slowly by God, letting it all swim with the fresh wind and be clouded with the smoke. I am not even bothering if they will come back, I just want to seize this peace that has been staying inside of me. The Inner Peace that makes me be reborn. 

No questioning. Like a baby that has been out of his mother’s womb, no questioning just letting all happen. Not questioning about his life or why is he crying and or who is carrying him right now, just letting it all happen. Me? I am a reborn who is not even questioning if the world is moving the way it must or they way it must not. Just watching it all happen.  

This is it. I am reborn I surely know because I have, once again, feel the real peace inside of me.

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sketching pad, pinboard. :)

Sketching pad: describe yourself from a stranger’s point of viewI think I would be a peevish 13-year-old teenager who has health problems because of the color of her lips. 

pinboard: what are you focusing on in your life right now?

I am focusing on being really active on our church’s activities and also active in reading the Bible. Maybe, not just right now but for my whole life. I am also focusing on blogging.

Hello thank you for asking. God bless.

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hello, I can't seem to reply to your post so I'm sending you this. Just breathe. On situations like what you posted, just breathe. I know you might feel weird talking to me but I'd like to congratulate you on that big leap of saying hi to your teacher. If you look back, maybe you never thought you could handle a situation like that but you did! :) good job!

You touched my heart ate! I feel blessed receiving this and thank you so much for making my night even better. <3 <3 

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Story time: Of being socially awkward.

Yesterday, I went to a mall together with my mother and sister for no particular reason, not even buying school supplies for the upcoming school year. I had fun definitely, roaming around stores and having a great time with them but there is just something that always stands in the middle everytime I go out of my little box there is something that steps in the middle, and that is being socially awkward.

Story Time.

   My sister decided to treat me and buy me a tea for doing great that day, I decided to buy Jasmine Green Tea to taste something new and then I thought she would be the one who would buy it for me but then, she gave me her money instead and obliged me to buy it. I insisted of course because I was feeling anxious on the inside and clearly had no idea what to say. And then she whispered to me, “Ikaw na bumili, matanda ka na” *You are old enough to do it* but I still insisted anyway. So she just laughed and did what I must do. 

   I have always been like that in any restaurant I go; except if I have been familiar with all of the foods in their menu for a long time already. Everytime I have someone with me, I literally always grab the chance for them to do the talking and I’ll do the supporting part. I never like starting conversation with someone whether I am close to them or not because I just can’t simply process it on my mind and I don’t know how to start it.

  Another scenario that made me regret leaving the house: Before heading home, my mother and my sister went to the grocery store inside the mall and I just decided to go to the Booksale Store and buy the book I have found hours ago. After buying the book which is “The sweet smell of Psychosis” by Will Self and reading other books, I went back to the grocery store and I decided to wait for them outside the cashier and beside the baggage counter, when I felt like they might be on the other line, I tried to peek through and no any signs. But instead of seeing them waiting in the line, I saw the son of my Grade 7 Math teacher slash Senior Scout Master also waiting in the line and he saw and also noticed me. I could literally notice him because he looks like Paulo Avelino. I glanced on the other directions and saw him in my periphery talking to my teacher so I just decided to not look back and walk straightly and get out of the store. 

I THOUGHT IT WAS ALL DONE BUT NO NOT YET.

After countless times of searching for them, we headed home through a public vehicle, FX. And by the time we got inside and sat comfortably, I heard a familiar voice which is the voice of my teacher slash scout master at the back of the vehicle. I looked back slightly and noticed his wife, whom I also know because she goes in every camping we held in school. I whispered to my mother, “Ma si Sir. ****** andito” and so she told me to say hi but I insisted because I was getting shy but also getting nervous which I didn’t say to her. Then, my sister said, “Say hi, Boy Scout ka ih” but still I had no guts to do so. I looked back and his wife saw and noticed me and smiled at me, I smiled back and laughed nervously. Then, my mother said loudly “Sir. Ave happy ba?” *She was talking about school stuff because she is also a teacher in our school, only in Elementary Department.* and then hey, I did it. I said, “Sir. Ave hello po.” I waved and smiled at him.  It didn’t feel great knowing someone you know was at the back of the same vehicle you were in. 

I am not really close to my grade 7 math teacher slash Senior Scout Master because I prefer having distance and it is hard to be that close to him though he is not a terror one, I just I don’t feel it. 

By the time we got home, I accidentally opened up the topic again and my mother scolded me for acting like that, she kept saying to me since I was a kid not to be shy of doing the right thing instead be shy of doing the wrong one. But I defended myself so I said to her, “You don’t know what I really am feeling on the inside, you don’t know what I am going through in those kind of scenarios” Well, I am not blaming my mother, I just wanted her to know. And now, I regret saying to my mother that my teacher was there.

I hated how everything appeared to be rude, when I was just clearly afraid of doing it because I was and still am afraid I might say the wrong thing, afraid of rejection, not knowing what words should I spit out and also, afraid of being judged by the other people. I am so getting tired of myself. 

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When you can’t art in real life but you can Photoshop.

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“How do you like to go up in a swing, Up in the air so blue? Oh, I do think it the pleasantest thing Ever a child can do!”

-Robert Louis Stevenson

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What an awesome collage (that Marilyn Monroe one)! I love how retro and vintage-y and artsy it is 🌸

Oh wow thank you so much. This means a lot to me!! Have a great day!

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    Hello, I am here peeking at the window. I can see you vividly standing outside of my house. You see, maybe you are thinking how fragile it is right? that when step on it, it might just collapse; but don’t worry it is firm. It’s my heart. I can sense the urge of you wanting to knock at my door, but don’t let your hesitation overcome you. Please knock at my door. After all, I won’t hesitate to open it for you.You can also ring the bell, but please do not run if you did. It has been locked for so many months now, a sign that I have let others left me inside and they never came back. Or on the other way round, I didn’t let them anymore.   Hello, welcome at my house, you will know me more in here. Rooms full of myself, pictures that will never fade and memories that will swing by the air. Please be careful of everything on the inside, they have felt little ups and downs in life and one wrong touch it can be broken once again; but don’t worry, it seems like my hands are made solely for fixing them. I am just tired of perpetually doing it. Make yourself feel comfortable, sit the way you want or maybe even get a water by yourself. We can watch movies together, read poems out loud or just lay on the bed and read romantic books silently. But if you are not interested in such, tell me right now so it will not be hard for you to adjust anymore. Well maybe, it is a bit early for that kind of bond. Know me more.

I am stiff with a fragile heart. I bathe with my own tears and fight myself with my own fears. Please know me more. Here are the keys to some of my rooms, sometimes you will open a door with me speaking so much, eager to let you hear about my story. Sometimes, you will open a door with me having nothing in my mouth but breath. Bear with me and know me more. I’ll be honest with you, there will be days that I will face you with my animosity for the unkind acts of people and I will rant and rant all over again and there is this room where you will see my portrait pictures, you will be able to face those everyday. You will just see me running up to you with my jubilant spirit but sometimes, with my lackadaisical aura. Don’t stop at here and open more. No, there will be doors that cannot be opened by now, I still have the sense of fear in myself. Know that I am very limited when it comes to revealing who I really am, but that does not mean I am facing you with my fake identity. It is all true, I am not just revealing ALL. Try the other doors and seek more. Open this room, it is full of first-aid kit, telling you that I am here to stop the bleeding of your heart and even nurse you when you are hurting. I also have this jar where you can fill with your tears and I will cherish them for it might be the most beautiful part of who you really are. Go to me when you are in pain, and I will send your pain to my God and I know for sure that He will heal it right away. Please come, and I will reveal something to you. And this door? I am frightened to open it for you. This room holds the main reason why people have left me and made them think that I have left them. I love playing as a ghost, drifting away from this world full of talks. You won’t really feel me for I will not do anything, I will just roam around and pass you by. Please, when I play it, do not leave. Seek for me instead and maybe I will hear your voice and it will lead me back to my body and I’ll be the same again. I have been like that for so many years, nobody sought for me. They thought I had left them and just did the same to me anyway. All I want is to feel that I am important, that when I become silent, that silent will break them. I want to know if someone is feeling the way I always feel towards others. I am sorry for being like this, that’s all you need to know.

And now that you have opened some of my doors, please decide right now if you ever want to stay in here and have a friend like me so we won’t be hurting each other at the end of the day. Just knock whenever you want, maybe, someday, you will have your own key to my heart and the doors that haven’t been unlocked will be unlocked just for you.

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//SHE WAS CLOTHED WITH THE THINGS SHE WISHED TO BE.//

Hello! I did a collage art today, I also did one last night but it was too big and cool for tumblr to handle, Joke! I used Marilyn Monroe’s picture